Everybody Gag! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…English…Bulldogges.  AAAAAGGGGHHH! Awww, what’s that awful smell?

Snoopey:   It’s Lady Human. I smelled her as she passed by. AACK!

Me:        Why all the barking?

Tiger:     Stink! Stink! Stink!

Me:        You all are the last of God’s creatures to be complaining about stink.

Stella:    No, I think you hold that prize now, Lady Human. Gag. Cough. Spit. Ew, it won’t go away! You need to clear up that smell immediately.

Miss Sweetie:    Yes, please. PLEASE! Ugh, my nose is burning.

Doodlebug:        And you all thought MY breath smelled foul.

Wiggles:   Your mouth is a rose garden compared to this. And I don’t even like roses.

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined! The stink killed it!

Me:        Why are you all barking? It’s like an eruption!

Stella:    Why? Are you kidding me? Take it away! Take the stink away! What is it? Will it end the world?

Me:        No, it just seems like it. I harvested the chickens’ eggs. One of them exploded.

Stella:    Was that the loud pop we heard?

Me:        Yes. Yuck.

Stella:    One rotten egg caused all this by itself?

Me:        Yeah. Thank the LORD that the eggs were double bagged.

Stella:    Not good enough!

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined!

Me:        No, we will recover from this before Christmas. I promise. I’m disposing of the remains of the rotten egg now. Give it a few minutes.

Wiggles:   Minutes? Is that like 1…2…3?

Doodlebug:   1…2…3…nope. Still stinks.

Me:        Okay, the offending egg is outside.

Tiger:   Not good enough.

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined! Nooooo!

Miss Sweetie:   Why is Christmas ruined, Aunt Snoopey?

Snoopey:   Because Christmas is supposed to smell good and now the whole world stinks.

Me:        The stink will dissipate soon. There was only one rotten egg and it has been disposed of in the outside trash.

Snoopey:   No! Then Christmas is ruined for the whole wide world.

Stella:    Yes, but we’re okay. So, yippee!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who’s a What? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a good girl.

Me:        Yes, you are.

Stella:    What am I?

Me:        A good girl.

Stella:    Are you sure?

Me:        Yes. Good girl.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Why what?

Stella:    Why am I a good girl?

Me:        Well, when we go out, you won’t jump on people or attack other dogs.

Stella:    So, I am a good girl because of what I don’t do.

Me:        Yeah…

Stella:    That’s all ‘good girl’ means then.  I don’t act like a jerk when we go out. Okay.

Me:        ‘Good girl’ is shorthand for everything you are. You are trustworthy. I can take you anywhere and not have to worry about your behavior. And when so many people are afraid of bulldogs…

Stella:    I know! Why are they like that?

Me:        Bad experiences, I guess. I don’t know, but ‘good girl’ means I can trust you. And ‘good girl’ means that you don’t try to stuff everything in the house into your mouth. I can leave the room and come back to find the furniture still intact. And ‘good girl’ also means that you do not bark insanely over nothing the way some we know do.

Stella:    Name names. Oh, let me! Snoopey. Miss Sweetie. And Tiger, every other day. Say more about me!

Me:        You have a sweet temper. You are patient when I have a lot to do.

Stella:    Like when I wait for the bathroom door to open so I can go potty.

Me:        The back door.

Stella:    That’s what I said. I always wait for the bathroom. I am a good girl.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Party Platform – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I heard the humans talking about having a party on a platform. A party on a platform. Over and over they said it. And then I knew what they were talking about. A bulldog party on the outdoor table. That’s a great platform!

Me:        That’s not what we were talking about. It was something completely different.

Wiggles:   I love to stand on that table. It’s a great place for barking.

Miss Sweetie:   It is my favorite sunbathing spot. The sun is closer there.

Doodlebug:        Party! Party! Party!

Snoopey:   Every once in a long while, the humans have a good idea.

Me:        The platform we were talking about is not a table.

Tiger:     We won’t all fit on top of that table at the same time. We will have to take turns.

