Urgent Alert! There is a Cat in the House! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is an urgent alert! Ring the alarm bells! All eyes open! There is a cat in the house!

Me:        Of course, there is a cat in the house. Our cat, Moon, is in the house.

Stella:    No, this is a different cat! Everybody, be on the lookout!

Me:        Stella, I guarantee that there is no strange cat in the house. I took Moon to the vet. She’s a little tired, that’s all.

Stella:    Nope, Moon never leaves the house.

Me:        She does when she goes to the vet.

Stella:    And Moon prisses around all over, flaunting her cattiness in our faces. This strange cat seems sweet and quiet. Not like a scratcher at all.

Me:        She got a vaccination. She doesn’t like her cat carrier or riding in the car. She complained to me the whole way there and the whole way back.

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Stella:    That shows how dumb cats are. Who in their right mind doesn’t like riding in a car? That doesn’t sound like our Moon. She is too smart to disdain a car ride.

Me:        Let her have a good nap and she will be back to her usual self.

Stella:    There she is! Charge! Ouch! Hey, it is Moon!

Me:        I guess she didn’t need that nap after all.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Floor Licker – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My manners are fastidious. That’s what Lady Human says. I don’t know what fastidious means, but it sounds great! Just like me. I am fastidious.

Me:        Well, you don’t lick the floor.

Stella:    So not fastidious people lick the floor?

Me:        No, but non-fastidious dogs do.

Stella:    Oh, like you-know-who. And the other you-know-who. And the other you-know…

Me:        Like every bulldog I know, except for you.

Stella:    They are simply not fastidious like me.

Me:        I understand licking a spot where food has fallen, but Wiggles, for example, licks random spots that have no rational relationship with food.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I know because no food has fallen in those spots.

Stella:    How do you know?

Me:        I can look at the floor and see.

Stella:    Pffft! It’s not what a floor looks like that counts. Humans are so silly. Smell, Lady Human. Millions of nasal receptors, Lady Human. The floor smells like…what is one of those places that sells lots of food all at once?

Me:        A smorgasbord?

Stella:    What? No!

Me:        A buffet?

Stella:    Mmmm. No.

Me:        A grocery store?

Stella:    That’s it! But please introduce me to those other food places I’ve never heard of when you get a chance. What other secrets are you withholding from me?

Me:        I can’t begin to explain.

Stella:    Well, well, so hidden smelly spots on the floor are not the only mysteries here.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Get the Dog Smell Out – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is washing big pieces of cloth in her big, noisy machine. It is annoying. I wish it would stop. Dare I ask?

Me:        Nope.

Stella:   Please.

Me:        Nope. Has to be done.

Stella:    But why? It just goes on and on and on and on…

Me:        I have to wash all this stuff to get the dog smell out.

Stella:    Dog smell? Like what I smell or what I smell like?

Me:        What you all smell like.

Stella:    Are you saying that I stink? Are you saying that you don’t like the way I smell? Awwww. My smell is me. If you don’t like my smell, you don’t like me. Awwwww.

Me:        Not the same.

Stella:    Yes, the same. How can I separate me from what I smell like?

Me:        I could give you a few more baths.

Stella:    Some other way.

Me:        I can do what I’m doing right now. Wash everything. Now that you and Snoopey are both sleeping in my room, I have to wash your bedding…and mine pretty often. When I walk into my room, I want it smell more like me than like you.

Stella:    Wrong choice.

 

 

 

 

Copyright  2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Why Aren’t You Like the Humans on TV? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, QUESTION!

Me:        No need to yell.

Stella:    I am not yelling. I simply have a big mouth. Get used to it. Why don’t you act like the humans on that Picture Box you call TV?

Me:        For one thing, those are mostly actors and actresses. And advertising people who are selling stuff. And politicians. And news reporters.

Stella:    Okay, so everybody is putting on a show. Got it. Why can’t you act more like them?

Me:        You like what you see in humans on TV?

Stella:    They smile a lot.

Me:        You want me to smile more. Like this?

Stella:    Ew, no! Stop smiling!

Me:        Aw, you don’t like my smile.

Stella:    It looks phony. I want you to smile like those TV people.

