Take Your Feet Out of Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

20151220_230434.jpgI am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four feet. As does Lady Human.

Me:        Correction. I have two hands and two feet.

Stella:    Same difference.

Me:        Not really. I don’t walk on my hands and toes are not fingers.

Stella:    You are doing the same things with those hands of yours that I do with my feet.

Me:        Specifically?

Stella:    Putting them in your mouth. Take your feet…

Me:        Hands.

Stella:    …out of your mouth.

Me:         To humans, putting your foot in your mouth has a totally different meaning. It means that you have stumbled over your own words.

Stella:     Typical. Humans making words mean what they don’t mean. I saw you! You put those long things…

Me:        Fingers.

Stella:    …in your mouth and you chewed on them.

Me:        Cuticles. I admit it. I chew on my cuticles.

Stella:    Are cuticles the same as feet?

Me:        No, they are the skin around the nails. They get dry. And they stick out. And they get snagged on stuff. And there my teeth are, close by. It’s so easy to just bite them off.

Stella:    Now you are talking bulldog. But still, take your feet out of your mouth. It doesn’t look as good on humans as it does on us.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Baths – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. May I state for the record that I personally hate baths? Of course, I may. I am the Queen. I may do anything I wish.

Me:        No, you may not.

Stella:    Pardon the interruption. Lady Human has once again inserted herself into my business.

Me:        I have an objection to make.

Stella:    Please go on. Be as objectionable as you wish.

Me:        I am not the one objectionable today. Today I am objecting to Snoopey and Wiggles and Miss Sweetie. They have been licking my feet and legs.

Stella:    Here, let me see what your legs and feet taste like and I will be able to tell you why.

Me:        Noooo!

Stella:    How do you expect me to help you when you won’t let me see what the attraction is? Maybe you taste like sirloin steak. If so, can you blame them?

Me:        Sirloin steak? None of you has ever tasted sirloin steak.

Stella:    And why is that, Lady Human? Hmmmm?

Me:        Bottom line, I am not a lollipop. I don’t need to be licked like one.

Stella:    They were giving you a bulldog bath. That’s all. Probably trying to help you out with your weird and busy day.

Me:        I could use help in other ways. Besides, now that they have given me a tongue bath, I have to take another bath.

Stella:    How insulting! And after all the effort they went to. Are you saying that their tongues are dirty?

Me:        Yes. I am stating that categorically.

Stella:    Fine. Now hear this, Bulldogs! Stop licking on Lady Human. She does not appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. But she is now on her own when it comes to baths.




Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Pedicures Bulldog Style – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four bulldog feet. Please leave them alone.

Me:        I am not fooling with your feet tonight, Stella. I am fooling with mine.

Stella:    Why would you fool with anybody’s feet? That sounds like you are playing a joke. Feet are serious business.

Me:        I am dealing with my own feet right now.

Stella:    Ew! What horrible thing is that?

Me:        It is a tool that trims off dead skin. I have a callous on one foot. I have had for a long time.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        It may be the way I walk on that foot. It may be the shoes I wear.

Stella:    Then don’t walk that way. And don’t wear shoes. I don’t and I am doing just fine.

Me:        I wouldn’t get far without shoes. Human feet aren’t built like dog feet.

Stella:    Another way in which dogs are superior to humans.

Me:        Excuse me?

Stella:    Of course. Always. Bulldogs are very forgiving. Wait. Are you going to put that stinky stuff on your toes? Because I might not forgive that.

Me:        Nail polish?

Stella:    Yeah, like the stuff you paint on the walls, only it smells worse.

Me:        I don’t think so tonight.

Stella:    Okay. Well, that’s good. I don’t like the smell, but if I have to, I can always lick it off. That is one good thing about human feet. They are incredibly lick-able. Delicious.

Me:        No, Stella, that’s not why I do pedicures.

Stella:    So long as you don’t wear socks. Bare feet are great.

Me:        Cold weather will dictate my sock wearing habits.

Stella:    That’s all right. If they are loose enough, I can just pull them off and lick away.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Toe Stompers – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, wish to make perfectly clear that I had absolutely nothing to do with what happened. I was across the room, minding my own business. It was Snoopey’s doing. Poor Lady Human.

Me:        I think it’s turning blue, right there by my little toes.

Stella:    Which foot?

Me:        Can’t you see it?

Stella:    I don’t see colors all that well. Oh, there! That spot does look different now. I will lick it and make it feel better.

Me:        Thanks, but no thanks. That won’t help a bruise.

Stella:    Bulldog tongues help everything. And Snoopey is rude and careless. I know she has big feet, but she should keep them under control. No toe stomping! It gives bulldogs a bad rep!

Me:        Rep? You know what a rep is?

Stella:    Sure. It’s what people say about you and believe about you. Bulldogs have a great rep for tenacity and tenderness and looking ferocious but being all cool and whatnot. We do not need to be known as toe stompers.

Me:        It wouldn’t have happened if I had been wearing boots.

Stella:    Oh, knowing Snoopey and her big feet, it would have happened. It just wouldn’t have hurt so much. Where are your boots?

Me:        In my closet.

Stella:    I will run and get them.

Me:        Ow! Stella!

Stella:    Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your feet were in my way. You should be more careful where you put them.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.


The Hallelujah Breakfast Club

As a hurrier through life, I have skipped breakfast more often than I have eaten it. My run out the door seldom routed a swing through the kitchen. When my last job ended, I decided to make a change and started each morning with a simple, healthy breakfast. That sounds more wholesome than it usually is. Honestly, the definition of “healthy” shifts based on cravings and what happens to be available in the refrigerator.

As the early riser/recently unemployed, I took over the feeding of the bulldogs and their morning bathroom runs. I stepped into the den where every dog slept and they jumped to their feet in anticipation. “At last, this lady has come to feed us and let us out to pee.”  That was my interpretation. They didn’t vocalize it. They said it with their stomping feet. The whole room vibrated and rumbled like a bulldog percussion section. Sixteen dancing, pounding feet celebrated being alive, and hungry.

So we started sharing breakfast time together. Within a short while, I joined them in the morning celebration stomp and dubbed the daily event “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club”. I even made up a little theme song for it. (I will not burden you with the details.)

Once the food bowls were distributed, the persistent sound of chomping filled the room. My satisfaction at that sound surprised me. Humans may smack when we eat, but by and large, we are quiet consumers. Bulldogs don’t hold back. They enjoy eating and they let everyone know it. I was glad that they were glad. And I was happy that I was the one privileged to fill their bowls.

The Hallelujah Breakfast Club turned what could have been a lonely, mindless chore into a feast and the thing that made it so was an attitude. I could have chosen to be down or burdened or distracted or annoyed, but the noise of their silly bulldog feet pounding out “good morning” welcomed me to a different point of view – a joyful one. I don’t skip breakfast anymore if I can share the time with a bulldog. They know how to enjoy a good meal.

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 KJV


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.