I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. DOODLEBUG. Or Doodle. Or Good Boy. Or Your Majesty. NOT “Hey!” That is for horses and goats.
Sweetie: And “Hey!” is not my name either. I answer to Sweetie, or Good Girl, or Suppertime, and that’s it.
MoonCat: Meow. And there’s no sense in calling me at all. I’LL CALL YOU!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What are you staring at, Doodle?
Doodlebug: I am not staring.
Sweetie: Them eyes of yours are set in a fightin’ mode!
Me: Settle down, both of you. I think Doodlebug is just gazing in your direction. A gaze is not a stare.
Sweetie: When eyeballs are set on me, how am I supposed to tell the difference?
Me: A gaze is softer than a stare. Like the way you’re both looking at me now.
MoonCat: Meow. None of y’all know anything about a stare. Now THIS is a stare!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, something stinks.
MoonCat: Meow! And I know exactly what it is. And who.
Me: Yes. I do, too. Get up, Sweetie. Your whole sleeping space is going to have to be deep cleaned.
Doodlebug: Yes, Sweetie. PLEASE!
Sweetie: Why me? I’m comfortable, except for the stink.
Me: If you were a horse, I might call this mucking out your stall, so move over here while I…
Sweetie: But it’s the way I like it, except for the stink.
Me: Well, smells can accumulate. Between the potty accident the other day which I cleaned up but which left lingering reminders and the spilled water and the spilled food and the tracked in dirt and mud from outside and…
Sweetie: Muck out somebody else’s stall and leave me alone and happy…except for the stink.
Copyright 2023 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is lunch?
Me: Patience! Patience! Patience is a virtue.
Sweetie: Well, you don’t seem to have any so you should go buy some. NOW!
Me: OK, that’s what I’m talking about. Not everything needs to be hurried along or done right this instant.
MoonCat: Why not?
Doodlebug: We are a patient pack, Lady Human. When you are late with our lunch, we don’t eat yours, do we?
Me: I’m just getting some things off my list today. Next is grocery shopping.
Sweetie: Great! Be sure and buy enough patience for all of us to have some. Especially you.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Cats invented lounging. Nobody else does it quite as well.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
MoonCat: Meow! Lady Human, someone…let me be plain…A BULLDOG HAS BEEN TASTING MY WATER!
Sweetie: Lady Human, let me be plain, the cat does it to us all the time.
Me: There is water all over the floor.
Sweetie: My face doesn’t exactly fit into a cat’s water bowl, so that’s to be expected. Why is it okay for her to do it when we are outside?
MoonCat: Because my face is small and I never spill a drop, said no bulldog ever.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. ALERT! ALERT!
Sweetie: DOUBLE ALERT!
Me: What in the world is going on?
Doodlebug: Tall Man is fighting with the mop for control of the floor!
Sweetie: The mop is winning!
Doodlebug: He needs reinforcements.
Me: Y’all settle down. Too much barking over too little.
Sweetie: Wait. How did you know it was us barking?
Me: Cats don’t bark.
Doodlebug: Humans do. How did you know it wasn’t Tall Man? It could have been.
Sweetie: Naw. Different accent.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the cat is being her weird self again.
MoonCat: Meow. How can a bulldog call a cat weird?
Me: What’s going on?
Doodlebug: MoonCat is going around and taking sips from our water bowls.
Sweetie: Yeah. Thoroughly unsanitary.
Me: Well, I guess a bulldog would know about unsanitary. MoonCat, is something wrong with your own water?
MoonCat: No. I just like to sample other bowls. Don’t humans do that?
Me: Well, yes. In fact, in some restaurants, they have a wine expert called a sommelier who will sample a bottle of wine first for the guests to make sure it’s good.
Sweetie: I wouldn’t mind doing that job.
Me: Sorry, girl, no wine for dogs. Not good for you.
Sweetie: Oh, but a cat can stick her cat tongue in my bulldog water and that’s okay? Wait and see how you like it.
Me: What do you mean?
Doodlebug: Nothing. But if I were you, I wouldn’t leave anything you’ve been drinking out of within cat reach.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bullgogges. Lady Human! Oh. Lady Human!
Me: Do you all know what time it is?
Sweetie: Don’t know. Don’t care. Time to get up, Lazybones.
Me: Get up? It’s still dark outside!
MoonCat: Best time of day.
Me: Did you get this party started?
Doodlebug: No, I did. She just suggested it.
Sweetie: Hey, Lady Human, this is an early breakfast call. Just give us the grub so we can get back to bed. What you do with your time then is your business.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Quick! Quick! Hurry! Hurry! Hungry! Hungry!
Me: This food bag is heavy and I have to move with baby steps so I don’t fall over or pull a muscle.
