Queen Stella Holds Court – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am entertaining a question from Lady Human. Human queens call this an audience, but that is strange because only the two of us are here. Anyway, go on and ask thy question.

Me:        Very gracious of you.

Stella:    Indeed, it is. Pray, what is thy question?

Me:        Why are you talking like that?

Stella:    Thou hast been playing the Picture Box a lot with many people on it talking this way. I think that they speak prettily.

Me:        I suppose they do. Now for my question…

Stella:    I have already answered thy question.

Me:        No, I haven’t asked it yet.

Stella:    Yes, thou didst. Thou asked about my pretty talk.

Me:        That was just because it sounded so weird coming from your mouth. I had another question.

Stella:    Thou hast my permission to proceed. Ask thy annoying question.

Me:        How do you know it is annoying?

Stella:    All human questions are annoying. I would rather be napping.

Me:        Okay, what I want to understand is…

Stella:    No, thou hast already asked thy second question.

Me:        Hey, not fair!

Stella:    I am Queen. I decide what is fair.

Me:        That alone is grossly unfair.

Stella:    Silence, churl!

Me:        Okay, off goes the television.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Giant Ants – I Told You So! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and very ticked off at Lady Human. She told me that there are no such things as giant insects, but this very minute she is watching giant ants on the Picture Box. The human army is fighting them which is what the army is supposed to do. It is about time.

Me:        Stella, this is an old movie called Them. It’s older than I am.

Stella:    And still the Giant Ant problem persists.

Me:        No, there never was a Giant Ant problem.

Stella:    Denial.

Me:        This is a fiction movie. There were not and are not giant ants.

Stella:    If there are not and never were Giant Insects, why do humans keep making movies about them?

Me:        Humans enjoy scary ideas so long as they aren’t things that can really happen.

Stella:    Humans are stupid.

Me:        Sometimes. Agreed.

Stella:    Those army men in the movie are using flame throwing sticks to kill the Giant Ants. You have flame throwing sticks so we are safe.

Me:        I do not have flamethrowers. Not even one.

Stella:    What about those sticks you use to light your big, fat smelly candles?

Me:        We talked about that. Those are automatic matches. They are like cigarette lighters. You pull a button, they strike a spark, and a liquid fuel ignites, giving you a flame on the end of a metal tube. That’s all.

Stella:    So, we are not safe from Giant Ants.

Me:        There are no giant ants.

Stella:    How far away is the army? How fast can they get here? They have real flame throwing sticks, right? The movie is not all made up, right?

Me:        We don’t need the army. There are no giant ants. Well, not like the ones on the movie.

Stella:    And now, the truth.

Me:        The largest so-called ant I have ever seen was about an inch long. It was what we call a Cow Killer.

Stella:    A Giant Ant that kills those big sweet cows? NOOO!

Me:        They don’t kill cows and they aren’t ants, though they look like them. They are wasps that wear thick red hair. They are also called Red Velvet Ants. Their bite hurts so much that people started saying it was bad enough to kill a cow. So, they earned that nickname.

Stella:    Where, Lady Human, did you see this monster fake ant? Was it around here?

Me:        Not too far. It was at a Boy Scout camp some little ways southwest of here.

Stella:    NOOO! That’s why the movie said the ants were in Texas. You heard it. TEXAS. That’s here!

Me:        Stop worrying. The movie is a made-up story, Stella.

Stella:    That’s what they want you to think. Where do you think they got the idea for that made-up story? You have the army’s phone number, right?

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s List of Offenders – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges with my latest List of Offenders.

Number 1 (by far): Jerky McSquirrelyFace, the Rude Squirrel that is eating all the green pecans off of our trees. He sits up there, nibbling away, taking only a few small bites out of each nut, and then dropping the remains on our heads. He is arrogant because he thinks we can’t reach him while he sits up there, chuckling away, laughing at us. Beware, McSquirrelyFace, I have my bulldog eyes on you. I will remind you again – WINTER IS COMING! Oh, it is hard to imagine now when the weather is hot and the trees are full, but it will come and you will rue the day you ate all the nuts.

Number 2 and 3 and 4: Miss Sweetie – That’s right, Miss Sweetie, you keep finding new ways to annoy me. Oh, the humans laugh and think that you are “cute”. I don’t understand their use of that word when it does not apply to me. Obviously, “cute” no longer has any real meaning.

For starters, why oh why do you sit your large behind in your food bowl after breakfast? Don’t you realize that it will never fit? Who does that? That’s where your food goes, silly! You don’t see the humans sitting on their plates or in their bowls. They know better. I know better. EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER!

And when you are playing in the Puppy Pool, remember that bystanders may not want water sloshed all over them so cut out the running jump trick. I don’t play in the water much. Do you know why? I DON’T LIKE TO GET SPLASHED!

Before I forget (which I never do), when you happen to find stray pieces of food that have fallen ACCIDENTALLY outside my bowl, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Do you really think that I throw food away? I will get back to the poor lost munchies in my own time. Lady Human understands this. She lets me clean it up by myself. Bottom line, all food near my bowl is MINE, MINE, MINE!

As the humans say, a word to the wise is sufficient. Not that I believe you are wise, Miss Sweetie. You have always been a goofy girl. Who else would try to make her food bowl into a chair?

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.