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I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

And I am Sweetie and I smell something interesting over here. And over here. And over here.

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t come over here with your giant nose.

Doodlebug: Yeah, I smelled something over in that corner, too, but it wasn’t food, so I lost interest.

Sweetie: It smells like outside does after the sky water falls.

Me: Tracks? You smell where we’ve walked.

Sweetie: Well, of course I do. How else can I know the news and weather?

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Sweetie, Princess of the Olde English Bulldogges…or Queen, I can’t decide which.

Me: Sweetie?

Sweetie: Yes?

Me: What is this?

Sweetie: I think you know what that is.

Me: If you needed to go, you should have called.

Sweetie: I didn’t want to bother you.

Me: Pooping in your water bowl is not ideal, but it does simplify the mess. And it always impresses me.

Sweetie: I have perfect aim, don’t I?

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What is that horrible whining noise?

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t look at me.

Me: Those are the storm sirens. A huge line of severe thunderstorms is moving through in just a few minutes.

Doodlebug: Who told them to move through my domain? I am the king and I did not give permission.

Me: Yeah, well, storms are real bad about not asking permission.

Sweetie: I hear the wind. What do we do? Blow back?

Me: Nope. Just stay inside, hold onto your hats. And pray. We’ve been through this before.

Doodlebug: This is like those shows on the big Picture Box.

Sweetie: Oh, good! Can we have snacks? I want cheese.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Move along. Move along. Time’s a-wasting.

Sweetie:  Hey, no cutting in line! I was here first!

Doodlebug:  My stomach is getting emptier by the second.

Me:  You just ate not three hours ago.

Doodlebug:  YES! TOO LONG! And this line is taking forever.

Sweetie:  The service here is terrible.

Me:  Hey, I’ve only got two hands.

MoonCat:  Meow! Where is my food?

Me:  Coming. Coming. I only have two legs.

Sweetie:  Excuses. Excuses. Keep the line moving.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Sweetie, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Forget that King Doodlebug stuff.

Me: Don’t you want to come in? You’ve been out here quite a while.

Sweetie: Sunbaths are the best thing ever.

Me: Well, they are on 50° days in February. On 103° days in July, not so much.

Sweetie: The sun has been hiding a bunch lately. I’ve got to catch it when I can. Hey, since I am queen, can’t I just tell it to shine?

Me: It doesn’t work that way. Sorry.

Sweetie: Don’t worry about it, Lady Human. Just something else for bulldogs to fix when we take over.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, something is wrong with this picture.

Sweetie: Yes, something is very wrong. The earth has disappeared…again. This smacks of human mismanagement

Me: Well, it is winter after all.

Doodlebug: No excuse. The ground is cold and white and frozen.

Sweetie: Who is in charge here?

Me: To be honest, the Great Creator put humans in charge of the day-to-day…

Sweetie: Just as I thought. HUMAN MISMANAGEMENT.

Me: Admittedly, we don’t always do the best job.

Doodkebug: Bulldogs would never allow this sort of thing to happen.

Me: I think bulldogs would allow other no-so-good things to happen, honestly.

Swettie: Excuses, excuses! Fix this, Lady Human! NOW!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

Doodlebug: What does that mean, Lady Human? That doesn’t even make any sense, bulldog or otherwise.

Me: I am just imitating what I heard you all doing this morning.

Sweetie: That is not a good imitation, ma’am. First of all, you are not a bulldog, so the voice is all wrong. Next, there is no sincere heart-felt complaint in it. When we grumble, we mean it.

Me: I couldn’t tell what y’all meant. Humans have a old saying though. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

Doodlebug: What is flattery? It sounds interesting, like something to eat maybe?

Sweetie: But if it isn’t, we aren’t really interested. Old bulldog saying: “If it’s not food, it’s not worth our time.”

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, how come I don’t have hands like a human? If I did, I could do so much more damage than I can with just my mouth and paws.

Me: The Great Creator is wiser than that. He has plenty to deal with as it is with what all we humans do with our hands.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: And I am Princess Sweetie.

Doodlebug: Since when?

Sweetie: Since I said so.

Doodlebug: Lady Human, you have forgotten something.

Me: I don’t think so.

Doodlebug: Uh, yes, you have.

Sweetie: Second treat.

Me: Oh, that was just a one time thing. You were so restless last night and I thought a bribe…uh, treat might distract you so you could settle down…

Doodlebug: And it worked.

Me: Well, yeah, it did.

Sweetie: So time for another bribe…uh, treat.

Doodlebug: Yep. Look how jumpy and barky we are. A bribe…uh, treat is just the thing to encourage our cooperation and transition into bedtime mode.

Me: I’ve obviously made a mistake with the treats.

Sweetie: Yes. Yes, you have.

Doodlebug: Bribery is a hard habit to break on both ends. So fork ’em over and none of those cheap leftovers, not that we won’t gobble those up, too.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: And I am a beautiful Princess whose beauty sleep has been interrupted two nights in a row. Make them stop, Lady Human.

Doodlebug: Yes, I order that, too! Enough is enough. The booming and banging is out of control.

Me: It has been louder and longer this year, I’ll admit. Not so much a New Year’s celebration as a letting off of steam.

Sweetie: I hear them. There they go again.

Me: Whatever they had left over from last night is being shot off now.

Doodlebug: Humans have no business calling bulldogs loud.

