Olde English Bulldogges

Heavy Breathing – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 10, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Huh-ha-huh-ha-huh-ha. The air has weight, heavy and hot. It is like breathing thin warm water, but still it is air and I need it. The sky’s thick breath presses on us like a warm, wet blanket, hard to run through, hard to sleep through, hard.

Me: Are you all right?

Stella: Yes. But I am not happy. Send the hot away.

Me: Not in my power. Summer has its purpose, just as spring and autumn and winter have their purposes. Every season has a reason.

Stella: Is that one of those human rhymes, Lady Human? Really! It is too hot for rhymes.

Me: It is too hot for anything else. And yet, this is by far not the hottest weather I have witnessed.

Stella: I am not sure that I want to hear that story.

Me: It was the Summer of 1980…

Stella: Oh, no. Is this going to be a long story because, if it is, I need some popcorn.

Me: No popcorn. Not that long.

Stella: How about a frozen treat?

Me: I’ll see what I can do. Anyway, it was the Summer of 1980. The temperature reached 100 degrees or more for what was it? 69 straight days?

Stella: Are you asking me? I was not around that long ago, remember?

Me: One day, the temperature reached 113 degrees Fahrenheit. I walked from one building to another several blocks away in downtown Dallas.

Stella: Downtown Dallas? Is that in our backyard?

Me: Not really. Anyway, when I got there, I laid my hand on my head. My hair was so hot, it burned my fingers to touch it. I should have worn a hat or carried an umbrella, but no, I thought, hey, no big deal!

Stella: Scary! I am covered with hair! Is there much more to this story because, if there is, I really need popcorn.

Me: I met a man from Italy and he was horrified that it was so hot.

Stella: I am not from Italy, whatever that is, and I am horrified. How did the story turn out? Did you burn up?

Me: No. I mean…obviously not, I am still here.

Stella: So, no big deal, right? My question is what are you going to do about the hot, heavy air right now?

Me: It was only 95 or 96 today. Just keep calm. Stay inside. Drink water.

Stella: And keep the air conditioner running.

Me: Amen. There was another summer that came within a day of breaking the 1980 run of 69 100 degree plus days…

Stella: Nope. Enough. No more stories without popcorn.

Goodbye, Summer! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 8, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby declare that SUMMER IS OVER! That is all.

Me: I don’t think seasons work that way.

Stella: Why not?

Me: Because Earth turns at a certain pace and tilts toward the sun at a certain rate and that pretty much determines when we have summer and fall and winter and spring so…

Stella: Wait! What is this ‘Earth’ you are talking about?

Me: Okay…well…let’s see… Earth is the planet that we all live on.

Stella: Oh. And what is ‘planet’?

Me: Okay…well…let’s see…A planet is a heavenly body…this is kind of hard to explain.

Stella: Is a planet something that the Great Creator made?

Me: Yes! Exactly!

Stella: Then why didn’t you just say so? Still, I am the Queen and I am declaring summer to be at an end. So there!

Me: Don’t you think that summer should run its course, the way the Great Creator designed?

Stella: I don’t like summer anymore. Summer is hot. We can’t stay outside very long. That cramps my style.

Me: Sweetie likes it. She gets to bathe in the puppy pool.

Stella: So, the rest of us have to suffer just for her to get to go swimming?

Me: Suffer? In air conditioning? You realize that our ancestors did not have air conditioning and lived through all the Texas summers, don’t you?

Stella: Really?

Me: Yep.

Stella: Hmmm. They must have been tougher than we are.

Me: I think so. I wish we were tougher.

Stella: Well, bulldogs are tougher than humans. Still, I declare summer to be at an end. Enough is enough. Oh, but keep the air conditioner running just in case.

Terms of Delivery – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 7, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. And I am waiting.

Me: Waiting for what?

Stella: You know!

Me: Uhhbbb, no, I don’t.

Stella: Uhhbbb, yes, you do. Is your memory fading, Lady Human?

