April 2017 – Bulldoggy

Fussbudget – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Phhuubbbb!

Me: What?

Stella: Pooh!

Me: Say again.

Stella: Blubb, phubb, blaagghh! Hmmmpphh! Don’t talk to me!

Me: What a fussbudget!

Stella: Fussy budgie?

Me: Fussbudget. Whiner. Complainer. Grumbler.

Stella: Budget? Like when you cut back on our treats. Pooh! Don’t try to budget my fuss!

Me: Why are you in a bad mood?

Stella: How much time do you have? Because I have a long list.

Me: No, please. No lists today. Maybe tomorrow.

Stella: I will hold you to that promise.

Me: I’m just not in the mood for a list of complaints. I have some of my own and I am trying to stay positive.

Stella: Well, I am positive. I have a long list. And I am adding your name to it.

Me: Why? What did I do?

Stella: You called me a fussy budget. How is calling someone a name supposed to put them in a better mood.

Me: I believe that sometimes when your friend is acting badly, you do them a favor by calling them out on it. Otherwise, they may just keep on acting ugly and never realize it.

Stella: Well, still. Calling me…did you say ‘friend’? Me?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I am your friend?

Me: Yes.

Stella: But you have a bunch of friends.

Me: No.

Stella: That makes me special.

Me: Yes.

Stella: Your friend. And a fussy budget. That’s me.

Bulldog Freight – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and Lady Human is having a bulldog problem, as usual. What is it this time, Lady Human?

Me: Do you see what Doodlebug is doing?

Stella: Yes. And?

Me: Do you see him at the end of the leash?

Stella: Yes. Where else would he be? The middle of the leash?

Me: Do you see my feet sliding across the floor as he pulls me along?

Stella: Yes. You are going to have to run along with him if you are going to get anywhere fast. Right now, he is dragging you at about an inch a minute, which isn’t bad if you are only going an inch or so. Boy howdy, you must not weigh as much as you think you do. He’s in control of that leash.

Me: Well, he weighs about 80 pounds and I weigh…considerably more than that.

Stella: And he has 4 feet to work with and you only have two. And his shoulders are muscular and yours are not.

Me: I’m still on my feet.

Stella: Is that doing you much good?

Me: I haven’t given up.

Stella: You might as well. Bulldog, Lady Human. Bulldog. We are the dog version of a big rig truck.

Me: How do you know about trucks?

Stella: I keep my eyes open when we are in your rolling box. I see those big rigs. Sometimes, if everything is just right, I look up and see a driver look down at me and smile. I try to smile back, but to be honest, I probably just end up looking bulldoggy.

Bulldogs are like those trucks. We were built to haul big loads like you.

(Lady Human, is that the best picture you have of Doodlebug?

Yes, it is the only time I’ve caught him standing still.)

Wait on Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: If you say so.

Stella: I do. And I am thirsty. Give me a drink.

Me: That is a rude way to ask for something, Stella. And your water bowl is full. Drink your water.

Stella: I want what you are having.

Me: I am taking a swig of coffee before I have to go.

Stella: What is a swig? I want a swig.

Me: A swig is just a quick sip. And you can’t have coffee. Do you want me to leave the television on? I’ll only be out for about an hour. Everybody else is napping.

Stella: Will there be zombies?

Me: No. I can leave it on this station. They will just be showing old westerns.

Stella: That man on the Picture Box. What is he drinking?

Me: Since that is a saloon, I’m guessing it’s whiskey.

Stella: I want a swig of whiskey.

Me: Nope. No way. Not now. Not ever.

Stella: You are a terrible waitress.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Stella: You have it, but I will not be leaving a tip.

Me: Okay, too many movies. Honey, this is not a restaurant. I am not your waitress.

Stella: Of course, you are. We call. You come. You bring us food. You bring us water. You clean out our water bowls. You wipe our faces. You clean our ears…

Me: Hold on a minute. I have never heard of a waitress who cleaned customers’ ears or wiped their faces.

Stella: You haven’t been to very good restaurants then. All bulldog restaurants offer that service. Like this one.

Bulldog News Network – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and this is BNN – Bulldog News Network, blah, blah, blah, all talk all the time, just like the boring humans…

Me: Stella, what brought this on?

