Month: May 2020

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, is everything all right?

Me:  Yes, strangely, I believe it will be.

Stella:  I think things are too quiet. Humans are hardly ever this quiet.

Me:  True. There are loud places. But there are also quiet places.

Stella:  Like when you got quiet this morning and looked at the floor.

Me:  That was head bowing. I wasn’t really studying the floor.

Stella:  I thought not. It is hard to see anything when your eyes are closed. I can’t see anything when my eyes are closed. I figure humans are the same way.

Me:  Yeah, and sometimes we can’t see anything when our eyes are wide open either. But we keep looking.

Stella:  Tell me what we are looking for. I can help. Though my nose is better than my eyes. Maybe you should try opening your nose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Mornings are so nice here. I stay in Lady Human’s bed until late in the morning. It is calm and quiet and peaceful and… Hey, stop it! What are you doing? Let go of my paw! Help!

Me:  Oh, Stella. It’s just my clumsy attempt to clip your nails while you are calm and laid back.

Stella:  Stay away!

Me:  Wow, Stella, that was quite a flip. Careful you don’t slip off…

Stella:  Nobody touches the feet!

Me:  You are really fast! Calm down! Stop flipping around.

Stella:  Calm down? You invaded my safe space with your wicked, sneaky toe snippers!

Me:  Toenail clippers, to be precise. They don’t snip your toes.

Stella:  Tell that to my frightened tootsies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, I have a complaint to lodge.

Me:  And that would make this day different how?

Stella:  This complaint is about MY bed, MY special bed, MY bed that Tall Man gave to Wiggles and now Wiggles is sleeping on MY blanket with MY toys and MY cute little water bowl.  Why did he do such an awful thing?

Me:  While he was laying the new floor, he had to move all your crates and bedding and he just happened to give yours to Wiggles while you were out of the room.

Wiggles:  Stella has a nice bed. I like it.

Me:  Yeah, I saw you both crammed in there.

Stella:  It’s mine! No squatter’s rights for Wiggles!

Me:  We’ll get it sorted out when the floor is finished.

Stella:  No! No! No! Now! Now! Now!

Me:  And then we can get you settled back in your regular beds with some new toys and…

Wiggles:  I’m in.

Stella:   Well, okay. But wash my blanket first. I don’t want that Wiggles smell all over it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Make it stop!

Me:  The noise?

Stella: What else?

Me:  It is a power tool that Tall Man uses to cut the boards for the new floor.

Stella:  We already have a floor. It’s the one we track mud on all the time.

Me:  And it is old. And we can’t fix parts of it. So it must be replaced.

Stella:  Why can’t humans replace things silently?

Me:  It’s just not in our nature to be quiet all the time. Bulldogs should understand that. And power tools make these jobs easier and faster.

Stella:  Are you telling me this because the freaky noise will never stop?

Me:  No, the freaky noise will stop when the job is done.

Stella:  I declare the job done.

Me:  Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

Stella:  Lady Human?

Me:  Yes?

Stella:  Never call bulldogs loud again. You clearly have us beat.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.  Lady Human, watch out! Wiggles is headed your way!

Me:  Stay back, girl! No dog noses allowed in the refrigerator.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  Yeah, I have three. The chickens are not laying a lot right now.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  I am going to make an omelet with cream cheese and dill.

Wiggles:  Eggs.

Me:  Yes, and eggs because that is the main thing about an omelet.

Wiggles:  My eggs.

Me:  Well, these three are mine. You’ll get some later.

Wiggles:  My eggs now.

Stella:  Didn’t you tell us to share, Lady Human?

Me:  Yes, but has that ever happened?

Stella:  No, but we enjoy watching you follow your own rules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

:

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I object strenuously to whatever it is that has happened here.

Tiger:  The wall is so blank.

Wiggles:  I think we should demand that things return to the way they were.

Doodlebug:  We should have been given a vote. We would have chosen for the room to stay the same.

Miss Sweetie:  Something is wrong. Something is different.

Stella:  Sweetie! Really? Something? The piano is gone! The shadows on the wall are bizarre. The whole world has turned weird.

Me:  What is going on in here? It is past settle down time!

Tiger:  Uh-oh, she has her tense voice turned on.

Doodlebug:  Should we tell her about the piano?

Me:  Is this about the piano going away?

Stella:  Yes.

Me:  You all saw it wheeled out of here.

Stella:  We thought it would come back.

Me:  The piano is not coming back. It has a new home.

