Bulldoggy Chores Are #1 – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    Lady Human, what are you doing?

Me:        I am working on an arrangement that will make it easier for the cat to…

Stella:    Oh, nothing important then. That’s what I thought. Stop doing that and start doing this.

Me:        Start doing what? Stella, I am busy here.

Stella:    Just with cat stuff. I need my toys washed and arranged. My water bowl needs to be cleaned. And I think my breakfast bowl this morning was not as full as usual so please check into that. Oh, and I was scratching a while ago and shed some hair behind my crate so that needs to be swept up. And Miss Sweetie drooled and snooted on the floor over there so break out that strong smelling stuff you use to wipe up messes. And…

Me:        Woah, hold up there, Horsey! Just a cotton pickin’ minute! Who is in charge here?

Stella:    I have been wondering about that for a long time now.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Oh My! What a Nice Gift??? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Illustrious Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogge Nation, am here to make a rare apology today to our Humans, Lady Human and Tall Man, for the inconsiderate gift that two of our pack, Wiggles and Miss Sweetie, presented last night.

Me:        Yeah, it was unexpected and, to be perfectly honest, it was kind of gross.

Stella:    You are being excessively polite, Lady Human. It was not kind of gross. It was grossly gross, the grossest of the gross, gross squared, if I understand the word ‘gross’ and my math is right.

Me:        Your math is better than mine.

Stella:    It was a rat. A dead rat with a ginormous long tail. And they laid it just outside the back door so that it was the first thing that could be seen like ‘oh, look what we found and we are giving this wonderful dead thing to you! Aren’t you proud and happy?’

Me:        It’s no big deal, Stella, really. It’s all been cleaned up now.

Stella:    And it wasn’t even a fresh dead rat.

Me:        That’s all right, too.

Stella:    When giving a rat, it should at least be fresh.

Me:        No harm done. I am only sorry that they found it first and we didn’t.

Stella:    If they wanted to give you a gift, they could have gone out on Black Friday and picked out something nice that you really wanted, like more dog toys for us or a new big bag of dog treats. But no, they scavenged around the yard and brought you a nasty, stale rat. A trespassing rat. It’s bad enough to have the squirrels, raccoons, and possums tromping around. NOW HERE THIS, ALL RATS! IF YOU WANT A PLACE FOR YOUR ETERNAL REST, DO NOT COME HERE! GO DOWN BY THE CREEK. IT IS A SHORT WALK. IT IS PEACEFUL AND NO ONE WILL SMELL YOU DOWN THERE. OR IF THEY DO, I WON’T HEAR ABOUT IT. I AM QUEEN STELLA. THAT IS ALL!

Me:        Thank you, Stella.

Stella:    Of course. It is still the Thanksgiving celebration, is it not? Now, back to eating.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Thanksgiving Aftermath – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Once upon a time, yesterday, I, Stella the Illustrious, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, decreed that the Humans have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING with lots of excessive eating. I am sorry to report that our humans did not carry out my orders.

Me:        How did we not carry out Thanksgiving? We celebrated Thanksgiving. We gave thanks to God. We gave you all extra treats. We ate. Lots. Abundant desserts. Potatoes. Cornbread dressing.

Stella:    And where was this feast?

Me:        Well, at a family friend’s house.

Stella:    Not here.

Me:        No.

Stella:    So, we bulldogs missed out. Why couldn’t we go? Was it a bulldog-free zone?

Me:        Yeah, they have a dog-aggressive bully breed and there were a bunch of small kids. Space was limited.

Stella:    Are you saying we are fat?

Me:        Never. Y’all are bulldog stocky. Outside dogs were not invited. Sorry.

Stella:    You came in with bags and bags the other day. Where is our feast?

Me:        We still have lots of food and we will share with you. Judiciously.

Stella:    Is ‘judiciously’ a word that means we don’t get any?

Me:        No, ‘judiciously’ means that we won’t feed you too much or feed you stuff that will likely make you sick.

Stella:    Okay. It’s a deal.

Me:        Are you still thankful?

Stella:    Yes, because even though we could not share your Thanksgiving dinner today, we will thankfully consume all the rest of your abundance in the days to come. Thanksgiving is not limited to one day.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s Thanksgiving Proclamation – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Illustrious and Noble Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby declare tomorrow to be Happy Thanksgiving Day, the Great Feast Day of the Humans Who Call Themselves Americans. Let the excessive eating begin.