Me:        And you think their smiles are less phony than mine. Okay. What else do the TV humans do that I don’t?

Stella:    They tell jokes all the time and lots of invisible people laugh.

Me:        Those invisible people are either a studio audience or taped laughter.

Stella:    Yes. Exactly. That’s how our house should be. Lots of laughing all the time. Bulldogs are hilarious. You should be hilarious, too.

Me:        That might be too much hilarity.

Stella:    No. Just be funny and get some of those invisible people in here to laugh.

Me:        What else?

Stella:    We can turn the humans on TV off any time we want to.

Me:        So, you want me to…

Stella:    Turn yourself off from time to time.

Me:        Oh, thanks.

Stella:    You have been staying up later and later which means that we have been staying up later and later. Turn off the Picture Box, the big one and the little one you carry around, and turn yourself off. Go to bed so I can turn myself off and go to bed. Then you will be a true TV human. You push that button and turn them off so they all go to sleep.

Me:        Actually, pushing that button just turns the TV off. The people aren’t affected.

Stella:    You mean they keep on moving around inside that dark box, stumbling into each other, and are never allowed to sleep? NO!

Me:        Don’t freak out, Stella! That is not what happens. The TV people are not in the Picture Box, ever.

Stella:    Are you sure? Maybe we should open it up and see.

Me:        Trust me.

Stella:    Like we trust the people on TV? Sure thing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Step on the Other Dancers – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are dancers. Tap dancers, mostly. But we also do ballet.

Me:        Really? I have trouble picturing that. I’ve seen y’all dance, but never ballet.

Stella:    Just watch me.

Me:        Sticking your hind leg out behind you and shaking it does not quite qualify as ballet dancing.

Stella:    My interpretation of it.

Me:        Okay. If you say so.

Stella:    But I have one rule when dancing, a rule that Wiggles violated.

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Me:        Well, Wiggles is taking a nap now so…

Stella:    The rule, you ask?

Me:        I didn’t really ask.

Stella:    The rule is ‘Don’t step on the other dancers!’

Me:        Sounds like a good rule.

Stella:    All my rules are good rules.

Me:        Okay. If you say so.

Stella:    I do. I saw you trying to dance and Wiggles started her comma dance and stomped on your feet.

Me:        You saw me dancing.

Stella:    I saw you trying. Don’t worry. You just keep on trying. I won’t tell anybody. You could sign up for lessons with me if you’d like.

Me:        Sign up? You teach dance lessons? Since when?

Stella:    Since I saw you trying to dance. Bottom line, as the humans say, don’t step on the other dancers. Rule #1. Rule #2 – Always pay your dance teacher on time. I accept treats at 9 a.m., noon, 4 p.m., and midnight.

Me:        Midnight? I’m not staying up until…

Stella:    All right. Midnight is negotiable. Oh, and remember something else. Don’t dance with Wiggles. She is a foot stomper. And a prima donna.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Freak Zone! What is Going On Here? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am in the Freak Zone. That is like the human Picture Box show “Twilight Zone”, but different, because this is real because it is going on right here, right now!

Me:        I’m sitting right here, too, and I don’t see any freak zones.

Stella:    There is a voice coming out of that little box you carry everywhere.

Me:        My phone? Sure. That’s what a phone does among other things.

Stella:    No. You are not talking to Tall Man. I know his voice. There is a woman in your phone box. She is talking. I can see her. She said your name. AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Me:        She is not IN my phone. She is on my phone.

Stella:    She is trapped inside the little box! They shrunk her! She is trapped! Help her, Lady Human! Help her get free!

Me:        Stella, it is all right. She is broadcasting live on Facebook.

Stella:    Her face is in a book, talking to you? NOOOO!!!

Me:        She is not in the box. She is in another city and she is filming herself with a camera.

Stella:    What does that even mean? City? Filming? Camera? I can see her tiny little self in your box! What kind of place is this?

Me:        Maybe you should look at something else if this freaks you out.

Stella:    Why does this NOT freak you out?

Me:        Because I understand what is going on. Nothing is wrong. I’m sorry that it bothered you. This is just normal for humans now.

Stella:    As I suspected, humans live in the Freak Zone.

