“Watch out for snakes under your feet. They can pop up when you’re not paying attention.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Under Your Feet
Tables Have Legs for a Reason – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, who’s been chewing on this table leg? Confess!
Sweetie: Are you sure you didn’t do it, Lady Human? We know how you like to snack at night.
Me: Absolutely not me.
Doodlebug: Well, maybe I could have…a little.
Me: Tables stand on legs. What happens if you chew a leg away?
Doodlebug: I would have to find another table to chew on.
MoonCat: Good thing that I’ve only ever chewed on things that wouldn’t be noticed for a long, long time.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Nut Chucking – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Help! Lady Human, that squirrel threw a nut on my head! How rude!
Me: Maybe it was an accident. They are “nut chunking” right now, storing up their nut piles for winter. Did you get that? “Nut chucking” versus “nut chunking”.
Doodlebug: You are playing human word games again, ma’am. But this is serious.
MoonCat: Yes, an acorn on the head should not be taken lightly.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Stick Out Your Tongue- Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what’s wrong with your tongue?
Me: Ehh. I got something stuck on it. Popcorn shell, maybe.
Doodlebug: I’ll help lick it off.
Me: No, thank you!
Sweetie: Stick your tongue way out like this.
Me: I try not to do that too often. People take it the wrong way.
Sweetie: How come?
MoonCat: Best practice: Keep your tongue behind your teeth.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Paper Staring – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Doodle, what should we do? Lady Human is staring at paper again. She should be looking at us.
Doodlebug: She calls it ‘reading’. It makes no sense to me. She doesn’t eat it. She doesn’t sniff it or play with it. She doesn’t talk to it.
MoonCat: It makes no sense to me either, but I heard her say once that the words on the paper speak to her. Let’s leave her alone. She’ll quit when the paper gets boring.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Pumpkins with Faces – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Tall Man and Little Human are doing something in the kitchen.
Sweetie: Something that involves one of those big round orange things that humans set outside.
Me: They are painting a face on a pumpkin.
Sweetie: Too weird.
Doodlebug: Why do humans waste their time painting on things they are supposed to eat?
MoonCat: I have to say I’m with the bulldogs on this one.
©️ 2026. H J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Running Late – Conversations with the Big Pack
Daylight!
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s the deal, Lady Human?
Me: Deal?
Sweetie: Where’s breakfast?
Me: It’s at 7 a.m. like always.
Sweetie: My stomach says it’s late.
Me: We had a time change. What used to say 7 a.m. on the clock, now says 6 a.m. We go by the clock to keep track of things.
Doodlebug: So we have to wait until your silly clocks say 7?
MoonCat: What if the silly clocks stopped working and never said 7?
Baby and Bud: We have our food, so everything’s okay. Acckk!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Guard the Nose
“Never stick a stick up your nose. Even if it’s to block a bad smell. Noses are precious.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Stinky Feet – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Eeeww! What is that smell?
Me: I put some ointment on my feet.
Sweetie: Stinky feet! Stinky feet! Throw them away!
Me: I can’t. They are attached to the rest of me. If I were a bulldog, I wouldn’t be calling anyone else’s feet stinky.
MoonCat: Good point, Lady Human. Still, you might want to cover yours up for now. Consider the budgies’ tiny noses.
Baby and Bud: Accckk! Stinky feet!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Built-in Bulldog Bias – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. The chickens are being rude. Again.
Me: They are very opinionated.
Doodlebug: How come?
Me: I don’t know.
Sweetie: I know how that is. I like what I like and I don’t like what I don’t like. Hey, that chicken just pecked at me!
MoonCat: She is just like you. You two should start a club. Don’t invite me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Voting – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde Engkish Bulldogges. Where are you going, Lady Human?
Me: I’m going to vote.
Sweetie: Didn’t you already do that some time back?
Me: Yes, but the time has come around again.
Sweetie: If you had done it right the first time, you wouldn’t have to do it again.
Doodlebug: Yeah, you should be more careful. This voting thing keeps happening.
MoonCat: I have several votes of my own to cast. Secret ballots, not to be shared with the Bulldog Party.
©️ 2026. H J. Hill. All Rights Reserved
Why Do Humans Bark? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, aren’t humans supposed to be intelligent?
Me: Supposedly.
Sweetie: Then why do they bark at each other all the time?
Doodlebug: Yeah, bulldogs are smart and we know better than to do that.
MoonCat: Are you comparing bulldogs to humans in the intelligence department? Humans can outbark you every time. Whether their barking is smart or not, I will leave to others to decide.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Not Good for You – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you eating, Lady Human? I’ll have some, please
Me: No, it has chocolate in it. Bad for you.
Sweetie: Is that another made-up human rule to keep us from having fun?
Me: Nope. “Bad for you” means it will make you sick and that is not fun.
MoonCat: May I have…?
Me: No. Same reason.
MoonCat: I was going to ask if I may have a healthy, nutritious, non-chocolate cat snack before I was so rudely cut off. Hmmmph.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Watch Where You Stick Your Head – Conversation with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Emergency!
Me: Where? What?
Sweetie: A headless chicken is dancing by that wire fence.
Me: No, not headless. Head stuck. Here, let me move this…there. What were you doing, silly? There’s never any food back there.
Doodlebug: Chickens are dumb.
Sweetie: Yeah, no bulldog would ever do something silly dumb like that.
MoonCat: Mmmm! Where did I put my list?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Waiting IS Work
“If it weren’t, I’d take a nap.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Let’s All Bark Together – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ma’am, I’m tired of caterwauling and catcalling and turning cattywampus and headed cattycornered. Can we all have a good old-fashioned dog bark?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Sweetie: Just barking, all saying the same thing, all at the same time.
Me: Let’s do it. Everybody saying the same thing.
Doodlebug: And everybody stay in tune.
MoonCat: Forgive me if I sit this one out. No matter how hard I try, which I don’t, I simply cannot pull off a bulldog baritone.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Stop the Caterwauling! – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the humans are yelling again, hurting my ears!
Me: Mine, too! I’ve never heard such caterwauling. I’m turning it off.
Sweetie: Another bad cat habit picked up by humans.
Baby and Bud: AACCCKK! AACCCKK!
Doodlebug: Now the birds are doing it.
MoonCat: I never caterwaul. It’s beneath my dignity. Too bad the same can’t be said of humans.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cat Calls – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, the Picture Box people are mad because a cat called them. If a cat called me, I’d probably be mad, too.
Me: They’re describing a certain rude human behavior as catcalling. It has not a thing to do with real cats.
Sweetie: There go the humans talking about cats again! Dogs can make rude calls, too!
MoonCat: Why do humans blame their own bad behavior on cats? As for me, I never make random, anonymous calls. I have better manners than that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Catty Cornered – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why so many cat words? Catty cornered?
Me: Catty cornered has nothing to do with cats. It’s about diagonal positions, not cats.
Sweetie: Then why not say “doggy cornered”?
MoonCat: Give us our due. Humans like to talk about us even when they’re not talking about us.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cats and Their Boxes – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why do cats have boxes?
Me: They like them. They feel comfortable with them.
Doodlebug: Why don’t we have boxes?
Me: You’ve never been interested.
Sweetie: We could get interested. How about getting us a bathroom box?
MoonCat: Is there a litterbox in the whole world big enough for a bulldog? Stick with the great outdoors.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