Stella: Today there was a sale on cheese at the human food place and Lady Human bought it all and brought it home just for herself. She owns all the cheese in the world.

Me: How would that even be possible?

Stella: Snoopey is here with us now for an interview to tell what she witnessed.

Snoopey: What is an interview?

Stella: What did you see when Lady Human opened the door to the Big Cold Box?

Snoopey: Lots and lots of wonderful food.

Stella: That proves it.

Me: It doesn’t prove that I own all the cheese in the world or even all the cheese from a store.

Stella: Now we welcome Tiger who has more to add to this story.

Me: What story? I bought a little bit of cheese.

Stella: Tiger, what do you have to say to Lady Human’s denial of cheese hoarding?

Tiger: Hello.

Stella: Can you be more specific?

Tiger: Hello, people.

Stella: Wiggles, Doodlebug, Sweetie, what can you add?

(background snoring and odd snorting noises)

Me: Are they your audience because…

Stella: Am I the only one concerned about the level of cheese hoarding here?

Me: Apparently.

Snoopey: I guess so.

Tiger: Yes.

Stella: Well, I can’t keep commenting on nothing.

Me: Nope.

Snoopey: That’s right.

Tiger: So shut up.

Stella: Tomorrow on BNN – Bulldog News Network, I will interview Lady Human about how she has slowly but drastically reduced the size of treats during the past month.

Me: Uh, I may arrange to be unavailable for that.

Snoopey: Smaller treats? What? Really?

Tiger: As long as I get mine and Snoopey’s, too, I don’t care.

Where Are The Stars? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 21, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but that makes no difference to the sky. One minute it’s dark. The next minute it lights up with a blue flash. Then it goes dark again.

Me: Do you feel that?

Stella: The wind is rising. It feels good. Where are the stars?

Me: Hidden by clouds. It’ll be almost 20 degrees cooler by morning.

Stella: Does the blue flashing light make the air colder?

Me: No.

Stella: What is the light?

Me: We call it ‘lightning’. It is electricity.

Stella: Did the Great Creator make it?

Me: Yes, I believe so. When I see it, it makes me think of Him.

Stella: It scares me a little.

Me: Me, too. God is great. He can be scary, too. But He is love.

Stella: Is electricity dangerous?

Me: Sure.

Stella: Then why are we standing out here in it?

Me: It’s not here quite yet. Look at the chickens. They know. They’re getting their last feed in before the storm hits.

Stella: They aren’t usually out this far after dark.

Me: They sense that they may have to stay in their chicken house for a while. This storm is supposed to pass by in a few hours.

Stella: Will we be all right?

Me: By God’s good grace and mercy, yes.

Stella: How can you be sure?

Me: Well, He and I have had a few adventures together. I’ve never found Him to be absent or lacking. I’ll have to tell you sometime about the Supercell storm my daughter and I outran 2 years ago. He was with us that day.

Stella: What if He has gone on vacation, the way the humans do?

Me: He never slumbers or sleeps. And He doesn’t go on vacation. He is always God.

Stella: Even now, with the sky all lit up like blue fire?

Me: Especially now. But He does expect us to use the sense He gave us, so let’s go on inside. Do you feel that? The rain is starting.

Stella: It feels like a shower except colder.

Me: Yes. Except colder.

Stella: Let’s go in now! Nobody likes cold showers!

Odd Dog Out – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are different. Each one has its own little quirks. Among the members of our pack, some of us are more different than others. I have to say that Miss Sweetie is the Odd Dog. I love her, but her behavior is out there in weird land.

Me: Well, she is incredibly smart.

Stella: I know. The self-built toilet event. The twisted water pipe caper. But I am thinking of other behaviors that qualify as strange even in the bulldog world. Did you see what she did when you cleaned and refilled her water bowl yesterday?

Me: How could I miss it? She soaked her back feet in it. And the weather wasn’t even hot.

Stella: She was washing them off after soaking them in mud. Sweetie never met a mud puddle that she didn’t like.

Me: Yeah, it’s hard to remember what the natural color of her feet are. It’s hard to figure out what is hanging out of her mouth on a long strand of drool. Of course, you are a very clean dog. I never see you seeking out dirt, dust, mud, or slime.

