Bathroom Maneuvers – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and as queen, it is my duty to inform Lady Human of bulldog misbehavior, unless it is my own. Lady Human, I regret to tell you, but Doodlebug has pulled a Miss Sweetie bathroom trick.

Me:        What? What’s going on? You don’t mean…

Stella:    Yes. No. Maybe. If you are thinking that Doodlebug built his own toilet by stacking his food bowl on his water bowl at a convenient angle, no. He’s not that skilled. Sweetie is a way better…what do humans call it?

Me:        Engineer.

Stella:    Okay. If you say so. Anyway, if you were thinking that Doodlebug aimed at his empty food bowl and peed, then you would be right.

Me:        Doodlebug, why?

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Doodlebug:        Mmmmm. I dunno.

Me:        How come you didn’t let me know you needed to go out?  I just went outside for a minute to throw the trash away. Couldn’t you have waited?

Doodlebug:        No.

Me:        Why not? Are you all right?

Doodlebug:        Yep.

Me:        Do you have a problem?

Doodlebug:        Nope.

Me:        Then why did you pee in your food bowl?

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what I want.

Me:        Oh, no, you don’t do what you want, boy. Nobody gets to do whatever they want. Nobody.

Stella:    Humans do.

Me:        No, humans do not.

Stella:    Ridiculous.

Me:        Humans have rules, standards, guidance that we must live by. They are given to us by the Great Creator, so that we will live and live well. And one of our rules is that we do not pee in our food bowls.

Stella:    Doodlebug did.

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what…

Me:        No, Doodlebug, no. You are getting too old to be acting out like that. Let me know when you need an extra trip outside and you’ll have it. No more peeing in the house!

Doodlebug:        What about in my crate?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in my water bowl?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in Aunt Stella’s water bowl?

Stella:    NO!

Me:     So bulldogs DO have rules.

Stella:     When it comes to my stuff, this bulldog does.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Doggy Toilet Building – Scary Smart Part 2 – Sweetie the Wonder Dog – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now I have seen everything. Humans, bulldogs are smart. Stubborn but smart. Some people think that our stubbornness means that we do not understand what we are being asked to do. Not so. We may obey, but we do not comply.

Today I have seen something that rivals…well, you tell the story, Lady Human.

Me:        You saw it, too.

Stella:    Yes, but I was still in extended bulldog wake up mode, so I missed the first part.

Me:        Okay. This morning, everyone had been fed and I normally take Miss Sweetie outside first by herself after breakfast because she gets to playing and forgets to do…you know, her business.

Stella:    Let’s be clear. Her “business” is pooping and peeing. Why don’t humans just say what they mean?

Me:        When I was growing up, bathroom matters were called “business” and everyone knew what that meant.

Stella:    Pooping and peeing. See, I said it. Please go on.

Me:        I always try to get Miss Sweetie out within a minute or two of her finishing breakfast because she is not good at waiting to do her business.

Stella:    Who is? Please continue.

Me:        I was washing some dishes at the sink and I heard her start to move her metal food dish around, indicating that she had finished her food. She steps in it and sometimes sits in it, even though she doesn’t fit and, anyway, I told her I would be with her in a minute. A minute! And to please wait just a minute! And then, there was this sound of water hitting metal and I knew it wasn’t from the sink because I had turned the faucet off and I’m like, “Is there a weird leak somewhere?”

Stella:    And there was! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Me:        I looked over at Miss Sweetie and there she was, sitting beside her food and water bowls, only the empty food bowl was sitting at a 45 degree angle on top of her water bowl and…I can hardly say it…

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Stella:    Go ahead! This is the best part.

Me:        And pee was pooled in the bottom of it. She had set up her food bowl as a toilet and she had peed in it because she did not want to wait another minute to go out. Yuck!

Stella:    And?

Me:        And she had perfect aim and she did not spill a drop.

Stella:    I feel like cheering. Let’s hear it for Miss Sweetie, Bulldog Bathroom Champion! How do the humans say it? Oh, yes, hip-hip-hoo…

Me:        Yuck!

Stella:    No, I don’t think that is how it goes. No human cheer ends with the word, “Yuck”.

Me:        Do you know how much hot water and soap I had to use on those bowls before I could even think of using them for her food and water again?

Stella:    No, but I am sure that Miss Sweetie did not give it a second thought. And I am sure that you won’t be asking her to wait just one more minute before her morning bathroom run again.

Me:        Not even half a minute.

Stella:    You realize that Miss Sweetie can’t tell time. A minute to her could be an hour, a week, a month, a year for all she knows. Miss Sweetie believes in basics. If you need to go the bathroom, go to the bathroom. That’s all. She was doing you a favor by setting up her bowl to catch it. She knew how busy you were.

I hope you got a picture of it. You can put it on that little box that you and all the other humans are always staring at.

Me:        I don’t post pictures of pee. For any reason. I did show Tall Man just so I had a witness and he wouldn’t think that I was making it up.

Stella:    I think Miss Sweetie should consider a change in career from bulldog to whoever those humans are who take care of putting together human toilets.

Me:        Plumbers?

Stella:    No, that’s not it.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s List of Offenders – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges with my latest List of Offenders.

Number 1 (by far): Jerky McSquirrelyFace, the Rude Squirrel that is eating all the green pecans off of our trees. He sits up there, nibbling away, taking only a few small bites out of each nut, and then dropping the remains on our heads. He is arrogant because he thinks we can’t reach him while he sits up there, chuckling away, laughing at us. Beware, McSquirrelyFace, I have my bulldog eyes on you. I will remind you again – WINTER IS COMING! Oh, it is hard to imagine now when the weather is hot and the trees are full, but it will come and you will rue the day you ate all the nuts.

Number 2 and 3 and 4: Miss Sweetie – That’s right, Miss Sweetie, you keep finding new ways to annoy me. Oh, the humans laugh and think that you are “cute”. I don’t understand their use of that word when it does not apply to me. Obviously, “cute” no longer has any real meaning.

For starters, why oh why do you sit your large behind in your food bowl after breakfast? Don’t you realize that it will never fit? Who does that? That’s where your food goes, silly! You don’t see the humans sitting on their plates or in their bowls. They know better. I know better. EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER!

And when you are playing in the Puppy Pool, remember that bystanders may not want water sloshed all over them so cut out the running jump trick. I don’t play in the water much. Do you know why? I DON’T LIKE TO GET SPLASHED!

Before I forget (which I never do), when you happen to find stray pieces of food that have fallen ACCIDENTALLY outside my bowl, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Do you really think that I throw food away? I will get back to the poor lost munchies in my own time. Lady Human understands this. She lets me clean it up by myself. Bottom line, all food near my bowl is MINE, MINE, MINE!

As the humans say, a word to the wise is sufficient. Not that I believe you are wise, Miss Sweetie. You have always been a goofy girl. Who else would try to make her food bowl into a chair?

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.