Creatures of Habit – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Tick tock. Tick tock. I’m a clock. I’m a clock. What’s the hold up? LADY HUMAN! BREAKFAST TIME! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Me:        What is the problem? I’m coming!

Stella:    You are late!

Me:        No, I’m not.

Stella:    That’s not what my stomach clock says. It says you should have been here three minutes ago. Wait! What are you doing?

Me:        Passing out breakfast.

Snoopey:   You are doing it out of order. Me first. I am the pack leader.

Me:        No, Wiggles and Sweetie first because…you know. Sweetie has a tight bathroom schedule.

Tiger:     Typical. Poor ole Tiger. Never first.

Me:        Yeah, but you get that special food supplement right before bedtime.

Stella:    Which reminds me, where is our food supplement?

Doodlebug:   I’m next. First Wiggles, then Sweetie, then Snoopey, then Stella, then me, then Tiger.

Snoopey:   Hey, just a minute. Why is mine in my bowl?

Me:        Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Stella:   Why does Snoopey get special treatment?

Me:        Snoopey always tumps her bowl over, so I started doing it for her. She likes it that way.

Stella:    If I want to make a mess on purpose, I guess that will be all right, too.

Me:        Do you want your food tumped?

Stella:    Eat off the floor? No, of course not! Disgusting!

Snoopey:   Why should my big old bulldog mouth be confined to a bowl? The floor is freedom.

Me:        All right. Is everybody satisfied now?

Miss Sweetie:   Potty.

Me:        Oh! Come with me, Sweetie! Hurry! I almost forgot.

Stella:    She would have reminded you. A little too late. Never delay a creature of habit.

Me:   I could stand a little more flexibility from y’all.

Stella:    Flexibility. Pffft, Lady Human. You forget with whom you are dealing.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

No Double Dipping – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am ticked off. Is that the correct term, Lady Human? Ticked off?

Me:        If you mean that you are annoyed, angry, riled up, fuming…

Stella:    That’s me!

Me:        Is there a reason or…

Stella:    Of course, there is a reason. There is always a reason. I am a reasonable bulldog.

Me:        Do the words ‘reasonable’ and ‘bulldog’ go together?

Stella:    YES! Why am I ticked off, you ask.

Me:        I didn’t actually ask why? I just wondered if there were a reason or…

Stella:    SILENCE, PEASANT!

Me:        I beg your pardon!

Stella:    Not yet! Why was Snoopey fed twice today? Why? Why? Why?

Me:        Snoopey was not fed twice.

Stella:    Yes, she was. She double dipped. That is not fair. It is not allowed.

Me:        Snoopey was fed once. There was no double dipping, as you call it.

Stella:    You took the huge plastic spoon…

Me:        The scoop…

Stella:    I said that. The huge plastic spoon and the food bucket around and we each got our food and then you went out and came back with more food and put it in Snoopey’s bowl.

Me:        I ran out of food on the first go-round before Snoopey got fed. I had to get more out of the storage can. When I came back in, I put food in Snoopey’s bowl. Snoopey did not double dip. She got fed once.

Stella:    It looked suspicious and unfair to me.

Me:        You were napping during breakfast. I saw you peak a couple of times. You missed the part where I ran out of food.

Stella:    NO DOUBLE DIPPING! NO DOUBLE DIPPING!

Me:        Is this going to turn into another bulldog strike?

Stella:    Not if you double dip me.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Where Are Your Food Bowls? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I…

Me:        Where are your food bowls?

Stella:    Lady Human, interrupting me while I am addressing my subjects? How RUDE!

Me:        Where are your food bowls?

Stella:    We rearranged a few things.

Me:        Rearranged as in carried off? Have you hidden them?

Stella:    We like them. They make excellent drums.

Me:        I don’t want to have to go in search of them come breakfast time.

Stella:    Sweetie likes to wear hers and sit in it and step in it. Doodlebug is a better drummer though.

Me:        Yes. You are all very versatile. But I need them.

Stella:    No, you don’t. I have seen the sloppy way you humans eat. Round bowls and flat bowls and small bowls and square bowls. You never even have the decency to put your faces down into them. You bring the food up to your mouths with those long metal stabbers and pointy silver pokers.

Me:        I don’t need your bowls for me. I need your bowls for you all. Otherwise, breakfast tomorrow may be delayed.

Stella:    Delayed?

Me:        You don’t want me to pour it on the ground, do you?

Stella:    Food delayed? Everybody, pull in the bowls! Wiggles! Where is your food bowl?

