Dirt Fill – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint.

Me: Am I surprised?

Stella:  If you are, you shouldn’t be. Have you seen how much dirt is in this here house?

Me:  As a matter of fact…

Stella: Where does dirt come from?

Me:  In case you haven’t noticed, dirt is everywhere we walk. The whole earth is made of the stuff in one form or another.

Stella:  That’s fine for outside…

Me:  I agree.

Stella:  But why are you bringing it inside?

Me:  Before you point the paw at me, check your feet.

Stella:  My feet are fine…oh, what’s that stuck to my toes?

Me:  TTiny pieces of the earth that accompanied you inside.

Stella: Well, you can tell those earth pieces to get right back outside where they belong.

Me: I’ll sweep them out.

Stella: And while you’re at it, sweep your feet. And mine. Dirt and bulldogs don’t mix.
 


 
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.     

The Human Zoo – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans will tell you that they are well-behaved, self-controlled, and super smart. I’m not so sure. Lady Human, what are you all doing?
Me: Nothing.
Stella: I don’t believe that. What is that squealing down the hall?
Me:  Oh, you know, the…
Stella:  The little human is squealing over some human game. Why? You don’t hear us making all that noise.
Me:  I hear y’all making a whole lot bigger noises than that sometimes.
Stella: And what’s all that door slamming?
Me: Oh, she and Tall Man are in a hurry. They’re getting ready to go to the zoo.
Stella:  The zoo? With all the big wild animals?
Me:  Yeah.
Stella:  Well, they ought to feel right at home then.
 
 
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
 

Snack Bar – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Wiggles:  Snack bar’s open!
Miss Sweetie:  Woo-hoo! Snack bar!
Me:  Wait! What snack bar?
Doodlebug: Num num yum. This is good stuff!
Me:  NO! That’s the cat’s food!
Wiggles: Was.
Stella: If it was the cat’s food, why did you open the snack bar?
Me: I forgot and left her bowl where you could reach it. It’s not a snack bar.
Doodlebug: Tasted like a snack bar to me.
Miss Sweetie: Is this snack bar going to be open all night ‘cuz I enjoy a good midnight treat.
Me: Once again, it is not a snack bar.
Stella: Poor Lady Human. She doesn’t even know she runs a snack bar.



 
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
 
 

Playing Hooky – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Explain, please, Lady Human!

Me:  Explain?

Stella:  You were gone for 200 years today.

Me:  Sorry, hon, but your understanding of time is a little skewed. No way is today 200 years long.

Stella:  A likely story and a poor excuse.

Me:  Look, sometimes I go special places where I cannot include you.

Stella:  Then those places cannot be that special. What was it this time? One of those places that sell those sticks you scratch paper with?

Me:  As a matter of fact…

Stella:  Did I give you permission to go?

Me:  I don’t need permission. I am not a student playing hooky, okay!

Stella:  If you had stayed around here, we all could have played hooky and you would not be in trouble now.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Pillow Talk – Conversations with Stella, Miss Sweetie and MoonCat

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sleep, Lady Human! Peace! Quiet!

Me:  I’m not the noise maker this time. What’s going on?

Miss Sweetie:  Nothing. MoonCat and I were just talking.  Free speech just like you say, Lady Human. Am I right?

Me: No free speech rights at this time of night. Quiet rights. Silence rules at this hour.

MoonCat: Bulldog friend fun.

Me:  I noticed. I am glad you get along but keep it down, please.

Miss Sweetie: We had better do what she says, MoonCat. You know what grumpy looks like? Lady Human without a full night’s sleep.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Can You Count to 3? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am waiting, Lady Human.

Me: Waiting for what?

Stella: My third bedtime cracker.

Me: You’ve already had three.

Stella: Uh, I think not. I have only had two.

Me: No, you had all three. I set them out before you got into bed.

Stella: If I had three, that third one sure went by in a blink of an eye and missed my mouth entirely. Lady Human, can you count to 3?

Me: Uh, yes, I can. One…two…three…

Stella: ‘Cuz if you can’t count to 3, that’s all right. I’ll be happy to take over that task for you.

Me: I’d like to see your definition of three.

Stella: I am sure it will be more generous than yours.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Me Love Dog Food – Conversations with Stella, Wiggles and MoonCat

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Uh. Lady Human, we have a problem.

Me: What? Oh, MoonCat! Get out of that! That’s Wiggles’ food!

Wiggles: And I thought MoonCat was my friend.

MoonCat: Me love dog food.

Stella: Talk like a bulldog. “I love dog food.”

