Potty Mouths – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that potty mouths will no longer be tolerated in my kingdom which includes the hallway, the utility room, the kitchen, the den, and, of course, the human bathrooms.

Me:        Potty mouths?

Stella:    Is that not the correct human term?

Me:        It is a human term, but what do you mean by it?

Stella:    Touching nasty things with your mouth and thereby getting a dirty mouth. Isn’t that the human meaning?

Me:        Not exactly. Potty mouth to us has more to do with what comes out of our mouths than what goes into them.

Stella:    That, too! Have you seen Sweetie’s water bowl today? That dirt didn’t just jump in there all by itself. Bottom line, no more potty mouths. Bulldogs, if you see something on the floor, that is not an invitation to eat it. Only eat food. That will save a lot of trouble right there.

Tiger:     What if it smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Tiger:     No.

Stella:    Then don’t eat it.

Snoopey:   What if it smells bad and, therefore, smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Snoopey:   Probably not.

Stella:    Snoopey, really?

Snoopey:   Just checking.

Doodlebug:   What if food falls on the floor? Because I’m eating that no matter what.

Stella:    Food on the floor is all right to eat.

Miss Sweetie:    Food on the floor and blobs of dirt outside look the same to me. Can I still eat blobs of dirt?

Stella:    Sweetie, are blobs of dirt food?

Miss Sweetie:   They are if I eat them.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! Sweetie, that’s what is adding to the potty mouth situation. Don’t eat dirt and your water bowls will be cleaner. Look at my bowl. There is hardly ever any dirt in it.

Wiggles:   Why should we care? We don’t have to clean our bowls. Lady Human does that. If our bowls are always clean, what will she have to do?

Stella:    I can always find something else.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

And So…It Begins Again – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I found the evidence in the yard today, evidence that waves in my face like a red flag in front of a bull, whatever that means. I heard one of the humans say it. I quote humans when they say words that sound interesting, even if they make no sense.

The evidence speaks for itself though it has no mouth. And so, once again, it begins.

Me:        All right. This time I am totally confused. What begins once again? What evidence speaks for itself?

Stella:    War.

Me:        I beg your pardon.

Stella:    Granted.

Me:        No, I mean, what war?

Stella:    Well, then you should have said so. Of course, you are confused. Humans live that way.

Me:        Stella, what war?

Stella:    The war between me and Jerky McSquirrelyFace. He has returned. I found the evidence this morning. A green pecan on the ground, chewed in half, cut down in its prime. I know his MO.

Me:        Where did you hear about MO?

Stella:    On the source of human stupidity – the Picture Box, naturally. Jerky starts small and then BOOM! He eats ALL the green pecans, leaving none for the rest of us! If that is not an act of squirrel war, what is? Get ready, Lady Human. It is going to be a long, hot summer. CHARGE!

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Me:        Can I just sit this one out in the air conditioning?

Stella:    Lady Human, for shame!

Me:        I don’t really have to pick up pecans. I can always go to the store.

Stella:    Fine! Just turn over every pecan tree in the world to the squirrels. Who will have pecan pie then?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Elephant Walk – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The earth rumbles. The trees shake. What is coming? Boom! Boom! Boom! Is it a monster? Is it a giant?

Me:        Is this the start of one of your new stories?

Stella:    No. Shhhh! Listen!

Me:        Sorry.

Stella:    Where was I? Oh, yeah. Is it a monster? Is it a giant? Trees fall in its path. Plants collapse beneath its weight. It is…Sweetie, the Giant Bulldog Forest Crusher!

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Me:        What?

Stella:    She flattens forests! Wild animals flee at her approach!

Me:        Really? I hadn’t noticed.

Stella:    Look! Look at the plants! She steps on them and down they go!

Me:        Well, some of the lamb’s quarter is broken. No great loss. There’s plenty more.

