“All the pieces are still here, but how does it fit back together?”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Broken
An Umbrella Hat – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Is the sky planning to spit on us again, Lady Human? I need an umbrella hat.
Me: Such things do exist, but I can’t imagine you keeping it on your head for more than a second.
Doodlebug: It’s not gonna be that bad.
MoonCat: Run between the raindrops. As for me, I’ll stay under the best umbrella, the roof. Better than any umbrella hat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Chasing Running Dirt – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Get it! Dirt! running! Get it!
Me: That’s a bug, not dirt.
Sweetie: Same difference! Get it, Lady Human! Get it!
Me: Aaagh! Too late! Can’t reach it. It’s gone.
Doodlebug: Why are bugs allowed in our space?
Me: They aren’t, but they don’t ask permission.
Sweetie: Not on our watch! Have you ever seen a bulldog foot come down on a bug?
MoonCat: I have. Yuck and yay!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Tail to Wag – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, that dog.
Me: What dog?
Sweetie: That dog walking down the road with that long tail.
Doodlebug: Yeah, a long skinny tail like a curved stick that he whacks against things as he passes by.
Sweetie: How come we don’t have tails to wag?
Me: You have tails and you wag them. I see you do it. They’re just not long.
Sweetie: How come? No, don’t tell me. Humans did something to our tails.
Me: Yeah. Bulldog breeding took a few bad turns through the years and your tails corkscrewed and caused you some problems, and well, long story short, you have short tails.
Sweetie: Then buy me a long tail! Humans buy everything. Buy me a long tail that I can whack on things with.
MoonCat: Oh, my, what could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Too Tall – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you are way too tall.
Sweetie: Yeah, taller than Tall Man or the tallest human ever. How ever did that happen?
Me: I’m standing on a step ladder.
Sweetie: Me, too? Me, too?
Me: No.
Sweetie: But I want to be tall.
Me: Why?
Sweetie: Ummmm, so I can reach things that I shouldn’t.
MoonCat: Ah, honesty is the best policy. And height is overrated. Look at me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Staring Contest – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, y’all, what’s going on?
Sweetie: Nothing.
Doodlebug: Nothing.
Me: You are staring at each other. I don’t want this to break out in a fight.
Sweetie: No fight. This is a contest.
Doodlebug: Yeah, who will give up first?
Me: Okay. What’s the prize?
Sweetie: Prize?
Me: Yeah, what’s the winner get?
Sweetie: Winners get something?
Me: Usually yeah, if only bragging rights.
Doodlebug: How do bragging rights taste?
MoonCat: Pretty good.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Nasal Insult – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what stinks?
Me: That’s a pretty big topic. Whittle it down.
Sweetie: Something stinky and flowery just punched me in my delicate nose.
Me: Ah, probably some perfume.
Doodlebug: The Little Human had a bottle and, every once in a while, a mist came spraying out. Terrible.
Sweetie: Oh, no! Some of that mist landed on me. I’m carrying my own stink around!
MoonCat: Let’s be honest. That is not something new.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Well Met!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Fence Peepers – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, look at the fence! We are being watched.
Sweetie: A big bird and a bushy rat wagging its fluffy tail at us. How rude!
Me: A male cardinal and a squirrel. The rain is over and they are out and about.
Sweetie: Move along, spies! Nothing here for you to see!
MoonCat: Spread your wings, fluff your fur, and dry out quickly. The sky is keeping its secrets.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Don’t Spit in My Eye! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I am mad at the sky.
Me: Is this about the rain again?
Sweetie: It spit in my eye! I think it did that on purpose!
Me: Now why would it do that?
Sweetie: Because it’s big and full of water and it can.
Me: Yesterday you thought it was crying on you. What changed your mind?
Sweetie: Its aim is too good!
MoonCat: Better get ready. The spitting is about to start again in a little while.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Teardrops from the Sky – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the sky dropped tears in my eyes.
Me: Rain. Those drops were rain. You’ve seen rain lots of times.
Sweetie: Not when it’s in my eyes. Then I can’t see anything.
Doodlebug: How come no sky drops fell in my eyes?
MoonCat: You didn’t look up. Common sense. Which I understand is a challenge for bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Trees are Shaking Their Hair – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The trees, Lady Human, the trees!
Me: What about them?
Sweetie: They’re shaking all the new hair they’ve grown.
Me: Otherwise known as leaves.
Doodlebug: They swing it this way and that way and this way and that way.
Me: The wind does that.
Sweetie: I don’t see any wind.
Me: Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there.
MoonCat: That’s good news because I don’t see my tunafish.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
If Wishes were Fishes – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I wish the whole ground were made of dog food. Kibble and treats. Then we could snack anywhere all day long.
Me: As the old saying goes, if wishes were fishes….
MoonCat: Hmmm. Wishes. Fishes. Wish for fish. Wish for tunafish. Well, my day is all laid out.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Hold Your Tongue – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s all that noise? Why doesn’t it stop? I can’t even think. Why is the world so loud? How can we make the noise stop?
Me: Start by holding your tongue.
Doodlebug: Lady Human, that sounds like that “bite your tongue” advice. Not as painful, but almost impossible to do.
Sweetie: Yeah, my tongue is way too slippery to hold.
MoonCat: Step 1: Tongue inside mouth. Step 2: Lips closed. Step 3: Stay that way.
©️ 2026. H J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Nose to Nose
Pointy: “What happened to your nose?”
Simpleton: “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Nothing Like a Clean Floor – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, what are you licking up off the floor?
Sweetie: This and that and the other, Lady Human.
Me: Honestly, the floor was pretty clean for once.
Doodlebug: And there’s nothing like a clean floor.
MoonCat: And after being washed by a bulldog’s tongue, this is nothing like a clean floor.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bolster Grab – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s happening here?
Sweetie: A new cushiony spot on which to stretch ourselves.
Doodlebug: It is really starting to take shape.
Me: Okay, this cushion, nope. This pillow, nope. This bolster…
Sweetie: Don’t take that one, Lady Human! Everyone needs a bolster.
Me: Including me!
Sweetie: How selfish!
MoonCat: Thankfully, my bolster is entrenched by time and long established custom.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Real Nose Wrinkler – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what is that wonderful stink?
Me: Are stinks wonderful?
Doodlebug: All the time!
Me: Humans consider stinks bad.
Doodlebug: Human noses are uneducated.
Sweetie: Yeah, this smell is a real nose wrinkler.
MoonCat: Human noses may be uneducated, but they do have the good sense to wear masks at times.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Good Imitation of a Bulldog – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what’s wrong with your face?
Doodlebug: Yeah, it’s all scrunched up and your mouth is twisted.
Me: I just pulled a muscle. It hurts.
Sweetie: You look like…You look like…US! That’s it! You look like a bulldog!
Doodlebug: Well done! You’re beautiful!
MoonCat: No comment.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
When in Doubt, Snort It Out! – Conversations with Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, my nose tickles. I think something is alive in there.
Me: Your nose is alive. It’s part of you. Let me see.
Doodlebug: Be careful, ma’am. Don’t get too…
Sweetie: Snort. Snort. Choo!
Doodlebug: …close. What is that?
Me: Looks like a little piece of a stick. Well, better out than in, as a friend of mine always says.
Sweetie: Do humans snort things out, too?
MoonCat: Not nearly as well as bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 