Floor Licker – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My manners are fastidious. That’s what Lady Human says. I don’t know what fastidious means, but it sounds great! Just like me. I am fastidious.

Me:        Well, you don’t lick the floor.

Stella:    So not fastidious people lick the floor?

Me:        No, but non-fastidious dogs do.

Stella:    Oh, like you-know-who. And the other you-know-who. And the other you-know…

Me:        Like every bulldog I know, except for you.

Stella:    They are simply not fastidious like me.

Me:        I understand licking a spot where food has fallen, but Wiggles, for example, licks random spots that have no rational relationship with food.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I know because no food has fallen in those spots.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I can look at the floor and see.

Stella:    Pffft! It’s not what a floor looks like that counts. Humans are so silly. Smell, Lady Human. Millions of nasal receptors, Lady Human. The floor smells like…what is one of those places that sells lots of food all at once?

Me:        A smorgasbord?

Stella:    What? No!

Me:        A buffet?

Stella:    Mmmm. No.

Me:        A grocery store?

Stella:    That’s it! But please introduce me to those other food places I’ve never heard of when you get a chance. What other secrets are you withholding from me?

Me:        I can’t begin to explain.

Stella:    Well, well, so hidden smelly spots on the floor are not the only mysteries here.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Get the Dog Smell Out – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is washing big pieces of cloth in her big, noisy machine. It is annoying. I wish it would stop. Dare I ask?

Me:        Nope.

Stella:   Please.

Me:        Nope. Has to be done.

Stella:    But why? It just goes on and on and on and on…

Me:        I have to wash all this stuff to get the dog smell out.

Stella:    Dog smell? Like what I smell or what I smell like?

Me:        What you all smell like.

Stella:    Are you saying that I stink? Are you saying that you don’t like the way I smell? Awwww. My smell is me. If you don’t like my smell, you don’t like me. Awwwww.

Me:        Not the same.

Stella:    Yes, the same. How can I separate me from what I smell like?

Me:        I could give you a few more baths.

Stella:    Some other way.

Me:        I can do what I’m doing right now. Wash everything. Now that you and Snoopey are both sleeping in my room, I have to wash your bedding…and mine pretty often. When I walk into my room, I want it smell more like me than like you.

Stella:    Wrong choice.

 

 

 

 

Copyright  2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running in Circles – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has another in her endless list of questions about dog behavior. I am sure it is not important, but I humor her because…you know… treats.

Me:        Is that all I’m good for?

Stella:    No. No. No. Yes. No.

Me:        I get it.

Stella:    I love you, Lady Human. And I love treats. And I love food. So…what’s your question?

Me:        Snoopey spent the longest time this afternoon circling around before she…

Stella:    Just say it. We all know what it is.

Me:        Before she…

Stella:    POOPED! No big deal. We all do it.

Me:        Okay. She circled and circled and circled and made figure 8’s and squares before she finally settled on a spot to…

Stella:    Say it!

Me:        Poop.

Stella:    Sounds pretty normal to me. What’s the problem?

Me:        All the places she circled looked the same to me. I don’t understand what she was looking for.

Stella:    Not looking for. SMELLING FOR.

Me:        Okay. What was she smelling for?

Stella:    Ask her.

Me:        Don’t all dogs understand other dogs?

Stella:    In general, yes. In specifics, no.

Me:        Help me. I want to understand.

Stella:    She could have been scenting one of the other dogs and she didn’t want a used place. She could have been scenting the grass or the leaves and nothing smelled right. She could have been scenting for one of her own old places and somebody else had come by and used it and messed it up. Maybe she is just confused. Maybe she is too particular. Maybe she…

Me:        Okay. I get it. It could have been anything.

Stella:    Yeah, but it wasn’t. The tall spring plants out in the yard freak her out. They weren’t there last year or the year before and she thinks that they are giants and that they will trap her.

Me:        Really?

Stella:    Yeah. Actually, none of us like them, though I tolerate them because they tickle my belly.

Me:        Really.

Stella:    Yes, they make me giggle. Ask yourself, Lady Human, if tall green plants were growing in your bathroom spot all of a sudden, wouldn’t you circle around until you found a less tickly spot?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Watch Where You Step

Pooper scoopers are one of the truly great inventions of the past century. They are a real necessity if you have more than one bulldog. Or even if you have only one bulldog. With one-handed operation, the pooper scooper “bites” the poop from off the ground. The same hand can open it and dispose of the poop in the trash receptacle of your choice without direct contact. Done and done!

Of course, I have seen a bulldog accomplish the same thing, only the poop doesn’t get deposited in a trash can. Wiggles is particularly adept at poop disposal. I won’t go into details. Suffice it to say that every once in a while she darts away and refuses all orders to return until, well, she returns “empty-handed”, so to speak. Also good at trash diving, Wiggles is our waste disposal specialist.

Poop scooping aside, we still have to watch our step in the yard. Dogs can be selective about their bathroom spots and go out of their way to stay out of our way. A couple of ours prize convenience. They step out the door, walk a few feet, sniff the air, and say,”Yep! Here!”

I have learned to watch my step, even away from the bulldogs. If I’m not paying attention, it’s way too easy to “step” into something that is nasty and smells bad. And that odor follows you around until it gets washed off, sometimes with a power hose.

And if you aren’t careful, you can smear that mess onto other people and things. I remember when I was very young, we were leaving my grandparent’s house. I was all dressed up and was wearing a beloved red coat. Once in the car, we started noticing an odor and pretty quickly, my parents discovered that I had stepped in dog poop. It was on my lovely, little patent leather shoes and ON MY RED COAT!

Everything had to be thoroughly cleaned. I never looked at my red coat quite the same way again. And I had no idea that I had stepped in something stinky until we got closed up with it.

Pooper scoopers can’t handle a lot of the filthy stuff that gets left in our paths. For that stuff, we have to watch where we step.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.