I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I do not understand humans. I have tried. The things they do floor me.
Me: Floor you? Do you know what that means?
Stella: It means you make me want to flop on my belly and roll over. It means I give up trying to understand. And since my legs are not very long, the floor is not that far away for me to flop on.
Me: What about humans has you floored now?
Stella: Humans take sticks, set them on fire, and put them in their mouths. Even a bulldog knows not to do that.
Me: You mean cigarettes? We don’t smoke around here. Where have you seen cigarettes?
Stella: The source of all human knowledge, of course. The Picture Box.
Me: The Picture Box is not the source of all human knowledge by far and away. We need to have a talk about that.
Stella: I saw what I saw. Smoke coming out of human mouths and noses. Why, Lady Human, why?
Me: Well, it’s hard to explain. Some people try cigarettes just to see what smoking is like and then it is hard to stop. Some people smoke because they say it relaxes them.
Stella: How can anyone relax with fire in their mouth?
Me: Let me ask you a question. What do bulldogs do to calm down?
Stella: Well, I can tell you what we don’t do. We don’t put burning sticks in our mouths.
Me: Look at Sweetie right now. What is she doing?
Stella: She is chomping on her dinosaur.
Stella: She tried to chase the cat and the cat went off to one of her safe places, which I still don’t understand why she has so many of those. It’s almost as though you don’t want us to chase her.
Me: I don’t. But why is Sweetie gnawing on her dinosaur chew toy?
Stella: She didn’t get to do what she wanted to do, and her dinosaur makes her feel better…Oh.
Stella: Then I know what to do. Give all the humans dinosaur chew toys.
Me: I have trouble picturing that.
Stella: Oh, that’s easy, too. Put pictures of humans chewing on tough dinosaur toys on the Picture Box. Humans always want to do what they see on that thing. You all really should listen to bulldogs more often. We have some good ideas.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.