I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…
Me: Stella?
Stella: Rumble…grumble…rum…rum…wow. WOW! WOW! WOW!
Me: It’s okay. It’s okay.
Stella: What? What happened?
Me: You were talking in your sleep. You must have been having a dream. You were moving your paws and wiggling and bulldog grumbling.
Stella: I don’t remember. What was I saying?
Me: Nothing I could decipher.
Stella: Well, that’s no help. How will I know what I was dreaming? It sounded like fun.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: What in the world has happened here?
Stella: To what do you refer, Lady Human?
Me: What have you done to my bed?
Stella: Don’t you mean our bed?
Me: Not really. My mattress pad is all bunched up. And my pillows are in disarray. And your sleeping on top of the whole mess.
Stella: And a very comfortable mess it is, too.
Me: I was only gone for a few minutes. What were you thinking?
Stella: Well, you left, and I figured that you didn’t want the bed anymore, so I made it up the way I like it.
Me: Oh, yeah? Well, watch while I remake it the way I like it.
Stella: Share the bed, she said. You will like it, she said. What is the human definition of ‘share’? Not the same as a bulldog’s, that’s for sure.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Something horrible just happened outside and it is not a bulldog’s fault!
Me: Glad to hear that.
Stella: I am not! It was a human noise, a really bad one. When are you going to get these humans under control?
Me: News flash. Not going to happen.
Stella: You heard? What happened out there?
Me: Yeah, I heard. Everyone for miles around may have heard. Someone with more money than sense gunned a car engine.
Stella: Gunned?
Me: Revved the engine up real high. Gave it a lot of gas. Then they sped off down the road.
Stella: But why would they do that to a rolling box? Are they in a hurry? Do they have to get to the vet’s office?
Me: Nope. Any reason they have is not good enough to gun an engine and roar away.
Stella: Humans don’t seem to have good reasons for doing most of what they do. Not to be insulting, Lady Human.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A long time ago, we had a hailstorm here. And a long, long time ago, we had a big snowstorm here. And another long time ago, we had a thunderstorm here. Lady Human kindly taught me all these special words for weird weather.
Me: Okay, we had a hailstorm 3 nights ago, a big snowstorm a little over a month ago, and a thunderstorm last night.
Stella: That’s what I said.
Me: Not really. Your concept of time is still a little skewed.
Stella: Explain ‘time’.
Me: Well…time is…well, we measure time by the sun and… well…we use clocks and calendars to…
Stella: Enough human confusion, Lady Human, thank you. What you meant to say was that a long time ago, we had a hailstorm here. And a long, long time ago, we had a big snowstorm here. And another long time ago, we had a thunderstorm here. And it all happened yesterday. The End.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This meeting is hereby called to order. Lady Human, explain yourself!
Me: Oh, great! What now?
Stella: You know good and well what now!
Wiggles: I will tell her. All that noise last night.
Doodlebug: Yeah, how is a fella supposed to sleep?
Miss Sweetie: Yeah, somebody was throwing rocks at the door and the windows. Loud, ugly sounds!
Me: That was a hailstorm. Hail was hitting the house.
Stella: A likely story. Then where is that so-called hail now, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Me: Hail is ice and it melted pretty quickly.
Miss Sweetie: But it was scary! Why did the humans do that?
Me: Humans did not do that.
Stella: Another likely story. Humans take credit for everything else, but when ice chunks hit the house, oh, no, you didn’t have anything to do with that. Who is in charge around here?
Me: Well, certainly not me.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The young human came in the house. I hear her. Where is she?
Me: She’s playing in her room.
Stella: I want to play in her room.
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Stella: She has toys in there, doesn’t she?
Me: Oh, yeah.
(A distant voice): YEE-HAH!
Stella: Oh, there’s that human call! It means she is having a good time!
Me: Yeah, she started that early.
Stella: Everyone should have a happy howl. You taught her well, Lady Human.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hop. Hop. Hop. Try to outdo that.