Stella: Dirt and slime are yucky. Sweetie is a loner. And she is not. She sits out in the yard by herself. She uses your chairs as though they are thrones. She makes the scariest, long, drawn-out, bulldog-type drones. She plays hard. She sleeps hard. Well, maybe she is not so different from the rest of us after all.

Me: Did you see what happened when I brought out my chime balls to do my hand exercises?

Stella: She was full asleep and she jumped up and started barking and those chime balls were not even making the least little noise. But then the rest of us started barking at them and that made a lot of noise. Lady Human, I would not bring those out again in our presence. You might want to keep them to yourself from now on.

Me: I never know what is going to set the pack off.

Stella: Me, either.

Me: If not you, who would know?

Stella: Nobody. It is a deep mystery, the sort that only the Great Creator understands. We’d best leave it that way.

Me: What should we do about Miss Sweetie?

Stella: Enjoy her and appreciate the fact that we are all different.

The Horrifying Inventions of Humans – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am Illustrious and Noble. They are not.

Snoopey: I heard that!

Tiger: So did I!

Me: If I were you, Stella, I’d go light on the comparisons.

Stella: I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth.

Me: Well, truth and opinion can get twisted up and truth can sting so…

Stella: AAAAGGHHH! Don’t look! It’s back!

Me: What? Where?

Stella: The Picture Box! Look! No, don’t look!

Me: It’s just in menu mode for recordings. A bunch of lines – blue, black, and white. Some words. No zombies.

Stella: It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Take it away!

Me: Okay, click and click. There! It’s gone. But why does it scare you? It is literally only lines and words.

Stella: Lines like bars. And words! I can’t read, Lady Human! Are the words evil? What do the words say?

Me: You don’t have to be afraid. The words aren’t evil. They are listings for shows. They won’t hurt you and the lines are not real bars. They are images on a screen.

Stella: Horrible. Horrible. Why do humans make horrible things?

Me: I would have thought that zombies would be scarier.

Stella: At least zombies look like ugly, hideous humans. Humans I am used to, even ugly ones.

Me: I still don’t understand why lines and words on a screen cause you to cringe.

Stella: Can you explain your fears? Why do some things frighten you but are of no matter to others?

Me: What can I do to help?

Stella: Simple. Turn the frickin’ Picture Box off.

Open Your Ears – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now hear this!

Me: Okay…I am listening…Now hear what?

Stella: I don’t know. Do you hear anything?

Me: I hear you. I hear Tiger snoring. I hear the air conditioner running – I wish I didn’t. It is only early spring. I hear Moon the Cat purring. I hear Snoopey whining because Moon is talking to her. Don’t you hear all of that?

Stella: Yes. But…

Me: Do you need your ears cleaned out again?

Stella: NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! I am fine. I can hear everything. Lalalalala! You see. I heard that!

Me: Oh, come on, Stella. It’s not that big a deal. I have to clean my ears. Everybody has to every once in a while.

Stella: My ears are fine. See how cute they are, all wrinkled and tucked in. No ear issues here.

Me: Look, I only have to wipe them out with this soft cloth and…

Stella: Aaaachhh! Aaaaggghh! Aaaaahhhh. Awwwww. Okay. Well, that’s better. Mmmmm.

Me: See, you make a big deal out of nothing.

Stella: My ears are a big deal.

Me: You should take care of them then.

Stella: No, YOU should take care of them then.

Me: Hey, I am trying to, but I am getting serious resistance.

Stella: Resistance from whom?

Me: Stella! From you!

Stella: What? That was not resistance. That was me being bulldoggy. When are you going to accept that I am a bulldog and I will act like a bulldog all the time? Let me be me.

Me: Okay. And let me be me.

Stella: What?

Me: Let me clean your ears without a fight.

Stella: Nope. Not possible. That would be wrong, plain wrong.

Me: even if I talk like this

Stella: What? What are you saying? I can’t hear…oh, clever. Whispering. Trying to make me think my ears are clogged.

Me: Keep your ears open, Stella. We all need to hear what is going on.

Stella: Are you going to clean my nose out next?

Me: If you need me to…

Stella: NOOOO! Nose is fine!

Bulldog Mediation – Snoopey & Tiger – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on April 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious and Noble, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and therefore, IN CHARGE!

Snoopey: As pack leader, I beg to differ.