MoonCat: That’s what me said.

Stella: Ugh, CATS!

Me: Moon, your food is over there where it always is. If you eat Wiggles’ food, she won’t have enough.

Wiggles: Waaahhh! She put her cat mouth in my special bowl. Now I don’t feel like…mmm, this is pretty good anyway. Never mind.

Stella: What kind of an establishment is this when anyone can walk in and start eating our food? You just lost another star in your rating, Lady Human.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bark-Off – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles: Ruff argh ruff ruff!

Me: Ruff ruff ruff arghhh!

Stella: What is going on?

Me: Wiggles is barking at me so I am barking back. Let’s see who wins.

Wiggles: I bet it will be me. You aren’t experienced at this sort of thing, Lady Human. Argh argh ruff.

Stelka: One question. Why?

Me: I asked Wiggles that and she wouldn’t tell me so ruff ruff ruff ruff!

Stella: You’ll have to speak plainer than that, ma’am.

Wiggles: You shouldn’t try speaking a second language until you have practiced more. You just sound silly.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Breakfast Bark – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no, not already. Please say it ain’t so, Lady Human!

Me: It’s 5:30 in the morning. It’s pitch black outside, not even a glimmer of dawn. Doodlebug! This is an indecent hour for breakfast!

Doodlebug: No hour is indecent for breakfast. Sweetie agrees.

Me: Sweetie is snoring.

Doodlebug: Give me a second. I’ll convince her.

Me: Okay. Okay. Breakfast. Here.

Doodlebug: Is this all? Where’s the special stuff?

Me: This is all there is right now. The kitchen is closed.

Doodlebug: Well, my stomach is never closed. You need to rethink those kitchen hours, ma’am.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved

Doodlebug:

Strange Voices – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I am scared.

Me: How come? What’s wrong?

Stella: Don’t you hear them? The voices? But where are the humans?

Me: Oh, those are part of a Zoom meeting I’m in right now. They aren’t here.

Stella: This is weird. I hear them. How can I hear them when they aren’t here?

Me: The miracle of modern technology.

Stella: Then modern technology is a scary thing.

Me: Yep.

Stella: Should I whisper?

Me: No. I have us muted. They can’t hear us unless I want them to.

Stella: Should I bark?

Me: Nope. Not unless you want to hurt my eardrums.

Stella: Never. So those people are not coming to our house, right?

Me: I hope not. Not without telling me first and getting my permission.

Stella: It’s MY permission they would need.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Fully Charged – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, watch it, Doodle!

Me: Hey, bud, those are my feet you’re treading on!

Doodlebug: Gotta run! Got to! Got to! Got to! Charge!

Me: Boy, he’s wired.

Stella: Have you been supercharging his food?

Me: No. Same ole food. If I had supercharged food, I’d be eating it myself.

Doodlebug: Here I am again! Coming through! Watch your feet! Where’s my snack?

Me: Here.

Doodlebug: Mmmm….good. Now I’ll just…snore…

Me: How does he do that? If I could, I’d bottle that energy and sell it.

Stella: But, Lady Human, then you’d have to recharge Doodlebug with one of those long, snaky wire things you plug into the walls, and that would not turn out well at all.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Gourmet Meal – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s that wonderful aroma?

Me: Special food. Just a little bit left from the other day.

Stella: From a can? Mmmm…the good stuff. I knew it couldn’t be something you cooked, Lady Human. You don’t cook much and, when you do, well…

Me: Thank you, Stella. I’ll remember that come the holidays.

Stella: As long as you remember to bring us something somebody else cooked.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

You Had ONE Job! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is going on here, Lady Human?

Me: Nothing. A little glitch. I didn’t pick up y’all’s dog food the other day and when I did go to get it, their system was down and I couldn’t check out, so…

Stella: You had ONE job, ma’am! And you couldn’t get that done. What else do you do around here all day?

Me: Well, there’s…

Stella: Do not make excuses to me! ONE job! And now there’s no…hey, what is that?

Me: A substitute food until I can get your regular kind. It’s only for a day.

Stella: It smells nice. But that is no excuse for…hmm, it is kind of tasty…

Me: See, not so bad…

Stella: Only for a day, you said? I’ll allow it this time. And next time. In fact, forget that other stuff. Let’s stick with this.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Where Are My Feet? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, where are my feet?

Me: I don’t know. Where did you leave them?

Stella: I’m not kidding.

Me: Neither am I. Did you check the ends of your legs? ‘Cause that’s the first place I would look. Stella, why are your paws tucked under your body?

