Stop Repeating Yourself – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:     Ruff!

Stella:    What?

Tiger:     Ruff! Ruff!

Stella:    Stop it!

Tiger:     Ruff! Ruff!

Stella:    Stop it!

Tiger:     No!

Stella:    Stop it!

Tiger:     No!

Stella:    Stop it!

Tiger:     No!

Me:        Okay, now I am saying stop it to both of you. What’s going on?

Stella:    Tiger is being annoying. She is barking for no reason.

Me:        Is something wrong, Tiger?

Tiger:     My rear end itches.

Me:        Well, that’s a reason.

Stella:    Nope! I speak fluent bulldoggese and that is not what she was saying!

Me:        What was she saying then?

Stella:    Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! That is not even a real word, Lady Human. She was repeating herself over and over and over and over…

Me:        Sort of like what you are doing now?

Stella:    …and over and over…

Me:        Here, Tiger, let me scratch the itchy spot.

Stella:    Oh, so she gets free scratching as a reward for being annoying and repeating herself over and over and over…

Me:        Scratching is always free. I do not charge for it.

Stella:    In that case, ruff! Ruff ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shut Your Mouth! A Bug Might Fly In – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air has turned warm. Spring has covered the trees with leaves. The sky is clear, sometimes. Everything smells wonderful and…ploof…spew…blegh! Aaaghh!

Me:        And flies. Flies enjoy warm weather, too.

Stella:    Where did it go? Let me at it! Snap! Snap!

Me:        You don’t really want to eat a fly, do you?

Stella:    Eat? No! Smoosh in my big bulldog mouth? Yes! Oh, it’s too fast. And it can fly. Hey, is that why humans call them ‘flies’?

Me:        Could be.

Stella:    Why should flies be allowed to ruin my springtime fun?

Me:        With warmer weather come insects. They have been waiting their turn.

Stella:    Get rid of them. They are buzzing my face. They are trying to invade my mouth.

Me:        Keep your mouth shut then.

Stella:    Easy for you to say. I’m a bulldog.

Me:        They are not flying into my mouth because I don’t let my mouth hang open.

Stella:    They are not flying into your mouth because you barely have a mouth. I have never understood how humans can shovel enough food into their tiny mouths to stay alive.

Me:        Well, at least we don’t have flies using our tongues as landing strips.

Stella:    Wait! Look! There’s a big one. Come on, fella! Right over here! And… SNAP! Awwwggghh! Missed! Don’t fly away! Come back here, you coward!

Me:        Escaping from a bulldog’s open mouth. Is that cowardice or uncommon good sense for a fly?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Eat Unidentified Stuff Off the Floor – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is acting weird which is not weird but is still bothersome. Lady Human, why are you staring at the ground?

Me:        I’m looking for something.

Stella:    A treat? Let me help you.

Me:        No, not a treat.

Stella:    Can’t be worth much then.

Me:        It’s not.

Stella:    Then why are you looking for it? What is it that is so important?

Me:        It’s a cheap little earring. It fell out and I don’t know where.

Stella:    That’s what you get for wearing things in your ears.

Me:        I need to find it before one of you finds it and eats it.

Stella:    Why would we eat one of your ear thingies? Does it taste good?

Me:        No, but the way y’all gobble whatever you locate on the ground, I can’t take the chance of you coming across it before I do. I’ve looked everywhere.

Stella:    Ask the Great Creator where it is. He knows everything.

Me:        Good idea. I just don’t want anyone to chew on it or swallow it and get hurt. Help us, LORD.

Stella:    Look over here.

Me:        I already did, about ten times.

Stella:    Look again at this little thing that is not food, is not a treat, and looks like one of the bizarre dangly things that you wear in your ears.

Me:        That’s it! Praise the LORD! No more worry about a bulldog swallowing it. But I looked over here.

Stella:    You know what I think?

Me:        What?

Stella:    I think the Great Creator heard your prayer.

Me:        Amen.

Stella:    You know what else I think?

Me:        What?

