Month: August 2021

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Who’s nudging me? I am trying to get some shut-eye here.

Me: Oh, Stella, please. I want some shut-eye myself. Please move over.

Stella: You have plenty of room. If you didn’t have such a big tummy, you would not be asking for more room.

Me: I weigh maybe 3 times as much as you do. I need more room.

Stella: And you have 2 legs and I have 4. I need the room. Why didn’t your human parents teach you to share?

Me: They did, but they never met a bulldog.

Stella: Their loss. Now make an accommodation. You humans are flexible.

Me: And you bulldogs are not.

Stella: Now we understand each other. Good night, Lady Human.

Me: Good night, Stella.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. More.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Wiggles: More.

Stella: Oh, she’s waiting for that word the humans demand to hear so often. Please.

Wiggles: Oh. Okay. Please. More. More. More.

Me: You haven’t finished what you have.

Stella: We’re getting ready for the next round.

Me: I’ll tell you what my parents told me. Clean your plate. Look. There’s some food still there.

Wiggles: Thank you for pointing that out.

Me: And there, Stella.

Stella: Oh, I missed that. And that. And that.

Me: Now if you want a little bit more.

Stella: By no means. What are you trying to do? Make us pigs.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Wiggles is yelling!

Me: Yeah, I heard that. I don’t know why.

Wiggles: Someone’s cooking eggs.

Me: That would be me because y’all aren’t allowed to use the stove.

Wiggles: EGGS ARE COOKING!

Me: I am well aware of that.

Wiggles: Let me into the cooking room. I want to smell my eggs.

Me: Who said they were for you?

Wiggles: Eggs are always for me.

Me: I only have two, so…

Wiggles: So you will give me those and go ask the chickens to lay yours. They should have done that anyway.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Wiggles:  Me, too! Me, too! Me, too!

Me: Hold your horses.

Stella: No! No crackers for horses!

Wiggles:  Let them get their own!

Me: I mean that you have already had your crackers. No more crackers tonight. Cracker happy hour is over.

Stella:  How can it be ‘happy’ if it comes to an end?

Wiggles: How can it be ‘happy hour’ if it’s so short?

Me:  Well, it is over. Once the cracker allotment is eaten, that’s it.

Stella: We’ll have to eat more slowly in the future. But then…what about your cracker allotment, Lady Human? That might give us a few more seconds, right?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Time to go out.

Stella: I shall proceed to my special rain spot.

Me: Oh, all right. Wiggles! Sweetie!

Wiggles: Nope.

Miss Sweetie: Double nope!

Me: Come on, y’all. Before the rain starts in earnest again.

Doodlebug: Are we in Earnest?

Me: No, earnest means…

Doodlebug: Then why do we care about Earnest?

Me: Go…outside…NOW!

Stella: She’s using her outdoor voice.

Wiggles: And that ugly NOW word. She has been using that more and more.

Me: Look. It is not raining right this minute, but that could change. Don’t balk. Use the opportunity.

Miss Sweetie: I’ll just go inside.

Me: No, you most assuredly won’t.

Miss Sweetie: It’s no big deal. You’ll just clean it up.

Stella: Good point. Cancel my special rain spot appointment.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Can I use your special chair, Lady Human?

Me: The proper question is ‘May I use your special chair?’

Stella: No, because I don’t have a special chair, but you do.

Me: What are you talking about?

Stella: That special chair in the tiny room where you always close the door like it’s a secret.

Me: The toilet? I close the door to gain a little privacy, but that never seems to work. And no, you may not use it and, actually, you can’t use it.

Stella: How come?

Me: It would require a great deal of balance that you do not possess. Sorry. I have heard of cats that have been trained for it, but never a bulldog. You’ll be happier just continuing to go outside.

Stella: Can you make a special chair for me?

Me: That is not in my current plans.

Stella: You could set it outside. It could be my throne. Every queen needs a throne. Why are you laughing?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bored!

Me: Sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?

Stella: Yes, Lady Human. Be more interesting.

BOOM!

Stella: WHAT WAS THAT?

Me: Thunder.

Stella: Scale it back! I didn’t mean that interesting!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I smell something.

Wiggles:  Peanut butter! Mine!

Me:  I just now opened the jar. Give me a minute.

Wiggles:  I am patient. I will wait. Mine!

Me:  Here you go, Wiggles.

Wiggles: What’s wrong with it?

Me:  Nothing. It’s good peanut butter.

Wiggles:  What is it hiding? Why is the lump of peanut butter so big?

Me:  Just try it.

Wiggles:  Oh, okay. Give it here. I can’t resist. Mmmm. Chewy.

Stella:  It was a trap. What did you sneak in there, Lady Human?

Me:  A flea preventative treatment.

Wiggles:  Well, it’s a shame to ruin a good glob of peanut butter, but I don’t favor fleas. So I’ll let you get by with it this once.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have the perfect pillow. It is soft and squishy and just the right size for my big old bulldog head.

Me: Stella? What’s going on?

Stella:  Nothing, Lady Human. Go back to sleep.

Me:  Is that your head on my stomach?

Stella:  Yep. Feel free to pet it. My head, that is.

Me:  Okay. Good night.

Stella:  As I was saying, I have the perfect pillow, but you will not find it in any human store. My pillow belongs to Lady Human and me only. It is an exclusive. You will have to get your own. Good night.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human!

Me: Coming!

Stella: Faster!

Me: What’s the problem?

Stella: MoonCat is barking and won’t stop.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Me: Cats don’t bark.

Stella: You are right. If they did, they would make sense. What is her problem?

MoonCat:  Meow. Meow.

Me:  Oh, there’s a blank space in the bottom of her food bowl and she can’t stand that.

Stella:  Why doesn’t she just eat what’s still in there?

Me:  I don’t know. She doesn’t like empty spots in her food bowl, no matter how much food is still piled up around the sides.

Stella:  Proves my point. She’ll never make a good bulldog. Blank spaces in our food bowls are the signs of meals well eaten. Hey, MoonCat! Clean your plate!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Excuse me, Lady Human!

Me:  Hey! Watch out!

Stella:  What’s the problem? I said, ‘Excuse me.’

Me:  You’re using your bowling bowl body to knock into me.

Stella:  Excuse me. Coming through.

Me:  Whoa!

Stella:  Lady Human, you are taller than me and bigger than me. My bowling ball weight is my only advantage when I need to get past you.

Me:  So you just throw your weight around because you can.

Stella:  Whatever works. Use what you’ve got. And by the way…

Me:  What?

Stella:  Excuse me. Here I come again,

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s in your hand, Lady Human?

Me:  A snack for Sweetie.

Stella:  Because you want her to do what?

Me:  I’m just being nice.

Stella:  You’re not being “nice” to me. It’s a bribe, isn’t it?

Me:  Well…

Stella:  Don’t feel guilty. Admit it.

Me:  Bribery is not a human virtue.

Stella:  Because humans use it wrong. I’ve heard you all talk. You use it to get somebody to do something they ought not do or to do something they ought to do but aren’t.

Me:  If I’m trying to get Sweetie to cut her sunbath short because it’s too hot, isn’t that the same thing?

Stella:  Of course not. To a dog, bribery is not a bad thing at all. In fact, keep it coming. I’d like to see more of it.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Therefore…

Me:  Therefore what?

Stella:  Where’s my bribe so I will stop talking about this?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.