Month: November 2021

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. So…

Me:  So?

Wiggles:  Uhb…

Me:  Uhb? What’s going on?

Stella:  We are patient.

Wiggles:  To a point.

Me:  So am I…

Stella:  And so?

Me:  Oh, you think it is cracker time.

Stella:  It is.

Wiggles: Past time.

Stella: We always get crackers at this time every day.

Wiggles:  Every day.

Me: Okay. Okay. Here are crackers.

Stella: Late, but better than nothing. If we can’t count on evening crackers, what can anyone count on?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. No! No! NO! Not again! Noises, Lady Human! Stop them!

Me:  What? What’s going on?

Stella: It is the middle of the night. SLEEP TIME!

Me:  Yep. You’re right. But the only noise I hear is your…okay, wait.

Stella:  You hear it? The Queen never lies and is never wrong.

Me:  Well, I wouldn’t go quite that far, but you are right…

Stella:  Of course, I am. There it is again. What is that?

Me:  It’s one of the alarms chirping.

Stella:  Alarms. Should I be alarmed?

Me:  No. Just annoyed.

Stella:  Too late. I’m already annoyed.

Me:  That sound means ‘low battery’ and, naturally, it chose 2 a.m. to let us know. We missed changing the batteries in that one. I bet I know which one. Yep. One of the carbon monoxide alarms.

Stella:  An alarm CHOSE to wake us up for no good reason!

Me:  Figure of speech.

Stella:  If that thing is smart enough to beep when its power is low, how come it’s not smart enough to beep at a decent hour?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. So where is it, Lady Human?

Me:  Where is what?

Stella:  You know what. I heard humans talk about it for days and days on end. Today is Food Day. Food Day means food. So where is ours?

Me:  Today is Thanksgiving Day. It is about more than food.

Stella:  That’s not what I heard. I heard turkey and ham and meat.

Me:  We aren’t having any of that this year. This year is simple. Regular food. Quiet. Lots of thanksgiving.

Stella:  To the Great Creator.

Me:  Yes. That’s what this day is really about.

Stella:  Okay. But it’s also about food.

Me:  That’s one way people celebrate.

Stella:  Good. Because food is how bulldogs celebrate. Glad we’re on the same page. Now where is ours?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And here we go again! Lady Human! It’s dark, like really dark. The sun isn’t even peaking at us.

Me: I know. I’ll take care of him.

Stella:  Can you give him one of those timekeepers humans are always checking?

Me: Doodlebug, it’s too early for breakfast. Again.

Doodlebug: My stomach clock cannot be wrong.

Stella:  Wanna bet?

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, just go ahead with breakfast.

Me:  It has set a bad precedent. First, it was 5 a.m. Then it was 4 a.m. Now it’s 3 a.m.

Doodlebug: Right on time! Go ahead with the food, ma’am. You know that’s how it’s going to end up anyhow.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. Hello. Lady Human. Hello.

Me:  Stella, do you know what time it is?

Stella:  Do I look like a human who focuses only on a little black box in my paw?

Me:  It’s sleep time.

Stella:  Then how come you’re awake?

Me:  Yes, how come? How about we both go back to sleep?

Stella:  Hey, Lady Human. Hey. Hello. Hello.

Me:  Stella, you are a persistent little cuss.

Stella:  Is that something I get extra treats for?

Me:  No, ma’am.

Stella:  Is that something I get to play with?

Me:  No, ma’am.

Stella:  Then it doesn’t sound like it is worth much of anything to be a persistent little cuss. I will try again in a few minutes……Hmmm, hmm, hmmm hmmm hmmm…Lady Human. Hello. Hello.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Wiggles is sneezing all over the place. She won’t stop it and I told her to.

Me:  Wiggles, what’s that sticking out of your nose?

Wiggles: Nothing. Ahh-CHOO!

Me: Let me see. Ew. Hold on. Be still. I’ll get it out.

Stella:  Why were you hiding a stick in your nose?

Wiggles:  I don’t know where that came from.

Me:  Maybe from you snooting around in the dirt?

Wiggles:  No, I was just minding my own business and it flew into my nose.

Me:  Mmmm, somehow I doubt that.

Wiggles: Lady Human, I know my own nose. Things are always trying to get into it. It’s just that wonderful a place.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! A weird noise is coming from Sweetie. I think she is broken.

Me:  Sweetie? Stop wolfing your food. You sound like…

Miss Sweetie:  Gobble. Gobble. Gobble. Sound like a what? Do I sound like a wolf? ‘Cuz that would be cool.

Me:  No, you sound just like a turkey.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, no. But don’t humans eat those? OH, NO! What’s going to happen to me?