Me: I don’t think so. Could you be a little more specific?

Stella: I would be glad to, but I don’t know what ‘specific’ means.

Me: Exactly what are you waiting for?

Stella: Treats.

Me: I give you treats every day.

Stella: Not those treats. Those treats are not treaty enough.

Me: Treaty?

Stella: Hey, everybody else is making up new words. Treaty is mine.

Me: You realize that ‘treaty’ is already a word that means something other than…treats.

Stella: Beside the point. Where are my treaty treats?

Me: Oh, the chicken jerky treats!

Stella: Oh, now you remember!

Me: I haven’t gotten by the store that sells them yet.

Stella: You said you would bring them. Terms of delivery. Isn’t that what humans say? Isn’t that a promise?

Me: Well…

Stella: Terms of delivery, Lady Human. Where are the treats?

Me: I haven’t had time this week.

Stella: For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me: I’ll get them. I promise.

Stella: Too little, too late!

Me: So, you don’t want the chicken treats?

Stella: Did I say that?

Me: Sort of.

Stella: If you believe that, I have been totally misrepresented.

Me: Misrepresented by yourself?

Stella: Don’t try to confuse me! I am already confused enough as it is. Bring me my treats!

Me: All right. Double effort tomorrow to get to the feed store to pick up a bag of chicken treats.

Stella: Don’t let me down, Lady Human. Never lie to a dog!

Not Worth Fighting About – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 4, 2018June 4, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am in charge! Cut it out, Tiger!

Me: No, actually I am in charge. Cut it out, Tiger! Cut it out, Wiggles!

Wiggles: Tiger put her face right into my nose! I don’t want to smell her face!

Tiger: My face smells good! What are you complaining about? You don’t complain when Miss Sweetie sticks her face in yours and her face stinks!

Miss Sweetie: That is so hurtful. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Me: No, she doesn’t. I clean her up with Malacetic Wipes. She smells like…well…like Malacetic Wipes. What’s the real problem here?

Doodlebug: Okay, I can explain it. Since the beds got moved around, Wiggles and Tiger are all sassy with each other because, when Tiger goes outside, she passes a whole lot closer to Wiggles’ bed, and they can’t keep their eyes to themselves, and so…bark, bark, bark, snarl, snarl, snarl…and then Lady Human has to break it up. That is so unfair to Lady Human!

Me: I agree! So how do we work this out? Because the narrow passage out to the yard is just what it is – narrow. Please! No more eyeballing each other. Exercise a little self control.

Stella: A ridiculous request, Lady Human! Have you forgotten to whom you are speaking?

New Neighbors – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 2, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am special. I have a unique place right in front of the Picture Box where I can watch all the silly things the humans watch. I am the center of attention. I can see everything that goes on while I am comfortably laying in my bed. I have my toys, my food, my water, my ceiling fan…

Me: Actually, that ceiling fan is for everyone.

Stella: So you say. Something horrible happened today.

Me: Nothing horrible happened. There was a change, but nothing horrible.

Stella: I am a bulldog. I hate change.

Me: Most people do, too.

Stella: Go ahead, Lady Human. Tell the other humans what you did today.

Me: I moved Wiggles’ and Miss Sweetie’s beds next to yours.

Stella: Aaaaggghh! You destroyed my special place!

Me: How? Their beds were not that far away, always within eye shot. I just moved them away from the air conditioner. They were right under it and their shedding and dander were causing a problem with the unit, putting more pressure on it. The outside temperature was 100 degrees today. It is more important that the air conditioner keeps running efficiently for everyone’s sake. So moving them by you will help the AC and everyone benefits.

Stella: Everyone except me!

Me: Everyone including you. Tell me, do you enjoy the cooler air that the AC brings?

Stella: The cold air box? Yeah, sure. It’s great!

Me: Would you want it to work so hard that it breaks?

Stella: NO! Don’t let that happen!

