Month: September 2021

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am waiting, Lady Human.

Me: Waiting for what?

Stella: My third bedtime cracker.

Me: You’ve already had three.

Stella: Uh, I think not. I have only had two.

Me: No, you had all three. I set them out before you got into bed.

Stella: If I had three, that third one sure went by in a blink of an eye and missed my mouth entirely. Lady Human, can you count to 3?

Me: Uh, yes, I can. One…two…three…

Stella: ‘Cuz if you can’t count to 3, that’s all right. I’ll be happy to take over that task for you.

Me: I’d like to see your definition of three.

Stella: I am sure it will be more generous than yours.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me: What? Oh, MoonCat! Get out of that! That’s Wiggles’ food!

Wiggles: And I thought MoonCat was my friend.

MoonCat: Me love dog food.

Stella: Talk like a bulldog. “I love dog food.”

MoonCat: That’s what me said.

Stella: Ugh, CATS!

Me: Moon, your food is over there where it always is. If you eat Wiggles’ food, she won’t have enough.

Wiggles: Waaahhh! She put her cat mouth in my special bowl. Now I don’t feel like…mmm, this is pretty good anyway. Never mind.

Stella: What kind of an establishment is this when anyone can walk in and start eating our food? You just lost another star in your rating, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles: Ruff argh ruff ruff!

Me: Ruff ruff ruff arghhh!

Stella: What is going on?

Me: Wiggles is barking at me so I am barking back. Let’s see who wins.

Wiggles: I bet it will be me. You aren’t experienced at this sort of thing, Lady Human. Argh argh ruff.

Stelka: One question. Why?

Me: I asked Wiggles that and she wouldn’t tell me so ruff ruff ruff ruff!

Stella: You’ll have to speak plainer than that, ma’am.

Wiggles: You shouldn’t try speaking a second language until you have practiced more. You just sound silly.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no, not already. Please say it ain’t so, Lady Human!

Me: It’s 5:30 in the morning. It’s pitch black outside, not even a glimmer of dawn. Doodlebug! This is an indecent hour for breakfast!

Doodlebug: No hour is indecent for breakfast. Sweetie agrees.

Me: Sweetie is snoring.

Doodlebug: Give me a second. I’ll convince her.

Me: Okay. Okay. Breakfast. Here.

Doodlebug: Is this all? Where’s the special stuff?

Me: This is all there is right now. The kitchen is closed.

Doodlebug: Well, my stomach is never closed. You need to rethink those kitchen hours, ma’am.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved

Doodlebug:

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I am scared.

Me: How come? What’s wrong?

Stella: Don’t you hear them? The voices? But where are the humans?

Me: Oh, those are part of a Zoom meeting I’m in right now. They aren’t here.

Stella: This is weird. I hear them. How can I hear them when they aren’t here?

Me: The miracle of modern technology.

Stella: Then modern technology is a scary thing.

Me: Yep.

Stella: Should I whisper?

Me: No. I have us muted. They can’t hear us unless I want them to.

Stella: Should I bark?

Me: Nope. Not unless you want to hurt my eardrums.

Stella: Never. So those people are not coming to our house, right?

Me: I hope not. Not without telling me first and getting my permission.

Stella: It’s MY permission they would need.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch it, Doodle!

Me: Hey, bud, those are my feet you’re treading on!

Doodlebug: Gotta run! Got to! Got to! Got to! Charge!

Me: Boy, he’s wired.

Stella: Have you been supercharging his food?

Me: No. Same ole food. If I had supercharged food, I’d be eating it myself.

Doodlebug: Here I am again! Coming through! Watch your feet! Where’s my snack?

Me: Here.

Doodlebug: Mmmm….good. Now I’ll just…snore…

Me: How does he do that? If I could, I’d bottle that energy and sell it.

Stella: But, Lady Human, then you’d have to recharge Doodlebug with one of those long, snaky wire things you plug into the walls, and that would not turn out well at all.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s that wonderful aroma?

Me: Special food. Just a little bit left from the other day.

Stella: From a can? Mmmm…the good stuff. I knew it couldn’t be something you cooked, Lady Human. You don’t cook much and, when you do, well…

Me: Thank you, Stella. I’ll remember that come the holidays.

Stella: As long as you remember to bring us something somebody else cooked.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is going on here, Lady Human?

Me: Nothing. A little glitch. I didn’t pick up y’all’s dog food the other day and when I did go to get it, their system was down and I couldn’t check out, so…

Stella: You had ONE job, ma’am! And you couldn’t get that done. What else do you do around here all day?

Me: Well, there’s…

Stella: Do not make excuses to me! ONE job! And now there’s no…hey, what is that?

Me: A substitute food until I can get your regular kind. It’s only for a day.

Stella: It smells nice. But that is no excuse for…hmm, it is kind of tasty…

Me: See, not so bad…

Stella: Only for a day, you said? I’ll allow it this time. And next time. In fact, forget that other stuff. Let’s stick with this.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, where are my feet?

Me: I don’t know. Where did you leave them?

Stella: I’m not kidding.

Me: Neither am I. Did you check the ends of your legs? ‘Cause that’s the first place I would look. Stella, why are your paws tucked under your body?

Stella: Is that where they are?

Me: Uh, yeah. And it’s not because they’re cold because it’s 98° outside.

Stella: Oh, there the little boogers are! What a relief.

Me: For all of us.

Stella: This reminds me of when all the thick, cold, white stuff was all over the ground a hundred years ago.

Me: That was 6 1/2 months ago.

Stella: That’s what I said. Remember how our feet disappeared every time we took a step.

Me: I remember.

Stella: This was like that. Feet disappear, then they come back. Good ole feet.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.