The Nutty Squirrel Party – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The yard is a mess. Who told the squirrels that they could have a party and not clean up after themselves? Not me!

Me:        Not me either!

Stella:    Look what they have done! They have showered pecans and pecan parts ALL OVER OUR BULLDOG PATHS!

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Me:        Yep. No pecan pies for us this fall.

Stella:    Who cares about pecan pies? Okay, well, maybe I do. But look at this mess! Every path is covered with pecans shells and pieces!

Me:        Must have been some kind of party! Yee haw!

Stella:    Really, Lady Human? Are you condoning this?

Me:        Not condoning. Just understanding.

Stella:    AAAAGGGGHHH!

Me:        Okay, I know you don’t want your bulldog paths messed up and covered with shells, but pretty soon the dirt will cover the debris. We may even get a couple of new pecan trees out of the deal. Hey, the last rain filled in the cicada holes!

Stella:    Cicadas. Who cares? Cicadas I accept. But squirrels? Why are they having a party in our yard?

Me:        Uhhh. Because they are squirrels.

Stella:    My nemesis, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is behind this.

Me:        I have no doubt.

Stella:    Well, I will show him what’s what.

Me:        What is what?

Stella:    The yard is ours.

Me:        Ours as in yours and mine.

Stella:    No, of course not. Not yours at all. It belongs to the bulldogs. So here we come! Watch out, Jerky, you and all your squirrel friends! We bulldogs are on the move! Don’t you dare litter on our bulldog paths again!

Me:        Since you say it is yours, would you all be willing to contribute to the upkeep, maintenance, and taxes on it?

Stella:    The what, the what, and the what? You humans and your silly talk. That’s not our job. Our job is to chase squirrels…and cats. And that we will do. Until all the pecans pies in the world fall out of their little paws and into ours.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

ALERT! Squirrel “Rain” of Terror – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this ALERT to all people and dogs everywhere.

Me:        I think that may extend a little beyond your reach.

Stella:    Everyone must be warned for their own safety! This afternoon, while I was outside minding my own business and taking care of my own business, if you know what I mean…

Me:        I do. Please go on.

Stella:    All of a sudden, I was bombed from above!

Me:        Bombed?

Stella:    I couldn’t see the perpetrator, but I knew who it was!

Me:        Perpetrator?

Stella:    My arch nemesis. My eternal enemy.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess.

Stella:    Exactly. Jerky McSquirrelyFace. Who else could have targeted me?

Me:        Yeah, he targeted all of us, including me.

Stella:    His stealth and arrogance know no bounds. Poor little green pecans. They are giving their lives for nothing. He doesn’t even eat all of them, but throws their half-eaten shells on our heads to taunt us.

Me:        Well, I wouldn’t say ‘for nothing’. They are feeding the squirrels.

Stella:    Squirrels? You mean it’s not just Jerky?

Me:        Did you see how fast they were coming down? He had help.

Stella:    Then it is time to form the Anti-Squirrel Bulldog Army. Jerky’s rain of nuts must end. To be continued…

Me:        If you say so.

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WANTED POSTER ISSUED BY STELLA, QUEEN OF THE OLDE ENGLISH BULLDOGGES:

This is a photograph of Jerky from a year ago. Anyone spotting this squirrel should contact their local anti-squirrel agency. Do not attempt to approach him alone! He will throw nuts at you!

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

And So…It Begins Again – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I found the evidence in the yard today, evidence that waves in my face like a red flag in front of a bull, whatever that means. I heard one of the humans say it. I quote humans when they say words that sound interesting, even if they make no sense.

The evidence speaks for itself though it has no mouth. And so, once again, it begins.

Me:        All right. This time I am totally confused. What begins once again? What evidence speaks for itself?

Stella:    War.

Me:        I beg your pardon.

Stella:    Granted.

Me:        No, I mean, what war?

Stella:    Well, then you should have said so. Of course, you are confused. Humans live that way.

Me:        Stella, what war?

Stella:    The war between me and Jerky McSquirrelyFace. He has returned. I found the evidence this morning. A green pecan on the ground, chewed in half, cut down in its prime. I know his MO.

Me:        Where did you hear about MO?

