I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, we need our own bathroom inside the house.
Doodlebug: Going outside at all hours is too inconvenient for us and for you.
Me: No. No. Absolutely not. A line has to be drawn sometimes and this is one of those lines.
Sweetie: How come? MoonCat gets her potty in the house.
Me: Cats are different.
MoonCat: Amen to that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I don’t give a hoot nor a holler about all that stuff on TV. I need something funny to watch.
Sweetie: Hoot?
Doodlebug: Holler?
Me: Yeah, like when people are laughing or cutting up.
Sweetie : Cutting up?
Doodlebug: This is just getting more confusing.
MoonCat: Welcome to my bulldog world.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come your head is stuck all the way inside the big cold box?
Me: I’ve got a hankering for something to eat, but I don’t know what.
Sweetie: Can I have a hankering? It sounds delicious.
Doodlebug: Me, too! Me, too! Are hankerings crunchy?
Me: The hankering is your want-to. The desire. The hunger.
Doodlebug: I’ve got all of that.
Sweetie: Yeah, hand it over, whatever it is.
MoonCat: Be careful what you hanker after.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, your nose is wet. My nose is wet. We are twins. Hey, your nose is bubbling. Not fair. Where are my bubbles?
Me: I guess we aren’t twins after all.
Doodlebug: My nose is dry. Not fair.
Me: Don’t worry. You’re not missing a thing. Running noses are nothing to sneeze at.
Doodlebug: Noses can run off?
MoonCat: If a nose starts to run off, just let it go.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Don’t lean too far to the right or the left. You may not be able to straighten up.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: So how did your meeting go? Did you keep minutes?
Sweetie: Minutes? No. Isn’t that one of those human clock things?
Me: What did you do during the meeting?
Doodlebug: I started it, but then I fell asleep so…
Sweetie: My paw itched and I licked it. Then I looked around the room. Then MoonCat got up and stretched and I called her out of order. I like calling stuff out of order.
MoonCat: Not half as much as I like being out of order.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call the Pack meeting to order.
Me: Okay, what’s happening now?
Sweetie: Doodlebug, MoonCat, and me present. The parakeets are observing.
Baby and Bud: Ack ack!
Sweetie: No, you don’t get to talk. Out of order.
MoonCat: Yes, out of order. The very definition of a bulldog-led anything.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Why is the sun so bright? Doodlebug stinks. MoonCat is too far over on the cushion. And ..
Me: Sweetie, you’re running off at the mouth again.
Sweetie: I haven’t run off anywhere. I’m right here. And…
Me: I mean that you’re complaining too much.
Sweetie: Are you saying I have a big mouth? Well, the Great Creator made my mouth big for a reason, so I figure He means for me to use it.
MoonCat: And He made my teeth sharp. So I figure He means for me to use them when needed. Get my point?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Whoa there! Don’t put your foot on the rim of that bucket.
Sweetie: What bucket should I put my foot on?
Me: No bucket at all. It could get tumped over.
Doodlebug: Tumped over? Cool!
Me: No, not cool. It would make yet another mess to clean up.
Sweetie: What can I tump over then?
MoonCat: It’s not the tumping. It’s the mess. Tump something empty all you want to, but stay away from my tunafish.
Sweetie: Great! Thanks!
Me: Wait just a doggone minute. Who’s in charge here?
MoonCat: Oh, Lady Human, that question was answered a long time ago.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s going on? Are y’all having a staring contest?
Sweetie: Shhhh! We’re having a staring contest.
Me: That’s what I thought. As long as it doesn’t turn into bulldog fight.
Doodlebug: Why would we interrupt a staring contest with a fight?
Sweetie: Yeah, we can’t fight with our eyes. Can we?
Doodlebug: Don’t look at me like that!
Sweetie: Don’t you look at me like that!
Me: Break it up. Contest over.
MoonCat: I win.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the big fan is off.
Me: I know. Tall Man is checking the breaker box. He thinks there’s a problem with a bearing.
