October 2017 – Bulldoggy

The Things I Don’t Need List, Part 2 – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on October 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: To continue with the list of things I don’t need…

Stella: Exactly.

Me: What?

Stella: Your list. We don’t need it.

Me: To continue…I don’t need anyone chewing on the fencing.

Doodlebug: Me. That was me.

Me: I figured that out. I don’t need for the gate to be all torn apart.

Doodlebug: Oh, I can’t tear it all apart at once. It’s going to take lots of chewing and ripping over a long time.

Me: Next item. I don’t need for any bulldogs to lick the back door.

Snoopey: If we don’t do it, who will?

Me: It doesn’t need licking. It is a door.

Wiggles: Yes, it is.

Tiger: A wonderful, lick-able door.

Miss Sweetie: I prefer the inside.

Me: No one is listening to me, are they?

Stella: No. We were listening to the crunchy sound of Doodlebug chewing on the gate.

The “I Don’t Need” List – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a list of things I need…

Me: Before you get going on that, I have a different list. Things I don’t need.

Stella: Typical.

Me: Hear me out. Number one: I don’t need the incessant barking for no reason. I came home today, and everybody was barking and barking and there was no need for it.

Stella: We will be the judge of that.

Me: Well, I’m the judge of this. When you all are barking for no reason that I can tell, it sounds very much like you are yelling at me.

Stella: We would never yell at you. Not all at once. How could anyone understand what was being said?

Me: Try as I may, I don’t understand when you are barking one at a time. Item Number Two: I don’t need you to chase the cat or egg on anyone else to chase the cat. Doodlebug NEVER chased Moon the Cat before the other day and now he charges her every time he comes in from outdoors. I think you are encouraging him.

Stella: I am simply urging him to seek his own bulldog path. Cat chasing is perfectly normal for a young bulldog.

Me: Not in my house.

Stella: Your house? Since when?

The Wild, Weird Sky – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and… hurry, hurry, hurry, Lady Human! Let me in! Weirdness is going on!

Me: Wait. What? What’s that noise? It sounds like a bunch of dry leaves falling, but there are only a few…it’s sleet! SLEET! It’s sleeting in October! Yee-hah!

Stella: Ice? The sky is spitting ice at me?

Me: Well, technically, at all of us…around here anyway. This is so funny. It’s sleeting in October. It was 85 degrees two days ago. And it’s Tall Man’s birthday! Wild!

Stella: Tall Man’s birthday? Why didn’t you say so?

Me: He doesn’t expect you all to do anything for his birthday. Except if you can learn to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Bulldogs singing ‘Happy Birthday’. That would be cool.

Stella: No. No. You can forget that. Nobody tells me what to sing or when to sing it. But I think it is wonderful that the Great Creator is sending him a slushy on his birthday.

Me: This is cool, but there’s not enough ice falling right here to make a slushy drink. And what’s falling is melting as it hits the ground. So…

Stella: So, if enough sleet falls, everyone gets a slushy drink?

Me: I’ve never seen that, but if a lot falls, cars look like they’re wearing overcoats made of ice.

Stella: Freaky.

Me: Yeah.

Stella: But you would never leave me outside in icy weather until I had an ice overcoat, right?

Me: Right.

Stella: Or the others either? I act as though I don’t care about them, but really…I do.

Me: Right. I thank the LORD every day for His mercies and for giving all of us shelter from every storm.

Stella: Amen.

Me: And for food.

Stella: Amen. Big AMEN!

Me: And for clean water.

Stella: Amen.

Me: And for air to breathe.

Stella: Amen.

Me: When did you start saying ‘Amen’ to my prayers?

Stella: I have for a long time now, Lady Human. Didn’t you tell me that the Book He gave you all says, ‘All creation groans…’? We always hope the best for humans. It means so much to us.

Me: Amen.

Champion Cat Catcher – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

Posted on October 26, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! I am so proud of my boy, Doodlebug, that even though he is not my son, I am adopting him as my son and the heir to my cat-chasing, cat-tackling legacy.

Doodlebug: So now I have 2 moms?

Stella: Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Doodlebug: Since you are the Queen and I am now your son, does that mean that I am the King?

Stella: No.

Doodlebug: The Prince?

Stella: No.

Doodlebug: Pooh!

Stella: Because of your great feat yesterday, you are our champion cat chaser, cat tackler, cat…

Doodlebug: Hugger!