Wiggles: That’s nothing. Watch this move. Look at my ears. Have you ever seen such perfect form?
Stella: I saw that on some floppy-eared puppies once.
Wiggles: How dare you!
Me: Girls! What’s going on?
Wiggles: Bulldog business.
Stella: Nothing that concerns humans.
Me: I beg to differ. When you two start that posing, I can feel the tension in the air between you. Like two prima donnas vying for position.
Stella: Prima donnas? What are they? Another variety of bulldog?
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And nobody…do you hear that, Lady Human? NOBODY touches the toes!
Me: I’ve heard that before. I don’t care. Eventually, toenails need to be trimmed. Especially when someone lounges around all day.
Stella: And who would that be? Hmmm? Lady Human? Lounging around all day?
Me: Hey, my nails are all trimmed.
Miss Sweetie: You can trim my nails, ma’am.
Me: Really?
Miss Sweetie: Here. Here’s my front right paw.
Me: Okaaayyy…Is this a trick?
Miss Sweetie: Nope.
Me: All right. Hey, that was easy.
Miss Sweetie: You sound surprised.
Me: I am. I am waiting for the other shoe…uh, paw to fall.
Miss Sweetie: Go ahead. Trim the others.
Me: Very well…Done.
Stella: Not fair. Sweetie is making me look bad.
Me: She is just being cooperative. You could cooperate.
Stella: That goes against everything I stand for. And as for you, Sweetie, cooperation? Not very bulldoggy!
Miss Sweetie: It’s not that bad, Aunt Stella.
Stella: Forget it! Nobody touches the toes!
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, there’s a man at the door with food. There is a man with food and he is at the door. Food! Man! Door!
Me: I know. I know. I am taking care of it.
Doodlebug: I know how to take care of it.
Miss Sweetie: Don’t let him escape with the food, Lady Human.
Me: He is not leaving with the food. He is delivering it. I understand your confusion. We haven’t done this before.
Wiggles: Food. At the door. Let the food in.
Me: Hold your horses. These are just regular groceries.
Stella: Well, why is that? What about us?
Me: You already have your food.
Stella: Don’t be selfish, Lady Human. We want your food, too.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no. Not that time of year again.
Wiggles: Turn it off! My ears are sensitive!
Me: Sorry. Has to be.
Miss Sweetie: Oh, boy! The grass zipper! Can I chase it? Please!!!
Doodlebug: I can catch it!
Me: Nope! It might pop you in the face. Or legs. Or some other sensitive place. Y’all stay over there. I’ll be finished in a little bit.
Stella: Good!
Wiggles: Great!
Miss Sweetie: Awwww!
Doodlebug: Lady Human, how come you get all the fun?
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Eewww, Sweetie, what are you doing with your tongue?
Miss Sweetie: Looking. Searching. Finding.
Me: There’s nothing but dog hair over in that spot.
Miss Sweetie: Num num num. Crumbs.
Stella: Yuck.
Me: You just ate, girl.
Miss Sweetie: Never let a crumb go to waste.
Me: You can smell crumbs there? I don’t see anything.
Miss Sweetie: The nose knows.
Me: Maybe I should sweep up…
Miss Sweetie: NO! Besides, the floor’s all clean now. I saved you a chore, Lady Human.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Coming through!
Wiggles: Hello, Lady Human. Coming through!
Me: Okay, if y’all can just not brush into my pants…
Miss Sweetie: But we love you, Lady Human.
Doodlebug: Let me smell your knees. Interesting. Where have you been?
Me: No place you would like and if I am smeared with slobber, I’m not likely going anyplace else until I wash these clothes.
Stella: We just want to be close to you.
Miss Sweetie: Yeah, we can’t help our giant, juicy mouths. Oh, look. I just made another slobber spot on your leg coverings.
Me: Thank you all for backing up a little.
Stella: If we don’t slime you, what will we do with all this drool in our mouths? What a waste!
