Dog Bribery – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s in your hand, Lady Human?

Me:  A snack for Sweetie.

Stella:  Because you want her to do what?

Me:  I’m just being nice.

Stella:  You’re not being “nice” to me. It’s a bribe, isn’t it?

Me:  Well…

Stella:  Don’t feel guilty. Admit it.

Me:  Bribery is not a human virtue.

Stella:  Because humans use it wrong. I’ve heard you all talk. You use it to get somebody to do something they ought not do or to do something they ought to do but aren’t.

Me:  If I’m trying to get Sweetie to cut her sunbath short because it’s too hot, isn’t that the same thing?

Stella:  Of course not. To a dog, bribery is not a bad thing at all. In fact, keep it coming. I’d like to see more of it.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Therefore…

Me:  Therefore what?

Stella:  Where’s my bribe so I will stop talking about this?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

Happy 8th Birthday, Stella! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STELLA!

Stella: Me? Today?

Me:  Yep!

Stella: Yay, me! So what are you doing special for me today? Cake?

Me:  No, you know we hardly ever do cake here.

Stella:  Special food!

Me:  Well, maybe some peanut butter crackers.

Stella:  But I get those every night. That’s not birthday special, Lady Human!

Me:  How about a special rendition of the birthday song?

Stella:  With an orchestra of humans?

Me:  No, just me singing really loudly.

Stella:  I thought this was supposed to be enjoyable. That sounds painful.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Get Me Outta Here! – Conversation with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. No! Absolutely not! I will not go in there! Why have you brought me here? Turn this car around! We’re going home!

Me:  Stella, this nice lady is going to walk in that building with us. You are going to get your shots and e are going to go home. All right?

Stella:  No! Not all right!

Me:  Here. Have a cheese cracker!

Stella:  No! Yuck! How stupid do you think I am?

Me: Well, I can’t believe she turned that down.

Strange Lady:  I’ll carry her out of the car.

Stella:  What’s happening?

Me: We won’t be here long.

Stella:  You’d better believe I won’t be here long! You stay if you want to, Lady Human! I’m pointing my stubby bulldog nose at that door, and I am through it the minute it opens.

Fifteen minutes later

Me:  All right. After that excessive display of stubbornness and petulance, we are back in the car and ready to go home. And what good did all that do? The vet still looked you over and gave you your shots and now she thinks that you hate her.

Stella: Excellent! Nobody should ever take a bulldog’s good will for granted. Now she knows who she’s dealing with.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Family Resemblance – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I’ve been thinking.

Me: Uh-oh.

Stella: I look like a bulldog.

Me:  Yep.

Stella: And Wiggles looks like a bulldog.

Me:  Yup.

Stella:  And Sweetie really, really looks like a bulldog.

Me:  That’s for sure.

Stella:  And Doodlebug looks like…well, a doodlebug.

Me:  That’s how he got his name.

Stella:  But Doodlebug is NOT a doodlebug.

Me:  Nope.

Stella:  So you can still be family even if you don’t look like your family.

Me:  Yes, but regarding Doodlebug, he still looks like a bulldog so…

Stella:  Don’t confuse me, Lady Human. Doodlebug can’t be a bulldog and a doodlebug at the same time.

Me:  Just because somebody’s got a different look or a different name, doesn’t mean they aren’t family.

Stella:  Okay, Lady Human, I guess that means you can be our family, too, even though you look mighty peculiar.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Taste Test – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, cut that out! You know I don’t like you licking on my legs.

Stella: Hold still. It won’t take long.

Me:  No. And why do you do that anyway?

Stella: To see what you taste like.

Me:  What? Like I’m food?

Stella:  You taste like salt. But only after you’ve been outside in the heat. And not after you wash off. So I’ve got to do this taste test quick. Otherwise, you’ll have the flavor of plain old tasteless human again.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Please, Go to Sleep! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! What is going on? Is there an emergency? Should we start barking?

Me:  No, please don’t!

Stella:  There is a bright light. Is the sky on fire again?

Me:  No, everything is calm.

Stella:  Then why are you awake and, more importantly, why am I awake?

Me:  I’m just playing a game on my phone. I’m a little wakeful.

Stella:  Should I lick your face?

Me:  No, that will not make me sleepy. Quite the opposite.

Stella:  Should I stare at you without blinking?

Me:  That won’t help either.

Stella:  I know what to do. I will pound you with my paw until you put your black hand box down. That will work.

Me:  Oh, all right.

