The Saw Monster is Loose – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stay away! Stay away! Everybody stay away!

Me:        There’s not a problem, Stella.

Stella:    Yes, there is! The Saw Monster is eating a tree.

Me:        Well, everyone should stay away from the backyard until the tree trimming is done. That’s true.

Stella:    The Saw Monster is loose! Beware! The Saw Monster is loose! Oh, no! Tall Man is out there! Warn him!

Me:        If you’ll notice, Tall Man has hold of the…what did you call it? The Saw Monster. It is a tool that he uses to trim the trees.

Wiggles:   I need to go potty.

Me:        That’s going to have to wait a little until he is finished with the tree. That limb he cut off was stretching way out over the yard. He was concerned that it was going to crack and fall on one of us some day. He is cutting it away and chopping it up, so nobody gets hurt.

Tiger:   Won’t the tree be hurt?

Me:        No, it’s a pecan tree. Pecans self-prune all the time. It was only a matter of time before it dropped that limb. It has done it before.

Miss Sweetie:    I think we should thank Tall Man for saving our lives.

Me:        I think so, too.

Miss Sweetie:    I don’t want any ole tree dropping anything on me, unless it is something to eat.

Doodlebug:   If any old tree dropped anything on me, boy, it’d be sorry. I’d just eat that ole tree up myself.

Miss Sweetie:    Hush up, Doodle. You don’t know anything about trees.

Stella:    Or Saw Monsters. Watch out for Saw Monsters. How do we know that Tall Man is all right out there? I hear the Saw Monster going to town.

Me:        He is wearing protective equipment, even chainsaw chaps on his legs in case the saw slips.

Stella:    The saw can slip? I told you he should not be out there by himself! Everybody, get ready to charge. We’re taking over! The humans do not know what they are doing!

Me:        Nope! Nobody is going anywhere. No interference. You will stay in here where it is safe until he is finished.

Wiggles:   What about potty?

Me:        I’ll take you out on the other side of the yard. Nobody will miss potty time.

Stella:    You’d better believe it. No Saw Monster is cutting into my bathroom break.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Let a Friend Stand in the Rain Alone – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is raining.  It has been raining a lot lately. Announcement: I do not potty in the rain.

Snoopey:   Me either.

Tiger:     Me neither.

Miss Sweetie:    Why is Lady Human standing outside in the rain?

Wiggles:   Maybe she is taking a shower. Use rain. Save water and what the humans keep calling ‘money’.

Stella:    Lady Human is a human lady. She does not take baths outside. I don’t understand why. It seems to be a thing with humans to bathe indoors.

Me:        Come on, y’all.

Doodlebug:   She is calling us to go stand in the rain with her. Is that a good idea? I don’t think so.

Stella:    No! Did you hear that big kaboom? I don’t go out when the kabooms are going off.

Tiger:     Why is she standing out there? I thought humans were smart.

Me:        C’mon. It’s not raining that hard yet.

Stella:    What does she call ‘hard’?

Snoopey:   Should we just stand here like this? Shouldn’t we go outside and stand with her?

Doodlebug:   So we can get wet?

Wiggles:   She just wants us to go to the bathroom, so we can be comfortable.

Miss Sweetie:    I am going to stand with her. She should not be out there by herself.

Snoopey:   I would go, but I am afraid the rain will make me melt.

Tiger:   I will wait for the sky to stop spitting.

Doodlebug:   I am going to take a nap. Dry.

Wiggles:   I am going out with you, Sweetie. Nobody should stand in the rain alone.

Stella:    Oh, very well. I’ll go, too. If someone is willing to stand in the rain for me, I should be willing to stand in the rain for them. Hurry. Let’s run between the raindrops.

Me:   Okay. Well, if you are coming out, I’m going in.

Stella:    No! Traitor! You fooled us! What about camaraderie?

Me:        Camaraderie?  Are you kidding? It’s raining!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Do Cats Get An Indoor Toilet? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, dogs of any type really, are forced to go outside to potty, while humans and… ugh…cats get to go to the bathroom indoors. Even our parakeet, Pearl, is allowed to potty inside. This is horribly unfair, especially on bad weather days. Dogs are expected to endure heat, cold, rain, snow (whatever that is), ice (whatever that is), hurricanes, tornadoes, thunderstorms…

Me:        Okay, we get the picture. By the way, we have never had a hurricane here. By the time they get here, they’re some rain and a strong breeze and little else. And, if we do have a tornado or two or sixteen in one day like we had a few years ago, we don’t send anyone outside.

Stella:    If cats are allowed to use the toilet inside on all occasions, why aren’t we?

Me:        Think about that for a minute. Cats have an instinct to use a box or a hole and to cover up what they do. Bulldogs, on the other hand…

Stella:    Hey, I wipe my feet every time I potty.

Me:        I know. If I gave you each a litter box, would you all really use it?

Stella:    Hmmm. I would have to say…Nope, definitely not. Nope. Not bulldoggy enough. Too confining. You will never take our FREEDOM!

Me:        So, you will continue to potty outside? For the freedom?

Stella:    Of course, when you put it that way. Cats don’t know what they are missing. But then again, cats always have a warm potty.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running in Circles – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has another in her endless list of questions about dog behavior. I am sure it is not important, but I humor her because…you know… treats.

Me:        Is that all I’m good for?

Stella:    No. No. No. Yes. No.

Me:        I get it.

Stella:    I love you, Lady Human. And I love treats. And I love food. So…what’s your question?

Me:        Snoopey spent the longest time this afternoon circling around before she…

Stella:    Just say it. We all know what it is.

Me:        Before she…

Stella:    POOPED! No big deal. We all do it.

Me:        Okay. She circled and circled and circled and made figure 8’s and squares before she finally settled on a spot to…

Stella:    Say it!

Me:        Poop.

Stella:    Sounds pretty normal to me. What’s the problem?

Me:        All the places she circled looked the same to me. I don’t understand what she was looking for.

Stella:    Not looking for. SMELLING FOR.

Me:        Okay. What was she smelling for?

Stella:    Ask her.

Me:        Don’t all dogs understand other dogs?

Stella:    In general, yes. In specifics, no.

Me:        Help me. I want to understand.

Stella:    She could have been scenting one of the other dogs and she didn’t want a used place. She could have been scenting the grass or the leaves and nothing smelled right. She could have been scenting for one of her own old places and somebody else had come by and used it and messed it up. Maybe she is just confused. Maybe she is too particular. Maybe she…

Me:        Okay. I get it. It could have been anything.

Stella:    Yeah, but it wasn’t. The tall spring plants out in the yard freak her out. They weren’t there last year or the year before and she thinks that they are giants and that they will trap her.

Me:        Really?

Stella:    Yeah. Actually, none of us like them, though I tolerate them because they tickle my belly.

Me:        Really.

Stella:    Yes, they make me giggle. Ask yourself, Lady Human, if tall green plants were growing in your bathroom spot all of a sudden, wouldn’t you circle around until you found a less tickly spot?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.