Me: By God’s grace, it won’t. But we need to be sensible. The coils have to work harder if bulldog dander covers them. With Wiggles and Miss Sweetie sleeping over by you, that’s less stress on the machine. Good for everyone, including good ole Stella.

Stella: Ohhh! I do like the cold air box.

Me: And you can still watch the Picture Box. They are not in the way. They may even start watching it with you.

Stella: I don’t like new neighbors. You tell them that they had better behave themselves.

Bulldog Hobbies – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 1, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I try to keep order within the pack, but that does not always work. Wiggles! Out of the trash. You know the humans don’t like that!

Me: The humans don’t like trash diving, not just because it is messy, and we have to clean it up, but because it is dangerous for you, Wiggles. You may swallow something that can get stuck down in your insides and make you really sick.

Wiggles: I don’t mind.

Me: I mind.

Wiggles: But I do that for fun. Don’t humans do things just because they are fun things to do?

Me: Sure. We have all kinds of hobbies.

Wiggles: Trash diving is my hobby.

Me: For you, trash diving is dangerous.

Wiggles: Don’t humans have dangerous hobbies?

Me: Sometimes.

Tiger: Like what? Like what? I want to do a dangerous human hobby. I don’t have any hobbies.

Doodlebug: Your hobby is scratching your rear end.

Tiger: Hush, Doodle! We don’t talk about that!

Doodlebug: Don’t you enjoy doing that?

Tiger: Yes.

Doodlebug: Didn’t Lady Human say that hobbies are things done just for fun?

Tiger: Itchy rear ends are NOT fun. But… I do enjoy the scratching…but that is not a hobby.

Miss Sweetie: Stop interrupting, Doodle! Tell us, what is a dangerous human hobby, Lady Human?

Me: Oh, mountain climbing can be, like climbing Mt. Everest, for example.

Miss Sweetie: I want to climb Mt. Everest. What is Mt. Everest?

Me: Sorry, honey, that’s not going to happen. Pick another hobby. Something you already do and enjoy.

Miss Sweetie: Oh, oh! Swimming. I love to swim in my puppy pool.

Me: That’s a great one, though you may want to choose a different one for cold weather.

Stella: Oh, I know mine! I enjoy sitting on your bed, Lady Human, and having you scratch and massage and pet me and talk to me. I could do that all day, every day.

Me: Good one!

Tiger: Okay, I have one. I enjoy gnawing a good, tough chew toy. I really feel better after I have done that.

Me: That’s another excellent hobby for a bulldog.

Wiggles: Mine is trash diving.

Me: No, Wiggles, we need to work on yours. How about when you dive into the rag box and take a long nap? You enjoy that.

Wiggles: Yes, but napping is not a hobby. It is a way of life.

Me: Okay, well, we’ll work on that. What about you, Doodlebug?

Doodlebug: I enjoy wandering all over the yard and searching out a nice, fresh pile of…

Me: Nope.

Doodlebug: But I do enjoy eating a nice, fresh, overlooked pile of…

Me: Nope. Not acceptable. Not a hobby.

Doodlebug: I enjoy the hunt. I enjoy the find. How is that not a hobby?

Junk Food – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 31, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. We are about to enjoy an evening snack as soon as Lady Human says it has cooled down enough. I am looking forward…ew, who has bad breath?

Me: Since he just this second walked in from outside, you have one guess.

Stella; Doodlebug! Aaaaggghh! Gag! Gag! Gag!

Me: I caught him off in the corner of the yard where he evidently located a ‘snack’.

Tiger: Pee-yoo. Doodle, we’re about to have a real food snack. Why are you eating leftovers outside?

Doodlebug: I’m hungry now. Why wait?

Wiggles: Because that nasty stuff out there is waste.

Doodlebug: But you raid the waste basket all the time.

Wiggles: That’s different. That’s indoor waste. It’s fresher and only stinks in a good way.

Miss Sweetie: All Doodle is doing is what the humans call ‘recycling’. I thought that was a good thing.

Me: Mmmmm. Different. We don’t eat our recyclables. Especially not that kind of recyclable.