Me:        Thank you, Stella…

Stella:    You see! My decree is already having an effect.

Me:        Actually, the official Thanksgiving Day Proclamation goes back over a century and a half, so you are a little late.

Stella:    A century and a half. Is that like yesterday afternoon?

Me:        Not by a long sight. A century is a hundred years. To put that in perspective, you are 3 years old.

Stella:    How can that be? I have been me forever.

Me:        Time is a strange thing. Tell me, for what are you giving thanks?

Stella:    I haven’t thought about it.

Me:        Just off the top of your head.

Stella:    I haven’t got anything on the top of my head. Not even a crown for which I am still waiting patiently – hint, hint. Nothing is on the top of my head…Except hair.. And my ears. All right. I am thankful to the Great Creator for my hair and for my ears.

Me:        That’s not exactly what I meant.

Stella:    Off the top of my head, I am thankful for my head. I am thankful that it is a bulldog head. Any other head would look weird on my body. And I am grateful to the Great Creator that the food keeps coming and I know it is from Him because humans are so forgetful. If He did not remind them, they would neglect to buy it.

Me:        That makes me grateful to the Great Creator, too, for His reminders.

Stella:    And I am grateful for Thanksgiving Day because it is a day of food and there are few things in the world that bulldogs like better than food.

Me:        Happy Thanksgiving, Stella.

Stella:    Happy Thanksgiving, Lady Human. Now where is my feast?

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I Am So Mad and I Like It! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Lady Human!

Me:        That’s me! What? No long introduction about who you are?

Stella:    There is no time! I am highly offended and I can’t let this nasty feeling wear off!

Me:        Why do you want to hold on to a nasty feeling?

Stella:    Being angry feels good.

Me:        Yeah, sometimes. Until it sours your stomach. Dare I ask why you are offended?

Stella:    Whether you ask or not, I will tell you. MOON THE CAT!

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Me:        What about her?

Stella:    She looked right at me, right in the eye, and said…listen to this! She said, ‘MEOW!’ Aaaaaghhh! I am so mad!

Me:        I am not good at interpreting cat dialects. That sounds like the same thing she says every day. Why is this different?

Stella:    It was a cat insult and she meant it! MEOW! She shouted it! How would she feel if I said, “Hey, cat! How dumb are you!” Right in her face! On television, I saw humans carrying signs and marching in the streets. I want a sign, Lady Human! I want to march around the cat, carrying a sign that says, ‘Cat, shut up!’ and ‘No More Meows!’

Me:        All right. This is going to sound like a lecture, but why don’t you just forgive her and go on with your life?

Stella:    She yelled MEOW at me. That’s a fightin’ word.

Me:        I figure every word a cat says to you is a fightin’ word. But not every word is worth fighting over. Why don’t you try walking up to her and saying something nice?

Stella:    Like what? ‘Hey, Moon, your face isn’t as ugly today as it usually is.’

Me:        Maybe something kinder like ‘Hey, I like the way you can jump up on tall things.’

Stella:    I don’t like that. I never know when she is going to pounce on my head.

Me:        She has never done that. I think you have blown this whole thing out of proportion.

Stella:    Easy for you to say. She has never yelled MEOW in your face. You just wait. One of these days I am going to yell MEOW right back at her. Then we’ll see who out-cats who.

Me:        Stella the Bull-cat.

Stella:    What did you call me?

Me:        Nothing.

Stella:    Aw, the nasty mood is fading. I knew it wouldn’t stay around.

Me:        Aren’t you starting to feel better?

Stella:    Yes. It’s terrible. I really wanted to carry that sign.

Me:        Sorry, Stella. You’ll just have to wait until the next time.

Stella:    Will there be a next time to be offended?

Me:        Sadly, there always is.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Humans Are Hogging The Food – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. Yes, I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I am also their watchdog. I am here to report that humans are food hogs.

Me:        I beg your pardon.

Stella:    As indeed you should.

Me:        What food are we humans hogging?

Stella:    All of it except the little dabs that you put in our bowls.

Me:        Again, I beg your pardon…

Stella:    Be patient. I am still considering it.

