“Have you ever seen a chicken climb a tall fence? It is an inspiring sight. But why did the chicken climb the fence? To get to the other side, I guess.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Climb like a Chicken
The Burned Egg Temptation – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Where is it? Where is it? I smell it. Wait! It was right here on the floor. Emphasis on the was.
Me: Oh, you mean the eggs. Tall Man burned some eggs he was cooking and they spilled on the floor as he was taking them to the trash.
Sweetie: Spilled eggs? Trash? Eggs never belong in the trash, even burned ones. Where are they? Nevermind. I’ll check the trash.
Doodlebug: Too late.
Sweetie: Why are you licking your lips?
Doodlebug: Well, you see, you were taking a nap and there were these burned eggs on the floor and I didn’t want anybody to slip on them and I didn’t want anybody else to be tempted by them so…problem solved. Don’t bother to thank me.
Sweetie: Oh, I won’t.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Head Pets – Conversation with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Come over here, Doodle.
Sweetie: I’ll come over.
Me: Okay, but I still want Doodlebug to come.
MoonCat: Are you giving out treats?
Me: Not right now. Just head pets.
Sweetie: I’ll take one.
MonnCat: Me, too. Briefly.
Me: Come on, Doodle Boy. Head pets.
Doodlebug: Is this a trick?
Me: Since when is a head pet a trick?
Doodlebug: How do I know it’s not an attempt to control me?
Me: Don’t you like head pets?
Doodlebug: Yes. More than just about anything. Which makes them just the sort of thing humans would use to get their way.
Me: So…head pet?
Doodlebug: Yes, please. I guess it’s worth the risk.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Singing Away Summer – Conversations with Sweetie
Sweetie: It was nice of you, Lady Human, to invite me out here while you were cleaning.
Me: Well, you looked bored and Doodlebug and MoonCat are napping.
Sweetie: I like it outside. Sometimes. For a very short time.
Me: It has been super hot, but you are my only true sunbather.
Sweetie: One thing I don’t like…that sound.
Me: Which one?
Sweetie: The one like toenails tapping nonstop. Like one of the Little Human’s wind-up toys.
Me: Oh, the locusts. Cicadas. This is their time. Summer. Heat.
Sweetie: Why do they make so much noise?
Me: I guess because they are singing away summer.
Sweetie: I wish they would stop. Are locusts tougher than bulldogs?
Me: Nope.
Sweetie: Then they’re not a problem then, are they? I’ll take care of this! Hey, locusts! Quiet!
Me: I don’t think they’re listening to you.
Sweetie: I’ll make ’em listen. I’ll just throw my bulldog weight around. Where are they?
Me: Up in the trees.
Sweetie: Cowards.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Doodlebug Dreaming – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hold up there…Stop in the name of the bulldog law…Wub wub wub..wub…
Sweetie: Lady Human! Come quick! Doodlebug has plumb lost his mind and he didn’t have much to spare.
Me: No! He’s just dreaming. See! He’s asleep.
MoonCat: Meow. A bulldog waggling his feet and barking while asleep does not sound sane to me. A cat would never make such an undignified display.
Doodlebug: What? What’s going on? Where am I?
Me: You’re here at home with us. You’re fine. You were just having a dream.
Doodlebug: But what about all that…and all those…and that big….Where did that all go?
Me: Just back into dreamland for now.
Doodlebug: Well, those dream dogs that were trying to eat my dream mountain of dream food better stay in dreamland if they know what’s good for them! I’ll go back for the food later.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggese Interpreter Needed – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie, silence please! You are talking up a storm and saying nothing.
Sweetie: Ruff! Ruff! Bark. Eewww! Arghhh!
Me: Does anybody know what she’s saying? It’s all over the place.
MoonCat: Meow. Sounds like bulldog nonsense to me. But then all bulldog speech is nonsense. Nobody can interpret that.
Me: Okay, Sweetie, you just came back in from outside. You just ate a little while ago. Your water bowl is full. You sound like a mixed bag of everything rolled into one.
Sweetie: It is so simple! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME ALL THE TIME! DO WHAT I SAY EVEN IF I DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOU UNDERSTAND! I AM IN CHARGE HERE! WHY DON’T YOU ALL GET THAT?
Doodlebug: Oh, is that all?
MoonCat: Same ole, same ole.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.
Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?
Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.
MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things
Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.
Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.
Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.
Sweetie: Beds.
Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?
Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.
Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.
Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 