Month: March 2019

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is singing again. I am trying not to listen. Humans do not know how to sing.

Me:  What’s all the grumbling about? Are you complaining about my singing again?

Stella:  I always complain about your singing. It hurts my ears.

Me:  I like this old song. We sang it at church when I was little.

Stella:  So, it’s a puppy song. That’s even worse. Puppies don’t know how to sing either.

Me:  No, it’s not just a puppy…okay, I was never a puppy, remember. Not just children sang it. Everybody sang it. “We shall not be, we shall not be moved, just like a tree that’s planted…”

Stella:  Humans singing that they are like trees. Trees – like the ones standing outside, the ones dogs and squirrels use the bathroom on.

Me:  Well, I don’t think of trees like that. For the most part. I enjoyed the words because they had a strong message and the melody had a strong beat. In fact, it kind of reminds me of you all.

Stella:  Wait. We…shall…not…be…moved. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You can’t move us when we don’t want to be moved! I’ve seen you try.

Me:  Be honest now. Who ultimately wins those battles?

Stella:  Honestly, we do. Think of how much time and effort you have to put into moving us when we want to stay put.

Me:  Yes, but in the final analysis…

Stella:  I don’t know what analysis is, but I do think you were singing the perfect Bulldog Theme Song. Thank you, Lady Human. You can forget about all that tree stuff. I’m not going to stand still long enough for anybody to pee on me, but the rest of it works just fine.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Everyone should know by now. Don’t tell us what to do.

Me:  Sorry, I’m obligated to.

Wiggles:  But why? We know what to do without being told.

Doodlebug:  Yes, just like humans do.

Me:  Well, that’s highly debatable.

Miss Sweetie:  Nobody tells you what to do, Lady Human.

Me:  Not exactly.

Tiger:  You don’t ever listen to us. When we tell you to do something, you pay no never mind.

Me:  That’s right.

Stella:  So, if you work things out on your own terms, so should we live on our own terms. Come on everybody! Shout it! Our own terms! Our own terms! Our own terms!

Me:  Ow! That hurts my ears! Cut it out!

Stella:  It hurts my ears, too.

Me:  Why are you doing it then?

Stella:  It is required.

Me:  I’ll bet it’s really not.

Stella:  I thought I had already explained this adequately, Lady Human. Bulldog.

Me:  That excuse is wearing a little thin.

Stella:  Thank you. I have been losing a little weight.

Me:  Different type of thin.

Stella:  The white-coat lady told me to lose some. She will be happy the next time I see her.

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There are many pillows. I have three myself, but the best one by far is Lady Human.

Me:  Aw, that’s a nice compliment, I guess. Or are you just saying that I am overstuffed.

Stella:  I love propping my big ole bulldog head on you. Soft. Exactly the right height. Plenty of wiggle room. Which reminds me – Wiggles always rests her head on your leg every afternoon, so she agrees with me.

Me:  Well, thank you, sort of.

Stella:  You should put yourself on the Picture Box like those humans who sell pillows.

Me:  I think that would not be a good idea. I mean, I’m not really a pillow.

Stella:  Oh, I see. I would lose my pillow, the best pillow ever. Who else has a pillow that stays warm on cold nights and is as long as the bed; that changes its own position, so nothing ever gets boring; that is all mine all night every night, so I don’t have to share? All this pillow talk has made me sleepy. Come on, Lady Human. Bedtime. I need my pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Go ahead, Wiggles. Do what Lady Human says.

Wiggles:  Nope.

Me:  Go inside.

Wiggles:  Nope.

Me:  Go inside now.

Stella:  Do it, Wiggles.

Wiggles:  Nope.

Stella:  Why not?

Wiggles:  No reason.

Me:  Yeah, there is a reason.

Wiggles:  Yep, there is.

Me:  Go ahead and admit it.

Wiggles:  Bulldog.

Me:  That’s what I thought. Go on inside. Bulldog or not, you are not going to win this.

Wiggles:  Can’t do it.

Stella:  Why not?

Wiggles:  Bulldog.

Stella:  I am a bulldog, too, but I am not stupid. When Lady Human says to go inside, there is a reason, so I go inside.

Wiggles:  Wish I could, but I can’t.

Stella:  Why not?

Wiggles:  Bulldog.