Me:        You each receive the same amount, the recommended amount so you are neither too fat nor too lean. So there.

Stella:    Why is it that humans eat all day long and well into the night when we only get fed once a day? You have breakfast AND lunch AND supper AND a whole string of treats AND special drinks in addition to water. Lady Human, I protest. We bulldogs are deprived.

Me:        You don’t look deprived.

Stella:    Are you calling us ‘fat’?

Me:        No, I am calling you healthy and well-fed.

Stella:    And how about you?

Me:        I… maybe should cut back on a few things.

Stella:    Cut back means only 6 meals a day and 3 treats?

Me:        All right. Maybe more than a few. I don’t eat 6 meals a day.

Stella:    You haven’t been keeping count. We can help. You can share your hoarded food with us. We will be happy to gobble it up to help you stay healthy the way you help us to stay healthy – by depriving us of 6 meals a day.

Me:        I still think you’re wrong about the 6 meals a day.

Stella:    I have 4 paws. Each paw has 4 toes. This paw plus these 2 toes makes 6. If you start eating more than 16 meals per day, I must start using my tail, my two ears, and my two bulldog upside down vampire fangs. Please don’t make me count higher than 21. I will run out of parts.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Is Black Friday and Will There Be Treats? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen…YES, I SAID ‘QUEEN’ AND I MEANT IT… of the Olde English Bulldogges. Did I mention that I am Illustrious and Noble and Right Honorable? And I still do not have a crown. When will you remedy that, Lady Human?

Me:        I’m not sure. Maybe on Black Friday.

Stella:    What is Black Friday?

Me:        A big shopping day for humans the day after Thanksgiving.

Stella:    And when will that be?

Me:        Next Friday, a week from tomorrow.

Stella:    Not soon enough! I have been patient for months. Wait! Why is it called ‘Black Friday’? Is it because all the crowns sold on that day will be black? I WANT A GOLD CROWN WITH JEWELS! You will have to wait for Gold Friday if that is the case.

Me:        No, it is called ‘Black Friday’ because that is the day when many businesses see their first profit for the year. Profits used to be recorded in black ink and losses were recorded in red ink.

Stella:    Humans are weird.

Me:        I admit it. Sometimes we are.

Stella:    So, what do humans do on Black Friday? Can bulldogs do it, too?

Me:        It’s probably not a good day for bulldogs to be shopping with humans. The crowds are thick and people are rushing around trying to get good sales and specials that only last for a few hours. Humans become tense about those things.

Stella:    Are there treats?

Me:        Some, here and there. I used to go shopping with my girls on Black Friday and we would always stop to get some coffee or pastry or breakfast.

Stella:    Me! ME! ME! ME! Coffee! Pastry! Breakfast!

Me:        Yeah, but then one time, I knelt to tie my youngest child’s shoe and I got a look at what she was seeing. While from my point of view, everything was fun and exciting and colorful and lit up, all she was seeing was…

Stella:    A bulldog’s view. Lots of human feet and knees and giants walking past with their big shopping bags swinging past her head.

Me:        Yes, exactly. From then on, I stayed away from big crowds and rushing people and we went places during the holidays that were quieter and calmer and more on her level. Once she was older, we could enjoy the holiday rush together.

Stella:    I will never be as tall as a human. I will never be tall enough for Black Friday.

Me:        Don’t feel down, Stella. There are other things that you can enjoy. How about this? On Black Friday, you and I can go to the feed store where I get your treats. Dogs are welcome and there won’t be a crowd.

Stella:    Really? Do they have bulldog toys? Will children be there? How about that old man in the fluffy red suit?

Me:        I can’t promise all that.

Stella:    Oh, well then. Never mind. I will just stay home and take a nap.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Who Your Advisers Are Says a Lot about You – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges, hereby announce my appointments for my personal cabinet.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    The humans are doing it. The humans are not better than I am. If they get to have advisers, so do I.

Me:        What if these advisers recommend something you disapprove?

Stella:    Then they’re fired! Boom! There! I said it! You heard me!

Me:        Okay. Who are you appointing?

Stella:    First of all, Snoopey will be Secretary of Defense and Chief of Bulldog Security.

Me:        Why Snoopey?

