Not On My Human, You Don’t! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human came home yesterday evening, smelling strange, like a strange dog. I demand to know why.

Me: Yesterday, the weather was beautiful. A perfect, clear day. I met one of my daughters at the park.

Stella: A dog park? I knew it!

Me: No, not a dog park. A park with a good sized lake in the middle and lots of beautiful birds.

Stella: But you didn’t come home smelling like a bird. You came home smelling like…oh, I’ll just go ahead and say it. You came home smelling like DOG PEE!

Me: Yes, well, there was a reason for that. You see there were these people who were walking a little dog on a leash and…

Stella: What kind of dog?

Me: A pug mix.

Stella: There is no such thing.

Me: Yes, there is. Anyway, they stopped to visit with us and I guess I stood still for too long and he caught the bulldog scent on my pants and he hiked his leg and…

Stella: He marked you? How incredibly rude!

Me: Yeah, his humans were greatly embarassed…

Stella: So just how many humans belonging to other dogs has this little outlaw peed on? Did he mark other humans as his territory?

Me: No, only me. The human who smelled like a bunch of bulldogs.

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Why Do Cats Get Special Food? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sure, we bulldogs get food. Lady Human measures it out to us every morning. She says the white coat lady whom she calls Vet (humans have such bizarre names) says that we should not eat too much, or we will get fat. Very well. But why shouldn’t we get special food, especially if we are not allowed to overeat?

Me:        What special food are you talking about?

Stella:    You can’t fool me.

Me:        I didn’t know that I was trying to fool you.

Stella:    I see when you sneak great smelling stuff into the cat’s bowl, ignoring the rest of us.

Me:        Great smelling stuff like…tuna fish? Salmon? Really?

Stella:    Just proof that you don’t love us as much as you love Moon the Cat…wait, sorry, MOONCAT.

Me:        You’ve gotten special salmon dog food before.

Stella:    When?

Me:        I don’t remember. Sometime.

Stella:    If it didn’t happen in the last ten minutes, it didn’t happen. Step up your game, Lady Human. Do you eat the same thing every day?

Me:        Yeah, until the leftovers are gone.

Stella:    Leftovers? What are leftovers?

Me:        Something a bulldog would never experience.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

 

 

Eat Some Grass – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. When I am in Lady Human’s room, all kinds of interesting things can happen. For example, when stuff came out of her mouth, she looked very much like a bulldog.

Miss Sweetie:    Was it drool? Because drool comes out of my mouth all the time.

Me:        No, Sweetie, it wasn’t drool. I wasn’t feeling well and…

Stella:    She did that gagging, spitting thing that we do when our stomachs don’t set right. No big deal.

Me:        Big deal to me. I don’t like throwing up.

Tiger:     Stella is right for once, and ONLY ONCE! No big deal. Next time, eat some grass.

Me:        I don’t think that is a human thing.

Doodlebug:   There’s a good patch of grass out behind the old tree stump.

Me:        How do I know it is not a patch you have all peed on?

Tiger:     Simple. Use your nose.

Wiggles:   There’s another good patch in front of where the chickens live. Don’t get too close though. They’ve been kicking their food out and all that leftover chicken food is mine. As for grass, pick the long stuff, but make sure to chew it up good.

Me:        Thanks for the tips, everybody. I’m all better now. No grass needed.

Stella:    Personally, I prefer pumpkin, but grass is free and easy to come by.

Me:        I appreciated how you stuck by me during my trouble, Stella. Sitting there on the bed, leaning against me.

Stella:    No problem, Lady Human. Dogs are not bothered by such natural things. Just remember next time – eat some grass.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Stop Calling Me ‘Miss Priss’! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Spring has returned, and the days have been lovely and cool…

Tiger:     Halt! Stop! Enough! Too much!

Stella:    How dare you interrupt your queen!

Tiger:     Queen nothin’! Who do you think you are?

Stella:    I think that I am the Queen. I think that I am Stella.

Tiger:     So, I came in from outside and I was all playful and prancing and I greeted you and what did you do?

Stella:    Nothing important.

Tiger:     You puffed out your cheeks at me and then you called me, “Miss Priss” and said I was prissing around, whatever that means. So rude! And all I was doing was being friendly.

Me:        And Tiger, you locked eyes with her. And Stella, you locked eyes with Tiger. And friendly came to an abrupt stop.