Stella: No, Doodle! Hush! Ugly talk!

Me: Stella! Doodlebug is a free-style cat chaser. Not everybody chases cats in the same way. In fact, before yesterday, I had never seen Doodle put any effort into chasing the cat at all.

Stella: Yeah, and then all of a sudden, he was a natural. I am so proud. He charged around and saw the cat sleeping in your chair. Sleeping in YOUR chair! Where is your self-respect, Lady Human? Allowing a cat to sleep in your personal space? Really?

Me: And, all of a sudden, Doodlebug was on top of the cat, completely covering her with his big old Doodlebug body. And she didn’t scratch him or bite him or hiss at him.

Stella: A tactical error on her part.

Me: He eased back, and she scooted away.

Doodlebug: Cats are soft.

Stella: Doodlebug!

Doodlebug: Cats are cuddly and huggable.

Stella: Doodle, stop!

Doodlebug: Cats are our friends.

Stella: Noooo! Heresy! You are a bulldog!

Me: Well, Moon the Cat is none the worse for wear.

Stella: Awww! The cat is not afraid of bulldogs! The world has changed! All is lost! Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.

Thingamajig – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans are inventive. Too inventive. They are forever bringing new stuff into the house and most of it whirs or blows air or squeaks or jumps or rattles…

Me: What have we done now that is so terrible?

Stella: There is something weird in the hall. What do you call it? A thingamajig. It blows air or sucks air or something. It just sits there and narrows the way for the bulldogs. We have to pass by it to get to any place interesting in the house. Please stop bringing thingamajigs into our world.

Me: That thingamajig, as you call it, is a dehumidifier.

Stella: Just as I said…thingamajig.

Me: It helps keep humidity out of the house. Too much humidity makes the air inside hotter and promotes mildew which is nasty and stinks.

Stella: Blah. Blah. Blah. Thingamajig.

Me: Useful thingamajig.

Stella: How many more of these thingamajigs are you going to bring into the house?

Me: As many as necessary, but honestly, probably not too many more. That is a human decision.

Stella: It shouldn’t be. Bulldogs are much more practical about what should go in our living spaces. Treats. Toys. Soft beds. No thingamajigs allowed.

Creatures of Habit – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on October 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Tick tock. Tick tock. I’m a clock. I’m a clock. What’s the hold up? LADY HUMAN! BREAKFAST TIME! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Me: What is the problem? I’m coming!

Stella: You are late!

Me: No, I’m not.

Stella: That’s not what my stomach clock says. It says you should have been here three minutes ago. Wait! What are you doing?

Me: Passing out breakfast.

Snoopey: You are doing it out of order. Me first. I am the pack leader.

Me: No, Wiggles and Sweetie first because…you know. Sweetie has a tight bathroom schedule.

Tiger: Typical. Poor ole Tiger. Never first.

Me: Yeah, but you get that special food supplement right before bedtime.

Stella: Which reminds me, where is our food supplement?

Doodlebug: I’m next. First Wiggles, then Sweetie, then Snoopey, then Stella, then me, then Tiger.

Snoopey: Hey, just a minute. Why is mine in my bowl?

Me: Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Stella: Why does Snoopey get special treatment?

Me: Snoopey always tumps her bowl over, so I started doing it for her. She likes it that way.

Stella: If I want to make a mess on purpose, I guess that will be all right, too.

Me: Do you want your food tumped?

Stella: Eat off the floor? No, of course not! Disgusting!

Snoopey: Why should my big old bulldog mouth be confined to a bowl? The floor is freedom.

Me: All right. Is everybody satisfied now?

Miss Sweetie: Potty.

Me: Oh! Come with me, Sweetie! Hurry! I almost forgot.

Stella: She would have reminded you. A little too late. Never delay a creature of habit.

Me: I could stand a little more flexibility from y’all.

Stella: Flexibility. Pffft, Lady Human. You forget with whom you are dealing.

The Arrest of Doodlebug – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

Posted on October 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby order the arrest of Doodlebug. Offense: Rampaging without a license. Disorderly conduct (even for a bulldog). General disobedience.

Me: I am trying to catch him now. Can you help?

Stella: I am not that fast, Lady Human. Sorry. He does not obey anyone. That is why you have my permission, my edict in fact, to arrest him. Take him into custody. Now. Please.