Stella:    On the source of human stupidity – the Picture Box, naturally. Jerky starts small and then BOOM! He eats ALL the green pecans, leaving none for the rest of us! If that is not an act of squirrel war, what is? Get ready, Lady Human. It is going to be a long, hot summer. CHARGE!

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Me:        Can I just sit this one out in the air conditioning?

Stella:    Lady Human, for shame!

Me:        I don’t really have to pick up pecans. I can always go to the store.

Stella:    Fine! Just turn over every pecan tree in the world to the squirrels. Who will have pecan pie then?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Help! My Squirrel Is Missing! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and this is an emergency red alert to all humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. My squirrel, better known as Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is missing. If you see this squirrel, ask him why he left and tell him that we miss him…

Me:        Wait! What is all this about? Your squirrel?

Stella:    Jerky! I haven’t seen him in days!

Me:        And you are just now putting out an alert? Your definition of emergency is different from mine.

Stella:    I thought he might have gone on vacation.

Me:        Do squirrels do that?

Stella:    Sure. How would you like to eat the same pecans from the same trees all the time? I know how that feels, same old dog food every day, but back to Jerky. He has not come back. The sidewalks are clean. There are no half-eaten nuts or acorns on the ground. No one has been throwing shells on my head when I go outside.

Me:        He hasn’t left.

Stella:    What? Are you sure?

Me:        Sure.

Stella:    Well, where has the little booger been?

Me:        He has expanded his territory. He is bringing food in from other places, still using our property as a base. I see him running down the top of our fence almost every morning when I am outside with Miss Sweetie. Usually he has a pecan in his mouth. Oh, and he has a girlfriend.

Stella:    But…I thought…he liked me.

Me:        He has a squirrel girlfriend. You are a bulldog as you are always reminding me.

Stella:    Oh, all right!

Me:        And what do you mean you thought he liked you? How many times have you complained about him? How he was throwing nuts on our heads and chucking at us. You were the one who named him ‘Jerky’. Most friends don’t call friends ‘Jerky’.

Stella:    I was fond of him so I gave him a cute nickname.

Me:        Are you fond of me? I wonder what cute nickname you’ve given me.

Stella:    Well, that will just be my little secret. Never mind, humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. Red alert is cancelled. Jerky, my little squirrel nemesis, is still here. Let the games resume.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s List of Offenders – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges with my latest List of Offenders.

Number 1 (by far): Jerky McSquirrelyFace, the Rude Squirrel that is eating all the green pecans off of our trees. He sits up there, nibbling away, taking only a few small bites out of each nut, and then dropping the remains on our heads. He is arrogant because he thinks we can’t reach him while he sits up there, chuckling away, laughing at us. Beware, McSquirrelyFace, I have my bulldog eyes on you. I will remind you again – WINTER IS COMING! Oh, it is hard to imagine now when the weather is hot and the trees are full, but it will come and you will rue the day you ate all the nuts.

Number 2 and 3 and 4: Miss Sweetie – That’s right, Miss Sweetie, you keep finding new ways to annoy me. Oh, the humans laugh and think that you are “cute”. I don’t understand their use of that word when it does not apply to me. Obviously, “cute” no longer has any real meaning.

For starters, why oh why do you sit your large behind in your food bowl after breakfast? Don’t you realize that it will never fit? Who does that? That’s where your food goes, silly! You don’t see the humans sitting on their plates or in their bowls. They know better. I know better. EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER!

And when you are playing in the Puppy Pool, remember that bystanders may not want water sloshed all over them so cut out the running jump trick. I don’t play in the water much. Do you know why? I DON’T LIKE TO GET SPLASHED!

Before I forget (which I never do), when you happen to find stray pieces of food that have fallen ACCIDENTALLY outside my bowl, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Do you really think that I throw food away? I will get back to the poor lost munchies in my own time. Lady Human understands this. She lets me clean it up by myself. Bottom line, all food near my bowl is MINE, MINE, MINE!

As the humans say, a word to the wise is sufficient. Not that I believe you are wise, Miss Sweetie. You have always been a goofy girl. Who else would try to make her food bowl into a chair?

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.