Stella:    Yeah, Miss Priss. As queen, I decree that Tiger’s name is no longer Tiger, but she shall henceforth be known as ‘Miss Priss’.

Tiger:     There she goes again, Lady Human! My name is Tiger. Stop trying to change everybody’s name!

Stella:    If the prissy name fits, wear it.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Cat By Any Other Name – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. By my authority as Queen, I hereby bestow on our feline, Moon the Cat, a new name.

Me:        “Our feline”? I thought you had eternal enmity for cats. A new name? There are so many things wrong with this picture., I don’t know where to begin.

Stella:    Then let me begin. Our cat shall henceforth and forever be known to all as “MOONCAT”. After all, she is the color of the moon in the sky, all dark gray and light gray and medium gray.

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Me:        No more Moon the Cat? She’s been called that since she’s been with us, many years before you came.

Stella:    Just because someone has been called a name for a long time does not mean that they have to be stuck with it.

Me:        Doesn’t Moon the Cat have a say-so in this?

Stella:    I will inform her of the change later. Mooncat will not object. Consider it, Lady Human. Would you like to be called, “Lady THE Human”?

Me:        No.

Stella:    You see?

Me:        Since neither Lady nor Human are part of my name.

Stella:    Then why do I call you that?

Me:        It’s just a thing between you and me. Let me ask you this. Would you like to be called “Stelladog”?

Stella:    Of course not. How silly! If I were to be called anything other than Queen Stella or Your Majesty, it would be STELLABULLDOG. I hope I have made that perfectly clear.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

We Live in TAXES – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We live in Taxes. The humans around here seem to be proud of that.

Me:        Texas. We live in Texas, not taxes. Taxes are something completely different.

Stella:    Sounds the same to me.

Me:        Texas is a geographic area that is a state within the United States of America. You can live in it. You can walk on it. It is ground and water and air and history and weather and types of special foods and drinks. For us, it is home.

Stella:    It is this house and this ground?

Me:        It is this house and ground and lots of other houses and ground.

Stella:    So, what are these taxes that the humans are talking about?

Me:        Taxes are money that various governments bill people and businesses to pay the expenses of…well, government.

Stella:    Government?

Me:        People like presidents and Congress and legislatures and governors and kings and queens…

Stella:    Queens?

Me:        Yes, where they have such leaders.

Stella:    You mean, all this time, I could have been billing people and they would have paid me. Wow. Think of all the treats I could have gotten.

Me:        But you are the queen of some bulldogs. You wouldn’t be able to tax people.

Stella:    Aw. That won’t work. These bulldogs of mine are broke. Pffft! Never mind.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Watch the Way I Walk – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I walk like a queen.

Me:        If a queen sashays, you do.

Stella:    Sashay? You mean when I walk all fancy with my whole body shifting back and forth and back and forth.

Tiger:     Yes, it’s disgusting. Please stop it. I can’t watch it anymore.

Stella:    How rude! Show me more respect! I am your queen!

Tiger:     I still haven’t figured out how that happened.

Wiggles:   Look at me. I can walk funny, too!

Stella:    That’s a comma dance. And who are you calling ‘funny’? Your walk is not a sashay. My style is more dignified and, dare I say it, ladylike.

Me:        You mean human?

Stella:    No! Heaven forbid! I am a bulldog. Why would I want to be like a human?

Doodlebug:        How about my walk?

Me:        Yeah, Doodle. Your stallion walk on your hind legs is something else.

Stella:    Cute, but only one of those tricks the humans love because it makes you look like them, all sassy on their hind legs.

Me:        Humans don’t have hind legs.

Miss Sweetie:    Look at my walk, Aunt Stella. I can sashay, too. My rear end moves this way and my rear end moves that way. And my rear end moves…

Stella:    I get the picture. Sorry, Sweetie. That is just walking, regular old everyday walking. Walking is great, but only a true queen can sashay, and I am a true queen, despite the fact that my head is still lacking a crown. Hint, hint, Lady Human.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Ruckus or Rampage – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Well, Your Majesty. I could use your help.

Stella:    Your Majesty? About time I got the respect I deserve. What can I help you with, human peasant?

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Granted. I am always happy to be gracious. What is your petition?

Me:        Help me when the others start to rampage.

Stella:    Rampage?

Miss Sweetie:    You know, Aunt Stella. When we suddenly jump up and run around like mad and climb on the furniture, which is for us anyway. I don’t know why everybody wants us to stay off of it.

