Blanket Hog – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once upon a time, it was hot. Now upon this time, it is cold.

Me:        I have noticed that a blanket hog has appeared in my room the last few nights.

Stella:    A hog? Who let a hog into the house? Nasty! Did you leave the door open, Lady Human?

Me:        No, and this hog looks a lot like someone who lives in the house already.

Stella:    Blanket hog…blanket hog…oh, I get it. It’s you! Hog of the blanket! That’s a great name for you.

Me:        Not me. You! You’re the blanket hog!

Stella:    What an ugly thing to say! Who wraps herself in the soft blanket every cool night and holds onto it?

Me:        You.

Stella:    Wrong. The answer is you!

Me:        And if I happen to get up in the night for anything, what do I find when I return to bed?

Stella:    Is this one of those guessing games? How many tries do I get?

Me:        I find Stella right in the middle of the bed, laying on my blanket. So, who’s the blanket hog?

Stella:    Let’s see. Your bed. Your blanket, so the answer is YOU.

Me:        And I have to roll you over just so I can get back in bed and grab enough of the blanket to cover myself.

Stella:    You admit that you are the blanket hog. Finally! I’m glad we got that cleared up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Summer, I Miss You! – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Summer is gone. I hated it while it was here, and it was here for so long. But now that it is gone, Summer, I miss you. Yes, you were too hot. Yes, you kept us inside where it was cooler. But now that you are not around, it is too cold. Why, Summer, why did you have to go away?

Me:        Seasons change, girl. Summer has its season. And then comes another season called Autumn.

Stella:    Not fair! That season did not show up this year.

Me:        True, and I missed Autumn. I enjoy sweater weather and all my sweaters were lonely in my closet all through the fall.

Stella:    Well, they won’t be lonely tonight!

Me:        No, they’ve been getting a real workout since yesterday.

Stella:    Why does summer go away?

Me:        Our Great Creator set it up that way. Earth circles the sun and rotates on its own axis.

Stella:    More human nonsense words.

Me:        It means that there is a season of warmth and growth.

Stella:    Spring?

Me:        Yes. And there is a season of more warmth and the maturing of crops.

Stella:    Or as we say in what the humans call ‘Texas’, hot, hot, hot, dry, dry, dry!

Me:        Yeah, most years. And then there is Autumn and the harvest, when the heat abates.

Stella:    We skipped that.

Me:        And now Winter approaches.

Stella:    What? This is not Winter?

Me:        No, it’s still officially Autumn. We have another month or so to official Winter.

Stella:    But you said that water left outside will freeze into ice tonight.

Me:        Yeah, it is supposed to get below freezing.

Stella:    Wait! What kind of a game is Autumn playing? All I wanted was a comfortable temperature for my bathroom time, which reminds me. When will the indoor bulldog bathroom be finished?

Me:        It has not been started yet. There is not going to be an indoor bulldog bathroom.

Stella:    Typical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Quiet Times of Synchronized Snoring – Conversation with Moon Cat

Me:        Hey, Moon! Do you hear that?

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Moon Cat:   Meow!

Me:        Shhhh! Not too loud. They’re all asleep, all at the same time.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Me:        And listen to the snoring. Stella, then Miss Sweetie, then Doodlebug, then Wiggles double time, then Tiger.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Me:        Perfect rhythmic breathing.

Moon Cat:   Meow!

Me:        Too bad we don’t understand each other.

Moon Cat:   But we do.

Me:        What?

Moon Cat:   Shhhh! These are the first peaceful moments I’ve had all day.

Me:        You understand me?

Moon Cat:   Of course. I am a cat in a house full of bulldogs. How do you think I have survived so well for so long?

Me:        So, when I say, ‘Run!’…

Moon Cat:   I run. I am not an idiot.

Me:        But you’ve never said anything before.

Moon Cat:   Yes, I have, and if you think about it, you understood me. Like when Snoopey left.

Me:        Oh, Moon. Snoopey died.

Moon Cat:   That’s just another way of saying that she left. I did not understand at first.

Me:        You kept climbing up on my chair, talking to me.

Moon Cat:   And you understood me.

Me:        You wanted to know where your best friend had gone and why she wasn’t here with you anymore.

Moon Cat:   And you explained it me as best you could. You thought I didn’t understand. But I did. I was not happy about it. I miss talking to Snoopey, but I don’t worry about her anymore. I miss her, but as you told me, where she is now, she will never be lonely, she will never be scared, she will never hurt, and she will never get old and weak. You see, I do understand.

Me:        And do you understand the other bulldogs?