Stella:    I think the Great Creator wouldn’t mind at all if you rewarded your faithful bulldog with a real treat for not eating an earring off the floor.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

The Revolving Door – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Are you back from your vacation?

Stella:    Maybe. Maybe not. It remains to be seen.

Tiger:     Open the big door, please. I need to go outside.

Me:        Okay. Go ahead. Not too long though. It’s pretty warm today.

Doodlebug:   Why is Tiger going outside?

Me:        I guess because she needs to go potty.

Doodlebug:   I want to go outside, too. Do I have to go potty?

Me:        Well…no…not necessarily. Okay. Go ahead. No fussing or fighting. Do you need me to go with you?

Doodlebug:   No, I can potty on my own.

Me:        Well, I understand that. I don’t want you to get into a fuss with Tiger.

Doodlebug:   Okay. I’ll wait. Tiger acts weird when she is outside. She thinks the whole yard belongs to her.

Me:        Yeah. Tiger is a little touchy. I understand why, but we have to work with her. Oh, here she comes now.

Tiger:     Done and done.

Miss Sweetie:    Me. Me. Me. I need to go outside.

Me:        Very well. How about you and Doodlebug and Wiggles all go out together? Less in and out.

Miss Sweetie:    Never mind. I don’t need to go.

Wiggles:   Of course, you do, Sweetie. You always need to go.

Me:        All right. Here’s the deal. Everybody out or everybody in.

Stella:    How rude! Bathroom freedom!

Me:        Even my own parents had a rule about the in and out at this hot time of year. Go out or stay in. No revolving door. It sucks the air conditioning out.

Wiggles:   What is air conditioning?

Me:        It’s that wonderful machine that chills the air.

Wiggles:   I like that machine.

Me:        Well, the revolving door taxes its strength. We need a better system than popping up and down and always wanting to go out or come in.

Stella:    A system? Like you tell me when I need to go potty? Nope. I am the only one to say when I need to go potty. Bathroom freedom for all! Long live the revolving door!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Afraid of the Dark – Conversations with Stella and Tiger

Me:        Stella? Hello?

Stella:    Huh? What?

Me:        It’s time to help with Tiger.

Stella:    Excuse me. I am watching the Picture Box. Hellooo…

Me:        What about the whole “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” thing?

Stella:    That only pops up when I am not on vacation. What’s the problem?

Me:        Tiger doesn’t want to go out because it is dark.

Stella:    So?

Me:        She needs to go out at least to potty.

Stella:    Don’t you think she knows that?

Me:        But she is letting her fear of the dark control her.

Stella:    You are the human. You are in charge. I am watching TV.

Me:        Oh, great.

Stella:    She won’t listen to me anyway. Watch. Hey, Tiger, you are being dumb. Go outside and pee.

Tiger:     Shut up, you! You’re not the boss of me!

Stella:    See? She doesn’t listen to me. She just wants to fight. You’re on your own, Lady Human.

Me:        All right. Tiger, go out.

Tiger:     Nope.

Me:        Tiger, go out now.

Tiger:     No way. I’m not going out there.

Me:        Why not?

Tiger:     It’s dark. I don’t know what’s out there.

Me:        The same thing that was out there this afternoon.

Tiger:     How do I know that?

Me:        Take my word for it.

Tiger:     Well…hmm…nope. How do I know it’s the same out there? How do I know that ugly monsters aren’t lurking out there in the shadows?

Me:        Oh, all right. I’ll go out in front of you and I’ll stay outside until you are ready to come back in.

Tiger:     Really?

Me:        Yes, follow me.

Tiger:     All right…Promise you won’t leave me.

Me:        I won’t. I’ll be right over here. Can you see me?

Tiger:     No, but I hear your voice. I can hear you breathing. I can tell by your scent that you are there. You won’t leave me?

Me:        Nope. I’m right here until you come home.

Tiger:     That’s all right then. The dark isn’t so dark when you are there.

Me:        Are you ready to go back inside?

Tiger:     Yes.

Me:         Let’s go in the house then.

Stella:    Great! Can everybody hush now so I can finish watching my show? No one has any respect for television anymore.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Queen Has To Be The Queen All the Time – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Me:        The barking is deafening. What’s going on? Stella?