Me:        Yeah, sometimes.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Big, Big Sky – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why are you staring out the window?

Me:        I’m looking at the sky.

Stella:    Why are you looking at the sky and not at me?

Me:        The sky is so big. It reminds me how small we are. We need to be reminded of that.

Stella:    Lady Human, are you sad? You don’t feel to me the same as when we laugh together.

Me:        Yes, Stella, I am sad tonight. And I was sad last week, but I think I hid it better.

Stella:    I knew. I didn’t say anything because you didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Are you sad about a human thing?

Me:        Yes. Do you remember when I told you all this morning after breakfast that I was going to church, and that I would see you later?

Stella:    Yes. You say that every week. I don’t know why. I figure church is like the grocery store, someplace you have to go once in a while.

Me:        Well, some of our neighbors here in Texas went to their church this morning and they didn’t come home.

Stella:    Oh. Oh. OH!

Me:        Calm down, Stella girl. Everything will be all right. It doesn’t seem like it, but it will be. This morning at my church, I opened my Bible…

Stella:    That book that smells good like leather.

Me:        Yes. It has very important things in it and it fell open to the 23rd chapter of Jeremiah. The last part of the 24th verse caught my eye. It says, “Do not I fill heaven and earth? saith the LORD.”

Stella:    Is that the Great Creator? Is that His book?

Me:        Yes. I believe that with all my heart.

Stella:    I wish I could read.

Me:        Oh, you do, Stella. You all do in your way.

Stella:    And you are looking at the big, big sky because He fills that sky.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You feel better now. I sense it.

Me:        Yes, some.

Stella:    I feel better, too, Lady Human. Looking at the Great Creator’s big, big sky with you makes me feel better.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Bathroom Maneuvers – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and as queen, it is my duty to inform Lady Human of bulldog misbehavior, unless it is my own. Lady Human, I regret to tell you, but Doodlebug has pulled a Miss Sweetie bathroom trick.

Me:        What? What’s going on? You don’t mean…

Stella:    Yes. No. Maybe. If you are thinking that Doodlebug built his own toilet by stacking his food bowl on his water bowl at a convenient angle, no. He’s not that skilled. Sweetie is a way better…what do humans call it?

Me:        Engineer.

Stella:    Okay. If you say so. Anyway, if you were thinking that Doodlebug aimed at his empty food bowl and peed, then you would be right.

Me:        Doodlebug, why?

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Doodlebug:        Mmmmm. I dunno.

Me:        How come you didn’t let me know you needed to go out?  I just went outside for a minute to throw the trash away. Couldn’t you have waited?

Doodlebug:        No.

Me:        Why not? Are you all right?

Doodlebug:        Yep.

Me:        Do you have a problem?

Doodlebug:        Nope.

Me:        Then why did you pee in your food bowl?

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what I want.

Me:        Oh, no, you don’t do what you want, boy. Nobody gets to do whatever they want. Nobody.

Stella:    Humans do.

Me:        No, humans do not.

Stella:    Ridiculous.

Me:        Humans have rules, standards, guidance that we must live by. They are given to us by the Great Creator, so that we will live and live well. And one of our rules is that we do not pee in our food bowls.

Stella:    Doodlebug did.

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what…

Me:        No, Doodlebug, no. You are getting too old to be acting out like that. Let me know when you need an extra trip outside and you’ll have it. No more peeing in the house!

Doodlebug:        What about in my crate?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in my water bowl?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in Aunt Stella’s water bowl?

Stella:    NO!

Me:     So bulldogs DO have rules.

Stella:     When it comes to my stuff, this bulldog does.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Bulldog Menu – Conversations with Stella and Snoopey

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is time to order supper. Lady Human, I will have the salmon with potato.

Snoopey:   And I will have the lamb and rice. Sweetie is sleeping, so I will order the lamb for her, too. And give it to Tiger. She hates lamb. Ordering for others is great!

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Me:        Hold your horses there, partners.

Stella:    Are there horses here, too? Are they having supper with us? Cool.

Me:        No, it’s an old expression. It’s a friendly way of saying, “Stop!”

Stella:    Will it hold up our meal? This is a terrible restaurant.

Me:        We’ve talked about that before, Stella. This is not a restaurant. This is our home.

