Buckets and Mops and Brooms! Oh, My! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: We are under attack! Man your stations! I mean, Dog your stations!

Me: I have never understood this. This is a bucket. This is a mop. This is a broom. What is the problem?

Doodlebug: We are outnumbered!

Sweetie: Yeah, we can’t count on the cat.

MoonCat: Why should I interfere when those things clean up bulldog dirt?

Doodlebug: And I’m not sure which side Lady Human is on.

Sweetie: Look out! That broom thing has swept up some spilled food! Don’t worry! I’ll save you!

Me: Save food by eating it? Okay, I guess.

Sweetie: Y’all can keep that other crumbly stuff.

Doodlebug: Yeah, we’ll arrange to track more in later.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Bribery, Trickery, and Deceit – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Okay, what are you up to, Lady Human?

Me: Up to? Whatever do you mean?

Sweetie: I saw you fooling around with our softie food. You hid something in it, didn’t you?

Me: Would I do that?

Doodlebug: Absolutely!

Sweetie: Yes, without question!

MoonCat: Do I even need to answer that?

Me: Don’t you want this wonderful smelling treat? Mmmm! It’s so good. It’s your favorite!

Sweetie: It does smell good.

Doodlebug: It does look good.

MoonCat: Ask the question, bulldogs. What’s the catch?

Sweetie: Is this a bribe?

Doodlebug: Yeah, you want us to do something we wouldn’t do otherwise.

Sweetie: But it does look good.

Doodlebug: And it does smell good. Oh, all right. Give it here.

Sweetie: Mmmm. Is there any more?

Me: Not right now.

MoonCat: You all sold out cheap.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Tight Spaces – Conversations with Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Me: Sweetie, what do you think you’re doing?

Sweetie: Just trying new things. Look how well I fit in here.

Me: No, you don’t. We’ve talked about this before. There isn’t enough room for you to squeeze your head between that heavy chair and that table. There just isn’t.

Sweetie: Are you calling me fat?

Me: No, I’m calling you what you are. A big-boned bulldog of the English variety, and you can’t fit in any ole tight space you choose.

Sweetie: Watch me! Mmmm…hmmph!

Me: See what I mean?

Sweetie: But if I try hard enough, I should be able to fit anywhere!

Me: Not if it’s physically impossible. And why would you even want to?

Sweetie: It’s a bulldog thing. I’ll just keep trying.

Me: That’s what I was afraid of.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

Dissatisfied Customers – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is the meaning of this? I have never been treated so shabbily in my life!

Me: What’s the problem now?

Doodlebug: There is some kind of muck in my food bowl.

Sweetie: Back to a one star review.

Me: We’ve been over this. This is not a hotel or a restaurant.

Sweetie: Good thing. You wouldn’t be in business by sundown.

Me: The “muck” in your bowl is fresh homemade food, made just for y’all.

Doodlebug: I beg your pardon. Our standards are higher than this.

Me: Higher standards? Like when I caught you trying to eat your own…

Sweetie: Don’t bring that up, Lady Human. That’s a painful memory. And a foul smell.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.

What Wouldn’t a Bulldog Do? – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: I’m Sweetie. Hello.

Me: Hello yourself. After all the things I’ve seen y’all do over the years, is there something you can say a bulldog would not do?

Doodlebug: Hmmm. Nope. Nothing.

Sweetie: Nope. I’m pretty much open to anything.

Me: Nothing you wouldn’t eat?

Doodlebug: Given the chance, I’ll chomp down on whatever. Hey, even if not given the chance, I’ll go for it!

Sweetie: After I inspect it for aroma and taste, yeah. Then I’ll chomp down on it. You can’t be too careful nowadays.

MoonCat: What about rocks? Would you eat rocks?

Doodlebug: What flavor?

MoonCat: It almost goes without saying, Lady Human, but here it is. Stupid is as bulldog does.

Copyright 2024 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Construction Project Manager – Conversations with Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Me: All right. Here we are again. Why are you sitting on that piece of cardboard instead of your pile of comfy blankets or your padded bed or your big red cushion?

Sweetie: Allow me to explain, bulldog style. First, bring that very large open box over here.

Me: To put one cardboard box on top of a flattened cardboard box?

Sweetie nods.

Me: Now you are tapping the big red cushion which means you want that moved to the new cardboard box.

Sweetie nods.

Me: There. Per your command.

Sweetie: Naturally. Ahhhh. Nothing like efficient bulldog management.

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to Simpleton – The Careless Sky

Posted on by H.J. Hill

“The sky is so thoughtless. It scatters its lacy ice flowers all over the place where they get stepped on and dirty and melted by our hot feet. They aren’t even lacy ice anymore. Then they dry up…and go back into the sky… until the sky gets full and careless and drops them again. Well…that’s okay. They are pretty when they are new.”

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What is This Mess? – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is this in my bowl? I am accustomed to being served quality food in the style to which I have become accustomed.

Sweetie: Yeah. He means what is this mess?

Me: I home-cooked some fresh dog food for y’all.

Doodlebug: Oh, no.

Sweetie: Why should we eat that? You don’t even cook for yourself.

Me: Just taste it. It has good ingredients. Ground turkey and some carrots and chicken broth and…

Sweetie: Mmmm. I guess it’s okay.

