Taste Test – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, cut that out! You know I don’t like you licking on my legs.

Stella: Hold still. It won’t take long.

Me:  No. And why do you do that anyway?

Stella: To see what you taste like.

Me:  What? Like I’m food?

Stella:  You taste like salt. But only after you’ve been outside in the heat. And not after you wash off. So I’ve got to do this taste test quick. Otherwise, you’ll have the flavor of plain old tasteless human again.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Please, Go to Sleep! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! What is going on? Is there an emergency? Should we start barking?

Me:  No, please don’t!

Stella:  There is a bright light. Is the sky on fire again?

Me:  No, everything is calm.

Stella:  Then why are you awake and, more importantly, why am I awake?

Me:  I’m just playing a game on my phone. I’m a little wakeful.

Stella:  Should I lick your face?

Me:  No, that will not make me sleepy. Quite the opposite.

Stella:  Should I stare at you without blinking?

Me:  That won’t help either.

Stella:  I know what to do. I will pound you with my paw until you put your black hand box down. That will work.

Me:  Oh, all right.

Stella:  Works every time. Now GO TO SLEEP!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Two Stars – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is time for my occasional review of the hotel staff where we reside.

Me:  Once again, this is not a hotel. This is our home. And we are not your hotel staff.

Stella:  You could have fooled me. I give an overall score of two stars out of…wait, one, two, three, four, five…out of five stars. I had to count toes to make sure.

Me:  We only get two stars?

Stella:  I am being generous. For example, lunch and supper were late today, but I gave you two stars since you did remember.

Me:  Both lunch and supper were on time.

Stella:  Not according to my stomach clock. And Doodlebug had to wake you up this morning or you would have slept through breakfast.

Me:  He does that every morning. I wait for him. And you did sleep through breakfast.

Stella:  I prefer a late breakfast. The customer is always right.

Me:  Again, this is not a hotel. You are not a customer.

Stella:  With that attitude, you will never earn your third star. Too bad.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

Lamb’s Quarter Forest – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It’s a forest, Lady Human. Our wonderful bulldog land has turned into a forest.

Me:  Bulldog land? You mean our yard?

Stella:  What else could I mean?

Me:  Of course. Sorry. The lamb’s quarter has been prolific this year.

Stella:  Does ‘prolific’ mean ‘taken over’?

Me:  Well, temporarily. But…

Stella:  But I could get lost out there. It is crowding our paths and shadowing the ground.

Me:  Think of it as shade in the summer heat.

Stella:  No. What are you going to do about it?

Me:  Right now, nothing. The lamb’s quarter can be edible. And it’s not a bad thing to have another food source.

Stella:  Food for us?

.Me:  It’s like a giant garden salad. But precautions have to be taken. And I don’t know about you all.

Stella: Nope. You forgot who you were talking to. We are bulldogs. We don’t do green food.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Bingeing – Conversations with Stella


I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, stop staring at your little hand box.

Me:  Huh?

Stella:  Put your little hand box down.

Me:  I’m watching something.

Stella:  You’ve been watching something all day long.

Me:  Huh?

Stella:  If you want to stare at something, stare at me.

Me:  Well, I’m binge watching this show. You see, there’s this family and they’re in trouble with…

Stella:  Binge? I don’t know ‘binge’.

Me: Sure, you do. Bulldogs binge all the time, only with y’all it’s food or treats or naps…

Stella:  Oh, you mean living. Then we will go on binge living and you can join us when you decide to binge live, too.
 


Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Count to Three – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  I am owed another cracker.

Me:  I don’t think so.

Stella:  How many crackers do you need?

Wiggles:  All of them.

Stella:  Then there won’t be any for me. No fair.

Me:  Think, Wiggles. You got one when you came in my room to go to bed.

Wiggles:  One.

Me:  You got a second one when you got into your bed.

Wiggles:  Two.

Me:  And when Stella came in, you got a third one.

Wiggles:  Three.

Stella:  Hey, wait! I got one when I came in and then I got one more. I’m the one who is owed another cracker. I can count to three.

Me:  Oh, all right. I was saving this last one for myself. But since it’s important to you, here you go.

Stella:  So you won’t get one, Lady Human.

Me:  Not tonight.

Stella:  But I got three and Wiggles got three. That seems fair. All right.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Firecrackers – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are those noises, Lady Human, and you don’t have to tell me. I know the humans are doing something loud again.