Stella:  Aaagggghhh! Lady Human, I am beginning to feel your pain.

Me:  Told you so. I guarantee that I shall win this battle of wills. You may as well give up now, Wiggles. Go inside. Help me out.

Wiggles:  I really would like to, ma’am.

Me:  So, do it.

Wiggles:  I can’t.

Me:  Why can’t you?

Wiggles:  There’s only one answer to that question.

Me:  Which is?

Wiggles:  Bulldog.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Make it stop!

Me:  Oh, no. It’s way too early. Bulldog moaning. Why? Why me?

Stella:   Why you? Why me? Make it stop. Please.

Me:  Okay. Come on with me.

Stella:  No, I’ll just stay here, thank you.

Me:  Who’s moaning? All right. Be honest. Tiger?

Tiger:  Un-uh.

Me:  Doodle?

Doodlebug:  Huh? What?

Me:  No, I guess it wasn’t you. Sweetie, are you moaning?

Miss Sweetie: (snore)

Me:  Never mind. So that leaves…

Wiggles:  Roh-rawr-wahr. Ahrrrr.

Stella:  Lady Human, make it stop!

Me:  What are you moaning about, girl? It’s way too early for breakfast. It’s still dark.

Wiggles:  It’s moaning time.

Me:  Do you need to go outside?

Wiggles:  No, it’s dark outside. Wahr-roh-rawr.

Me:  It’s dark in here, too. It’s dark everywhere around this part of the planet.

Wiggles:  Where is the big light in the sky? It’s running late.

Me:  No, it’s just not over us yet. What’s wrong, girl?

Wiggles:  I’m sad. It’s dark. I’m all alone.

Me:  You are far from alone. It won’t be dark for long. And as for sad, remember this. Breakfast is coming.

Wiggles:  Oh, yeah. Hey, how about having breakfast now?

Me:  Nope.

Wiggles:  Okay. Rawr-roh-rawr.

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a dignified animal, except when I am scratching my rear end on the patio, but I will not talk about that here.

Wiggles:  I will. Stella scratches her rear end on the patio.

Stella:  Hush your mouth!

Wiggles:  As a matter of fact, I am celebrating the arrival of spring, as Lady Human calls it, by using the hard patio as a back rub. Mmmm, feels so good. Dry and warm.

Me:  That’s great! Wiggles is wiggling on her back on the concrete!

Wiggles:  Hey, I wiggles standing up and I wiggles walking around and I wiggles on my back. That’s why everybody calls me ‘Wiggles’. Yay me!

Stella:  Stop it! You look ridiculous!

Wiggles:  Maybe. Maybe. But my back feels good.

Stella:  Make her stop, Lady Human.

Me:  She’s not doing anything wrong. It won’t hurt her.

Stella:  No, but just watching her is making me feel itchy all over. Especially my rear end which…I must…scratch on the concrete now.

Wiggles:  This concrete is great. Who invented this stuff? Must have been an itchy bulldog.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The wonderful smell of cooked eggs washes over us from the kitchen. Our chicken friends have been generous once again.

Me:  Some of these are set aside for deviled eggs. You may each have one egg, except for Sweetie. The egg whites disagree with her. She can have one yolk.

Tiger:  I want the devil stuff you are making.

Me:  It’s not devil stuff.

Wiggles:  Isn’t the devil bad?

Me:  Yes. But the devil has nothing to do with this dish.

Doodlebug:  Then why name it after him?

Me:  I guess because of the spices and the mustard that make them taste a little hot.

Miss Sweetie:  Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

Me:  Let me see what I have leftover.

Wiggles:  Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

Me:  Okay I can’t peel them that fast.

Tiger:  I want eggs! I no longer want the devil’s food!

Me:  No food is the devil’s food…unless maybe you eat too much of something. That can feel really bad. That’s why you are each getting just one egg.

Stella:  Why did the devil invent eggs?

Me:  THE DEVIL DID NOT INVENT EGGS OR ANYTHING ELSE!

Stella:  Well, Doodlebug is passing very stinky gas and I think that the devil invented that.

Doodlebug:  That’s what I think, too.

Me:  It is tempting to think that. But no…

Stella:  Lady Human, forget the devil part. Just stick with eggs. Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The fluffy, puffy chickens are happy. The sun is shining. The weather is dry. They are singing.

