Month: July 2018

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        Okay. Go back inside! Go! Go! Go!

Stella:    But I just made my royal announcement and…

Me:        Everybody needs to stay in the house. This won’t take long. I’ve got something to take care of. I’ll be back inside in a few minutes.

Stella:    What is she doing?

Tiger:     She has some of those little bags. Maybe she is picking up poop.

Doodlebug:   She has picked up some sticks. Maybe she is picking up sticks.

Miss Sweetie:    She is bending over, looking at something on the ground. I can’t see anything.

Wiggles:   She is using the sticks to put something in the bags. Maybe it is something for us to eat.

Tiger:   Lady Human never picks up outdoor stuff for us to eat. She says that the stuff outside is nasty.

Wiggles:   There was that time Sweetie and I brought her that dead rat. We didn’t eat it. It was a gift for her and Tall Man. I never saw it again. I guess they ate it.

Me:        Okay. Everything is all right.

Stella:    What’s all right?

Me:        Everything.

Stella:    What are you hiding from me? What was out there?

Me:        Something that you all didn’t need to mess with.

Stella:    Tell me, Lady Human. You know I am just going to nose around out there and figure it out.

Me:        Well, I’m not certain that bulldog noses could detect it now.

Stella:    Whisper it to me. You don’t have to tell the others. It will be our secret.

Me:        There were two newborn baby squirrels on the ground. They were dead. A storm moved through this morning. It wasn’t that fierce, but I guess it was enough to knock them out of their nest.

Stella:    Baby squirrels? Like baby puppies?

Me:        Not exactly. Their eyes were sealed like puppies, but they have no hair at that young age. I am sorry for them and their mother. In all my years, I’ve never seen this happen before.

Stella:    Why are squirrels so stupid? Why do they live up in trees where the winds can shake them loose? Wait. Were those Jerky McSquirrelyFace’s babies?

Me:        I have no idea. I took their little bodies away.

Stella:    Why did we have to stay inside?

Me:        Bulldogs? Do you really need to ask?

Stella:    I guess the storms are a threat to everyone.

Me:        They can be.

Stella:    Will it always be so?

Me:        We believe that the Great Creator one day will calm all storms and all creation will live free from fear.

Stella:    That will be a great day. I hope I don’t miss it.

Me:        You won’t, girl.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        HAPPY 5^TH BIRTHDAY, STELLA!

Wiggles:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Does that mean lots of special food for all of us?

Me:        No, just a little extra regular food as a treat. The vet said that both of you have gained weight over the past few years.

Stella:    I know! She called me ‘fat’ the other day! So rude!

Me:        She did not call you ‘fat’. She noticed the gradual weight gain and she doesn’t want it to get out of control.

Stella:    I am a bulldog! I am supposed to be out of control!

Doodlebug:        HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT STELLA!

Miss Sweetie:    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT STELLA!

Stella:    Thank you! Do you all have any cake?

Me:        No, they don’t. There isn’t going to be any cake. None of us do cake around here, not even me. You know that. I’m not saying never, but it’s not our habit. Like Forrest Gump said, “One less thing”.

Miss Sweetie:    Who is Forrest Gump?

Stella:    He’s the human who took our cake.

Me:        No, that was just a movie reference.

Doodlebug:        What is a movie reference?

Stella:    It’s an excuse for us not to get cake.

Me:        Tiger, aren’t you going to wish Stella a ‘Happy Birthday’?

Tiger:     Hmmmph.

Me:        That doesn’t sound like ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. You had a birthday just a few weeks back.

Stella:    And we didn’t have cake for that one either.

Me:        Oh, come on, Tiger. Just a little birthday wish.

Tiger:     Hmmmph. Happy birthday. Hmmmph.

Stella:    Thank you. I think.

Me:        Fifth birthdays are great, Stella. They are a milestone.

Stella:    I am missing someone, Lady Human.

Me:        Yes, I know. I am, too.

