The Bulldog F-Word – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogge. There are some words that people should not use, especially not in our delicate ears or the ears of human puppies. Humans have all kinds of ugly words that they use to insult other humans, insult dogs, insult cats…never mind. Insulting cats is an art form.

Me:        Are you saying that there is a bulldog F-word?

Stella:    Of course. You’ve heard it. We have discussed it before.

Me:        And what, pray tell, is that word?

Stella:    You know.

Me:        No, I don’t.

Stella:    Yes, you do. I told you before. I just didn’t admit that it was like the human F-word.

Me:        I don’t remember…

Stella:    Pffft!

Me:        Stella! Really?

Stella:    Pffft!

Me:        Why are you using your F-word at me?

Stella:    You asked for it.

Me:        Well, yes, but I didn’t think you actually had one.

Stella:    Would I lie to you?

Me:        I don’t think so.

Stella:    So, pffft!

Me:        Oh, Stella.

Stella:    What’s wrong?

Me:        Let me quote my grandmother when she heard a dirty word. “Hush! Ugly talk!”

Stella:    Your grandmother must not have been much fun to be around. Pffft!

Me:        Stella! Why are you cussing at me?

Stella:    I don’t know. Maybe because you don’t do what I want you to do.

Me:        Is that a good reason to cuss at someone?

Stella:    It’s a reason. Maybe not a good reason. Pffft.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

All Eyes on You – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Let’s wait and see what happens.

Me:        What’s going on? Why are you all looking at me?

Stella:    Nobody say anything. Just stare.

Me:        Okay, that’s not funny, y’all. Why are you staring at me? Why is nobody moving?

Stella:    Why, Lady Human, whatever do you mean?

Me:        You. All of you. Staring. Without blinking.

Stella:    Yeah, scary, huh?

Me:        Are you trying to scare me?

Stella:    No. Yes. Maybe. Did it work?

Me:        It’s just kind of weird to look down and have everyone focused on me for no reason.

Stella:    It’s never for no reason.

Me:        What is the reason then?

Stella:    Where you are standing.?

Me:        Yeah, what about it?

Stella:    Kitchen.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    We are ready. Whatever you decide to do, we are ready.

Me:        What do you think I’m going to do?

Stella:    Something having to do with food. Don’t worry. We are ready.

Me:        I came to get some water. For me. Just water. For me.

Stella:    No, the kitchen is for food. We are ready.

Me:        I’m not doing any food stuff now.

Stella:    Awwww.

Me:        You want some more water?

Stella:    No, thank you.

Me:        All right then. I am leaving the kitchen now. You can stop staring at me.

Stella:    Sweetie! Wiggles! Take first watch. If she makes a move toward the kitchen, sound the alert. Our sleepy eyeballs can be open in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Baths – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. May I state for the record that I personally hate baths? Of course, I may. I am the Queen. I may do anything I wish.

Me:        No, you may not.

Stella:    Pardon the interruption. Lady Human has once again inserted herself into my business.

Me:        I have an objection to make.

Stella:    Please go on. Be as objectionable as you wish.

Me:        I am not the one objectionable today. Today I am objecting to Snoopey and Wiggles and Miss Sweetie. They have been licking my feet and legs.

Stella:    Here, let me see what your legs and feet taste like and I will be able to tell you why.

Me:        Noooo!

Stella:    How do you expect me to help you when you won’t let me see what the attraction is? Maybe you taste like sirloin steak. If so, can you blame them?

Me:        Sirloin steak? None of you has ever tasted sirloin steak.

Stella:    And why is that, Lady Human? Hmmmm?

Me:        Bottom line, I am not a lollipop. I don’t need to be licked like one.

Stella:    They were giving you a bulldog bath. That’s all. Probably trying to help you out with your weird and busy day.

Me:        I could use help in other ways. Besides, now that they have given me a tongue bath, I have to take another bath.

Stella:    How insulting! And after all the effort they went to. Are you saying that their tongues are dirty?

Me:        Yes. I am stating that categorically.

Stella:    Fine. Now hear this, Bulldogs! Stop licking on Lady Human. She does not appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. But she is now on her own when it comes to baths.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Whole Lot of Beeping Going On – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Early this morning, I was minding my business as usual when the still air was wrecked by the most awful noise. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Me:        I know. Everyone woke up.