Me:  If you can call chicken squawking singing. I prefer the songbirds overhead. Their songs are prettier.

Wiggles:  But the tree birds aren’t our friends.

Me:  They are my friends. They add melody and color to my day.

Miss Sweetie:  But they don’t drop food on us.

Tiger:  Yeah, they don’t share.

Doodlebug:  Stingy. They keep all their food to themselves.

Me:  They probably have babies to feed.

Stella:  What about us?

Me:  They aren’t obligated to feed bulldogs.

Wiggles:  I like our fluffy, puffy birds. They are generous.

Me:  With what all I feed them, they can afford to be.

Miss Sweetie:  When we visit them, they kick extra food out to us.

Me:  I wish they wouldn’t. I’m not sure how good that is for you.

Stella:  They are just being nice. They are our friends. Not like the selfish squirrels. They don’t throw us extra food. They just throw rotten nuts on our heads.

Wiggles:  I love our chicken friends.

Me:  Yeah, they are your friends as long as you stay outside their run.

Stella:  Lady Human, whatever do you mean?

Me:  I mean like the day a chicken got loose and Snoopey chased her all over the yard until we could corral both of them.

Stella:  Snoopey was a good chaser.

Me:  And you wouldn’t do the same?

Stella:  It would be tempting. But I would restrain myself if you didn’t want me to, Lady Human.

Me:  Really?

Stella:  Well, I would try. Temptations are powerful hard things to resist.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Run! Hide! No! Attack! The Yellow Head Eater is back! It is all over Lady Human’s head! She is doomed!

Me:  What? No, this is just my towel.

Doodlebug:  I’ll grab it! Jump!

Me:  No! Doodle! Stop it! No!

Doodlebug:  I’ve got it! I’ll stomp it into the ground.

Me:  Oh, good night, Irene!

Miss Sweetie:  It’s not bedtime yet. And who is Irene?

Me:  That’s just an old expression my mama and grandma used to avoid real cussing. Doodlebug! Let go of my towel!

Tiger:  Doodlebug saved you, Lady Human. That yellow monster was eating your head.

Me:  We’ve gone through this before. This is why we can’t have nice things.  I can’t leave the bathroom with a towel around my wet hair. It is not a monster. You have seen towels before, lots of times.

Wiggles:  But they do not usually try to eat your head.

Me:  Just when I think that you understand what I am doing…

Stella:  Let me explain it to them, Lady Human. Hey, everybody, humans do weird things. If Lady Human walks around with a scary thing wrapped around her head, if she is not screaming and yelling, leave her alone.

Wiggles:  But what if she…

Stella:  Nope.

Doodlebug:  But what if it…

Stella:  Nope.

Miss Sweetie:  Why can’t we grab…

Stella:  Nope.

Tiger:  Then there is nothing we can do.

Stella:  Nope. They are humans. We have to let them be stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I can’t sleep. The wind is roaring. The rain is pouring. And now there is no light. Lady Human, what happened to the light?

Me:  The sun’s not up yet. That’s why it’s still dark.

Stella:  No, I mean what happened to the other light, your light? The darkness is darker without that.

Me:  Oh, great! The storm has knocked out the electric power. And not just us. There are no lights on anywhere within eye shot. What time is it? Okay. I’ll call and report it.

Stella:  So, this darkness is a great thing, and I just didn’t know it?

Me:  No, it’s only a silly expression.

Stella:  Ah, more human words that have no meaning. Usually when you say that great word, something wonderful happens.

Me:  Not this time. The storm is still raging. If everything around here is knocked out, it may take a while before they get the power back on.

Stella:  It is so dark. When will the Great Creator’s light come on? Has the storm killed it, too?

Me:  No, it’s still a few hours until sunrise. Thankfully, His light does not have outages. It’ll be up at the regular time.

Stella:   I see something through the hole in your wall, Lady Human.

Me:  Through the window. What are you staring at? Stella? Stella?

Stella:  That crooked blue light is crossing the sky. Can we grab it and use it to light our house?

Me:  Funny you should say that. Lightning is electricity.

Stella:  It’s beautiful. And terrifying. Let’s get some!

Me:  Uncontrolled electricity. Very dangerous. I think we’ll just wait for the power company to fix things.

Stella:  If you say so. What if they don’t?

