Uncategorized

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Doodlebug has a potty mouth!

Me:  Do bulldogs talk ugly? I didn’t know that about you all.

Stella: Not words. He’s … you know…munching…

Me:  Oh, no! Not again! Doodlebug!

Doodlebug:  Hmmm?

Me:  You had stopped that.  Now you’re picking up that bad habit again. Why?

Doodlebug:  It’s so tempting.

Me:  Nobody else is tempted.

Doodlebug:  I am special.

Me:  I don’t see how doing that is special. I think it is gross. I guess I am going to have to follow you around.

Doodlebug:  That would spoil my fun.

Stella:  Your bad breath spoils everybody else’s breathing fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhh!

Me:  I apologize for the poor manners of some of my fellow humans.

Stella:  So it is your fault after all.

Me:  Well, not mine personally, but human explosions, yes.

Stella:  I can’t always tell the difference between the sky fire booms and the silly human booms.

Me:  The other day were sky fire booms. We call that thunder. Last night and today were silly human booms.

Stella:  You think that they are silly, too?

Me:  I like watching professional shows. This stuff, not so much.

Stella:  Make them stop! They are keeping us awake. And nervous.

Me:  Be grateful that it only happens once in a while.

Stella:  Is this one your weird special days?

Me:  Yes, the Fourth of July.

Stella:  Must you blow up the sky to celebrate?

Me:  Maybe.

Stella:  More importantly, will there be hamburgers? Make the sky stop booming so I won’t have an upset stomach. Shhh!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Nobody does straight and tall better than I do.

Stella:  Nobody perks her ears better than I do.

Wiggles:  I am the perfect bulldog.

Stella:  No, I am! See!

Me:  What are you two doing? This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen you do! Are you dancing? Are you posing?

Stella:  Yes, both.

Me:  So, you get really still and stand at attention and then you do a little hop?

Wiggles:  Yes. My hop is better though.

Stella:  You wish!

Me:  You are so funny looking.

Stella:  Lady Human, how rude!

Me:  I mean funny looking in a good way. You are making me laugh.

Stella:  I’d like to see you pose like a statue.

Me:  Well, I can try…

Stella:  No, don’t! I didn’t mean that. That is not something I would like to see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. That’s all. I’ll just sit here.

Tiger: Hey, MoonCat is sitting the middle of the floor. Somebody needs to chase her.

Wiggles:  Why don’t you do it?

Tiger:  Nope.

Wiggles:  Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Wiggles:  But you always…

Miss Sweetie:  Nope. I am settled under the air conditioning unit. I am in my zone.

Wiggles:  Doodlebug?

Doodlebug:  Huh?

Wiggles:  Cat chasing.

Doodlebug:  Not now, thank you. That sounds like hot work. I am already hot enough.

Wiggles:  Stella, you’re the queen. The cat is snooting around.

Stella:  Nope. You do it.

Wiggles:  Nope. Cat chasing. Heat. Bad idea. Those two things do not go together.

Stella:  Royal decree number 1023: No cat chasing in the heat. I determine what cat chasing is and what heat is. The end. And don’t hog the A/C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:  What happened in the patio?

Stella:  Lots of things happen in the patio, Lady Human. Please be more specific.

Me:  Poop is all over the place.

Tiger:  It was raining.

Wiggles:  It was wet.

Doodlebug:  It was muddy.

Miss Sweetie:  It was raining and wet and muddy, all three. The patio was drier and cleaner.

Me:  Not anymore.

Miss Sweetie:  I must protect my tootsies.

Doodlebug:  I don’t look good in mud.

Me:  The patio looks like a battlefield, except that instead of bombs, y’all threw poop.

Stella:  Do humans throw poop?

Me:  Well, no, not usually.

Stella:  Then this is another bulldog first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Where is the cracker?

Stella:  What cracker?

Me:  The one I just handed you.

Stella:  Oh, no! A cracker is missing? NO!

Me:  Where did it go?

Stella:  Oh, never mind. I’ve had enough.

Me:  But I don’t want a cracker in the bed.