Me: Doodle, come here!

Doodlebug: Haha! Catch me if you can. What’s that over there?

Me: Something that is not yours. Come here, boy!

Doodlebug: Haha! Nope. What’s that over there?

Me: My phone! No!

Doodlebug: Okay. Wait. What’s this over here?

Snoopey: Hey! My blanket! Leave it alone!

Doodlebug: Oh, okay! Hey, what’s that?

Stella: You know. It’s the Cat. Go, Doodlebug, go!

Me: Stop!

Stella: Awwww.

Me: Doodle, stop! There! I got you. Leash arrest.

Doodlebug: Awwww.

Me: Let’s go outside and run around. Get all the excess energy out.

Doodlebug: Are you going outside, too?

Me: Sure. I’ll go outside with you.

Doodlebug: Will you run around?

Me: No, not so much. Excess energy is not my particular issue.

Doodlebug: When we come back in, will I still be under arrest?

Me: Will you behave?

Doodlebug: No.

Me: Oh, all right, no. You won’t be under arrest. Never mind.

Stella: She gives up too easily, Doodlebug. I am the Queen. Do what I say.

Doodlebug: Mmmm. Nope.

What is Jury Duty? Do They Serve Food?

Posted on October 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human awakened us for breakfast at an unreasonable hour this morning. It was still dark. Food is good, but not in the dark. Why, Lady Human, why, oh why?

Me: Hey, at least you all got to go right back to sleep. I had to catch a train into town so I wouldn’t have to deal with traffic and parking.

Stella: Why, oh why would you get up and leave in the dark to go someplace called ‘town’ where you never go?

Me: Jury duty.

Stella: Nonsense.

Me: No, jury duty is a real thing.

Stella: What I mean is that those are just more human nonsense words. What would drag you out in the middle of the night away from your loving bulldogs?

Me: It was just a little before sunrise, not the middle of the night. Still…you’re right. Every once in a long, long while, people get a jury summons. Our court system calls us to serve on a jury to judge the facts of a case.

Stella: As I said, nonsense. Blah, blah, blah.

Me: Suffice it to say, I had to go downtown. I had no choice. To get there on time, I had to leave ultra-early.

Stella: So, you did this jury duty nonsense thing?

Me: I showed up. They didn’t need me so they sent me home.

Stella: Darn tootin’ they sent you back! How dare they take you away in the first place?

Me: Humans have responsibilities to other humans. This is one of the more minor ones.

Stella: Is jury duty fun?

Me: Mmmmm.

Stella: No fun. Is there a bunch of food? Do you get fed for going to ‘jury duty’?

Me: Nope. No food. I took my own sack lunch.

Stella: No fun. No food. Do you play games?

Me: Nope. No games. It’s all pretty serious.

Stella: No fun. No food. No games. Do you make a lot of that stuff you call ‘money’?

Me: Nope.

Stella: No fun. No food. No games. No money. Why do it then?

Me: Duty.

Stella: I don’t want to know any more. Duty does not sound like a bulldog thing.

The Bulldog F-Word – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogge. There are some words that people should not use, especially not in our delicate ears or the ears of human puppies. Humans have all kinds of ugly words that they use to insult other humans, insult dogs, insult cats…never mind. Insulting cats is an art form.

Me: Are you saying that there is a bulldog F-word?

Stella: Of course. You’ve heard it. We have discussed it before.

Me: And what, pray tell, is that word?

Stella: You know.

Me: No, I don’t.

Stella: Yes, you do. I told you before. I just didn’t admit that it was like the human F-word.

Me: I don’t remember…

Stella: Pffft!

Me: Stella! Really?

Stella: Pffft!

Me: Why are you using your F-word at me?

Stella: You asked for it.

Me: Well, yes, but I didn’t think you actually had one.

Stella: Would I lie to you?

Me: I don’t think so.

Stella: So, pffft!

Me: Oh, Stella.

Stella: What’s wrong?

Me: Let me quote my grandmother when she heard a dirty word. “Hush! Ugly talk!”

Stella: Your grandmother must not have been much fun to be around. Pffft!

Me: Stella! Why are you cussing at me?

Stella: I don’t know. Maybe because you don’t do what I want you to do.

Me: Is that a good reason to cuss at someone?

Stella: It’s a reason. Maybe not a good reason. Pffft.

All Eyes on You – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Let’s wait and see what happens.