Tiger:  I don’t like that empty wall. And MoonCat is sad. It was her favorite tall place.

MoonCat:  Meow. Awwww.

Me:  I’ll find a cat tower for her. Meanwhile, she has at least six other tall places, so…

Stella:  We hate change. From now on, Lady Human, when you are going to rock our world, tell us first. That includes piano removals, furniture rearrangement, and, most of all, boots left in the middle of a room. That should never happen!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Someone has made a boom-boom in the house and, let me be clear, it was not me!

Wiggles:  Maybe it was a poo-poo, not a boom-boom.

Doodlebug:  Maybe it is only stinky air from someone in this room. Lady Human?

Me:  That’s right. Point the accusing paw at me. I don’t see anything, but there is definitely something smelly in here.

Tiger:  Sweetie! It has to be Sweetie! She’s the smelliest bulldog here and you know how she turns her water bowl into a toilet.

Miss Sweetie:  Not fair! I try not to make stinkies in the house. My water bowl hides the stink. So there!

Me:  No, the smell is not strong by Sweetie’s bed. It is stronger over here by you, Tiger. Tiger?

Tiger:  Awww.

Me:  Tiger?

Tiger:  Awww. I’m sorry, ma’am. It was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep, and I couldn’t wait…

Me:  But where is it?

‘Tiger:  I hid it. In my blankets.

Me:  Oh. You wrapped it up. That’s pretty talented.

Tiger:  Really? I tried to be thorough.

Me:  Let me get this cleaned up. Oh, it was a boom-boom.

Tiger:  Yeah, even two blankets could not hide it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Doodlebug:  And stretch…and stretch back.

Me:  Cool!

Stella:  What is so cool? He is putting his paw on the wall and bending down. And now he is putting the other paw on the wall and bending down. And now he is reaching back with his hind legs and leaning forward. And that is pretty cool. How do you do that, Doodle?

Doodlebug:  I stretch my long, long legs. They make me faster and handsomer than anybody else.

Me:  You do have a sleek, flexible body for a bulldog.

Stella:  Hey! Rude! I have a sleek, flexible bulldog body.

Me:  Sleek, flexible bulldog? Is that a thing?

Doodlebug:  Only when you’re talking about me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Wiggles:  Don’t worry anybody! I’ll get it. No snake enters my house unchallenged!

Stella:  Everybody stay back! Everybody means you, too, Wiggles!

Wiggles:  I’ll get it, Tall Man! It won’t bite you!

Tall Man:  No, but it might bite you and in a way you won’t expect. Back off, Wiggles!

Me:  Wiggles! Wiggles! That is not a snake! It is the electric cord to the vacuum cleaner!

Wiggles:  Don’t block me, Lady Human!

Me:  Yes, I will! That is a power cord and it is plugged in. We’ve talked about this, Wiggles! Power – electricity – fire in a rope! Don’t ever bite one! You don’t want to ride the lightning!

Wiggles:  Lightning! Like the fire in the sky?

Me:  Yes, but a little more controlled.

Wiggles:  Why did you let lightning in the house? You get upset when we let in a couple of flies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Miss Sweetie, Princess of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:  That’s a new idea.

Miss Sweetie:  Is it all right for a princess to be scared? Because those humans with masks scare me.

Me:  I see quite a few humans not wearing masks and that kind of scares me.

Miss Sweetie:  Why do the dogs not wear masks?

Me:  There is not much chance of dogs catching the virus and no evidence that dogs can pass it to humans. If I put a mask on you, would you wear it?

Miss Sweetie:  No! Yuck!

Me:  So not an issue, is it? Well, I can’t get through to the vet office. Let’s go to the door and check in there.

Miss Sweetie:  If you insist.

Me:  Can I check in here? Okay, we’ll come in.

Miss Sweetie:  What’s behind that door? Who are those people? Why is that dog here?

Me:  Looks like she’s here to have her babies. Let’s go back outside. We can wait on a bench. They are keeping the number of people below 10 in here. It will be cooler outside anyway.

Miss Sweetie:  This isn’t nearly as fun as I thought it would be. How much longer?

Me:  Until the vet tech comes out with your…stuff…

Miss Sweetie:  Stuff. Like treats? It is cool out here. I like the vet.

Me:  Uh-huh. Okay.

Miss Sweetie:  Look! The mama dog! She looks sleepy. What is in that box?

Me:  Her babies. How many are there? Five. Good.

Miss Sweetie:  What did the human lady say? Five? What does that mean?