Moon Cat:   Them? Mmmmm, naw. Not so much.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Fat Squirrels with No Manners – Conversations with Stella

 

20151220_230434.jpgI am Stella.

Me:        That’s it? No “Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges”?

Stella:    How can I be the queen of anything when I can’t even keep squirrels out of my domain?

Me:        You mean because of Jerky?

Stella:    He’s back.

Me:        Truth be told, he never left.

Stella:    What? I haven’t seen him for months.

Me:        He’s been hanging around the front. And he’s been up in the tall trees with his friends.

Stella:    It’s one thing for him to perch in the trees. It’s another thing for him to lurk around where I walk every day. Did you see what he was doing today? He was eating leftover acorns as though he hasn’t had enough of those all summer. He is so fat now.

Me:        He’s getting ready for winter.

Stella:    And he was eating the weird plants.

Me:        Yeah, I saw that. Well, the honeybees finished with them a few weeks ago. I guess somebody should get the use of them. I’m not going to eat them, and neither are you.

Stella:    He could have asked permission. That would have been polite.

Me:        Squirrels don’t live by good manners. Sort of like bulldogs.

Stella:    Bulldogs have good manners. They’re just our good manners. Not everybody understands. I thought you might.

Me:        I do. We have our good manners, too, but not everybody understands them.

Stella:    Really? We’ll make a bulldog of you yet, Lady Human.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Our Rolling Box Has a Broken Eye – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Our rolling box was attacked the other day and now the poor thing has a big, broken eye. A big, scary broken eye.

Me:        That’s just a plastic bag over the broken window. It’s to keep the rain out until the window repair guy gets here.

Stella:    It is ugly, and it makes weird snapping noises.

Me:        Yeah, when the wind is up. I mean, it’s a plastic bag so…it moves.

Stella:    Can we go somewhere in the rolling box? Can I stick my head through it?

Me:        As I said the other day, no one is sticking anything out of the window.

Stella:    Awww.

Me:        What’s the big deal about dogs and car windows?

Stella:    You don’t know?

Me:        No. I mean the wind in your face can be exciting, but in a car going 70 miles per hour or even 30 miles per hour, not so much. And what if a bug hits your face?

Stella:    Simple. Eat it.

Me:        What if it goes down your throat?

Stella:    Cough it up.

Me:        Well, I guess that is a solution.

Stella:    Wait! What is that noise? Beep! Beep! Beep!

Me:        It’s the window repair guy.

Stella:    Window repair guys say, “Beep! Beep! Beep!”?

Me:        No, but their trucks do when they back up. Okay, I need to talk to this gentleman about the car window so go in the other room and settle down for a while.

Stella:    Why? Is the car window a secret? Why can’t I hear about it? Settle down in the other room? Are you kidding me?

Me:        The man will do his work. The car window will be fixed.

Stella:    I do want that. Does the rolling box feel pain because its eye is broken?

Me:        No, the rolling box is a machine. The parts need to work and the whole needs to work, but it does not have the feelings we do. It feels no pain.

Stella:    Phew! That makes me feel no pain for it. Wait! Can I stick my head out of the broken window tomorrow?

Me:        Nope. The plastic bag will be gone and there will be a new window in its place.

Stella:    Awww.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Who Broke the Window? – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Who was that man at the door? He had one of those shiny things on his shirt like the people on the Picture Box.

Me:   He works for the police. He takes fingerprints.

Miss Sweetie:   Is he here to take my fingerprints? How exciting!

Me:   No, he came to take fingerprints from my car.

Stella:    From your rolling box. Oh, Lady Human, did your rolling box do something wrong?

Me:   No. But somebody did something wrong to my rolling box…my car. I didn’t find out until this morning that someone broke a window in my car yesterday and crawled inside, looking for something to steal.

Tiger:   Who did it? Who did it? Let me at him!

Me:        The police are looking for him. He did it to several vehicles around here. Some cameras caught him in the act.

Doodlebug:   So, what happens to us? How will we go on without the rolling box?

Me:   Nothing bad will happen, Doodle. I will tape plastic over the broken window before it rains tonight. And Tall Man will replace it tomorrow or one of his talented friends will.

Wiggles:   There is no window in the rolling box?

Me:        One is missing.

Wiggles:   Can we go rolling in it now? Can I stick my head out?

Me:        Now, Wiggles, you know that we don’t stick our heads out the windows when we ride.

Wiggles:   But just this once…please, please, please…since the window is gone anyway!

Me:   Sorry, baby doll. There is still a lot of broken glass in the seat. Tall Man will clean that up with his shop vac when he gets off work.