Me: As the only human present, so do I.

Stella: Fine! Be that way! I’m still queen. So there!

Me: Is this about the spat this morning?

Stella: If by “spat” you mean the barking, growling, snapping conversation between Snoopey and Tiger, yes.

Me: That started when they started eyeballing each other from across the room.

Tiger: It started the day Snoopey was born.

Snoopey: It started the day Tiger came to live with us.

Me: It started when you two disobeyed my instructions. No eyeballing each other. Keep your eyes to yourselves.

Snoopey: You have been putting drops in Tiger’s eye.

Me: Yes.

Snoopey: I want you to put drops in my eye.

Me: No.

Snoopey: Not fair. I am the pack leader. I should get to have drops in my eye.

Me: The vet gave those drops to us for Tiger’s scratched eye. You do not have a scratched eye, therefore, no drops for you. It is not a gift or a privilege. Tiger doesn’t even like it.

Tiger: No, except that I get them and she doesn’t.

Miss Sweetie: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Me: Hold it! Quiet down!

Miss Sweetie: fight, fight, fight

Stella: That’s not what she meant, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: But I like a good fight.

Stella: UHHHH, children these days!

Tiger: Believe me, Sweetie, no fight is good and you would not like to see a real one.

Miss Sweetie: But what were you and Aunt Snoopey doing then?

Tiger: We were…disagreeing…loudly…while showing each other how white our teeth are.

Snoopey: Yes, Sweetie, that was it. And always remember that it’s IMPOLITE TO STARE.

Stella: And ONLY the humans have control over what the vets give us and that includes eye drops! Agreed?

Snoopey: I concede the point…

Stella: Good.

Snoopey: …this time.

Stella: Oh, of course, because next time you think that you will have control over the vets and the humans. Wrong. Mediation closed. Ruling: Keep your eyeballs out of other people’s business.

Me: A fair ruling, Your Majesty. One we should all observe. God save Queen Stella! Wait. Where’s Wiggles?

Wiggles: Here. AHHHH! What a wonderful nap! Hasn’t this been a great day?

Miss Sweetie: So, there’s not going to be a fight?

Stella: Go to bed, Sweetie. Good night.

Miss Sweetie: Okay, Aunt Stella. Good night. It’s not a very exciting night though.

Stop Clucking in Our Ears! You Sound Like a Chicken! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 13, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, guard my ears from nonsense noises and that is hard living with a pack of bulldogs. But today it was not a bulldog assaulting my ears. It was far worse than that.

It was a cat. Moon the Cat, to be precise. She was making clucking noises in Lady Human’s ear and I heard it. Clucking noises! Who does that? She is a cat! Where was the meowing that we are so often subjected to? A cat should act like a cat. Clucking is for chickens and I know that the cat has not been hanging around with them.

Me: It was really no big deal.

Stella: How do you define “big deal”? Since when is a cat clucking like a chicken not a big deal? Is this yet another cat/chicken conspiracy? Are cats and chickens uniting against bulldogs? Are they now speaking a common language? Is this a prelude to war? NOOOOO!!

Me: Wait. A war between bulldogs on one side and cats and chickens on the other?

Stella: What else can it be? A cat was clucking, Lady Human! A cat! Clucking!

Me: I don’t think it is a real problem. I did tell Moon to stop doing it in my ear.

Stella: There is a plot afoot. Ignore it if you will, but one day, all of us may be clucking in cat-ese like a bunch of chickens.

Me: Flock.

Stella: I beg your pardon?

Me: Granted.

Stella: Hmmmph! Cats!

Me: Hmmmph! Bulldogs!

Stella: What?

Me: Nothing.

Doggy Toilet Building – Scary Smart Part 2 – Sweetie the Wonder Dog – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now I have seen everything. Humans, bulldogs are smart. Stubborn but smart. Some people think that our stubbornness means that we do not understand what we are being asked to do. Not so. We may obey, but we do not comply.

Today I have seen something that rivals…well, you tell the story, Lady Human.

Me: You saw it, too.

Stella: Yes, but I was still in extended bulldog wake up mode, so I missed the first part.

Me: Okay. This morning, everyone had been fed and I normally take Miss Sweetie outside first by herself after breakfast because she gets to playing and forgets to do…you know, her business.