Stella:    BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Me:        Thank you, Stella. I heard.

Stella:    What a ridiculous noise! I know it was a human noise. Do you know how I know? No self-respecting animal would make a noise like that.

Me:        A goose would. More of a honk, but still…

Stella:    That annoying bird that was in that movie on the Picture Box. No, thank you! But you have to admit, the beeping is worse.

Me:        Well, when everybody jumped up and started barking like mad…no, I don’t see the difference. You all did that at the goose during my movie. I always have to watch that movie more than once just to hear what’s going on because of all the barking at the goose.

Stella:    Maybe you should stop watching that movie. That would solve everything.

Me:        I don’t agree that bulldogs should dictate my television viewing habits.

Stella:    Well, someone needs to. So, all that beeping this morning AND YESTERDAY had nothing to do with gooses.

Me:        Geese.

Stella:    What?

Me:        Two “gooses” are referred to as geese.

Stella:    Lady Human, your language makes me want to scream.

Me:        Please don’t. We’ve already had enough noise around here today.

Stella:    Who was beeping and how do we get it to stop?

Me:        Today it was a bulk trash truck. It came earlier than usual. Yesterday it was the regular trash truck. I guess they had to back up.

Stella:    Why does backing up beep?

Me:        It’s a warning that they put on big trucks. It lets everybody around know that the truck is backing up and may be blind to what’s behind it.

Stella:    Scary.

Me:        Not for you all. Stay away from the trucks…and you do…and there is no danger.

Stella:    Except to our ears. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Humans and their noises. Honestly. Where does it end?

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What Don’t Matter Don’t Matter – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella….Aaaaggghhh! Awwww! I am so sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me! I didn’t mean to!

Me:        Stella, calm down!

Stella:    But what I did!

Me:        I know what happened.

Stella:    So terrible. How can you forgive me? So nasty.

Me:        It’s no big deal. You pooped in your crate.

Stella:    Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t know where else to go!

Me:        It happens. It doesn’t matter!

Stella:    It matters to me.

Me:        Look. I’ve already put your toys in the wash. I am carrying your crate tray out to hose it down. That’s why we have a high-powered attachment on the hose. It will all be gone in a few minutes.

Stella:    How can you ever forgive me?

Me:        It’s already forgiven. Just one of those things.

Stella:    I mean, you were back there, visiting with the human puppy and I felt it coming on, but nobody was in here and who would have heard me and all of a sudden, there it was…

Me:        It’s probably because of that heartworm preventative Tall Man gave you earlier.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! I hate those things!

Me:        I know.

Stella:    You hide that in meat balls and I am so weak…I give in every time to the meat balls. Aaaagggghhh! I can’t resist the meat balls!

Me:        You aren’t supposed to resist the meat balls. You need the heartworm protection.

Stella:    I am so sorry!!!

Me:        Listen! Some things don’t matter at all. This is one of those things.

Stella:    But…

Me:        Listen to me! There are things that we do that matter. And there are things that we do that don’t matter. This is a don’t matter thing.

Stella:    Lady Human, that is poor grammar.

Me:        I know. And it don’t matter.

Stella:    But you are teaching me proper grammar…

Me:        Yep. And sometimes improper grammar pops out because what we are saying is real. And it just don’t matter. This is a don’t matter moment. Now think about what really happened. You pooped in your crate. I have taken your soiled crate tray outside, hosed it off, and wiped it down. The poop flowed into the dirt where it will break down and return to the earth. New plants will grow out of it. It won’t smell bad. It won’t stick to our feet. We won’t even know it was there. That’s how the LORD made it to be. Blessed be the Name of the LORD. His ways are higher and better than our ways. If we had to come up with a way to handle the mess, we probably would have messed it up. So, bottom line, you had an accident. It got cleaned up. What don’t matter don’t matter.

Stella:    So, it’s okay if I poop in my crate every day?

Me:        NO!

Stella:    Good! Because I hate pooping in my crate. Nasty!

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Pedicures Bulldog Style – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four bulldog feet. Please leave them alone.

Me:        I am not fooling with your feet tonight, Stella. I am fooling with mine.

Stella:    Why would you fool with anybody’s feet? That sounds like you are playing a joke. Feet are serious business.

