In Search of: Paper Towels – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is searching for something, looking in every cabinet, high and low, up and down, over and under. What is missing?

Me:        Paper towels.

Stella:    Paper?

Me:        Paper.

Stella:    Towels?

Me:        Towels.

Stella:    Oh, the towels that you throw away. The towels that don’t go into the loud, obnoxious, rocking and rolling, jumping, walking, out of control washing machine. By all means, find the paper towels and spare us the ugly noise!

Me:        I prefer to use rags, but this needs to be a quick clean up.

Stella:    Don’t tell me. I already know. Miss Sweetie. Right?

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Me:        Right.

Stella:    Because you left the room just as she was ready to, you know, ‘go’.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    Lady Human, don’t leave the room when she is ready to, you know, ‘go’. When you walk out, she gives up hope. She thinks that you will never come back. I have tried to tell her otherwise, but she doesn’t listen.

Me:        How well I know. I can’t find the paper towels. I guess we ran out. I’m just going to use rag towels. There.

Stella:    Lady Human.

Me:        I know, Stella. I have to mop it up.

Stella:    Uh, no, you don’t. Look.

Me:        I can’t believe it.

Stella:    I told you. Miss Sweetie is a bulldog genius.

Me:        She’s mopping up the mess herself. She really is.

Stella:    Those bulldog feet are good for something more than stomping around and pawing humans for attention.

Me:        She doesn’t like the mess any more than the rest of us do.

Stella:    Always remember, Lady Human. Don’t leave the room!

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Doggy Toilet Building – Scary Smart Part 2 – Sweetie the Wonder Dog – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now I have seen everything. Humans, bulldogs are smart. Stubborn but smart. Some people think that our stubbornness means that we do not understand what we are being asked to do. Not so. We may obey, but we do not comply.

Today I have seen something that rivals…well, you tell the story, Lady Human.

Me:        You saw it, too.

Stella:    Yes, but I was still in extended bulldog wake up mode, so I missed the first part.

Me:        Okay. This morning, everyone had been fed and I normally take Miss Sweetie outside first by herself after breakfast because she gets to playing and forgets to do…you know, her business.

Stella:    Let’s be clear. Her “business” is pooping and peeing. Why don’t humans just say what they mean?

Me:        When I was growing up, bathroom matters were called “business” and everyone knew what that meant.

Stella:    Pooping and peeing. See, I said it. Please go on.

Me:        I always try to get Miss Sweetie out within a minute or two of her finishing breakfast because she is not good at waiting to do her business.

Stella:    Who is? Please continue.

Me:        I was washing some dishes at the sink and I heard her start to move her metal food dish around, indicating that she had finished her food. She steps in it and sometimes sits in it, even though she doesn’t fit and, anyway, I told her I would be with her in a minute. A minute! And to please wait just a minute! And then, there was this sound of water hitting metal and I knew it wasn’t from the sink because I had turned the faucet off and I’m like, “Is there a weird leak somewhere?”

Stella:    And there was! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Me:        I looked over at Miss Sweetie and there she was, sitting beside her food and water bowls, only the empty food bowl was sitting at a 45 degree angle on top of her water bowl and…I can hardly say it…

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Stella:    Go ahead! This is the best part.

Me:        And pee was pooled in the bottom of it. She had set up her food bowl as a toilet and she had peed in it because she did not want to wait another minute to go out. Yuck!

Stella:    And?

Me:        And she had perfect aim and she did not spill a drop.

Stella:    I feel like cheering. Let’s hear it for Miss Sweetie, Bulldog Bathroom Champion! How do the humans say it? Oh, yes, hip-hip-hoo…

Me:        Yuck!

Stella:    No, I don’t think that is how it goes. No human cheer ends with the word, “Yuck”.

Me:        Do you know how much hot water and soap I had to use on those bowls before I could even think of using them for her food and water again?

Stella:    No, but I am sure that Miss Sweetie did not give it a second thought. And I am sure that you won’t be asking her to wait just one more minute before her morning bathroom run again.

Me:        Not even half a minute.

Stella:    You realize that Miss Sweetie can’t tell time. A minute to her could be an hour, a week, a month, a year for all she knows. Miss Sweetie believes in basics. If you need to go the bathroom, go to the bathroom. That’s all. She was doing you a favor by setting up her bowl to catch it. She knew how busy you were.

I hope you got a picture of it. You can put it on that little box that you and all the other humans are always staring at.

Me:        I don’t post pictures of pee. For any reason. I did show Tall Man just so I had a witness and he wouldn’t think that I was making it up.

Stella:    I think Miss Sweetie should consider a change in career from bulldog to whoever those humans are who take care of putting together human toilets.

Me:        Plumbers?

Stella:    No, that’s not it.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Scary Smart – Conversations with Stella

I am here once again with Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Stella:    I like that! It makes me sound official.

Me:        In Bulldog Land, you are as official as it gets.

Stella:    Why were you wearing your weird face?

Me:        I beg your pardon? I don’t have a weird face to wear.

Stella:    Yes, you do. It shows up whenever one of us has done something that you can’t figure out with your human brain.

Me:        I wasn’t aware…well, I have been surprised by some of Doodlebug’s and Miss Sweetie’s antics lately.

Stella:    Antics are like when they burp or jump up on chairs or stand on tables like they are going to give a speech?

Me:        No, those are normal bulldog activities. I mean the scary smart stuff like, well, here’s a list:

Doodlebug opened the back door again by turning the handle,

Miss Sweetie uses her mouth to try to turn on things like faucets,

Doodlebug does a quick gymnastic neck duck to get out of the lead when it’s loose,

Doodlebug puts any stick he is chewing on down in a special place when he comes                   in because he knows that I am going to take it away from him,

Doodlebug knows how to slide the latch to open his crate

They both know how to reach in and steal eggs from the chickens,

Doodlebug knows when breakfast time is within ten minutes either way…

Stella:    It sounds like Doodlebug is the smart one and Miss Sweetie has just made a couple of lucky guesses. Why is it scary smart?

Me:        Because we don’t expect dogs to figure out how to do some of the complicated stuff that we do.

Stella:    Because you think we are dumb.

Me:        Not dumb. Just dogs.

Stella:    Just dogs! Just dogs! I knew it! Humans think they are all that and a bag of doggy treats, too! Hmmph! Watch as I turn my head away in disgust! You humans think that you control everything!

Me:        Well, not everything, but things like door handles and faucets, yes.

Stella:    You just wait. One day we will send a dog to the moon so he can pee on it and return safely to Earth.

Me:        Oh, great. A dog peeing on the moon, too. And who is going to build this dog spaceship?

Stella:    Well, never mind. You just guard your faucets and door handles. And the washing machine.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.