Stella:    Huh?

Me:        The whole pack just erupted in barking and I can’t tell why. So… why?

Stella:    I don’t know. Whatever.

Me:        Excuse me, but where is the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges?

Tiger:     Right here. Ready to take over.

Me:        It was a rhetorical question, Tiger.

Tiger:     Still ready, willing, and able, ma’am.

Me:        Maybe you can tell me what caused the outburst just now.

Miss Sweetie:    I can! I can! Me! Me! Me!

Me:        You caused it, or you know why, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:    Both. Wait. What was the question?

Doodlebug:        You started barking because of the cat.

Wiggles:   No, I started barking because of the cat.

Me:        Stella, why did everyone start barking at the cat? She was sitting on top of the big chair, minding her own business.

Stella:    I don’t know.

Me:        Why not?

Stella:    I was watching the Picture Box. That show with big waves and humans turning around fast was on. I love that show!

Me:        But you are the Queen. I count on you to let me know what’s going on.

Stella:    Oh, all right. I did hear the cat. She was hacking up one of those yucky globs of goo and hair, and the others thought it was a big deal.

Me:        Moon was hacking up a hairball? That’s what started all the barking?

Stella:    Yeah, it’s a pretty ugly noise, but not enough to interrupt a good Picture Box show.

Me:        But you are the Queen.

Stella:    Even the Queen needs a day off now and then.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

That’s My Foot You’re Standing On – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My feet feel so comfortable like they are standing on clouds.

Me:        That’s MY foot you’re standing on.

Stella:    No, I’m pretty sure I am standing on my own feet.

Me:        I mean you are standing on top of MY foot. Look.

Stella:    I just see my feet. You are so sensitive.

Me:        I am when a 50-pound bulldog is standing on my foot.

Stella:    Oh, I see. Why is your foot underneath mine?

Me:        Just slid under there, I guess.

Stella:    Then why are you complaining? Besides, I only have one foot on top of yours so that can’t be my whole 50 pounds. Okay, there! I’m not standing on your precious foot.

Miss Sweetie:    I’ll stand on it for you, Lady Human.

Me:        Sweetie, no! Ow!

Miss Sweetie:    Ow! Is that like ‘Thank you’?

Doodlebug:        Nope. It’s like ‘Stop it’. I know. She says that to me all the time when we are outside. I don’t know why.

Tiger:     Y’all are so dumb.

Wiggles:   I’m not dumb. What does ‘dumb’ mean?

Tiger:     Don’t step on humans. Don’t step on dogs. Don’t even step on cats.

Stella:    Oh, I draw the line there. I absolutely will step on a cat, given the chance. Please give me the chance.

Me:        Everybody, just watch where you step. You are not weightless.

Stella:    Not weightless? Are you trying to insult me?

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Outside the Closed Door – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Knock, knock.

Me:        Who’s there?

Stella:    I just said. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Come on in.

Stella:    The door is closed.

Me:        Just bump it open with your nose.

Stella:    I’m not sure.

Me:        Why? Come on it.

Stella:    What’s in there?

Me:        You’ve seen my room. You sleep in it every night,

Stella:    Why is the door closed?

Me:        Humans need privacy sometimes from other humans…and bulldogs.

Stella:    So I should not come in.

Me:        No, you should come in. I am inviting you.

Stella:    Open the door then.

Me:        I can’t reach it right now. Just bump it with your nose.

Stella:    Easy for you to say. I don’t see you bumping doors open with your nose.

Me:        I’ve seen you do it before.

Stella:    What if I open the door and you are not there? Closed doors are mysterious.

Me:        You can hear me.

Stella:    What if I bump the door open and I get trapped in your room.

Me:        Not big deal. I will let you out.

Stella:    You will open the door?

Me:        Sure.

Stella:    So, open the door now. I knew you were holding back on me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

How Many Holidays Do You Humans Have Anyway? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It has happened again. Lady Human is celebrating some bizarre human holiday. The more she celebrates, the less we see her.

