My Kingdom Is Being Invaded! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and (lest people forget as they are prone to do) Illustrious and all that goes to say that this is MY land, MY house, MY territory which also goes to say that something is TERRIBLY WRONG when Tiger and I are put out in the yard and told that we MUST (not a word to use to a queen) stay out here until something (I don’t know what) is finished!

Me:        It will only be for about 10 minutes.

Stella:    I can hear a horrible, screechy noise from inside the house! My kingdom…(or is it queendom) is being invaded! Rally the troops! Oh, they are inside, except for Tiger here. No matter. To Arms! Where is that stick that I was chewing earlier? Tiger, find a rock or something to throw! No! Not that! What is that? A toadstool? Nasty! Find something useful. Something to combat an invasion!

Me:        If you are finished giving orders…

Stella:    I am never finished giving orders. And BTW as the humans say, why are you sitting out here so calm as though nothing important is going on?

Me:        Because nothing important is going on and I wanted to keep you two company while you’re out here.

Stella:    Getting down to brass tacks…

Me:        Really? Where did you hear that?

Stella:    Not important. Why are we out here?

Me:        Because Tall Man is running the big shop vac, cleaning up all the bulldog hair that has floated from you all and because the last time he did that, you and Tiger went crackers, ballistic, nuts, and got overexcited. The others were fine with it. They just watched and barked every now and again. But you and Tiger got so wound up that you both panted for at least an hour. Nothing we did calmed you down.

Stella:    Now I remember. The monster roared in from the garage, its teeth bared, growling ferociously. Tall Man was caught in its trap and was being pulled along while the snake-like snout of the beast prowled along the floor, consuming everything in its path – dog hair, cat hair, dust, but worst of all, tasty bits of food that had fallen from our bowls…

Me:        That’s not the way I remember it.

Stella:    Humans have fallible memories.

Me:        Fallible? You’ve been listening to the television again. Good vocabulary development.

Stella:    Silence!

Me:        That is one word I wish you would tuck away. Ah, here comes Tall Man. He must be finished. We can all go back in now.

Stella:    Tall Man, has my kingdom fallen?

Tall Man:  Why is Stella making that noise?

Me:        Same reason as usual.

Stella:    Lady Human, you said that Tiger and I went ‘crackers’ and ‘nuts’ last time the monster roared through the house. I didn’t see any of those. What happened to that food? Can we have some of it?

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Stupid Awards – Human Edition – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, dogs, humans, and…cats…if any are interested in this which I doubt. Anyway, there are no cats on the Stupid Awards list this time. I find that almost inexplicable. Still, it is my list.

Me:        Is this that award where you get a treat whenever someone wins the award so it is just about you getting more treats?

Stella:    Those are the rules.

Me:        Solely to refresh my memory, are the awards stupid or are the recipients stupid?

Stella:    Both. Now for the first Stupie…

Me:        Stupie? Oh, I forgot. That’s the award’s nickname. Please go on.

Stella:    I was about to when I was so rudely interrupted. Ahem. The first Stupie goes to…. drrrrrrrrrruhhhh…

Me:        What?

Stella:    That is a drum roll. I heard it on the Picture Box. We do not have a drummer so I will do that part myself. Ahem, the first Stupie goes to ALL HUMANS LOUDLY TALKING POLITICS ON THE PICTURE BOX ABOUT THE HUMAN ELECTION NONSENSE! Tada!!! All treats go to me. How many will that be, Lady Human?

Me:        I have no idea. Is it limited to candidates or do moderators and commentators count, too?

Stella:    ALL HUMANS. LOUDLY TALKING. POLITICS. PICTURE BOX. ELECTION NONSENSE.

Me:        Is “Picture Box” limited to television? Or does that include the internet and social media?

Stella:    I have no idea what you are talking about.

Me:        Because that could be in the millions. Quite frankly, I cannot foot that kind of bill for dog treats.

Stella:    Well, we can work out a deal on that later.

Me:        Are there any other Stupies to be given out now?

