MoonCat: Meow! Lady Human, someone…let me be plain…A BULLDOG HAS BEEN TASTING MY WATER!
Sweetie: Lady Human, let me be plain, the cat does it to us all the time.
Me: There is water all over the floor.
Sweetie: My face doesn’t exactly fit into a cat’s water bowl, so that’s to be expected. Why is it okay for her to do it when we are outside?
MoonCat: Because my face is small and I never spill a drop, said no bulldog ever.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Decisions! Decisions! So hard to make up my mind.”
“What do you mean? They are all the same.”
” No. One is on the left. One is in the center. And one is on the right. Totally different.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. ALERT! ALERT!
Sweetie: DOUBLE ALERT!
Me: What in the world is going on?
Doodlebug: Tall Man is fighting with the mop for control of the floor!
Sweetie: The mop is winning!
Doodlebug: He needs reinforcements.
Me: Y’all settle down. Too much barking over too little.
Sweetie: Wait. How did you know it was us barking?
Me: Cats don’t bark.
Doodlebug: Humans do. How did you know it wasn’t Tall Man? It could have been.
Sweetie: Naw. Different accent.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Resist temptation! Resist it! Resist! Oh, doggone it! Why’d they leave it out where it could call my name?”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Sweetie: MINE! MINE! MINE! Don’t park on my chair!
Me: Your chair? Excuse me?
Sweetie: You are excused, Lady Human. You may go park yourself in the other room.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I am staying out of this. I’ll let you girls sort this out between you.
Me: This chair is and always has been mine. I don’t mind you using it, Sweetie, but you must let me onto it so I have a place to sit in here.
Sweetie: We don’t both fit on it at the same time.
Me: Now that is a true statement.
Sweetie: Maybe you should lose some weight.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sweetie: Granted.
Me: We are going to have to agree to share.
Sweetie: Share? I don’t like the sound of that. That doesn’t sound very bulldoggy.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“We’re back!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bullgogges. Lady Human! Oh. Lady Human!
Me: Do you all know what time it is?
Sweetie: Don’t know. Don’t care. Time to get up, Lazybones.
Me: Get up? It’s still dark outside!
MoonCat: Best time of day.
Me: Did you get this party started?
Doodlebug: No, I did. She just suggested it.
Sweetie: Hey, Lady Human, this is an early breakfast call. Just give us the grub so we can get back to bed. What you do with your time then is your business.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Sing, birdies, sing! My ears are open. My soul sings with you.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug,, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie and I have noticed a decided reduction in the volume of our treats lately.
Doodlebug: Yeah, Lady Human, they are barely a bulldog mouthful.
Sweetie: Are you skimping on us? Again?
Me: I have noticed that you are both putting on a little extra weight lately.
Doidlebug: So? I am a healthy growing boy.
Me: Uh, excuse me, but you stopped being a growing boy some years ago.
Doodlebug: So how can I be putting on weight then? Really, Lady Human, you make no sense.
Sweetie: Don’t fret, Doodle. She’s just skimping. We’ll take care of it tomorrow. Psst…I know where she keeps the good stuff stashed.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Quick! Quick! Hurry! Hurry! Hungry! Hungry!
Me: This food bag is heavy and I have to move with baby steps so I don’t fall over or pull a muscle.
Doodlebug: We call what you are doing ‘puppy steps’. Let’s speak clearly, ma’am.
Me: Okay, puppy steps then. My point is that we all go at our own pace.
Sweetie: If you would just get two more legs like we have, you could puppy step faster.
Me: Sorry. That’s not going to happen. The Great Creator gave y’all four each, not me.
MoonCat: I have the most talented four feet in the whole house. When I walk, it’s called “pussyfooting”. The best of all worlds.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“When is enough enough? NEVER! Keep piling it on!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where’s my snack?
Me: You ate it.
Sweetie: That was then. This is now.
MoonCat: And my water needs to be changed. It’s stale.
Me: It was changed 20 minutes ago.
MoonCat: Yes, that’s what I mean.
Me: I don’t even change my own water more often than every 20 minutes.
MoonCat: That is you. This is me.
Doodlebug: Lady Human!
Me: Yes?
Doodlebug: Nothing. Just making sure you were listening.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Don’t stomp on young plants. They aren’t very strong. Watch out where you put your big ole bulldog feet.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Sweetie: Lady Human!
Me: Hmmm.
Sweetie: LADY HUMAN!
Me: Huh? What?
Sweetie: You are sleeping in my chair!
Me: Am I? Wait. This is my chair.
Sweetie: No. It WAS your chair until you abandoned it for a few minutes one day and I claimed it.
Me: I don’t believe your claim would hold up in a court of law. In fact, I’m certain it would not. So my chair. My human-owned chair. The end.
Sweetie: You just wait.
Me: Wait until what?