Me:        Oh, come on! I hardly ever go anywhere. Celebrations are few and far between.

Stella:    You had one last night and came home past curfew.

Me:        No bulldog curfews for humans, remember?

Stella:    Then you had 2 outings today.

Me:        One was church. One was lunch with family. I don’t see the problem. It was, after all, Mother’s Day.

Stella:    A poor excuse for depriving a bulldog of constant attention.

Me:        Humans have their needs, Stella.

Stella:    Like what?

Me:        Well, like talking to other humans about things other than…well, other than dogs.

Stella:    You do not talk about dogs on these outings?

Me:        No. Not always. I mean, I did at church this morning. A visitor had just gotten a 4-month-old English Bulldog and she was asking me lots of questions.

Stella:    Let me get this straight…

Me:        By all means, please do.

Stella:    This human left her bulldog at home to go to church, which I still don’t understand, so she could ask questions about her bulldog. Is that what you do at church? And why is that allowed?

Me:        We talk about lots of stuff at church. Of course, it’s allowed. Her dog is fine, and I gave her lots of resources to look up.

Stella:    Very well. Church meetings about bulldogs are all right.

Me:        That’s not what church is…Never mind.

Stella:    It sounds to me like you humans are out of control again. It sounds to me like you need to show me your calendar, so I can scratch out holidays that are not necessary.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    But I can…

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    It’s just so…

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Typical.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

The Tongues of Humans – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been very naughty.

Me:        No bulldog has a right to call me naughty. Look in a mirror.

Stella:    You were gone twice today. Not once, but twice. That is one…two…that’s two times too many. What is your excuse?

Me:        Well, this evening I met one of my daughters for dinner for Mother’s Day. She is going on a business trip tomorrow and won’t be here.

Stella:    Not good enough. Why were you gone the other time?

Me:        I went to study in my Gaelic class.

Stella:    Why would anyone study garlic. Dogs can’t even have garlic though it would be wonderful if we could. It smells delicious.

Me:        Not garlic. Gaelic. It is the native tongue of Ireland.

Stella:    What does that even mean? You went away from us to study a tongue. You could have stayed here and studied our tongues. We are happy to show our tongues.

Me:        Sorry, I should have said ‘language’. I went to study the Irish language.

Stella:    You can’t explain anything to us in your own language and now you are studying another one? Wait a minute. Were there Irish dogs at this class? Were you out talking to other dogs?

Me:        Don’t be silly. You can smell my clothes and tell that there were not.

Stella:    Forget Irish. You ought to work on your English Bulldoggese. It leaves much to be desired.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Bulldog It! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are strong. Bulldogs are tough. Bulldogs are warriors. Bulldogs are rough. Bulldogs are…

Me:        Is this a poem you are writing?

Stella:    No, what would make you think that?

Me:        Well, the rhyming.

Stella:    What’s rhyming?

Me:        Never mind.

Stella:    I was making a point about what bulldogs are that you are not.

Me:        Okay, I guess. Hey, is that sort of an insult?

Stella:    It’s not sort of an insult. It is an insult. Bulldogs don’t do things sort of. For example, what are you doing with your hands?

Me:        I’m trying to get this big bag to the front for bulk trash week.

Stella:    If you are trying, it will never get done. Take the advice of a bulldog.

Me:        Oh, my, has it come to that?

Stella:    Why can’t you just move it?

Me:        It’s heavy and bulky, hence the term ‘bulk trash’.

Stella:    Pull on it.

Me:        I am.

Stella:    Not enough. Bulldog it!

Me:        I am.

Stella:    You call that bulldoggy! Pull!

Me:        I am.

Stella:    Stop playing with it and BULLDOG IT!

Me:        Okay, I got it. It’s moving!

Stella:    That’s the way to bulldog it! Now go get that other ugly bag over there. It’s in my way when I go potty.

Me:        I haven’t even finished moving this bag yet.

Stella:    A bulldog would never use that as an excuse.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Free Speech for Dogs Squared – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t tell me not to speak!

Me:        If by ‘speak’ you mean ‘bark’, yes, I will ask you not to speak.