Me:        I am dealing with my own feet right now.

Stella:    Ew! What horrible thing is that?

Me:        It is a tool that trims off dead skin. I have a callous on one foot. I have had for a long time.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        It may be the way I walk on that foot. It may be the shoes I wear.

Stella:    Then don’t walk that way. And don’t wear shoes. I don’t and I am doing just fine.

Me:        I wouldn’t get far without shoes. Human feet aren’t built like dog feet.

Stella:    Another way in which dogs are superior to humans.

Me:        Excuse me?

Stella:    Of course. Always. Bulldogs are very forgiving. Wait. Are you going to put that stinky stuff on your toes? Because I might not forgive that.

Me:        Nail polish?

Stella:    Yeah, like the stuff you paint on the walls, only it smells worse.

Me:        I don’t think so tonight.

Stella:    Okay. Well, that’s good. I don’t like the smell, but if I have to, I can always lick it off. That is one good thing about human feet. They are incredibly lick-able. Delicious.

Me:        No, Stella, that’s not why I do pedicures.

Stella:    So long as you don’t wear socks. Bare feet are great.

Me:        Cold weather will dictate my sock wearing habits.

Stella:    That’s all right. If they are loose enough, I can just pull them off and lick away.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Popcorn Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am the human commonly referred to among the bulldogs as Lady Human.

Stella:    Hey, that’s my spot. Get out of my spot, Lady Human! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Snoopey:   What?

Tiger:     Who?

Wiggles:   Bark…bark……bark…bark.

Doodlebug:   What?

Miss Sweetie:   Hey! Huh! What?

Me:        Okay, please stop. You sound like a bunch of popcorn kernels going off.

Wiggles:   Popcorn? Mmmmm!

Stella:    When?

Tiger:   Where? How?

Snoopey:   Ruff…..Ruff…Ruff. Ruff.

Me:        You see! Some of that doesn’t even make any sense.

Doodlebug:   Sense? What? What? What?

Tiger:     How? When? Where? What?

Wiggles:   Someone said popcorn.

Snoopey:   Look! Look!

Stella:    At what?

Snoopey:   Nothing.

Miss Sweetie:   Looking. I see nothing. Where’s the popcorn?

Me:        There is no popcorn.

Stella:    I distinctly heard someone say popcorn. Was it you, Tiger?

Me:        How could anyone hear anything with all this barking? You bark and then she barks and then he barks and then you bark again.

Stella:    Yep.

Miss Sweetie:   Why?

Stella:   Why what, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:   Why is there no popcorn?

Tiger:   Exactly. Ruuuuffff!

Miss Sweetie:   I will bark until there is popcorn. Ruff…Ruff…Ruff…

Me:        Noooo! Please don’t! Look! I’ll get you treats or supplements or something if it will calm you all down. No more popcorn barking.

Snoopey:   Where did she go?

Stella:   To the kitchen. You see. I told you it would work.

Miss Sweetie:   Aunt Stella, you’re the best.

Stella:   Okay, Sweetie, you can stop barking now.

Miss Sweetie:   Why?

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking to Yourself Out Loud – More Human Nonsense – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have said many times before, humans talk too much. It is bad enough when they are using too many words to us. When they start talking to themselves, well, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. All I have to say right now is SHHHHH! I could have said SILENCE! But since Lady Human is talking to herself out loud, she probably wouldn’t have heard me over her own volume so what’s the point?

Me:        So, I am speaking aloud. So what?

Stella:    So… ANNOYING. DISTRACTING. NOISY. IRRITATING. What else? Let’s see. Oh, yes. UNNECESSARY. NOTHING WE NEED TO HEAR. WEIRD. Shall I go on?

Me:        Not weird. Helpful.

Stella:    Not to us, it’s not. How can human yakking be helpful?

Me:        Sometimes, when I say the words instead of just thinking them, my brain processes my thoughts into solid ideas that I can hold onto.

Stella:    Oh, Lady Human, that is scary.

Me:        How so?

Stella:    Solid words. Whatever next? Will you start throwing your words around the room like little balls for us to fetch? Oh, look out! There’s a word flying through the air! Don’t let it smack you in the head!

Me:        Sorry, Stella. I forgot how literal you can be.

