Early to Bed – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has a bad habit.

Me:  Only one?

Stella:  No, but I am too tired to talk about more than one.

Me:  All right then. What is my failing today?

Wiggles:  You stay up too late. When you should be asleep, you are punching that little black box with your fingers and looking at talking pictures or listening to weird music.

Me:  Yeah, but I wear earphones for the music, so…

Wiggles:  Uh, sensitive dog ears.

Stella:  Uh-huh. Can’t fool us. We know what you’re doing.

Me:  Listen. Y’all can go on to sleep any time you want to. I like to wind down first.

Stella:  Did you get away with this sort of thing when you were a puppy?

Me:  I am a human. I was never a puppy.

Stella:  I can tell. Puppies have better sense than to stay up late when they could be sleeping. IiAlways be sleeping!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Talk Ugly to the Cat – Conversaations with Stella, Doodlebug and MoonCat

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:  Hey, Stinkyface! Move aside!

Me:  What’s all the noise?

Doodlebug:  Stinkyface.

Stella:  Doodle is yelling at Stinky…I mean MoonCat.

Me:  Doodle, cut it out. She’s not bothering you.

Doodlebug:  She’s staring at me with her stinky face.

Me:  And you are barking at her with yours.

Doodlebug:  Hey!

Me:  You know it’s true. Just smell your own breath sometime after one of your outdoor nasty snacks. Now get along with each other and don’t talk ugly to MoonCat.

MoonCat: Meow!

Me:  You see. She agrees.

Doodlebug:  Well, I don’t. I’m a bulldog. You’ll never catch me agreeing with a cat.

MoonCat:  Meow! Stinkyface.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved. 

Brunch Time – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Time to rise and shine. Past time really.

Wiggles:  I don’t want breakfast unless it’s in bed.

Me:  That’s good because we’re way past breakfast time and I don’t serve breakfast in bed anyway. We’ve overslept. So how about brunch?

Stella:  What is brunch?

Me:  Brunch is breakfast, only later.

Wiggles:  I’ll have brunch in bed then.

Me:  I don’t serve…

Stella:  You said you don’t serve breakfast in bed. You said nothing about brunch. I’ll have mine right here.

Me:  You’ll both have yours in the usual place.

Stella:  I’ve said it before, and I say it again. This is the worst hotel ever.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella the Restless – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’m getting out of bed. No, I’m not. I’m getting back up on the bed. Now I’m going to sleep. Nope. I was wrong. I’m back up.

Me:  Do you need to go outside?

Stella:  Yep. Let’s do that.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Whee!

Me:  Okay, back to bed.

Stella:  Yep. Bed. Sleep. Nope. No sleep for anybody tonight.

Me:  Well, I’m going to sleep.

Stella:  Not if I can help it. Whee!

Me:  What is the problem? Why can’t you settle down? I’ve never seen you like this…

Stella:  Problem? What prob…SNORE…

Me:  Okay. Good night, girl.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Put Your Hand on My Head – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I’m waiting, Lady Human.

Me:  You usually are. What are you waiting for this time?

Stella:  Can’t you tell? Look at me. What do you see?

Me:  Your head is tilted toward my hand.

Stella:  Therefore?

Me:  You want me to scratch your head.

Stella:  Ehhh! Wrong! Guess again.

Me:  How about just telling me?

Stella:  Here. My head goes under your hand like this. There.

Me:  And now what?

Stella:  Nothing. Just let your hand rest on my head.

Me:  Why?

Stella:  Because it feels solid. It makes me feel secure. Like you’re in charge.

Me:  But we both know that I’m not.

Stella:  True. But another thing. With your hand on my head, I’m not likely to go floating up into the air.

Me:  Is that a real danger?

Stella:  In this weird world, Lady Human, yes.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Crackly Paper in the Dark – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that noise?

Me: Hmmm?

Stella: That crackly paper noise. Is there a rat eating something in here?

Me:  Mmmm. Nope.

Stella:  Sounds like a rat to me.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  Lady Human! Are you eating in here?

Me:  Maybe. A little bit.

Stella:  Shame on you.

Me:  Shame on me nothing! Remember the crackers, Cracker Girl!

Stella:  That’s different. My crackers are necessary.

Me:  So is my snack.

Stella:  Next time pick something quieter.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Rubbing Shoulders – Conversations with Stella, Wiggles, and Miss Sweetie

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you two up to? Whatever it is, cut it out!

Wiggles:  Move over, Sweetie!

Miss Sweetie:  There’s nowhere to move.

Me:  What did I say about trying to get through the door all at once?

Miss Sweetie:  Uh, I forget.