Stella:  Works every time. Now GO TO SLEEP!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Two Stars – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is time for my occasional review of the hotel staff where we reside.

Me:  Once again, this is not a hotel. This is our home. And we are not your hotel staff.

Stella:  You could have fooled me. I give an overall score of two stars out of…wait, one, two, three, four, five…out of five stars. I had to count toes to make sure.

Me:  We only get two stars?

Stella:  I am being generous. For example, lunch and supper were late today, but I gave you two stars since you did remember.

Me:  Both lunch and supper were on time.

Stella:  Not according to my stomach clock. And Doodlebug had to wake you up this morning or you would have slept through breakfast.

Me:  He does that every morning. I wait for him. And you did sleep through breakfast.

Stella:  I prefer a late breakfast. The customer is always right.

Me:  Again, this is not a hotel. You are not a customer.

Stella:  With that attitude, you will never earn your third star. Too bad.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

Lamb’s Quarter Forest – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It’s a forest, Lady Human. Our wonderful bulldog land has turned into a forest.

Me:  Bulldog land? You mean our yard?

Stella:  What else could I mean?

Me:  Of course. Sorry. The lamb’s quarter has been prolific this year.

Stella:  Does ‘prolific’ mean ‘taken over’?

Me:  Well, temporarily. But…

Stella:  But I could get lost out there. It is crowding our paths and shadowing the ground.

Me:  Think of it as shade in the summer heat.

Stella:  No. What are you going to do about it?

Me:  Right now, nothing. The lamb’s quarter can be edible. And it’s not a bad thing to have another food source.

Stella:  Food for us?

.Me:  It’s like a giant garden salad. But precautions have to be taken. And I don’t know about you all.

Stella: Nope. You forgot who you were talking to. We are bulldogs. We don’t do green food.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bingeing – Conversations with Stella


I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, stop staring at your little hand box.

Me:  Huh?

Stella:  Put your little hand box down.

Me:  I’m watching something.

Stella:  You’ve been watching something all day long.

Me:  Huh?

Stella:  If you want to stare at something, stare at me.

Me:  Well, I’m binge watching this show. You see, there’s this family and they’re in trouble with…

Stella:  Binge? I don’t know ‘binge’.

Me: Sure, you do. Bulldogs binge all the time, only with y’all it’s food or treats or naps…

Stella:  Oh, you mean living. Then we will go on binge living and you can join us when you decide to binge live, too.
 


Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Count to Three – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  I am owed another cracker.

Me:  I don’t think so.

Stella:  How many crackers do you need?

Wiggles:  All of them.

Stella:  Then there won’t be any for me. No fair.

Me:  Think, Wiggles. You got one when you came in my room to go to bed.

Wiggles:  One.

Me:  You got a second one when you got into your bed.

Wiggles:  Two.

Me:  And when Stella came in, you got a third one.

Wiggles:  Three.

Stella:  Hey, wait! I got one when I came in and then I got one more. I’m the one who is owed another cracker. I can count to three.

Me:  Oh, all right. I was saving this last one for myself. But since it’s important to you, here you go.

Stella:  So you won’t get one, Lady Human.

Me:  Not tonight.

Stella:  But I got three and Wiggles got three. That seems fair. All right.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Firecrackers – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are those noises, Lady Human, and you don’t have to tell me. I know the humans are doing something loud again.

Me:  Those are just some firecrackers somebody nearby is shooting off.

Stella:  Fire crackers?

Me:  Yeah, not the big ones.

Stella:  Why would anybody shoot a cracker? What a waste! I will take them. Do they taste good?

Me:  They are called firecrackers because of the sound they make. They are not your type of cracker.

Stella:  Aren’t they made with cheese?

Me:  No, they’re made with explosives. In other words, they blow up.

Stella:  Why are humans always blowing things up?

Me:  I have no real idea.

Stella:  Well, y’all better leave my type of crackers alone.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Bag in the Hand – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’d’ya bring me, Lady Human? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Me:  Bring you? Well, nothing.

Stella:  Nothing! What have you been doing?

Me:  I went grocery shopping for me.

Stella:  Typical human selfishness.

Me:  Hey, I shop for you all plenty.

Stella:  What’s in that bag in your hand?

Me:  Limes.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Potatoes.

Stella:  Mmmm…naw.

Me:  Butter.

Stella:  Maybe later.

Me:  My turn to say ‘Nope’.

Stella:  From now on, keep your food bags to yourself. Teasing is no fair.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Nose Activity – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What smells?

Wiggles: EVERYTHING.

Stella:  Yes, but something smells bad.