Stella:    Literal? Lady Human, are you saying that I am stupid?

Me:        No. I am saying that your way of thinking is more concrete than mine.

Stella:    What? Concrete in my head? No wonder my head is so heavy.

Me:        I am sorry that my out loud self-talk was confusing to you.

Stella:    When you ask yourself a question, do you answer it, too?

Me:        No, I usually type it into my phone for someone else’s answer.

Stella:    Perfect. No more talking to yourself out loud. Let your fingers do the talking. We won’t even have to hear it. You spend so much time on that little box anyway. Go ahead and spend more. Ah, blessed silence.

Me:        Wait a minute! Blessed silence? What about when you all erupt in barking?

Stella:    I meant blessed silence from humans. There’s a difference. You should know that by now.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…Or Visitors – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. First of all, allow me to explain what happened today…

Me:        Rudeness. That’s what happened today.

Stella:    Now, Lady Human, in all fairness…

Me:        Fairness? Can you imagine walking into a house to visit and the whole place erupts in wild barking?

Stella:    Yes, I can imagine that. It happened here today. It was crazy. Bulldog madness.

Me:        You were barking as much as everyone else. Our poor visitor felt totally unwelcome.

Stella:    Of course, she was unwelcome. We don’t let just anybody walk in here. Where was her invitation?

Me:        I invited her.

Stella:    Well, I didn’t. No one told me. Perhaps you should plan a little better next time. Bulldog invitations must be issued in plenty of time for us to get used to the idea of a stranger coming here.

Me:        And how much time is that?

Stella:    A year or two ought to be sufficient. I’ll let you know if that’s not enough.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Joy of Cooking with Bulldogs – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and today I am in the kitchen, helping Lady Human prepare whatever the mess is that she is cooking.

Me:        Mess? I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Pardon granted. We may be able to salvage some of it. It is hard to tell at this point.

Me:        Wait! I just dropped that. Let me clean…

Wiggles:   Never mind. All cleaned up.

Me:        Oh, okay. Thanks. But don’t clean up any garlic or onion that I drop. Not good for you.

Miss Sweetie:    What is that on the floor there?

Me:        I don’t know. The cat was interested in that spot a while ago, too. Wait!

Snoopey:   No problem, Lady Human. I got it. Kind of sweet.

Me:        All right. I don’t know what that was. Let me get the rest of my ingredients into the slow cooker.

Tiger:     Slow cooking is not a problem for me. I eat most things raw.

Me:        Well, this is for me and I like to blend the flavors in a slow heat.

Stella:    For you? How selfish!

Doodlebug:   When this recipe doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, I will be happy to gobble up the wreck. That is my purpose in life. To clean up human food messes.

Me:        This will not be a wreck.

Stella:    Promises. Promises.

Wiggles:   Just toss what you don’t want on the floor. We are waiting.

Me:        I am not tossing good food on the floor.

Stella:    Who said anything about good?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Human Singing? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something is happening that has happened too often before. I think I know what it is, but I have to check. I could be wrong. Lady Human, is everything all right with you?

Me:        Sure. Why?

Stella:    That sound coming from you.

Me:        You don’t like that song?

Stella:    Song? I wasn’t sure.  It sounded as though you were in distress. We are ready to assist. How can we help?

Me:        No help is needed. I was just singing.

Stella:    Are you sure that’s what you were doing? It sounded like something unpleasant was going on. Isn’t singing supposed to be pleasing?

Me:        Okay. Okay. You don’t like my singing. I get it.

Stella:    If you know that, why do you still do it? Do you like to make people and bulldogs unhappy?

Me:        No. But when I feel like singing, I let it out. Consider it a form of free speech.

Stella:    Ah, free speech. That thing that humans celebrate but deny to bulldogs.

Me:        What free speech, pray tell, have you all been denied?

Stella:    Stand by. Now hear this. AWWWWGggghh! Rawwwhhhh! Rawwwhhhh! Rawrahhhhh! Wait! Why are you covering your ears?

Me:        A little loud, thank you.

Stella:    You are welcome.

Me:        No, I meant…

Stella:    I know. Bulldog singing is beautiful in any language.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Why Are You Reading in the Kitchen? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have witnessed humans ‘reading’ their strange books before, but never in the food preparation room that they call the ‘kitchen’. It doesn’t seem right. Food. Books. Reading. All at the same time. All in the same room. Nope.

