I am… oh, yeah…Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I feel tired.
Stella: I do, too.
Me: I don’t have a right to.
Stella: I always have a right to.
Me: How many hours did you sleep today?
Stella: What’s an hour?
Me: I don’t remember.
Stella: What day is today?
Me: Let me think about that.
Stella: Don’t think for too long. If you do, It’ll be tomorrow and we still won’t know what day it is.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is annoying.
Tiger: She is talking all the time and I still cannot understand what she is saying.
Wiggles: Did you see how she draped herself over your big plastic junk box, Lady Human? What was that about? Was she imitating a blanket? ‘Cause if she was, it was a bad imitation ‘cause she was a lumpy blanket.
Doodlebug: And she’s been hanging out around the kitchen sink. I know because I chased her up there the other day. Who hangs out at a kitchen sink?
Miss Sweetie: Is the kitchen sink full of meat?
Me: Nope.
Miss Sweetie: Oh. Never mind then.
Stella: The cat is weird.
Me: A bulldog is calling another creature ‘weird’?
Stella: Lady Human, you know good and well that there is a difference. This is cat weird which means true weirdness. Bulldogs rule…except in the category of weirdness. That prize goes to cats.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t move, Lady Human. Stay right there, just like that.
Me: I’ve got to GO.
Stella: Go where?
Me: You know. GO.
Stella: To the tiny room?
Me: Yes.
Stella: I must say that this is very inconvenient. I just got comfortable.
Me: For the tenth time. Get re-comfortable when I get back.
Stella: Hurry. You are like a big, fat pillow and not one of those you bring home from those places you call stores.
Me: My pillows are pretty cool, and I choose them with care.
Stella: But you are a better pillow. You are squishy, you are warm, and sometimes you even smell good.
Me: Well, I’m glad. I try to…
Stella: No, not when you use that flowery, stinky spray and candle stuff. Pee-yew! When you’ve been hanging out with me, that’s when you smell good. Keep it up, prop-up pillow.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I know.
Stella: Get up, Lady Human.
Me: I am.
Stella: Good. I have to make my bed.
Me: You don’t need for me to get up to make your own bed. And, by the way, you’ve been doing a good job of that lately. Very neat and orderly. All your blankets spread evenly.
Stella: Thank you. Move along.
Me: I’ll be back in a minute.
Stella: No hurry. Scrunch. Scrunch. Kick. Kick. Scrunch.
Me: Oh, I forgot…what’s going on? What is this?
Stella: It’s my bed. I made it up.
Me: That’s my bed you’ve made up.
Stella: You don’t have to thank me. I made sure it will be ready for tonight.
Me: No, not with my blanket piled in the middle. That’s where I sleep.
Stella: We all need to be flexible, Lady Human.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s wrong with Doodle?
Me: Oh, he’s been scratching a spot on his neck.
Doodlebug: Itchy! Itchy! Itchy!
Me: Hold still while I spray this on it.
Doodlebug: Itchy! Itchy!
Me: Help me help you, boy!
Doodlebug: Oh, all right. Spray your nasty stuff.
Stella: It will feel better even if it is an awful shade of purple.
Me: This works fast. Here goes.
Doodlebug: Eewww! Noooo!
Me: No. Let it dry for a minute. You are slinging it everywhere!
Stella: Look at all those ugly purple spots on the floor. Just like rain drops.
Doodlebug: Uh. That’s better. Nap time.
Me: Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up.
Stella: Oh, I’m not worried about that in the least. Go right ahead.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is acting weird.
Me: Everyone seems to be acting weird. Don’t you think all cats are weird? So is she really acting any weirder than usual?
Stella: Hmmm. The answer is YES! She has been sitting for hours, staring out that window by the loud sloshy machine thing.
Me: Well, it had been sealed up for years until Tall Man opened it up last week. Now there is light, and she can see the world outside – without having to deal with you bulldogs. And it is up high. She likes heights. Don’t you, MoonCat?