Stella:    Quite a few. There is never a shortage of human stupidity.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

You Smell Good! Wait! Where Have You Been? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella the Illustrious. (That sounds so good, doesn’t it?) I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! And once again, Lady Human has come home after dark with no explanation for her absence.

Me:        Well, excuse me!

Stella:    No. Not this time.

Me:        Stella, I am a human, remember? I am not subject to any bulldog curfew.

Stella:    When you left, it was daylight. When you came home, it was dark.

Me:        I was gone for a total of four hours.

Stella:    And you came home smelling of popcorn.

Me:        Really? I didn’t notice.

Stella:    Are you questioning my dog nose? Even a bulldog has a better sense of scent than any human. You also smelled of wieners and bread and mustard, a delicious odor from what you so rudely refer to as a “Hot Dog”.

Me:        You caught that, too. Your nose is more sensitive than I thought. I wasn’t anywhere near the Hot Dog Stand.

Stella:    Aha! A confession! You went to a party without us!

Me:        Stella, honey, I go lots of places without y’all. No dogs were allowed.

Stella:    And yet other animals were. I scented an owl, a porcupine, a possum, small horses, goats, ducks, chickens…

Me:        How do you know what a porcupine smells like?

Stella:    You weren’t around for my first year and a half. You don’t know what I experienced.

Me:        Did you run into a porcupine before you met us?

Stella:    Not the point, but I guessed right, didn’t I?

Me:        Mmmm. Yeah.

Stella:    Where did you go that we could not?

Me:        I volunteered at a Fall Festival at my church. It was for humans. Only humans. Families and kids. I worked a snow cone machine.

Stella:    Snow cones? I like snow cones.

Me:        And we had a popcorn machine.

Stella:    Popcorn? I like popcorn.

Me:        And a cotton candy machine.

Stella:    Cotton candy. I like to eat cotton.

Me:        Cotton candy is a little different. And we had hot dogs.

Stella:    That’s me.

Me:        And a petting zoo with ponies, goats, ducks, and chickens. And the City Zoo brought an owl and a possum and, yes, a porcupine.

Stella;    I knew it! They let other animals in, but not bulldogs. Unfair!

Me:        Maybe next year, Stella.

Stella:    I will volunteer, Lady Human, but only if I get one snow cone, two hot dogs, a bag of popcorn, and a taste of cotton candy. And if I can get petted by all the children. No adults, please. I can get petted by adults anytime.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

We’ve Run Out of What??? No!!! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am herewith issuing a red alert. Breakfast was delayed this morning by almost half an hour and, when it did come, it was different.

Me:        No red alert is necessary, girl…excuse me, Your Majesty. We ran out of your regular food and so did the store.

Stella:    What??? That cannot be!!! How did you let this happen, Lady Human? How did the other humans let this happen? Call everyone! Call the police! Call the army! HELP!

Me:        Remember when the store ran out of your favorite treats? Everyone survived.

Stella:    It was so hard though.

Me:        The man at the store said that they will have your regular food in by lunchtime tomorrow.

Stella:    No!!!! Too late!!!!

Me:        Was your old food brand so terrible this morning?

Stella:    It was different. We don’t like different. Never let this happen again!

Me:        I’m not sure that I can guarantee that.

Stella:    Why not? You are human. You can do anything.

Me:        Mmmm. Not so much.

Stella:    You are scaring me, Lady Human.

Me:        Nothing is too hard for the LORD. Humans have limitations and, to be honest, I am glad. There are quite a few humans that I would not want to have unlimited power. In fact, there aren’t any humans that I would want to have unlimited power. Including me.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! How does that solve our food problem?

Me:        Your problem will be solved by tomorrow. If we have to go further and search harder for your food or if we even have to make it ourselves, we will. Did you go hungry today?

Stella:    Well, no, not really, though I am always willing to take a little more.

Me:        You see? No genuine problem.

Stella:    Still it bothers me to know that you do not have unlimited powers.