Stella:    This is Snoopey’s birthday, but she is not here to celebrate.

Me:        How about we celebrate her birthday along with yours anyway? I mean, humans still celebrate the birthdays of people who have gone on. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, for instance.

Stella:    Yes! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Wiggles:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Doodlebug:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Miss Sweetie:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

Me:   Tiger?

Tiger:     Hmmmph! Happy Birthday, Snoopey. Hmmmph!

Stella:    They were not friends.

Me:        I know. Still, Tiger, greatly appreciated. And from me, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNOOPEY!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and I should be treated better!

Me:        Nobody has mistreated you, girl.

Stella:    And don’t call me ‘girl’! I am the Queen and that vet lady today insulted me in addition to poking me with something sharp and sticking a… well, I don’t care to say what else she did.

Me:        Oh, that was a thermometer. She just wanted to make sure that you didn’t have a fever.

Stella:    Then she should have left me alone and stuck the thermometer outside. That’s where the fever is!

Me:        That sharp poking was from a needle that she used to give you your rabies vaccine. It only happens once every three years.

Stella:    Three years must be a very short time because I get poked with a sharp thing every time I go to the vet lady’s place.

Me:        Well, the rabies vaccine is only every three years. Now there are other vaccines…

Stella:    Of course! Always an excuse for a human to stick a poor old bulldog with a sharp thing!

Me:        She said your ears looked really good, especially for a bulldog.

Stella:    My ears are my best features.

Me:        They are cute, but I think she was referring to how healthy they look on the inside.

Stella:    So, she was insulting the health of bulldog ears?

Me:        Bulldog ears are a challenge sometimes.

Stella:    But that’s not the worst thing that the vet lady did. Did you hear? She called me ‘fat’! Me! The leanest, fastest bulldog on Earth!

Me:        Okay, first off, she did not call you ‘fat’. She said that you have gained seven pounds since your last weigh-in a few years ago.

Stella:    Same difference. Fat! How dare she!

Me:        She doesn’t want you to become obese. That could hurt your joints, your heart, your health overall. Humans have to watch out for that as well. Especially as we get older.

Stella:    What? Did she call me ‘old’, too?

Me:        No, but you are going to have a birthday in a few days. Look, she understands that bulldogs can’t get a whole lot of exercise during hot weather.

Stella:    Exercise! Another ugly word! Just as ugly as ‘fat’!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Did you see him, Wiggles? Did you see him?

Wiggles:   I did better than see him. I smelled him. And his big rolling box.

Me:        What’s going on, y’all? What wrong?

Tiger:     That is the question. What is wrong, Lady Human? There is a stranger outside. And now you have put little boxes in front of us and they are blowing air, but you won’t let us chew on them.

Doodlebug:   And the lights are off and the Picture Box and most important of all…

Miss Sweetie:   Me! Me! Me! I get to say it! What was it that I get to say?

Stella:    THE COLD AIR BOX IS NOT WORKING! THE STRANGER OUTSIDE STOLE OUR COLD AIR! CALL THE POLICE!

Me:        Okay. The little fans are stirring the air to cool you all down. And no, you do not get to chew on them. The stranger outside is not a bad guy. He is working on our power line so that it won’t be threatened by the big trees down the way.

Stella:   Someone was threatening our power line? Let us at ‘em! Wait. What’s a power line?

Me:        It’s what feeds electricity into the house. And what are you all going to do to a bunch of trees overhanging our power line?

Wiggles:   I can handle any tree! Where did our cold air go?

Me:        The calmer you stay, the cooler you’ll stay. We are all right. We have ice. We have ice packs. We have battery fans. We have water. And the man outside knows what he is doing and he will have our line moved and reconnected in no time.

Stella:    When is no time? Is that now?

Me:        The power company told me about one hour.

Doodlebug:        Is that now?

Me:        No.

Miss Sweetie:    Is it now?

Me:        You will know when it is when the lights and the air conditioner come back on.