Me: What’s going on? Why are you all looking at me?

Stella: Nobody say anything. Just stare.

Me: Okay, that’s not funny, y’all. Why are you staring at me? Why is nobody moving?

Stella: Why, Lady Human, whatever do you mean?

Me: You. All of you. Staring. Without blinking.

Stella: Yeah, scary, huh?

Me: Are you trying to scare me?

Stella: No. Yes. Maybe. Did it work?

Me: It’s just kind of weird to look down and have everyone focused on me for no reason.

Stella: It’s never for no reason.

Me: What is the reason then?

Stella: Where you are standing.?

Me: Yeah, what about it?

Stella: Kitchen.

Me: Okay.

Stella: We are ready. Whatever you decide to do, we are ready.

Me: What do you think I’m going to do?

Stella: Something having to do with food. Don’t worry. We are ready.

Me: I came to get some water. For me. Just water. For me.

Stella: No, the kitchen is for food. We are ready.

Me: I’m not doing any food stuff now.

Stella: Awwww.

Me: You want some more water?

Stella: No, thank you.

Me: All right then. I am leaving the kitchen now. You can stop staring at me.

Stella: Sweetie! Wiggles! Take first watch. If she makes a move toward the kitchen, sound the alert. Our sleepy eyeballs can be open in a heartbeat.

Bulldog Baths – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 13, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. May I state for the record that I personally hate baths? Of course, I may. I am the Queen. I may do anything I wish.

Me: No, you may not.

Stella: Pardon the interruption. Lady Human has once again inserted herself into my business.

Me: I have an objection to make.

Stella: Please go on. Be as objectionable as you wish.

Me: I am not the one objectionable today. Today I am objecting to Snoopey and Wiggles and Miss Sweetie. They have been licking my feet and legs.

Stella: Here, let me see what your legs and feet taste like and I will be able to tell you why.

Me: Noooo!

Stella: How do you expect me to help you when you won’t let me see what the attraction is? Maybe you taste like sirloin steak. If so, can you blame them?

Me: Sirloin steak? None of you has ever tasted sirloin steak.

Stella: And why is that, Lady Human? Hmmmm?

Me: Bottom line, I am not a lollipop. I don’t need to be licked like one.

Stella: They were giving you a bulldog bath. That’s all. Probably trying to help you out with your weird and busy day.

Me: I could use help in other ways. Besides, now that they have given me a tongue bath, I have to take another bath.

Stella: How insulting! And after all the effort they went to. Are you saying that their tongues are dirty?

Me: Yes. I am stating that categorically.

Stella: Fine. Now hear this, Bulldogs! Stop licking on Lady Human. She does not appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. But she is now on her own when it comes to baths.

A Whole Lot of Beeping Going On – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Early this morning, I was minding my business as usual when the still air was wrecked by the most awful noise. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Me: I know. Everyone woke up.

Stella: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Me: Thank you, Stella. I heard.

Stella: What a ridiculous noise! I know it was a human noise. Do you know how I know? No self-respecting animal would make a noise like that.

Me: A goose would. More of a honk, but still…

Stella: That annoying bird that was in that movie on the Picture Box. No, thank you! But you have to admit, the beeping is worse.

Me: Well, when everybody jumped up and started barking like mad…no, I don’t see the difference. You all did that at the goose during my movie. I always have to watch that movie more than once just to hear what’s going on because of all the barking at the goose.

Stella: Maybe you should stop watching that movie. That would solve everything.

Me: I don’t agree that bulldogs should dictate my television viewing habits.

Stella: Well, someone needs to. So, all that beeping this morning AND YESTERDAY had nothing to do with gooses.

Me: Geese.

Stella: What?

Me: Two “gooses” are referred to as geese.

Stella: Lady Human, your language makes me want to scream.

Me: Please don’t. We’ve already had enough noise around here today.

Stella: Who was beeping and how do we get it to stop?

Me: Today it was a bulk trash truck. It came earlier than usual. Yesterday it was the regular trash truck. I guess they had to back up.

Stella: Why does backing up beep?

Me: It’s a warning that they put on big trucks. It lets everybody around know that the truck is backing up and may be blind to what’s behind it.

Stella: Scary.

Me: Not for you all. Stay away from the trucks…and you do…and there is no danger.

Stella: Except to our ears. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Humans and their noises. Honestly. Where does it end?