Me:  Those are just some firecrackers somebody nearby is shooting off.

Stella:  Fire crackers?

Me:  Yeah, not the big ones.

Stella:  Why would anybody shoot a cracker? What a waste! I will take them. Do they taste good?

Me:  They are called firecrackers because of the sound they make. They are not your type of cracker.

Stella:  Aren’t they made with cheese?

Me:  No, they’re made with explosives. In other words, they blow up.

Stella:  Why are humans always blowing things up?

Me:  I have no real idea.

Stella:  Well, y’all better leave my type of crackers alone.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Bag in the Hand – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’d’ya bring me, Lady Human? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Me:  Bring you? Well, nothing.

Stella:  Nothing! What have you been doing?

Me:  I went grocery shopping for me.

Stella:  Typical human selfishness.

Me:  Hey, I shop for you all plenty.

Stella:  What’s in that bag in your hand?

Me:  Limes.

Stella:  Nope.

Me:  Potatoes.

Stella:  Mmmm…naw.

Me:  Butter.

Stella:  Maybe later.

Me:  My turn to say ‘Nope’.

Stella:  From now on, keep your food bags to yourself. Teasing is no fair.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Nose Activity – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What smells?

Wiggles: EVERYTHING.

Stella:  Yes, but something smells bad.

Me:  I understand y’all’s prowess in the nasal receptor realm, but nothing smells bad in here right now which is unusual in and of itself.

Miss Sweetie:  I smell the bad. I think it is from those flowers the humans like. I am going out so I don’t have to smell them until they dry up.

Me:  What makes you think that you are not going to smell flowery stuff outside?

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, yeah, but outside there is so much more air.

Me:  I can’t even smell the flowers.

Doodlebug:  That’s because you ruined your nose, Lady Human, by carrying around flower water in a bottle.

Me:  The lavender oil.

Doodlebug:  Eeewww! Yes!

Miss Sweetie:  Don’t even mention it.

Wiggles:  If you are bringing that out, I am leaving the room.

Me:  I have seen each of you stick your respective noses into all kinds of gross stuff and you hate lavender oil?

Stella:  A bulldog’s nose is far more discerning than a human’s. Humans need to get better taste in their noses.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Something Fishy – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You have done it again, Lady Human. You have gone somewhere and have come back all smelly.

Me:  Well, yes.

Stella:  It wasn’t someplace good that served beef or barbeque.

Me:  Well, no, they did not serve beef, but…

Stella:  Something from the water. Hmmmpph! Fish! And you brought some home with you.

Me:  Your nose amazes me.

Stella:  It would not have been my choice, but I’ll settle. Give it here.

Me:  My leftover catfish?

Stella:  Eewww! Cat fish! In that case, a million times no! On second thought, let me have a taste. How bad can it be? Even if it is named after cats.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Show Me Your Hands! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  And I still don’t have my third cracker.

Stella:  Third cracker? How come she gets three crackers when I only get two?

Me:  Well, sometimes I’m hungry and I eat one as a snack.

Stella:  What? Are you palming one now? Show me your hands!

Me:  Am I a card dealer now who has to show you my hands?

Stella:  I don’t know what that card thing means, but you do if you are sneaking crackers!

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Running with the Horses – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Explain yourself, Lady Human.

Me:  Whatever do you mean?

Stella: You were gone all afternoon and you came back smelling funny.

Me:  You can smell that? Huh.

Stella:  You’ve been around some animal.

Me:  Truth be told, I went to a horse racetrack with a friend.

Stella: Horses? Like on the Picture Box? But they could have run over you!

Me:  Naw. They were running on a track or walking around the parade ground before a race.

Stella:  You raced them! Lady Human, I had no idea that you were that fast. You seem pretty slow around here.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Egg Breath – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wiggles, stop getting in Lady Human’s face. That’s rude. Fun, but rude.

Wiggles:  I smell them. Where are they?

Me:  Wiggles, please.

Wiggles:  Eggs. You have eaten eggs. They are on your breath.

Me:  Sorry, I need to brush my teeth.

Wiggles:  No, don’t. I like it. Now, where are mine?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Do You Have Enough for Everyone? – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Do you smell that or is it a dream?

Stella:  I smell it. Lady Human?

Me:  Um-hmmm?