Stella:    She is First Barker. Whenever there is a strange noise or unknown threat, whether it exists or not, she is on her feet, barking her head off. To be honest, Snoopey is our pack leader. That is hard for me to admit, but if the pack needs to be defended, Snoopey is the one who will do the job. Not me.

Me:        But you are the Queen. I have seen you hold your own against all the bulldogs.

Stella:    I can make my point clear. I am a peacemaker. But Snoopey cares for all the bulldogs, even the ones who challenge her. She would sacrifice herself to save others.

Me:        Very well. That sounds reasonable. Who’s next?

Stella:    Tiger will be Assistant Secretary of Defense.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    When she was attacked by that dog in her old place, she learned what it meant to fight, to defend, and to lose. She almost died.

Me:        I know. We experienced her battle to recover but not her first battle.

Stella:   She told me about it. She said that she learned defense is as important as offense. She wishes that she had known that from the beginning.

Me:        Still she has picked fights with Snoopey.

Stella:    It is hard for a warrior to sit on the sidelines.

Me:        I understand. Who is next?

Stella:    Wiggles. Ah, poor Wiggles. Sweetest dog ever.

Me:        I know that you don’t like it when we say that. But you must admit she is sweet.

Stella:    Well, she is a good dancer. I can appoint her Secretary of the Arts.

Me:        She can dance and make everybody feel more relaxed, calmer.

Stella:    I can also appoint her Secretary of Eggs. The hens push eggs toward her when she paws at them.

Me:        Yes, she does have a way with the chickens.

Stella:    Finding the right dog for the right job. I do not envy the humans.

Me:        That leaves Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie.

Stella:    Those sillies! I have the perfect jobs for them. They can be president and vice president. I don’t even know what those jobs are so they can’t be too important.

Me:        Which one will be president?

Stella:    Which one weighs more?

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

No Accounting for Human Taste – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Once again, I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        You aren’t “once again” Stella. You are always Stella. It’s not like you stopped being Stella and then became Stella again.

Stella:    Why are you being so picky?

Me:        I am not being picky.

Stella:    Then you are being snappy. Why?

Me:        I am not being snappy.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. I know picky and snappy when I hear it. Do you need a nap? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have missed one of my 14 daily naps.

Me:        I don’t need a nap.

Stella:    Did you eat breakfast? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped breakfast.

Me:        I did not skip breakfast.

Stella:    How about lunch? Did you miss that? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped lunch.

Me:        I did not miss lunch! Leave me alone!

Stella:    Now that was just plain rude. Are your feet itchy? When I am picky and snappy and rude, it is usually because my feet are itchy. Here! Let me lick them the way I lick mine. It helps.

Me:        No, my feet are not itchy. Please don’t lick them!

Stella:    Picky, snappy, and rude, but not sleepy or hungry or itchy. I give up.

Me:        I’m sorry, Stella. I have misplaced something and it has me frustrated.

Stella:    Did you misplace a bulldog?

Me:        No, nothing so important as that.

Stella:    Good, because I just counted and we are all here and if you had misplaced a bulldog, that would mean you had a secret bulldog we did not know about.

Me:        In fact, what I have misplaced is of no real importance at all and yet I am all wound up about it. I keep looking in all the places it could be, checking and rechecking.

Stella:    What is it? The other bulldogs and I can search for it, especially if it smells bad.

Me:        It doesn’t and it’s not important.

Stella:    We want to help. What is it?

Me:        Just a paper bookmark.

Stella:    That’s easy. What does it look like?

Me:        It has some colorful drawings on it. It’s no big deal. I’ll come across it eventually.

Stella:    Drawings of what?

Me:        Just forget it.

Stella:    Drawings of what? No… not SQUIRRELS!

Me:        No, not squirrels.

Stella:    Whew!

Me:        Cats.

Stella:    Mwaaah! What? Eeewww! Better off lost! Why cats? Who wants pictures of cats? I can’t believe it. Why not dogs?

Me:        They didn’t have any of dogs. They were sold out.

Stella:    Of course, they were. Everyone wants dogs. Well, offer of help is hereby withdrawn. As for your cat bookmark, I hope you don’t find it.

Me:        Now who’s being rude.