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am asleep. Leave me alone.
Me: Wiggles wants to go out.
Stella: Do that without me then.
Me: Come on, Wiggles. What seems to be the problem?
Wiggles: I am all right. I will just sit outside for a while.
Me: Well, I will sit out here with you. What are you doing?
Wiggles: Where is it?
Me: What?
Wiggles: The shiny night light in the sky.
Me: The moon? It isn’t up yet. And besides, it’s just a sliver to us this time of month. Is that why you’ve been insisting on coming out here this time of night lately?
Wiggles: I have to check on it. It has a schedule to keep and I am a guard dog.
Me: You are that, but the moon keeps time without us.
Wiggles: I think it is late. Maybe that snow froze it. Maybe a coyote ate it. Maybe…
Me: Maybe we should go back inside and get some sleep.
Wiggles: If you say so. Can we look for it again?
Me: Yeah. But not tonight.
Wiggles: Don’t worry. I will wake you up when it’s time.
Me: I have not doubt.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I know when it is best to stay out of the way and this is it.
Wiggles: Hey, my head was there.
Miss Sweetie: Mine, too. That was really funny.
Wiggles: You can call it funny when you bump into somebody else’s head. I was there first.
Me: You don’t both have to enter the door at the same time. You can spread out or take turns.
Miss Sweetie: My big ole head requires more space.
Me: I am not a physicist, but I believe I am correct when I say that two bulldog heads cannot occupy the same physical space at the same time.
Miss Sweetie: I say they can.
Me: Nope. That’s why you two played bumper heads at the door.
Stella: I’d just let them keep doing that, Lady Human. It might knock some sense into them.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Guess what today is?
Stella: Not that silly holiday again that has no cake to eat, I hope.
Me: No. This day celebrates something that happened six years ago.
Stella: Does it have something to do with me? Because if it doesn’t, I am not interested.
Me: Yes, it has to do with you. And it has to do with me. Six years ago today, you came to us.
Stella: Wow! What is a year?
Me: Hard to describe. Suffice it to say that you were the first bulldog I had ever seen in person. That the first thing you did when you got here was to poop on the floor. That Tall Man had to run out to get your food and a bed for you before the stores closed. That while I cleaned up after you, I said that was the only thing I was ever going to help. And suffice it to say that that was not true.
Stella: Was I such a surprise?
Me: Yes.
Stella: I remember the old place only a little. Things changed for me once I got here. At the old place, there were always puppies. And I was very tired. I just realized. I’m not tired anymore.
Me: All I can tell you is that you have made my heart bigger during these past six years. I needed someone to help me with that. I prayed for a dog I could help. And the LORD chose you.
Stella: Happy 6 Years, Lady Human! How about six more?
Me: Sure. At least. Why not?
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have something to say.
Me: You always do.
Wiggles: No, me first!
Me: Not everyone can be first.
Doodlebug: I can be. I am always first.
Me: When everyone is barking at the same time, that’s hard to prove.
Miss Sweetie: Listen to me! I am talking over here!
Stella: I think Lady Human wants us to talk less right now.
Me: Only say something if you have something important to say.
Stella: Barkworthy.
Me: Yeah, that’s it.
Stella: Too bad humans haven’t learned that lesson.
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The humans are waving flags. That means cake!
Wiggles: I want to wave a flag! Where is my flag, Lady Human?
Me: Sorry. No flags for bulldogs. They are too easily eaten.
Doodlebug: But there is cake, right?
Me: No. I didn’t get any.
Miss Sweetie: Why am I deprived of cake? What kind of human holiday would keep cake away from a precious bulldog like me?
Me: Well, to start with, this is Texas Independence Day and cake is not necessarily associated with it. And second, we are not a big cake family.
Miss Sweetie: That is all right, Lady Human. You can give us a small cake.
Stella: You mean you can wave flags, but we can’t, and we can’t even eat cake? What kind of a holiday is this?
Copyright 2021 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 