Doodlebug:        And we dive into the rag box and pull stuff out and chase the cat if the cat is to be found. If not, we pretend to chase the cat full speed.

Wiggles:   I thought that was a ruckus.

Tiger:     No, a ruckus is just a lot of noise. A rampage is the real thing. Out of control. Wild. Bulldoggy. Woo hoo!

Me:        What causes a rampage? Or a ruckus?

Doodlebug:   It just seems the thing to do sometimes.

Miss Sweetie:    I like to rampage after my breakfast digests. More energy.

Tiger:     I prefer to ruckus. Louder but less effort.

Wiggles:   I just need to know. If I charge the cat potty box, is that a rampage or a ruckus?

Me:        That’s a no-no.

Wiggles:   Okay, so it’s a rampage then. Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018  H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

An Easter Norther Stole Our Spring – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yesterday it was what the humans call Spring. Today it is what I call freaking cold. Spring ran away. I guess it is afraid of the cold wind.

Me:        Yesterday the temperature was in the 80’s. Today it’s been in the 30’s. Welcome to Texas.

Miss Sweetie:    Why, Lady Human, why? The sky is blank. I can’t have a sunbath without a sun.

Me:        The Easter Norther was a week late this year.

Stella:    Easter Norther? Is that yet another horrible human invention? Are crazy people running things?

Me:        Nope. No human is in charge of the Easter Norther. Even after Spring has sprung, we usually get one last cold front right before Easter. I guess this one took the long way around.

Tiger:     My toes are cold. They were warm and now they are cold. This is a mysterious mystery. Who stole our Spring? And what is Spring anyway? And do we want it back? And how do we get it back if we do? These are questions that need answers.

Wiggles:   Please turn off the fans!

Me:        All the fans are off.

Wiggles:   Not the ones outside. They are blowing like the cold boxes in summer.

Me:        That’s the North Wind.

Doodlebug:        Well, Miss Easter Norther North Wind can keep her little jokes to herself from now on. Where is she anyway? I want to have a few words with her.

Me:        An Easter Norther can’t have a conversation. It is a weather front. It has no mouth.

Stella:    Of course, it does. It’s been spitting in my face all day long.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beware The Angry Oak – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Tall Man has made the oak tree angry. It is shaking its arms at us. Scary!

Me:        I don’t see any anger. It seems rather calm to me.

Stella:    How would you feel if someone went buzz buzz and cut off your branches?

Me:        Those branches were scraping the roof. If left alone, they would have damaged the roof, maybe even caused a leak.

Stella:    But when I go out, the oak tree shakes its leaves at me. It knows, Lady Human! IT KNOWS!

Me:        That is the breeze. If you think about it, the oak tree shakes its leaves at you every day except in the dead of summer.

Stella:    No, the oak tree is truly angry. Tall Man should have asked for permission before he used his buzz saw.

Me:        I promise you that the oak is healthy and now those limbs will never break, and the roof is safe.

Stella:    Who cares about a roof?

Me:        Have you ever lived under a leaky one?

Stella:    Yes.

Me:        Okay, well, since you came here, have you ever been under a leaky roof?

Stella:    No. Oh. I see. Leaky roofs aren’t so great. But what are we going to do about the angry oak? What if it starts moving closer to the door?

Me:        That is not the way of trees, Stella. Trees pretty much stay put.

Stella:    If you say so, I guess I have to take your word for it. Still, I am going to keep an eye on that tree. Just hand me that saw. Everybody has a right to self-defense.

Me:        Let’s see. Dog with a chainsaw. Nope.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

My Job Is To Stay With You – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I sleep in Lady Human’s room, in her bed and in my special space by her bed. It is soft and comfortable and, since she stopped stinking up her room with the smelly mist machine, it has been enjoyable.

Me:        I like my essential oil diffuser.

Stella:    I don’t, so not important. What I like best of all is that for a few weeks now, she lets me return to the room after the morning break, and I rest, and nap and she reads stuff and answers something that humans call “email”. Humans are always making up new words for unimportant stuff.

Me:        Well, at some point each day, we must exit my room and emerge into the larger world.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        There are things to do.

Stella:    What?

Me:        Stuff. Like washing dishes and clothes. Like running errands including buying dog food and treats. Important stuff.

Stella:    It can wait.

Me:        You would wait for food and treats? I don’t think so.

Stella:    I want to stay with you. I want to lie in bed and stretch and snore. The others can wait. They are fine. And you will always have food for us. Let’s stay in your room.  Let’s just live there.