Stella:    What is this power company you talk about? Why can they take away our cold air?

Me:        Look.

Stella:    Where?

Me:        Sorry, that’s a human expression. If we don’t have the power line moved out from under the trees on the neighboring property, a limb could fall on it and disconnect our power. A storm could bring down one of the trees and take out our power. A strong wind. Ice during the winter. So, we asked, and the power company said they would move it so none of that would happen. All we have to do is sit tight for about an hour and the power line will be safe. And we can do that, can’t we?

Tiger:   I guess so.

Doodlebug:   Maybe. Can I have another ice cube in my water bowl?

Miss Sweetie:   I still don’t understand what’s going on. I’m going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up, I’ll know.

Wiggles:   Can I wait? Yes. No. Maybe.

Stella:    Will you stay with us here until that thing you call ‘power’ comes back on?

Me:        I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here.

Stella:    I guess we’ll be all right then.

Me:        Oh, look at that! The power’s back on. Here comes air conditioning!

Tiger:     And lights.

Doodlebug:   And you can take the little fans away. They are creepy.

Stella:    And here comes the Picture Box.

Wiggles:   And I am not even hot.

Me:        That only took about 30 minutes.

Stella:    Hey, the power humans said it would take an hour. Whatever that is. I think you should complain, Lady Human.

Me:        I think I will be thankful for electricity and air conditioning.

Wiggles:   Will the strange man stay outside?

Me:        No, he has other people to help.

Wiggles:   That’s too bad. I wanted to scare him with my awesome bark.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Old English Bulldogges…and OH! HERE HE IS AGAIN!

Miss Sweetie:    WHAT’S HE GOT IN HIS HAND? I WANT IT!

Tiger:     NO! ME! ME! ME! I’M HIS BEST FRIEND!

Wiggles:   GIVE IT TO ME!

Doodlebug:   WHAT’S GOING ON? I MISSED IT!

Stella:    Doodle! That’s what you get for napping!

Me:        OKAY! EVERYBODY QUIET DOWN!

Stella:    If you want us to quiet down, WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Me:   TO MAKE MYSELF HEARD! WHY ARE YOU ALL YELLING?

Miss Sweetie:    WE ARE EXCITED!

Me:   WHY?

Tiger:     TALL MAN IS WALKING THROUGH THE ROOM WITH COOL STUFF IN HIS HANDS!

Me:        HE DOES THAT EVERYDAY! HE IS GOING TO WORK!

Wiggles:   AND IT IS ALWAYS GREAT!

Me:        I THINK IT IS KIND OF BORING!

Doodlebug:        YOU ARE NOT A BULLDOG!

Me:        CAN’T YOU SHOW YOUR EXCITEMENT WITH A LITTLE LESS NOISE?

Stella:    HOW WOULD WE DO THAT?

Me:   HOW ABOUT GOOD OLD-FASHIONED FOOT STOMPING?

Stella:    OKAY! EVERYBODY, YELL AND STOMP YOUR FEET AT THE SAME TIME!

Me:        Sorry I mentioned it.

Stella:    WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WE ARE TOO EXCITED!

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Make it stop, Lady Human. Make it stop.

Me:        Oh, it’s been hotter than this before.

Stella:    How can that even be?

Me:        The hottest recorded temperature in Texas was 120 degrees, but that was a while back and not right around here. I remember the hottest day here. 113 degrees. The year was 1980.

Stella:    Will this story cool things down?

Me:        Nope. 1980 was one of those memorable years, a year when we earned our T-shirts.

Miss Sweetie:    Can I have a T-shirt?

Me:        Well, we have not broken the all-time 100 plus degree day streak yet. But we did break a daily record a few days ago. You’ll probably earn a T-shirt by the end of summer.

Wiggles:   Can I have one, too? Would I have to wear it now? Because I prefer going naked in the heat.

Me:        Sure. I will try to come up with a 2018 Hot Shirt for everybody. Y’all have never experienced anything like this before.