Stella:    A nice home. And a terrible restaurant. Very limited menu.

Snoopey:   The service lacks much to be desired.

Stella:    Well, Lady Human, you have our order. The others can put theirs in later. When does the kitchen close?

Me:        We don’t have a menu, Stella, and the kitchen is already closed. We have your regular food, not the salmon or the lamb right now. The store was out. I will have to buy more when they get a new shipment.

Stella:    You don’t make our food? You have someone else make it? You mean we’ve been eating take-out? Snoopey, rate this restaurant as negative 4 stars, whatever that means. Humans seem to care a lot about stars and check marks and sticking their thumbs up in the air.

Snoopey:   Yes, I saw a man doing that on the side of the road. Very popular.

Me:        You’ve seen me carry the big bags of food in. Did you really think that I was fixing it outside and then bringing it into the house in sacks?

Stella:    There is no telling what you do outside and bring into the house, Lady Human. I am afraid to even guess.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Fair Distribution – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am here to represent all the bulldogs in treat distribution matters, but especially me.

Me:        So, this is about you.

Stella:    Of course. I saw you give Doodlebug a treat.

Me:        Doodlebug and I are in training on some of his behavioral issues. The treats reinforce the lessons when he is successful.

Stella:    I am well-behaved all the time. Where is my treat reinforcement? Me, too! Me, too! Me, too!

Me:        You just had a treat.

Stella:    That was years ago.

Me:        That was 30 seconds ago.

Stella:    Seems longer. How long is 30 seconds?

Me:        Shall I count from one to thirty to show you?

Stella:    No, please. The less human talking, the better. Now about this fair treat distribution problem…

Me:        I didn’t know that we had a problem.

Stella:    Here I am. Working hard. Sitting around. Only getting a treat every 30 seconds or so while Doodlebug is getting rewarded for messing around and breaking the rules.

Me:        He gets rewarded when he does something right.

Stella:    How often is that?

Me:        Well, honestly…

Stella:    Not every 30 seconds, is it?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Things I Don’t Need List, Part 2 – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        To continue with the list of things I don’t need…

Stella:    Exactly.

Me:        What?

Stella:    Your list. We don’t need it.

Me:        To continue…I don’t need anyone chewing on the fencing.

Doodlebug:        Me. That was me.

Me:        I figured that out. I don’t need for the gate to be all torn apart.

Doodlebug:        Oh, I can’t tear it all apart at once. It’s going to take lots of chewing and ripping over a long time.

Me:        Next item. I don’t need for any bulldogs to lick the back door.

Snoopey:   If we don’t do it, who will?

Me:        It doesn’t need licking. It is a door.

Wiggles:   Yes, it is.

Tiger:     A wonderful, lick-able door.

Miss Sweetie:   I prefer the inside.

Me:        No one is listening to me, are they?

Stella:    No. We were listening to the crunchy sound of Doodlebug chewing on the gate.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The “I Don’t Need” List – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have a list of things I need…

Me:        Before you get going on that, I have a different list. Things I don’t need.

Stella:    Typical.

Me:        Hear me out. Number one: I don’t need the incessant barking for no reason. I came home today, and everybody was barking and barking and there was no need for it.

Stella:    We will be the judge of that.

Me:        Well, I’m the judge of this. When you all are barking for no reason that I can tell, it sounds very much like you are yelling at me.

Stella:    We would never yell at you. Not all at once. How could anyone understand what was being said?

Me:        Try as I may, I don’t understand when you are barking one at a time. Item Number Two: I don’t need you to chase the cat or egg on anyone else to chase the cat. Doodlebug NEVER chased Moon the Cat before the other day and now he charges her every time he comes in from outdoors. I think you are encouraging him.

Stella:    I am simply urging him to seek his own bulldog path. Cat chasing is perfectly normal for a young bulldog.

Me:        Not in my house.

Stella:    Your house? Since when?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Wild, Weird Sky – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and… hurry, hurry, hurry, Lady Human! Let me in! Weirdness is going on!

Me:        Wait. What? What’s that noise? It sounds like a bunch of dry leaves falling, but there are only a few…it’s sleet! SLEET! It’s sleeting in October! Yee-hah!