Stella:    You are violating my rights.

Me:        Tall Man and the baby just walked into the house and you all erupted in loud barking. That is not free speech. That is just excited noise.

Stella:    Which we have a right to express whenever we wish.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    How can you call yourself an American, whatever that is.

Me:        Easily. I know the difference between speech and noise.

Stella:    I don’t see a difference. If I want to open my mouth, I have a right to.

Me:        And you are opening your mouth because…why?

Tiger:     I feel like it.

Wiggles:   Everyone else is doing it.

Doodlebug:   I have a great voice.

Miss Sweetie:    I don’t know.

Stella:    I am the queen. Divine right of queens.

Me:        I have an idea. How about a snack?

Stella:    Okay.

Tiger:     I’ll take that.

Wiggles:   Whatever you say.

Miss Sweetie:    A big snack or a little snack?

Doodlebug:   Ready when you are.

Me:        And the free speech debate?

Stella:    Free what?

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

So, Chickens Are Good for Something – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Chickens live in our yard. Why? Lady Human will not let us chase them or eat them. What good are they? Fluffy white little weird two-legged things that have wings but cannot fly, that make loud squawky noises but never say anything intelligent. It’s almost like they are cats.

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Me:        Why are you so down on the chickens? I’ve seen you standing out there staring at them.

Stella:    Because they are funny-looking and funny smelling. And their pointy faces look angry all the time, so I keep waiting for them to tell me why. As queen, I may be able to do something about their complaints.

Me:        Are you now going to be queen of the Silkie Chickens?

Stella:    Hmmm. If they need a queen, I would be willing to serve. But they would have to stop being so weird.

Me:        They don’t think that they are weird. They just think that they are chickens.

Stella:    What is that you have there? Eggs?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    That doesn’t look like the eggs that they have kicked at us in the yard.

Me:        Those were raw. These are hard boiled. I cooked them.

Stella:    How horrible! Lady Human, you cooked the chickens’ babies? NO!

Me:        We talked about this, Stella. These eggs were never going to be baby chickens. There is no rooster. That means there is no daddy. These eggs will just stay eggs. I didn’t notice you and the others refraining from the eggs that they kicked at you. Where was your outrage then?

Stella:    We figured that any eggs they kicked out couldn’t be their babies so…Wait, what are you giving Wiggles, and Sweetie, and Tiger, and Doodlebug?

Me:        I just peeled the shells off the cooked eggs. Would you like to try one?

Stella:    Well, if you’re giving them away…I guess I could taste one…just one.

Me:        Here.

Stella:    Where have these been all my life? More. More! MORE!

Me:        One is enough for now. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. What do you have to say about chickens now?

Stella:    How many chickens are there?

Me:        Six.

Stella:    And how many of these things can they lay?

Me:        About one a day. Sometimes they skip a day.

Stella:    So where are all the eggs they have been laying?

Me:        We and our human neighbors have a claim on them, too, you know.

Stella:    Not anymore.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

The Saw Monster is Loose – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stay away! Stay away! Everybody stay away!

Me:        There’s not a problem, Stella.

Stella:    Yes, there is! The Saw Monster is eating a tree.

Me:        Well, everyone should stay away from the backyard until the tree trimming is done. That’s true.

Stella:    The Saw Monster is loose! Beware! The Saw Monster is loose! Oh, no! Tall Man is out there! Warn him!

Me:        If you’ll notice, Tall Man has hold of the…what did you call it? The Saw Monster. It is a tool that he uses to trim the trees.

Wiggles:   I need to go potty.

Me:        That’s going to have to wait a little until he is finished with the tree. That limb he cut off was stretching way out over the yard. He was concerned that it was going to crack and fall on one of us some day. He is cutting it away and chopping it up, so nobody gets hurt.

Tiger:   Won’t the tree be hurt?

Me:        No, it’s a pecan tree. Pecans self-prune all the time. It was only a matter of time before it dropped that limb. It has done it before.

Miss Sweetie:    I think we should thank Tall Man for saving our lives.