Wiggles:  Uh, I don’t care.

Me:  Look at y’all, stuck at the shoulders for trying to power through the door at the same time.

Wiggles:  Not a problem.

Miss Sweetie:  Bulldogs power through everything. Stand back and watch.

Me:  Standing back is something I will definitely do.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Time Clock – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  It’s time!

Stella:  It’s been time for a long time.

Wiggles:  Nope. It’s time right now. Lady Human! Bedtime!

Me:  I knew that’s what you were going to say.

Stella:  I would have gone to bed willingly a long time ago.

Me: But I wasn’t ready yet.

Stella:  What’s that got to do with it?

Wiggles:  Hey, enough talk. Time’s a wastin’! Bedtime! My bulldog clock says so and it’s never wrong.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Sanctuary – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:  Lady Human! Let me in! Let me in!

Me:  What’s going on now?

Wiggles:  Hide! Hide! Hide!

Me:  Okay, let me check it out.

Miss Sweetie:  No, Lady Human! Save yourself! And us! Don’t forget to save us!

Me:  It’s just some heavy equipment. Somebody’s got some big job to do around here. It’s a lot of noise, but it doesn’t have anything to do with us.

Stella:  If it’s in our ears, it has to do with us. We need a safe place. What you humans call a something or other. A place where the loud ones can’t get to us.

Me:  A sanctuary?

Stella:  Yeah! That’s the thing! This is our sanctuary where no one can bother us. Now, go and guard the door, Lady Human, so no one can bother us.

Me:  Wait. Is the house your sanctuary, or am I?

Stella:  The one’s no good without the other, ma’am. 

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Trip Yourself Up! – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch where you’re going, son!

Doodlebug:  Sorry, Aunt Stella! Got to hurry!

Me:  Slow down, Doodle!

Doodlebug:  Can’t do it, Lady Human! Never slow down! Never! Never! Nev… Whoop!

Me:  See what can happen when you run everywhere.

Stella:  Big old feet like yours won’t keep you from tripping over them.

Doodlebug:  Who put that corner there? I don’t remember that.

Me:  It’s been there for always.

Doodlebug:  Well, someone needs to fix that double quick. It’s a real sliding hazard. For bulldogs. With big feet. Who run everywhere.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Talking In Your Sleep – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…

Me:  Stella?

Stella:  Rumble…grumble…rum…rum…wow. WOW! WOW! WOW!

Me:  It’s okay. It’s okay.

Stella:  What? What happened?

Me:  You were talking in your sleep. You must have been having a dream. You were moving your paws and wiggling and bulldog grumbling.

Stella:  I don’t remember. What was I saying?

Me:  Nothing I could decipher.

Stella:  Well, that’s no help. How will I know what I was dreaming? It sounded like fun.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bed Making – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  What in the world has happened here?

Stella:  To what do you refer, Lady Human?

Me:  What have you done to my bed?

Stella:  Don’t you mean our bed?

Me:  Not really. My mattress pad is all bunched up. And my pillows are in disarray. And your sleeping on top of the whole mess.

Stella:  And a very comfortable mess it is, too.

Me:  I was only gone for a few minutes. What were you thinking?

Stella:  Well, you left, and I figured that you didn’t want the bed anymore, so I made it up the way I like it.

Me:  Oh, yeah? Well, watch while I remake it the way I like it.

Stella:  Share the bed, she said. You will like it, she said. What is the human definition of ‘share’? Not the same as a bulldog’s, that’s for sure.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Gunning It – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Something horrible just happened outside and it is not a bulldog’s fault!

Me:  Glad to hear that.

Stella:  I am not! It was a human noise, a really bad one. When are you going to get these humans under control?

Me:  News flash. Not going to happen.

Stella:  You heard? What happened out there?

Me:  Yeah, I heard. Everyone for miles around may have heard. Someone with more money than sense gunned a car engine.

Stella:  Gunned?

Me:  Revved the engine up real high. Gave it a lot of gas. Then they sped off down the road.

Stella:  But why would they do that to a rolling box? Are they in a hurry? Do they have to get to the vet’s office?

Me:  Nope. Any reason they have is not good enough to gun an engine and roar away.

Stella:  Humans don’t seem to have good reasons for doing most of what they do. Not to be insulting, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Once Upon a Time, Yesterday – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A long time ago, we had a hailstorm here. And a long, long time ago, we had a big snowstorm here. And another long time ago, we had a thunderstorm here. Lady Human kindly taught me all these special words for weird weather.

Me:  Okay, we had a hailstorm 3 nights ago, a big snowstorm a little over a month ago, and a thunderstorm last night.

Stella:  That’s what I said.

