“A large nose takes a lot of holding. If there’s a stink, get started early.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Hold Your Nose
Out the Wazoo – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those humans on the Big Picture Box are talking silly again. They said something was “out the wazoo”. Does that mean outside?
Me: In a way, yes.
Doodlebug: What’s a wazoo?
Me: Let me put it this way. Everyone has one.
MoonCat: Seems imminently fair to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Total Stranger – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby and Bud: Aaaccckkk! Human walking! Strange human walking through!
Sweetie: Yeah, but Lady Human let her in so it’s okay. Chill out, birdies.
MoonCat: Bet nobody else has watchbirds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Budgie House Cleaning – Part 2 – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Huuumaaaan!
Me: Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Sweetie: Look at the budgies’ house. All that cleaning you did. Where is it?
Doodlebug: They scattered seeds and shells all over the floors, theirs and ours.
Baby and Bud: Where were we supposed to scatter them?
MoonCat: I love practical minded birds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Budgie House Cleaning – Part 1 – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, stand back a little. It’s budgie housecleaning day.
Sweetie: Can I help?
Me: Yes, by standing back.
Baby and Bud: Accckk! We pooped over there.
Me: Yes, I noticed.
Sweetie: How come the birds get to poop in their house, but we have to go outside?
Me: You can’t fly.
Doodlebug: No fair. MoonCat can’t fly and she gets to go in the house.
MoonCat: Excuse me, bulldogs. I have well-developed bathroom habits. Think about trying that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
What’s Going Into Your Ears? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: She’s plugged in again.
Doodlebug: Lady Human, what goes into your ears when you plug those things into your ears?
Sweetie: Yeah, we keep our ears open so they can, you know, be ears.
Me: Right now, it’s music.
Doodlebug: Ew! No! That human screechy stuff.
MoonCat: She didn’t have a recording of bulldog screechy stuff. She had to make do.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Porch Guard – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Buggdogges. What are you doing sitting out there, Lady Human? And what are we doing sitting here watching you?
Me: Tall Man asked me to watch the car while he’s working on something. He gave it a good cleaning and it has to dry out. That’s why its doors are open.
Doodlebug: It looks like a bird with four wings spread.
Sweetie: So you’re a guard of cars like we are of chickens.
Me: Chickens are more fun to watch.
Sweetie: Shouldn’t we have badges?
MoonCat: Where would we pin them?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Comes the Fall
“Eventually, all leaves fade and fall.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Have an Egg Sandwich – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How did you make those eggs go flat, Lady Human?
Me: I cracked them open over a heated pan and fried them.
Sweetie: Mmmmm. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! And that flat stuff on the outside.
Me: Bread? You want an egg sandwich?
MoonCat: Does that question even need to be asked?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Rain, Rain, Don’t Go Away! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the rain! The rain!
Me: Yeah, it’s great. First rain in quite a while.
Sweetie: But my poor wet tootsies.
Me: They can dry just fine in the house. We need the water.
Sweetie: I have water in my bowl.
Me: And where did that come from?
Doodlebug: You turned on that long metal thing over the sink.
Me: And before that?
MoonCat: It’s a deep, dark secret that only the humans know…Oh, wait…
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Return of the Possum! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what’s this mess?
Me: Oh, great! Some varmint has pulled a sack of bread into the yard.
Sweetie: Whoever did it has bad breath.
Me: More than likely a possum.
Sweetie: No! Not again.! Trespasser! You just wait til I track your grabby little feet.
Me: I guess the bread wasn’t that good. She wouldn’t have left it.
MoonCat: How dare anyone leave their rejected snacks in our yard! At least leave something we like.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Stopped Up Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. You have stuff coming out of your ears, Lady Human.
Sweetie: Yeah, long, stringy stuff.
Me: Huh? Oh, sorry. What was that?
Sweetie: It’s only those things she plugs her ears up with.
Doodlebug: Her noise boxes.
MoonCat: Oh, may I please have some?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Chicken Chaser – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s all the commotion?
Sweetie: Help, Lady Human! That wild crazy chicken is chasing me!
Me: Were you messing with her nest?
Sweetie: No. Yes. Maybe. There was an egg. I like eggs.
MoonCat: That’s why I stay in a chicken-free zone. Less temptation.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Food Focus – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What’s for lunch today?
Sweetie: Same as every day. Food.
Me: I’ll have a sandwich.
Doodlebug: Me, too.
Sweetie: Me, three.
Me: Uh-oh.
MoonCat: Lady Human? Did you bring enough for everyone?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Sleepytime
“When sleepytime comes, SLEEP! Ignore the loud mouths.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Freshness Guarantee – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yuck!
Sweetie: Something is wrong in our bowls.
Doodlebug: Yeah. Yuck. Stale and stinky. Your job, Lady Human.
Me: They look fine.
Sweetie: Looks don’t count. Smell them.
Me: No, thank you. All you talk about lately is food. I’ll get you something different.
MoonCat: That is the appropriate response.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Food Smacking Good – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human? Hint, hint.
Me: I know. It’s just about eating time again.
Sweetie: Notice how ready my mouth is.
Me: No drooling on the floor. Wait for your bowl.
MoonCat: Once the food smacking starts, it’s too late. Watch your step.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Running on Empty – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: You look tired, Lady Human. Didn’t you sleep well? We did.
Me: I’m trying a change in my diet and I haven’t eaten yet today.
Doodlebug: Diet? That sounds like a bad word.
Me: No, diet just has to do with the food you eat.
Sweetie: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!
MoonCat: Uh-oh! Now you’ve flipped that switch on.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Fine Print – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What’s that, Lady Human?
Me: I don’t see anything.
Doodlebug: An animal stepped there. Can’t you smell it?
Me: No, fine-tuned scenting is not my specialty. Oh, I see it now. Probably a stray cat walked through here.
MoonCat: What humans call “reading the fine print”.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Knock Knock Knocking – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. WHO’S THERE?
Sweetie: Lady Human, please stop that human from using their knuckles the wrong way.
Me: What is going on? That’s about 25 knocks. No! I’m not opening to a stranger!
Sweetie: I can use my knuckles on them.
Me: No, if they have legitimate business, they can call or leave a note.
MoonCat: Waking me up from my nap! I would like to leave them a note! Wait until they see what I write my notes with.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