Stella: Let’s be clear. Her “business” is pooping and peeing. Why don’t humans just say what they mean?

Me: When I was growing up, bathroom matters were called “business” and everyone knew what that meant.

Stella: Pooping and peeing. See, I said it. Please go on.

Me: I always try to get Miss Sweetie out within a minute or two of her finishing breakfast because she is not good at waiting to do her business.

Stella: Who is? Please continue.

Me: I was washing some dishes at the sink and I heard her start to move her metal food dish around, indicating that she had finished her food. She steps in it and sometimes sits in it, even though she doesn’t fit and, anyway, I told her I would be with her in a minute. A minute! And to please wait just a minute! And then, there was this sound of water hitting metal and I knew it wasn’t from the sink because I had turned the faucet off and I’m like, “Is there a weird leak somewhere?”

Stella: And there was! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Me: I looked over at Miss Sweetie and there she was, sitting beside her food and water bowls, only the empty food bowl was sitting at a 45 degree angle on top of her water bowl and…I can hardly say it…

Stella: Go ahead! This is the best part.

Me: And pee was pooled in the bottom of it. She had set up her food bowl as a toilet and she had peed in it because she did not want to wait another minute to go out. Yuck!

Stella: And?

Me: And she had perfect aim and she did not spill a drop.

Stella: I feel like cheering. Let’s hear it for Miss Sweetie, Bulldog Bathroom Champion! How do the humans say it? Oh, yes, hip-hip-hoo…

Me: Yuck!

Stella: No, I don’t think that is how it goes. No human cheer ends with the word, “Yuck”.

Me: Do you know how much hot water and soap I had to use on those bowls before I could even think of using them for her food and water again?

Stella: No, but I am sure that Miss Sweetie did not give it a second thought. And I am sure that you won’t be asking her to wait just one more minute before her morning bathroom run again.

Me: Not even half a minute.

Stella: You realize that Miss Sweetie can’t tell time. A minute to her could be an hour, a week, a month, a year for all she knows. Miss Sweetie believes in basics. If you need to go the bathroom, go to the bathroom. That’s all. She was doing you a favor by setting up her bowl to catch it. She knew how busy you were.

I hope you got a picture of it. You can put it on that little box that you and all the other humans are always staring at.

Me: I don’t post pictures of pee. For any reason. I did show Tall Man just so I had a witness and he wouldn’t think that I was making it up.

Stella: I think Miss Sweetie should consider a change in career from bulldog to whoever those humans are who take care of putting together human toilets.

Me: Plumbers?

Stella: No, that’s not it.

What’s Cooking? More Importantly, Is It for Me? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and food is cooking in the kitchen. It has been flavoring the air for hours and hours. I can see steam coming out of the red pot. I know it holds something wonderful.

So, Lady Human, where is mine?

Me: Oh, that’s Tall Man’s special stew. He makes it up so that he always has something ready to eat when he gets home from work. He is trying to eat healthier.

Stella: I am trying to eat healthier so…

Me: No, that is for Tall Man. You have your healthy food already.

Stella: It smells so good. What is it?

Me: Well, he puts some water in the crock pot and then adds about 1 pound of beef, some small sweet potatoes cut up, spinach, a small onion cut up, and two handfuls of kale, and he lets it cook on a low setting, then it’s ready when he gets home.

Stella: Beef – check. I’ve had that. Sweet potatoes cook into a tasty treat. I’ve had that. Spinach? I don’t know. Onions?

Me: No. No. No. Not good for dogs.

Stella: Kale? What is that?

Me: It’s a green leafy vegetable like spinach is.

Stella: You mean like a bush in the front yard.

Me: Sort of, but not quite.

Stella: Not interested. Okay, I will take the beef and the sweet potatoes. You can keep the rest.

Me: No deal. Tall Man would be very disappointed to come home and find his dinner half eaten.

Stella: He can make more.

Me: Nope. Not today. He used up his ingredients in this batch.

Stella: That was poor planning on his part.

Me: It’s his food, Stella, not yours, not even mine.

Stella: How dare he make something smell so good that is healthy! Has he no respect? Doesn’t he know we are bulldogs?

Bulldog Dining in Style – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yay me!

Me: Yay you! I have a question.