MoonCat: Meow.
Stella: Typical. Well, what does she see that is so fascinating?
MoonCat: Meow.
Stella: Lady Human, translation, please.
Me: It’s different. There is not much to see out that way. Grass. A few plants. A fence. It is a novelty for now and the sunlight does come through, but not enough to get hot.
Stella: So, when is it my turn?
Me: Sorry to tell you, girl, but your wide load won’t fit on that narrow space. It was not made for bulldogs.
Stella: Typical.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Wiggles: Whap! Aagghh! Missed another one!
Stella: Score – Flies 3, Wiggles 0.
Me: They are thick today, aren’t they?
Wiggles: Watch me. Wait for it. Wait for it. Snap, snap!
Me: That was great! You’re fast!
Wiggles: It’s all in the jaws. I am a natural.
Me: Stella, I don’t ever see you playing this game.
Stella: That’s because of my fine, delicate features. I am simply not made for such a violent sport.
Wiggles: Snap! Snap! Snap! I am. Try it, Lady Human. You’ve got a big mouth.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you staring at?
Me: Oh, the sky, the trees, the birds flying over…
Stella: Keep your mouth shut. It’s safer when the birds are flying overhead.
Me: Oh, yeah. Good advice.
Stella: Why are you staring?
Me: Sometimes you have to look at bigger things, things that don’t change even when they do.
Stella: Lady Human, I think you have been staring too long. Stare at me.
Me: Okay.
Stella: Isn’t that better?
Me: Now that you mention it…
Stella: I knew I was better looking than a bird.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Come play, Lady Human!
Me: Can’t right now, girl.
Stella: Are you playing with someone else on your typing box?
Me: Not playing, but doing stuff, yes.
Stella: Looks boring.
Me: It is.
Stella: Is this that tense thing you do when the weather turns warm?
Me: Taxes? Yeah.
Stella: If you don’t like doing taxes, as you call them, why do you do them?
Me: Kind of a requirement. Maybe we’ll get some money back this year and yes! We’re getting something back! Yay!
Stella: Yay! We’re getting money back! We’re getting money back! I’m excited now! What does money back mean?
Me: Money means treats. Treats for you all. Maybe even a treat for me.
Stella: Treats! That is wonderful, Lady Human! You should do taxes more often!
Me: Mmmm. Nope.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans wear strange things on their heads, but what Lady Human is wearing on her face is disturbing. We cannot see her nose or mouth. The sides of her face are covered.
Wiggles: Is she smiling or snarling? I can’t tell.
Tiger: Scary!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, does that keep you from talking?
Me: The mask? No, I can talk right through it.
Stella: Oh, too bad.
Miss Sweetie: Lady Human, are you ashamed of your face? Because you look really good in that covering.
Me: I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
Stella: Not.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there is a serious problem.
Me: Yeah, Stella, there usually is. What is it this time?
Stella: There is a weird monster on the patio door. Shhh! Don’t look! He will see you.
Me: That’s an anole lizard. They’re good to have around.
Stella: Since when is it good to have a monster standing on your patio door. Or any door. Or any window. No!!! He is walking on the door! ON THE DOOR! Who does that? A monster, that’s who!
Me: Stella, he is a lizard. And he eats bugs. That’s a great thing! And look! We call them green anoles because whenever they are on or near green stuff, they camouflage themselves to match their backgrounds. But since he is on our gray steel door, he is gray.
Stella: Oh, I thought he was just old. Still, even an old monster walking on your door is a problem.
Me: He is welcome to stay.
Stella: Fine! Invite any ole monster to stay.
Me: If he eats bugs, I will.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bedtime!
Me: I am looking for something.
Stella: Lights out!
Me: This is just a little flashlight. If it bothers you, look away.
Stella: What is so important that you pierce the darkness with your puny little light?
Me: Oh, the book of essays by C.S. Lewis that I was reading, Present Concerns.