Snoopey:   Forget that! I am not taking turns with you!

Tiger:     Oh, yeah? You want to fight? I’m ready! Any time!

Snoopey:   Bring it on!

Me:        Now that sounds more like the party platform discussion we humans were having.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alert: The Trees Are Full of Humans! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wiggles is here to share what she witnessed out in the yard.

Me:        Well, let me tell you what was going on…

Stella:    Nope. Wiggles has the floor as the humans say even though it makes no sense because dogs always have the floor unless we want the couch or a big chair and then we have those, too…

Me:        I was there. I saw the whole thing.

Stella:    Boring. Humans talk all the time. Wiggles will give us the bulldog perspective. Go, Wiggles, go!

Wiggles:   Go? Where? Go where?

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Stella:    No, I mean tell us what you saw.

Wiggles:   Tree. Man. Flying man up in tree. Flying man with shiny sword up in tree. Me barking. And that’s about it.

Stella:    Okay, that made just about no sense at all. Lady Human, would you care to translate?

Me:        Sure, here is my boring translation: Tree – a man in our neighborhood had a tree in his yard that he needed to have trimmed. Man – actually, more than one man. The neighbor hired some men to trim the tree.

Stella:    See! I warned everybody. Boring! Get to the interesting part!

Me:        Flying man up in tree. Not a flying man. A climbing man.

Wiggles:   With a shiny sword.

Me:        With a shiny saw blade with which to cut branches.

Wiggles:   No, I don’t think so. Definitely a flying man. Definitely a shiny sword. And me barking. Did you see me barking at him? Did you see how brave I was?

Me:        Yes, I did see that.

Wiggles:   I told him off. I told him he’d better not fly over onto our trees and he didn’t. Let all flying men with shiny swords stay away.

Stella:    And yet the unarmed squirrels remain.

Wiggles:   Of course. Squirrels don’t need swords to be terrifying.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Take Your Feet Out of Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

20151220_230434.jpgI am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four feet. As does Lady Human.

Me:        Correction. I have two hands and two feet.

Stella:    Same difference.

Me:        Not really. I don’t walk on my hands and toes are not fingers.

Stella:    You are doing the same things with those hands of yours that I do with my feet.

Me:        Specifically?

Stella:    Putting them in your mouth. Take your feet…

Me:        Hands.

Stella:    …out of your mouth.

Me:         To humans, putting your foot in your mouth has a totally different meaning. It means that you have stumbled over your own words.

Stella:     Typical. Humans making words mean what they don’t mean. I saw you! You put those long things…

Me:        Fingers.

Stella:    …in your mouth and you chewed on them.

Me:        Cuticles. I admit it. I chew on my cuticles.

Stella:    Are cuticles the same as feet?

Me:        No, they are the skin around the nails. They get dry. And they stick out. And they get snagged on stuff. And there my teeth are, close by. It’s so easy to just bite them off.

Stella:    Now you are talking bulldog. But still, take your feet out of your mouth. It doesn’t look as good on humans as it does on us.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Learn to Prioritize – Conversations with Stella

Me:        One of the most important life lessons is learning to prioritize.

Stella:    Wait! Why are you talking?

Me:        I need to remind you all that when we go outside, bathroom comes first.

Stella:    And again, why are you talking?

Me:        I have a few things to say.

Stella:    Maybe, but are they things we want to hear?

Me:        When we go outside, all bathroom business takes priority.

Stella:    How is that your business?

Me:        It becomes my business when bulldogs play and come back in and then, ALL OF A SUDDEN, SURPRISE!

Stella:    Oh, Lady Human, it’s never all of a sudden and it’s never really a surprise, to us anyway. Stuff happens.

Me:        Stuff should not happen in the house. Understand? When you go outside, the first thing should be the first thing. Prioritize. Get the important things done and then play play.

Stella:    Is that a human rule? Do humans do that?