Me:  Not really. Your concept of time is still a little skewed.

Stella:  Explain ‘time’.

Me:  Well…time is…well, we measure time by the sun and… well…we use clocks and calendars to…

Stella:  Enough human confusion, Lady Human, thank you. What you meant to say was that a long time ago, we had a hailstorm here.  And a long, long time ago, we had a big snowstorm here. And another long time ago, we had a thunderstorm here. And it all happened yesterday. The End.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Official Bulldog Inquiry – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This meeting is hereby called to order. Lady Human, explain yourself!

Me:  Oh, great! What now?

Stella:  You know good and well what now!

Wiggles:  I will tell her. All that noise last night.

Doodlebug:  Yeah, how is a fella supposed to sleep?

Miss Sweetie: Yeah, somebody was throwing rocks at the door and the windows. Loud, ugly sounds!

Me:  That was a hailstorm. Hail was hitting the house.

Stella:  A likely story. Then where is that so-called hail now, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Me:  Hail is ice and it melted pretty quickly.

Miss Sweetie:  But it was scary! Why did the humans do that?

Me:  Humans did not do that.

Stella:  Another likely story. Humans take credit for everything else, but when ice chunks hit the house, oh, no, you didn’t have anything to do with that. Who is in charge around here?

Me:  Well, certainly not me.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.  

Yee-Hah! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The young human came in the house. I hear her. Where is she?

Me:  She’s playing in her room.

Stella:  I want to play in her room.

Me:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Stella:  She has toys in there, doesn’t she?

Me:  Oh, yeah.

(A distant voice):  YEE-HAH!

Stella:  Oh, there’s that human call! It means she is having a good time!

Me:  Yeah, she started that early.

Stella:  Everyone should have a happy howl. You taught her well, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Posers – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hop. Hop. Hop. Try to outdo that.

Wiggles:  That’s nothing. Watch this move. Look at my ears. Have you ever seen such perfect form?

Stella:  I saw that on some floppy-eared puppies once.

Wiggles:  How dare you!

Me:  Girls! What’s going on?

Wiggles:  Bulldog business.

Stella:  Nothing that concerns humans.

Me:  I beg to differ. When you two start that posing, I can feel the tension in the air between you. Like two prima donnas vying for position.

Stella:  Prima donnas? What are they? Another variety of bulldog?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Nobody Touches the Toes! – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And nobody…do you hear that, Lady Human? NOBODY touches the toes!

Me:  I’ve heard that before. I don’t care. Eventually, toenails need to be trimmed. Especially when someone lounges around all day.

Stella:  And who would that be? Hmmm? Lady Human? Lounging around all day?

Me:  Hey, my nails are all trimmed.

Miss Sweetie:  You can trim my nails, ma’am.

Me:  Really?

Miss Sweetie:  Here. Here’s my front right paw.

Me:  Okaaayyy…Is this a trick?

Miss Sweetie:  Nope.

Me:  All right. Hey, that was easy.

Miss Sweetie:  You sound surprised.

Me:  I am. I am waiting for the other shoe…uh, paw to fall.

Miss Sweetie:  Go ahead. Trim the others.

Me:  Very well…Done.

Stella:  Not fair. Sweetie is making me look bad.

Me:  She is just being cooperative.  You could cooperate.

Stella:  That goes against everything I stand for. And as for you, Sweetie, cooperation? Not very bulldoggy!

Miss Sweetie:  It’s not that bad, Aunt Stella.

Stella:  Forget it! Nobody touches the toes!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Man at the Door with Food – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there’s a man at the door with food. There is a man with food and he is at the door. Food! Man! Door!

Me:  I know. I know. I am taking care of it.

Doodlebug:  I know how to take care of it.

Miss Sweetie:  Don’t let him escape with the food, Lady Human.

Me:  He is not leaving with the food. He is delivering it. I understand your confusion. We haven’t done this before.

Wiggles:  Food. At the door. Let the food in.

Me:  Hold your horses. These are just regular groceries.

Stella:  Well, why is that? What about us?

Me:  You already have your food.

Stella:  Don’t be selfish, Lady Human. We want your food, too.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Grass Zipping – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no. Not that time of year again.

Wiggles:  Turn it off! My ears are sensitive!

Me:  Sorry. Has to be.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, boy! The grass zipper! Can I chase it? Please!!!

Doodlebug:  I can catch it!

Me: Nope! It might pop you in the face. Or legs. Or some other sensitive place. Y’all stay over there. I’ll be finished in a little bit.

Stella:  Good!

Wiggles:  Great!

Miss Sweetie:  Awwww!

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, how come you get all the fun?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.