Stella:    All I can say is that, if I find it first, I will let you know what colorful paper cats taste like! DOGS FOREVER! No, Lady Human, don’t look sad. I love you despite your bad taste. I won’t chew up your ugly cat bookmark. My bulldog slobber all over it will be enough.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What Is That Terrible Stink? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. Allow me to repeat that – QUEEN! As queen, I should not have anything assault my nose. Ever.

Me:        What is the problem?

Stella:    There is a terrible stink.

Me:        Well, you know…bulldogs. Hellooo!

Stella:    I already said hello to everyone. And what does stink have to do with bulldogs?

Me:        Is that a real question, Stella?

Stella:    This stink hit me in the face when I came into your room.

Me:        I don’t smell anything peculiar.

Stella:    Let me be brutally honest. The stink is coming from you, Lady Human.

Me:        What? I showered. I put on clean clothes.

Stella:    It is your skin.

Me:        I rubbed on some essential oils. That’s all. No perfume.

Stella:    220 million dog nose receptors can’t be wrong.

Me:        220 million, huh. That’s a lot.

Stella:    I don’t know what 220 million means, but I know it is more than four. Four is the number of one paw’s worth of toes. How powerful are human noses?

Me:        Hmmm…5 million.

Stella:    Don’t be embarrassed about your weak nose, Lady Human. Be embarrassed about stinking so badly.

Me:        Essential oils don’t stink. They may be overpowering to you, but not to humans.

Stella:    Please warn me before you use them again.

Me:        I will if you will forewarn me about bulldog gas leaks.

Stella:    I can make no promises. Our gas leaks surprise even me most of the time.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stay Away from Political Parties! There is No Popcorn! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    My Lady Human is exhausted. She has not slept as long or as well as she should have these past few days. Thus, everything she has done for us, the Olde English Bulldogges of Bulldoggy Nation, has been done…well, partially, slowly, and not very well.

Me:        Stella, are you complaining about me?

Stella:    Just giving the facts, only the facts. You stayed up too late the other night with your Political Party nonsense and now everyone is suffering for it. If it was no fun, why did you keep politicaling. It does not sound like a party to me.

Me:        Politicaling? I don’t think that’s a word.

Stella:    It is now. I say so.

Me:        And a political party is not like a fun party.

Stella:    Then why attend?

Me:        I didn’t. It kind of foisted itself on me.

Stella:    Then you tell Mr. Foisted to cut it out. You have bulldogs depending on you and he can keep his Political Party invitations to himself and he had better not come around here anymore or he may find out how bulldogs got their reputation. Nobody messes with my Lady Human!

Me:        Thank you, Stella.

Stella:    That’s right. Our breakfast schedule is too important to be messed up by political partying. Now go to bed and get some sleep and no more politicaling…ever.

Me:        If you say so.

Stella:    If you humans had me as queen, you wouldn’t have to put up with elections and parties would not be a problem. Think about it.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

 

 

Midnight Hour – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    Lady Human, what are you doing up so late? Shhh! All the bulldogs are asleep.

Me:        You are a bulldog and you aren’t.

Stella:    I am a queen. Queens stay up to watch over their subjects.

Me:        It’s true. I have found you sitting up long after the others are snoring.

Stella:    You don’t stay up this late.

Me:        No, but I wasn’t sleeping well and I had a pain in my foot. I got up to take some aspirin.

Stella:    Your foot? The one that Tiger stomped on?

Me:        I don’t remember…

Stella:    The foot that Wiggles stomped on?

Me:        Maybe…My feet get bulldog stomped a lot.

Stella:    The foot that Snoopey stomped on?

Me:        Probably. I only have two and Snoopey stomps a lot.

Stella:    The foot that I stomped on? I’m sorry about that. It’s just that your human feet are so big. They stick out in front of me and it is hard to avoid them when I am hustling. Wait! Is that Human Election Nonsense over?

Me:        The voting is over. I don’t know if it is ever truly over.

Stella:    Are the loud humans quiet now?

Me:        Loud humans never quiet down completely.

Stella:    True. Humans don’t seem to know how to be quiet. They talk and talk and talk and say very little, mostly blah, blah, blah.

Me:        The Great Creator made our mouths and gave us tongues for speech. I think we don’t use them wisely as He intended.

Stella:    You should not stay awake and worry about the silly humans even if you are one yourself.

Me:          Silly or human?

Stella:     Both. There is no real difference. You don’t see the bulldogs sitting up all night.

