Emergency Food Run – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have just seen a terrible sight. The food bucket is empty.

Tiger:  Well, that happens, but the big metal food bucket still has food in it, right?

Wiggles:  Please say yes. Please say yes.

Stella:  No.

Doodlebug:  But Lady Human always has food up her sleeves. Right?

Tiger:  What do you think she is? A big metal can of food?

Miss Sweetie:  Lady Human will take care of it. Right?

Me:  I’m on my way now. Got to get there before they close. Two big fifty pound bags of dog food on the way.

Stella:  What if they don’t have it? What if they ran out?

Me:  There will always be an alternative. Don’t worry. Got to go.

Stella:  What does ‘alternative’ mean?

Me:  I’ll find some cans of soft food to tie us over. Or some dry food that will do for a while.

Stella:  Don’t worry, Lady Human. Bring as much soft food as you can. We will tough it through.

Me:  Okay, I’m on my way.

Stella:  Phew! That was a close one. Let’s all hope they are out of the regular stuff. Soft food. Tough it through? We will be living high on the hog.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Happy 6th Birthday, Wiggles! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:  Happy Birthday, Wiggles! Number 6!

Stella:  Why wasn’t I informed of this?

Me:  You don’t keep a calendar and I didn’t think it was necessary…

Stella:  Not necessary to wish one of my kingdom members a special birthday greeting?

Me:  Well, okay. Go ahead then.

Stella:  Go ahead what?

Miss Sweetie:  Is it my birthday?

Me:  No, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Why not?

Me:  These things happen on a schedule.

Doodlebug:  What do we get for Wiggles’ birthday?

Tiger:  Is there a cake? Humans always have cake for these things.

Me:  No, no cake, but something I think you will all like. Turkey meat!

Wiggles:  Me! Me! Me!

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Me:  Yes, and since it is your birthday, you get a double portion.

Tiger:  Double portion? What does that mean?

Stella:  I think it means that the rest of us are getting cheated.

Me:  Happy 6th, Wiggles!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Humans Are Hard to Get Along With – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans think that they are all that and a bag of treats, too.

Me:  What have we done…or not done now?

Stella:  Oh, where, oh where to begin. I know. Lunch today.

Me:  What was wrong with lunch today?

Stella:  The clocks in our bellies all say that it was late. LATE!

Me:  I can’t always be here precisely at lunchtime. But I get back as soon as I can.

Stella:  Our belly clocks do not lie, Lady Human.

Me:  Okay, other than late lunch, what have we done wrong?

Stella:  Supper was early.

Me:  Since when is an early meal a problem?

Stella:  Since it confuses our belly clocks. Then we start expecting supper early and then supper goes back to the regular time and everything is confused.

Me:  Can’t we have a little flexibility in our schedule?

Stella:  That depends.

Me:  On what?

Stella:  On our belly clocks.

Me:  Well, that throws flexibility out the door.

Stella:  Good, I never liked that flexibility guy anyway.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Yuck! What Did You Put in My Food? – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something in my bowl smells funny. What have you done, Lady Human?

Me:  I just added a little…something healthy.

Stella:  Eewww! Pee-you stinko!! Did you just mess up my food with it?

Me:  No, I gave some to the others. Smell their breath.

Stella:  Eewww! Pee-you stinko!! No way! I wanted to make sure you were fairly distributing the nasty in our food and I was not the only one so blessed. What is it?

Me:  You’ve had it before.

Stella:  It stank badly then, too, I take it.

Me:  You didn’t seem to mind.

Stella:  My tastes are more refined now.

Me:  It’s apple cider vinegar. It’s good for…

Stella:  I LOVE IT! Wow! It’s got a snap to it! Where has this been all my life?

Me:  I’m glad you approve.

Stella:  Sneaking stuff into my food? I don’t approve. Next time let me see the label first.

Me:  You can’t read.

Stella:  That’s never stopped me from memorizing a treat before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Humans Don’t Know How to Bark – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhh! You’ll wake her up!

Tiger:  What is wrong with her? We are the only ones allowed to sleep all day. And all night.

Wiggles:  She sounds all raspy, like bulldogs clearing our throats.

Doodlebug:  Oh, big deal!

Miss Sweetie:  She is trying to bark. She’s just not any good at it.

Me:  No, not barking…Coughing.

Stella:  Fake barking then.

Me:  No.

Miss Sweetie:  She’s hacking. She is a bulldog. That’s great hacking, Lady Human, almost as good as mine.

Me:  No. Flu. Or a chest cold. Not a bulldog.

Tiger:  Why are you doing flu?

Me:  Didn’t want to. Tall Man caught it from somebody, and he brought it home.

Wiggles:  Can we have some? What he brings home is usually pretty good.

Me:  No, at least you can’t catch this. This is for humans only.

Doodlebug:  That’s kind of selfish.

Me:  You wouldn’t think so if you had it. But I’m getting better.

Stella:  Well, not at barking you’re not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Free Speech for Dogs! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There! I said it! I will say it again! I am Stella, Queen…

Tiger:  I’ve heard that before and I don’t want to hear it again, so shut it!

Stella:  I don’t have to shut it! I can say anything and everything I want to!

Wiggles:  Not if I said it first!  Wait! What am I saying?

Doodlebug:  I don’t know. I was asleep when you all started yelling. Can I just go ahead and sleep through all this?