Me:   The book I was reading was what we call a ‘cookbook’.

Stella:    Even worse. You cooked a book? Disgusting.

Me:        No. I didn’t cook a book.

Stella:    That’s what it smelled like to me.

Me:        I was trying a new recipe for crispy bread.

Stella:    Sounds like a cooked book to me. Why can’t you try cooking something delicious that has meat in it?

Me:        Maybe next time. I used to cook and bake all the time and then…I stopped.

Stella:    Why? Because all your cooking and baking tasted terrible?

Me:        No… well, some of it did. I stopped because I was the only one eating the result and a lot was going to waste.

Stella:    That was before you had bulldogs, wasn’t it?

Me:        As a matter of fact, …

Stella:    Because we would have SO cleaned up your leftovers.

Me:        Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. With the weather getting cooler, I may be doing more baking and soup cooking so…

Stella:    Here’s my list: anything with meat in it as in chicken, beef, pork, and whatever else counts as meat, cheese dishes, and anything else you’ve got. If I don’t like it, I’ll let you know and then you can throw it out. So, keep on reading in the kitchen, Lady Human. Turn it into a library if you want to.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Eye Contact – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. If we ever meet, face to face, do not make eye contact. I am a predator. You humans are predators. Keep your eyeballs to yourselves.

Me:        But you and I make eye contact all the time and you don’t seem to mind.

Stella:    Yes, about that, Lady Human…

Me:        You think of me as another predator.

Stella:    Admit it. With humans, one can never be too sure.

Me:        Stella, it’s me. We’ve sat together and eaten together…

Stella:    Not really. You’ve never eaten out of my bowl and I have never eaten out of yours, not that I would mind doing so.

Me:        You don’t want me to look at you.

Stella:    Of course, you should look at me. Watch all my cuteness and squirrel chasing expertise and special dance steps.

Me:        So…

Stella:    But no eyeballing.

Me:        Many humans consider it a sign of respect and honesty to look another person in the eyes.

Stella:    Many humans are not bulldogs.

Me:        In fact, no humans are bulldogs, but, to continue on the eyeballing subject, I have looked you straight in the eyes lots of times. What’s different about today?

Stella:    Today I am ticked off.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And when I’m ticked off, you’d better watch out. Predator alert! Keep your eyeballs to yourself.

Me:        And tomorrow will you be ticked off?

Stella:    I haven’t decided yet.

Me:        Am I allowed to be ticked off now and again?

Stella:    No, absolutely not. You are a human. You are supposed to have better self-control. Being ticked off is for me. I am the Queen.

Me:        How will I know if you are ticked off?

Stella:    Just try eyeballing me and see what happens.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Put It On Silent – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have pointed out many times before, humans talk entirely too much. Sometimes, they even talk in the middle of the night. I was sound asleep, minding my own business as always…

Me:        As always?

Stella:    When out of the darkness came a weird voice, floating down the hall, sneaking into my sleepy ears.

Me:        And you and Sweetie started barking your heads off, even after I told you all was well.

Stella:    All is not well when a goofy, little voice in the night squeals, giggles, and says, “Hee, hee, hee! Let’s play!” Now I know that it was not your tiny human relative who visits. She was not here and she does not speak human languages yet. And I know that it was not a bulldog. A bulldog would never sound that silly. It was totally unbulldoggy. No self-respecting bulldog would make such a noise. Not even Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:    Hey!

Stella:    No offense, honey, but admit it. You do make strange noises, even for a bulldog.

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Miss Sweetie:    I heard the sound first and I was the first to bark the alarm.

Stella:    No, I was the first.

Miss Sweetie:   No, I was the first.

Stella:    No, it was me.

Me:        And I came down the hall and told you both that all was well and you kept on barking at me.

Miss Sweetie:    I stopped barking at you first.

Stella:    No, I stopped barking at her first.

Miss Sweetie:    No, I stopped first. I remember.

Stella:    Are you saying my memory is not as good as yours? Are you saying that I am old?

Miss Sweetie:    Mmmm. Yes. You are old, Aunt Stella.

