“Never stick a stick up your nose. Even if it’s to block a bad smell. Noses are precious.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Guard the Nose
Stinky Feet – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Eeeww! What is that smell?
Me: I put some ointment on my feet.
Sweetie: Stinky feet! Stinky feet! Throw them away!
Me: I can’t. They are attached to the rest of me. If I were a bulldog, I wouldn’t be calling anyone else’s feet stinky.
MoonCat: Good point, Lady Human. Still, you might want to cover yours up for now. Consider the budgies’ tiny noses.
Baby and Bud: Accckk! Stinky feet!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Built-in Bulldog Bias – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. The chickens are being rude. Again.
Me: They are very opinionated.
Doodlebug: How come?
Me: I don’t know.
Sweetie: I know how that is. I like what I like and I don’t like what I don’t like. Hey, that chicken just pecked at me!
MoonCat: She is just like you. You two should start a club. Don’t invite me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Voting – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde Engkish Bulldogges. Where are you going, Lady Human?
Me: I’m going to vote.
Sweetie: Didn’t you already do that some time back?
Me: Yes, but the time has come around again.
Sweetie: If you had done it right the first time, you wouldn’t have to do it again.
Doodlebug: Yeah, you should be more careful. This voting thing keeps happening.
MoonCat: I have several votes of my own to cast. Secret ballots, not to be shared with the Bulldog Party.
©️ 2026. H J. Hill. All Rights Reserved
Why Do Humans Bark? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, aren’t humans supposed to be intelligent?
Me: Supposedly.
Sweetie: Then why do they bark at each other all the time?
Doodlebug: Yeah, bulldogs are smart and we know better than to do that.
MoonCat: Are you comparing bulldogs to humans in the intelligence department? Humans can outbark you every time. Whether their barking is smart or not, I will leave to others to decide.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Not Good for You – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you eating, Lady Human? I’ll have some, please
Me: No, it has chocolate in it. Bad for you.
Sweetie: Is that another made-up human rule to keep us from having fun?
Me: Nope. “Bad for you” means it will make you sick and that is not fun.
MoonCat: May I have…?
Me: No. Same reason.
MoonCat: I was going to ask if I may have a healthy, nutritious, non-chocolate cat snack before I was so rudely cut off. Hmmmph.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Watch Where You Stick Your Head – Conversation with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Emergency!
Me: Where? What?
Sweetie: A headless chicken is dancing by that wire fence.
Me: No, not headless. Head stuck. Here, let me move this…there. What were you doing, silly? There’s never any food back there.
Doodlebug: Chickens are dumb.
Sweetie: Yeah, no bulldog would ever do something silly dumb like that.
MoonCat: Mmmm! Where did I put my list?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Waiting IS Work
“If it weren’t, I’d take a nap.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Let’s All Bark Together – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ma’am, I’m tired of caterwauling and catcalling and turning cattywampus and headed cattycornered. Can we all have a good old-fashioned dog bark?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Sweetie: Just barking, all saying the same thing, all at the same time.
Me: Let’s do it. Everybody saying the same thing.
Doodlebug: And everybody stay in tune.
MoonCat: Forgive me if I sit this one out. No matter how hard I try, which I don’t, I simply cannot pull off a bulldog baritone.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Stop the Caterwauling! – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the humans are yelling again, hurting my ears!
Me: Mine, too! I’ve never heard such caterwauling. I’m turning it off.
Sweetie: Another bad cat habit picked up by humans.
Baby and Bud: AACCCKK! AACCCKK!
Doodlebug: Now the birds are doing it.
MoonCat: I never caterwaul. It’s beneath my dignity. Too bad the same can’t be said of humans.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cat Calls – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, the Picture Box people are mad because a cat called them. If a cat called me, I’d probably be mad, too.
Me: They’re describing a certain rude human behavior as catcalling. It has not a thing to do with real cats.
Sweetie: There go the humans talking about cats again! Dogs can make rude calls, too!
MoonCat: Why do humans blame their own bad behavior on cats? As for me, I never make random, anonymous calls. I have better manners than that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Catty Cornered – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why so many cat words? Catty cornered?
Me: Catty cornered has nothing to do with cats. It’s about diagonal positions, not cats.
Sweetie: Then why not say “doggy cornered”?
MoonCat: Give us our due. Humans like to talk about us even when they’re not talking about us.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Cats and Their Boxes – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why do cats have boxes?
Me: They like them. They feel comfortable with them.
Doodlebug: Why don’t we have boxes?
Me: You’ve never been interested.
Sweetie: We could get interested. How about getting us a bathroom box?
MoonCat: Is there a litterbox in the whole world big enough for a bulldog? Stick with the great outdoors.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Everything’s Gone Cattywampus – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look at this mess!
Sweetie: Okay.
Doodlebug: I’m looking.
Me: This whole thing has gone cattywampus and I don’t know how to fix it.
Sweetie: Catty what?
Doodlebug: Wampus where?
Me: Messed up. Fouled up. Not right at all.
MoonCat: This catty didn’t do it and my wampus is just fine, thank you.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – A Different Point of View
“Maybe if I look at it from this angle, it will make sense.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Why Do Humans Play with Fire? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why did you all set that cake on fire?
Me: Birthday party.
Sweetie: So? Why be mean to a cake?
Me: We didn’t burn the cake. The candles are just a tradition. A celebration.
Sweetie: Like when you shoot fire into the air to blow up the sky?
Me: Well, yeah.
MoonCat: The humans are crazy. Hide the matches.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Turn the Air Conditioner Off – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, turn the cold box off.
Sweetie: Yeah, enough is enough already.
Me: A/C’s not on.
Sweetie: Where’s the cold coming from?
Me: The outside.
Doodlebug: Does the sky have a great big cold box in it? Why didn’t it turn on during the hot days?
Me: This is that seasonal change that happens at the same time every year. The air will be cooler now for awhile.
MoonCat: I think it would be better if we had our own buttons to turn the cold off and on in the sky. What could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Peeking! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, retract your nose. The budgies are settled down.
Sweetie: I was just checking to see what they are doing.
Me: Once the curtain is in place, no peeking. The light bothers them. Let them sleep.
MoonCat: So that’s what I’ve been needing. Lady Human, put in my order – one cat curtain, bulldog proof.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Puffed Up – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Baby the Budgie is all proud of herself. She’s puffed her feathers out.
Me: Parakeets do that for different reasons.
Baby and Bud: They’re OUR feathers, so we do what we want!
MoonCat: Sounds puffed up to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Hot Gossip Soup – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ma’am, you’ve been on that little phone box a long time.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come humans talk so much about other humans?
Me: I don’t know.
Doodlebug: Are other humans interesting?
Me: Not really that, but we do like to express our opinions.
Sweetie: Does it help to talk about humans? ‘Cuz it doesn’t help me to listen to it. Too many wordy words.
MoonCat: Mix it up, stir it real good, and out comes a yucky soup that even a bulldog won’t eat. You won’t catch me gossiping, except about bulldogges.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