Me:  We’ll have a taste of how our ancestors lived.

Stella:  A taste? No, thank you. I’ll stick with my regular food. It sounds like our ancestors lived kind of crummy.

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Move over, Lady Human. There’s not enough room.

Me:  You are right. There is not enough room. You move over.

Wiggles:  Hey, quiet down. We folks are trying to get some sleep.

Me:  You folks?

Tiger:  What’s all the noise about?

Stella:  Lady Human is being selfish. She’s hogging the bed.

Doodlebug:  Don’t you mean ‘dogging’ the bed?

Miss Sweetie:  I’ve been back there. There is not a whole lot of extra room on that bed. I prefer to stretch out in here. And in there. So long as I don’t fall off. It’s a great bed.

Me:  Come on, Stella. Be a friend. Move on over.

Stella:  All right. There.

Me:  You call that a move?

Stella:  Sure. I was over there. Now I am here.

Wiggles:  BEDTIME!

Tiger:  SLEEP TIME!

Doodlebug:  QUIET!

Miss Sweetie:  Huh?

Me:  Well, I’m going to sleep in my own bed comfortably even if it means rolling a bulldog over.

Stella:  Yeah, okay, whatever.

Me:  Here we go.

Stella:  Hey, what’s going on?

Me:  Sausage dog roll.

Stella:  Oh, that’s okay then. Good night, Lady Human.

Me:  Good night, girl.

Stella:  By giving up, I win.

Me:  Win what?

Stella:  The Bed Battles. I’m still here.

Me:  So am I.

Stella:  Yeah, but you are missing some inches on your side of the bed.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Morning comes too early. Here I am, minding my own business, and all of a sudden, peep, peep, peep, squawk, squawk, squawk, caw, caw, caw, tweet, tweet, tweet. Why are you laughing, Lady Human? This is serious.

Me:  Oh, just the tweet, tweet, tweet complaint. It’s nothing. It’s a human thing.

Stella:  No, it is a bird thing! Go out there and tell those loud mouths to be quiet!

Me:  I am glad they are here. There were no songbirds around here for a long time.

Stella:  That’s because we bulldogs were chasing them off.

Me:  Actually, it’s because grackles showed up in droves…no, that would be cattle. They showed up in a flock, or rather, an “annoyance” and they took over. The other types of birds left.

Stella:  Annoyance. Yes. That’s it. Tell those annoying birds to be quiet! If I don’t get to bark my silly head off, they don’t get to open their loud mouths.

Me:  Are you saying that you have a silly head?

Stella:  What? No! Who said that? Who called my head silly?

Me:  You did. Just then.

Stella:  My silly head is not the issue, Lady Human! Tell those silly-headed birds to stop the noise. If I don’t get to be a silly head, they don’t either.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What? What?

Me:  Stella, what are you noising about?

Stella:  How can you tell that was me? You’re in the other room. You can’t see me. Or can you? Are you spying on me, Lady Human?

Me:  I can tell your unique tone most of the time. And no, I am not spying on you, but if I want to, I will.

Stella:  Unique?

Me:  One of a kind.

Stella:  You can tell which one of us is talking?

Me:  Mostly. You confuse me every now and again.

Stella:  Okay, stay where you are and tell me who is speaking now?

Me:  That’s Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:  Yes! That’s great, Lady Human! Listen to me! Is this me?

Stella:  Sweetie! Of course, it is. You can’t give it away. Lady Human, who’s this?

Me:  Doodlebug. I can tell by his high pitch. He uses that when he wants something.

Doodlebug:  That’s right. So where is the treat that I want.

Stella:  Wait, Doodle. The game is not over. Okay, who is this?

Me:  You.

Stella:  Awww. I thought I could fool you. I was trying to sound like Wiggles.

Wiggles:  You don’t sound like me at all.

Stella:  All right. Tiger, you say something.

Tiger:  Nope. Not playing.

Stella:  Why not?

Tiger:  I am saving my voice for when I need it.

Me:  Each of you has a unique voice. You each sound different. I know that because of how much I have hung around each of you.

Stella:  Does each human have a unique voice like a bulldog?

Me:  Well, not like a bulldog. Like a human, yes, I believe so. Even if we sound similar, we are each unique.

Stella:  Is this one of those things the Great Creator does?