Stella: That stuff we leave outside is no better than junk food, Doodle boy. And, speaking of food, where is that good food snack you promised us, Lady Human? It should be cool enough by this time.

Me: Here it comes. Scrambled eggs.

Stella: I hope you left room for real food, Doodlebug. If not, I will be happy to take yours.

Doodlebug: Not necessary, Aunt Stella. I always have room for more. Bring it on!

If It Looks Like a Snake and Sounds Like a Snake – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 28, 2018 by H.J. Hill

Stella: There’s a big snake loose in my house! Oh, excuse me. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. There’s a big snake loose in my house!

Me: Now, Stella, we’ve been over this before.

Stella: There’s a big snake loose in my house and, as usual, Lady Human is doing nothing to stop it.

Tiger: Look! It is wrestling with Tall Man! And Tall Man is losing!

Me: Tiger! Stella! Calm down! It is not a snake!

Stella: I know a snake when I see one! I have watched plenty of nature shows on the Picture Box. I am an expert.

Wiggles: I can stop it! My mouth is plenty big.

Me: Y’all need to calm down before you overheat.

Doodlebug: Better to overheat than to be eaten by a giant snake!

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human, please don’t let me get eaten by a giant snake!

Me: Nobody is getting eaten by any snake. That is the hose on Tall Man’s shop vac. You have all seen it before.

Tiger: No.

Stella: Nope.

Wiggles: Not me.

Doodlebug: Me either.

Miss Sweetie: I’ve seen it before in one of my bad dreams. No. Wait. That was a big stick.

Me: Listen to me, please! He is doing a few minutes of heavy cleaning in here. It is so warm outside that he didn’t want to put you outside. But you have to stay calm.

Tiger: Calm? What’s that?

Stella: It means we are to stay still while a giant snake eats us.

Me: Stella, that is not a snake. And it is not going to eat anybody. It is sucking up dirt and dog hair.

Stella: You see! It sucks up dog hair but not cat hair! It has come to destroy us!

Me: Well, it sucks up both. It’s just that there is so much more dog hair in here than cat hair. All right, there! It’s off and he is taking it away.

Doodlebug: Yay! Tall Man won the battle. The great big snake lost!

Wiggles: Finally. I’m exhausted. Nap time.

Miss Sweetie: Where did the snake go?

Me: It’s not a snake, Sweetie. And the shop vac is stored in the garage.

Miss Sweetie: The big snake lives in the garage? I don’t like that. I go out there sometimes. What if it tries to eat me?

Me: I give up.

Stop Repeating Yourself – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 26, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger: Ruff!

Stella: What?

Tiger: Ruff! Ruff!

Stella: Stop it!

Tiger: Ruff! Ruff!

Stella: Stop it!

Tiger: No!

Stella: Stop it!

Tiger: No!

Stella: Stop it!

Tiger: No!

Me: Okay, now I am saying stop it to both of you. What’s going on?

Stella: Tiger is being annoying. She is barking for no reason.

Me: Is something wrong, Tiger?

Tiger: My rear end itches.

Me: Well, that’s a reason.

Stella: Nope! I speak fluent bulldoggese and that is not what she was saying!

Me: What was she saying then?

Stella: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! That is not even a real word, Lady Human. She was repeating herself over and over and over and over…

Me: Sort of like what you are doing now?

Stella: …and over and over…

Me: Here, Tiger, let me scratch the itchy spot.

Stella: Oh, so she gets free scratching as a reward for being annoying and repeating herself over and over and over…

Me: Scratching is always free. I do not charge for it.

Stella: In that case, ruff! Ruff ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

Shut Your Mouth! A Bug Might Fly In – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 25, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air has turned warm. Spring has covered the trees with leaves. The sky is clear, sometimes. Everything smells wonderful and…ploof…spew…blegh! Aaaghh!

Me: And flies. Flies enjoy warm weather, too.

Stella: Where did it go? Let me at it! Snap! Snap!