Stella: Is that where they are?

Me: Uh, yeah. And it’s not because they’re cold because it’s 98° outside.

Stella: Oh, there the little boogers are! What a relief.

Me: For all of us.

Stella: This reminds me of when all the thick, cold, white stuff was all over the ground a hundred years ago.

Me: That was 6 1/2 months ago.

Stella: That’s what I said. Remember how our feet disappeared every time we took a step.

Me: I remember.

Stella: This was like that. Feet disappear, then they come back. Good ole feet.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Please Move Over – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Who’s nudging me? I am trying to get some shut-eye here.

Me: Oh, Stella, please. I want some shut-eye myself. Please move over.

Stella: You have plenty of room. If you didn’t have such a big tummy, you would not be asking for more room.

Me: I weigh maybe 3 times as much as you do. I need more room.

Stella: And you have 2 legs and I have 4. I need the room. Why didn’t your human parents teach you to share?

Me: They did, but they never met a bulldog.

Stella: Their loss. Now make an accommodation. You humans are flexible.

Me: And you bulldogs are not.

Stella: Now we understand each other. Good night, Lady Human.

Me: Good night, Stella.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Clean Your Plate – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. More.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Wiggles: More.

Stella: Oh, she’s waiting for that word the humans demand to hear so often. Please.

Wiggles: Oh. Okay. Please. More. More. More.

Me: You haven’t finished what you have.

Stella: We’re getting ready for the next round.

Me: I’ll tell you what my parents told me. Clean your plate. Look. There’s some food still there.

Wiggles: Thank you for pointing that out.

Me: And there, Stella.

Stella: Oh, I missed that. And that. And that.

Me: Now if you want a little bit more.

Stella: By no means. What are you trying to do? Make us pigs.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Who’s Cooking Eggs? – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Wiggles is yelling!

Me: Yeah, I heard that. I don’t know why.

Wiggles: Someone’s cooking eggs.

Me: That would be me because y’all aren’t allowed to use the stove.

Wiggles: EGGS ARE COOKING!

Me: I am well aware of that.

Wiggles: Let me into the cooking room. I want to smell my eggs.

Me: Who said they were for you?

Wiggles: Eggs are always for me.

Me: I only have two, so…

Wiggles: So you will give me those and go ask the chickens to lay yours. They should have done that anyway.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Cracker Happy Hour is Over – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Wiggles:  Me, too! Me, too! Me, too!

Me: Hold your horses.

Stella: No! No crackers for horses!

Wiggles:  Let them get their own!

Me: I mean that you have already had your crackers. No more crackers tonight. Cracker happy hour is over.

Stella:  How can it be ‘happy’ if it comes to an end?

Wiggles: How can it be ‘happy hour’ if it’s so short?

Me:  Well, it is over. Once the cracker allotment is eaten, that’s it.

Stella: We’ll have to eat more slowly in the future. But then…what about your cracker allotment, Lady Human? That might give us a few more seconds, right?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

Balky Bulldogs – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Time to go out.

Stella: I shall proceed to my special rain spot.

Me: Oh, all right. Wiggles! Sweetie!

Wiggles: Nope.

Miss Sweetie: Double nope!

Me: Come on, y’all. Before the rain starts in earnest again.

Doodlebug: Are we in Earnest?

Me: No, earnest means…

Doodlebug: Then why do we care about Earnest?

Me: Go…outside…NOW!

Stella: She’s using her outdoor voice.

Wiggles: And that ugly NOW word. She has been using that more and more.

Me: Look. It is not raining right this minute, but that could change. Don’t balk. Use the opportunity.

Miss Sweetie: I’ll just go inside.

Me: No, you most assuredly won’t.

Miss Sweetie: It’s no big deal. You’ll just clean it up.

Stella: Good point. Cancel my special rain spot appointment.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Special Chair – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Can I use your special chair, Lady Human?

Me: The proper question is ‘May I use your special chair?’

Stella: No, because I don’t have a special chair, but you do.

Me: What are you talking about?

Stella: That special chair in the tiny room where you always close the door like it’s a secret.

Me: The toilet? I close the door to gain a little privacy, but that never seems to work. And no, you may not use it and, actually, you can’t use it.

Stella: How come?

Me: It would require a great deal of balance that you do not possess. Sorry. I have heard of cats that have been trained for it, but never a bulldog. You’ll be happier just continuing to go outside.

Stella: Can you make a special chair for me?

Me: That is not in my current plans.

Stella: You could set it outside. It could be my throne. Every queen needs a throne. Why are you laughing?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.