Free Speech for Dogs Squared – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t tell me not to speak!

Me:        If by ‘speak’ you mean ‘bark’, yes, I will ask you not to speak.

Stella:    You are violating my rights.

Me:        Tall Man and the baby just walked into the house and you all erupted in loud barking. That is not free speech. That is just excited noise.

Stella:    Which we have a right to express whenever we wish.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    How can you call yourself an American, whatever that is.

Me:        Easily. I know the difference between speech and noise.

Stella:    I don’t see a difference. If I want to open my mouth, I have a right to.

Me:        And you are opening your mouth because…why?

Tiger:     I feel like it.

Wiggles:   Everyone else is doing it.

Doodlebug:   I have a great voice.

Miss Sweetie:    I don’t know.

Stella:    I am the queen. Divine right of queens.

Me:        I have an idea. How about a snack?

Stella:    Okay.

Tiger:     I’ll take that.

Wiggles:   Whatever you say.

Miss Sweetie:    A big snack or a little snack?

Doodlebug:   Ready when you are.

Me:        And the free speech debate?

Stella:    Free what?

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

That’s My Baby! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The human puppy visited again today.

Me:        Stella…

Stella:    Oh, all right. Lady Human insists that humans do not have puppies, so I will humor her. The little human visited again today. Humans do not grow as fast as dogs which means that the human baby is still very small compared to a grown human. They don’t speak as clearly as grown humans either.

Me:        And this baby does not understand bulldogs or their language yet. She thinks you all are just very loud.

Stella:    Do we scare her? Are our faces too ugly for her?

Me:        You are the largest dogs she has ever seen. I don’t think you scare her as much as you concern her. And no, I don’t think she considers you ugly, just different. She is still very young.

Stella:    How long did it take for her eyes to open?

Me:        Humans are born with their eyes open.

Stella:    No! Really? That’s cool. The only thing we have open those first days are our noses and our mouths.

Me:        The most important items for a puppy, no doubt.

Stella:    I heard the human puppy…sorry, I mean the baby. Humans are so picky about what they call things. Anyway, I stayed real quiet outside her door. She was making the most wonderful noises. They weren’t human words that I know, but they were beautiful. They sounded so…bulldoggy.

Me:        They did?

Stella:    Yes. Especially when she got to one sound that I love and recognize so well. It was when she said, “Pffft!” It made me so proud. She will make a great bulldog someday.

Me:        Stella, we’ve talked about why that won’t happen.

Stella:    I know. I know. Still, she can say “Pffft!” at such an early age. That’s my human baby!

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Dangerous Phrases – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans are the silliest creatures I know, sillier even than squirrels and that is saying a lot.

Me:        Why are we silly now?

Stella:    I heard what you said earlier.

Me:        I said a lot of things earlier. Nobody listened.

Stella:    You said one thing that everybody heard.

Me:        Oh, yeah. But that was just gibberish.

Stella:    Don’t call Bulldoggese gibberish!

Me:        I said, “Wah! Wah! Waaahhh!” It was a joke.

Stella:    And did you see what happened when you said it?

Me:        Wiggles, Snoopey, and Miss Sweetie jumped to their feet. Do you mean…

Stella:    They heard, “Get up!” So, they got up.

Me:        But you, Doodlebug, and Tiger didn’t move. You didn’t bat an eye.

Stella:    I batted an eye. I just didn’t get up. I didn’t want to.

Me:        Bulldoggy.

Stella:    Always.

Me:        I didn’t know what I was saying. I was just making a funny noise.

Stella:    Be careful of your funny noises, Lady Human. In Bulldoggese, you may be telling us to take over your human kingdom.

Me:        But you wouldn’t try to do that, would you?

Stella:   Mmmm.

Me:        Stella?

Stella:    Hmmm.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Watch Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, salute you, humans! I am here in support of what you call ‘free speech’. Rahrrrh! Grreghhh! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella?

Stella:    Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella!

Stella:    Don’t silence my free speech, Lady Human! Now where was I? Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella, hello!

Stella:    Lady Human, you are interrupting my freedom of speech. That is what you humans call ‘unmerico’!

Me:        The word you are searching for is ‘un-American’. And freedom of speech is not just walking around shouting ‘free speech’ over and over again. There is a lot more to it than that.

Stella:    What?

Me:        Responsibility. Truth. Courage. Clarity. Wisdom. Honor.

Stella:    Words, words, words. Blah, blah, blah. BORING! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella, you are being so loud!

Stella:    That’s what they all say when you are saying what they do not want to hear.

Me:        What are you saying that I don’t want to hear?

Stella:    I thought I was clear. Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        If this is a ploy to do more empty barking, it won’t work.

Stella:    You cannot stop our bulldog mouths. Free Speech! Free…

Me:        Oh, what’s this? A fresh package of your favorite treats. Let me just open this up and…

Stella:    Here! Right in my mouth! Now!

Me:        So, free speech can be silenced.

Stella:    Free what? Oh, whatever. Free treats! Free treats! Free treats!

Me:         Didn’t you have something you wanted to say?

Stella:    Not now, Lady Human! I’m too busy chewing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Speech! Speech! Speech! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Allow me to interrupt.

Stella:   Why not? You do all the time even without permission.

Me:        Only as necessary, so yes, just about all the time. What was that horrible throaty noise you were making to the other dogs? It sounded like gargling embedded in a whine.

Stella:   You have no appreciation for bulldoggese! Horrible? Gargling? Whine?

Me:        That’s what it sounded like to my human ears.

Stella:   I was giving a speech to my followers. You humans understand this. I have been hearing nothing but speeches from your human overlords for many days now.

Me:        Uh, excuse me. We don’t have human overlords. Not that some humans don’t try to lord it over us.

Stella:   That’s not what I was hearing on the Picture Box. And if you humans make speeches, why can’t I make one…or two…or a few more to my bulldogs?

Me:        What were you saying to the bulldogs?

Stella:   I told them that humans talk a lot and say very little. I told them that they were not to worry about that. I told them that they are not responsible for human speech that means nothing. I told them to ignore the cat, too. She talks entirely too much and nothing she says makes any sense. And I told them that if they don’t understand something that a human tells them to do, they should just start barking and the humans will give up.

Me:        Oh, thank you, Stella, that is so helpful.

Stella:   You are welcome.

Me:        No wonder the bulldogs are barking so much!

Stella:   I am their Queen. They do listen to me. Sometimes.  Do humans listen to their leaders when they make speeches?

Me:        Mmmmm.

Stella:   Maybe I should start making speeches to the humans. Maybe they would listen to me.

Me:        You know, Stella, under the current circumstances, it couldn’t hurt.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.