Stella: My present concern is that the light is still on. Bedtime!
Me: Just a minute.
Stella: At times like these, I am happy that I can’t read. Do you remember when the big storm turned the lights off for days?
Me: Sure. It was almost a year ago. I read by flashlight then.
Stella: Bad habits form fast.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Look at you, Lady Human! I’m impressed!
Me: I am, too! No, Wiggles! You are not going back there! I’m working on a project that does not include a bulldog.
Wiggles: Out of the way!
Me: Nope!
Wiggles: I’m coming through!
Me: Nope!
Wiggles: I’ll just make this move.
Me: Block.
Wiggles: And now this one.
Me: Block.
Stella: Lady Human, you are amazing. You look like one of those humans that catch baby cattle
Me: Funny fact. That is called ‘bulldogging’.
Stella: What? How dare they steal our name to use on cattle.
Wiggles: Watch out! Here comes my battering bulldog nose.
Me: No, Wiggles. Not right now. Stay in here.
Wiggles: Boring!
Stella: Second that!
Me: When I am finished, then you can come back for a visit.
Wiggles: Too late! I’ve already lost interest.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is saying something that I have never heard her say before.
Me: Dummkopf. MoonCat, how stupid can you be?
Mooncat: Meow. I am just being myself.
Me: When the bulldogs are running in and out, you know how they are. Get in one of your multitude of safe places until they settle down.
Stella: What does it mean? Dummkopf? It sounds nice.
Me: Well…no…
Stella: Lady Human! Did you say a bad word?
Me: Well…sort of…
Stella: For shame, Lady Human! A bad word? Cool! What does it mean? What does it mean?
MoonCat: It means ‘stupid head’.
Me: Since when do you understand German?
MoonCat: I don’t know what you are talking about. By your tone, I figured it couldn’t be good.
Me: Why do you insist on prancing in the middle of the floor when they come roaring in? Do you want them to catch you?
MoonCat: They have only caught me a few times. And I am still here. I have a secret.
Me: Pray tell.
MoonCat: The big, droopy mouth canines and I are friends.
Stella: Nope. No. No. Not true. Don’t listen to her. She’s wrong. Dummkopf. Remember, Lady Human. Dummkopf.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhh! Nobody say anything. Lady Human has something perched on her head. Maybe it will fly away.
Me: How do you like my hat?
Stella: Shhh!
Tiger: I have an opinion.
Stella: Okay, I warned you.
Tiger: Your hat sticks way out over your face. It is weird.
Me: My hat is weird? Or my face is weird?
Stella: Danger! Danger! Danger!
Miss Sweetie: Oh, Lady Human, don’t worry. I love your weird face.
Wiggles: Yes, and the part of the hat that sticks out so far shadows your face and makes it look not so weird.
Me: Okay, this is a baseball cap. The long brim shields my eyes from the sun.
Doodlebug: But I like the sun. It sunbathes me.
Me: You are not wearing a hat.
Doodlebug: If you like, I can knock it off your head and chew it up. Then it will not bother you anymore.
Me: It is not bothering me.
Stella: Why did you put it on? You don’t always wear a weird thing on your head.
Me: Truth be told, I didn’t like the way my hair looked today, so I covered it up.
Stella: Oh, Lady Human, you shouldn’t have worried. Your hair looks bad every day. No hat needed.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, why is your water bowl all the way over there?
Miss Sweetie: Uhhbbb. Mmmm.
Stella: Fess up, Sweetie.
Me: What’s going on? Oh, Sweetie!
Stella: You have to admit it. She’s good.
Me: Why, Sweetie, why?
Miss Sweetie: My poo-poo had to find a new home.
Me: You couldn’t wait for me?
Stella: Do humans wait? No, of course not. You have those fancy hands with long fingers for opening doors to the outside world and stuff.
Miss Sweetie: My poor stubby toes can’t open doors. But I have perfect aim.
Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 