Yoga Dog – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Doodlebug:  And stretch…and stretch back.

Me:  Cool!

Stella:  What is so cool? He is putting his paw on the wall and bending down. And now he is putting the other paw on the wall and bending down. And now he is reaching back with his hind legs and leaning forward. And that is pretty cool. How do you do that, Doodle?

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Doodlebug:  I stretch my long, long legs. They make me faster and handsomer than anybody else.

Me:  You do have a sleek, flexible body for a bulldog.

Stella:  Hey! Rude! I have a sleek, flexible bulldog body.

Me:  Sleek, flexible bulldog? Is that a thing?

Doodlebug:  Only when you’re talking about me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Ride the Lightning – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Don’t worry anybody! I’ll get it. No snake enters my house unchallenged!

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Stella:  Everybody stay back! Everybody means you, too, Wiggles!

Wiggles:  I’ll get it, Tall Man! It won’t bite you!

Tall Man:  No, but it might bite you and in a way you won’t expect. Back off, Wiggles!

Me:  Wiggles! Wiggles! That is not a snake! It is the electric cord to the vacuum cleaner!

Wiggles:  Don’t block me, Lady Human!

Me:  Yes, I will! That is a power cord and it is plugged in. We’ve talked about this, Wiggles! Power – electricity – fire in a rope! Don’t ever bite one! You don’t want to ride the lightning!

Wiggles:  Lightning! Like the fire in the sky?

Me:  Yes, but a little more controlled.

Wiggles:  Why did you let lightning in the house? You get upset when we let in a couple of flies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Vet Run – Part 4 – Conversations with Stella, Doodlebug, and Miss Sweetie

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I am Miss Sweetie, Princess of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  That’s a new idea.

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Miss Sweetie:  Is it all right for a princess to be scared? Because those humans with masks scare me.

Me:  I see quite a few humans not wearing masks and that kind of scares me.

Miss Sweetie:  Why do the dogs not wear masks?

Me:  There is not much chance of dogs catching the virus and no evidence that dogs can pass it to humans. If I put a mask on you, would you wear it?

Miss Sweetie:  No! Yuck!

Me:  So not an issue, is it? Well, I can’t get through to the vet office. Let’s go to the door and check in there.

Miss Sweetie:  If you insist.

Me:  Can I check in here? Okay, we’ll come in.

Miss Sweetie:  What’s behind that door? Who are those people? Why is that dog here?

Me:  Looks like she’s here to have her babies. Let’s go back outside. We can wait on a bench. They are keeping the number of people below 10 in here. It will be cooler outside anyway.

Miss Sweetie:  This isn’t nearly as fun as I thought it would be. How much longer?

Me:  Until the vet tech comes out with your…stuff…

Miss Sweetie:  Stuff. Like treats? It is cool out here. I like the vet.

Me:  Uh-huh. Okay.

Miss Sweetie:  Look! The mama dog! She looks sleepy. What is in that box?

Me:  Her babies. How many are there? Five. Good.

Miss Sweetie:  What did the human lady say? Five? What does that mean?

Me:  The little Boston Terrier had one…two…three…four…five babies.

Miss Sweetie:  Five babies! Scary!

Me:  Oh, here we go now.

Miss Sweetie:  Who is this masked person?

Me:  Just sit down and stay calm.

Miss Sweetie:  Why should I be…ouch!  She pinched me!  I don’t care if she is smiling behind that mask. Pinching is rude…ouch! She did it again!

Me:  Okay. We can start for home now.

Miss Sweetie:  You mean we came all this way just for her to pinch me twice? We could have stayed home and you could have done that.

Me:  Those pinches were your vaccines. And no, we couldn’t do that at home, not the rabies vaccine anyway.

Miss Sweetie:  You know what I think. Worst vacation ever. One more question about home? Are we there yet?