Me:  Yes, even so.

Stella:  Cool. But I have the most unique voice, right?

Me:  Unique is unique. One is not more unique than another.

Stella:  Oh, Lady Human. Now you’re just talking nonsense. I am the most unique of all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I feel insulted.

Me:  Oh, no. What now?

Stella:  You know what happened.

Me:  Are you talking about your special bathroom area and how someone did not care to use it?

Stella:  Yes, and yes and you know who it was.

Me:  I know.

Stella:  I very generously offered Tiger my special rainy-day bathroom spot and what did she do?

Me:  She did not take advantage of it and ran back inside.

Stella:  Exactly. What do you have to say for yourself, Tiger?

Tiger:  Mmmmmm.  I got scared.

Stella:  Of what?

Tiger:  That big weird room with all the metal and funny smells.

Me:  We call it the ‘garage’. The funny smells are from lawnmowers and edgers and other such machines. But you made it past all that and I was out there with you.

Tiger:  Yes, there was green grass and fresh air and then, that thing…that rolling thing…that scary rolling box thing.

Me:  The man who drove by? I know him. He’s not scary.

Tiger:  He scared me.

Me:  Listen! Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom if you need to. Take advantage of your opportunities. What happened a few minutes after you ran back in the house?

Tiger:  I had to go to the bathroom.

Me:  See!

Tiger:  Sorry, Lady Human, but I reserve the right to select my favorite bathroom spot, just like you do.

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  And I am cramped.

Stella:  Lady Human, are you still complaining about the size of my bed?

Me:  No, your bed is fine. I am complaining about my bed. It seems someone is always stretched out right in the center.

Stella:  That’s easy. Just move over.

Me:  I can’t. I’m not the one in the center.

Stella:  Even easier. Take up less space.

Me:  I can’t do that either. You take up less space. Scrunch up.

Stella:  I can’t scrunch up. I am a bulldog. There’s no scrunch in me.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a new song. Listen to this, Lady Human! Play time! Play time! Jumping on the bed! Jumping on the bed is for me!

Me:  Or how about this? Sleep time. Sleep time. Laying on the bed. Laying on the bed, quiet and still.

Stella:  Is that a new song of yours?

Me:  No, but it should be. Sleep time, Stella.

Stella:  I don’t like it. That song’s not near as good. I like mine better. Let me sing it again. Then you can jump on the bed, too.

Me:  I don’t jump on beds anymore, girl. I haven’t jumped on a bed since I was a kid.

Stella:   You must’ve been a fun kid, Lady Human. What happened?

Me:  I got too tall to jump on a bed without hitting my head on the light fixture in the ceiling. Plus, it was against the house rules.

Stella:  Why?

Me:  So that I wouldn’t hit my head on the light fixture in the ceiling. Or fall off the bed and get hurt.

Stella:  Silly house rules! That doesn’t apply to me. I won’t hit my head on the ceiling fan. Play time! Play time! Jumping on the bed! Jumping on the bed is for me!

Me:  Stella.

Stella:  Hmmm?

Me:  We have another house rule. Sleep time.

Stella:  Awww.

Me:  Check with me again when the sun comes up.

Stella:  Nope. When the sun comes up is when I go back to bed. That’s the real sleep time. Get your clock straight, ma’am. Play time! Play time! Jumping on the bed…

Me:  Oh, no.

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yeah, me! Look at this! And this! Now I’ll do it this way. And this…

Me:  Stella, you are a hoot!

Stella:  No, I am a bulldog.

Me:  I mean, you are funny. What are you doing?

Stella:  I am a queen. Queens know how to strike a pose. Like those humans on the Picture Box. So now I stand like this. And now I stand like that.

Me:  Well, you look good. And funny. But why are you doing it?

Stella:  Isn’t it obvious?

Me:  Maybe to you. Not to me.

Stella:  It is so the other bulldogs will appreciate me and admire me.

Me:  Uh, the others seem to be napping.

Stella:  They’re pretending. They’ve got their eyes on me. So, I hop around like this. And sit like this. And stand like that.

Me:  I find your poses highly entertaining. At least I’m watching. How about if I strike a pose, too?

Stella:  What? No. This is my thing. Lady Human, I am suddenly quite tired. I think I will take a nap. Go pose if you like. Nobody will be watching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.