Floor Licker – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My manners are fastidious. That’s what Lady Human says. I don’t know what fastidious means, but it sounds great! Just like me. I am fastidious.

Me:        Well, you don’t lick the floor.

Stella:    So not fastidious people lick the floor?

Me:        No, but non-fastidious dogs do.

Stella:    Oh, like you-know-who. And the other you-know-who. And the other you-know…

Me:        Like every bulldog I know, except for you.

Stella:    They are simply not fastidious like me.

Me:        I understand licking a spot where food has fallen, but Wiggles, for example, licks random spots that have no rational relationship with food.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I know because no food has fallen in those spots.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I can look at the floor and see.

Stella:    Pffft! It’s not what a floor looks like that counts. Humans are so silly. Smell, Lady Human. Millions of nasal receptors, Lady Human. The floor smells like…what is one of those places that sells lots of food all at once?

Me:        A smorgasbord?

Stella:    What? No!

Me:        A buffet?

Stella:    Mmmm. No.

Me:        A grocery store?

Stella:    That’s it! But please introduce me to those other food places I’ve never heard of when you get a chance. What other secrets are you withholding from me?

Me:        I can’t begin to explain.

Stella:    Well, well, so hidden smelly spots on the floor are not the only mysteries here.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

The Things I Don’t Need List, Part 2 – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        To continue with the list of things I don’t need…

Stella:    Exactly.

Me:        What?

Stella:    Your list. We don’t need it.

Me:        To continue…I don’t need anyone chewing on the fencing.

Doodlebug:        Me. That was me.

Me:        I figured that out. I don’t need for the gate to be all torn apart.

Doodlebug:        Oh, I can’t tear it all apart at once. It’s going to take lots of chewing and ripping over a long time.

Me:        Next item. I don’t need for any bulldogs to lick the back door.

Snoopey:   If we don’t do it, who will?

Me:        It doesn’t need licking. It is a door.

Wiggles:   Yes, it is.

Tiger:     A wonderful, lick-able door.

Miss Sweetie:   I prefer the inside.

Me:        No one is listening to me, are they?

Stella:    No. We were listening to the crunchy sound of Doodlebug chewing on the gate.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Baths – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. May I state for the record that I personally hate baths? Of course, I may. I am the Queen. I may do anything I wish.

Me:        No, you may not.

Stella:    Pardon the interruption. Lady Human has once again inserted herself into my business.

Me:        I have an objection to make.

Stella:    Please go on. Be as objectionable as you wish.

Me:        I am not the one objectionable today. Today I am objecting to Snoopey and Wiggles and Miss Sweetie. They have been licking my feet and legs.

Stella:    Here, let me see what your legs and feet taste like and I will be able to tell you why.

Me:        Noooo!

Stella:    How do you expect me to help you when you won’t let me see what the attraction is? Maybe you taste like sirloin steak. If so, can you blame them?

Me:        Sirloin steak? None of you has ever tasted sirloin steak.

Stella:    And why is that, Lady Human? Hmmmm?

Me:        Bottom line, I am not a lollipop. I don’t need to be licked like one.

Stella:    They were giving you a bulldog bath. That’s all. Probably trying to help you out with your weird and busy day.

Me:        I could use help in other ways. Besides, now that they have given me a tongue bath, I have to take another bath.

Stella:    How insulting! And after all the effort they went to. Are you saying that their tongues are dirty?

Me:        Yes. I am stating that categorically.

Stella:    Fine. Now hear this, Bulldogs! Stop licking on Lady Human. She does not appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. But she is now on her own when it comes to baths.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Pedicures Bulldog Style – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four bulldog feet. Please leave them alone.

Me:        I am not fooling with your feet tonight, Stella. I am fooling with mine.

Stella:    Why would you fool with anybody’s feet? That sounds like you are playing a joke. Feet are serious business.

Me:        I am dealing with my own feet right now.

Stella:    Ew! What horrible thing is that?

Me:        It is a tool that trims off dead skin. I have a callous on one foot. I have had for a long time.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        It may be the way I walk on that foot. It may be the shoes I wear.

Stella:    Then don’t walk that way. And don’t wear shoes. I don’t and I am doing just fine.

Me:        I wouldn’t get far without shoes. Human feet aren’t built like dog feet.

Stella:    Another way in which dogs are superior to humans.

Me:        Excuse me?

Stella:    Of course. Always. Bulldogs are very forgiving. Wait. Are you going to put that stinky stuff on your toes? Because I might not forgive that.

Me:        Nail polish?

Stella:    Yeah, like the stuff you paint on the walls, only it smells worse.

Me:        I don’t think so tonight.

Stella:    Okay. Well, that’s good. I don’t like the smell, but if I have to, I can always lick it off. That is one good thing about human feet. They are incredibly lick-able. Delicious.

Me:        No, Stella, that’s not why I do pedicures.

Stella:    So long as you don’t wear socks. Bare feet are great.

Me:        Cold weather will dictate my sock wearing habits.

Stella:    That’s all right. If they are loose enough, I can just pull them off and lick away.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Rampage – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and here we are again at the Bulldog Rampage. I will be calling the action except for when I am chasing the cat. Coming out of the chute in order are…

Me:        Whoah! Bulldog Rampage? Not again!

Stella:    Of course, again. All right, everybody get ready. Lady Human interrupted. In order, here they come! Sweetie, Wiggles, Doodlebug, Snoopey…Snoopey…Snoopey!

Snoopey:   What?

Stella:    Rampage time!

Snoopey:   Nope.

Stella:    Why not?

Snoopey:   I’m tired.

Tiger:   You can leave me out, too. I refuse to rampage with Snoopey.

Stella:    Didn’t you hear? Snoopey is sitting out.

Tiger:   Well, in that case, I’m really sitting out. She’s not better than me.

Stella:    Fine! Here they come! Sweetie, Wiggles, Doodlebug! And me! Where is that cat?

Miss Sweetie:   Up on Tall Man’s chair! Now up on the couch! Run! Run! Uh-oh!

Stella:    Sweetie is off to a fast start with two pieces of furniture under her belt and a great sideways floor slide. Scrambling back up on her feet, she’s made it to the trash in the kitchen!

Me:        Noooo!

Stella:    Meanwhile, Doodlebug got off to a slow start, but he is making up for it by head slinging drool all across the room as he runs. Not missing a beat! Great distribution! Now where’s that cat?

Me:        She heard you coming. Rampaging is hard to hide.

Stella:    Wiggles is bringing up the rear, but she is well into her comma dancing. Real style! She shows that a bulldog does not have to jump on furniture, dig in the trash, or sling drool to rampage.

Wiggles:   Trash? There’s trash? Let me at it!

Me:        Whoah again! My legs are standing here!

Miss Sweetie:   Beep! Beep! I haven’t jumped on your chair yet! Woo-hoo!

Doodlebug:   Awww. I’m all out of drool. Let me lick my way through.

Me:        Noooo! Wet everywhere!

Stella:    Not a problem, Lady Human. It will dry. Now, where’s that cat?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.