I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie? What are you doing with your mouth?
Sweetie: Nnnuf nnn.
Me: Is something wrong with your lip?
Sweetie: Nnnn.
Doodlebug: She’s trying to be quieter.
Me: By biting your lip?
Sweetie: Ma eee.
Me: You can just close your mouth or pant without verbalizing.
MoonCat: Could we maybe have just a few more minutes of the bite your lip thing? We can all do it. So restful.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: You should stay a human, Lady Human. No more funny old bird nonsense. You don’t have the wings. You don’t have the feathers.
Me: We use the word “bird” sometimes to mean something weird.
Baby and Bud: Oh, so humans think birds are weird. Well, same to you!
Me: No, we think birds are fine. We think we are weird. Sometimes. Now and again. On certain days.
MoonCat: Are you weird, ma’am? I just assumed you were being human.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. If you are a funny old bird as you say, Lady Human, where are your wings?
Me: I didn’t get that part of the equipment.
Sweetie: Good! At least, you can’t just fly off and you don’t shed feathers like the messy budgies.
Baby and Bud: Hey! A bulldog can’t call a budgie messy! Ackk!
MoonCat: You don’t really think you’re a bird, do you, ma’am? ‘Cause if you do, we’re ALL in a world of trouble. Just sit in a human chair and calm down for a while.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Why are you staring at the sky, Lady Human? Is there a storm coming?
Me: Almost always, but I was just thinking. I’m a funny old bird.
Sweetie: Stop that thinking again, ma’am. You know it causes nothing but trouble.
Doodlebug: She does have two legs like a bird.
MoonCat: By that reasoning, I have four legs, so I must be an elephant. Better watch out.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. After the other day’s food fiasco, I have called a meeting to…
Sweetie: To guarantee the quality of all our food and treats. These matters must not be left in human hands any longer. All food will be inspected and approved by me.
Doodlebug: Why you?
Sweetie: My food.
Doodlebug: Mine, too!
Sweetie: Mine first!
MoonCat: To guarantee food quality, won’t we have to guarantee that there’s food? Don’t the humans do that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Sometimes bulldogs just won’t move on their own. Get help.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ew! Take it away! You call that food?
Me: Well, yeah, it is food.
Doodlebug: It has the smell of that crumbly stuff on the edge of metal.
Me: Rust? I guarantee there is no rust in this and no metal. At least, none that I put in there.
Sweetie: My delicate nose is horrified.
MoonCat: Don’t worry, Lady Human. You can’t help it that you don’t have a delicate, horrified nose.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Whoa! What was that?
Sweetie: I’m on it! Check in there! I’m checking Lady Human’s room!
Doodlebug: Nothing! What about outside?
Me: I just checked the front porch. All still and quiet out there.
Doodlebug: Wow! Lady Human! You’ve got a big metal stick in your hand! Cool!
Sweetie: I could stand to have a whole army of bulldogs right now.
Me: I don’t think we could manage even a platoon of bulldogs, much less a whole army.
MoonCat: It pays to be prepared. Where is that rooster and his chicken army when you need them?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. She’s doing it again, Sweetie. That thinking thing.
Sweetie: Stop it, Lady Human! Stop thinking too much! It makes you sad and that makes us sad.
Doodlebug: Hey, why don’t we pull a stunt? That’ll give you something else to think about.
Me: I’d rather you not.
MoonCat: Think, but change the subject. I’ve been thinking I might like some tunafish. And I know what you are thinking. No, I do not overthink tunafish.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you have that serious bulldog look on your face again.
Me: Yeah. You might say I’m chewing on something.
Doodlebug: How can you chew with an empty mouth?
Me: My mind is working on a problem.
Sweetie: That doesn’t sound like it tastes very good.
MoonCat: Get some real food, ma’am. All dogs and cats know the real stuff is the only thing worth the effort. Unless it’s a cat toy.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you are frowning. I know the signs on your face.
Me: I’m reading some complex stuff and I have to concentrate.
Sweetie: If the stuff you are reading is making you frown, let me chew it up. That’ll get rid of it.
Me: It doesn’t exactly work that way.
Sweetie: Bulldogs know how to handle these things.
MoonCat: Oh, yes, let’s get the bulldogs to handle things. If you thought we were in trouble before, just wait.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Did you hear what that talking human head on the Picture Box called me? Flat face! Human faces are a lot flatter than mine and what’s wrong with having a flat face anyway and…
Me: Just ignore it. Everybody’s got opinions. I think you’re adorable.
Doodlebug: I think you’re adorable, too, Lady Human, flat face and all.
MoonCat: Bulldogs just don’t know how to give a compliment.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Every precious thing needs a guardian.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you have a big tangle of long hairs in your hand. Are you collecting them?
Me: No, I am throwing them away.
Doodlebug: How come they’re in your hand and not on your head where they ought to be?
Me: I’m shedding a lot right now and some are breaking off. Not enough protein, I guess.
Sweetie: Eat our food! We shed a lot and we’ve still got tons of hair. Take some of our shed hair, too, and glue it on to yours. We’ll share!
Me: You already do.
MoonCat: Never accept a donation of hair from a bulldog. They won’t take it back and it will stay with you forever.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why do the chickens leave those rolly balls laying around? They don’t play with them.
Me: If the eggs are fertilized, they turn into baby chicks. But these aren’t, so they just get eaten.
Sweetie: Do you mean to tell me that every one of these chickens started out as a rolly ball?
Me: I do mean to tell you that, even Roo-Roo the Rooster.
Sweetie: And that pale goo inside the rolly balls turns into chickens?
Me: Yep.
MoonCat: Enough! No more! TMI, even for my strong stomach.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, look at this cute little rolly ball I found. I’m gonna knock it into that hole over there. Boom!
Me: Uh, not a ball, Sweetie!
Doodlebug: It is now.
Me: That’s an egg.
Sweetie: In it goes. I win. Ew. The ball is all gooey on the inside. Don’t worry. I’ll lick it up.
MoonCat: Now that truly is an egg in a hole.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The patio floor feels like fire, Lady Human!
Me: Hotfoot it over to the grass.
Sweetie: I’m hotfooting as fast as I can.
Me: Good. Now isn’t that better?
Doodlebug: But we still have to go back over the hot rock.
Me: I can spray some water on it. Or you can wear shoes like I do.
Doodlebug & Sweetie: NO SHOES!
MoonCat: Water on hot concrete. Nice and steamy. Almost like a bath. Yuck!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: You’ve done it again, Lady Human. You left the sun running full blast when it needs to be turned down.
Doodlebug: The sun did go down last night. I watched it through the window.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it came back up which means somebody didn’t turn the right knob.
Me: Y’all don’t seem to understand how little control humans have over stuff like the sun.
MoonCat: That’s good news. In my book, the less control humans have, the better.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Doodle, Lady Human is weird. She takes those pieces of cloth she calls “clothes” and throws them into a big metal box that growls at them. And then they come out all wet from crying and she throws them into a hot box that tosses them around and around.
Doodlebug: The clothes are like our towels. They can’t cry. They are flat and still until she puts them on. Then they move like her.
MoonCat: You know. Like sweaters.
Doodlebug and Sweetie: NO SWEATERS!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Fence sitting is harder for some than for others. For giant rear ends, it’s pretty much impossible.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 