Me:        Well…

Stella:    That’s what I thought. Problem easily solved, Lady Human. Install that indoor toilet for the bulldogs. I’ve been arguing for this forever. Your life made easier. Our lives made easier. Easy peasy.

Me:        Not going to happen. That project does not appear on any of my to-do lists.

Stella:    Typical. The easiest solution is the one the humans reject. All right. Let’s just hope that your list of priorities eventually matches ours.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Moon-bathing – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a good girl.

Me:        Yes, you are. And… why are you bringing up that detail?

Stella:    Because Wiggles and Sweetie are not being good girls. I have heard you calling them to come in for at least 2 years now.

Me:        Two years? That’s a bit of a stretch. Try an hour, maybe.

Stella:    Mmmmm, seems longer.

Me:        I know it’s a nice evening outside, but I can’t figure out the draw. Why aren’t they coming in? Usually I only have to call them 10 or 12 times. And then I have to go out and get them.

Stella:    Yeah, they are twin-kies.

Me:        What’s so special outside?

Stella:    That big light in the sky.

Me:        The moon?

Stella:    Have you seen it tonight? The Great Creator’s flashlight. It is big and bright, more than usual. We notice things like that.

Me:        Oh, that’s right. The super moon.

Stella:    Simple. They are moon-bathing. Second best thing to sunbathing.

Me:        Okay, if you say so.

Stella:    Better even. No heat.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Water Bowl Mystery – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Strange things occur in the houses of humans.

Me:        What other kinds of houses are there?

Stella:    Birdhouses.

Me:        Okay. I’ll give you that one.

Stella:    Cow houses.

Me:        Let’s call those ‘barns’.

Stella:    Rabbit condos.

Me:        Okay. We did have one of those.

Stella:    Cat houses.

Me:        Well, that can mean more than one thing. Let’s just say that cats live mostly in human houses. What strange things are you talking about?

Stella:    My water bowl is empty. I go outside. I come back in. My water bowl is clean and full. Mystery.

Me:        Not really. What happens is…

Snoopey:    Are you that silly? What do you think happens? She cleans and fills the water bowl while you are outside sniffing around.

Miss Sweetie:    But it’s happened to me, too. Sure, sometimes Lady Human cleans and refills my water bowl right in front of me, but other times…I go outside. I come back in. It’s all clean and full of new water. Mystery.

Stella:    You see! Sweetie knows. She has seen it!

Tiger:     You all are the goofiest things going. Whether you are outside or in, she cleans your bowls and pours more water in. No mystery. Done and done.

Doodlebug:   Water is water. Who cares how it gets there?

Wiggles:   Yeah, that’s wise.

Snoopey:   Wise, nothin’! You’d better hope Lady Human is around to clean and refill bowls!

Stella:    No, Snoopey! The humans have this story about a man in a red suit who comes around one night a year, bringing presents, toys, food, all kinds of good stuff, and he is never seen, and he disappears into the night and it’s a mystery.

Snoopey:   He had better show up more than once a year if you’re depending on water from him.

Me:        That’s a story. I’ll tell you about the real man that story is based on sometime soon. Meanwhile, the truth is…

Stella:    The truth is our water bowls get cleaned. The truth is our water bowls get refilled. A mystery. One for which I am grateful.

Me:        Amen. Let’s just leave it at that for now.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

It Is Rude To Point – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have said so often, humans are rude.

Me:        So says a bulldog. Where shall my list of rude begin?

Stella:    I’ve heard you say before how rude it is to point. I call all to witness! Has Lady Human or Tall Man ever pointed at you?

Tiger:     Sure.

Wiggles:   All the time.

Doodlebug:   Yep.

Miss Sweetie:  I don’t know. I don’t pay attention.

Snoopey:   Yeah. What’s the big deal?

Stella:    The big deal is respect.

Me:        Exactly. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Stella:    What? How rude!

Me:        For example, I say, “Time to go out.”

Stella:    Yes, and I say, “No, not time to go out yet.”

Me:        Therefore, I point to the back door.