Me:  I understand y’all’s prowess in the nasal receptor realm, but nothing smells bad in here right now which is unusual in and of itself.

Miss Sweetie:  I smell the bad. I think it is from those flowers the humans like. I am going out so I don’t have to smell them until they dry up.

Me:  What makes you think that you are not going to smell flowery stuff outside?

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, yeah, but outside there is so much more air.

Me:  I can’t even smell the flowers.

Doodlebug:  That’s because you ruined your nose, Lady Human, by carrying around flower water in a bottle.

Me:  The lavender oil.

Doodlebug:  Eeewww! Yes!

Miss Sweetie:  Don’t even mention it.

Wiggles:  If you are bringing that out, I am leaving the room.

Me:  I have seen each of you stick your respective noses into all kinds of gross stuff and you hate lavender oil?

Stella:  A bulldog’s nose is far more discerning than a human’s. Humans need to get better taste in their noses.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Something Fishy – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You have done it again, Lady Human. You have gone somewhere and have come back all smelly.

Me:  Well, yes.

Stella:  It wasn’t someplace good that served beef or barbeque.

Me:  Well, no, they did not serve beef, but…

Stella:  Something from the water. Hmmmpph! Fish! And you brought some home with you.

Me:  Your nose amazes me.

Stella:  It would not have been my choice, but I’ll settle. Give it here.

Me:  My leftover catfish?

Stella:  Eewww! Cat fish! In that case, a million times no! On second thought, let me have a taste. How bad can it be? Even if it is named after cats.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Show Me Your Hands! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  And I still don’t have my third cracker.

Stella:  Third cracker? How come she gets three crackers when I only get two?

Me:  Well, sometimes I’m hungry and I eat one as a snack.

Stella:  What? Are you palming one now? Show me your hands!

Me:  Am I a card dealer now who has to show you my hands?

Stella:  I don’t know what that card thing means, but you do if you are sneaking crackers!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running with the Horses – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Explain yourself, Lady Human.

Me:  Whatever do you mean?

Stella: You were gone all afternoon and you came back smelling funny.

Me:  You can smell that? Huh.

Stella:  You’ve been around some animal.

Me:  Truth be told, I went to a horse racetrack with a friend.

Stella: Horses? Like on the Picture Box? But they could have run over you!

Me:  Naw. They were running on a track or walking around the parade ground before a race.

Stella:  You raced them! Lady Human, I had no idea that you were that fast. You seem pretty slow around here.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Egg Breath – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wiggles, stop getting in Lady Human’s face. That’s rude. Fun, but rude.

Wiggles:  I smell them. Where are they?

Me:  Wiggles, please.

Wiggles:  Eggs. You have eaten eggs. They are on your breath.

Me:  Sorry, I need to brush my teeth.

Wiggles:  No, don’t. I like it. Now, where are mine?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Do You Have Enough for Everyone? – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Do you smell that or is it a dream?

Stella:  I smell it. Lady Human?

Me:  Um-hmmm?

Wiggles:  You have eggs.

Me:  Uh-huh.

Wiggles:  Mine.

Stella:  Mine.

Me:  No, I think they’re mine.

Stella:  They? There are more than one? Egg-cellent!

Wiggles:  Why are you tempting us, Lady Human?

Stella:  You brought eggs around us. You knew what would happen. Now all we want to know is: Did you bring enough for everyone?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Dogged – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, please explain to me what Doodlebug is doing.

Stella:  Isn’t that obvious? He is wrestling a tree.

Me:  Doodle, why are you fighting that little tree?

Doodlebug:  It…is…stubborn. It… won’t… give… me… its…leaves.

Me:  How…come…you…need…its…leaves?

Doodlebug:  I…don’t…know.

Me:  Well, you are dogged. I’ll give you that.

Stella:  Oh, he’s dogged. He’s a bulldog.

Me:  Dogged means determined, not giving up.

Stella:  Like I said. Why are you repeating me? Dogged bulldog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Chinchy – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, Lady Human, what is the meaning of this?

Me:  A cracker. Your favorite.

Stella:  Uh, my crackers don’t look like this. This one is ragged on one side and about half the size.

Me:  Well, I broke it in half so you and Wiggles could both have at least some. I was running a little low on crackers.

Stella:  And how did that happen? What about human planning?

Me:  Human planning ran a little short this time, too.

Stella:  So, you decided to be…what is that word?

Me:  Chinchy. Stingy. Miserly.

Stella:  How many words do you humans have for shorting a bulldog on her crackers?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.