Stella:    EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Me:        Excuse me, please. I have an announcement. The late-night noise in question arose from an online game that I started playing on my phone when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I apologize to the whole household. I forgot to silence my phone before I went to sleep and, when I opened the app, the music and silly voice started immediately. I couldn’t silence it quickly enough. In fact, I don’t like those noises either. But I do like the game and sometimes it helps me go back to sleep. End of story.

Miss Sweetie:    You couldn’t silence your phone quickly enough? You are old, Lady Human. What century were you born in?

Stella:   You mean this all happened because of that little talking box you pay too much attention to all day long? And now you pay attention to it at night? Give it here, Lady Human. You do not need it that much.

Me:        Nope. It’s mine.

Stella:    Turn the talking box over.

Me:        Nope. I’m the human. I am in charge of it.

Stella:    And as you will come to admit, I am the loud barking box and I am in charge of that.

Miss Sweetie:    No, I am the loud barking box.

Stella:    No, it’s me.

Miss Sweetie:   No…

Me:        Here, let me turn my phone’s sound back on and turn the volume to max. Who’s the loud barking box now?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Special Emergency Pack Meeting – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call this Special Emergency Pack Meeting to order.

Me:        Wait. What emergency? What pack meeting?

Stella:    Sorry, Lady Human. You were not notified because you are not a member of the pack.

Me:        Really? So, all the food and treats and face washing and puppy pool water does not qualify me for pack membership?

Stella:    It’s a bulldog pack, Lady Human, and you, after all, are not a bulldog.

Me:        Not even an honorary one.

Stella:    I’ll take it under advisement.

Me:        Shouldn’t you go ahead and let me know what’s going on?

Snoopey:   I’ll say it. It’s the ear cleanings.

Tiger:     Yeah, ear cleanings are gross.

Wiggles:   Yes, and the cleaning drops smell like…like…stinky water.

Miss Sweetie:   Like sour water.

Doodlebug:   Like you, Sweetie.

Me:        Enough, Doodle. Sweetie smells a lot better since we got the malacetic wipes for her face folds. The other type worked only hit and miss and so, I admit it, sometimes she smelled sour. I still think I should be included in the pack meeting, human or not.

Stella:   Not when you are the evil ear cleaner.

Me:        Now I am evil for cleaning your ears?

Stella:    Do you know what it is like to have your own ears wiped out?

Me:        Yes. Humans clean their ears.

Stella:    Weird. Your ears do not flop over.

Me:        And we can’t close our ears the way you do.

Stella:    It has taken lots of practice to perfect that move. Still, there is no defense against your nasty ear cleaning drops. So, we are taking a vote. Ear cleaning drops – yay or nay?

Snoopey:   Nay.

Tiger:     Nay.

Wiggles:   Nay,

Doodlebug:   Nay.

Miss Sweetie:    Maybe. Maybe not.

Stella:    That’s a yay. And I vote yay. Unanimous. No more ear cleaning drops.

Me:        I vote nay. My one vote trumps all of yours. I win.

Stella:    Not fair!

Me:        Fair? Have you seen what comes out of your ears? That is what’s not fair.

Stella:    Well, you wanted to be a member of the pack. Welcome.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Hiding Space – Conversations with Stella and Moon the Cat

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. SHHHHH!!!! Don’t say anything! Maybe she won’t find me. Hiding is hard when you are shaped like a four-legged, 50-pound tank. I’ll squeeze back here. Nope. That won’t work. My back half is sticking out. If I can avoid her long enough, maybe she’ll forget about me, and then the danger will pass. I can squeeze behind the couch. Hey! Cat! Move it! Bulldog coming through! Make way! What do you mean ‘meow’? Hiss!!! How about that? Does that get your attention?

Me:        Stella! Hey, Stella! Come here, girl. Just for a minute.

Stella:    Just for a minute. Huh. A likely story. I can smell it. She forgets I have a dog’s nose. A poor thing, but my own, and it serves me at times like these. If I can just…scrunch down…a little bit more…I can wait out the threat back here.

Moon the Cat:   Meooww.

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Stella:    SHHHHH!!!! Whisper!!! Don’t you understand anything? She’s got that bottle of sour-scented water in her hand.

Me:        Stellaaaa!

Moon the Cat:   Meooowww.