Me:        No, they are sleeping soundly. It’s wonderful to watch dogs at peace.

Stella:    We like it when our humans sleep in peace. Hey, you can sleep with all of us. I will watch over you, too.

Me:        Thank you for the offer, Stella. I believe I can go to bed and rest now. You’ve reminded me that we all have Someone watching over us. Good night.

Stella:    Good night, Lady Human. Oh, and just because you stayed up late doesn’t mean that our breakfast can be one minute late in the morning. No slacking off.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Stella’s Bedtime Story – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans! I am Queen Stella. Turn down the lights. Silence all loud noises. This bedtime story is for you. You need calming down. You have all been tense for months and Lady Human says that tomorrow is the Official Day of Election Nonsense. Since humans are full of nonsense most of the time, I don’t understand why tomorrow is more nonsensical than other human days, but I will take her word for it. After all, she is human and should know.

Me:        May I close my eyes and listen?

Stella:    As you wish. Now we begin.

Once upon a time this time yesterday, a sweet, smart bulldog named Stella was baking a meat pie.

Me:        You aren’t going to change the main character’s name?

Stella:    Listeners must be silent.

Me:        Sorry.

Stella:    Where was I? Oh, yes. Sweet, smart Stella was baking a wonderful, spicy meat pie. All the bulldogs sniffed the air to catch the aroma. Everyone sat still, quiet and nodding sleepily. She pulled the pie from the oven and set it on the floor where the bulldogs could reach it. As it cooled, the bulldogs dreamed of the magic pie and how good it would taste.

Me:        Magic pie?

Stella:    It is food, isn’t it? Now close your eyes and be quiet and calm down. It was peaceful, so peaceful when SUDDENLY, IN THROUGH THE WINDOW BURST A FLYING SQUIRREL!

Me:        What?

Stella:    The squirrel whirled around the kitchen, clawing on each pass at the bulldogs and the precious meat pie. Sweet Stella stood up to defend her kin, transforming into FLYING STELLA, SQUIRREL FIGHTER. She reached into the pie and pulled out a piece of carrot. She threw it out the window in front of the food-stealing squirrel and slammed the window shut behind him. No squirrel was going to get away with her pie!

Me:        This is a bedtime story to calm people down?

Stella:    Think of defeating a flying squirrel at his own game. That always calms me down. Doesn’t it you?

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Blame Me! It’s the Human’s Fault – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella Bella McStarFace ING (that’s Illustrious, Noble, and Great to you), Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        That is quite a mouthful.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. I can handle it.

I, Queen Stella, on behalf of all my bulldogs, do hereby disclaim any and all responsibility and liability for damage by bulldog(s) to property that the humans foolishly leave around the house or in the yard. Humans, you knew that we were bulldogs when we arrived. If property is chewed, licked, destroyed, eaten, splintered, moved, slobbered on, used as a platform, used as a bed, pooped on, peed on, clawed, shredded, or otherwise bulldogged, be it on your own heads.

Me:        Have you been talking to a lawyer? You are bringing this up because of the back door, aren’t you?

Stella:    Back door? What back door?

Me:        Yeah, that’s almost what happened.

Stella:    Your fault. If you didn’t want it chewed or clawed, you should not have left it in front of a bulldog.

Me:        A back door? There’s no other place to put a back door except…at the back door.

Stella:    Your fault. Humans are clever beings. Find someplace else.

Me:        And what about the fragmented gate and the broken boards on the fence?

Stella:    Your fault. Who decided to build those things out of wood? Don’t you realize what a tempting and delicious target wood is for a bulldog?

Me:        Humans say that whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 4 fingers pointed back at you.

Stella:    Silly humans. Look at my paw. Four toes all pointed the same direction. At you! Therefore, your fault!

Me:        We are in the process of making repairs. Meanwhile, can you encourage the main chew hounds to stick with…well, anything that is not part of the structure of the house?

Stella:    I will mention it. I make no promises. Why do we need a back door anyway?

Me:        Raccoons, possums, skunks, rats. SQUIRRELS!

Stella:    No! No squirrels in my house! Ever! Where is that back door? Is it shut? Is it locked? Is it guarded? Hey, bulldogs! Leave the back door alone! The humans may know what they are doing after all.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Tell Me Why – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am the Olde English Bulldogges’ Queen, Stella, the Illustrious, the Noble, the Great. The ING.