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vet Run – Part 3 – Conversations with Stella, Doodlebug, and Miss Sweetie

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I am Stella, Queen of the…

Miss Sweetie:  My turn! I get to go! Woo-hoo! Out of my way.

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Me:  Wait! You need your harness.

Miss Sweetie:  I love the rolling box.

Me:  Okay. Don’t stick your head between the seats. Sit back. Relax.

Miss Sweetie:  Ooooo! Ooooo! What’s that?

Me:  It’s an office building.

Miss Sweetie:  I want to live there!

Me:  People don’t live there. They work there. Well, sometimes. Not now.

Miss Sweetie:  Look, a human! Is that the vet?

Me:  No, this is going to be a long ride.

Miss Sweetie:  Where did the humans go?

Me:  There aren’t many people out this way. Relax.

Miss Sweetie:  Trees. Grass. Fences. BORING! Can I jump on the seat?

Me:  No. Don’t distract the driver.

Miss Sweetie:  Driver? Who is that?

Me:  Try a nap.

Miss Sweetie:  I can’t sleep. It’s too…brrroom…brroooom…

Me:  Sweet dreams, girl…

Miss Sweetie:  Are we there yet?

Me:  As a matter of fact,…

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, no, don’t stop, Lady Human. There be monsters here.

Me:  Those are just people wearing masks. Like this.

Miss Sweetie:  NOOO! Half your face is gone!

Me:  Nope, see. I can take it off. You’ve seen this before.

Miss Sweetie:  No! Put it back on!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vet Run – Part 2 – Conversations with Stella, Doodlebug, and Miss Sweetie

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Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No, Doodle, no. Does it look like we are there?

Doodlebug:  I don’t know what it looks like so how would I know if we were there. Are we there yet?

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Me:  Being there would involve slowing down and stopping.

Doodlebug:  Wake me when we are there.

Me:  Okay. We are here. Boy, the parking lot is full. I’ll call in and let them know we are here.

Doodlebug: Can we go home now? I don’t like this place. Why are you putting that cloth over your face? Is it cold outside? I don’t feel cold.

Me:  The mask is just a thing we do for now. Don’t be afraid. Let’s get out and stand by the car.

Doodlebug:  Who is that human coming toward us? She has a face covering, too. Is this a game you play?

Me:  I wish it were.

Doodlebug:  What is she doing? Why is she touching me? Ouch! I didn’t like that. This is why I don’t like this place. Ouch! It happened again.

Me:  Now we can go home.

Doodlebug: Finally.

Me:  Without a traffic jam, it will be quicker getting home than it was getting here. And we’re on our way.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Vet Run – Part 1 – Conversations with Stella, Doodlebug, and Miss Sweetie

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You can leave me out of this one, Lady Human. I am not going to the vet.

Me:  No, it’s not your turn. Doodlebug is going and then Miss Sweetie will go tomorrow.

Miss Sweetie:  I want to go today, too.

Me:  Nope. I’m doing this trek alone and I can’t have you two playing footsie with each other in a Toyota Corolla. It’s a long trip and I don’t think my car can stay stable with 160 pounds of rolling bulldog in the backseat.

Doodlebug:  I’ll go!

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Me:  Yes, I know you will.

Stella:  Have fun!

Me:  Okay, boy, jump on in.

Doodlebug:  What will happen if I do?

Me:  I will start the car and we will go to the vet’s office.

Doodlebug:  You go first. It doesn’t look safe.

Me:  Oh, Doodle, Okay, follow me in.

Doodlebug: Now what?

Me:  You sit here while I get in the driver’s seat.

Doodlebug:  I’ll do that driving thing.

Me:  Mmmm, no, you won’t. Now, just settle down. We’re on our way.

Doodlebug:  This is more boring than I thought it would be. Things are whizzing by. Wait. Why are we stopped?  Are we there yet?

Me:  Nope. There’s an accident up ahead.

Doodlebug:  Why?

Me:  Hard for me to say. Something went wrong.

Doodlebug:  How can that be? Humans know everything.