What Don’t Matter Don’t Matter – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella….Aaaaggghhh! Awwww! I am so sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me! I didn’t mean to!

Me: Stella, calm down!

Stella: But what I did!

Me: I know what happened.

Stella: So terrible. How can you forgive me? So nasty.

Me: It’s no big deal. You pooped in your crate.

Stella: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t know where else to go!

Me: It happens. It doesn’t matter!

Stella: It matters to me.

Me: Look. I’ve already put your toys in the wash. I am carrying your crate tray out to hose it down. That’s why we have a high-powered attachment on the hose. It will all be gone in a few minutes.

Stella: How can you ever forgive me?

Me: It’s already forgiven. Just one of those things.

Stella: I mean, you were back there, visiting with the human puppy and I felt it coming on, but nobody was in here and who would have heard me and all of a sudden, there it was…

Me: It’s probably because of that heartworm preventative Tall Man gave you earlier.

Stella: Aaaaggghhh! I hate those things!

Me: I know.

Stella: You hide that in meat balls and I am so weak…I give in every time to the meat balls. Aaaagggghhh! I can’t resist the meat balls!

Me: You aren’t supposed to resist the meat balls. You need the heartworm protection.

Stella: I am so sorry!!!

Me: Listen! Some things don’t matter at all. This is one of those things.

Stella: But…

Me: Listen to me! There are things that we do that matter. And there are things that we do that don’t matter. This is a don’t matter thing.

Stella: Lady Human, that is poor grammar.

Me: I know. And it don’t matter.

Stella: But you are teaching me proper grammar…

Me: Yep. And sometimes improper grammar pops out because what we are saying is real. And it just don’t matter. This is a don’t matter moment. Now think about what really happened. You pooped in your crate. I have taken your soiled crate tray outside, hosed it off, and wiped it down. The poop flowed into the dirt where it will break down and return to the earth. New plants will grow out of it. It won’t smell bad. It won’t stick to our feet. We won’t even know it was there. That’s how the LORD made it to be. Blessed be the Name of the LORD. His ways are higher and better than our ways. If we had to come up with a way to handle the mess, we probably would have messed it up. So, bottom line, you had an accident. It got cleaned up. What don’t matter don’t matter.

Stella: So, it’s okay if I poop in my crate every day?

Me: NO!

Stella: Good! Because I hate pooping in my crate. Nasty!

Pedicures Bulldog Style – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 7, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four bulldog feet. Please leave them alone.

Me: I am not fooling with your feet tonight, Stella. I am fooling with mine.

Stella: Why would you fool with anybody’s feet? That sounds like you are playing a joke. Feet are serious business.

Me: I am dealing with my own feet right now.

Stella: Ew! What horrible thing is that?

Me: It is a tool that trims off dead skin. I have a callous on one foot. I have had for a long time.

Stella: Why?

Me: It may be the way I walk on that foot. It may be the shoes I wear.

Stella: Then don’t walk that way. And don’t wear shoes. I don’t and I am doing just fine.

Me: I wouldn’t get far without shoes. Human feet aren’t built like dog feet.

Stella: Another way in which dogs are superior to humans.

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: Of course. Always. Bulldogs are very forgiving. Wait. Are you going to put that stinky stuff on your toes? Because I might not forgive that.

Me: Nail polish?

Stella: Yeah, like the stuff you paint on the walls, only it smells worse.

Me: I don’t think so tonight.

Stella: Okay. Well, that’s good. I don’t like the smell, but if I have to, I can always lick it off. That is one good thing about human feet. They are incredibly lick-able. Delicious.

Me: No, Stella, that’s not why I do pedicures.

Stella: So long as you don’t wear socks. Bare feet are great.

Me: Cold weather will dictate my sock wearing habits.

Stella: That’s all right. If they are loose enough, I can just pull them off and lick away.

Popcorn Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on October 5, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am the human commonly referred to among the bulldogs as Lady Human.

Stella: Hey, that’s my spot. Get out of my spot, Lady Human! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Snoopey: What?

Tiger: Who?

Wiggles: Bark…bark……bark…bark.

Doodlebug: What?

Miss Sweetie: Hey! Huh! What?

Me: Okay, please stop. You sound like a bunch of popcorn kernels going off.

Wiggles: Popcorn? Mmmmm!

Stella: When?

Tiger: Where? How?