Tiger:   Can you put this in my memory book along with all the other weird stuff that happens?

Me:        Yeah. Why not?

Doodlebug:   Will summer end tomorrow?

Me:        Nope.

Doodlebug:  Then we will have plenty of time to earn our T-shirts.

Stella:    I don’t care what the others get. I want mine to be hot pink. And put a crown on it as befits my rank.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hot.

Wiggles:   Super-hot.

Tiger:     Very hot.

Doodlebug:        Melting hot. Look at my melting face.

Me:   Your face always looks like that.

Miss Sweetie:    We have run out of words for ‘hot’, Lady Human. Do you have more?

Me:        Sweltering. Burning. Boiling. Cooking. Sweaty. The air is a hot, wet blanket. Moving through it is like running through warm bath water.

Stella:    That’s pretty. I like that. Lady Human?

Me:        Hmmm?

Stella:    The bulldogs are acting crazy.

Me:        What? How?

Stella:    Look at Sweetie and Wiggles.

Me:        Hey! Cut that out! Since when does Wiggles try to ride Sweetie?

Stella:    Since Crazy Heat came.  It has never been this hot since the beginning of the world.

Me:        Well, at least not since the beginning of your world. I figure it has not been this hot since any of you were born.

Stella:    Have you been saving this for my birthday?

Me:        Now why would I do that? And how would I do that?

Stella:    Lady Human?

Me:        Hmmm?

Stella:    Tiger is acting crazy.

Me:        Tiger! Stop biting your water bowl! Chew on your tough stick!

Doodlebug:   Lady Human, may I act crazy?

Me:        No. Everybody take a nap! No more crazy.

Stella:    Okay. Good night. No more crazy. Until tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        And…?

Stella:    And what?

Me:        That’s what I want to know. You don’t usually just stop after announcing yourself. You normally have a comment or question or complaint. Lots of complaints.

Stella:    Oh, that reminds me. I have a complaint.

Me:        There it is.

Stella:    Dinner time.

Me:        What about it?

Stella:    It should be earlier.

Me:        Well, the dinner hour is the dinner hour. I mean, if I just go ahead and feed y’all whenever you want to eat, you will be eating all day and all night long. There would never be an hour that is not dinner hour. It is more orderly this way.

Stella:    Speaking of order, I would like to order my dinner right now.

Me:        I don’t take dinner orders.

Stella:    I’ve said it before. I will say it again. This is a terrible restaurant. Don’t expect a tip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Every so often I enjoy myself a good egg. Lady Human only gives them out every so often.

Me:        Y’all don’t need to tank up on eggs.

Wiggles:   I will talk to the chickens about that. They hide some that they are usually willing to kick over to me.

Me:         Yeah, I’ve noticed that. I will talk to the chickens about that myself.

Wiggles:   Eggs are the best thing ever. In fact, Lady Human is getting ready to give us some of her cooked ones now.

Stella:    Really? Cool!

Me:        How did you know that? You can’t see up here.

Wiggles:   I don’t need to see. I can smell. There are 5 of them, one for each of us. They are hard-boiled. Still in the shells. Mmmm! I can’t wait.

Me:        You know all that even when you can’t see them?

Wiggles:   It’s easy for me. Like when Tall Man cooks eggs in a pan for the little human who visits. He lets me have whatever egg falls on the floor. Nobody else seems to care, but I do. Eggs are the Great Creator’s gift to me. And when Tall Man throws the egg shells in your big bag of human discards…

Me:        Otherwise known as the “trash” …

Wiggles:   Yes, wonderful stuff. I don’t understand why humans throw so much away. When he tosses away the egg shells, the aroma floats into my waiting nose and then…

Me:        The second he leaves the room, you assault the trash, digging around for them.

Wiggles:   Yes, exactly. I will have my eggs and eat my egg shells, too.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I do not understand humans. I have tried. The things they do floor me.