Stella:  It will be okay. We’ll find it tomorrow.

Me:  No, we will find it now. Use your nose.

Stella:  My nose is not tuned in to crackers.

Me:  Where could it be?

Stella:  Maybe it is hiding from you so you won’t eat it.

Me:  I’m not going to eat it now.

Stella:  Wait. There it is. I’ll eat it. Good night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Have you noticed it, too?

Tiger:  It’s hard not to.

Wiggles:  Should we say something?

Me:  Why are you all consulting?

Miss Sweetie:  They think you are wearing too many bulldog shirts and stuff.

Me:  What do you think, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:  I like them. You can’t be a real bulldog, so you wear bulldog pictures. Next best thing.

Me:  I can’t help it. I am a fan.

Doodlebug:  What’s a fan?

Me:  Uh. Well. That’s short for the word ‘fanatic’.

Stella:  What is a fanatic?

Me:  Someone who shows excessive, single-minded zeal for something.

Stella:  That doesn’t sound good.

Wiggles:  Lady Human, does that mean you are crazy?

Me:  No, just enthusiastic.

Tiger:  Sounds crazy to me.

Me:  Just because I have some bulldog shirts…

Doodlebug:  And that bulldog picture on your little black box.

Miss Sweetie:  And the other bulldog pictures.

Me:  But not on my new baseball cap.

Stella:  That’s because you couldn’t find a hat with a bulldog, so you got one with some other kind of dog. It’s all right, Lady Human. If you are going to be crazy, we are proud that you are crazy for us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  Lady Human, it was my birthday a long time ago.

Me:  Well, if you count almost one week as a long time ago…

Tiger:  My birthday song. We didn’t sing my birthday song.

Me:  I remember singing “Happy Birthday”.

Tiger:  The regular song when you wash your hands, yes. I was talking about my special birthday song.

Me:  Oh, that one.

Stella:  Can we sing it now?

Me:  Sure, why not?

Stella: Okay, tell me. Why not?

Me:  No, what I mean is there is no reason not to sing it.

Stella:  How come you didn’t just say so?

Me:  Never mind. Let’s sing it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! WE LIVE IN A ZOO!

    WE ALL SMELL LIKE BULLDOGS AND WE LOOK LIKE THEM, TOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is snack time, Lady Human.

Me:  Yep, we’ll be starting that in a little bit.

Stella:  And there will be stinky cheese. Hint. Hint.

Me:  I have some cheese.

Stella:  Let me smell your fingers.

Me:  Must you? Can’t you smell my hand from here with your super nose?

Stella:  I can, but they don’t smell like stinky cheese. They smell like plain, unstinky cheese.

Me:  Why does the cheese have to stink? Isn’t the cheesy taste enough?

Stella:  Stink and taste, the best of both cheese worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human says that it is Tiger’s birthday, so I guess I have to believe her.

Me:  It is Tiger’s sixth birthday and we are having a little celebration fun.

Tiger:  That was no celebration fun when you kept trying to trim my toenails earlier.

Me:  No, but things like that still go on when you have a birthday, so…

Miss Sweetie:  Cake? Cake! Cake! Cake!

Me:  We’re still not doing cake. Something else that you all will enjoy.

Doodlebug:  I want a birthday.

Me:  You’ll have one in a few months.

Wiggles:  What about me?

Me:  You had one a few months ago. I am breaking out the birthday treats.

Wiggles:  My nose is tingling. Is it true? Eggs?

Me:  True. Everyone gets one hard-boiled egg.

Tiger:  Just one? I should get more. Birthday bulldog.

Me:  No one should get a stomachache for their birthday. One is plenty.

Tiger:  Thank you, Lady Human. I hope you get an egg on your birthday, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Doodlebug! Yay for Doodlebug! Doodlebug’s back!

Doodlebug:  Phew! Yup!

Me:  Yes, time to take his medicine and go to bed.

Stella:  He is walking.

Tiger:  He looks the same.

Wiggles:  Some hair is missing.

Me:  They had to shave the area where the abscess was. The hair will grow back.