Sweetie: Until you leave the room. Possession is nine-tenths of bulldog law.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Why the big hurry? SLOW DOWN! Ambling is its own reward. And all we have is now.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Uphill is always a climb. How hard a climb depends on how steep the hill is and on how determined a bulldog you are.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What is going on here? It’s almost midnight.
MoonCat: Meow. We talk.
Doodlebug: Yeah. We are best friends. Friends talk.
Me: At midnight?
Doodlebug: What better time, Lady Human? We don’t get interrupted at midnight…usually.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Trees don’t always hold onto their branches.
Some trees even throw their branches away.
Maybe they just got too heavy to carry.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Stella: Lady Human! Who are those dogs on the Picture Box?
Me: That’s the Westminster Kennel Club Show. I recorded it.
Stella: Do they know that the green they are prancing around on is not real grass.
Me: They probably don’t care.
Stella: Someone will care if they go to the bathroom on it. Somebody’s going to be mad that their green carpet isn’t green anymore. Look! It’s a bulldog. Look! He threw up! Hahahahahahaha! This is a good show!
Me: Stella, that’s not funny. He was trying to make a good impression on the judge.
Stella: He made a good impression on me. He didn’t miss a step. True bulldog. Wait! Judge? There’s a judge? Like judges on the Picture Box who send humans to jail? Are they sending the dogs to jail? Noooo!
Me: Not that kind of judge. This show is a contest.
Stella: Like the Super Bowl?
Me: Sort of, but there is no physical contact. Thank God. I would hate to see how that would turn out.
Stella: Easy. Bulldogs win.
Me: Not necessarily. And there is no prize money at this dog show. The winner gets a ribbon or something and the honor of being named Best of Breed or Best of Show.
Stella: Why is that dog standing on a table? Is that a white-coat human?
Me: A vet? No, that is a judge, and not the jailing type judge. Each breed has set standards and that judge is checking the dog to see how well he meets those standards.
Stella: That’s mean, Lady Human. Comparing dogs based on how we look. We can’t help that, even though that one there is very good looking. I bet humans don’t have contests comparing their looks.
Me: Oh, you’d be surprised…
Stella: Don’t ever put me in one of those show-off shows, Lady Human.
Me: Don’t worry, Stella. I couldn’t if I wanted to.
Stella: What? Why not? Don’t you think I am pretty enough?
Me: It’s not that.
Stella: What? You think that I can’t run around fake green grass in circles like a silly nilly and smile and smile and tilt my head and be all like ‘aren’t I the cutest thing’?
Me: Oh, I know you can do that, especially the silly nilly part.
Stella: Then why?
Me: You are an Olde English Bulldogge.
Stella: I am Queen.
Me: Well, queen or not, ‘Oldies’ are not recognized by the American Kennel Club. Yet. That means you can’t even get into the contest.
Stella: What do you mean ‘not recognized’? LOOK AT ME! I AM THE BULLDOGGIEST BULLDOG EVER! How could they not recognize me?
Me: It’s hard to explain. It has to do with pedigree and bloodlines and paperwork.
Stella: Precisely why humans should not be judging dog shows. Dogs should.
Me: The dog shows are human events.
Stella: Like everything else. Phufff.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and this is an emergency red alert to all humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. My squirrel, better known as Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is missing. If you see this squirrel, ask him why he left and tell him that we miss him…
Me: Wait! What is all this about? Your squirrel?
Stella: Jerky! I haven’t seen him in days!
Me: And you are just now putting out an alert? Your definition of emergency is different from mine.
Stella: I thought he might have gone on vacation.
Me: Do squirrels do that?
Stella: Sure. How would you like to eat the same pecans from the same trees all the time? I know how that feels, same old dog food every day, but back to Jerky. He has not come back. The sidewalks are clean. There are no half-eaten nuts or acorns on the ground. No one has been throwing shells on my head when I go outside.
Me: He hasn’t left.
Stella: What? Are you sure?
Me: Sure.
Stella: Well, where has the little booger been?
Me: He has expanded his territory. He is bringing food in from other places, still using our property as a base. I see him running down the top of our fence almost every morning when I am outside with Miss Sweetie. Usually he has a pecan in his mouth. Oh, and he has a girlfriend.
Stella: But…I thought…he liked me.
Me: He has a squirrel girlfriend. You are a bulldog as you are always reminding me.
Stella: Oh, all right!
Me: And what do you mean you thought he liked you? How many times have you complained about him? How he was throwing nuts on our heads and chucking at us. You were the one who named him ‘Jerky’. Most friends don’t call friends ‘Jerky’.
Stella: I was fond of him so I gave him a cute nickname.
Me: Are you fond of me? I wonder what cute nickname you’ve given me.
Stella: Well, that will just be my little secret. Never mind, humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. Red alert is cancelled. Jerky, my little squirrel nemesis, is still here. Let the games resume.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 