Sweetie: Yeah, we may bark wildly at random hours for no obvious reason, but at least we don’t blow up the sky.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Sweetie, but I’m not the King or Queen or anything like that and that makes me so frustrated that I want to yell at everybody and why can’t I…

Me: Hold up there, girl. Settle down. How about a sunbath? It’s actually warmed up today.

Sweetie: …sunbathe like I want to, but noooo, the sky turned cold and stayed that way so no sunbath for Sweetie and…

Me: Listen! You can sunbathe today. It’s pleasant outside and dry. So go ahead…

Sweetie: …nobody cares that it’s been soooo boring during the bad weather…

Me: SWEETIE!

Sweetie: Huh? Did you say something, Lady Human?

Me: Isn’t it funny? When you are listening only to your own loud mouth go on and on, it is next to impossible to hear anything else.

Sweetie: Oh, don’t call yourself a loud mouth, ma’am. Now, as I was saying, if I could just go sunbathe a little…

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Here me roar!

Sweetie: I don’t care! Here me roar louder!

Doodlebug: No, hear me!

Sweetie: No, me!

Me: No! Both of you, hear ME! What the freakzone is going on? You’ve been at this insane barking for…I’ve lost count how many minutes.

Doodlebug: Well, it hasn’t been long enough!

Me: Yes, it has been!

Sweetie: You see, Doodle? It worked! We got her to bark, too!

Me: What are you up to?

Doodlebug: Nothing. That’s the problem.

Me: Okay. Too much unused energy. I get it. It’s still pretty cold outside, but it’s dry. You can run around and work some of it off.

Doodlebug: I just got warmed up.

Sweetie: Yeah, I feel all toasty now. Barking is great exercise.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Make it stop, Lady Human.

Sweetie: She can’t. The humans don’t know how to make it stop.

Me: Make what stop?

Doodlebug: The strange.

Me: The strange what?

Sweetie: The strange everything.

Me: Could you be a little more specific?

Doodlebug: The too cold weather.

Sweetie: The humans running around like mad cows.

Doodlebug: The weird little lights everywhere.

Sweetie: The humans running around like mad cows.

Me: You already said that.

Sweetie: That’s a big one. I don’t like mad cows.

Me: Listen. It won’t stay cold forever and cold is normal in winter. And the holidays will be over soon, so less craziness…

Sweetie: A likely story. Next you’ll tell us that cows are normal.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint.

Sweetie: Stand in line! Lady Human, something is wrong. It is oh so cold IN THE HOUSE!

Doodlebug: Exactly! I know you humans do not manage the temperature outside very well, but at least inside it’s sometimes tolerable.

Me: Well, we’ve experienced something called an Arctic bomb cyclone.

Sweetie: I don’t care what it’s called. I call it stupid. Make it stop!

MoonCat: Meow!

Doodlebug: See! Even the cat says so and she never agrees with us on anything.

Me: The problem is that our central heating unit is not working right…

Sweetie: How come?

Me: I don’t know, but for the time being, we have our room heaters and we will make do.

Doodlebug: Make do? What is that? Yet another kind of human failure?

Me: Actually, it means we will get through this all right as uncomfortable as it may be for the short term.

Sweetie: Yep. Human failure.

Me: Hey, y’all did all right last night. You had your blankets and the little heater and I heard snoring all night long…

MoonCat: Meow. Make do.

Doodlebug: Bulldogs rule. We don’t “make do”. That’s for cats and humans.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a question.

Me: Nope. All questions postponed until tomorrow. Good night.

Doodlebug: I am the King. I cannot be postponed. My question is…

Me: Bedtime! No more questions! Good night!

Sweetie: But what about…

Me: Later!

MoonCat: Meow. Why does my water smell funny?

Me: Don’t know. Maybe your nose is working funny.

Sweetie: That was an answer, Lady Human. So my question is…

Me: Do you know what a snore is?

Doodlebug: Yes, of course.

Sweetie: Sure. We do it all the time.

Me: Snore.

Doodlebug: How come she gets to ask a question at bedtime?

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: So?

Doodlebug: The cat smells good.

Me: Yeah, I saw you all nose to nose.

Sweetie: It’s her food. I’ll have what she’s having.

Doodlebug: Me, too. Me first.

Me: No, you’ll have your regular food.

Sweetie: How come, Lady Human? Hers smells better.

Me: Nothing better. Just different. Of course, if you want to skip your teatime snack…

Doodlebug and Sweetie NOOO!

Sweetie: What would make you suggest such a terrible thing?

Doodlebug: Yeah, just because the cat’s breath smells delicious.

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what’s that in your hand?

Me:  Nothing much.

Doodlebug:  Yes, it is. Put it down! That’s an order!

Me:  Oh, come on, boy. It’s just eyedrops. You’ve got some allergy goo in your right eye. You look like you’re winking.

Doodlebug:  Nobody touches the eyes. NOBODY! Not even me!

Me:  This doesn’t sting. The vet said this was the best stuff to use. It just takes a second….there…done.

Doodlebug:  Wait. That feels all right. My eye isn’t stuck in wink mode anymore. This is great! DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. I need to poop.

Me:  You just went out.

Doodlebug:  Things happen.

Sweetie:  I need to poop, too.

Me:  You just came back in as well. What did you two spend your time out there doing.

Doodlebug: Well, not pooping.

Sweetie: I think that would be obvious, Lady Human.

Me:  All right then. Go out again. Get your business done.

Doodlebug:  Hey, poop is a big deal.

Me:  Yep. For everyone.

Sweetie:  So special for humans that y’all dedicate special rooms for it INSIDE THE HOUSE! So unfair!

Copyright 2022 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.