Me:        It won’t work for long, Stella. Things have to be done to keep things running smoothly.

Stella:    Let others take care of that. Tall Man. He can do the shopping. Tiger can take care of the pack.

Me:        That means you won’t be the queen anymore.

Stella:    Huh?

Me:        Well, if you are going to live in my room and only come out to use the bathroom, somebody else will have to take over.

Stella:    But I am the Queen. No one else can be the Queen.

Me:        Queens have jobs to do.

Stella:    Why can’t my job be to sleep in on your softy bed all day? That seems to be my perfect job description.

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Pounding Paws – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human!

Me:        Mmhmm.

Stella:    Lady Human! Pound. Pound. Pound.

Me:        Oh, Stella. Why? I’m trying to take a nap.

Stella:    No! You must pay attention to me! Pound. Pound. Pound.

Me:        Please don’t pound me with your paws.

Stella:    That’s what bulldog paws are for.

Me:        I thought they were for walking and running and digging. And for scratching.

Stella:    Wrong. Your hands are for scratching us.

Me:        I was up half the night.  I just want a little nap.

Stella:    Napping is for bulldogs! Pound. Pound. Pound.

Me:        Stella, please! When I cover my shoulders with the sheet and hide my hands, that means sleep time, not petting or scratching time. See! My hands are all tucked in.

Stella:    I like your face.

Me:        Thank you.

Stella:    Here. Let me pound it.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

The Great Human Egg Obsession – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something was wrong with Tall Man yesterday. I regret to say that I have not figured it out.

Me:        Nothing is wrong with Tall Man.

Stella:    He was sitting on the floor. Do you call that normal human behavior?

Me:        Yeah, sometimes.

Stella:    No, it is not. Sitting on the floor is bulldog behavior. Floors were make for us to sit on. As were big softy chairs. And couches. And human beds. And…

Me:        Floors are platforms for humans, too.

Stella:    Not only was he sitting on the floor, his legs were crossed like he was some kind of weird cat, though all cats are weird.

Me:        Humans sit cross-legged at times.

Stella:    And he was surrounded by millions of strangely shaped balls that looked a whole lot like the eggs the chickens lay. But guess what?

Me:        Pray tell what?

Stella:    They were not like the eggs the chickens lay. He was opening them and there was no yellow goo inside. Ask me how I know about the yellow goo in eggs?

Me:        I don’t have to. I already know.

Stella:    Well, there was no goo in the eggs Tall Man was opening. And he was putting stuff into the eggs. And guess what?

Me:        What?

Stella:    The stuff was candy. Human candy. Ask me how I know.

Me:        How do you know?

Stella:    Candy smells like guess what? Candy. Candy smells like candy. Why, Lady Human, why? Why was Tall Man sitting on the floor cross-legged, opening millions of fake eggs, and putting candy in them?

Me:        First, he did not have millions of eggs. He had about a hundred which is still a lot.

Stella:    I counted millions but go on.

Me:        Those plastic eggs with candy in them were for a game that some human children play on Easter. People hide the eggs and the children search for them.

Stella:    I don’t understand.

Me:        Well, the fun is in the finding. They get excited to hunt the eggs, and when they find one, they have the bonus of getting the candy inside.

Stella:    So, you hide candy in fake eggs and hide the fake eggs, forcing the children to search for them and this is supposed to be a fun game. Shame on you all, Lady Human. Don’t ever try to fool me like that. Unless, of course, you are hiding real chicken treats. Then you are welcome to try to fool me. My nose will win every time.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Reading the Ground – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am strolling around the yard with Lady Human, not doing any business if you know what I mean. We are just checking out spring. What are you staring at?

Me:        You.

Stella:    Yes, I do deserve your undivided attention.

Me:        I like watching how you work your nose.

Stella:    Haven’t you heard? Humans say that bulldogs are not a “working” breed.

Me:        Looks like work to me.

Stella:    I am reading the ground. I think that is how a human would put it. But not the way you read one of those silly things you call a “book” because that would just be weird. You would have to put it on the ground and stick your nose on it and sniff and sniff and leave some nose drool and a nose print on it. I can’t really imagine you doing that.

Me:        So, when you read the ground, what do you learn?

Stella:    Who passed by this way, what they had to eat, whether this is their favorite pee spot. Stuff like that.

Me:        Yeah, you wouldn’t get much out of my books.

