©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Be Still.
Drumming – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Make it STOP! Some human is hitting one of those boxes with one of those sticks and I can’t sleep.
Doodlebug: They call it a ‘drum’ and a ‘drumstick’, but not the kind of drumstick that humans chew on. That is very different and smells wonderful.
Me: You are hearing heavy rain hitting an empty washtub outside. It will stop when it stops.
MoonCat: Or when someone like a human brings the washtub inside out of the rain. Just a suggestion.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Copycat – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Doodlebug is trying to be me. I eat. He eats. I drink. He drinks. I sit down. He sits down.
Me: He’s copycatting you.
Sweetie: Make him stop.
Me: He’ll stop when he gets tired of the game.
Sweetie: Not fair. He’s not copycatting MoonCat and she’s a CAT!
MoonCat: I am one of a kind. Nobody copycats me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Hangnail Hangup – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby: Aaaccckkk!
Sweetie: What’s wrong with Baby, Lady Human?
Me: Nothing now. She was scratching at their curtain and a hangnail on one of her toes got stuck on the cloth. I pushed it out and she’s free.
Doodlebug: Oh, no! Toenails! Clippers! RUN, BABY THE BUDGIE! RUN!
Sweetie: Birds don’t run. They fly. Don’t you know anything? FLY, BABY THE BUDGIE! FLY!
MoonCat: Sit calmly, Baby the Budgie. Avoid all bulldog advice.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Decent Storm – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, outside business time. They say we’re likely to get a decent storm tonight.
Sweetie: A decent storm is one with no rain, no icy sky rocks, no wind shaking the trees. That kind?
Me: Not exactly. Rain, for sure, and maybe some of the other stuff, too.
Doodlebug: So really an indecent storm.
MoonCat: The bulldog vocabulary is improving. And that’s about it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Run between the Raindrops – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Rain, Lady Human…make it stop.
Me: I’m not sure I would if I could. We may need this later. And it’s not that heavy. Do what MoonCat says. Run between the raindrops.
Sweetie: I’m way too wide to do that.
MoonCat: So that’s the problem! And all this time, I thought it was because your short bulldog legs don’t get up to speed quick enough.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Nice Big Bowl of Birdseed – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, can I have…?
Me: No.
Sweetie: But I would like…
Me: No and double no.
Sweetie: You don’t even know what I was going to ask.
Me: You were eyeing the parakeets’ bowl of birdseed which thankfully you can’t reach and no, you may not eat birdseed.
Doodlebug: Just as a taste treat?
Me: Nope. You don’t see me eating it just as a treat, do you?
MoonCat: Not a good argument, ma’am. The list of things that dogs would eat though you wouldn’t would wrap around the world.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Broken
“All the pieces are still here, but how does it fit back together?”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
An Umbrella Hat – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Is the sky planning to spit on us again, Lady Human? I need an umbrella hat.
Me: Such things do exist, but I can’t imagine you keeping it on your head for more than a second.
Doodlebug: It’s not gonna be that bad.
MoonCat: Run between the raindrops. As for me, I’ll stay under the best umbrella, the roof. Better than any umbrella hat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Chasing Running Dirt – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Get it! Dirt! running! Get it!
Me: That’s a bug, not dirt.
Sweetie: Same difference! Get it, Lady Human! Get it!
Me: Aaagh! Too late! Can’t reach it. It’s gone.
Doodlebug: Why are bugs allowed in our space?
Me: They aren’t, but they don’t ask permission.
Sweetie: Not on our watch! Have you ever seen a bulldog foot come down on a bug?
MoonCat: I have. Yuck and yay!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
No Tail to Wag – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, that dog.
Me: What dog?
Sweetie: That dog walking down the road with that long tail.
Doodlebug: Yeah, a long skinny tail like a curved stick that he whacks against things as he passes by.
Sweetie: How come we don’t have tails to wag?
Me: You have tails and you wag them. I see you do it. They’re just not long.
Sweetie: How come? No, don’t tell me. Humans did something to our tails.
Me: Yeah. Bulldog breeding took a few bad turns through the years and your tails corkscrewed and caused you some problems, and well, long story short, you have short tails.
Sweetie: Then buy me a long tail! Humans buy everything. Buy me a long tail that I can whack on things with.
MoonCat: Oh, my, what could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Too Tall – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you are way too tall.
Sweetie: Yeah, taller than Tall Man or the tallest human ever. How ever did that happen?
Me: I’m standing on a step ladder.
Sweetie: Me, too? Me, too?
Me: No.
Sweetie: But I want to be tall.
Me: Why?
Sweetie: Ummmm, so I can reach things that I shouldn’t.
MoonCat: Ah, honesty is the best policy. And height is overrated. Look at me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Staring Contest – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, y’all, what’s going on?
Sweetie: Nothing.
Doodlebug: Nothing.
Me: You are staring at each other. I don’t want this to break out in a fight.
Sweetie: No fight. This is a contest.
Doodlebug: Yeah, who will give up first?
Me: Okay. What’s the prize?
Sweetie: Prize?
Me: Yeah, what’s the winner get?
Sweetie: Winners get something?
Me: Usually yeah, if only bragging rights.
Doodlebug: How do bragging rights taste?
MoonCat: Pretty good.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Nasal Insult – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what stinks?
Me: That’s a pretty big topic. Whittle it down.
Sweetie: Something stinky and flowery just punched me in my delicate nose.
Me: Ah, probably some perfume.
Doodlebug: The Little Human had a bottle and, every once in a while, a mist came spraying out. Terrible.
Sweetie: Oh, no! Some of that mist landed on me. I’m carrying my own stink around!
MoonCat: Let’s be honest. That is not something new.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Well Met!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Fence Peepers – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, look at the fence! We are being watched.
Sweetie: A big bird and a bushy rat wagging its fluffy tail at us. How rude!
Me: A male cardinal and a squirrel. The rain is over and they are out and about.
Sweetie: Move along, spies! Nothing here for you to see!
MoonCat: Spread your wings, fluff your fur, and dry out quickly. The sky is keeping its secrets.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Don’t Spit in My Eye! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I am mad at the sky.
Me: Is this about the rain again?
Sweetie: It spit in my eye! I think it did that on purpose!
Me: Now why would it do that?
Sweetie: Because it’s big and full of water and it can.
Me: Yesterday you thought it was crying on you. What changed your mind?
Sweetie: Its aim is too good!
MoonCat: Better get ready. The spitting is about to start again in a little while.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Teardrops from the Sky – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the sky dropped tears in my eyes.
Me: Rain. Those drops were rain. You’ve seen rain lots of times.
Sweetie: Not when it’s in my eyes. Then I can’t see anything.
Doodlebug: How come no sky drops fell in my eyes?
MoonCat: You didn’t look up. Common sense. Which I understand is a challenge for bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Trees are Shaking Their Hair – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The trees, Lady Human, the trees!
Me: What about them?
Sweetie: They’re shaking all the new hair they’ve grown.
Me: Otherwise known as leaves.
Doodlebug: They swing it this way and that way and this way and that way.
Me: The wind does that.
Sweetie: I don’t see any wind.
Me: Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there.
MoonCat: That’s good news because I don’t see my tunafish.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
If Wishes were Fishes – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, I wish the whole ground were made of dog food. Kibble and treats. Then we could snack anywhere all day long.
Me: As the old saying goes, if wishes were fishes….
MoonCat: Hmmm. Wishes. Fishes. Wish for fish. Wish for tunafish. Well, my day is all laid out.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 