Doodlebug: We call what you are doing ‘puppy steps’. Let’s speak clearly, ma’am.
Me: Okay, puppy steps then. My point is that we all go at our own pace.
Sweetie: If you would just get two more legs like we have, you could puppy step faster.
Me: Sorry. That’s not going to happen. The Great Creator gave y’all four each, not me.
MoonCat: I have the most talented four feet in the whole house. When I walk, it’s called “pussyfooting”. The best of all worlds.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where’s my snack?
Me: You ate it.
Sweetie: That was then. This is now.
MoonCat: And my water needs to be changed. It’s stale.
Me: It was changed 20 minutes ago.
MoonCat: Yes, that’s what I mean.
Me: I don’t even change my own water more often than every 20 minutes.
MoonCat: That is you. This is me.
Doodlebug: Lady Human!
Me: Yes?
Doodlebug: Nothing. Just making sure you were listening.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Does that mean you are in charge around here? Because this place is very poorly run.
Doodlebug: Don’t blame me. I’m just the King.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t drag me into this.
Sweetie: Lady Human, no one seems to be in charge, so now I am taking over.
Me: Uh, I don’t think so.
Sweetie: Don’t worry. You can still stay here. I won’t rehome you.
Me: Oh, thank you so much.
Doodlebug: That tone of voice in humans means she is making fun.
Me: Being in charge is not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s cleaning and buying food and cleaning and grooming and more cleaning…
Sweetie: On second thought, I am appointing you to do all that stuff, Lady Human. I hereby declare naptime. It’s great being charge!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I am Sweetie. ‘Nough said.
MoonCat: Meow.
Me: You are probably wondering why I have called you all here today.
Doodlebug: No, not really.
Sweetie: Don’t care.
MoonCat: Meow. Because we all live here anyway?
Me: There is mess in the kitchen.
Doodlebug: Oooo, good! Let me at it.
Sweetie: A mess in the kitchen. So what else is new?
MonnCat: Meow. Nobody saw me do it.
Me: Noses need to stay out of the trash bag.
Sweetie: Uhb, trash bags should not be nose high then.
Me: There are nasty things in the trash that are not good for you to eat. We’ve gone over this before.
Doodlebug: Then how come nasty things smell so delicious?
MoonCat: And how come tunafish live in the trash?
Me: They don’t.
Sweetie: No, they don’t. Chickens do.
Me: No, that’s not true either.
Doodlebug: Nobody worry about what is living in the trash. I’ll just keep checking. My nose is on it
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Oh, I wish y’all could hand me that dealywhopper over there. I can’t quite reach it.
Sweetie: What’s a dealywhopper? Can I eat it?
Me: It’s that…thing there.
MoonCat: Meow. Is it tunafish? I’ll get it if it’s tunafish.
Me: No, it’s that thingamajig on the floor over there.
Doodlebug: What is she talking about?
Sweetie: A dealywhopper. It’s important, but you can’t eat it.
Doodlebug: It must not really be all that important then.
MoonCat: It’s not tunafish so…never mind.
Sweetie: Why doesn’t she just say what it is?
Doodlebug: She did. It’s a dealywhopper.
Sweetie: Must be some new human invention. Have you noticed how humans are always coming up with new stuff and new things to call the stuff? They are so weird.
Doodlebug: Yes, I have noticed that.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s that on the floor? Let me eat it.
Me: NO!
Sweetie: How come? It smells delicious. Like one of your meals.
Me: No, it is not delicious. It is cat throw up. MoonCat’s delicate stomach acted up.
MoonCat: Meow. Tummy ache. Tunafish makes it all right.
Doodlebug: Why can’t we have nice treats? The cat doesn’t mind.
Me: Cat vomit is NOT, I repeat, NOT a nice treat. But why am I surprised? The Bible even says that a dog returns to its own vomit.
Sweetie: But that’s not ours. We are returning to MoonCat’s vomit. If I threw up, I would share with her.
MoonCat: Meow.
Me: Everybody just stay back while I clean this up.
Doodlebug: You see, I told you. We never get nice treats.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Teatime!
Sweetie: Nope. My stomach says it’s much too early.
MoonCat: Meow. I’ll take mine now, please.
Sweetie: Teatime is Teatime and Teatime is not now.
Me: I’m sorry, but I have a prior engagement at regular Teatime so it will have to be now.
Doodlebug: Fine with me! As long as there’s food involved, I’m all in.
MoonCat: Meow. Me, too. Make mine tunafish.
Doodlebug: Hey, early is better than late.
Sweetie: This is most irregular.
Me: Well, if you want to skip yours…
Sweetie: What? NO! I only said this was irregular. I did not say that I am insane.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Me: The barking is deafening. What’s going on? Stella?