Stella:    Ice? The sky is spitting ice at me?

Me:        Well, technically, at all of us…around here anyway. This is so funny. It’s sleeting in October. It was 85 degrees two days ago. And it’s Tall Man’s birthday! Wild!

Stella:    Tall Man’s birthday? Why didn’t you say so?

Me:        He doesn’t expect you all to do anything for his birthday. Except if you can learn to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Bulldogs singing ‘Happy Birthday’. That would be cool.

Stella:    No. No. You can forget that. Nobody tells me what to sing or when to sing it. But I think it is wonderful that the Great Creator is sending him a slushy on his birthday.

Me:        This is cool, but there’s not enough ice falling right here to make a slushy drink. And what’s falling is melting as it hits the ground. So…

Stella:    So, if enough sleet falls, everyone gets a slushy drink?

Me:        I’ve never seen that, but if a lot falls, cars look like they’re wearing overcoats made of ice.

Stella:    Freaky.

Me:        Yeah.

Stella:    But you would never leave me outside in icy weather until I had an ice overcoat, right?

Me:        Right.

Stella:    Or the others either? I act as though I don’t care about them, but really…I do.

Me:        Right. I thank the LORD every day for His mercies and for giving all of us shelter from every storm.

Stella:    Amen.

Me:        And for food.

Stella:    Amen. Big AMEN!

Me:        And for clean water.

Stella:    Amen.

Me:        And for air to breathe.

Stella:    Amen.

Me:        When did you start saying ‘Amen’ to my prayers?

Stella:    I have for a long time now, Lady Human. Didn’t you tell me that the Book He gave you all says, ‘All creation groans…’? We always hope the best for humans. It means so much to us.

Me:        Amen.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Champion Cat Catcher – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! I am so proud of my boy, Doodlebug, that even though he is not my son, I am adopting him as my son and the heir to my cat-chasing, cat-tackling legacy.

Doodlebug:   So now I have 2 moms?

Stella:    Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Doodlebug:   Since you are the Queen and I am now your son, does that mean that I am the King?

Stella:    No.

Doodlebug:        The Prince?

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Stella:    No.

Doodlebug:   Pooh!

Stella:    Because of your great feat yesterday, you are our champion cat chaser, cat tackler, cat…

Doodlebug:   Hugger!

Stella:    No, Doodle! Hush! Ugly talk!

Me:   Stella! Doodlebug is a free-style cat chaser. Not everybody chases cats in the same way. In fact, before yesterday, I had never seen Doodle put any effort into chasing the cat at all.

Stella:   Yeah, and then all of a sudden, he was a natural. I am so proud. He charged around and saw the cat sleeping in your chair. Sleeping in YOUR chair! Where is your self-respect, Lady Human? Allowing a cat to sleep in your personal space? Really?

Me:        And, all of a sudden, Doodlebug was on top of the cat, completely covering her with his big old Doodlebug body. And she didn’t scratch him or bite him or hiss at him.

Stella:    A tactical error on her part.

Me:        He eased back, and she scooted away.

Doodlebug:  Cats are soft.

Stella:    Doodlebug!

Doodlebug:   Cats are cuddly and huggable.

Stella:    Doodle, stop!

Doodlebug:   Cats are our friends.

Stella:    Noooo! Heresy! You are a bulldog!

Me:        Well, Moon the Cat is none the worse for wear.

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Stella:    Awww! The cat is not afraid of bulldogs! The world has changed! All is lost! Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Thingamajig – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans are inventive. Too inventive. They are forever bringing new stuff into the house and most of it whirs or blows air or squeaks or jumps or rattles…

Me:        What have we done now that is so terrible?

Stella:    There is something weird in the hall. What do you call it? A thingamajig. It blows air or sucks air or something. It just sits there and narrows the way for the bulldogs. We have to pass by it to get to any place interesting in the house. Please stop bringing thingamajigs into our world.

Me:        That thingamajig, as you call it, is a dehumidifier.

Stella:    Just as I said…thingamajig.

Me:        It helps keep humidity out of the house. Too much humidity makes the air inside hotter and promotes mildew which is nasty and stinks.

Stella:    Blah. Blah. Blah. Thingamajig.