Stella:    You mean I wouldn’t be able to tell who had handled it, or who had just eaten pizza or a hamburger or a chicken treat, or who had peed on it?

Me:        I certainly hope not.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Bulldog Ballet – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug:        And I am Doodlebug Dancing Dog. Please use my full name.

Miss Sweetie:    Nope. It’s too long. I will keep calling you Doodle.

Me:        He always makes me laugh when he does that. I just wish I knew when he was going to do it.

Stella:    What? That prancing he does on his hind legs? That’s not dancing. That’s two-footed, tall dog begging. Haven’t you noticed, Lady Human?

Me:        Noticed what?

Stella:    He only does it when you have food in your hands. I thought humans were smart and observant. I guess I was wrong again.

Tiger:     That’s nothing. Look what I can do. Spin. Spin. Spin. Now the other way. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Me:        You two should start a ballet company. Toe dancers.

Wiggles:   I can dance. Watch. MMMPH! UMMMPH! No, I can’t. Never mind.

Me:        You can comma dance. More like tap dancing than ballet…

Wiggles:   That makes me Wiggles Comma Dancer.

Tiger:     What is my dancing name?

Stella:    Tiger Twinkle Toes.

Tiger:     How dare you!

Me:        How about something that takes your spinning into account? Something like Tiger Torque Wrench.

Tiger:     Yes, that is more dignified for a strong bulldog like me. Thank you, Lady Human.

Me:        Miss Sweetie, do you want to dance?

Miss Sweetie:    Mmmm, nope.

Me:        It would be good exercise.

Miss Sweetie:    I already exercise. Cat chasing. Couch jumping. Rampaging. Oh, and the most important exercise. Napping. Call me Sweetie Snooze Sleeper.

Stella:    No one is going to buy a ticket to watch that.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Fun Times – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human and Wiggles went off together by themselves the other day. I have held my peace in patience UNTIL NOW! Where did you go? What did you do? Why were you gone so long?

Me:        And why is any of this your business?

Stella:    Everything having to do with the Pack is my business. I am the Queen. If someone is having fun, I need to know about it so that I can demand equal fun time for me.

Me:        If you must know, Wiggles and I went to the vet the other day.

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Stella:    Wrong answer! Visits to the vet never take that long.

Me:        They do when the vet is super busy. Wiggles, where did we go in the car?

Wiggles:   To a place I have been before.

Me:        I know. But what happened there?

Wiggles:   Stuff.

Stella:    I know what you were doing. You were eating ice cream and corny dogs.

Me:        Wiggles, were we eating anything?

Wiggles:   No, there was no eating. I kept waiting and then that nice lady said something about a treat and then nothing like that happened and I was sad.

Me:        What did happen?

Wiggles:   One nice lady poked something into my rear end. That was not a treat. And then another nice lady let a bug bite me.

Me:        That was a rabies vaccination.

Wiggles:   She should not have let that bite me.

Me:        It’s not a bug. It’s a shot with a needle.

Wiggles:   She caught me when I was not looking. Not fair.

Me:        Okay, Stella, does that sound like lots of fun to you?

Stella:    I’m still not sure what was going on.  But I’m sure I smelled corny dog on Wiggles’ breath when she got back.

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bulldog Reveille – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is a dark and non-stormy night.

Me:        Excuse me. It is 6 o’clock in the morning.

Stella:    It is dark outside. Why is it dark outside? Where is the sun? Why did you wake me up at this unreasonable hour?

Me:        I did not wake you up at this unreasonable hour. You woke me up.

Stella:    Why did I wake you up at this unreasonable hour? Oh, I remember. Potty.

Doodlebug:        Breakfast call! Breakfast call! Breakfast call!

Me:        Okay, I hear you, Doodle.

Doodlebug:        Breakfast call! Breakfast call! Breakfast call!

Me:        All right, Doodle! I hear you!

Doodlebug:        Breakfast call! Breakfast…

Stella:    Potty call comes first! Coming through! Running out!

Me:        Here’s your breakfast. And your breakfast. And your breakfast. And your breakfast. And Stella’s breakfast.

Tiger:     Why are we eating in the dark?

Me:        Ask Stella and Doodlebug.

Tiger:     Doodle, why did call breakfast so early?

Doodlebug:        My stomach said it was the right thing to do.

Miss Sweetie:    But I don’t want to potty in the dark.

Me:        Then just run outside and run back in. The outside light is on.