Me:        I think so, too.

Miss Sweetie:    I don’t want any ole tree dropping anything on me, unless it is something to eat.

Doodlebug:   If any old tree dropped anything on me, boy, it’d be sorry. I’d just eat that ole tree up myself.

Miss Sweetie:    Hush up, Doodle. You don’t know anything about trees.

Stella:    Or Saw Monsters. Watch out for Saw Monsters. How do we know that Tall Man is all right out there? I hear the Saw Monster going to town.

Me:        He is wearing protective equipment, even chainsaw chaps on his legs in case the saw slips.

Stella:    The saw can slip? I told you he should not be out there by himself! Everybody, get ready to charge. We’re taking over! The humans do not know what they are doing!

Me:        Nope! Nobody is going anywhere. No interference. You will stay in here where it is safe until he is finished.

Wiggles:   What about potty?

Me:        I’ll take you out on the other side of the yard. Nobody will miss potty time.

Stella:    You’d better believe it. No Saw Monster is cutting into my bathroom break.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You a Lefty or a Righty? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four paws while Lady Human only has two because that is all the Great Creator gave her. I think that was a mistake.

Me:        I would hesitate to say that our Creator made a mistake. And to be precise, I have two hands, not two paws.

Stella:    Same difference.

Me:        Not so much.

Stella:    I feel cheated.

Me:        How come?

Stella:    Look at all the stuff you can do with your paws…

Me:        Hands.

Stella:    Whatever. You have those long, long toes…

Me:        Fingers.

Stella:    Whatever. And when you pet me and scratch me, instead of using both paws…I know, hands…you just use one and it’s almost always that one.

Me:        My left hand. I am left-handed.

Stella:    Sounds to me like an excuse for laziness.

Me:        Don’t you prefer to use one paw over another?

Stella:    Well, my front paws I use about the same, but my rear paws I use for convenient scratching, one for one side and the other for the other. I’m not sure about this left thing you talk about.

Me:        Humans tend to favor one side over the other when it comes to hands. To be perfectly honest, I am ambidextrous.

Stella:    I thought you were human.

Me:        I am. Ambidextrous means that I can use both hands equally. I had to choose one over the other when I was a kid. The school I attended wouldn’t allow me to use both.

Stella:    What? The sillies! I knew I was being cheated. Game changer. Go back to being ambidextrous, Lady Human! I need both your hands all the time.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

That Far Away Look – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and I…

Me: Yes?

Stella: Huh?

Me: You were saying?

Stella: Oh…I was saying that….ah…

Me: You are staring out into space.

Stella: Space? Staring?

Me: You have that far away look in your eyes.

Stella: Keep scratching that spot right there on my back. Ahhh…

Me: You could star in one of those commercials about a vacation spot where everyone forgets their problems and drifts off into a relaxing paradise…

Stella: Huh? How much would a vacation like that cost?

Me: Quite a bit.

Stella: Then I am saving you lots of money, Lady Human. Just keep scratching.

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Snooty is as Snooty Does – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I rule.

Tiger:     Yeah, if you call snooting around, sashaying, and sticking your nose in the air ruling.

Stella:    I’m not snooty. You’re snooty.

Tiger:     No, you are!

Stella:    No, you are!

Wiggles:   It’s a tie. You both are.

Stella:   I am the queen. What I say goes!

Tiger:     Okay, about this whole queen thing. How did that even happen? I don’t remember voting.

Stella:    Nobody votes for queens. It just happens. I was born that way.

Miss Sweetie:    I was born a queen, too, Aunt Stella.

Stella:    No, Sweetie. You’re a nice bulldog, but you are not the queen.

Miss Sweetie:    Why not? I can sashay…a little. I can stick my nose in the air. I can snoot around.

Stella:    That is not what a queen is.

Miss Sweetie:    That’s what a queen looks like to me. Just like you and Aunt Tiger. Snooty.

Stella:    Sweetie! How rude!

Doodlebug:   Rude, but true.

Miss Sweetie:    I still love you, Aunt Stella, snooty stubby nose and all.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

But We Already Have a Garbage Can – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:   And I am Wiggles, Destroyer of Garbage.