Wiggles:  You have eggs.

Me:  Uh-huh.

Wiggles:  Mine.

Stella:  Mine.

Me:  No, I think they’re mine.

Stella:  They? There are more than one? Egg-cellent!

Wiggles:  Why are you tempting us, Lady Human?

Stella:  You brought eggs around us. You knew what would happen. Now all we want to know is: Did you bring enough for everyone?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Dogged – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Stella, please explain to me what Doodlebug is doing.

Stella:  Isn’t that obvious? He is wrestling a tree.

Me:  Doodle, why are you fighting that little tree?

Doodlebug:  It…is…stubborn. It… won’t… give… me… its…leaves.

Me:  How…come…you…need…its…leaves?

Doodlebug:  I…don’t…know.

Me:  Well, you are dogged. I’ll give you that.

Stella:  Oh, he’s dogged. He’s a bulldog.

Me:  Dogged means determined, not giving up.

Stella:  Like I said. Why are you repeating me? Dogged bulldog.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Chinchy – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hey, Lady Human, what is the meaning of this?

Me:  A cracker. Your favorite.

Stella:  Uh, my crackers don’t look like this. This one is ragged on one side and about half the size.

Me:  Well, I broke it in half so you and Wiggles could both have at least some. I was running a little low on crackers.

Stella:  And how did that happen? What about human planning?

Me:  Human planning ran a little short this time, too.

Stella:  So, you decided to be…what is that word?

Me:  Chinchy. Stingy. Miserly.

Stella:  How many words do you humans have for shorting a bulldog on her crackers?

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Funny Human Noises – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you sound funny.

Me:  Allergies. Uh. Drainage.

Stella:  Why?

Me:  Not really a choice.

Stella:  I’m glad bulldogs don’t sound like that.

Me:  With all the snoring and snorting and grunting…

Stella:  I don’t snore. I have never heard myself snore one time. And I certainly don’t snort or grunt. When are you going to stop making those noises?

Me:  As soon as possible.

Stella:  Oh, all right. So long as it is before my bedtime. Can’t have no human snoring, snorting, grunting, sniffing or sneezing waking me up.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Reading the Paper – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  Hey, I notice that you stop and sniff the ground every place that someone else has been.

Stella:  Yes. The daily news.

Me:  Hah, like a newspaper.

Stella:  How else am I going to know how everyone is?

Me:  But you are inside with them all the time.

Stella:  Not the same. I am sure you humans do likewise.

Me:  No, we don’t. Thankfully.

Stella:  How can you avoid the daily news in those tiny little rooms.

Me:  Our noses aren’t like yours. We talk to each other or read to get our news.

Stella:  Highly inaccurate and not very scientific.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Lay-A-Bed – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  And apparently, I am not though I should be.

Me:  Okay, up and at ‘em.

Stella:  Up? Why?

Wiggles:  At ‘em? At who? I don’t get up for just anybody.

Me:  Y’all are becoming lay-a-beds. Sleep all night. Sleep all day.

Stella:  Lay-a-bed. Sounds nice. Suits me fine.

Wiggles:  Yeah, me, too. Sign me up.

Me:  Oh, come on! You’ll get a bad reputation for laziness.

Stella:  Too late.

Wiggles:  Guilty.

Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Keep Your Eyes to Yourself! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…CUT IT OUT, WIGGLES!

Wiggles:  HOW DARE YOU!

Stella:  ME? HOW DARE YOU!

Me:  How dare either one of you! Stella, face that way! Wiggles, you turn that other way! Now what started this?

Stella: She looked at me in my eyes. Nobody looks at me in my eyes!

Me:  I do.

Stella:  Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ll let it go for now.

Me:  Wiggles, what started it?

Wiggles: She looked at me in my eyes. I’ll put up with a lot, but I won’t tolerate that!

Me:  Oh, my word. “She looked at me.” “And she looked at me.” Are you kidding me? As long as the two of you have known each other, that is still a problem?

Wiggles:  Not if she keeps her eyes to herself.

Stella:  I’m good looking, but I won’t stand for no staring.

Me:  You know what this means? I have to hang a curtain between the two of you at night so there won’t be any staring.

Wiggles:  Sounds good.

Stella:  Yeah, that’ll work. Good night, Wiggles.

Wiggles:  Good night, Stella.

Copyright 2021 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.