“Coffee? To stay awake? Why would anyone want to stay awake? Take a nap.”
Welcome to Simpleton – Coffee Anyone?
To Sunbathe or Not to Sunbathe – Conversations with Sweetie
Me: Sweetie, you need to come in now.
Sweetie: Why? The sun is bathing my skin.
Me: It’s too hot, hon. Come on in.
Sweetie: I believe I’ll just sit here a little while longer. Have a seat, Lady Human. Have a sunbath. No sense wasting the sun.
Me: I don’t need the sun baking my brain.
Sweetie: It might make your brain work better.
Me: No, it won’t. It’s way too hot to be sitting out here in the sun on purpose. You need to come in because I said so.
Sweetie: Worst reason ever to do anything. I think I’ll just sit here…oh, wait, okay, that’s it. Done. I’m coming in now.
Me: Oh, now you’re coming in. What changed?
Sweetie: My bulldog brain timer just went off and said DONE. You humans really should get a brain timer, Lady Human. I’m concerned you might stay out in the sun too long.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Be a Bulldog!
“There comes a time to stand your ground. Be a bulldog!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Turn Off the Heater – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, something is wrong.
Sweetie: Lady Human! You forgot to turn your heater machine off!
Me: The heater is not on. It has not been on for months and months.
Doodlebug: Then humans must have fouled something else up.
Me: Oh, no doubt.
MoonCat: Meow. They are complaining because it is hot and their silly bulldog faces are steamy.
Me: That’s why I have set fans all around and the ceiling fans are going full blast along with the A/C window unit.
Sweetie: Not good enough.
Me: Well. I can add some ice cubes to your water.
Doodlebug: Yes, do that, please. What flavors do you have?
Sweetie: Make mine cheese flavored.
MoonCat: Make mine tuna cubes.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Sun Clothing
“When the day is hot, it’s more fun if the sun wears a cloud.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Don’t Change a Thing – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something is different. I don’t like it.
Sweetie: My chair! My big blue chair! It was over there where it belongs and now it’s over here where it doesn’t belong.
MoonCat: Meow. Why, oh why, Lady Human?
Me: It’s a small adjustment.
Sweetie: Small nothin’!! I used to be able to walk there. Now I have to move over two steps.
Doodlebug: And there won’t be as much room to track mud into the room now.
MoonCat: But if you are sitting there, Lady Human, you will be closer when I eat and we can talk.
Sweetie: Closer to the cat’s food? Oh, yeah! I see that now. Never mind. Leave it in its new spot. Since it’s my chair anyway, I can help MoonCat with her leftovers.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Time Keeper
“The sun keeps time the best. It is never too fast or too slow. And it never runs out of sand.”
Tyranny of the Clock – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
And I am Sweetie, Queen of all dogs everywhere.
MoonCat: Meow.
Me: Why haven’t y’all eaten your food?
Doodlebug: It was served way too early.
Me: I brought it at the same time I bring your afternoon meal every day. 3 p.m. The clock doesn’t lie.
Sweetie: Clock? What is “clock” and why is she telling me when to eat?
Me: A clock tells time in hours, minutes, and seconds.
MoonCat: Meow. Sounds complicated.
Doodlebug: Yeah, my stomach tells me when to eat. Simple.
Me: Well, the clock tells me when to do things. It’s a tyrant.
Sweetie: Another weird human word. What is a tyrant?
Me: A tyrant is an oppressor that orders everybody else around.
Doodlebug: Oh, why didn’t you say so? I understand now.
Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human! It’s a perfect description of you. You’re a clock!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Stretch!
Go ahead and stretch. You just may get there.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
A Bob-what? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something’s wrong. Lady Human! There’s a weird scent on the air!
Me: Yeah, Tall Man just told me he heard a bobcat growling nearby. Heads up!
Sweetie: A cat named Bob? Who would do such a thing? And we already have a cat around here so…nope!
Me: A bobcat is a wild animal, way bigger that a house cat like MoonCat.
MoonCat: Yeah, leave me out of this. I do not now nor have I ever associated with wild cats of any size. And not about to start.
Doodlebug: I can deal with it.
Me: No, sir, you can’t. Bobcats climb fences and they hunt small animals.
Sweetie: Well, I’m not small so that leaves me out.
Me: Not really. I say again, Heads up! I’ll be going outside with you for the time being. It will probably move on back into the trees by the creek. It won’t like the presence of humans.
Sweetie: So you are good for something, Lady Human! I knew we would find out what it was sooner or later.
Doodlebug: I still don’t know why someone would name a cat “Bob”.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Guard Your Bark
“Hold on to your bark. Trying to catch loose barks is like a bulldog trying to catch a flying hawk with a torn butterfly net. Too little, too late.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Write Out Loud! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing, Lady Human?
Sweetie: She is scratching a poor innocent piece of paper with her stick again.
Me: It’s called ‘writing’. I put words down on the paper in ink so they can be read.
MoonCat: Words? I don’t hear anything except the scratching. Does the scratching make you feel better? Scratching makes me feel better.
Me: Uh, different type of scratching. I guess it makes me feel better to get the words out.
Doodlebug: Sorry, Lady Human, but no words are coming out.
Sweetie: Yeah, I don’t hear a thing either.
Me: Well, scratching…I mean writing…is silent until it’s read or recited.
Sweetie: That’s kind of selfish. You should share.
Me: How would I share while I’m writing?
The Pack: WRITE OUT LOUD!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – BREATHE!
“BREATHE! And just keep on breathing. Never stop.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Fumble Fingers – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you trying to do, Lady Human?
Sweetie: Whatever it is, you make it look hard.
Me: I’m just opening a can of tuna for MoonCat. Oh, no! Fumble fingers. I just spilled some.
Sweetie: I hope you don’t expect ME to eat that. It’s been on the floor.
Me: As if that’s ever mattered to y’all before. No, I’ll clean it up.
MoonCat: Wait a moment. Don’t be so hasty.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Hey!” is Not My Name – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. DOODLEBUG. Or Doodle. Or Good Boy. Or Your Majesty. NOT “Hey!” That is for horses and goats.
Sweetie: And “Hey!” is not my name either. I answer to Sweetie, or Good Girl, or Suppertime, and that’s it.
MoonCat: Meow. And there’s no sense in calling me at all. I’LL CALL YOU!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Safer on the Outside
“There’s something going on here that doesn’t meet the eye.”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 