Stella:    Contradicting my decision by your rude hand gesture.

Me:        And then, I point to you or whoever and point to the door again.

Stella:    And I grudgingly stand up and trudge to the door and out while your rude finger is still pointing as though I don’t know what that means. The humans say that when you are pointing at someone with one finger, three fingers are pointing back at you.

Me:        Yeah, some people say that. It means don’t go accusing others, especially if you are guilty of the same thing.

Stella:    Just as I thought. You point at me to go do a thing and you need to be doing that 3 times over.

Me:        It doesn’t work that way.

Snoopey:   I like it when the humans point. They seem to know what they are doing.

Tiger:     Yes. No. Maybe.

Doodlebug:        I go where they point because I get a treat when I do.

Wiggles:   There are treats for that?

Miss Sweetie:    I don’t know. I don’t pay attention.

Stella:    And once again, bulldog dignity is sacrificed for cheap treats.

Me:        Hey, those treats cost a lot and I like to call it ‘training’.

Stella:    I call it what it is. Bribery.

Wiggles:   I’ll have some bribery, please.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stare Down – Conversations with Stella and Moon the Cat

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I can’t talk now.

Me:        Then why did you introduce yourself?

Stella:    I can’t talk because I am in a stare down with Moon the Cat. It is intense. It is touch and go. But in the end, I am sure that my huge bulldog eyes will win.

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Me:        What do you say to that, Moon?

Moon the Cat:   Meow.

Stella:    Typical.

Me:        This is quite a contest. What are the rules?

Stella:    Ask her.

Moon the Cat:   Meooowww.

Stella:    Must I explain everything? Oh, all right. We stare each other in the eyes. No looking away.

Me:        Is blinking allowed?

Stella:    Of course. What do you think we are? Crazy?

Me:        I haven’t figured that out yet.

Stella:    Whoever looks away, moves away, or falls asleep first, loses!

Me:        Falling asleep is an option?

Stella:    The game can grow boring after a while.

Me:        What if someone interferes?

Stella:    Then we stare at them. Since they can’t stare in two directions at once, they lose.

Me:        This is just for you two, I take it.

Stella:    She is my nemesis and I am hers.

Me:        Okey dokey then. Well, see y’all later.

Stella:    Only if the stare down is still going and you want to play. Remember the rules. You lose.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

A Quiet Visit – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, Lady Human is in violation of her curfew.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Granted.

Me:        I mean, what curfew? I am an adult human, remember. No bulldog-imposed curfews here.

Stella:    You are supposed to come within an hour of church ending unless you let us know that you are going to lunch with humans.

Me:        Do you really keep that close a count on my minutes outside the house?

Stella:    If we don’t, who will? Where did you go after church?

Me:        Well, truthfully, I went to visit my father’s grave.

Stella:    Is grave a trick word that means you went to lunch with the humans?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Then what is a grave?

Me:        It’s where someone’s body is buried after they die.

Stella:    Die? Death happened to your sire?

Me:        Yes, 5 days before Christmas, 43 years ago.

Stella:    That sounds like a long, long time.

Me:        It is a long, long time. And it’s like yesterday.

Stella:    And his body was buried in a grave? Why?

Me:        Because he didn’t need it anymore. He left it and went on.

Stella:    I think I understand. Dogs bury things. We visit them later.

Me:        Humans are…different.

Stella:    So why did you visit your sire’s grave?

Me:        One of my cousins lives far away. She wondered what the place looks like now. She has not visited for a long time. I sent her some pictures.

Stella:    What does it look like?

Me:        A field. Grass. Trees. Sun. Shade. Quiet. And nearby is this very large oak tree.

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Stella:    So, this is how you remember.

Me:        One of the ways.

Stella:    You believe that your father is with the Great Creator.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    That your father is not where you visited today. Just what he left behind.

Me:        Yes, even so.

Stella:    Please feel free to visit that memory place whenever you wish, Lady Human. May I go with you someday?