Miss Sweetie:  Did they hurt you?

Doodlebug:  No, but I don’t like that place. When the lady who smells like dogs and cats and medicine brought me back into the big smelly room with the humans and other animals, I pulled hard against her, but then I heard Lady Human say “Doodlebug” and I went right to her and she got me out of there and I got right in the rolling box and we rolled away.

Me:  And for the first time in his life, instead of standing and looking out the window the whole way, he fell asleep on the back seat.

Tiger:  So…is he all right now?

Me:  He has to take his medicine.

Stella: Does his medicine taste good? Because I don’t mind helping him take it if it does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, speak in a whisper. I didn’t want to say anything last night or this morning, but Doodlebug is missing. Everybody is whispering and I am worried.

Me:  Don’t be worried. He is at the vet hospital.

Stella:  NOW I’M WORRIED! THAT IS A HORRIBLE PLACE! ASK TIGER!

Me:  He is having minor surgery…

Stella:  There is no such thing for a bulldog…

Me:  He has an abscess and they will take care of it and put him on medicines to fight the infection and the pain. They said to pick him up tomorrow afternoon.

Stella:  What if they don’t feed him? You know how he loves his food. What if he thinks you are not coming back?

Me: They wouldn’t let me stay and they didn’t want him to leave the hospital.

Stella:  Will you ask the Great Creator to help him?

Me:  Of course. He loves His creation.

Stella:  Then Doodlebug is in good hands, isn’t he?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Yes. Lady Human, do one of those closed eye, tilted head things for him, okay?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, whatcha doin’?

Me:  Staring at a wall.

Stella:  Which wall?

Me:  That one right there.

Stella:  I can do that. Mmmmm…Hmmm…Why are we doing this? The wall just stands there, not doing anything, not going anywhere.

Me:  Do you realize…

Stella:  No…

Me:  This planet is moving around the sun at about 67,000 miles per hour. It is never still. So right now, we are moving at 67,000 miles per hour, and that doesn’t count the earth rotating on its axis or our galaxy of stars moving at 1.3 million miles per hour through the universe.

Stella:  Okay, now I’m dizzy. Lady Human, you need more stuff to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, is everything all right?

Me:  Yes, strangely, I believe it will be.

Stella:  I think things are too quiet. Humans are hardly ever this quiet.

Me:  True. There are loud places. But there are also quiet places.

Stella:  Like when you got quiet this morning and looked at the floor.

Me:  That was head bowing. I wasn’t really studying the floor.

Stella:  I thought not. It is hard to see anything when your eyes are closed. I can’t see anything when my eyes are closed. I figure humans are the same way.

Me:  Yeah, and sometimes we can’t see anything when our eyes are wide open either. But we keep looking.

Stella:  Tell me what we are looking for. I can help. Though my nose is better than my eyes. Maybe you should try opening your nose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Mornings are so nice here. I stay in Lady Human’s bed until late in the morning. It is calm and quiet and peaceful and… Hey, stop it! What are you doing? Let go of my paw! Help!

Me:  Oh, Stella. It’s just my clumsy attempt to clip your nails while you are calm and laid back.

Stella:  Stay away!

Me:  Wow, Stella, that was quite a flip. Careful you don’t slip off…

Stella:  Nobody touches the feet!

Me:  You are really fast! Calm down! Stop flipping around.

Stella:  Calm down? You invaded my safe space with your wicked, sneaky toe snippers!

Me:  Toenail clippers, to be precise. They don’t snip your toes.

Stella:  Tell that to my frightened tootsies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint to lodge.

Me:  And that would make this day different how?

Stella:  This complaint is about MY bed, MY special bed, MY bed that Tall Man gave to Wiggles and now Wiggles is sleeping on MY blanket with MY toys and MY cute little water bowl.  Why did he do such an awful thing?

Me:  While he was laying the new floor, he had to move all your crates and bedding and he just happened to give yours to Wiggles while you were out of the room.

Wiggles:  Stella has a nice bed. I like it.

Me:  Yeah, I saw you both crammed in there.