Me:        Really? It is a great comfort to me.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Unfair Disbursement – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Queen Stella the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogge, hereby issue a decree: the humans shall guarantee that each bulldog shall receive the same quantity of treats, no exceptions. Well, one exception and that’s me.

Me:        Everybody gets a treat at the same time so it’s all fair.

Stella:    No, it’s not. Not all is fair in love and treats. I heard a human say that.

Me:        I doubt any human ever said that. They probably said something like ‘all is fair in love and war’.

Stella:    Precisely. That’s what I said.

Me:        I don’t think so…

Stella:    Love. Treats. Fair. War. Yep. I love my treats and if you are not fair, I will go to war for my treats.

Me:        What has brought this on?

Stella:    The chicken jerky treats are not being evenly distributed.

Me:        I break the strips up and make sure that each of you gets a piece.

Stella:    How do you break them up?

Me:        I snap them with my fingers.

Stella:    And your fingers have measuring marks on them?

Me:        Uh, no.

Stella:    So how do you know how much Snoopey is getting compared to me?

Me:        They look about the same length…

Stella:    You are guessing!

Me:        I’m pretty close each time.

Stella:    Pretty close is not close.

Me:        They are approximately the same size.

Stella:    Wrong! What does ‘approximately’ mean? If Snoopey gets one millimeter more per day for 10 days, that means I was cheated 10 millimeters. In 100 days, you owe me 10 centimeters of chicken jerky. That is almost 4 inches of chicken jerky! It adds up fast.

Me:        Stella, what have you been doing with yout free time? Where did you learn about millimeters and centimeters?

Stella:    Sometimes at night, Tall Man works on his projects by my crate. He has a long yellow ribbon with markings on it and he calls out numbers as he measures. It’s really fun to watch and pretty soon he has built another something that he takes away and we never see again.

Me:        He is very handy.

Stella:    No, he only has two of them.

Me:        What I mean is…never mind. I understand that you want everything to be evenly divided. When I was a kid, a cousin of mine always wanted to divide any candy bar we got and he always made sure that his piece was a little bigger than mine. I thought it was very unfair, but when I complained, he gobbled up his piece, destroying the evidence.

Stella:    He sounds like a true treat lover. My kind of human. But you see my point about fairness.

Me:        I see your point. Here is mine. If I have to measure jerky treats to the nearest millimeter, it is going to slow treat distribution to a crawl. And then there’s the question of how thick each treat is. You wouldn’t want to get a big thick piece while poor Snoopey got a thin slice, would you?

Stella:    Mmmm, I wouldn’t mind that so much.

Me:        Fair?

Stella:    I could be appointed the Royal Treat Taster and pick my own.

Me:        I have a feeling that all the treats would end up in your mouth and I wouldn’t be fast enough to stop you. Maybe you should focus on gratitude for what you do get.

Stella:    Is that what you did toward your puppy cousin?

Me:        No, young humans often are unwise. Gratitude came much later.

Stella:    What did you do?

Me:         I learned to buy my own candy bars and hide them.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Weird Humans and Their Clothes 

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Well, some may be illustrious. I know that I am. Lady Human, what were those strange clothes you put on today? They looked…dignified. Not like your regular clothes.

Me:        I had an event to attend.

Stella:    Was it so important that you had to leave us alone all afternoon? Do we have to talk about the curfew thing again?

Me:        As I have said before, bulldogs do not dictate my schedule. It only lasted a few hours. I went because a professor at my old law school is retiring and he was giving a speech about what he has learned.

Stella:    Retiring? Is that the same as dying? That is so sad.

Me:        No, retiring is not the same as dying. He is just leaving his job there after many years. It is not sad. He will go on with his life in different ways.

Stella:    So you had to put on special clothes because someone is leaving a job and will live differently. Humans are weird, Lady Human.

Me:        It is hard to explain to one who does not wear clothing.

Stella:    Why do humans wear clothing?

Me:        It stems from what happened in Eden at the Fall.

Stella:    When everything changed?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    Your clothes are inconvenient. They snag on our nails and on our crates. They have to be washed in the big Loud Wash Machine Thing that keeps breaking down.