Stella:    Did you say shop vac?

Me:   Yes. But outside, not in the house.

Stella:   No. No! NO! NOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

Me:   Isn’t using the shop vac better than sitting on a sharp piece of glass?

Stella:    NOOOOOO!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Who’s the Big Dog on the Block? – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What does this mean? “The big dog on the block”.

Me:   As with all sayings, this is a human expression. It has nothing to do with dogs.

Stella:    Then why does it mention dogs?

Me:   People like to use what we call metaphors. That means we compare things that are not alike because they are alike in some ways.

Stella:    As usual, human nonsense.

Tiger:   Yes, nonsense. Everyone knows that I am the big dog on the block. What is a block?

Wiggles:   You are the big dog…until I prove that you are not.

Tiger:     Fighting words!

Wiggles:   Then get on with it, loser!

Doodlebug:   Fight! Fight! Fight!

Miss Sweetie:   Who is fighting? I don’t want to miss that!

Me:        No fighting! Period!

Wiggles:   So, when is the fighting period?

Me:   Never! Stella, and everybody! To answer the question about who the big dog on the block is. That would be me!

Stella:   You don’t look like a dog. Aren’t you always saying that you are not a bulldog?

Tiger:   You are not all that big.

Wiggles:   I think I can outfight her. What do you all think?

Tiger:   Yeah, maybe. I know that I could.

Doodlebug:   I would enjoy seeing that.

Miss Sweetie:   Lady Human! Run with me! I will hide you! And bring the cat! I can hide her, too!

Me:   I’m not hiding from anybody! What brought all this on?

Wiggles:   Tiger was prancing around like she was all…you know…lah, lah, lah, look at me. And Stella started talking about big dogs and we know she is not a big dog. I am bigger than she is. Everyone is bigger than she is…

Doodlebug:   And fights are exciting.

Miss Sweetie:   And scary. I know, because Doodlebug and I play fight and it is exciting. And scary.

Me:   Okay. More exercise. It’s a nice day. Everybody needs to run. Not Tiger and Wiggles together, but by turns.

Tiger:   Run?

Wiggles:   Run? Okay.

Doodlebug:   Run and then nap time.

Miss Sweetie:   Nap time now.

Stella:    Lady Human, who is that big dog on the block now?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Hush Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! SCRATCH MY BUTT!

Me:   Stella! Hush your mouth!

Stella:    My mouth is too big to hush. Here! Look! I’m sticking my butt in the air! SCRATCH IT! You know you want to.

Me:   You don’t have to make a big show of it.

Stella:    It’s a bulldog butt. It is a big show.

Me:   When I was growing up, we were discouraged from spending a lot of conversation time talking about our…rear ends.

Stella:    Your conversations must have been very boring. And you must not have talked to many bulldogs.

Me:   I never knew a bulldog before I met you.

Stella:    Wow! No wonder you don’t know how important butt scratching is. Here’s my butt in the air again. SCRATCH IT!

Me:   Okay, okay! Hush! Please stop talking about your…rear end.

Stella:   And make that funny, annoying noise that you do when you scratch it.

Me:   What, you mean like this, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Stella:   That’s perfect!  Just like my butt.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, To Lay Abed All Day – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

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I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I will get back to you. Just keep scratching, Lady Human.

Me:        I don’t mind, but I am going to have to get up sometime.

Stella:    Not now though. Just scratch that spot right there. Yesssss….

Me:        I’m sorry, girl, but I’ve got to get going. There are other things to do.

Stella:    Don’t you like being lay abed?

Me:        Honestly, yes. But lay abed is considered lazy and that’s not a righteous stand to take.

Stella:    Even when you and a dog are lay abed and you are scratching the dog and the dog likes it and it doesn’t even cost any money?

Me:        Even then. We have tasks to perform. Can’t be lazy.

Stella:    But it feels so good.

Me:        Yeah, it does. Maybe just a few more minutes.

Tiger:     Hey, I need to go potty!

Doodlebug:   Me, too! And don’t forget breakfast!

Miss Sweetie:   I want to lay abed. And I want breakfast and potty time.

Wiggles:   We all want that. What’s the holdup?

Stella:    I’ll just stay here, Lady Human. Take care of everybody else. I’m fine right where I am.

Me:        Okay. As long as you’re sure.

Stella:    Oh, I’m sure. I am very sure.

Me:        They are going to call you ‘lazy’.

Stella:    Who cares? Lazy is as lazy does.

Me:        I think this qualifies as ‘lazy does’.

Stella:    Yep. That’s me. Lazy does.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.