Stella:    SHHHHH!!!!

Moon the Cat:   Why don’t you want her to take care of your ears?

Stella:    What? You speak my language? Why haven’t you done this before?

Moon the Cat:   Bulldoggese is a difficult tongue for a cat. Very rough. It beats up my mouth. Why don’t you learn my language instead?

Stella:    A preposterous notion. The very idea!

Me:        Oh, Stella, there you are. Come here. Just for a minute.

Stella:    No. No! No!!! Now see what you’ve done, Cat!

Moon the Cat:   I helped you find the Lady Human. You are welcome.

Me:        It won’t take a second and you know it makes your ears feel better, Stella. There. That’s one ear. Now for the other.

Stella:    Eeeggghhh. Eeeggghhh! Eeeggghhh!!

Me:        You see. All done. Until next time.

Stella:    Until next time. Destroyer of hope.

Me:        What’s better? To suffer the itch and pain of ear infections or to take arms against them and, by opposing, end them.

Stella:   You made that up. Strange words from someone who does not put drops of sour water into her own ears.

Me:        Thank you, Moon, for alerting me to Stella’s whereabouts.

Moon the Cat:   Glad to have been of help. Not really. Meow.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Water Dogs – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hate water. Except for drinking water. I will take a little of that now and again. But otherwise, I hate water.

Me:        I know.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I watch you. When the hose is running, you run the opposite direction. When the puppy pool is being filled, you run the opposite direction. When I am washing anything off outside, you run…

Stella:    …the opposite direction. You are observant. I admit it. It is true. I hate water.

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Me:        Miss Sweetie loves it.

Stella:    Sweetie is a water dog. It happens among bulldogs every once in a while. Most of us are sane and stay away from water. Bulldogs do not float well.

Me:        So, you are a confirmed non-water dog.

Stella:    Amen. I keep my four feet firmly on dry ground. Have you seen how Sweetie plunges her whole face into the puppy pool and swishes it back and forth? Have you seen how she wallows in the water? She acts as though she really likes it. Yuck! Messy and scary! Very unbulldoggy!

Me:        I have seen it. I think it is hilarious!

Stella:    That is because humans have no sense of decency or dignity. You do not know what is truly funny. And you don’t know what is truly bulldoggy.

Me:        I still love water-loving dogs.

Stella:    Awwww. You don’t love me, just because I don’t like water.

Me:        Nonsense. I don’t care if you like water or not.

Stella:    What! You mean I don’t want me as your swimming buddy.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Do Cats Get An Indoor Toilet? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, dogs of any type really, are forced to go outside to potty, while humans and… ugh…cats get to go to the bathroom indoors. Even our parakeet, Pearl, is allowed to potty inside. This is horribly unfair, especially on bad weather days. Dogs are expected to endure heat, cold, rain, snow (whatever that is), ice (whatever that is), hurricanes, tornadoes, thunderstorms…

Me:        Okay, we get the picture. By the way, we have never had a hurricane here. By the time they get here, they’re some rain and a strong breeze and little else. And, if we do have a tornado or two or sixteen in one day like we had a few years ago, we don’t send anyone outside.

Stella:    If cats are allowed to use the toilet inside on all occasions, why aren’t we?

Me:        Think about that for a minute. Cats have an instinct to use a box or a hole and to cover up what they do. Bulldogs, on the other hand…

Stella:    Hey, I wipe my feet every time I potty.

Me:        I know. If I gave you each a litter box, would you all really use it?

Stella:    Hmmm. I would have to say…Nope, definitely not. Nope. Not bulldoggy enough. Too confining. You will never take our FREEDOM!

Me:        So, you will continue to potty outside? For the freedom?

Stella:    Of course, when you put it that way. Cats don’t know what they are missing. But then again, cats always have a warm potty.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

If It’s Not Food, DON’T EAT IT! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am grossed out. I think that is the right way to say that I am grossed out.

Me:        Are you disgusted?

Stella:    Yes.

Me:        Is your stomach turned?

Stella:    Yes.

Me:        Then ‘grossed out’ is the proper term.

Stella:    Do you know that Doodlebug threw up? A whole bunch?

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Me:        Yes, I certainly do.

Stella:    Doodle! Why would you do such a thing in the house?