Me:  Nope.

Doodlebug:  The human in that tall rolling box is looking down at me and smiling. Am I that funny looking?

Me:  No, he just enjoys seeing a good-looking bulldog while he’s stuck in a traffic jam.

Doodlebug:  Do I look better in a traffic jam? Are we there yet?

Me:  It’ll take a while, but we’re rolling again. And when we do get there, people may look funny to you. A bunch of them may be wearing masks. We will probably have to meet them in the parking lot. Don’t be scared.

Doodlebug:  I won’t be afraid, Lady Human. Humans at vet offices always look weird. I’m used to it.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Salon Is Open – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. RUN!

Wiggles:  Run? Where? There’s no place to run!

Tiger:  What is going on?

Stella:  Lady Human! She has them in her hand. She is trying to hide them. But I can see better than she can hide. RUN!

Doodlebug:  The nail snippers! RUN!

Miss Sweetie:  I will not run. I will dig little holes and hide my toes in the dirt. No snipping toesies in the dirt. Yay, me!

Me:  Hey, Sweetie, how about a dip in the puppy pool?

Tiger:  Sweetie, beware!

Stella:  Lady Human, what kind of scheme is this?

Me:  Scheme?

Stella: To sneak up on us when we are enjoying something we enjoy and snip our toenails.

Me:  Look, I want your nails to look nice. And for you not to gouge yourselves with them. I just cut my own nails for the same reason.

Stella:  We are standing together against this intrusion on our personal space. Set the clippers down, Lady Human, and step away from them. SLOWLY. Keep your hands where we can see them.

Me:  The humans would love for the salons all to be open now. To get their nails trimmed and polished so that they shine.

Stella:  More proof. Humans are weird.

Me:  People pay a lot of money to have their nails done.

Wiggles:  People pay? With that money stuff that they could use to buy treats? The world of humans is a crazy place.

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, skip that trimming thing. Can you polish my nails and make them shine? A handsome dog deserves handsome shiny nails and I am a handsome fella.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Go To Meetin’ Time – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:  Okay, once it starts, I need to concentrate so you have to settle down.

Stella:  Thank you for inviting me to attend church with you again. Why haven’t we been doing this all along?

Me:  Before the social distancing order, that wasn’t really possible. You’re not a service dog or emotional support animal, so you had to stay home.

Stella:  That’s not fair.

Me:  Imagine if everyone brought an animal to church.

 

Stella:  Church would be COOL! That would be great, unless…no cats, right? They would not allow cats, would they?

Me:  That would not be fair to the cats and their people, would it?

Stella:  Who cares?

Me:  Yep, church may have a positive effect on your general attitude after all.

Stella:  Why? Are there treats?

Me:  Sometimes, but not today. I mean, we’re not there, are we? We are here, watching and listening on a screen.

Stella:  Awww. Of all times to go to meetin’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Songs of My People – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Woo-woo-woah-woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-wah-wooah-woo-hooah-oh-woo-hoo-ah…

Me:  Stella! What the freak is going on?

Stella:  I am singing. These are the songs of my people.

Me:  Your people sing high-pitched, screechy songs?

Stella:  Yes, just the same as the songs you sing.

Me:  Please tone it down.

Stella:  Then I would not be singing our special songs. I would be singing boring, dull, crummy songs, and what’s the point in that?

Me:  The point is they would not hurt my ears. The point is that this is settle down time. Do you know what the old cowboys used to do when they wanted to calm the cattle down for the night?

Stella:  Yes, they would have their bulldogs sing them cowboy songs.

Me:  No. bulldog songs would have stampeded the herd.

Stella:  Mmmm, stampede. I like the sound of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Hen Party – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Too much talk.

Me:  I’m not saying anything.

Stella:  I mean those feathery things strutting around as though they are bulldogs.

Me:  Chickens cackle. What can I say?

Stella:  Well, hopefully not what they are saying?

