Month: October 2020

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am scared, Lady Human.

Me:  How come?

Stella: There was something walking down the road. It was tall and walked on two legs, but it had the head of a…

Me:  What? The head of a what?

Stella:  It was horrible. HORRIBLE!

Me:  Stella, what was horrible?

Stella:  A two-legged monster with the head of a CAT!

Me:  Oh, that was just someone wearing a costume. It is a special day for that sort of thing.

Stella: So it was human?

Me:  Yeah.

Stella:  What about the one that looked like a bat?

Me:  Yep. Human.

Stella:  And all the princesses holding bags?

Me:  Yeah, all kids looking for candy give-aways.

Stella:  That’s a relief! I thought they were trying to replace me as queen.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing on the floor, Lady Human?

Me:  Cleaning up some of your discarded hair.

Stella:  Save it! We can glue it back on.

Me:  Why?

Stella:  So I won’t have bald spots like Wiggles does every winter.

Me:  It’s not a big deal. The hair grows back.

Stella:  But she has naked sides until it does. I don’t want naked spots.

Me:  You shed evenly so you don’t ever have naked spots.

Stella:  I still think you should save my floor hair just in case.

Me:  You shed enough hair to make a new dog every week and that’s only a slight exaggeration.

Stella:  Then don’t save my shed hair! Throw it all away. You are not allowed to make new dogs! That’s just crazy! And scary. And weird.

Me:  And not something I can really do. Remember?

Stella:  Oh, yeah. Whew! At least that’s good news.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ahhh. I am resting comfortably after a cool, rainy day of indoor naps and…hey! What was that?

Me:  What? Here, have a cheese cracker. The good kind.

Stella:  Thank you. Don’t mind if I do…hey!

Me: Have another cracker.

Stella: I get it! That’s a sneaky move, Lady Human! You trick me with belly rubs and my favorite crackers so you can snip my toenails. Well, cut it out!

Me:  l don’t see you turning down the snack.

Stella:  Of course not. What do I look like? An idiot with no crackers?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sing! Sing, trees! Sing, sky!

Wiggles:  I am singing as loud as I can. Stop trying to drown me out!

Doodlebug:  Doh doh duh doh doh DOH! I am louder than everyone put together.

Miss Sweetie:  Ah ooooo. Oh oh oh ooooo!

Me:  What is all this racket about?

Stella:  Racket? You call our singing racket? Is racket a beautiful noise that you enjoy? Because if it is, here is some more.

Me:  No, thanks. I’ve had quite enough already. Why are you all caterwauling?

Stella:  Lady Human! How dare you compare us to cats?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You sneaked out on us again, Lady Human.

Wiggles:  Yeah, I can smell the food all over you.

Miss Sweetie:  You ate without us? Awww.

Doodlebug:  Now I feel sad. And hungry.

Me:  Here’s your food.

Stella:  Where did you go?

Me:  I met a friend of mine for dinner.

Stella:  Aren’t we your friends, too?

Me:  Sure, but…

Wiggles:  But we are not good enough friends to eat with you at a human food place. Awww.

Me:  Can you imagine me walking into a restaurant with 4 bulldogs?

Miss Sweetie:  I can.

Doodlebug:  Me, too. I can see it now in my big bulldog mind.

Miss Sweetie:  What’s a restaurant? Can I go?

Me:  Come on, y’all. Be reasonable.

Stella:  Reasonable? You’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s wrong?

Me:  One of the little silkie hens has passed away.

Stella:  Skinnyhead?

Me:  No, one of the others.

Stella:  Did I cause it? Did my big bulldog face scare her too much?

Me:  No, the temperature rising and falling so much during this past week probably contributed and she was getting older. She just went to sleep.

Stella:  Like Tiger? Like Snoopey?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  This is sad, Lady Human. It makes me worry.

Me:  Not even a sparrow falls without the Great Creator. Don’t worry about the little hen. Or Tiger or Snoopey. Or us.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am tired. I am sleepy. I want to go to bed.