Me:        Floor you? Do you know what that means?

Stella:    It means you make me want to flop on my belly and roll over. It means I give up trying to understand. And since my legs are not very long, the floor is not that far away for me to flop on.

Me:        What about humans has you floored now?

Stella:    Humans take sticks, set them on fire, and put them in their mouths. Even a bulldog knows not to do that.

Me:        You mean cigarettes? We don’t smoke around here. Where have you seen cigarettes?

Stella:    The source of all human knowledge, of course. The Picture Box.

Me:        The Picture Box is not the source of all human knowledge by far and away. We need to have a talk about that.

Stella:    I saw what I saw. Smoke coming out of human mouths and noses. Why, Lady Human, why?

Me:        Well, it’s hard to explain. Some people try cigarettes just to see what smoking is like and then it is hard to stop. Some people smoke because they say it relaxes them.

Stella:    How can anyone relax with fire in their mouth?

Me:        Let me ask you a question. What do bulldogs do to calm down?

Stella:    Well, I can tell you what we don’t do. We don’t put burning sticks in our mouths.

Me:        Look at Sweetie right now. What is she doing?

Stella:    She is chomping on her dinosaur.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    She tried to chase the cat and the cat went off to one of her safe places, which I still don’t understand why she has so many of those. It’s almost as though you don’t want us to chase her.

Me:        I don’t. But why is Sweetie gnawing on her dinosaur chew toy?

Stella:    She didn’t get to do what she wanted to do, and her dinosaur makes her feel better…Oh.

Me:        Oh.

Stella:   Then I know what to do. Give all the humans dinosaur chew toys.

Me:        I have trouble picturing that.

Stella:    Oh, that’s easy, too. Put pictures  of humans chewing on tough dinosaur toys on the Picture Box. Humans always want to do what they see on that thing. You all really should listen to bulldogs more often. We have some good ideas.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There are new voices in the house. They are not bulldog voices. I don’t like it.

Me:        Do you mean the chittering in the chimney?

Stella:    Is that what you call it? What is doing that?

Me:        The chimney cover slid over somehow, and a couple of birds have taken up residence up there.

Stella:    Birds are squatting up there? Are they using the bathroom? Eeewww! Tell them to leave! Birds are not permitted here! Only bulldogs are allowed in the house!

Me:        Well, Pearl the Parakeet is allowed. And humans. And a cat.

Stella:    All right. Pearl can stay, and the humans. And I guess Moon can stay. But no others. Except the bulldogs, of course.

Me:        That is so nice of you, Stella.

Stella:    I am a nice dog. Now, about these squatting birds…

Me:        We are working on it.

Stella:    Work harder. Work faster. They are chittering away up there, and I can’t understand a word they are saying. I’ll just bet they are gossiping about us.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And dinner time is…NOW!

Me:        Hold on a minute!

Stella:    Oh, no! We’re not playing that silly game again.

Me:        I mean, how do you know what time it is? You have no sense of time.

Stella:    We have a sense of dinner. Food! Food! Food!

Me:        All right. So, ten minutes ago, you were not ready for food.

Stella:    Ten minutes? I don’t know when that was, but we are ready now.

Me:        And five minutes ago, you were not ready for food.

Stella:    Five minutes? Meaningless. But we are ready now.

Me:        And one minute ago, …

Stella:    What is this thing called a ‘minute’ you keep talking about? We are ready for food NOW!

Me:        Okay. Okay. Here comes the food. You all must have clocks in your stomachs.

Stella:    I don’t know about that. When were we served clocks for dinner? Not that we mind. We are happy to eat anything you offer us.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It’s time.

Me:        Time for what?

Stella:    I don’t know. I just know it’s time for something.

Me:        We’ll go outside, and you can run around. Give me a minute.

Stella:    All right. One…two…three…okay. It’s been a minute.

Me:        Actually, no.

Miss Sweetie:    Is it now?