Me:        Yeah, I know. I found the remains.

Wiggles:   Isn’t it cool?

Me:        No, it is not cool.

Wiggles:   Waste not, want not. Isn’t that what smart humans say? I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.

Me:        When I throw something away, there is a reason and I expect it to stay thrown away.

Wiggles:   And it did stay thrown away, Lady Human. It stayed thrown away in my stomach.

Stella:    Why don’t I get these gourmet opportunities?

Me:        Since when is garbage a gourmet opportunity?

Stella:    Since it came home in a paper bag and smelled delicious. Paper bags are bulldog clues. They always carry delicious leftovers as you humans call them. What was in that bag?

Me:        What I failed to eat of a sub sandwich.

Stella:    Sandwich. Mmmm. Let me guess. Bread. Meat. Fragrant sauce. Why did you not offer that to me? Why was I not favored with special garbage?

Me:        It’s not good for you. I can count on you not to nose through the trash. I can’t count on Wiggles. I forgot. My mistake.

Wiggles:   Awww. But I disposed of the garbage for you. I am a helpful dog. Think how much less garbage would be on Earth if you just let me run through it.

Me:        You may have a point. You might qualify as the environmental wonder of the world. Still…the upset stomach…

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Wiggles:   Oh, I forgot about that. All right. I’ll just rummage through our own trash. That will still be a big help.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Stealth Spa – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Relaxing, chilling, getting a massage on Lady Human’s bed, calm and collected. I could do this all day every day. Hey! What was that?

Me:        What?

Stella:    No, I said what. Never mind. This is my favorite time of day, unless, of course, it is bedtime when I get almost all the back scratching I want. Almost. Hey, what was that?

Me:        What?

Stella:    Why do you keep asking the same question I am? Are you playing a weird game?

Me:        Umm…

Stella:    Wait! Why are you scratching my belly with just one hand? Where is your other hand? My care and maintenance require two hands. What are you hiding there?

Me:        Nothing important.

Stella:    Aha! I see it. Those nasty nail clippers! Lady Human, for shame! You lied to a dog.

Me:        When did I lie?

Stella:    Hiding toenail clippers during a spa session is a physical lie.  You don’t tell it with your tongue. You tell it with your sneaky, sneaky hand.

Me:        You are always so laid back during massage time, I just thought I would take advantage of the calm and do a little trimming.

Stella:    Lady Human, for shame again! Taking advantage of a bulldog’s good nature and love of belly scratching!

Me:        Why can’t I see some of that bulldog good nature when I need to trim your nails?

Stella:    After the first clip or two, it’s all used up.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

New Rule – No More Dog Parks – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby issue a new rule. From now on and forevermore, no pack member shall visit any dog park. This rule also applies to Lady Human.

Me:        Wait just a New York minute here…

Stella:    Nope. No waiting. The rule goes into effect immediately. I don’t know how long a New York minute is, but I don’t think it is shorter than immediately.

Me:        Your rules do not apply to me. I am a human.

Stella:    All the more reason.

Me:        Is this about that incident by the lake last week? That was not a dog park.

Stella:    All parks with dogs in them are dog parks.

Me:        Well, you may have a point there. You see, I don’t take y’all to dog parks because, honestly, I can’t always count on your behavior.

Stella:    You have taken me to those wilderness places for what you mysteriously refer to as ‘camping’. Aren’t those parks?

Me:        Yes, but there is a lot more space and all dogs are required to stay on short leashes.

Stella:    Although I am reliable, I agree with your point about counting on the good behavior of the others. I mean, Tiger? In public? Really? Remember those tense vet visits?

Me:        Oh, yes. Tiger is definitely not pleased in crowds of dogs. And Snoopey…

Stella:    Rest in peace.

Me:        …was a people dog, but other dogs?

Stella:    Not so much. Therefore, I have taken care of the problem. No more dogs in parks…period. And no more Lady Human in parks. Thus, you avoid making yourself a target for random leg hikers. At least none of us do THAT to you.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved