“Be careful what pack you hang out with.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Dodgy Packs
Speaking of Food – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Speaking of food…
Me: Were we speaking of food?
Sweetie: Always. Humans eat different stuff all the time. Our food always looks the same.
Doodlebug: And you never eat our food, which is good because more for us.
Sweetie: Yeah, we want some different food.
MoonCat: Don’t look over here. Mine is mine.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Rights.
Food, Yes…but No Sweaters! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where’s our food? Food! Food! Food!
Me: It’s here. Y’all are food fixated.
Sweetie: Food is what it’s all about.
Me: No. Life is more than food and the body is more than clothing. Do you know who said that?
Sweetie: Clothing? Like sweaters? Life IS more than sweaters. No sweaters! No sweaters! No sweaters!
Doodlebug: Food! Food! Food!
MoonCat: And so run the one-track bulldog minds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Parakeet Tranquilizer – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that sound you are playing, Lady Human?
Me: It’s a Gregorian chant. Very old.
Doodlebug: The budgies are listening. They’ve gone quiet.
MoonCat: Maybe the Gregorians could chant more often.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Gut Reaction – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, that was a wonderful loud noise that just flew out of your mouth. Do it again!
Me: Sorry, that was a burp. Something I ate didn’t set well.
Doodlebug: We burp all the time. Here, let me show you.
Me: No need to make an effort.
Sweetie: Yeah, Doodle, you know it’s better when it comes out on its own.
MoonCat: Oh, don’t anybody hold back on my account. Better out than in, even if I have to throw a blanket over my nose.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Drawing a Blank – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why are you staring at your paper? Your ink stick hasn’t scratched on it at all.
Me: I’m drawing a blank.
Doodlebug: A blank? What does that look like?
Me: Like nothing.
MoonCat: Good. You’re already finished then.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
When Trees Flap Their Wings – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Look! Look! The little trees are full of birds flapping their wings. The birds may carry them off.
Me: No, it just looks like bird wings flapping. It’s really all the leaves shaking in the wind.
Doodlebug: So trees flap their wings, too.
Sweetie: Trees are weird.
MoonCat: They aren’t the only ones.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Be Still.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Drumming – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Make it STOP! Some human is hitting one of those boxes with one of those sticks and I can’t sleep.
Doodlebug: They call it a ‘drum’ and a ‘drumstick’, but not the kind of drumstick that humans chew on. That is very different and smells wonderful.
Me: You are hearing heavy rain hitting an empty washtub outside. It will stop when it stops.
MoonCat: Or when someone like a human brings the washtub inside out of the rain. Just a suggestion.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Copycat – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Doodlebug is trying to be me. I eat. He eats. I drink. He drinks. I sit down. He sits down.
Me: He’s copycatting you.
Sweetie: Make him stop.
Me: He’ll stop when he gets tired of the game.
Sweetie: Not fair. He’s not copycatting MoonCat and she’s a CAT!
MoonCat: I am one of a kind. Nobody copycats me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Hangnail Hangup – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby: Aaaccckkk!
Sweetie: What’s wrong with Baby, Lady Human?
Me: Nothing now. She was scratching at their curtain and a hangnail on one of her toes got stuck on the cloth. I pushed it out and she’s free.
Doodlebug: Oh, no! Toenails! Clippers! RUN, BABY THE BUDGIE! RUN!
Sweetie: Birds don’t run. They fly. Don’t you know anything? FLY, BABY THE BUDGIE! FLY!
MoonCat: Sit calmly, Baby the Budgie. Avoid all bulldog advice.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Decent Storm – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, outside business time. They say we’re likely to get a decent storm tonight.
Sweetie: A decent storm is one with no rain, no icy sky rocks, no wind shaking the trees. That kind?
Me: Not exactly. Rain, for sure, and maybe some of the other stuff, too.
Doodlebug: So really an indecent storm.
MoonCat: The bulldog vocabulary is improving. And that’s about it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Run between the Raindrops – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Rain, Lady Human…make it stop.
Me: I’m not sure I would if I could. We may need this later. And it’s not that heavy. Do what MoonCat says. Run between the raindrops.
Sweetie: I’m way too wide to do that.
MoonCat: So that’s the problem! And all this time, I thought it was because your short bulldog legs don’t get up to speed quick enough.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Nice Big Bowl of Birdseed – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, can I have…?
Me: No.
Sweetie: But I would like…
Me: No and double no.
Sweetie: You don’t even know what I was going to ask.
Me: You were eyeing the parakeets’ bowl of birdseed which thankfully you can’t reach and no, you may not eat birdseed.
Doodlebug: Just as a taste treat?
Me: Nope. You don’t see me eating it just as a treat, do you?
MoonCat: Not a good argument, ma’am. The list of things that dogs would eat though you wouldn’t would wrap around the world.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Broken
“All the pieces are still here, but how does it fit back together?”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
An Umbrella Hat – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Is the sky planning to spit on us again, Lady Human? I need an umbrella hat.
Me: Such things do exist, but I can’t imagine you keeping it on your head for more than a second.
Doodlebug: It’s not gonna be that bad.
MoonCat: Run between the raindrops. As for me, I’ll stay under the best umbrella, the roof. Better than any umbrella hat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Chasing Running Dirt – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Get it! Dirt! running! Get it!
Me: That’s a bug, not dirt.
Sweetie: Same difference! Get it, Lady Human! Get it!
Me: Aaagh! Too late! Can’t reach it. It’s gone.
Doodlebug: Why are bugs allowed in our space?
Me: They aren’t, but they don’t ask permission.
Sweetie: Not on our watch! Have you ever seen a bulldog foot come down on a bug?
MoonCat: I have. Yuck and yay!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Tail to Wag – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, that dog.
Me: What dog?
Sweetie: That dog walking down the road with that long tail.
Doodlebug: Yeah, a long skinny tail like a curved stick that he whacks against things as he passes by.
Sweetie: How come we don’t have tails to wag?
Me: You have tails and you wag them. I see you do it. They’re just not long.
Sweetie: How come? No, don’t tell me. Humans did something to our tails.
Me: Yeah. Bulldog breeding took a few bad turns through the years and your tails corkscrewed and caused you some problems, and well, long story short, you have short tails.
Sweetie: Then buy me a long tail! Humans buy everything. Buy me a long tail that I can whack on things with.
MoonCat: Oh, my, what could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Too Tall – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you are way too tall.
Sweetie: Yeah, taller than Tall Man or the tallest human ever. How ever did that happen?
Me: I’m standing on a step ladder.
Sweetie: Me, too? Me, too?
Me: No.
Sweetie: But I want to be tall.
Me: Why?
Sweetie: Ummmm, so I can reach things that I shouldn’t.
MoonCat: Ah, honesty is the best policy. And height is overrated. Look at me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Staring Contest – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, y’all, what’s going on?
Sweetie: Nothing.
Doodlebug: Nothing.
Me: You are staring at each other. I don’t want this to break out in a fight.
Sweetie: No fight. This is a contest.
Doodlebug: Yeah, who will give up first?
Me: Okay. What’s the prize?
Sweetie: Prize?
Me: Yeah, what’s the winner get?
Sweetie: Winners get something?
Me: Usually yeah, if only bragging rights.
Doodlebug: How do bragging rights taste?
MoonCat: Pretty good.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 