Snoopey: Ruff…..Ruff…Ruff. Ruff.

Me: You see! Some of that doesn’t even make any sense.

Doodlebug: Sense? What? What? What?

Tiger: How? When? Where? What?

Wiggles: Someone said popcorn.

Snoopey: Look! Look!

Stella: At what?

Snoopey: Nothing.

Miss Sweetie: Looking. I see nothing. Where’s the popcorn?

Me: There is no popcorn.

Stella: I distinctly heard someone say popcorn. Was it you, Tiger?

Me: How could anyone hear anything with all this barking? You bark and then she barks and then he barks and then you bark again.

Stella: Yep.

Miss Sweetie: Why?

Stella: Why what, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie: Why is there no popcorn?

Tiger: Exactly. Ruuuuffff!

Miss Sweetie: I will bark until there is popcorn. Ruff…Ruff…Ruff…

Me: Noooo! Please don’t! Look! I’ll get you treats or supplements or something if it will calm you all down. No more popcorn barking.

Snoopey: Where did she go?

Stella: To the kitchen. You see. I told you it would work.

Miss Sweetie: Aunt Stella, you’re the best.

Stella: Okay, Sweetie, you can stop barking now.

Miss Sweetie: Why?

Talking to Yourself Out Loud – More Human Nonsense – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have said many times before, humans talk too much. It is bad enough when they are using too many words to us. When they start talking to themselves, well, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. All I have to say right now is SHHHHH! I could have said SILENCE! But since Lady Human is talking to herself out loud, she probably wouldn’t have heard me over her own volume so what’s the point?

Me: So, I am speaking aloud. So what?

Stella: So… ANNOYING. DISTRACTING. NOISY. IRRITATING. What else? Let’s see. Oh, yes. UNNECESSARY. NOTHING WE NEED TO HEAR. WEIRD. Shall I go on?

Me: Not weird. Helpful.

Stella: Not to us, it’s not. How can human yakking be helpful?

Me: Sometimes, when I say the words instead of just thinking them, my brain processes my thoughts into solid ideas that I can hold onto.

Stella: Oh, Lady Human, that is scary.

Me: How so?

Stella: Solid words. Whatever next? Will you start throwing your words around the room like little balls for us to fetch? Oh, look out! There’s a word flying through the air! Don’t let it smack you in the head!

Me: Sorry, Stella. I forgot how literal you can be.

Stella: Literal? Lady Human, are you saying that I am stupid?

Me: No. I am saying that your way of thinking is more concrete than mine.

Stella: What? Concrete in my head? No wonder my head is so heavy.

Me: I am sorry that my out loud self-talk was confusing to you.

Stella: When you ask yourself a question, do you answer it, too?

Me: No, I usually type it into my phone for someone else’s answer.

Stella: Perfect. No more talking to yourself out loud. Let your fingers do the talking. We won’t even have to hear it. You spend so much time on that little box anyway. Go ahead and spend more. Ah, blessed silence.

Me: Wait a minute! Blessed silence? What about when you all erupt in barking?

Stella: I meant blessed silence from humans. There’s a difference. You should know that by now.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…Or Visitors – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. First of all, allow me to explain what happened today…

Me: Rudeness. That’s what happened today.

Stella: Now, Lady Human, in all fairness…

Me: Fairness? Can you imagine walking into a house to visit and the whole place erupts in wild barking?

Stella: Yes, I can imagine that. It happened here today. It was crazy. Bulldog madness.

Me: You were barking as much as everyone else. Our poor visitor felt totally unwelcome.

Stella: Of course, she was unwelcome. We don’t let just anybody walk in here. Where was her invitation?

Me: I invited her.

Stella: Well, I didn’t. No one told me. Perhaps you should plan a little better next time. Bulldog invitations must be issued in plenty of time for us to get used to the idea of a stranger coming here.

Me: And how much time is that?

Stella: A year or two ought to be sufficient. I’ll let you know if that’s not enough.

	H.J. Hill on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	u2hearts on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	Jamie P. on Welcome to Simpleton –…
	u2hearts on Nasty! – Conversations w…
	u2hearts on Human Mismanagement – Co…

	H.J. Hill on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	u2hearts on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	Jamie P. on Welcome to Simpleton –…
	u2hearts on Nasty! – Conversations w…
	u2hearts on Human Mismanagement – Co…

Month: October 2017