Stella:    Sweetie makes her own paths. Like those big gray animals on the Picture Box, the ones with the noses like your water hose when it goes nuts and swings around like a loose snake.

Me:        Elephants.

Stella:    If you say so. Sweetie is a bulldog elephant. If anyone needs a new road or path, just tell Sweetie. She will plow it for you.

Me:        I’ll keep that in mind.

Stella:    Everything crashes in front of her.

Me:        If you say so.

Stella:    I do say so.

Me:        Funny that so many plants are still standing in the yard if she is such a bulldozer.

Stella:    Bulldozer? What is a bulldozer?

Me:        A bulldog on wheels.

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Am I a Runt? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. For an Olde English Bulldogge, I am small. I am lightweight. I am scrawny. I am a runt.

Me:        Nope., nope, and nope.

Stella:    So, I am not a runt.

Me:        I don’t know.

Stella:    So, I am a runt.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    I am confused.

Me:        Were you the runt of your litter? I don’t know. At this point in our lives, I have no way of knowing and I don’t care. I heard a rumor that you and Tiger’s mom were pretty tough in your day. When you were together. Maybe you joined up with her because you were smaller. I don’t know.

Stella:    I remember Tiger’s mom. She was strong. I felt safe when I was with her.

Me:        That happens.

Stella:    Even with humans?

Me:        Yep. All the time. Humans find a way to cope. I have a cousin. He was smaller than the other boys in school. He learned to make them laugh and the bullies left him alone.

Stella:    Your cousin was bullied by bulldogs?

Me:        No, my cousin was bullied by humans until he used his humor as a shield against them. He made them laugh. They left him alone.

Stella:    Human bullies? How?

Me:        Humans have more in common with bulldogs than you might think.

Stella:    I was the runt.

Me:        Maybe. Does it matter now?

Stella:    I don’t know.

Me:        When I watch you with the other bulldogs, they always come and check on you, check with you. They don’t ignore you. If you are a runt in their eyes, why do they pay you so much attention?

Stella:    I am not mean to them.

Me:        You see. That’s how you became their queen. They need someone they can rely on. Snoopey is reliable. She is the pack leader, but she is tense a whole lot of the time. You are calmer. They don’t care how much you weigh.

Stella:    How much do I weigh?

Me:        About 50 pounds, give or take.

Stella:    How much does Sweetie weigh?

Me:        81.5 pounds.

Stella:    Uuuggghhh!

Me:        Yeah. Don’t let her sit on you.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

You Never Asked for a Purple-Headed Dog – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am brown and white and… purple.

Me:        You had an abrasion on your head and we sprayed some antiseptic on it. No biggie. The purple lets us know where the spray went.

Stella:     What’s an abrasion?

Me:         A scratch.

Stella:     Oh, yeah. I felt that. That’s still no good reason to spray purple on someone’s head. I am a purple head.

Me:        No, you’re not. It’s just one small spot. And a few other little spots you got when you jerked your head away. It will wash off.

Stella:    Snuffle. I am a purple head.

Me:        The spot is already healing. Your hair is growing back.

Stella:    My hair is growing back purple.

Me:        No, it’s not. Well, maybe a little. But it will wash out. And purple is a nice color.

Stella:    Not for a bulldog.

Me:        You are still brown and white. Do you know that, when I asked God for a dog I could help and be good to, I envisioned a brown and white dog?

Stella:    A bulldog like me?

Me:        No. I had never met a bulldog. In my mind, I saw a pointy muzzle, a little dog.

Stella:    Not like me at all?

Me:        No, not like you at all.

Stella:    Awwww, then I am a mistake and not what you prayed for.

Me:        Not true, Stella. You are exactly what I asked for. I just didn’t know it until later. You came a couple of months after that prayer. You weren’t what I expected. I didn’t recognize you as an answer to prayer. At first. But then, with time, as I got to know you, I realized…

Stella:    …that I was an answer from the Great Creator.

Me:        Yes. But don’t get a big head over it. The LORD has used a talking donkey for His purposes before.

Stella:    Well then, He can certainly use a bulldog. Of course, He can. We are a lot easier to work with than jackasses.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Keep Your Nose to Yourself – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As reigning queen, you would think that others would show respect for my quiet times, especially that greatest of all bulldog practices, the nap. But oh no! I am snoozing peaceably, my dreams of chasing squirrels swirling in my sleepy head, and what to my wondering face should appear but Doodlebug’s big wet mug, sniffing and snuffling, and how can anybody sleep with that going on? LEAVE ME ALONE!

Me:        You know that Doodlebug loves you. He is always checking on you to make sure you’re okay when you’re sleeping. It’s what happened yesterday that bothered me.

Stella:    Nothing happened yesterday. I did have the most wonderful Flying Stella dream and then, all of a sudden, you woke me up by scratching on my neck. So rude!

Me:        Because Doodlebug passed you on his way out the door, sniffed your face, went to the door, and then ran back to sniff you again. Like something was wrong. After I got him out the door, I went to check on you. You had not batted an eye. I touched the side of your face. You were cool. Still you didn’t move at all. So, I started scratching your neck and you jumped awake. Thank the LORD! Why didn’t you wake up?

Stella:    BECAUSE I WAS SLEEPING! How would you like it if a huge, wet, slobbery, drooly mouth greeted you in your bed?

Me:        It happens to me routinely.

Stella:    Everyone should keep their noses to themselves. Even you with your dry human nose, Lady Human.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Dog Days – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and, as Queen, I have the authority to declare this: IT IS HOT!!!

Me:        Yep, if you say so, it’s official. The Dog Days of Summer have begun. You know how I knew it.

Stella:    Because it is hot?

Me:        Well, that, and I found Wiggles and Sweetie down in the hole y’all have dug under the picnic table.

Stella:    Because it is hot.

Me:        95 degrees at dusk. I guess that qualifies.

Stella:    Dog Days. Why can’t the Dog Days be pleasant? Why must Dog Days be hot? Not fair!

Me:        Some people count them from the rising of Sirius, the Dog Star, at dawn…

Stella:    Wait! There is a star that‘s a dog? Why didn’t you tell me? Can we go visit him? Where is he? Show me! This is great! I always suspected there were dogs out there.

Me:        It’s not a dog, honey. It’s just called that because it is the brightest star in a constellation that reminded ancient people of a dog. Like a picture in the sky made by stars.

Stella:    Ancient people? Just where are these ancient people because I have some questions.

Me:        They’re not around for your questions. Sorry.

Stella:    Typical. Humans playing with dogs’ hopes and dreams again. I don’t think these Dog Days have anything to do with us at all. Hmmmph! If these are true Dog Days, where are the treats and toys?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Great Stuffie Experiment UPDATE ALERT – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. THIS IS AN URGENT UPDATE ALERT. Lady Human’s efforts to make an indestructible bulldog toy have FAILED! What a terrible disaster!

Me:        Not terrible, not a disaster, and not failed. I haven’t given up yet. Here is our current progress toward the indestructible bulldog stuffie toy.

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Stella:    That looks horrible! Why did you put holes in it when you made it?

Me:        I didn’t. She tore those after only 15 minutes of constant bulldog attention.

Stella:    Please put the poor stuffed toy out of its misery.

Me:        Actually, I am going to cut a shell a little larger but in the same shape to add an extra layer. That will make 3 layers of fabric with the same amount of stuffing. She has not yet busted a seam, just torn the material. Of course, she only had it for a few minutes.

Stella:    Putting an extra layer on will make it bigger?

Me:        Yes, a little.

Stella:    And if she tears a hole in that?

Me:        I may try a fourth layer.

Stella:    And then another. And another. And so, it keeps growing larger and larger and larger. And suddenly, there will be no room in the house. The stuffie toy will take over and we will have to move into the yard!

Me:        Stella.

Stella:    And Sweetie won’t be able to fit it into her mouth, so she will start chewing up other things. Like the fence, and then all the animals of the creek will come running in and squirrels…SQUIRRELS OVERRUNNING US!

Me:        Stella! Stop! Your overactive imagination is what’s overrunning us. We have talked about this before. Calm down.

Stella:    Calm? How can I be calm when you are creating stuffed animals that will take over the world?

Me:        I can tell that it’s going to be a long week.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Welcome to The Bulldog Cafe – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and proprietor of The Bulldog Café.

Me:        The Bulldog Café? Is that a real thing?

Stella:    Of course. On the menu tonight is Victor Adult Dog food. It comes in a big yellow bag. It does not make you sick and our skin is fine so I guess it is okay. I used to eat a food that gave me lots of bad gas…

Me:        Wait. You are running a café? Don’t talk about bad gas and skin problems.

Stella:    What else should bulldogs talk about? When it comes to food, only the very best and that means stuff that doesn’t give you gas or make your skin itch and your hair fall out. Now where was I before I was so RUDELY interrupted? Oh, yes…on our menu tonight, popcorn.

Me:        No.

Stella:    How can I run a café without desserts and snacks?

Me:        No popcorn.

Stella:    Just a little bit.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    But…but…but…

Me:        I am not saying never. I am saying not tonight. I’ll do more research.

Stella:    Research besmirch. You humans and your little black boxes and your fingers tapping, tapping, tapping. On our menu tonight, ice cream.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Why ever not?

Me:        I don’t have any and I have to do…

Stella:    I know. I know. More research. Leave it to a human to make everything complicated and unfun. So, what’s left? Oh, yes. On our menu tonight – plain water. There! Does that make you happy, Lady Human?

Me:        Well, it doesn’t make me unhappy. In fact, I’ll have some with you. Water is healthy.

Stella:    Yippee! So much for The Bulldog Café. I can’t wait to see our ratings on Yelp. Phhhuuuhhh!

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill

The Great Stuffie Experiment – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a collector of stuffed animals just like Lady Human. Today, Lady Human presented Miss Sweetie with a replacement for her late stuffed chicken toy, may it rest in peace.

Me:        I would have had it to her yesterday, but I messed it up and had to turn it inside out and restuff it.

Stella:    Why did you mess it up?

Me:        I didn’t try to. I was watching a TV show…

Stella:    Wait. Were you watching a nighttime movie without us?

Me:        Not then. That came later.

Stella:    I knew it. So you messed up Miss Sweetie new stuffie because you were paying attention to the silly Picture Box. I told you that the Picture Box was a menace.

Me:        You look at it all the time. Sometimes you seem to like it.

Stella:    What do I know? I am a dog.

Me:        Well, here goes. Hey, Sweetie!

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Stella:    She loves it. Look at her go.

Me:        The main thing is that she not be able to eat it.

Miss Sweetie:    Is this my chickee? It doesn’t look like my chickee. It doesn’t smell like my chickee.

Me:        No, this is a new toy. Do you like it?

Miss Sweetie:    Gumm…yumm…nyawgh. It is not my chickee, but it is soft. I think it likes me.

Me:        We will watch to make sure the seams don’t come undone. The stuffing is the same material as the shell. No more fiber stuffing for Sweetie.

Stella:    Oh, look. Sweetie just found more stuffing in the couch.

Me:        Sweetie! No! Where is your new stuffie? Don’t you like it?

Miss Sweetie:    I like him fine. He is taking a nap while I chew on the couch.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

How Do You Replace a Beloved Stuffie? – Conversations with Stella

Stella:    Whatcha doin’?

Me:        Hello, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Stella:    Don’t change the subject. Whatcha doin’?

Me:        Nothin’.

Stella:    All right. I asked politely. I am a dog, but I am not stupid. It is obvious that you are doing something. You have cloth on your lap and it is not clothing, or a blanket, or a napkin. So now I am demanding an answer as your queen…

Me:        MY Queen?

Stella:    What are you doing?

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Me:        I am attempting the impossible. I bought material today to put together an indestructible bulldog toy to replace Miss Sweetie’s stuffed chicken…Stella? Stella?

Stella:    Hahahahahaha! Wait…I am catching my breath…Hahahahahahahahaha!

Me:        Don’t you see that it would be better for her to have a soft toy she will like but will not be able to pull apart and swallow?

Stella:    Yes. Hahahahahahahaha! Indestructible and bulldog never fit in the same sentence. How many years do you plan on devoting to this impossible task?

Me:        Not years. A few days, off and on when I have time.

Stella:    Days? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Me:        Well, thank you for your support.

Stella:    You are welcome. I have all kinds of plans for how you should spend your time. First, buy me treats.

Me:        You have treats.

Stella:    I need more. Second, feed me my treats.

Me:        Takes a couple of seconds, that’s it.

Stella:    Third, scratch me and massage my shoulders until I say ‘stop’.

Me:        Which is one word that you will never say, so pretty much the rest of our lives.

Stella:    What’s the problem? It’s more fun than sewing some toy for Sweetie that she is going to destroy in a few minutes, isn’t it?

Me:        Mmmm. I’m going to have to think about that. Still, I bought all this fabric…

Stella:    I’ve been wanting a hoodie for cold weather camping.

Me:        Mmmm. 5 months or so. That might just about give me enough time. But Sweetie is without her toy. I feel sorry for her.

Stella:    Never feel sorry for a spoiled bulldog. They will control you forever. Now, scratch my belly!

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Humans are Idiots – Conversations with Stella

Stella:    What was that?

Me:        No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” announcement…

Stella:    No! Lady Human, this is serious. What was that noise?

Me:        Some people are shooting off fireworks. And guns. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. It’s a big celebration day. Remember. We talked about this before.

Stella:    The noises were never so loud before. This sounds like those lightning storms that crack the sky.

Me:        The explosions do sound closer this year. We must have some new neighbors.

Stella;    This is not neighborly! This is rude! And dangerous.

Me:        Yes. A neighbor not too far away found a spent bullet on their front porch this morning.

Stella:    Noooo! What if their dog had been sitting there?

Me:        Or their child?

Stella:    Why do humans do such things?

Me:        We’ve talked about this before, too, remember? Humans are idiots. Not all of us. And not all the time. But quite a few of us a lot of the time. A few years before you came, we had a roofing contractor out and he found two bullet holes in our roof. Bullets that had fallen from the sky, probably from miles away.

Stella:    Lady Human, you are not making me feel any better.

Me:        Bottom line, those bullets hit our roof and we did not know a thing about it. God covered us that night. I pray that He does every night.

Stella:    So we can go outside?

Me:        The Great Creator does not invite us to be foolish. We will stay in tonight.

Stella:    Look at Snoopey. She is the bravest among us and she is so scared right now.

Me:        I will take care of Snoopey. She is coming back to my room and we will watch a movie and maybe sing a quiet song.

Stella:    Hey, no fair. You are going to have a Fourth of July party without us?

Me:        No, we are going to have a nice, quiet evening where nothing extraordinary happens. No fear. No harm. Happy Fourth of July, Stella.

Stella:    Thank the Great Creator for me that we have a roof to cover us.

Me:        Amen.

Stella:    Why doesn’t the cat get scared?

Me:         Cat.

Stella:     Oh yeah. No fair.

He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler.  Psalm 91:4 KJV

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Tight Places – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It was a dark and stormy morning. Rain rattled the windows as I set off for my special rainy-day bathroom spot by the driveway in the side yard. I entered the shadowy garage. Suddenly, the way before me stood blocked.

Me:        Not really. Substantially narrowed, I’ll grant, but still passable.