Me:        Well, it’s old and has done a whole ton or more of bulldog washing.

Stella:    And why do humans wear clothes?

Me:        So we will not be naked.

Stella:    Dogs are naked and we are not ashamed.

Me:        It’s a human thing, Stella. You will have to understand it from the Great Creator. He is the One Who first clothed us.

Stella:    Well, in that case, all right. I still think human clothes are weird and what you put on today was super strange. And don’t go to any more retirement speeches! You belong to us. You need to stay here while we nap and snore.

Me:        Is that my only function?

Stella:    Of course not, Lady Human. You also are to bring us food and treats and play with us and bring us treats and take us on our bathroom walks and keep spying squirrels away and bring us treats and…

Me:        Okay, Stella, okay. I am beginning to get the picture.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

O Where, O Where Have My Little Toys Gone? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and Illustrious. Hello! A horrible thing happened yesterday evening and it had nothing to do with the humans’ election nonsense. Lady Human, bring back my toys!

Me:        You have your toys. See there. In your crate as always.

Stella:    No, my toys are in the mouths of the other bulldogs. Look at my face. Notice my straight, I’m-not-fooling brow. Bring back my toys.

Me:        You had four toys. You have four toys.

Stella:    I had a million toys.

Me:        No, you didn’t. A million toys would fill this whole house, floor to ceiling and then some.

Stella:    Why did you take my toys away? If you had not touched them, they would not be in the big, slimy bulldog mouths of others.

Me:        Stella, I took your FOUR, count ‘em, FOUR toys and washed them because they were filthy dirty. Your yellow chicken was no longer yellow. It was a nice, medium shade of…well, dirt.

Stella:    She didn’t mind.

Me:        Football Head and Long Blue Squishy Hound or whatever you call him smelled.

Stella:    I liked that smell.

Me:        And Purple Dinosaur…

Stella:    My favorite!!! He was perfect. You cannot improve on a perfect purple dinosaur!

Me:        I noticed that you had not been playing with him and now that he’s been washed, you are using him as a pillow again.

Stella:    I only stopped using him as a pillow for a while because my head is heavy and he was feeling a little smooshed.

Me:        Those other toys weren’t yours. They were old ones that I collected from around the house and cleaned so that each dog could play with one. Did you see how happy it made them?

Stella:    I am not in business to make other dogs happy.

Me:        But they each only got one. You got yours back. I mean, just look at your crate. You have four.

Stella:    Yeah. Now I do. But I used to have a million.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Curfew Breaker – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Illustrious Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Yay me!

Me:        Yay you!

Stella:    You stayed out too late last night, Lady Human. You must never do that again. Now you must stay inside with us as soon as the sun goes to bed.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Yes, do beg my pardon.

Me:        Excuse me, but…

Stella:    You are excused…

Me:        No.

Stella:    You are not excused? Okay.

Me:        No, I mean I am not taking orders from bulldogs on how long I can stay out at night. I am an adult human. I have no curfew. And I wasn’t even away from home. I was talking to a neighbor out back.

Stella:    You were gone so long. We were waiting to go to bed and there was no one to tuck us in and it was so lonely.

Me:        You could have visited among yourselves.

Stella:    That’s no fun. Tiger is always grumbling to me and Wiggles is always saying something dumb. What were you talking to a neighbor about way into the dark night? Oh, no! It wasn’t about that election nonsense thing again, was it?

Me:        Well, actually…

Stella:    NOOOO!!! There isn’t going to be another one of those debate nonsense things again, is there? With the loud humans talking, talking, talking! Blah! Blah! Blah! And never knowing when to stop!

Me:        Well, as a matter of fact…but just one more. You can sit with me in a quiet place. I am not watching or listening to it.

Stella:    But you will talk about it and Tall Man will watch it because he can’t help himself just like that show with the ugly dead zombie monsters staggering around. Wait! Is that going to be on the Picture Box, too?

Me:        The Walking Dead? Yes, in a few more days.

Stella:    NOOOO!!! Election monsters and zombie monsters!!! Where can I go to hide?

Me:        I don’t know, but if you find a place, come and get me.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Our Idea of Fun – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Oh, I already said that, didn’t I? I have so much on my mind these days. All the humans feel tense which makes me feel tense.

It must have something to do with those loud humans on the Picture Box, always talking, talking, talking. Nothing else is wrong. There is food. There are treats. The outside is tolerable. It still could be cooler, but they keep saying that the cool is coming. I think that my humans are gullible. They keep believing what the weather people on the Picture Box tell them.

I think that the Picture Box was invented by cats.

When our humans are too busy to play, we bulldogs find our own fun. We can make a game out of anything. Really! ANYTHING!

A stick? Tasty AND a great toy. I prefer pecan, but mesquite or oak will do in a pinch.

A rock? If it’s big enough, stand on it like one of the human statues. Impressive. Bulldoggy. Only don’t stand there too long. They will try to take your picture with one of their little boxes. If the rock is small, roll it with your nose or kick it with your foot.

And then there are the fun things that my humans leave outside. Wooden gates that are a challenge to dismantle. Great puzzles for bulldog brains. We know how to pick them apart.

The latest toy – a long, long green plastic rope. Lady Human did get upset when she saw the use we made of it. I heard her tell Tall Man “electrical cord” and “at least it was not plugged in”, whatever that means. And he said, “Oh, great.” So at least he saw what a good job we did of chewing it up.

So keep your eyes open, bulldogs and all fellow dogs! Don’t depend on humans for fun. Make your own! Just depend on humans for food, treats, beds, air conditioning, clean ears, clean wrinkles, cool store-bought toys, human-made chew sticks, head pets, massages, manicures, walks, belly rubs, brushing, scratching on your chest and anywhere else you can’t reach, the rare bath (admit it, sometimes we need one), and vet visits (yuck). Have I left anything else out? Well, if I have, just depend on the humans to think of it.

I declare this to be official pre-bedtime nap time. Good night, all dogs everywhere!

Signed, Queen Stella the Illustrious

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll Have What You’re Having – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yes! Illustrious! That’s me. I like that. A young friend called me that and I am going to keep it, just like I keep everything else. Speaking of which, why do humans spend so much time staring into the Big Cold Box in the kitchen?

Me:        We check for ingredients for our meals. Sometimes we don’t know what we want to eat and we have to think about it.

Stella:    You think about food? What is there to think about? Food is food! When you see it, grab it and eat it before someone else does! Let me in there. Let me see what all you have in there. I won’t have to think about it.

Me:        No, we don’t need a bulldog nose sniffing around in the refrigerator.

Stella:    But you sniff around in there.

Me:        I look first and then I sniff.

Stella:    What are you going to eat now?

Me:        Well, there are some sliced apples.

Stella:    Nope.

Me:        Pineapple.

Stella:    Why is everything called ‘apple’? Nope, no fruit.

Me:        I could cook some eggs.

Stella:    Mmmm. Maybe. What else do we have?

Me:        We?

Stella:    We are family, aren’t we? Don’t you love us? You are generous, aren’t you? Wait! Are you a food hoarder, Lady Human?

Me:        Well, of course…Yes, we love…We try to be…No, we are not food hoarders!

Stella:    Thank you for sharing. We will have some of what you are having. On second thought, we are bulldogs. We have a lot of what you are having.

Me:        You bulldogs are on a special diet so you won’t have stomach or skin problems.

Stella:    Sounds like an excuse not to share your food with us.

Me:        More like a reason for you not to share your upset stomachs with us. No, thank you.

Stella:    Well, it’s unfair, but I can’t force you to share. I bet I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight though. Food, glorious food, and the Big Cold Boxes it comes in.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Mine! Mine! Mine! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, et cetera.

Me:        Hello, what?

Stella:    It means ‘and so forth and so on’.

Me:        I know what it means. Where did you learn that?

Stella:    The Picture Box had a bald man inside and he said it again and again. I liked the way he made it sound, so I claimed it. It is now mine.

