I, Illustrious Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogge Nation, am here to make a rare apology today to our Humans, Lady Human and Tall Man, for the inconsiderate gift that two of our pack, Wiggles and Miss Sweetie, presented last night.
Me: Yeah, it was unexpected and, to be perfectly honest, it was kind of gross.
Stella: You are being excessively polite, Lady Human. It was not kind of gross. It was grossly gross, the grossest of the gross, gross squared, if I understand the word ‘gross’ and my math is right.
Me: Your math is better than mine.
Stella: It was a rat. A dead rat with a ginormous long tail. And they laid it just outside the back door so that it was the first thing that could be seen like ‘oh, look what we found and we are giving this wonderful dead thing to you! Aren’t you proud and happy?’
Me: It’s no big deal, Stella, really. It’s all been cleaned up now.
Stella: And it wasn’t even a fresh dead rat.
Me: That’s all right, too.
Stella: When giving a rat, it should at least be fresh.
Me: No harm done. I am only sorry that they found it first and we didn’t.
Stella: If they wanted to give you a gift, they could have gone out on Black Friday and picked out something nice that you really wanted, like more dog toys for us or a new big bag of dog treats. But no, they scavenged around the yard and brought you a nasty, stale rat. A trespassing rat. It’s bad enough to have the squirrels, raccoons, and possums tromping around. NOW HERE THIS, ALL RATS! IF YOU WANT A PLACE FOR YOUR ETERNAL REST, DO NOT COME HERE! GO DOWN BY THE CREEK. IT IS A SHORT WALK. IT IS PEACEFUL AND NO ONE WILL SMELL YOU DOWN THERE. OR IF THEY DO, I WON’T HEAR ABOUT IT. I AM QUEEN STELLA. THAT IS ALL!
Me: Thank you, Stella.
Stella: Of course. It is still the Thanksgiving celebration, is it not? Now, back to eating.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.