Stella: We bulldogs are fascinating creatures. There is always a question to ask about us.

Me: Snoopey and Tiger would rather eat food off the floor than food out of their bowls. Why?

Stella: Why not?

Me: Why not? Because food on the floor can have dirt or dog hair in it. Food on the floor can be stale, something dropped and missed a day or two ago. Food on the floor can have been stepped on by humans or dogs or, worse, by a cat.

Stella: Ewww! I hadn’t thought of that! Cat feet!

Me: Is that all? Cat feet? What about dirt and hair and staleness and…

Stella: I think you have forgotten the main point, Lady Human.

Me: Eating off the floor is the main point.

Stella: Nope. Being a dog, and more specifically, being a bulldog is the main point.

Me: But even a bulldog should prefer fresh food in a bowl to old nasty food on the floor. AND if they can’t find food on the floor, they deliberately spill their food out of their bowls and proceed to eat the floor food. Why? I just want to understand.

Stella: I don’t understand the question.

Me: You never see humans spill their food on purpose and eat it off the floor.

Stella: So, what’s the problem?

Me: You don’t do it.

Stella: No, I don’t, but I am the Queen. It wouldn’t do to have the bulldogs see me eating off the floor.

Me: So why do Tiger and Snoopey do it?

Stella: Personal preference. Don’t you humans believe in freedom?

Me: But why just those two?

Stella: Maybe eating off the floor feels more like the hunt to them. They don’t really have to find food, but it is more of a challenge than kibble in a bowl, more like the old, old game of survival.

Me: And you don’t like that game.

Stella: Lady Human, I am far too civilized to go back to the old ways. Just keep putting my food in a shiny silver bowl, thank you. The only time I hunt is when I don’t have to.

Beware the Cat’s Paws! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

To all puppies in the world: I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

Today I am here to warn you in case your mothers and your negligent humans have failed to do so.

Me: Negligent humans?

Stella: You know what I am talking about. Humans and their little secrets. Secrets like cat’s paws!

Me: What? What secret? Cats have paws. Surprise! Surprise!

Stella: And what do those paws have, Lady Human? Tell the puppies of the world what those paws hide! CLAWS! Real, live CLAWS!

Me: Well, yeah. I guess that’s true, but…

Stella: But nothing! Understand this, puppies! That soft padded little paw that is quietly walking your way looks like a furry cotton ball, all sweetness, but BOING! Out pop the claws. You never see them until it is too late.

Me: Now, Stella, when has it ever been too late for you…oh, I forgot.

Stella: You forgot, but I? Never!

Me: You met those exposed claws because you were chasing Moon the Cat. You could have left well enough alone.

Stella: NEVER FORGET!

Me: The Bible tells us that there are things to remember and things to forget. I think it is time that you forget when Moon defended herself with her nails. And she could have done a whole lot worse to you than a few pinpricks on the muzzle. She showed you mercy.

Stella: Still my warning goes out to the world of puppies! Beware the paws with hidden claws!

Me: What about your paws – your big, heavy, slapping paws?

Stella: My nails aren’t hidden. They are out in the open for all to see. Besides, my paw taps are love pats. You love me, don’t you?

Me: Yes.

Stella: Love me, love my paws.

Me: And the cat?

Stella: NEVER FORGET!

Scent-seeing: Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges…no, that didn’t come out right. I am Illustrious. The bulldogs are…well, bulldogs which is pretty special but not necessarily Illustrious. Anyway, I am back to answer Lady Human’s latest silly question.

Me: Silly? I beg your pardon!

Stella: Oh, Lady Human, you don’t have to beg me. I pardon you anyway. What is your silly question?

Me: Without agreeing that it is silly, I was wondering why Tiger spent so much time walking around the yard today. She’s been out there thousands of times. She surely knows every square inch of it by now. What else is there to see?

Stella: There you go again, showing your human ignorance and prejudices. It’s not what there is to see; it’s what there is to smell. We read the world by scent the way you read the annoying little boxes you carry around in your hands. The smells change every moment. All it takes is a fresh breeze to blow a new odor across our path. Then our brains kick into motion and we become bulldog detectives like that Sherlock Bones.

Me: Holmes.

Stella: Isn’t that what I said?

Me: Never mind.