Me:  Okay then. Go to bed. It’s right there.

Stella:  Put up your little black box. Go to bed yourself.

Me:  I’m reading.

Stella:  Go to bed.

Me:  Okay, but after I check this out.

Stella:  Go to bed!

Me:  Oh, look at this!

Stella:  Lights out!

Me:  Hey, I’m the adult human in the room.

Stella:  Since when has that made a difference.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is unbearable! It must stop!

Me: Unbearable what? Stop what?

Stella:  It’s Wiggles. She lays around wherever. She eats whatever. She is constantly demanding attention from you, attention that rightfully belongs to me! And…

Me:  And…?

Stella:  Every time I leave the room, she scoots into my special place! Now it smells more like her than it does like me. And I like my smell better than hers. She has taken over the world!

Me:  I believe that is a bit of an overstatement. The world is a pretty big place.

Stella:  You must stop her, Lady Human! Hold one of those silly human elections of yours.

Me:  I don’t believe that would work. Wiggles just does what Wiggles wants to do. Nobody elected her.

Stella:  But I am the Queen!

Me:  Nobody elected you either.

Stella:  I elected me! That’s all it takes!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, have you finished my laundry?

Me: I haven’t even finished my own laundry yet. It’s been a busy day.

Stella:  You can never be to busy to wait on me. You are my butler.

Me:  I most certainly am not your butler. Nor am I your waitress, your servant, your…

Stella:  Lady Human, who have you been talking to? Don’t you clean up after me?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Don’t you serve me my food?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Don’t you wash my blankets and toys?

Me:  Well, yes.

Stella:  Don’t you brush my hair?

Me:  Okay, I get the point.

Stella:  No, you don’t. Where is my clean laundry? What kind of a butler are you anyway?

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Wiggles. That is all. What are you doing, Lady Human?

Me:  Cleaning up the yard. The summer plants that die need to be removed. What are you doing?

Wiggles:  Staying out here with you without the others.

Me:  This is the first time you have gotten up on the picnic table in a good long while.

Wiggles:  It is cool now. Hey, what is that noise?

Me:  Oh, just the big trash truck coming through.

Wiggles:  Hey! Everybody! There’s a big truck coming near!

Me:  Uh, I already know that.

Wiggles:  Listen! Everybody! A big truck!

Me:  Why do I need to hear this? I already know about the big truck.

Wiggles:  My big voice will warn everyone.

Me:  Yep. Oh, listen! Now the rest of the pack is up from their afternoon nap because of your big voice. There is nothing wrong and nothing to be done. Just relax.

Wiggles:  I am relaxed. I just notified the whole world about the big loud truck. Yay me!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’m put out, Lady Human.

Me:  And that is news how?

Stella:  Wiggles has too many beds.

Me:  And how many is too many?

Stella:  And number more than I have.

Me:  Let’s see. Well, you have a palace in my room and your bed and breakfast spot in the den.

Stella:  See! Two! Only two. Wiggles sleeps in her special blanketed box, in her crate, behind your big chair, beside my den bed, and, when she can make it, on your big chair. That’s one…two…three…four…five. Oh, and guess where she was this morning?  IN MY BED AND BREAKFAST SPOT IN THE DEN!

Me:  True, but she walked away when you walked in.

Stella:  There should be an equality of beds.

Me:  For Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, too?

Stella:  Well, no, they are just children. They can make do. I need to rest my weary bones. Preferably in at least five or six different places.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’ve asked before. I will ask again. Who is running things around here?

Me:  Okay. What’s the complaint?

Stella:  How do you know I have a complaint?

Me:  Because compliments usually don’t start with the words, ‘Who is running things around here?’.

Stella:  Where is my food?

Me:  You finished eating it fifteen minutes ago.

Stella:  Where did this smelly blanket come from?

Me:  You should know. It’s yours.

 Stella:  A likely story. I’m taking over the running of this establishment.