Me:        Useful thingamajig.

Stella:    How many more of these thingamajigs are you going to bring into the house?

Me:        As many as necessary, but honestly, probably not too many more. That is a human decision.

Stella:    It shouldn’t be. Bulldogs are much more practical about what should go in our living spaces. Treats. Toys. Soft beds. No thingamajigs allowed.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Creatures of Habit – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Tick tock. Tick tock. I’m a clock. I’m a clock. What’s the hold up? LADY HUMAN! BREAKFAST TIME! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Me:        What is the problem? I’m coming!

Stella:    You are late!

Me:        No, I’m not.

Stella:    That’s not what my stomach clock says. It says you should have been here three minutes ago. Wait! What are you doing?

Me:        Passing out breakfast.

Snoopey:   You are doing it out of order. Me first. I am the pack leader.

Me:        No, Wiggles and Sweetie first because…you know. Sweetie has a tight bathroom schedule.

Tiger:     Typical. Poor ole Tiger. Never first.

Me:        Yeah, but you get that special food supplement right before bedtime.

Stella:    Which reminds me, where is our food supplement?

Doodlebug:   I’m next. First Wiggles, then Sweetie, then Snoopey, then Stella, then me, then Tiger.

Snoopey:   Hey, just a minute. Why is mine in my bowl?

Me:        Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Stella:   Why does Snoopey get special treatment?

Me:        Snoopey always tumps her bowl over, so I started doing it for her. She likes it that way.

Stella:    If I want to make a mess on purpose, I guess that will be all right, too.

Me:        Do you want your food tumped?

Stella:    Eat off the floor? No, of course not! Disgusting!

Snoopey:   Why should my big old bulldog mouth be confined to a bowl? The floor is freedom.

Me:        All right. Is everybody satisfied now?

Miss Sweetie:   Potty.

Me:        Oh! Come with me, Sweetie! Hurry! I almost forgot.

Stella:    She would have reminded you. A little too late. Never delay a creature of habit.

Me:   I could stand a little more flexibility from y’all.

Stella:    Flexibility. Pffft, Lady Human. You forget with whom you are dealing.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Arrest of Doodlebug – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby order the arrest of Doodlebug. Offense: Rampaging without a license. Disorderly conduct (even for a bulldog). General disobedience.

Me:        I am trying to catch him now. Can you help?

Stella:    I am not that fast, Lady Human. Sorry. He does not obey anyone. That is why you have my permission, my edict in fact, to arrest him. Take him into custody. Now. Please.

Me:        Doodle, come here!

Doodlebug:        Haha! Catch me if you can. What’s that over there?

Me:        Something that is not yours. Come here, boy!

Doodlebug:        Haha! Nope. What’s that over there?

Me:        My phone! No!

Doodlebug:        Okay. Wait. What’s this over here?

Snoopey:   Hey! My blanket! Leave it alone!

Doodlebug:   Oh, okay! Hey, what’s that?

Stella:    You know. It’s the Cat. Go, Doodlebug, go!

Me:   Stop!

Stella:    Awwww.

Me:        Doodle, stop! There! I got you. Leash arrest.

Doodlebug:   Awwww.

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Me:   Let’s go outside and run around. Get all the excess energy out.

Doodlebug:   Are you going outside, too?

Me:        Sure. I’ll go outside with you.

Doodlebug:   Will you run around?

Me:        No, not so much. Excess energy is not my particular issue.

Doodlebug:   When we come back in, will I still be under arrest?

Me:        Will you behave?

Doodlebug:        No.

Me:   Oh, all right, no. You won’t be under arrest. Never mind.

Stella:   She gives up too easily, Doodlebug. I am the Queen. Do what I say.

Doodlebug:   Mmmm. Nope.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

What is Jury Duty? Do They Serve Food?

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human awakened us for breakfast at an unreasonable hour this morning. It was still dark. Food is good, but not in the dark. Why, Lady Human, why, oh why?

Me:        Hey, at least you all got to go right back to sleep. I had to catch a train into town so I wouldn’t have to deal with traffic and parking.

Stella:    Why, oh why would you get up and leave in the dark to go someplace  called ‘town’ where you never go?