Doodlebug: Breaker. Box. Bearing. Huh?
POP!
Sweetie: Whoa! Whoa! Sparks from the fan! Fireworks inside! No way! Not allowed!
Baby and Bud: Aaacckk! Aaacckk! Cool! Pretty!
Me: It’s okay. Just some sparks. They’re out now. Goodbye, ceiling fan.
Doodlebug: Fans don’t shoot off fireworks. Even I know that.
MoonCat: Oh, the joys of human invention!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“”You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Oh, wait. You don’t have a back to scratch. Go ahead and scratch mine anyway.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Aaaaaaa! What was that?
Sweetie: The sky broke! What have the humans messed up now, Lady Human?
Me: It’s a thunderstorm passing over.
Sweetie: I was asleep.
Me: So was I.
Doodlebug: Why do this at night?
Me: Atmospheric conditions.
Sweetie: Sounds like a made-up excuse for y’all to get by with something. MoonCat! Are you awake?
MoonCat: I am now.
Sweetie: The humans have cracked the sky again.
MoonCat: They broke it. They bought it. Good night.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: All right, y’all. I have a bone to pick with you. The trash bag is off limits.
Sweetie: I’ll pick a bone with you anytime, Lady Human. Where is it? Is it in the trash bag?
Me: Not a real bone.
Doodlebug: Not a bone? Then why say “bone”? Now you’ve got me thinking about bones.
Sweetie: Why do humans talk about food all the time?
MoonCat: Why do you? Which reminds me? Are there any tunafish treats left? You can keep the bones.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Loud noises of the chicken kind, Lady Human. Do I need to rush to the rescue?
Me: Naw, one of the chickens has a beef with another one.
Sweetie: How did a chicken get a hamburger? And where’s mine?
Me: Not beef beef.
Doodlebug: Now I’m really confused.
MoonCat: Allow me to explain. A chicken is complaining. The humans have taken a word that makes no sense to describe that.
Sweetie: So where’s the hamburger?
MoonCat: Nevermind.
©️ 2026. H.J.Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde Engkish Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The humans are at it again!
Doodlebug: They are barking into each other’s faces.
Sweetie: How come humans complain about our barking when they are just as loud?
MoonCat: Hand out bark collars all around.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I heard a big clunk, Lady Human, and now this dark wet stuff is all over the floor. AND I DIDN’T DO IT!
Me: I know you didn’t. Calm down. Tall Man knocked a bottle of cherry juice over. He’s already cleaning it up.
Doodlebug: How come he knocked it? Didn’t he like the cherry juice?
Me: Gravity helped.
Sweetie: Who’s Gravity?
MoonCat: Whoever it is, keep it away from my tunafish.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human!
Me: Yes?
Doodlebug: That took awhile.
Me: I was asleep in case you hadn’t noticed. What’s the need?
Doodlebug: Potty.
Me: Okay…Finished? Okay, back to bed. Good night.
Sweetie: Lady Human!
Me: Oh, no. What now?
Sweetie: Potty.
Me: You couldn’t have gone out when Doodlebug did?
Sweetie: It didn’t occur to me then.
Me: Okay. MoonCat, how about you?
MoonCat: No, thank you. I have my own arrangements for that sort of thing. But…
Me: Yes?
MoonCat: A midnight snack would not go amiss. Tunafish will be acceptable.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
“Tall. Short. Dark. Light. Skinny. Fat. So what? It’s okay.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The Little Human looks all fancy. How come?
Doodlebug: I am the King and I don’t even have stuff that fancy.
Me: She’s going to a big party. Everybody is dressing up.
Sweetie: I want to dress up!
Doodlebug: I want to dress up!
Me: Okay. I’ll pull out y’all’s sweaters.
Sweetie & Doodlebug: NO SWEATERS!
MoonCat: I heartily concur with my bulldog companions. Besides, I am well-dressed just as I am. What I really want is a party.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 