Me: You don’t really want to eat a fly, do you?

Stella: Eat? No! Smoosh in my big bulldog mouth? Yes! Oh, it’s too fast. And it can fly. Hey, is that why humans call them ‘flies’?

Me: Could be.

Stella: Why should flies be allowed to ruin my springtime fun?

Me: With warmer weather come insects. They have been waiting their turn.

Stella: Get rid of them. They are buzzing my face. They are trying to invade my mouth.

Me: Keep your mouth shut then.

Stella: Easy for you to say. I’m a bulldog.

Me: They are not flying into my mouth because I don’t let my mouth hang open.

Stella: They are not flying into your mouth because you barely have a mouth. I have never understood how humans can shovel enough food into their tiny mouths to stay alive.

Me: Well, at least we don’t have flies using our tongues as landing strips.

Stella: Wait! Look! There’s a big one. Come on, fella! Right over here! And… SNAP! Awwwggghh! Missed! Don’t fly away! Come back here, you coward!

Me: Escaping from a bulldog’s open mouth. Is that cowardice or uncommon good sense for a fly?

Don’t Eat Unidentified Stuff Off the Floor – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 24, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is acting weird which is not weird but is still bothersome. Lady Human, why are you staring at the ground?

Me: I’m looking for something.

Stella: A treat? Let me help you.

Me: No, not a treat.

Stella: Can’t be worth much then.

Me: It’s not.

Stella: Then why are you looking for it? What is it that is so important?

Me: It’s a cheap little earring. It fell out and I don’t know where.

Stella: That’s what you get for wearing things in your ears.

Me: I need to find it before one of you finds it and eats it.

Stella: Why would we eat one of your ear thingies? Does it taste good?

Me: No, but the way y’all gobble whatever you locate on the ground, I can’t take the chance of you coming across it before I do. I’ve looked everywhere.

Stella: Ask the Great Creator where it is. He knows everything.

Me: Good idea. I just don’t want anyone to chew on it or swallow it and get hurt. Help us, LORD.

Stella: Look over here.

Me: I already did, about ten times.

Stella: Look again at this little thing that is not food, is not a treat, and looks like one of the bizarre dangly things that you wear in your ears.

Me: That’s it! Praise the LORD! No more worry about a bulldog swallowing it. But I looked over here.

Stella: You know what I think?

Me: What?

Stella: I think the Great Creator heard your prayer.

Me: Amen.

Stella: You know what else I think?

Me: What?

Stella: I think the Great Creator wouldn’t mind at all if you rewarded your faithful bulldog with a real treat for not eating an earring off the floor.

The Revolving Door – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 21, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Are you back from your vacation?

Stella: Maybe. Maybe not. It remains to be seen.

Tiger: Open the big door, please. I need to go outside.

Me: Okay. Go ahead. Not too long though. It’s pretty warm today.

Doodlebug: Why is Tiger going outside?

Me: I guess because she needs to go potty.

Doodlebug: I want to go outside, too. Do I have to go potty?

Me: Well…no…not necessarily. Okay. Go ahead. No fussing or fighting. Do you need me to go with you?

Doodlebug: No, I can potty on my own.

Me: Well, I understand that. I don’t want you to get into a fuss with Tiger.

Doodlebug: Okay. I’ll wait. Tiger acts weird when she is outside. She thinks the whole yard belongs to her.

Me: Yeah. Tiger is a little touchy. I understand why, but we have to work with her. Oh, here she comes now.

Tiger: Done and done.

Miss Sweetie: Me. Me. Me. I need to go outside.

Me: Very well. How about you and Doodlebug and Wiggles all go out together? Less in and out.

Miss Sweetie: Never mind. I don’t need to go.

Wiggles: Of course, you do, Sweetie. You always need to go.

Me: All right. Here’s the deal. Everybody out or everybody in.

Stella: How rude! Bathroom freedom!

Me: Even my own parents had a rule about the in and out at this hot time of year. Go out or stay in. No revolving door. It sucks the air conditioning out.