Me:  The little Boston Terrier had one…two…three…four…five babies.

Miss Sweetie:  Five babies! Scary!

Me:  Oh, here we go now.

Miss Sweetie:  Who is this masked person?

Me:  Just sit down and stay calm.

Miss Sweetie:  Why should I be…ouch!  She pinched me!  I don’t care if she is smiling behind that mask. Pinching is rude…ouch! She did it again!

Me:  Okay. We can start for home now.

Miss Sweetie:  You mean we came all this way just for her to pinch me twice? We could have stayed home and you could have done that.

Me:  Those pinches were your vaccines. And no, we couldn’t do that at home, not the rabies vaccine anyway.

Miss Sweetie:  You know what I think. Worst vacation ever. One more question about home? Are we there yet?

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the…

Miss Sweetie:  My turn! I get to go! Woo-hoo! Out of my way.

Me:  Wait! You need your harness.

Miss Sweetie:  I love the rolling box.

Me:  Okay. Don’t stick your head between the seats. Sit back. Relax.

Miss Sweetie:  Ooooo! Ooooo! What’s that?

Me:  It’s an office building.

Miss Sweetie:  I want to live there!

Me:  People don’t live there. They work there. Well, sometimes. Not now.

Miss Sweetie:  Look, a human! Is that the vet?

Me:  No, this is going to be a long ride.

Miss Sweetie:  Where did the humans go?

Me:  There aren’t many people out this way. Relax.

Miss Sweetie:  Trees. Grass. Fences. BORING! Can I jump on the seat?

Me:  No. Don’t distract the driver.

Miss Sweetie:  Driver? Who is that?

Me:  Try a nap.

Miss Sweetie:  I can’t sleep. It’s too…brrroom…brroooom…

Me:  Sweet dreams, girl…

Miss Sweetie:  Are we there yet?

Me:  As a matter of fact,…

Miss Sweetie:  Oh, no, don’t stop, Lady Human. There be monsters here.

Me:  Those are just people wearing masks. Like this.

Miss Sweetie:  NOOO! Half your face is gone!

Me:  Nope, see. I can take it off. You’ve seen this before.

Miss Sweetie:  No! Put it back on!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

Me:  No, Doodle, no. Does it look like we are there?

Doodlebug:  I don’t know what it looks like so how would I know if we were there. Are we there yet?

Me:  Being there would involve slowing down and stopping.

Doodlebug:  Wake me when we are there.

Me:  Okay. We are here. Boy, the parking lot is full. I’ll call in and let them know we are here.

Doodlebug: Can we go home now? I don’t like this place. Why are you putting that cloth over your face? Is it cold outside? I don’t feel cold.

Me:  The mask is just a thing we do for now. Don’t be afraid. Let’s get out and stand by the car.

Doodlebug:  Who is that human coming toward us? She has a face covering, too. Is this a game you play?

Me:  I wish it were.

Doodlebug:  What is she doing? Why is she touching me? Ouch! I didn’t like that. This is why I don’t like this place. Ouch! It happened again.

Me:  Now we can go home.

Doodlebug: Finally.

Me:  Without a traffic jam, it will be quicker getting home than it was getting here. And we’re on our way.

Doodlebug:  Are we there yet?

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. You can leave me out of this one, Lady Human. I am not going to the vet.

Me:  No, it’s not your turn. Doodlebug is going and then Miss Sweetie will go tomorrow.

Miss Sweetie:  I want to go today, too.

Me:  Nope. I’m doing this trek alone and I can’t have you two playing footsie with each other in a Toyota Corolla. It’s a long trip and I don’t think my car can stay stable with 160 pounds of rolling bulldog in the backseat.

Doodlebug:  I’ll go!

Me:  Yes, I know you will.

Stella:  Have fun!

Me:  Okay, boy, jump on in.

Doodlebug:  What will happen if I do?

Me:  I will start the car and we will go to the vet’s office.

Doodlebug:  You go first. It doesn’t look safe.

Me:  Oh, Doodle, Okay, follow me in.

Doodlebug: Now what?

Me:  You sit here while I get in the driver’s seat.

Doodlebug:  I’ll do that driving thing.

Me:  Mmmm, no, you won’t. Now, just settle down. We’re on our way.

Doodlebug:  This is more boring than I thought it would be. Things are whizzing by. Wait. Why are we stopped?  Are we there yet?

Me:  Nope. There’s an accident up ahead.

Doodlebug:  Why?