Me:  You understand them?

Stella:  Not all of their silly chicken talk but look at their faces. How dare you, Skinny Head! My head does not look like a huge, ugly rock and my mouth is not the size of a canyon. Lady Human, what is a canyon?

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Me:  Hard to explain. I’ll have to show you one sometime.

Stella:  Hey, silly chicken, birds with pointy faces have no ground on which to insult bulldogs.

Skinny Head:  Squawk!

Stella:  How dare you!

Me:  What this time?

Stella:  I am loathe to repeat it. Chickens should never be quoted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

What Day is Today? – Conversations with Stella

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I am… oh, yeah…Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  I feel tired.

Stella:  I do, too.

Me:  I don’t have a right to.

Stella:  I always have a right to.

Me:  How many hours did you sleep today?

Stella:  What’s an hour?

Me:  I don’t remember.

Stella:  What day is today?

Me:  Let me think about that.

Stella:  Don’t think for too long. If you do, It’ll be tomorrow and we still won’t know what day it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Cat Weird – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is annoying.

Tiger:  She is talking all the time and I still cannot understand what she is saying.

Wiggles:  Did you see how she draped herself over your big plastic junk box, Lady Human? What was that about? Was she imitating a blanket? ‘Cause if she was, it was a bad imitation ‘cause she was a lumpy blanket.

Doodlebug:  And she’s been hanging out around the kitchen sink. I know because I chased her up there the other day. Who hangs out at a kitchen sink?

Miss Sweetie:  Is the kitchen sink full of meat?

Me:  Nope.

Miss Sweetie:  Oh. Never mind then.

Stella:  The cat is weird.

Me:  A bulldog is calling another creature ‘weird’?

Stella:  Lady Human, you know good and well that there is a difference. This is cat weird which means true weirdness. Bulldogs rule…except in the category of weirdness. That prize goes to cats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Like A Big, Fat Pillow – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t move, Lady Human. Stay right there, just like that.

Me:  I’ve got to GO.

Stella:  Go where?

Me:  You know. GO.

Stella:  To the tiny room?

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  I must say that this is very inconvenient. I just got comfortable.

Me:  For the tenth time. Get re-comfortable when I get back.

Stella:  Hurry. You are like a big, fat pillow and not one of those you bring home from those places you call stores.

Me:  My pillows are pretty cool, and I choose them with care.

Stella:  But you are a better pillow. You are squishy, you are warm, and sometimes you even smell good.

Me:  Well, I’m glad. I try to…

Stella:  No, not when you use that flowery, stinky spray and candle stuff. Pee-yew! When you’ve been hanging out with me, that’s when you smell good. Keep it up, prop-up pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Making Your Bed – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  I know.

Stella:  Get up, Lady Human.

Me:  I am.

Stella:  Good. I have to make my bed.

Me:  You don’t need for me to get up to make your own bed. And, by the way, you’ve been doing a good job of that lately. Very neat and orderly. All your blankets spread evenly.

Stella:  Thank you. Move along.

Me:  I’ll be back in a minute.

Stella:  No hurry. Scrunch. Scrunch. Kick. Kick. Scrunch.

Me:  Oh, I forgot…what’s going on? What is this?

Stella:  It’s my bed. I made it up.

Me:  That’s my bed you’ve made up.

Stella:  You don’t have to thank me. I made sure it will be ready for tonight.

Me:  No, not with my blanket piled in the middle. That’s where I sleep.

Stella:  We all need to be flexible, Lady Human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Purple Rain – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s wrong with Doodle?

Me:  Oh, he’s been scratching a spot on his neck.

Doodlebug:  Itchy! Itchy! Itchy!

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Me:  Hold still while I spray this on it.

Doodlebug:  Itchy! Itchy!

Me:  Help me help you, boy!

Doodlebug:  Oh, all right. Spray your nasty stuff.

Stella:  It will feel better even if it is an awful shade of purple.

