I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…
Me: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Stella: What is your problem, Lady Human?
Me: Off! Off! Off!
Stella: Oh, was my big ole foot stepping on you?
Me: Yes! Right in the big middle of my stomach.
Stella: You know how to keep that from happening?
Me: Not invite you on my bed?
Stella: That would be silly. No, Lady Human, just don’t lay down by my feet. Then my feet won’t be tempted to step on you.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Quiet! Please! Beauty sleep time.
Me: What are you talking about?
Stella: That’s it! Talking! That’s what I’m talking about!
Me: All right. Talk.
Stella: NO! Tonight is not going to be like last night! Talk! Talk! Talk! As though humans have anything worthwhile to say.
Me: That was an oddity. Tall Man came home late, and you woke up and needed to go outside and we started talking…
Stella: And you didn’t stop talking, even after I came back inside. I gave you all the signals. I climbed into bed. I arranged my blankets…
Me: My blankets, actually.
Stella: Not in the mood to debate that, Lady Human. I even bulldog grumbled and you all kept talking and talking and talking…
Me: We had a lot to talk about.
Stella: And talking and talking and…
Me: Okay. I get the picture.
Stella: You have my permission to talk, but only during daylight hours and only when I am awake.
Me: That narrows the field.
Stella: And yes, you may talk in any field as long as I am not asleep in it.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey! What was that?
Tiger: I know.
Stella: Something touched my back leg. What was it?
Tiger: You’re the queen. Why don’t you know?
Wiggles: I saw it, too.
Stella: Who touched my back leg? Lady Human?
Me: Not me.
Stella: Who?
Me: I want to bust out laughing.
Miss Sweetie: It was the cat.
Doodlebug: Yep, it sure was.
Stella: Then why didn’t someone warn me? Nobody barked. You know the rule. Everybody barks whenever the cat does anything.
Tiger: Barking takes effort.
Wiggles: It was too interesting to bark at it.
Miss Sweetie: I barked at the cat earlier. I used up all my cat barking for the day.
Doodlebug: Barking might have stopped it. Nobody wanted that.
Me: Stella, what are you doing? You never touch noses with MoonCat.
Stella: I’m asking the cat about why she sneaked up behind me and touched my leg. Well, explain yourself, cat!
MoonCat: Meow.
Stella: Oh, just typical!
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The trees must be cold.
Miss Sweetie: If they are cold, why are they taking their clothes off?
Doodlebug: Yeah, and why do they throw their clothes on my head?
Me: Leaves.
Tiger: Leaves what?
Me: No, I mean the trees. They are shedding their leaves.
Wiggles: How come? I thought they looked nice. Now their tree arms just look skinny and naked.
Me: It’s that time of year. That’s why we call this season ‘Fall’. And Autumn. We call it that, too.
Stella: Humans make everything complicated. Two names for the same thing. Too wordy.
Me: What would you call this season?
Stella: Cool Windy Cloudy Air Time. See. Isn’t that better?
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: And I am tired, so I am going to turn of this light…
Stella: Wait! What’s that?
Me: What?
Stella: Something is moving on the wall.
Me: It’s too cold for bugs.
Stella: Something bigger than a bug. Someone else is in here. Stop! Who are you?
Me: Stella…
Stella: See how it moves.
Me: Yeah, sort of the way your head is moving.
Stella: Look, two things perked up on top.
Me: Sort of like two ears. Two bulldog ears.
Stella: Why doesn’t it talk back?
Me: It is. That’s the shadow of your head, Stella.
Stella: Shadow?
Me: The light is behind you and casts your shadow on the wall, like an outline of your head. That’s why the thing moves every time you do. Watch what happens when I turn the light off.
Stella: It’s gone! The stranger disappeared! Good job, Lady Human! Don’t worry. I’ll just sit here and guard in case it comes back.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, we’re going to play a game.
Stella: Who? Me? Is there food involved?
Me: All of us, but one at a time. And yes, treats are involved.
Tiger: Game! Game! Game!
Me: Here it is. I’m going to toss a treat onto the patio. All you have to do is go and get it. The catch is that, since the blue norther passed through yesterday, a good number of pecan leaves have fallen. You have to sniff out the treat. Doodlebug, you first. Where is it?
Doodlebug: Mm. There. No. That’s a pecan shell. Mm. HERE!
Me: Good boy! Now, Sweetie, your turn. Where is it?
Miss Sweetie: Here? That smells funny. Treats don’t smell like that.
Stella: Sweetie, that is something nasty that Doodlebug left behind.
Me: Sorry for the distraction. Ignore that.
Miss Sweetie: There it is! Mine!
Wiggles: Me! Me!
Me: Okay, where is it?