Doidlebug: Yes, put a little more of that mess in my bowl. No, a little more. And some more. And a bigger spoonful than that and…

Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Tyranny of the Clock – Part 2 – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.

Me: Whatever do you mean?

MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.

Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.

Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?

Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…

Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?

MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.

Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.

Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!

MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!

Outright 2023 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Harsh My Mellow – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you up to, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Yes, you look weird. I mean, weirder than usual. What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing. I’m just putting my feet up and covering my eyes with a cool cloth. Mellowing out a little.

MoonCat: Meow. Something at which I am an expert.

Sweetie: Nope. That doesn’t sound good. That mellowing business needs to stop.

Doodlebug: Your mellowing doesn’t look very bulldoggy. I’m not going along with it.

Me: But you two were all stretched out and mellow yourselves a few minutes ago.

Sweetie: Well, that was just an error on your part. We don’t do mellow.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Schedule – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Teatime is late, Lady Human. This is not a complaint, but it really is a complaint.

Me: It’s not nearly time for that yet.

Sweetie: Bulldog schedules are never wrong. Our stomachs are finely tuned instruments, far better than your clocks.

Me: I’ve noticed that y’all have been moving mealtimes around the last few weeks. Is it because the weather is cooling off?

Doodlebug: Bulldogs don’t respond to the weather any more than we respond to your human clocks.

MoonCat: Meow! Time to eat!

Me: Oh, not you, too.

MoonCat: Not me, too! Me first!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Handful – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What’s the holdup? Where’s my supper?

MoonCat: Meow. Supper is late. And it’s me first, remember.

Me: I’m trying. I’ve got a handful of stuff I’m trying to sort out.

Doodlebug: No problem, Lady Human. Just hurry it up.

MoonCat: As long as it’s a handful of food for me.

Sweetie: Handful nothin’! I’m a bulldog! Bring the bucket!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running around like a Chicken – Conversations with Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Sweetie: Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me: What’s wrong?

Sweetie: There is something running around my sunbath area. I think it is a bird. It has wings, but it is not flying. I think something needs to be done.

Me: It’s alright, Sweetie. It’s a chicken.

Sweetie: Well, I knew it wasn’t a bulldog. But I don’t think it’s right to have a big chicken running around my sunbath spot.

Me: She won’t bother you.

Sweetie: What if she wants my spot? I’m not giving up my spot to a bird. I mean, what if she invites friends? It won’t be a sunbath anymore. It’ll be a bird bath.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Singing Away Summer – Conversations with Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Sweetie: It was nice of you, Lady Human, to invite me out here while you were cleaning.

Me: Well, you looked bored and Doodlebug and MoonCat are napping.

Sweetie: I like it outside. Sometimes. For a very short time.

Me: It has been super hot, but you are my only true sunbather.

Sweetie: One thing I don’t like…that sound.

Me: Which one?

Sweetie: The one like toenails tapping nonstop. Like one of the Little Human’s wind-up toys.

Me: Oh, the locusts. Cicadas. This is their time. Summer. Heat.

Sweetie: Why do they make so much noise?

Me: I guess because they are singing away summer.

Sweetie: I wish they would stop. Are locusts tougher than bulldogs?

Me: Nope.

Sweetie: Then they’re not a problem then, are they? I’ll take care of this! Hey, locusts! Quiet!

Me: I don’t think they’re listening to you.

Sweetie: I’ll make ’em listen. I’ll just throw my bulldog weight around. Where are they?

Me: Up in the trees.

Sweetie: Cowards.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Keep Your Paws Off of Our Stuff – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Don’t touch what’s not yours. Nothing on the floor is yours.

Sweetie: Then why do you throw food on the floor?

Me: I don’t. That comes from big bulldog mouths knocking food bowls about. I’m talking about keeping your paws and mouths off other people’s stuff.

MoonCat: Leave me out of the discussion. I mind my own things

Doodlebug: But you put your paws on other people’s stuff, Lady Human.

Sweetie: Yeah. You’re all the time touching my stuff. Our stuff. Well, it’s mostly mine.

Doodlebug: My stuff. Chew sticks. Balls. That softy toy.

Sweetie: Beds.

Me: Poop? Is that poop outside yours?

Doodlebug: Nope. It doesn’t have my name on it.

Sweetie: Nope. Anyway you can’t prove it.

Doodlebug: Hey, Lady Human, you can put your paws on all that poop outside. It’s all yours now.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Foot Cleaning Social Hour – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Mmmm. Do you clean your feet like this?

Me: By licking them? Certainly not!

Sweetie: Lady Human, I was talking to MoonCat. She has way more feet than you. I don’t expect humans to know how to do things the proper way.

MoonCat: Meow. Your feet are bigger than mine, bulldog. I clean mine from the tops and sides first, but never before eating.

Doodlebug: Only after dinner then.

MoonCat: Yes, King Bulldog. Licking my feet before eating would be vulgar.

Me: Yeah, I can see that. All that loose hair and cat litter and stuff.

MoonCat: Clean your human feet as you wish to, ma’am, and we will clean ours in our own way.

Sweetie: Humans don’t understand the pressure of taking care of more than two feet at a time, MoonCat.

MoonCat: It is a lot of work, but it gives us so much more to talk about during social hour.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.