Wiggles: What is air conditioning?

Me: It’s that wonderful machine that chills the air.

Wiggles: I like that machine.

Me: Well, the revolving door taxes its strength. We need a better system than popping up and down and always wanting to go out or come in.

Stella: A system? Like you tell me when I need to go potty? Nope. I am the only one to say when I need to go potty. Bathroom freedom for all! Long live the revolving door!

Afraid of the Dark – Conversations with Stella and Tiger

Posted on May 20, 2018 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella? Hello?

Stella: Huh? What?

Me: It’s time to help with Tiger.

Stella: Excuse me. I am watching the Picture Box. Hellooo…

Me: What about the whole “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” thing?

Stella: That only pops up when I am not on vacation. What’s the problem?

Me: Tiger doesn’t want to go out because it is dark.

Stella: So?

Me: She needs to go out at least to potty.

Stella: Don’t you think she knows that?

Me: But she is letting her fear of the dark control her.

Stella: You are the human. You are in charge. I am watching TV.

Me: Oh, great.

Stella: She won’t listen to me anyway. Watch. Hey, Tiger, you are being dumb. Go outside and pee.

Tiger: Shut up, you! You’re not the boss of me!

Stella: See? She doesn’t listen to me. She just wants to fight. You’re on your own, Lady Human.

Me: All right. Tiger, go out.

Tiger: Nope.

Me: Tiger, go out now.

Tiger: No way. I’m not going out there.

Me: Why not?

Tiger: It’s dark. I don’t know what’s out there.

Me: The same thing that was out there this afternoon.

Tiger: How do I know that?

Me: Take my word for it.

Tiger: Well…hmm…nope. How do I know it’s the same out there? How do I know that ugly monsters aren’t lurking out there in the shadows?

Me: Oh, all right. I’ll go out in front of you and I’ll stay outside until you are ready to come back in.

Tiger: Really?

Me: Yes, follow me.

Tiger: All right…Promise you won’t leave me.

Me: I won’t. I’ll be right over here. Can you see me?

Tiger: No, but I hear your voice. I can hear you breathing. I can tell by your scent that you are there. You won’t leave me?

Me: Nope. I’m right here until you come home.

Tiger: That’s all right then. The dark isn’t so dark when you are there.

Me: Are you ready to go back inside?

Tiger: Yes.

Me: Let’s go in the house then.

Stella: Great! Can everybody hush now so I can finish watching my show? No one has any respect for television anymore.

The Queen Has To Be The Queen All the Time – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 18, 2018 by H.J. Hill

Me: The barking is deafening. What’s going on? Stella?

Stella: Huh?

Me: The whole pack just erupted in barking and I can’t tell why. So… why?

Stella: I don’t know. Whatever.

Me: Excuse me, but where is the Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges?

Tiger: Right here. Ready to take over.

Me: It was a rhetorical question, Tiger.

Tiger: Still ready, willing, and able, ma’am.

Me: Maybe you can tell me what caused the outburst just now.

Miss Sweetie: I can! I can! Me! Me! Me!

Me: You caused it, or you know why, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: Both. Wait. What was the question?

Doodlebug: You started barking because of the cat.

Wiggles: No, I started barking because of the cat.

Me: Stella, why did everyone start barking at the cat? She was sitting on top of the big chair, minding her own business.

Stella: I don’t know.

Me: Why not?

Stella: I was watching the Picture Box. That show with big waves and humans turning around fast was on. I love that show!

Me: But you are the Queen. I count on you to let me know what’s going on.

Stella: Oh, all right. I did hear the cat. She was hacking up one of those yucky globs of goo and hair, and the others thought it was a big deal.

Me: Moon was hacking up a hairball? That’s what started all the barking?

Stella: Yeah, it’s a pretty ugly noise, but not enough to interrupt a good Picture Box show.

Me: But you are the Queen.

Stella: Even the Queen needs a day off now and then.