Wiggles: I don’t see it.
Me: Work your nose, hun.
Wiggles: What nose?
Me: The one on the front of your face. I know bulldogs don’t have a great reputation as scent hounds, but just try.
Wiggles: Got it!
Tiger: I can do that. Boom! First try! Done!
Me: You’re next, Stella.
Stella: I want to see you do it.
Me: I…it’s not something that I can do. My nose doesn’t work that well…
Stella: I know that. But you said we would ALL play. If you don’t play, NO TREAT FOR YOU!
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Who was in our house? Why was a stranger here?
Me: He’s not a stranger. He’s a friend. He’s been here before. You’ve seen him.
Stella: Why was he here messing with the tiny room in the hall that no one ever uses?
Me: That tiny room is the heater closet. He is a professional heater repair guy. He was checking out our heater to make sure it is okay.
Stella: Why?
Me: When the big oak tree hit the house, it could have shaken the heater up. We needed to make sure that the heater is safe.
Stella: Why?
Me: Because we’re going to have to turn it on.
Stella: Why?
Me: You’ll know when you go out in the morning.
Stella: A secret? Lady Human! What have you planned?
Me: It’s not really a secret and, believe me, I didn’t plan a 42-degree temperature drop, but we will see it by morning.
Stella: One of those days when the water outside turns to stone?
Me: That’s one way of putting it.
Stella: Well, break out my boots, but absolutely no hats of any kind.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Pet me!
Me: I am.
Stella: More!
Me: I am petting you as fast as I can. You don’t have to keep insisting with your paw.
Stella: Keep going.
Me: Put your leg down.
Stella: Okay.
Me: Stella, put your leg down.
Stella: Okay.
Me: Every time I move your leg aside so I can pet you, it springs right back up and pushes my hand down.
Stella: No, it doesn’t.
Me: Yes, it does. Look where it is right now.
Stella: How did it get there?
Me: I figured you were in control of that.
Stella: No, I’m just sitting here. That leg has a mind of its own.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The human puppy has appeared again.
Me: Human, not a puppy, remember? Why do you seem tense?
Stella: I never know what she is going to do next.
Me: For the most part, neither do we.
Stella: I like her. But then she throws something.
Me: Yeah, she’ll outgrow that. She’s a fast learner.
Stella: I don’t want her to outgrow that. I meant that when she throws something, it is usually food, and then I like her even more.
Me: Oh, okay.
Stella: Can you get her to throw some food again? In my direction? And don’t let Wiggles know about it. She always tries to scoop me.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Pardon me while I blow air. Phuuuuh!
Miss Sweetie: Now me! Phhhuuuuhhhh!
Wiggles: You call that air blowing?
Tiger: I won’t even dignify that with an attempt. My air blowing would blow you away.
Doodlebug: Stand back, everybody. Big breath in and now…PHHUUUPHUUUH!
Stella: Lady Human, you try it.
Me: I’m no bulldog as you all are quick to point out.
Stella: Go ahead and try.
Me: I’d be embarrassed to show my weakness in the air blowing department.
Stella: No, go ahead. Do it.
Me: Okay. Here goes. Phuh!!!
Tiger: Well…
Wiggles: At least she tried.
Doodlebug: Did she? Was that a try?
Miss Sweetie: I win over the human!
Stella: Don’t gloat, Sweetie. It’s not her fault. She can’t compete with us for hot air.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hold on! What’s that on the floor?
Me: Oh, we had an accident. No big deal.
Stella: The little human visitor spilled her food!
Me: Yeah, it happens. No biggy.
Stella: Yes! Biggy! What is that? Mixed up eggs? Wonderful! Let me at ‘em!
Me: Well, they aren’t too dirty…
Stella: Who cares about dirt? More flavor. All for me! Restaurant on the floor. Why don’t we do this every day?
Me: Because we don’t spill food on the floor every day. And because this is not a restaurant, remember?
Stella: Mmmmm. The eggs here are wonderful. Still the service leaves much to be desired.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The sun is cold. It isn’t fair. One day the sun is burning hot and then next it is cold. How can any bulldog get a decent sunbath?
Miss Sweetie: I like it. My skin tingles.
Wiggles: It takes longer when the sun is cold. But when the sun is on fire, it is harder to breathe.
Me: The sun is always on fire.
Stella: Ignore her. She does not know what she is talking about.
Tiger: Oh, Lady Human, is that one of your jokes?
Doodlebug: I like your jokes. The sun is always on fire. That’s funny.
Me: It is. It is a burning ball of gases.
Stella: Humans make up the silliest things. The sun is on fire, but the air is cold. The sun is on fire, so the air is hot. Make up your mind, please. Meanwhile, cold sunbathing for everyone.
Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 