Wiggles:   It was in my way. I moved it.

Stella:    Get it! Doodlebug!

Doodlebug:        Mine was empty so I didn’t need it anymore.

Stella:    No, silly! You need it every day. Tiger?

Tiger:     It’s around here somewhere. Why?

Stella:    Breakfast tomorrow, that’s why. Snoopey?

Snoopey:   I like to eat my food off the floor. It’s neater that way.

Stella:    Aaagggh! Whatever! Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie: Yes?

Stella:    All right, Sweetie, I can see where yours is.

Miss Sweetie:    Where?

Stella:    Really? You are sitting in it.

Miss Sweetie:    No, I’m not.

Stella:    I can see it under you.

Miss Sweetie:    That’s my chair.

Stella:    Bring all bowls forward! Now!

Snoopey:   Where is yours?

Stella:    Never you mind.

Snoopey:   I think it’s under your toys. I think I can get it.

Stella:    Don’t even try. Now who’s stupid for befriending the big purple dinosaur in my crate?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

 

Stella’s Blog – No Barking at Breakfast

Hello! I am Stella, Queen (Yes, QUEEN) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome once again to my blog. I like blogging because I have much to say on every subject, even subjects I know nothing about.

The sky has been crying a lot. Rain, the humans call it. But I am dry and comfortable. Why? Because I do not dance in the water like Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug. They are silly puppies and come back in the house painted with mud and who knows what else. I am dignified and all grown up and…oh, what’s that? The cat is running and I must catch her!  Aaaagghh! I slid on the floor. Missed chance! Where was I? Ah, I am a dignified grown-up and I don’t do silly things.

Which is why I want to complain about barking at breakfast.

I like a nice, quiet morning. Breakfast comes after outdoor potty time (take note, Miss Sweetie – outdoor potty time. There is no official indoor potty time ever.) Lady Human calls our food time “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club” and she eats with us. Not the same food  out of our bowls. I would not like that. Everybody, stay out of my bowl! I don’t want your dirty mouths in it. That goes double for Lady Human. I have no idea what humans eat or chew on. I don’t even want to think about it.

I have noted way too much loud bulldog talk during breakfast. Tiger is the biggest loudmouth. If I can wait patiently for my bowl to be filled, why can’t you,Tiger? And Doodlebug does not have to put his five pennies in either.

(Pause for consultation with transcriptionist)

 Two cents. I have been informed that the human expression is two cents. Very well. Two cents. It sounded more like five to me.

The point is they have nothing to say and it is too early to be listening to loud noises. Barking should be used for emergencies only, such as strangers, hurry up bathroom runs, Moon the Cat, and singing the song of our people.

So please, everyone, dogs and people, keep the barking down in the mornings. The only sound that we should hear is bulldog mouths chomping our food. Humans may stay if they eat silently.

Thank you for your kind attention. That is all.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Hallelujah Breakfast Club

As a hurrier through life, I have skipped breakfast more often than I have eaten it. My run out the door seldom routed a swing through the kitchen. When my last job ended, I decided to make a change and started each morning with a simple, healthy breakfast. That sounds more wholesome than it usually is. Honestly, the definition of “healthy” shifts based on cravings and what happens to be available in the refrigerator.

As the early riser/recently unemployed, I took over the feeding of the bulldogs and their morning bathroom runs. I stepped into the den where every dog slept and they jumped to their feet in anticipation. “At last, this lady has come to feed us and let us out to pee.”  That was my interpretation. They didn’t vocalize it. They said it with their stomping feet. The whole room vibrated and rumbled like a bulldog percussion section. Sixteen dancing, pounding feet celebrated being alive, and hungry.

So we started sharing breakfast time together. Within a short while, I joined them in the morning celebration stomp and dubbed the daily event “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club”. I even made up a little theme song for it. (I will not burden you with the details.)

Once the food bowls were distributed, the persistent sound of chomping filled the room. My satisfaction at that sound surprised me. Humans may smack when we eat, but by and large, we are quiet consumers. Bulldogs don’t hold back. They enjoy eating and they let everyone know it. I was glad that they were glad. And I was happy that I was the one privileged to fill their bowls.

The Hallelujah Breakfast Club turned what could have been a lonely, mindless chore into a feast and the thing that made it so was an attitude. I could have chosen to be down or burdened or distracted or annoyed, but the noise of their silly bulldog feet pounding out “good morning” welcomed me to a different point of view – a joyful one. I don’t skip breakfast anymore if I can share the time with a bulldog. They know how to enjoy a good meal.

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 KJV

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.