Me:  Hard for me to say. Something went wrong.

Doodlebug:  How can that be? Humans know everything.

Me:  Nope.

Doodlebug:  The human in that tall rolling box is looking down at me and smiling. Am I that funny looking?

Me:  No, he just enjoys seeing a good-looking bulldog while he’s stuck in a traffic jam.

Doodlebug:  Do I look better in a traffic jam? Are we there yet?

Me:  It’ll take a while, but we’re rolling again. And when we do get there, people may look funny to you. A bunch of them may be wearing masks. We will probably have to meet them in the parking lot. Don’t be scared.

Doodlebug:  I won’t be afraid, Lady Human. Humans at vet offices always look weird. I’m used to it.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. RUN!

Wiggles:  Run? Where? There’s no place to run!

Tiger:  What is going on?

Stella:  Lady Human! She has them in her hand. She is trying to hide them. But I can see better than she can hide. RUN!

Doodlebug:  The nail snippers! RUN!

Miss Sweetie:  I will not run. I will dig little holes and hide my toes in the dirt. No snipping toesies in the dirt. Yay, me!

Me:  Hey, Sweetie, how about a dip in the puppy pool?

Tiger:  Sweetie, beware!

Stella:  Lady Human, what kind of scheme is this?

Me:  Scheme?

Stella: To sneak up on us when we are enjoying something we enjoy and snip our toenails.

Me:  Look, I want your nails to look nice. And for you not to gouge yourselves with them. I just cut my own nails for the same reason.

Stella:  We are standing together against this intrusion on our personal space. Set the clippers down, Lady Human, and step away from them. SLOWLY. Keep your hands where we can see them.

Me:  The humans would love for the salons all to be open now. To get their nails trimmed and polished so that they shine.

Stella:  More proof. Humans are weird.

Me:  People pay a lot of money to have their nails done.

Wiggles:  People pay? With that money stuff that they could use to buy treats? The world of humans is a crazy place.

Doodlebug:  Lady Human, skip that trimming thing. Can you polish my nails and make them shine? A handsome dog deserves handsome shiny nails and I am a handsome fella.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:  Okay, once it starts, I need to concentrate so you have to settle down.

Stella:  Thank you for inviting me to attend church with you again. Why haven’t we been doing this all along?

Me:  Before the social distancing order, that wasn’t really possible. You’re not a service dog or emotional support animal, so you had to stay home.

Stella:  That’s not fair.

Me:  Imagine if everyone brought an animal to church.

 

Stella:  Church would be COOL! That would be great, unless…no cats, right? They would not allow cats, would they?

Me:  That would not be fair to the cats and their people, would it?

Stella:  Who cares?

Me:  Yep, church may have a positive effect on your general attitude after all.

Stella:  Why? Are there treats?

Me:  Sometimes, but not today. I mean, we’re not there, are we? We are here, watching and listening on a screen.

Stella:  Awww. Of all times to go to meetin’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Woo-woo-woah-woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-wah-wooah-woo-hooah-oh-woo-hoo-ah…

Me:  Stella! What the freak is going on?

Stella:  I am singing. These are the songs of my people.

Me:  Your people sing high-pitched, screechy songs?

Stella:  Yes, just the same as the songs you sing.

Me:  Please tone it down.

Stella:  Then I would not be singing our special songs. I would be singing boring, dull, crummy songs, and what’s the point in that?

Me:  The point is they would not hurt my ears. The point is that this is settle down time. Do you know what the old cowboys used to do when they wanted to calm the cattle down for the night?

Stella:  Yes, they would have their bulldogs sing them cowboy songs.

Me:  No. bulldog songs would have stampeded the herd.

Stella:  Mmmm, stampede. I like the sound of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Too much talk.

Me:  I’m not saying anything.

Stella:  I mean those feathery things strutting around as though they are bulldogs.

Me:  Chickens cackle. What can I say?

Stella:  Well, hopefully not what they are saying?

Me:  You understand them?

Stella:  Not all of their silly chicken talk but look at their faces. How dare you, Skinny Head! My head does not look like a huge, ugly rock and my mouth is not the size of a canyon. Lady Human, what is a canyon?

Me:  Hard to explain. I’ll have to show you one sometime.

Stella:  Hey, silly chicken, birds with pointy faces have no ground on which to insult bulldogs.

Skinny Head:  Squawk!

Stella:  How dare you!

Me:  What this time?

Stella:  I am loathe to repeat it. Chickens should never be quoted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.