Stella:    Are you a bulldog?

Me:        No, I think we have established that.

Stella:    Try to see it from my point of view. To the left of me lurked a barrel monster, menacing my every step.

Me:        Not a barrel monster. That is the same short grill that has been there every day that it hasn’t been in use.

Stella:    Once again, Lady Human, try to see it from my point of view. Bulldog. Wide. Remember. To my right and squeezing my path was an I-don’t-know-what. It was huge, towering above me, threatening to crush me if I tried to pass by.

Me:        That is a large cardboard box. Tall Man has to cut it up before he can put it in the recycling bin. Did you notice that you were able to pass between those two impassable objects?

Stella:    Only after you led the way.

Me:        A lesson for all of us. Why were you willing to follow my lead when you weren’t willing to go on your own?

Stella:    I don’t want to say.

Me:        Was it because you trust me?

Stella:    I don’t want to say.

Me:        Aw, Stella, I’m touched.

Stella:    Yeah, you would have been touched if that tall box had fallen on you. In narrow places, always let somebody else to go first.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Slimed! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a neat freak. That is what Lady Human calls it when someone keeps their space and their face clean and orderly. Yay me!

Me:        Yay you! So much less to clean up. Snoopey, Tiger, and Wiggles are pretty neat, too.

Stella:    Except Wiggles eats thrown away stuff. Garbage is nasty.

Me:        Speaking of nasty, the bulldog drool fest has increased of late. I guess it’s the heat. You even drooled a little.

Stella:    No, I didn’t.

Me:        Yes, you did.

Stella:    I am Neat Freak Stella. I do not drool.

Me:        Then what was that long string of goo dripping from your mouth?

Stella:    Goo? I didn’t see any goo.

Snoopey:  I did.

Me:        Ewww! Doodlebug!

Tiger:   Those were some monster length drool strings, boy. Good job!

Me:        And now they are on my pants.

Miss Sweetie:    You can have my drool, too, Lady Human. Here.

Me:        Aaggghhh! Sweetie, stop shaking your head! The slime is going everywhere.

Miss Sweetie:   I like to share.

Wiggles:   I don’t have any drool so here…

Me:        Wiggles, please!

Wiggles:   A big wet kiss, right on your knee.

Me:        Now I am going to have to change.

Stella:    Change into what?

Me:        Change clothes.

Stella:    How come? Wiggles put a lot of effort into that kiss. And Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie have slung all their slime.

Me:        I thought you didn’t like a mess.

Stella:    I don’t, but it looks good on you.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Stop the Music! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a true lover of the humans’ music. Today, I must say, SHUT IT OFF!

Me:        What? What’s wrong?

Stella:    Too many notes. STOP IT!

Me:        Stella, you all seem to like it when I turn on music.

Stella:    That is when you play good music, Lady Human. All you have played today is loud dance music. I like dancing as much as the next bulldog, but I can’t dance to this human stuff. I keep thinking about dancing, dancing, dancing, and now I am just tired. Good evening. I am going to take a long nap. See you in the morning.

Snoopey:   Yeah, let’s go to bed. I’ve been dancing in my head all day long. I’m exhausted.

Tiger:   And then there were those dancing humans on the Picture Box. I have never seen humans act that way. I think they may not have been real humans. They may have been mechanical. That’s scary.

Miss Sweetie:    Dancing…dancing…dancing this way…dancing that…dancing forward…dancing back…

Stella:    Sweetie, stop the stomping. Go to sleep.

Doodlebug:   Dancing is just jumping around but slowly. I do that all the time. Therefore, I am the best dancer.

Wiggles:   No, I am! Watch!

Me:        Yay! Comma dance! Comma dance!

Stella:    Anybody can do that!

Me:        I can’t.

Stella:    I meant anyone with dancing talent. You told me that you can’t dance.

Me:        I can’t.

Stella:    Is that why you watch all those humans dance on the Picture Box?