That’s My Foot You’re Standing On – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 17, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My feet feel so comfortable like they are standing on clouds.

Me: That’s MY foot you’re standing on.

Stella: No, I’m pretty sure I am standing on my own feet.

Me: I mean you are standing on top of MY foot. Look.

Stella: I just see my feet. You are so sensitive.

Me: I am when a 50-pound bulldog is standing on my foot.

Stella: Oh, I see. Why is your foot underneath mine?

Me: Just slid under there, I guess.

Stella: Then why are you complaining? Besides, I only have one foot on top of yours so that can’t be my whole 50 pounds. Okay, there! I’m not standing on your precious foot.

Miss Sweetie: I’ll stand on it for you, Lady Human.

Me: Sweetie, no! Ow!

Miss Sweetie: Ow! Is that like ‘Thank you’?

Doodlebug: Nope. It’s like ‘Stop it’. I know. She says that to me all the time when we are outside. I don’t know why.

Tiger: Y’all are so dumb.

Wiggles: I’m not dumb. What does ‘dumb’ mean?

Tiger: Don’t step on humans. Don’t step on dogs. Don’t even step on cats.

Stella: Oh, I draw the line there. I absolutely will step on a cat, given the chance. Please give me the chance.

Me: Everybody, just watch where you step. You are not weightless.

Stella: Not weightless? Are you trying to insult me?

Outside the Closed Door – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 14, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Knock, knock.

Me: Who’s there?

Stella: I just said. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Come on in.

Stella: The door is closed.

Me: Just bump it open with your nose.

Stella: I’m not sure.

Me: Why? Come on it.

Stella: What’s in there?

Me: You’ve seen my room. You sleep in it every night,

Stella: Why is the door closed?

Me: Humans need privacy sometimes from other humans…and bulldogs.

Stella: So I should not come in.

Me: No, you should come in. I am inviting you.

Stella: Open the door then.

Me: I can’t reach it right now. Just bump it with your nose.

Stella: Easy for you to say. I don’t see you bumping doors open with your nose.

Me: I’ve seen you do it before.

Stella: What if I open the door and you are not there? Closed doors are mysterious.

Me: You can hear me.

Stella: What if I bump the door open and I get trapped in your room.

Me: Not big deal. I will let you out.

Stella: You will open the door?

Me: Sure.

Stella: So, open the door now. I knew you were holding back on me.

How Many Holidays Do You Humans Have Anyway? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 13, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It has happened again. Lady Human is celebrating some bizarre human holiday. The more she celebrates, the less we see her.

Me: Oh, come on! I hardly ever go anywhere. Celebrations are few and far between.

Stella: You had one last night and came home past curfew.

Me: No bulldog curfews for humans, remember?

Stella: Then you had 2 outings today.

Me: One was church. One was lunch with family. I don’t see the problem. It was, after all, Mother’s Day.

Stella: A poor excuse for depriving a bulldog of constant attention.

Me: Humans have their needs, Stella.

Stella: Like what?

Me: Well, like talking to other humans about things other than…well, other than dogs.

Stella: You do not talk about dogs on these outings?

Me: No. Not always. I mean, I did at church this morning. A visitor had just gotten a 4-month-old English Bulldog and she was asking me lots of questions.

Stella: Let me get this straight…

Me: By all means, please do.

Stella: This human left her bulldog at home to go to church, which I still don’t understand, so she could ask questions about her bulldog. Is that what you do at church? And why is that allowed?

Me: We talk about lots of stuff at church. Of course, it’s allowed. Her dog is fine, and I gave her lots of resources to look up.

Stella: Very well. Church meetings about bulldogs are all right.

Me: That’s not what church is…Never mind.

Stella: It sounds to me like you humans are out of control again. It sounds to me like you need to show me your calendar, so I can scratch out holidays that are not necessary.

Me: Nope.

Stella: But I can…

Me: Nope.

Stella: It’s just so…

Me: Nope.

Stella: Typical.

The Tongues of Humans – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 12, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been very naughty.