Stella:  It’s mine! No squatter’s rights for Wiggles!

Me:  We’ll get it sorted out when the floor is finished.

Stella:  No! No! No! Now! Now! Now!

Me:  And then we can get you settled back in your regular beds with some new toys and…

Wiggles:  I’m in.

Stella:   Well, okay. But wash my blanket first. I don’t want that Wiggles smell all over it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Make it stop!

Me:  The noise?

Stella: What else?

Me:  It is a power tool that Tall Man uses to cut the boards for the new floor.

Stella:  We already have a floor. It’s the one we track mud on all the time.

Me:  And it is old. And we can’t fix parts of it. So it must be replaced.

Stella:  Why can’t humans replace things silently?

Me:  It’s just not in our nature to be quiet all the time. Bulldogs should understand that. And power tools make these jobs easier and faster.

Stella:  Are you telling me this because the freaky noise will never stop?

Me:  No, the freaky noise will stop when the job is done.

Stella:  I declare the job done.

Me:  Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

Stella:  Lady Human?

Me:  Yes?

Stella:  Never call bulldogs loud again. You clearly have us beat.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.  Lady Human, watch out! Wiggles is headed your way!

Me:  Stay back, girl! No dog noses allowed in the refrigerator.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  Yeah, I have three. The chickens are not laying a lot right now.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  I am going to make an omelet with cream cheese and dill.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  Yes, and eggs because that is the main thing about an omelet.

Wiggles:  My eggs.

Me:  Well, these three are mine. You’ll get some later.

Wiggles:  My eggs now.

Stella:  Didn’t you tell us to share, Lady Human?

Me:  Yes, but has that ever happened?

Stella:  No, but we enjoy watching you follow your own rules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

:

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I object strenuously to whatever it is that has happened here.

Tiger:  The wall is so blank.

Wiggles:  I think we should demand that things return to the way they were.

Doodlebug:  We should have been given a vote. We would have chosen for the room to stay the same.

Miss Sweetie:  Something is wrong. Something is different.

Stella:  Sweetie! Really? Something? The piano is gone! The shadows on the wall are bizarre. The whole world has turned weird.

Me:  What is going on in here? It is past settle down time!

Tiger:  Uh-oh, she has her tense voice turned on.

Doodlebug:  Should we tell her about the piano?

Me:  Is this about the piano going away?

Stella:  Yes.

Me:  You all saw it wheeled out of here.

Stella:  We thought it would come back.

Me:  The piano is not coming back. It has a new home.

Tiger:  I don’t like that empty wall. And MoonCat is sad. It was her favorite tall place.

MoonCat:  Meow. Awwww.

Me:  I’ll find a cat tower for her. Meanwhile, she has at least six other tall places, so…

Stella:  We hate change. From now on, Lady Human, when you are going to rock our world, tell us first. That includes piano removals, furniture rearrangement, and, most of all, boots left in the middle of a room. That should never happen!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Someone has made a boom-boom in the house and, let me be clear, it was not me!

Wiggles:  Maybe it was a poo-poo, not a boom-boom.

Doodlebug:  Maybe it is only stinky air from someone in this room. Lady Human?

Me:  That’s right. Point the accusing paw at me. I don’t see anything, but there is definitely something smelly in here.

Tiger:  Sweetie! It has to be Sweetie! She’s the smelliest bulldog here and you know how she turns her water bowl into a toilet.

Miss Sweetie:  Not fair! I try not to make stinkies in the house. My water bowl hides the stink. So there!

Me:  No, the smell is not strong by Sweetie’s bed. It is stronger over here by you, Tiger. Tiger?

Tiger:  Awww.

Me:  Tiger?

Tiger:  Awww. I’m sorry, ma’am. It was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep, and I couldn’t wait…

Me:  But where is it?

‘Tiger:  I hid it. In my blankets.

Me:  Oh. You wrapped it up. That’s pretty talented.

Tiger:  Really? I tried to be thorough.

Me:  Let me get this cleaned up. Oh, it was a boom-boom.

Tiger:  Yeah, even two blankets could not hide it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.