Miss Sweetie:  I want to say something. I have free speech, too. Now what should I say?

Me:  Free speech does not mean saying anything and everything you want.

Stella:  Oh, my turn, my turn, my turn! Yes, it does, Lady Human. It is speech and it is free.

Me:  No, a lie is not protected speech.

Stella:  Not my problem. Bulldogs never lie!

Tiger:  Hah! Caught you, Miss Self-Proclaimed Queen! You made that whole thing up! Just because you say it doesn’t make it so!

Stella:  LALALALALA!

Me:  Stella, being louder than everybody else isn’t the definition of free speech either.

Stella:  IT IS IF YOU’RE THE QUEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Baritone Bulldog – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, Doodle! Stop rattling the walls!

Doodlebug:  Boom! BOOM! GrrrrRRRR! DOUBLE BOOM!

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Me:  You have an impressive voice. Can you use it a little less right now?

Doodlebug:  I am singing the song of my people.

Me:  Is that what it is?

Stella:  Why is his voice so big and low and mine is so high and… puny?

Me:  Your voice isn’t puny or that high, girl. It’s your voice. Your vocal cords are strung differently from Doodlebug’s. It works that way with humans, too. Some have high voices, some have low voices, and everything in between. Doodle is probably a baritone.

Stella:  What if I talk deep down like this? Am I a baritone now?

Me:  Just be yourself.

Stella:  OOO! Waaah-OOOOOO!

Me:  But maybe not so much of yourself right this minute.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weird Is As Weird Does – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been acting weird lately. As in forever. As in a thousand years. Or for the last thirty seconds, whichever is longer.

Me:  Stella, your time skills have not improved. And calling me ‘weird’ is rude.

Stella:  Weird is as weird does.

Me:  I’ve just been moving stuff around…

Stella:  Yeah, like the big scary one-eyed Picture Box now In my beloved room.

Me:  Well, my room, to be honest. And the internet has been out so that has cramped my style.

Stella:  Yes, but that has meant more face to face time with your favorite bulldogs. And you have been playing music on your little black box again.

Me:  Yeah, I got distracted for a while and got away from that, didn’t I?

Stella:  I like the music. Humans may be weird, but some of your weirdness sounds really nice. Now if we could just get rid of that big scary Picture Box in my bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Too Gripey, Even For Bulldogs – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It’s too dark in here. Hummph!

Tiger:  No, it’s too bright. Turn off some lights, Lady Human. I want to nap before I go to sleep.

Wiggles:  Please turn off that fan. It is too cold. Look at me, all curled up like a bulldog ball.

Doodlebug:  I’m hungry. When do we eat? Again?

Miss Sweetie:  Huh? What’s going on? Oh, no! What is that? A trash bag? What is it doing in here? Let me at it!

Me:  Attention! May I have your attention, please?

Stella:  No.

Tiger:  I don’t think so.

Wiggles:  Absolutely not until you turn that fan off.

Doodlebug:  You have my attention any time you have food in your hand.

Miss Sweetie:  What is attention? Do I have any?

Me:  No more moaning, barking, yapping. This gripe session of the bulldog realm is officially over.

Tiger:  I don’t think so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Moving Pictures – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This can’t be right. Something is different. Different and scary.

Me:  All that has happened is that I have moved the Picture Box out of the den and into my room.

Stella:  It doesn’t look the same. It looks big and blank and frightening. Where are the happy moving pictures I have come to love?

Me:  They will be there as soon as I set it up and turn it on like…this.

Stella:  No. No. No. No, thank you. I will just sit in my special bed crate. That way I can hide, and it won’t jump over here and eat me.

Me:  It’s just the same old Picture Box, Stella. Only now it is in here and not in there.

Stella:  What was wrong with your little black box that you always carry in your hand? That had moving pictures and it wasn’t scary.

Me:  I still have that.

Stella:  Why can’t you be satisfied with the way things were? Why must you change them to make them scarier? And what will the others watch now that you’ve taken away their Picture Box?

Me:  You are the only bulldog in the house that pays any attention to the television. They won’t miss it.

Stella:  I still don’t like it. Look! It’s staring at me with its great big eye.

Me:  That’s the screen.

Stella: Tell it to blink like a normal Picture Box. Now I’m going to have to stand guard all night.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

How Do I Get to Be Queen? – Conversations with Stella and Tiger

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Tiger:  Stop right there! I never agreed to that. You just go around saying it as though it is true.

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Stella:  It is true. I said it a long time ago and no other queens showed up so it’s true. So there!

Tiger:  Lady Human, I want to be queen! Please, please, please!

Me:  Oh, no! You are not dragging me into an internal bulldog political issue. I’ll just stand on the sidelines, thank you very much.

Tiger:  But she is so annoying. Always prissing around. Do you see how she stands in the middle of the room and won’t go out until you scratch her and pat her rear end three times?

Me:  Yes, I’m the one she expects that from. I don’t even remember how that got started.

Stella; You can’t be queen, Tiger. You don’t get along with Wiggles or me. You only get along with Moon Cat and there is something very wrong about that picture, if you ask me.

Me:  Oh, look at the time. Politics have ended for the day.

Stella:  Really.

Tiger:  Okay, I guess. Do humans end politics at this time of day?

Me:  The smart ones do.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.