Me:        I like to see people who do it well.  What kind of music do you want to listen to?

Stella:    Push that button.

Me:        The volume?

Stella:    Yes, push it again.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And again.

Me:        Now I can’t hear it.

Stella:    Push it one more time.

Me:        Like that?

Stella:    Yes, now I can’t hear it. Perfect. Good night.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Ew! I’m Not Walking Through That! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Someone (possibly Lady Human) has messed up my only walkway to the backyard. My feet are special and I will not risk them by walking through the wetness. Nasty! Lady Human and the others must stop using the backyard as a toilet.

Me:        Excuse me?

Stella:    Sorry, Lady Human. Not this time.

Me:        I’ll have you know that I do not go to the bathroom in the yard! Or anywhere outside! I am a human and our toilets are inside the house.

Stella:    A thing that I have never understood. How unfair! Indoor toilets should be available to all.

Me:        I have a pretty good imagination, but I have a hard time imagining a bulldog using a human toilet. Not saying impossible. Just saying unlikely and slightly dangerous.

Stella:    But the mess! Someone peed on my walkway! I don’t care who did it (though I still doubt your denial). Yuck! I am not walking through that.

Me:        I am hosing it off.

Stella:    All that does is spread it around. Ewww. You expect me to get my tootsies wet with pee water?

Me:        It’s not pee water, Stella. Look, do you want to go out by the driveway – your rainy-day spot?

Stella:    Yes, yes, yes!

Me:        All right. But I’m telling you that I just hosed off all the nasty stuff.

Stella:    My nose tells me different. I’ve told you before. Millions of nasal receptors cannot be wrong.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Your Idea of Fun Vs. My Idea of Fun – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and today has not been a very fun day and I feel the need to complain.

Me:        Is there ever a time you do not feel the need to complain?

Stella:    Certainly, Lady Human. Whenever I get to have as much fun as you humans do.

Me:        Every day is bulldog fun day.

Stella:    Nope. Today wasn’t. You and Tall Man went and came and came and went. You went somewhere…

Me:        Church.

Stella:    Nope. You were gone way too long for church. I timed you.

Me:        How?

Stella:    With my belly. When breakfast is digested, you get home from church.

Me:        Well, there was a church fellowship today so I stayed longer for that.

Stella:    And what did they have at this thing called a ‘fellowship’?

Me:        Brisket…

Stella:    Meat?

Me:        Yes. And they had sausage…

Stella:    More meat?

Me:        Yes. And bread…

Stella:    More meat?

Me:        No. But they had ice cream treats.

Stella:    And then?

Me:        A bounce house…

Stella:    I like those.

Me:        You have never been in one and they were for the kids. No dogs allowed.

Stella:    No fair! I’ll bet you had fun.

Me:        Yes, I’ll admit I did.

Stella:    Where was my fun today? Boo-hoo-hoo. Nowhere. That’s where.

Me:        All right, what’s your idea of fun?

Stella:    You scratching and rubbing my neck, between my ears, my belly, my back…

Me:        In other words, what we do every day.

Stella:    Yep. You’ve had your fun for the day. Now it’s time for mine.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

R.I.P. Stuffed Chicken Toy, Sweetie’s Old Friend – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Me:        It is with great sorrow and not a little trepidation that we must say farewell to Stuffed Chicken Toy who has been a great comfort and friend to Miss Sweetie. After much consideration and debate…

Stella:    And after hiding the chicken toy from Sweetie for a whole week…

Me:        …Tall Man and I have decided that we must look for a more indestructible soft toy for Miss Sweetie’s powerful jaws and overwhelming personality.

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Miss Sweetie:    Where is my chicken?

Me:        Gone to a better, a safer place, girl. Safer for you and for Stuffed Chicken Toy.

Miss Sweetie:    But why?

Tiger:     Because, silly, you insisted on tear off pieces of her.

Miss Sweetie:   But we were playing. I thought she enjoyed that.