Stella: Huh?
Me: The whole pack just erupted in barking and I can’t tell why. So… why?
Stella: I don’t know. Whatever.
Me: Excuse me, but where is the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges?
Tiger: Right here. Ready to take over.
Me: It was a rhetorical question, Tiger.
Tiger: Still ready, willing, and able, ma’am.
Me: Maybe you can tell me what caused the outburst just now.
Miss Sweetie: I can! I can! Me! Me! Me!
Me: You caused it, or you know why, Sweetie.
Miss Sweetie: Both. Wait. What was the question?
Doodlebug: You started barking because of the cat.
Wiggles: No, I started barking because of the cat.
Me: Stella, why did everyone start barking at the cat? She was sitting on top of the big chair, minding her own business.
Stella: I don’t know.
Me: Why not?
Stella: I was watching the Picture Box. That show with big waves and humans turning around fast was on. I love that show!
Me: But you are the Queen. I count on you to let me know what’s going on.
Stella: Oh, all right. I did hear the cat. She was hacking up one of those yucky globs of goo and hair, and the others thought it was a big deal.
Me: Moon was hacking up a hairball? That’s what started all the barking?
Stella: Yeah, it’s a pretty ugly noise, but not enough to interrupt a good Picture Box show.
Me: But you are the Queen.
Stella: Even the Queen needs a day off now and then.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. By my authority as Queen, I hereby bestow on our feline, Moon the Cat, a new name.
Me: “Our feline”? I thought you had eternal enmity for cats. A new name? There are so many things wrong with this picture., I don’t know where to begin.
Stella: Then let me begin. Our cat shall henceforth and forever be known to all as “MOONCAT”. After all, she is the color of the moon in the sky, all dark gray and light gray and medium gray.
Me: No more Moon the Cat? She’s been called that since she’s been with us, many years before you came.
Stella: Just because someone has been called a name for a long time does not mean that they have to be stuck with it.
Me: Doesn’t Moon the Cat have a say-so in this?
Stella: I will inform her of the change later. Mooncat will not object. Consider it, Lady Human. Would you like to be called, “Lady THE Human”?
Me: No.
Stella: You see?
Me: Since neither Lady nor Human are part of my name.
Stella: Then why do I call you that?
Me: It’s just a thing between you and me. Let me ask you this. Would you like to be called “Stelladog”?
Stella: Of course not. How silly! If I were to be called anything other than Queen Stella or Your Majesty, it would be STELLABULLDOG. I hope I have made that perfectly clear.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is a crappy Saturday. Here are the reasons why:
There! My list is complete. The End.
Me: Hello. I have a few reasons why this Saturday is not crappy at all.
Stella: Rude to a cat? Impossible! And as for Toenail Trimming Day, why don’t you try it sometime, Lady Human? You let someone cut your nails and tell me how you feel then.
Me: I have to trim my fingernails all the time. If I don’t, they interfere with my work. And I certainly don’t whine about it the way you all do.
Stella: Whine? Whine, you say? No bulldog has ever been known to whine in the history of…well…bulldogs. Dignified complainers. That’s what we are. And please see to it that Sunday turns out to be less crappy than Saturday has been.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Complaint!
Me: I’ll bet I know what it is, too. From the look on your face and the pffft sound from your mouth.
Stella: Why, oh why?
Me: Why is the cat on my lap?
Stella: No. My question is why is the cat on your lap all the time?
Me: I think she wants some extra comfort, companionship.
Stella: She can get that from across the room like normal.
Me: She’s not feeling normal just now.
Stella: She didn’t do that before Snoopey…oh.
Me: For whatever reason, she and Snoopey were best friends.
Stella: Well, that’s simply weird. Weird of Snoopey and weird of the cat. I never did understand that. Think about it. Cat. Self-explanatory. That says it all. And then bulldog. Everybody knows what that means. And one thing it doesn’t mean is friendship with cats.
Me: And still, there it was. Who else did Snoopey ever allow into her crate with her?
Stella: That’s easy. Nobody, because nobody else would fit in there with her. We are all bulldogs, remember?
Me: I never forget. Okay, who else other than the cat did Snoopey ever have a full-blown conversation with?
Stella: You.
Me: Yeah. That’s true. Not that we understood each other well, but we did talk. A lot.
Stella: So you don’t mind that Moon the Cat is climbing onto your lap all the time. It’s fine with you.
Me: It’s all right. I understand why.
Stella: It’s not all right with me! It’s really ticking me off!
Me: Maybe you could consider becoming her new best friend.
Stella: Lady Human! I’m surprised at you! What ugly talk! I just want things to go back to normal, when bulldogs were bulldogs and Moon the Cat was her old arrogant, stand-offish, snooty self.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 