Me:        I think you must have seen Yul Brynner. He was an actor.

Stella:    Well, he surely knew how to say ‘et cetera’. But that phrase is mine now.

Me:        You can’t just claim a phrase that everybody uses…

Stella:    Yes, I can. Mine. See! That simple.

Me:        You can’t declare some common words to be yours…

Stella:    Mine! Done!

Me:        You can say it all you wish, but you can’t keep others from saying it.

Stella:    Yes, I can!

Me:        Why?

Stella:    Because, you know…Queen. You have a short memory, Lady Human.

Me:        Oh, Stella.

Stella:    That’s my name. I claim that, too. Mine! Nobody else can be Stella.

Me:        I believe that there are a lot of Stellas out there who would dispute that.

Stella:    Dispute. Okay. That’s mine, too. Claimed! Done!

Me:        Language is to be shared, not hoarded.

Stella:    Not anymore. It’s mine, all mine. Except for some words that I don’t like. For example, the word “no”, the word “stop”, the word “down”, the word “enough”. There are others that I don’t favor, but I don’t remember all of them. For now, I am not claiming these. I am freezing them so that they cannot be used against me.

Me:        I think this queen thing has gone to your head.

Stella:    Being queen is not a thing. It is me. Who I am. After all, someone has to be in charge. And the humans don’t seem to be. Therefore, MINE!

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me:        Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella:    Uh-oh.

Me:        Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella:    Nothing.

Me:        Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella:    Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me:        Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella:    You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me:        What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella:    Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella:    Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me:        I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella:    Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me:        That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella:    Oh.

Me:        Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella:    Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me:        Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella:    I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Property Rights for Dogs – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am not pleased.

Me:        Uh-oh.

Stella:    If what happened to me had happened to you, you would not be pleased either.

Me:        Okey dokey. If you say so.

Stella:    Puh. Puh. Puh. This is really important! You have to do something!

Me:        It must be for you to be puffing your cheeks out. What is this something that I have to do?

Stella:    Wiggles peed on my sunning spot! Again!

Me:        Well, that’s not so big a deal. We’ll just hose it off.

Stella:    Not good enough! How would you like it if someone peed on your spot?

Me:        Someone has peed on my spot before.

Stella:    Let me guess. Wiggles.

Me:        As a matter of fact, yes.

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Stella:    She must be stopped! She is a trespasser! She turns everything into her own private bathroom! What about me? What about my rights? I keep my spot nice and clean. I don’t step on anybody else’s spot. But along comes Wiggles who not only steps on my place but pees on it. PEES ON IT!!!

Me:        It’s not that important…

Stella:    Not important? What if a giant came walking through the neighborhood and said, “Oh, that’s a nice spot” and then peed on our house? Would that be important?

Me:        Yes, but I really think that is unlikely to happen. And we can hose your spot off.

Stella:    Not the point. Property rights for Stella! That is the point! I am filing a claim. I demand that a fence be put up surrounding my sunning spot. A Wiggles-proof zone.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    How are my rights going to be protected without it? Not fair!

Me:        Such is life. We don’t need yet another fence just for your sunning spot. If you see Wiggles starting to use your spot, tell her to get off and use her own.

Stella:    What has the world come to when you can’t get a human to build a simple fence to keep a bulldog from peeing on your special spot? I’ll bet you would build one quick enough to keep humans from trespassing to pee on your property.

Me:        Actually, we already have. Some humans have no manners.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Spoiled Humans and Their Toys – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    A box came.

Me:        No introduction this time? No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges”?

Stella:    Thank you for handling that for me. A box came.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    A box came through the door.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    A box came through the door into the house.

Me:        Yes. This is a wonderful exercise in sentence building.

Stella:    What is a sentence?

Me:        Never mind.

Stella:    The box. Was the box for me?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Did the box have toys for me?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Did the box have treats for me?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Did the box have food for me?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Oh, no! Did the box have an undignified costume for me? Like a pumpkin?