Snoopey:   And you insisted on eating the pieces you tore off.

Wiggles:   Like the chicken’s foot, remember?

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Miss Sweetie:    Oh, yeah, the foot that disappeared.

Stella:    It only “disappeared” into you and only temporarily.

Me:        Yes, temporarily, thank the LORD.

Miss Sweetie:   You found my chicken’s foot? Where is it? Can she have it back?

Me:        We found it. Yes, she can have it back.

Miss Sweetie:    Where is it?

Me:        It is in a safe place with Stuffed Chicken Toy.

Snoopey:   A place where you can no longer eat it…again.

Miss Sweetie:   I carried her everywhere.

Me:        I know. Y’all were so cute, trundling around the house.

Miss Sweetie:    She was my bestest friend ever.

Stella:    Learn to make friends with real food. You will never go wrong.

Miss Sweetie:   Oh, Stuffed Chicken Toy. I am so sorry that I ate your foot. And your beak. And I think that’s all.

Snoopey:   You would have gotten around to the other parts soon enough.

Stella:   I have a crateful of softie toys and I never eat them.

Tiger:   Some bulldogs just can’t handle the soft stuff.

Doodlebug:   Soft toys, yuck! If you want to eat something soft, eat poop.

Me:        No, Doodlebug. We’ve had long talks about that.

Doodlebug:   Oh, yeah. But still…

Me:   Now I feel bad.

Stella:    Don’t, Lady Human. It’s for her own good.

Me:   I have to find some bulldog-proof soft toys, something she will like.

Stella:   Impossible.

Me:   Why impossible?

Stella:   You said it yourself. Bulldog-proof. Impossible.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I Need To Speak to a Physicist – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella. Of the Olde English Bulldogges, I am Queen.

Me:   Aaaagghhh!

Stella:    What! What happened?

Tiger:   You are the Queen. You tell us.

Snoopey:   Doodlebug. Doodlebug happened to Lady Human.

Doodlebug:   Zoom, zoom.

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Me:   Ow! Zero to sixty in one point five seconds.

Stella:    Doodlebug! You cannot change direction on Lady Human when she is holding your leash.

Doodlebug:   Yes, I can. Watch!

Me:   Ow! Whoa!

Stella:    Doodlebug, stop!

Me:   Let’s see. An 80-pound bulldog pulling a resistant object, namely me, flat out. How much force is he exerting? I need a formula. I need a solution.

Snoopey:   I have a solution. Hey, Doodlebug, stop dragging Lady Human!

Doodlebug:   I go fast! Zoom! Lady Human? Why are you on the floor? Do you want to wrestle?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Don’t Call Yourself ‘Stupid’! – Conversations with Stella


I am Stella. I am an Olde English Bulldogge. I am their Queen.

Me:        Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stella:    And I am not stupid.

Me:        No! Me! Me! Me!

Stella:    Apparently, Lady Human has done or said something that now displeases her, that she now considers to be a mistake. I only have a bulldog’s brain, but I understand this every time she yells at herself.

Me:        Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

Stella:    Why are you scolding yourself, Lady Human?

Me:        Oh, you wouldn’t understand.

Stella:    So now you are calling me stupid?

Me:        No. Just stupid ole me.

Stella:    Now hear this!

Me:        Ow! That hurt my ears!

Stella:    I have to be loud to get you to hear me! Don’t call yourself ‘stupid’! You listen to your own voice more than to any other. You are not stupid. A stupid person would not love bulldogs. A stupid human would not feed us and water us and play with us and talk to us. When you lie to yourself, calling yourself that word, you start to believe it and that is bad for you. And I love you and I don’t want anything bad for you. So SHUT UP!

Me:        Stella, that was rude! And kind. Thank you.

Stella:    Don’t mention it.

Me:        I appreciate…

Stella:    No, I mean it. Don’t mention it. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING. NAP TIME.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.