Stella: Humans don’t appreciate how much time it takes to sort out all the scents that penetrate our intelligent noses. Other dogs, for example, and the things they leave behind. It’s like reading what you humans call ‘the news’.

Squirrels and their nut collections. Selfish little pecan thieves! They make me so mad! Leave some for the rest of us!

Raccoons which, by the way, smell a lot like a human garbage can to me – interesting and appetizing. I sometimes understand why Wiggles is a trash diver. And then there are other times that I think, naw, yuck!

And, of course, there are the rats and mice and slugs and insects. Oh, those roaches you hate so much, guess what? They stink like garbage, too. I suppose you end up smelling like what you hang around with.

Me: Thanks for letting me know. I do not engage in cockroach sniffing.

Stella: I know, Lady Human. I am so sorry for you, you and your inadequate human nose. There are so many stinks that you will never enjoy. You’ll just have to take my word for that.

Be Sure to Wash My Rhinoceros – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: And…

Stella: And what?

Me: That is all?

Stella: Oh, yes. Hello, human population!

Me: I’m surprised at the short intro.

Stella: Queens do not need long introductions. The word ‘Queen’ should be enough.

Me: Then why do you use long introductions most of the time?

Stella: I like the way the words sound. They are pretty and they are all about me.

Snoopey: And we all get tired of hearing them.

Stella: Hey, make up your own words. Leave mine alone. And by the way, leave my toys alone, too.

Snoopey: Finders, keepers; losers, too bad.

Stella: Lady Human, Snoopey slobbered on my rhinoceros! Nasty! Fix him!

Me: Your rhino will be fine.

Stella: No! Germs! Bulldog germs which are stronger than any other germs! Worse than that – they are Snoopey’s germs!

Snoopey: Ha! Ha!

Stella: Wash my rhinoceros, Lady Human!

Me: I’ll get around to it.

Stella: No, now! Use some of that stinky stuff you put in the loud water machine so my rhino won’t get sick from Snoopey Super Germs.

Me: Play with one of your other chew toys.

Stella: My other chew toys are sticks. They have no personality. What must a bulldog do to get good service around here?

Me: Get a butler.

Stella: I thought I already had.

Humans Talk and Talk and Talk and Say What? – Stella’s Blog

Posted on April 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and by “Olde” I don’t mean “old” in years. Would we call ourselves ‘old’? I think not. How rude! But that subject is for another time because today I want to talk. Not as the humans talk (which is all the time). I want to talk about how much the humans talk. They even carry little boxes around with them that make noise and all of a sudden, they talk into those boxes – EVEN WHEN NO OTHER HUMAN IS IN THE HOUSE! How creepy is that!

For example, Lady Human has been talking and talking all week into one of those boxes.

Lady Human: “I know. I know. Right? Someone should say something…”

Yes, Lady Human, someone should say something. Something like ‘stop talking’.

From what I have heard, humans can talk to lots of different people on the little boxes, but mostly one at a time. Sometimes they start laughing and I have no idea what the funny part is because I can only hear one side!

Lady Human: “It was so funny that I had to turn away and cover my mouth. I shouldn’t have been laughing.”

Why not laugh, Lady Human? Is there too much laughter in the world? Are humans suddenly drowning in laughter? Is laughter suddenly a worldwide epidemic? No, I thought not. Please stop being embarrassed when you enjoy what the Great Creator has given you – a sense of humor. Not everyone has one. Snoopey, for example. Tiger, for example. The rest of the pack is all right.

Lady Human: “I am probably going to the grocery store today. I don’t know. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow when I can go get the dog food, too.”

Really? You are talking about going to the store? Make up your mind, will you? What an earth-shaking decision! Though if we are running low on dog food, why would you wait until tomorrow? That’s dangerous around a bunch of hungry bulldogs.

And on and on and on it goes. Talk, talk, talk, and not a drop of interesting bulldog gossip. In fact, nothing about bulldogs. Blah, blah, blah! BORING!

So, this is what I propose. Put the little talking box down. Oh, and make it stop ringing and blipping and squeaking and squawking and popping. Then, talk to us bulldogs. We could use the practice with our verbal skills and, even if we don’t answer back, you will make us feel important.

And bulldog importance is what it is all about, isn’t it? Wait! Don’t answer that! No more talking!

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Month: April 2017