Me:        I don’t know if dogs are allowed because, you know, dogs…and grass.

Stella:    I understand. It’s terrible to be the well-behaved one among all the misbehavers.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bulldog Elbows – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have elbows. The Great Creator gave them to me. Therefore, I will use them.

Me:        Hold on a second!

Stella:    Nope! How can anyone hold onto a second?

Me:        Yes, I don’t appreciate being jabbed, poked, and assaulted by bulldog elbows, thank you very much!

Stella:    Hey, if you are in the way, my elbows are here to get you out of the way. Boom!

Me:        Oh, really! How would you like it if I used MY elbows on you? Boom!

Stella:    Bony human elbows. Hah! Big deal! Watch this!

Me:        Ow! Move over!

Stella:    You invited me back here into your room. I find your hospitality to be lacking.

Me:        Hey, you live inside. You sleep in my room. How is my hospitality lacking? Just keep your sharp elbows to yourself.

Stella:    <poke>

Me:        Ow!

Stella:    Don’t play around with bulldog elbows! Move aside!

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Food Day – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today is what our humans call Food Day.

Me:        No, today is what we call Thanksgiving Day.

Stella:    Same thing.

Me:        Not really. Remember this morning when I gave you all your breakfast? Do you remember what I said to each of you?

Stella:    Yes, you said, “Food. Food. Blah. Blah. Blah.”

Me:        No, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving!”

Stella:    Same thing.

Me:        I admit that special food plays a big part in this celebration.

Stella:    Is that why you ate chips and salsa for breakfast?

Me:        I… really, I just…well, the chips and salsa were sitting there.

Stella:    And they jumped into your mouth because they are special food for Food Day, especially in the morning.

Me:        Forget about the chips and salsa thing.

Stella:    It is hard to forget that picture in my mind.

Me:        Back to Thanksgiving Day. It is a special day for giving thanks to God and remembering our blessings.

Stella:    Just today? That is stingy.

Me:        No, not just today. We should give thanks every day. But today is a public celebration. Families. Friends. Special food. Well-wishing.

Stella:    Like those humans who throw money in a hole in the ground.

Me:        No, not at all. This well-wishing is hoping everyone has a happy day. So Happy Thanksgiving, Stella girl.

Stella:    And to you, too, Lady Human. Have a good Food Food Blah Blah Blah Day.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Blame It on the Cat – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Everybody, no barking or fussing. We have something to cover up. Silent, nose-to-nose communication only.

Me:        Wait! What’s going on?

Stella:    Who says anything is going on?

Me:        Your silent, nose-to-nose communication. Did you think that I wouldn’t notice?

Stella:    Yes. The ways of bulldogs are mysterious. Aren’t they?

Me:        Can you identify the source of the bad gas smell in the den?

Stella:    Bad gas smell? Sounds like a human problem. No issue here among the bulldogs. Right, pack? Pack? Hey, a little backup needed here!

Miss Sweetie:    Silent, nose-to-nose communication only, Aunt Stella. Remember? Cover up.

Stella:    Thank you, Sweetie. Why don’t you go sit over there where you can’t hear?

Me:        So, whose stomach is upset?

Stella:    The cat. Yeah, that’s it. The cat. Have you seen? She uses the bathroom in a box INSIDE THE HOUSE! I thought that was against the rules, except for humans who also use the bathroom INSIDE THE HOUSE! Unfair. Unfair. Unfair…

Me:        I don’t believe that Moon is responsible for the bad gas smell.

Stella:    Of course, she would say that!

Me:        I think maybe you have a little stomach upset.

Stella:    Lady Human, for shame! It’s the cat. It’s just like something she would do.

Me:        How about some pumpkin in your food?

Stella:    Well…I don’t know.

Me:        You like pumpkin, right?

Stella:    Well…maybe a little would be okay.

Me:        There. I don’t think we will be experiencing any more bad gas smell problems in a while.

Stella:    Now if only you would do something about the cat.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Shouldering Through – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human wants to make another of her useless announcements. I had rather take a nap.

