“If it weren’t, I’d take a nap.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Waiting IS Work
Let’s All Bark Together – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ma’am, I’m tired of caterwauling and catcalling and turning cattywampus and headed cattycornered. Can we all have a good old-fashioned dog bark?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Sweetie: Just barking, all saying the same thing, all at the same time.
Me: Let’s do it. Everybody saying the same thing.
Doodlebug: And everybody stay in tune.
MoonCat: Forgive me if I sit this one out. No matter how hard I try, which I don’t, I simply cannot pull off a bulldog baritone.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Stop the Caterwauling! – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the humans are yelling again, hurting my ears!
Me: Mine, too! I’ve never heard such caterwauling. I’m turning it off.
Sweetie: Another bad cat habit picked up by humans.
Baby and Bud: AACCCKK! AACCCKK!
Doodlebug: Now the birds are doing it.
MoonCat: I never caterwaul. It’s beneath my dignity. Too bad the same can’t be said of humans.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cat Calls – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, the Picture Box people are mad because a cat called them. If a cat called me, I’d probably be mad, too.
Me: They’re describing a certain rude human behavior as catcalling. It has not a thing to do with real cats.
Sweetie: There go the humans talking about cats again! Dogs can make rude calls, too!
MoonCat: Why do humans blame their own bad behavior on cats? As for me, I never make random, anonymous calls. I have better manners than that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Catty Cornered – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why so many cat words? Catty cornered?
Me: Catty cornered has nothing to do with cats. It’s about diagonal positions, not cats.
Sweetie: Then why not say “doggy cornered”?
MoonCat: Give us our due. Humans like to talk about us even when they’re not talking about us.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cats and Their Boxes – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why do cats have boxes?
Me: They like them. They feel comfortable with them.
Doodlebug: Why don’t we have boxes?
Me: You’ve never been interested.
Sweetie: We could get interested. How about getting us a bathroom box?
MoonCat: Is there a litterbox in the whole world big enough for a bulldog? Stick with the great outdoors.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Everything’s Gone Cattywampus – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look at this mess!
Sweetie: Okay.
Doodlebug: I’m looking.
Me: This whole thing has gone cattywampus and I don’t know how to fix it.
Sweetie: Catty what?
Doodlebug: Wampus where?
Me: Messed up. Fouled up. Not right at all.
MoonCat: This catty didn’t do it and my wampus is just fine, thank you.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – A Different Point of View
“Maybe if I look at it from this angle, it will make sense.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Why Do Humans Play with Fire? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why did you all set that cake on fire?
Me: Birthday party.
Sweetie: So? Why be mean to a cake?
Me: We didn’t burn the cake. The candles are just a tradition. A celebration.
Sweetie: Like when you shoot fire into the air to blow up the sky?
Me: Well, yeah.
MoonCat: The humans are crazy. Hide the matches.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Turn the Air Conditioner Off – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, turn the cold box off.
Sweetie: Yeah, enough is enough already.
Me: A/C’s not on.
Sweetie: Where’s the cold coming from?
Me: The outside.
Doodlebug: Does the sky have a great big cold box in it? Why didn’t it turn on during the hot days?
Me: This is that seasonal change that happens at the same time every year. The air will be cooler now for awhile.
MoonCat: I think it would be better if we had our own buttons to turn the cold off and on in the sky. What could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Peeking! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, retract your nose. The budgies are settled down.
Sweetie: I was just checking to see what they are doing.
Me: Once the curtain is in place, no peeking. The light bothers them. Let them sleep.
MoonCat: So that’s what I’ve been needing. Lady Human, put in my order – one cat curtain, bulldog proof.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Puffed Up – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Baby the Budgie is all proud of herself. She’s puffed her feathers out.
Me: Parakeets do that for different reasons.
Baby and Bud: They’re OUR feathers, so we do what we want!
MoonCat: Sounds puffed up to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Hot Gossip Soup – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ma’am, you’ve been on that little phone box a long time.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come humans talk so much about other humans?
Me: I don’t know.
Doodlebug: Are other humans interesting?
Me: Not really that, but we do like to express our opinions.
Sweetie: Does it help to talk about humans? ‘Cuz it doesn’t help me to listen to it. Too many wordy words.
MoonCat: Mix it up, stir it real good, and out comes a yucky soup that even a bulldog won’t eat. You won’t catch me gossiping, except about bulldogges.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Canaries in the Mine – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stinky Air! Not my fault!
Sweetie: Well, this time anyway. What’s that smell, ma’am?
Me: We’ve had to have the yard sprayed for fleas. Some of the smell wafted in. I have to keep the budgies covered until it settles down.
Baby and Bud: ACCCKKK! We prefer our oxygen fresh. We will keep a nose watch.
Doodlebug: We don’t have fleas!
Me: No, but some local varmints do. Part of the price of living in this wide, wonderful world.
MoonCat: Wide, wonderful, stinky, varmint and flea-ridden world. Yes. Welcome.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Hold Your Nose
“A large nose takes a lot of holding. If there’s a stink, get started early.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Out the Wazoo – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those humans on the Big Picture Box are talking silly again. They said something was “out the wazoo”. Does that mean outside?
Me: In a way, yes.
Doodlebug: What’s a wazoo?
Me: Let me put it this way. Everyone has one.
MoonCat: Seems imminently fair to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Total Stranger – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby and Bud: Aaaccckkk! Human walking! Strange human walking through!
Sweetie: Yeah, but Lady Human let her in so it’s okay. Chill out, birdies.
MoonCat: Bet nobody else has watchbirds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Budgie House Cleaning – Part 2 – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Huuumaaaan!
Me: Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Sweetie: Look at the budgies’ house. All that cleaning you did. Where is it?
Doodlebug: They scattered seeds and shells all over the floors, theirs and ours.
Baby and Bud: Where were we supposed to scatter them?
MoonCat: I love practical minded birds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Budgie House Cleaning – Part 1 – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, stand back a little. It’s budgie housecleaning day.
Sweetie: Can I help?
Me: Yes, by standing back.
Baby and Bud: Accckk! We pooped over there.
Me: Yes, I noticed.
Sweetie: How come the birds get to poop in their house, but we have to go outside?
Me: You can’t fly.
Doodlebug: No fair. MoonCat can’t fly and she gets to go in the house.
MoonCat: Excuse me, bulldogs. I have well-developed bathroom habits. Think about trying that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
What’s Going Into Your Ears? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: She’s plugged in again.
Doodlebug: Lady Human, what goes into your ears when you plug those things into your ears?
Sweetie: Yeah, we keep our ears open so they can, you know, be ears.
Me: Right now, it’s music.
Doodlebug: Ew! No! That human screechy stuff.
MoonCat: She didn’t have a recording of bulldog screechy stuff. She had to make do.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