Me:  A likely story. When is this transition going to happen?

Stella:  Today…no, wait…after a good night’s sleep…no, wait…after breakfast…well, you just watch and see. I’ll get around to it.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What did you bring me, Lady Human? What? What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Me:  Nothing.

Stella:  What?

Me:  This was a wasted trip.

Stella:  Store trips are never wasted on me.

Me:  Well, this one was. I got there only to discover that I had left the money at home.

Stella:  So? What’s money got to do with it?

Me:  Sounds like a good name for a song.

Stella:  What’s a song got to do with it?

Me:  This is the way things work. Stores sell stuff for money. No money, no stuff. I forgot to put the money in my purse, so no shopping for stuff today.

Stella:  But they wouldn’t deprive a dog just because her human was silly.

Me:  It applies to dog stuff, too.

Stella:  Take the money and go back.

Me:  Maybe tomorrow. We aren’t out of anything yet.

Stella:  I am out! I am out your special store treat for your Special Stella. Next time, I will go with you and I will carry the money in my mouth, so you won’t be silly and forget it.

Me:  No, you won’t be carrying the money in your mouth. You might try to eat it.

Stella:  Only if it tastes good. Otherwise, I will use it to buy my treat.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where did you get that wonderful thing, Lady Human?

Wiggles:  Do it again. Do it again.

Me:  Stand in line. One at a time.

Doodlebug:  Me!

Miss Sweetie:  Where has that thing been all my life?

Me:  I’ve had this glove for several years. I misplaced it and just found it again.

Stella:  No more talking. More glove massaging.

Wiggles:  Do it again! Do it again!

Me:  The Great Creator gave me two, and only two, arms. If I were a spider, I would have eight, but then I wouldn’t be able to hold the massage glove…

Stella:  Let’s get that spider in here. Get more massage gloves. 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human? Lady Human?

Me:  Uh-huh.

Stella:  The little human is pulling on my hair.

Me:  You don’t like that?

Stella:  No, I do like that. But now she has some of my hair between her fingers.

Me:  Did you hear what she said?

Stella:  No, I don’t understand humanese very well.

Me:  She held three hairs up to me and said, ‘Stella’s hair’. Like it was really interesting.

Stella:  My hair is interesting.

Me:  I just wish you would hold onto more of it. I could make a blanket out of y’all’s shed hair every month.

Stella:  YES! Do that! I would love to have a blanket that smells like me.

Me:  ALL your blankets smell like you.

Stella:  Not the same thing and you know that.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you did it again!

Me:  What have I done now?

Stella:  You said you were going to Mes-keet.

Me:  Mesquite. Yes.

Stella:  You said you had to go there to get our treats because that’s the only place to get them.

Me:  Yes, and you will notice I did come back with treats.

Stella:  That’s not the only thing you brought back. Look at them skeeters!

Me:  Mosquitoes. No, I did not bring back any mosquitoes.

Stella:  Well, they are here big time. Stop going to Skeeter Town to buy skeeters.

Me:  I wouldn’t pay a single cent for mosquitoes. I guess I can’t get those treats anymore then.

Stella:  Well, wait a minute, Lady Human! Let’s not be ridiculous!

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

• 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Where is Sweetie? She should be in by now. It is getting dark.

Me:  She is sitting by the chicken house, visiting.

Doodlebug: Visiting chickens? What a waste of time!

Stella:  Yeah, chickens never have anything interesting to say. Just ‘cluck’ and ‘squawk’. They are a lot like cats that way.

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Yes, it is true!

Wiggles:  I don’t like it when bulldogs don’t want to hang around with bulldogs. Chickens are so…so…

Stella:  Feathery!

Wiggles:  Exactly.

Me:  Here’s Sweetie now.

• 

Stella:  Sweetie! What do you have to say for yourself?

Miss Sweetie:  The chickies are going to bed. So am I. Chickens know what’s important in life. Good night.

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.