Me:        Why ‘useless’?

Stella:    What part of bulldog don’t you understand?

Me:        I have noted a disturbing trend during the past week.

Stella:    Have you noticed that humans are getting more annoying?

Me:        No. Yes. No. Maybe.

Stella:    That’s the disturbing trend I have noticed.

Me:        I have noticed that the bulldogs, including you, oh Queen, have been rushing the doors to push through ahead of me with the result that you all are banging your shoulders into my legs and into the door. You won’t even let me get the door open before you slam your shoulders into it. And you know what that means?

Stella:    It means that you are not opening the doors quickly enough. Hurry up from now on. End of trend.

Me:        It means a traffic jam, and no one gets through until somebody backs up.

Stella:    And that somebody is you.

Me:        How about a little less rush? How about taking turns?

Stella:    Yes, I agree, Lady Human, that is exactly what you should do.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Urgent Alert! There is a Cat in the House! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is an urgent alert! Ring the alarm bells! All eyes open! There is a cat in the house!

Me:        Of course, there is a cat in the house. Our cat, Moon, is in the house.

Stella:    No, this is a different cat! Everybody, be on the lookout!

Me:        Stella, I guarantee that there is no strange cat in the house. I took Moon to the vet. She’s a little tired, that’s all.

Stella:    Nope, Moon never leaves the house.

Me:        She does when she goes to the vet.

Stella:    And Moon prisses around all over, flaunting her cattiness in our faces. This strange cat seems sweet and quiet. Not like a scratcher at all.

Me:        She got a vaccination. She doesn’t like her cat carrier or riding in the car. She complained to me the whole way there and the whole way back.

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Stella:    That shows how dumb cats are. Who in their right mind doesn’t like riding in a car? That doesn’t sound like our Moon. She is too smart to disdain a car ride.

Me:        Let her have a good nap and she will be back to her usual self.

Stella:    There she is! Charge! Ouch! Hey, it is Moon!

Me:        I guess she didn’t need that nap after all.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Floor Licker – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My manners are fastidious. That’s what Lady Human says. I don’t know what fastidious means, but it sounds great! Just like me. I am fastidious.

Me:        Well, you don’t lick the floor.

Stella:    So not fastidious people lick the floor?

Me:        No, but non-fastidious dogs do.

Stella:    Oh, like you-know-who. And the other you-know-who. And the other you-know…

Me:        Like every bulldog I know, except for you.

Stella:    They are simply not fastidious like me.

Me:        I understand licking a spot where food has fallen, but Wiggles, for example, licks random spots that have no rational relationship with food.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I know because no food has fallen in those spots.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I can look at the floor and see.

Stella:    Pffft! It’s not what a floor looks like that counts. Humans are so silly. Smell, Lady Human. Millions of nasal receptors, Lady Human. The floor smells like…what is one of those places that sells lots of food all at once?

Me:        A smorgasbord?

Stella:    What? No!

Me:        A buffet?

Stella:    Mmmm. No.

Me:        A grocery store?

Stella:    That’s it! But please introduce me to those other food places I’ve never heard of when you get a chance. What other secrets are you withholding from me?

Me:        I can’t begin to explain.

Stella:    Well, well, so hidden smelly spots on the floor are not the only mysteries here.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Get the Dog Smell Out – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is washing big pieces of cloth in her big, noisy machine. It is annoying. I wish it would stop. Dare I ask?

Me:        Nope.

Stella:   Please.

Me:        Nope. Has to be done.

Stella:    But why? It just goes on and on and on and on…

Me:        I have to wash all this stuff to get the dog smell out.

Stella:    Dog smell? Like what I smell or what I smell like?

Me:        What you all smell like.

Stella:    Are you saying that I stink? Are you saying that you don’t like the way I smell? Awwww. My smell is me. If you don’t like my smell, you don’t like me. Awwwww.

Me:        Not the same.

Stella:    Yes, the same. How can I separate me from what I smell like?