Me:  Don’t worry. Nobody is going to mistake you for a real turkey. But you sure sounded like one there for a minute. Just eat a little slower.

Miss Sweetie: Should I wear a sign that says, “I am not a turkey.”

Stella:  Believe me, nobody is going to mistake you for a big chicken. Unless you put one of those red floppy hats on your head and let your tongue hang all the way out of your mouth. And keep on making that weird gobbley noise.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is disturbing my peace?

Me:  Give it here, Doodle!

Doodlebug:  No, I found them fair and square.

Me:  Carboard is not a good toy for you.

Doodlebug:  Then why did you leave them for me to find?

Me:  I didn’t leave them for you. They are…or should I say were…part of a project I was working on.

Doodlebug:  Cardboard tastes delicious.

Me:  Well, it all seems to be here so you didn’t swallow any of it.

Doodlebug:  I can go ahead and finish that now.

Me:  Nope. Besides, you just had dinner.

Doodlebug:  A cardboard dessert would be nice.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ah, comfortable at last.

Me:  Maybe you are. Can you move over?

Stella:  Hmmm?

Me:  Stella, I can’t even get into my own bed. There is something wrong with this picture.

Stella:  Not from where I am.

Me:  Okay, you are like a 65-pound boulder in the middle of my narrow bed. I can’t move you. I can’t roll you. Do I need to get a bulldozer?

Stella:  What is a bulldozer?

Me:  It’s a huge piece of equipment that moves large amounts of stuff.

Stella:  It sounds charming. While you’re getting yours, get one for me, too. Then I can move you off my bed.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Dirt, Lady Human! Dirty dirt!

Me:  And what else is new?

Stella: Look at Wiggles!

Me:  Oh, Wiggles. What have you been rubbing your face into?

Wiggles:  Nothing.

Me:  Here. Let me wipe it off.

Wiggles:  No, thank you.

Me:  Let me wipe your nose rope. Oh, look at that. Mud. Were you collecting this stuff for some reason?

Wiggles:  My face just picks stuff up and keeps it.

Stella:  Bulldogs are great savers, Lady Human. You should try it sometime.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, MoonCat is acting like a…cat. It is very disturbing.

Me:  Looks normal to me.

MoonCat: Meow.

Stella:  She’s licking her paws and wiping her face with them.

Me:  I’ve seen you do something similar.

Stella: Never.

Me: She’s just grooming her whiskers.

MoonCat: Messy food.

Stella: Cats are so prissy. Washing their faces. Grooming their whiskers.

Me:  I know. I know. They should be more like bulldogs.

Stella:  They could never hope to aim that high. We are efficient creatures. If we get food on our faces, we just let it stay until later when we need it.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Speed up, Lady Human! MoonCat is out running you…AGAIN!

Me:  Honestly, we are not racing.

Stella:  Don’t ever let a cat know that you can’t run as fast as she can. She will never let you forget it. She will always be running ahead of you and getting to her food bowl first and…well, cats should not be allowed to think they are faster than you are. That’s all.

Me:  Did you lose a race with MoonCat?

Stella:  Lady Human! What a wild idea! Bulldogs never lose anything to cats. If they did, what would the world be coming to?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As representative of the pack, I have certain demands, Lady Human.

Me: Oh, boy, here we go.

Stella:  First, more meals.

Me:  You each get three meals a day. That is plenty. Anymore and you may bloat.

Stella: Also double the food at each meal.

Me:  Your meals are carefully measured. Doubling your food will turn you all into tubbies that won’t be able to fit through the doors.

Stella: So what’s the problem?

Me: The answer is no. Is that all, Your Majesty?

Stella:  I’m just getting started. More treats. And they have to be bacon.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  No nail trimming.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  No ear cleaning.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  I’m glad we agree.

Me:  We don’t.

Stella:  It’s been nice negotiating with you, Lady Human. Always a pleasure getting our way.

Me:  Hmmmph. Bulldogs.

Stella:  Yep.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, come here. It’s time to go out.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Uh, yep. It is. Why not?

Stella:  Bulldog.

Me:  That is not an excuse for not doing what I say.

Stella:  Of course, it is.

Me:  All right then, if you’re not going to go out, at least finish your meal.

Stella:  Nope.

Me: Whyever not?

Stella: Bulldog.

Me:  Not an excuse. Also, it doesn’t answer my question.

Stella:  Don’t have to answer because…bulldog.

Me: Oh, all right. Have it your way. I still say ‘bulldog’ is not an excuse.

Stella:  It’s worked pretty well for me thus far.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.