Me;        What is an “ING”, pray tell?

Stella:    Just what I said. Illustrious, noble, great. I am Stella Ing.

Me:        If you insist.

Stella:    I have a question. Or two or three or ten.

Me:        Shoot.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Why what?

Stella:    Precisely.

Me:        What is your question?

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Because you told me that you have a question or two or three or ten.

Stella:    My question is why?

Me:        I don’t know why without a what.

Stella:    Well, why didn’t you just say so?

Me:        Say what?

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Oh, no, not again. You can’t simply ask ‘why’ without a subject behind it. For example, you could ask, “Why is the sky blue?” or “Why is the moon round?”

Stella:    Okay. Start with those.

Me:        Well, the sky is blue because of sunlight refraction that shows us that part of the spectrum….

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Uh-oh. I think this is headed nowhere fast.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        As I suspected. My kids used to play this game. I’ll do now what I used to do back then. Punt.

Stella:    What is punt?

Me:        It is a football term. When one team has used up its chances to move the football at least 10 yards on one possession, they can choose to kick the ball as far as they can to the other team and so get the ball away from their territory.

Stella:    So ‘to punt’ means ‘to give up’.

Me:        No, it means to get a breather and regroup.

Stella:    Very well. Punt.

Me:        Okay, here goes nothing. Why?

Stella:    What?

Me:        I just punted to you.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        What?

Stella:    And I just punted back to you. Aren’t those the rules to this game?

Me:        Apparently, they are now. Hey, Stella, how about a treat?

Stella:    Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Is this how you used to play the game with your human puppies?

Me:        Not exactly. I usually offered them ice cream.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paws-itivity – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Noble and Illustrious Queen of the Old English Bulldogges. I added that “noble” part in myself.

Me:        If you keep adding titles, we may run out of room for anything else.

Stella:   Today I have a list of my special gifts that remind me of how valuable I am and make me feel good about myself.

Me:        Is there ever a time that you struggle with feeling good about yourself, Stella? You seem self-assured overall.

Stella:    When I am hungry, I feel like an empty sack. That’s because, when I am hungry, I am an empty sack.

Me:        You are never an empty sack.

Stella:    I am an empty sack of bones, blood, muscles, and air.

Me:        Air? Oh, you mean lungs.

Stella:    No, I mean the air bag that is my empty stomach. And that is when I call to mind my Gifts List and remind myself:

I am the cleanest bulldog in the world. Dirt does not dare stick to me.

Me:        You’re pretty clean, all right, but the cleanest in the world…

Stella:    Silence! Do not interrupt the List!

I am pretty, oh so pretty! So, everybody else, shut up!

I am super smart! So what if I can’t open a stupid door like Doodlebug!

I am the sweetest dog ever! No other dogs need apply. That means you,                              Wiggles!

I am courageous and the terror of squirrels. They flee when I appear. What do                   they do when you appear, Snoopey? Nothing! You do not inspire fear!

Me:        Stella, I notice that for every positive…

Stella:    Paws-itive. As in I have four of them. One. Two. Three. Four.

Me:        Oh, all right. Anyway, your affirmations always end in something negative. How does that help?

Stella:    I have enormous competition from the other bulldogs. You don’t know what it’s like being queen. They are constantly like “Why don’t you do this?” or “Why did you do that?” or “Why are you so short?” or “You don’t run very fast.” or…

Me:        I get the idea.

Stella:    It is so difficult being queen over your sisters and nieces.

Me:        Would it help if I gave you some affirmations that were just about you?

Stella:    Maybe…

Me:        You are beautiful, Stella Bella.

You are the kindest soul on four legs that I have ever met. (Please don’t tell the                    other bulldogs I have met.)

You are more interesting than most humans I know. (Please don’t tell the other                    humans I know.)

You make our lives richer just by being near us.

You are the perfect size and shape for you.

You move at just the right pace, not too fast, not too slowly.

You are brave and I am proud of you.

Say those to yourself. Don’t worry about what the others think. Does that                         help?

Stella:    Did you mean all that, Lady Human?

Me:        With all my heart.

Stella:    Then when I say it, I will mean it, too.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.