Me: No bulldog has a right to call me naughty. Look in a mirror.

Stella: You were gone twice today. Not once, but twice. That is one…two…that’s two times too many. What is your excuse?

Me: Well, this evening I met one of my daughters for dinner for Mother’s Day. She is going on a business trip tomorrow and won’t be here.

Stella: Not good enough. Why were you gone the other time?

Me: I went to study in my Gaelic class.

Stella: Why would anyone study garlic. Dogs can’t even have garlic though it would be wonderful if we could. It smells delicious.

Me: Not garlic. Gaelic. It is the native tongue of Ireland.

Stella: What does that even mean? You went away from us to study a tongue. You could have stayed here and studied our tongues. We are happy to show our tongues.

Me: Sorry, I should have said ‘language’. I went to study the Irish language.

Stella: You can’t explain anything to us in your own language and now you are studying another one? Wait a minute. Were there Irish dogs at this class? Were you out talking to other dogs?

Me: Don’t be silly. You can smell my clothes and tell that there were not.

Stella: Forget Irish. You ought to work on your English Bulldoggese. It leaves much to be desired.

Bulldog It! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 11, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are strong. Bulldogs are tough. Bulldogs are warriors. Bulldogs are rough. Bulldogs are…

Me: Is this a poem you are writing?

Stella: No, what would make you think that?

Me: Well, the rhyming.

Stella: What’s rhyming?

Me: Never mind.

Stella: I was making a point about what bulldogs are that you are not.

Me: Okay, I guess. Hey, is that sort of an insult?

Stella: It’s not sort of an insult. It is an insult. Bulldogs don’t do things sort of. For example, what are you doing with your hands?

Me: I’m trying to get this big bag to the front for bulk trash week.

Stella: If you are trying, it will never get done. Take the advice of a bulldog.

Me: Oh, my, has it come to that?

Stella: Why can’t you just move it?

Me: It’s heavy and bulky, hence the term ‘bulk trash’.

Stella: Pull on it.

Me: I am.

Stella: Not enough. Bulldog it!

Me: I am.

Stella: You call that bulldoggy! Pull!

Me: I am.

Stella: Stop playing with it and BULLDOG IT!

Me: Okay, I got it. It’s moving!

Stella: That’s the way to bulldog it! Now go get that other ugly bag over there. It’s in my way when I go potty.

Me: I haven’t even finished moving this bag yet.

Stella: A bulldog would never use that as an excuse.

Free Speech for Dogs Squared – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on May 7, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t tell me not to speak!

Me: If by ‘speak’ you mean ‘bark’, yes, I will ask you not to speak.

Stella: You are violating my rights.

Me: Tall Man and the baby just walked into the house and you all erupted in loud barking. That is not free speech. That is just excited noise.

Stella: Which we have a right to express whenever we wish.

Me: Nope.

Stella: How can you call yourself an American, whatever that is.

Me: Easily. I know the difference between speech and noise.

Stella: I don’t see a difference. If I want to open my mouth, I have a right to.

Me: And you are opening your mouth because…why?

Tiger: I feel like it.

Wiggles: Everyone else is doing it.

Doodlebug: I have a great voice.

Miss Sweetie: I don’t know.

Stella: I am the queen. Divine right of queens.

Me: I have an idea. How about a snack?

Stella: Okay.

Tiger: I’ll take that.

Wiggles: Whatever you say.

Miss Sweetie: A big snack or a little snack?

Doodlebug: Ready when you are.

Me: And the free speech debate?

Stella: Free what?

	H.J. Hill on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	u2hearts on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	Jamie P. on Welcome to Simpleton –…
	u2hearts on Nasty! – Conversations w…
	u2hearts on Human Mismanagement – Co…

	H.J. Hill on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	u2hearts on Toe Stomp – Conversation…
	Jamie P. on Welcome to Simpleton –…
	u2hearts on Nasty! – Conversations w…
	u2hearts on Human Mismanagement – Co…