Me:        I could give you a few more baths.

Stella:    Some other way.

Me:        I can do what I’m doing right now. Wash everything. Now that you and Snoopey are both sleeping in my room, I have to wash your bedding…and mine pretty often. When I walk into my room, I want it smell more like me than like you.

Stella:    Wrong choice.

 

 

 

 

Copyright  2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Why Aren’t You Like the Humans on TV? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, QUESTION!

Me:        No need to yell.

Stella:    I am not yelling. I simply have a big mouth. Get used to it. Why don’t you act like the humans on that Picture Box you call TV?

Me:        For one thing, those are mostly actors and actresses. And advertising people who are selling stuff. And politicians. And news reporters.

Stella:    Okay, so everybody is putting on a show. Got it. Why can’t you act more like them?

Me:        You like what you see in humans on TV?

Stella:    They smile a lot.

Me:        You want me to smile more. Like this?

Stella:    Ew, no! Stop smiling!

Me:        Aw, you don’t like my smile.

Stella:    It looks phony. I want you to smile like those TV people.

Me:        And you think their smiles are less phony than mine. Okay. What else do the TV humans do that I don’t?

Stella:    They tell jokes all the time and lots of invisible people laugh.

Me:        Those invisible people are either a studio audience or taped laughter.

Stella:    Yes. Exactly. That’s how our house should be. Lots of laughing all the time. Bulldogs are hilarious. You should be hilarious, too.

Me:        That might be too much hilarity.

Stella:    No. Just be funny and get some of those invisible people in here to laugh.

Me:        What else?

Stella:    We can turn the humans on TV off any time we want to.

Me:        So, you want me to…

Stella:    Turn yourself off from time to time.

Me:        Oh, thanks.

Stella:    You have been staying up later and later which means that we have been staying up later and later. Turn off the Picture Box, the big one and the little one you carry around, and turn yourself off. Go to bed so I can turn myself off and go to bed. Then you will be a true TV human. You push that button and turn them off so they all go to sleep.

Me:        Actually, pushing that button just turns the TV off. The people aren’t affected.

Stella:    You mean they keep on moving around inside that dark box, stumbling into each other, and are never allowed to sleep? NO!

Me:        Don’t freak out, Stella! That is not what happens. The TV people are not in the Picture Box, ever.

Stella:    Are you sure? Maybe we should open it up and see.

Me:        Trust me.

Stella:    Like we trust the people on TV? Sure thing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Step on the Other Dancers – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are dancers. Tap dancers, mostly. But we also do ballet.

Me:        Really? I have trouble picturing that. I’ve seen y’all dance, but never ballet.

Stella:    Just watch me.

Me:        Sticking your hind leg out behind you and shaking it does not quite qualify as ballet dancing.

Stella:    My interpretation of it.

Me:        Okay. If you say so.

Stella:    But I have one rule when dancing, a rule that Wiggles violated.

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Me:        Well, Wiggles is taking a nap now so…

Stella:    The rule, you ask?

Me:        I didn’t really ask.

Stella:    The rule is ‘Don’t step on the other dancers!’

Me:        Sounds like a good rule.

Stella:    All my rules are good rules.

Me:        Okay. If you say so.

Stella:    I do. I saw you trying to dance and Wiggles started her comma dance and stomped on your feet.

Me:        You saw me dancing.

Stella:    I saw you trying. Don’t worry. You just keep on trying. I won’t tell anybody. You could sign up for lessons with me if you’d like.

Me:        Sign up? You teach dance lessons? Since when?

Stella:    Since I saw you trying to dance. Bottom line, as the humans say, don’t step on the other dancers. Rule #1. Rule #2 – Always pay your dance teacher on time. I accept treats at 9 a.m., noon, 4 p.m., and midnight.

Me:        Midnight? I’m not staying up until…

Stella:    All right. Midnight is negotiable. Oh, and remember something else. Don’t dance with Wiggles. She is a foot stomper. And a prima donna.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.