Me:        No.

Miss Sweetie:    Is it now?

Me:        No. A minute is 60 seconds.

Miss Sweetie:    Now?

Me:        No.

Wiggles:   Now?

Me:        No.

Doodlebug:        Now?

Me:        No.

Tiger:     Give up. It is never going to happen. The minute will never be over.

Me:        It will. Okay, forget about the minute.

Stella:    After all this time?

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are not known as swimmers. Some of us like to bathe and soak and paddle around in water deeper than a water bowl. And some of us, like me, don’t.

Miss Sweetie:    Did you see me, Aunt Stella? Did you see me swimming? I was great!

Stella:    I saw you, Sweetie. I’m not sure that was swimming. It looked more like flopping and wading. But I know you love it so I’m glad for you.

Me:        Sweetie, what happened to your water bowl?

Miss Sweetie:    This is not a water bowl. It is my indoor swimming pool.

Me:        No, Sweetie, that is your water bowl. What are you doing?

Stella:    Sweetie! Get out of your water bowl. Gross! Your rear end does not fit in it. And what are you going to drink? Nasty!

Miss Sweetie:    But this is my swimming pool inside.

Stella:    No, it is not! You are sitting in your water bowl. Now all the water is out of it. What are you going to do when you get thirsty?

Miss Sweetie:    Lady Human will put more water in it and I will drink what I want and then I will sit in the rest. Having an indoor pool is wonderful! We should have done this a long time ago.

Me:        Honestly, we still haven’t done it.

Miss Sweetie:    All I know is that I am sitting in my indoor pool now and I am fine.

Stella:    All I know is that you are sitting in your water bowl and don’t you dare come near mine!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am sad to report that humans are still crazy. They have not improved at all. Last night and the night before that proved their lunacy to me yet again.

Me:        Is this about the fireworks? That’s just something that people do every so often. It’s not that big a deal…

Stella:    Not a big deal? Setting off loud, obnoxious explosions! Blowing up stuff! And calling it ‘fun’?

Me:        When you put it that way, it does sound a little odd.

Stella:    A little? Did you hear it?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    It doesn’t bother you that people are setting fire to explosives and sending the fire up in the air? And why? Because it is super-hot, and they have nothing better to do? Really? If it’s hot, don’t set fire to anything else. Freeze something. Eat ice cubes. Squirt cool water on something. Dogs know these things. Why are humans crazy?

Me:        It was a holiday that traditionally includes fireworks so…

Stella:    So, go ahead and be crazy.

Me:        Well…but I don’t think you have anything to block out tonight. The humans have shot their wad.

Stella:    Another mysterious saying that means what?

Me:        Fireworks aren’t cheap. They cost money. People buy what they can afford and, once they have shot them off, that’s pretty much it. The fireworks stand shut down. The ‘shot their wad’ expression comes from a long time ago when rifles and muskets had to be loaded with a wad of cloth that was rammed down the barrel with the shot. When the gun was fired, the wad blew out, too. Therefore, they had “shot their wad”. Now it just means that people have spent all they have to spend on a certain thing. Why are you looking at me that way?

Stella:    You humans are very complicated creatures. You have long, boring stories behind everything you do. And regrettably, the stories prove my crazy point.

Me:        You mean that your point is crazy.

Stella:    Don’t put words in my mouth.

Me:        Oh, Stella, I do that all the time.

Stella:    And it must stop! I have a mind of my own!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We bulldogs take great pains to clear our footpaths of hazards. The stray stick, poop pile, rock, or plant can trip us up.

Me:        Not really.

Stella:    For that reason, we tamp down our paths and make sure we always run on the same courses throughout our range. One thing that we do not allow on our paths – GRASS! NO GRASS PERMITTED! When humans say, ‘Don’t Walk on the Grass!’, that’s fine with us. There is no grass where we walk.

Me:        That’s the truth.

Stella:    However, …

Me:        Uh-oh.