Doodlebug:   Uuuhhh. Yuck.

Me:        Well, let’s see here. There are one…two…three leaves, completely intact. Were you eating leaves earlier?

Doodlebug:   Uuuhhh.

Me:        Don’t eat leaves.

Snoopey:   I’ve eaten leaves and THAT didn’t happen.

Me:        Probably different leaves. There is an oak leaf and 2 heart-shaped leaves I don’t recognize. I’ll have to do a search of the yard. Doodlebug, don’t eat leaves!

Doodlebug:   It’s all right, Lady Human. I feel better now.

Stella:    Gross! If you are going to make yourself sick, please have the courtesy to the rest of us to do it OUTSIDE!

Doodlebug:   I wasn’t trying to make myself sick. I was minding my own business and it just happened.

Stella:    Since when does it just happen? Stop eating stuff you find in the yard. Leaves, and yes, I will say it out loud. Poop!

Miss Sweetie:    Ummm! Aunt Stella said an ugly word. She said ‘poop’.

Me:        Yes, poop is a big issue since y’all came.

Miss Sweetie:    Funny word. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.

Me:        It’s okay to say ‘poop’. It is not okay to eat it. So there! I said that! Doodle, are you listening?

Doodlebug:   The leaves made me sick. They were stuck to the poop.

Stella:    That’s the point. You wouldn’t have eaten the leaves if you hadn’t been eating the…you know…don’t make me say it again.

Miss Sweetie:   Poop. I said it for you, Aunt Stella.

Me:        Okay. The mess is cleaned up. Can we move on to a more pleasant subject?

Stella:    Sure, but first, all this talk about…you know what…has made me want to go outside and…you know what.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Humans and Their Scary Stories – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Having said that, Lady Human, you look sad.

Me:        Not sad. Contemplative.

Stella:    Contemplative looks the same as sad from where I am sitting. What is contemplative and why are you that way?

Me:        I have been thinking about some events that took place years ago.

Stella:    Things that had to do with me?

Me:        No, long before you came into the earth. Nothing to do with bulldogs.

Stella:    Good, then I can interrupt with a very important announcement.

Me:        This isn’t another Royal Bulldog Decree, is it?

Stella:    No, not that important, but strange. Don’t move!

Me:        Uh-oh.

Stella:    There is a blue stick. And it is flying! No, don’t look!

Me:        I think I already know what it is so I am going to look. Yep. It’s a damselfly.

Stella:    Not a stick?

Me:        Nope. A flying insect.

Stella:    Because it looks like a stick to me.

Me:        It’s a smaller version of a dragonfly.

Stella:    Dragons fly? Here? Where? Keep them away while I call the others! We will get into battle mode. And here all this time I thought the squirrels were our biggest problem.

Me:        No, no. A dragonfly, an insect a little bigger than that damselfly with a long skinny body and transparent wings. Not a dragon. Can you imagine how horrible that would be?

Stella:    Yes. Yes, I can.

Me:        And how do you know about dragons anyway?

Stella:    That silly Picture Box you are always running. There was a dragon on it and it WAS flying and I thought, Oh, no big deal. Looks like that was a long, long time ago. Why give an insect a scary name if it is completely unlike a dragon?

Me:        I don’t know. I think it comes from some old story about a horse turning into a giant insect…

Stella:    NO! NO! I TOLD YOU SO! I have been warning you about this, Lady Human, for some time now, but oh, no! Don’t believe Stella. She’s just a dumb old bulldog. She doesn’t know anything. GIANT INSECTS ARE REAL!!! EEEEEEEEE!

Me:        Stella, please stop that noise.

Stella:    And to think, if I hadn’t seen that flying blue stick, the truth would never have come out.

Me:        Look at the damselfly. Is it giant?

Stella:    It is as long as my nose is wide.

Me:        You see. Not that big.

Stella:    I AM A BULLDOG! I HAVE THE WIDEST NOSE IN THE WORLD!

Me:        Dragonflies are only a little bit bigger than damselflies.

Stella:    Dragonflies! You mean that there are more than one! We are doomed!

Me:        Forget that I said anything about it. In fact, you were right to begin with. That is a blue flying stick. No big deal at all.

Stella:    Phew! What a relief! Now tell me, does it come from a blue flying tree?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.