Me:  This works fast. Here goes.

Doodlebug:  Eewww! Noooo!

Me:  No. Let it dry for a minute. You are slinging it everywhere!

Stella:   Look at all those ugly purple spots on the floor. Just like rain drops.

Doodlebug:  Uh. That’s better. Nap time.

Me:  Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up.

Stella:  Oh, I’m not worried about that in the least. Go right ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Window Sitting – Conversations with Stella and MoonCat

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is acting weird.

Me:  Everyone seems to be acting weird. Don’t you think all cats are weird? So is she really acting any weirder than usual?

Stella:  Hmmm. The answer is YES! She has been sitting for hours, staring out that window by the loud sloshy machine thing.

Me:  Well, it had been sealed up for years until Tall Man opened it up last week. Now there is light, and she can see the world outside – without having to deal with you bulldogs. And it is up high. She likes heights. Don’t you, MoonCat?

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MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Typical. Well, what does she see that is so fascinating?

MoonCat:  Meow.

Stella:  Lady Human, translation, please.

Me:  It’s different. There is not much to see out that way. Grass. A few plants. A fence. It is a novelty for now and the sunlight does come through, but not enough to get hot.

Stella:  So, when is it my turn?

Me:  Sorry to tell you, girl, but your wide load won’t fit on that narrow space. It was not made for bulldogs.

Stella:  Typical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Delicate Sport of Fly Snapping – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles: Whap! Aagghh! Missed another one!

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Stella:  Score – Flies 3, Wiggles 0.

Me:  They are thick today, aren’t they?

Wiggles:  Watch me. Wait for it. Wait for it. Snap, snap!

Me:  That was great! You’re fast!

Wiggles:  It’s all in the jaws. I am a natural.

Me:  Stella, I don’t ever see you playing this game.

Stella:  That’s because of my fine, delicate features. I am simply not made for such a violent sport.

Wiggles:  Snap! Snap! Snap! I am. Try it, Lady Human. You’ve got a big mouth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Why Are You Staring? – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what are you staring at?

Me:  Oh, the sky, the trees, the birds flying over…

Stella:  Keep your mouth shut. It’s safer when the birds are flying overhead.

Me:  Oh, yeah. Good advice.

Stella:  Why are you staring?

Me:  Sometimes you have to look at bigger things, things that don’t change even when they do.

Stella:  Lady Human, I think you have been staring too long. Stare at me.

Me:  Okay.

Stella:  Isn’t that better?

Me:  Now that you mention it…

Stella: I knew I was better looking than a bird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Treat Money – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Come play, Lady Human!

Me:  Can’t right now, girl.

Stella:  Are you playing with someone else on your typing box?

Me:  Not playing, but doing stuff, yes.

Stella:  Looks boring.

Me:  It is.

Stella:  Is this that tense thing you do when the weather turns warm?

Me:  Taxes? Yeah.

Stella:  If you don’t like doing taxes, as you call them, why do you do them?

Me:  Kind of a requirement. Maybe we’ll get some money back this year and yes! We’re getting something back! Yay!

Stella:  Yay! We’re getting money back! We’re getting money back! I’m excited now! What does money back mean?

Me:  Money means treats. Treats for you all. Maybe even a treat for me.

Stella:  Treats! That is wonderful, Lady Human! You should do taxes more often!

Me:  Mmmm. Nope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill  All Rights Reserved.

The Humans Are Hiding Their Faces – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans wear strange things on their heads, but what Lady Human is wearing on her face is disturbing. We cannot see her nose or mouth. The sides of her face are covered.

Wiggles:  Is she smiling or snarling? I can’t tell.

Tiger:  Scary!

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, does that keep you from talking?

Me:  The mask? No, I can talk right through it.

Stella:  Oh, too bad.

Miss Sweetie:  Lady Human, are you ashamed of your face? Because you look really good in that covering.

Me:  I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not.

Stella:  Not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.