Me:        I like bulldogs dressed as pumpkins. And ballerinas. And cowboys. And…

Stella:    No! I knew it! Where can I hide until costume season is over? Couch? No, can’t fit under there. Behind the Picture Box? No, not enough room back there.

Me:        The box is not for you.

Stella:    For Tiger then? She’s always wanted to be a ballerina.

Me:        The box was for me. It was a new laptop computer. My old one died.

Stella:    Died? I am so sorry, Lady Human. You may pet my head if it will make you feel better.

Me:        It was not a living creature. It was a machine. When I say it ‘died’, it stopped working and was not worth fixing.

Stella:    It was a toy like the ones we shredded last year. No fun, no more.

Me:        It’s a toy and it’s a tool.

Stella:    Humans have lots of toys and tools. Your hands are always doing things I don’t understand. You spend too much time playing with them. I think I should take some of them away. When the next box comes, that will be mine. You don’t need any more toys. You are spoiled.

Me:        I am spoiled?

Stella:    Yes. I saw those plush pajama pants you brought home. You can’t fool me. Those are for you, not for me.

Me:        They would not fit you.

Stella:    Are you saying that I am too fat? How rude!

Me:        No, I am saying that they are made for humans and that’s me. You may be disappointed with the next box that shows up. It will have books in it. Are you planning to learn to read?

Stella:    Books? You mean those things you hold in your lap and stare at hour after hour? I’ll take them. They look delicious.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter – Welcome Back, Squirrels! – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Here I am again! Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter, ready to right all wrongs and chase all squirrels!

Welcome back, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, you old rascal! Thought you could outsmart me, did you? Well…okay, you did outsmart me for a little while, but Lady Human discovered your trick and she let me in on where you have been hanging out.

And I hear that you have brought your girlfriend with you this time. The more the merrier. Wait! Does this mean that there will be a litter of puppy squirrels around here?

(Transcriptionist: Probably, but maybe not before next spring.)

 Noooo! No puppy squirrels!

(Transcriptionist: Baby squirrels are not puppies. They are kittens.)

 Double Noooo!!! How can that be? How can squirrels be cats?

(Transcriptionist: They are not cats. Their babies are just called kittens. Hey, I thought you were going to tell a Flying Stella story. This is more like one of our conversations.)

Silence, human!!

(Transcriptionist: If you want me to be silent, stop screaming and stop asking me questions. Save all that for another day.)

Cats, huh. I see their plan now. They are going to join up with Moon the Cat. She has probably been spying for them the whole time. Of course, Moon the Cat never goes outside so how does she pass messages to them? Perhaps by eye blinks through the windows. THAT’S IT! That’s how Jerky always knew where to be to rain nuts down on our heads. Moon the Cat warned him so he could be ready. Clever cat and clever cat squirrels.

(Transcriptionist: Nope.)

This is a terrible danger to the world of bulldogs. Cats on the ground and on top of furniture, counters, washing machines, and pianos. And cat squirrels jumping and climbing trees and fences, running, flying from tree to tree, not to mention scampering across rooftops like little scamps. And all in cahoots with each other.

Now more than ever I must hone my bulldog skills, especially flying.

(Transcriptionist: Since when is flying a bulldog skill?)

Stay alert, bulldogs! And you humans, too! I will keep you informed as the details of the cat/squirrel conspiracy unfold. Until then, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Help! My Squirrel Is Missing! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and this is an emergency red alert to all humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. My squirrel, better known as Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is missing. If you see this squirrel, ask him why he left and tell him that we miss him…

Me:        Wait! What is all this about? Your squirrel?

Stella:    Jerky! I haven’t seen him in days!

Me:        And you are just now putting out an alert? Your definition of emergency is different from mine.

Stella:    I thought he might have gone on vacation.

Me:        Do squirrels do that?

Stella:    Sure. How would you like to eat the same pecans from the same trees all the time? I know how that feels, same old dog food every day, but back to Jerky. He has not come back. The sidewalks are clean. There are no half-eaten nuts or acorns on the ground. No one has been throwing shells on my head when I go outside.