Stella:    Something has messed up our path by the chicken run.

Me:        Has grass miraculously sprung up?

Stella:    No. That would be a miracle. Something has dug a toe catcher hole in two places in the middle of our path. Not one toe catcher hole, but two. The audacity!

Me:        Okay, those holes are, I believe, locust holes. They are known as chimneys. That is where the locusts have emerged after over a decade in the ground.

Stella:    Those loud, annoying mechanical insects?

Me:        Yes. They’ve been growing down there underground since long before you were born. Commonly known elsewhere as cicadas. Here we call them “locusts” even though they aren’t really locusts.

Stella:    So, you know that you are calling them by the wrong name.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    And you don’t care.

Me:        No. Not really.

Stella:    Good to know. Whatever you call the toe catchers, they have dug holes in our path and I don’t like having to step around their little traps whenever I go trotting freely along. Who needs to get a toe caught in a stupid insect hole?

Me:        Not me.

Stella:    With your monster-sized human feet, you are not at risk.

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now, Wiggles, in your own words, please tell us what happened.

Me:   I can tell you what happened.

Stella:    You will have your chance. But your testimony is only from the human point of view. Wiggles will give us the bulldog facts.

Me:        Human point of view? But I saw what happened. There are no human facts and bulldog facts. There are only facts.

Stella:    Time’s a wastin’! Wiggles, give your account.

Me:     You make this sound like a trial.

Stella:    It is a trial of that wicked red thing over there. Now please let us continue.

Wiggles:   Well, I was asleep, having a good nap.

Tiger:   Me, too.

Doodlebug:   Me, too.

Miss Sweetie:   Me, too.

Stella:   Me, too.

Wiggles:   All of a sudden, that mean old red thing attacked my rear end and woke me up. I jumped up and started barking.

Tiger:   Me, too.

Doodlebug:   Me, too.

Miss Sweetie:   Me, too.

Stella:   Me, too.

Me:   Is that all?

Wiggles:   Does there need to be more?

Me:        Well, I was not asleep. I was sitting right here, and I saw what happened. The wicked red thing is a small red bucket. Wiggles, while you were napping, you moved your rear end and bumped into the bucket. It fell over, startled you awake, and you jumped up barking. As did everyone else, except me. So there. End of case.

Stella:   So, the wicked red thing…bucket…like that’s a real word…gets away with it?

Me:   It’s just a plastic bucket, Stella.

Stella:    Why is it allowed to be in here with us?

Me:   Have you noticed what I do with that bucket?

Stella:    No.

Tiger:   No.

Wiggles:   No.

Miss Sweetie:   No.

Doodlebug:   Don’t care.

Me:   It’s what I use to carry your food to your bowls.

Stella:   Oh. Well, in that case…Wiggles! Watch out where you move your rear end when you nap!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Guess the word I am thinking of.

Me:        Food.

Stella:    Yes, but also something else.

Me:        Treats.

Stella:    Okay, I’ll admit that is never far from my mind. But something else.

Tiger:     Hot.

Stella:    Well, yes, but…

Wiggles:   Puppy pool?

Stella:    No, not for me. I am not a pool dog.

Miss Sweetie:    I am! Me! Me! Me!

Doodlebug:   I know what your word is, Aunt Stella.

Sweetie:   Say it, Doodle!

Doodlebug:   CAT!

Stella:    YEP!

Miss Sweetie:   THAT’S IT! LET’S GO!

Me:   Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold your horses there!

Stella:   There are horses?

Miss Sweetie:    LET’S CHASE THEM, TOO!

Me:        No, there are no horses.

Stella:    Then why did you tell us to hold them? For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me:        Why the rush to chase the cat or horses or anything?

Stella:    Bored!

Tiger:     Bored!

Wiggles:   Bored!

Miss Sweetie:   Bored!

Doodlebug:   Bored!

Stella:    It’s oven hot outside. Cat chasing is the only summer game we’ve got left.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.