Me:        Jury duty.

Stella:    Nonsense.

Me:        No, jury duty is a real thing.

Stella:    What I mean is that those are just more human nonsense words. What would drag you out in the middle of the night away from your loving bulldogs?

Me:        It was just a little before sunrise, not the middle of the night. Still…you’re right. Every once in a long, long while, people get a jury summons. Our court system calls us to serve on a jury to judge the facts of a case.

Stella:    As I said, nonsense. Blah, blah, blah.

Me:        Suffice it to say, I had to go downtown. I had no choice. To get there on time, I had to leave ultra-early.

Stella:    So, you did this jury duty nonsense thing?

Me:        I showed up. They didn’t need me so they sent me home.

Stella:    Darn tootin’ they sent you back! How dare they take you away in the first place?

Me:        Humans have responsibilities to other humans. This is one of the more minor ones.

Stella:    Is jury duty fun?

Me:        Mmmmm.

Stella:    No fun. Is there a bunch of food? Do you get fed for going to ‘jury duty’?

Me:        Nope. No food. I took my own sack lunch.

Stella:    No fun. No food. Do you play games?

Me:        Nope. No games. It’s all pretty serious.

Stella:    No fun. No food. No games. Do you make a lot of that stuff you call ‘money’?

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    No fun. No food. No games. No money. Why do it then?

Me:        Duty.

Stella:    I don’t want to know any more. Duty does not sound like a bulldog thing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Bulldog F-Word – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogge. There are some words that people should not use, especially not in our delicate ears or the ears of human puppies. Humans have all kinds of ugly words that they use to insult other humans, insult dogs, insult cats…never mind. Insulting cats is an art form.

Me:        Are you saying that there is a bulldog F-word?

Stella:    Of course. You’ve heard it. We have discussed it before.

Me:        And what, pray tell, is that word?

Stella:    You know.

Me:        No, I don’t.

Stella:    Yes, you do. I told you before. I just didn’t admit that it was like the human F-word.

Me:        I don’t remember…

Stella:    Pffft!

Me:        Stella! Really?

Stella:    Pffft!

Me:        Why are you using your F-word at me?

Stella:    You asked for it.

Me:        Well, yes, but I didn’t think you actually had one.

Stella:    Would I lie to you?

Me:        I don’t think so.

Stella:    So, pffft!

Me:        Oh, Stella.

Stella:    What’s wrong?

Me:        Let me quote my grandmother when she heard a dirty word. “Hush! Ugly talk!”

Stella:    Your grandmother must not have been much fun to be around. Pffft!

Me:        Stella! Why are you cussing at me?

Stella:    I don’t know. Maybe because you don’t do what I want you to do.

Me:        Is that a good reason to cuss at someone?

Stella:    It’s a reason. Maybe not a good reason. Pffft.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

All Eyes on You – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Let’s wait and see what happens.

Me:        What’s going on? Why are you all looking at me?

Stella:    Nobody say anything. Just stare.

Me:        Okay, that’s not funny, y’all. Why are you staring at me? Why is nobody moving?

Stella:    Why, Lady Human, whatever do you mean?

Me:        You. All of you. Staring. Without blinking.

Stella:    Yeah, scary, huh?

Me:        Are you trying to scare me?

Stella:    No. Yes. Maybe. Did it work?

Me:        It’s just kind of weird to look down and have everyone focused on me for no reason.

Stella:    It’s never for no reason.

Me:        What is the reason then?

Stella:    Where you are standing.?

Me:        Yeah, what about it?

Stella:    Kitchen.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    We are ready. Whatever you decide to do, we are ready.

Me:        What do you think I’m going to do?

Stella:    Something having to do with food. Don’t worry. We are ready.

Me:        I came to get some water. For me. Just water. For me.

Stella:    No, the kitchen is for food. We are ready.

Me:        I’m not doing any food stuff now.

Stella:    Awwww.

Me:        You want some more water?

Stella:    No, thank you.

Me:        All right then. I am leaving the kitchen now. You can stop staring at me.

Stella:    Sweetie! Wiggles! Take first watch. If she makes a move toward the kitchen, sound the alert. Our sleepy eyeballs can be open in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.