Me:        He hasn’t left.

Stella:    What? Are you sure?

Me:        Sure.

Stella:    Well, where has the little booger been?

Me:        He has expanded his territory. He is bringing food in from other places, still using our property as a base. I see him running down the top of our fence almost every morning when I am outside with Miss Sweetie. Usually he has a pecan in his mouth. Oh, and he has a girlfriend.

Stella:    But…I thought…he liked me.

Me:        He has a squirrel girlfriend. You are a bulldog as you are always reminding me.

Stella:    Oh, all right!

Me:        And what do you mean you thought he liked you? How many times have you complained about him? How he was throwing nuts on our heads and chucking at us. You were the one who named him ‘Jerky’. Most friends don’t call friends ‘Jerky’.

Stella:    I was fond of him so I gave him a cute nickname.

Me:        Are you fond of me? I wonder what cute nickname you’ve given me.

Stella:    Well, that will just be my little secret. Never mind, humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. Red alert is cancelled. Jerky, my little squirrel nemesis, is still here. Let the games resume.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

How Do You Balance? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four legs. I always have had. I know of animals with fewer. I know that each human is given a maximum of two. What I want to know is how do humans balance on only one or two. It is a puzzlement to me.

Me:        There is no mystery really. It is how we are made.

Stella:    But I saw a puppy human walking on knees and hands. That is the same as four paws on the ground.

Me:        Stella, with all due respect, there are no such things as “puppy humans”. There are babies who grow into toddlers who grow into children who grow into teenagers who grow into adults.

Stella:    Blah, blah, blah. Puppies are puppies. Still, how do you do it? One day, puppy humans are on all fours and then the next, poof! They are balancing on no more than two feet, though not well. Then they are walking fast and are harder to keep up with and then they are running and the real fun begins. I admire you all greatly. I wish I could walk like that.

Me:        It’s not exactly poof! It takes a lot of practice. Balance is a tricky skill. And it’s not just physical. There is emotional balance and there is mental balance. Balanced diet. Balanced hobbies. Balanced tires.

Stella:    Balanced diet?

Me:        I knew you would hear the one about food.

Stella:    My diet is not balanced. There are far too few treats compared to food.

Me:        That is balance for you. Dogs do not live by treats alone. Even good treats don’t give your body what it needs.

Stella:    Then it needs better treats.

Me:        I thought we were talking about how humans can balance on fewer than four legs.

Stella:    You are the one who brought up treats.

Me:        No, I think that was…

Stella:    Treats! Please don’t change the subject. And see what you can do about balancing my diet.

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella the Bulldog Poet – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans and dogs (and cats if any are listening or reading, even Moon the Cat). Please allow me to present my musical poem entitled “Bulldog Blues”.

BULLDOG BLUES by Stella the Bulldog Poet

They call us the dogs who are clowns

But our faces are turned down like frowns.

You can make us smile.

Our grins are wide for a while.

But then we get the Bulldog Blues.

Bluuuuuues! Mwahhh! Mwahhh! Grraahhgh!

Bulldog Blues!

 

The End

 

How did you like it?

Me:        For a bulldog, it is really good.

Stella:    For a bulldog?

Me:        Well, I mean, you have a short vocabulary compared to humans, but you made a couple of rhymes and it sounds as though you could put it to music.

Stella:    That was music. I was singing it. Didn’t you notice? You don’t have a very good ear for music, do you?

Me:        I guess I’m used to the human kind.

Stella:    I think they could play it where you push those buttons in your rolling box.

Me:        The car radio?

Stella:    If you say so. I think humans would start singing it, too.

Me:        We could, but it won’t mean as much to us as it does to bulldogs.

Stella:    Still, it is way better than that boring stuff you play on the car’s music box. All that stuff without words. It’s nice to nap to, but mine is better. And shorter. And louder.

Me:        Loud. Now that is one thing we can agree on when it comes to bulldog singing.

Stella:    Loud and proud. If you are going to sing, sing like a bulldog. Make sure everyone can hear it.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.