Wiggles:    It’s no different than pottying in the sun, Sweetie. The landmarks are all the same.

Tiger:     Doodlebug should not be calling breakfast. I should be.

Wiggles:   If we waited for that, Tiger, we would never have breakfast.

Doodlebug:        Besides, my voice is bigger because my head is bigger.

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Me:        Doodle, do you realize that about 2 weeks ago, it would have been 5 o’clock in the morning right now instead of 6 a.m.?

Doodlebug:        No.

Me:        What I mean is you are going the wrong way. Breakfast is getting earlier and earlier.

Doodlebug:        Earlier breakfast. That doesn’t sound wrong to me.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Where Did My Hair Get Off To? – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you need to give Wiggles some of your clothes.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    She is running around naked.

Me:        Technically, so are you. So are all of you.

Stella:    Nonsense. I am covered with hair. I am never naked. That is my natural state. But just look at Wiggles. She is naked on both sides.

Me:        Yeah, she’s blown her coat again. That happens about once a year with her. A good number of dogs blow their coats going from winter into spring. Her coat is a lot thinner than yours so when she loses hair, her skin shows through.

Wiggles:   Where did my hair get off to?

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Me:        Check the ground.

Wiggles:   Please sweep it up and stick it back on, Lady Human. Stella keeps calling me naked like that’s something bad. Is that bad?

Me:        Well, you’re only missing some hair on your sides. It’s growing back in.

Wiggles:   My sides do feel a little breezy when the wind blows. Maybe I should go naked all the time, especially in the hot season.

Stella:    NOOOO!!! Nobody wants to see that! Cover it up! Cover it up! Somebody, find my sweater!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Ice Bath – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Miss Sweetie is a beloved member of our pack. She is an idiot.

Miss Sweetie:    I love you, too, Aunt Stella.

Me:        Sweetie is not an idiot. She’s a little…quirky…sometimes. And at other times, she is scary smart.

Stella:    Would that be when she sits in the puppy pool full of rainwater on a morning when the temperature was…what was the temperature this morning, Lady Human?

Me:        48 degrees Fahrenheit.

Stella:    48 degrees fah…blah…blah…whatever that means. Bottom line, it was a trifle cool this morning to go for a swim.

Me:        It was chilly, Sweetie. I was surprised to see you try it.

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Miss Sweetie:    The trees are green. The birds are singing. The sky is clear. Aunt Stella says that means winter is over. That means SWIMMING WEATHER!

Me:        Swimming weather may take a while longer to arrive. Didn’t you find the water in the puppy pool a little too cold for comfort?

Miss Sweetie:    Now that you mention it, I sat down in it and it was not comfortable, so I stood up and then my feetsies got cold, so I stepped out of it.

Stella:    In short, it was too cold to get in the puppy pool which all the rest of us seemed to know.

Me:        I have dumped out the rainwater, so it won’t be a temptation.

Miss Sweetie:    No! How will I swim?

Stella:    Sweetie, you can’t swim in the puppy pool.  It’s not swimming weather yet.

Miss Sweetie:   They are my feetsies. If I want to ice my own toes, my business.

Stella:    Do you see, Lady Human? Now you understand what we are dealing with.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Finders Keepers – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has lost something. She shows all the classic human signs. She picks up stuff and puts stuff down again. She keeps circling the same areas, looking, looking. This has been going on for hours. I wish I could help. What are you searching for, Lady Human?

Me:        Oh, those toenail clippers I was using on y’all the other day.

Stella:    I am sorry that I asked. I wish you all the failure in the world.

Me:        Well, that’s rude. I had them right here and I have no idea where I put them. Wait. One of the bulldogs didn’t carry them off, did they?

Stella:    I don’t know. Did they? How would I know? What do I look like? Their queen?

Me:        I understand that you all don’t like getting your nails trimmed.

Stella:    Don’t like? Mild language indeed.

Me:        I’ll check in the yard. Maybe Wiggles sneaked out with them.

Stella:    Pssst! Hey, Wiggles, did you snatch the nail cutters?

Wiggles:   Mmmm. What do they taste like?

Stella:    If you see them, grab them. The longer they stay missing, the longer we are free from nail chopping.

Me:        Never mind. No worries. Tall Man found them under a cushion on the couch. Wonder how they ended up there.

Stella:    Awww.

Miss Sweetie:    Sorry, Aunt Stella. I tried. I’m not that good at hide and seek nail clippers.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.