Words to Ignore – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I now understand millions and billions of human words.

Me:        I wouldn’t go quite that far.

Stella:    Trillions and quadrillions.

Me:        No, you’re headed the wrong direction.

Stella:    Well, however many, I know a whole lot. And I have learned that some human words are wastes of time and should not be used.

Me:        Dare I ask?

Stella:    Sure. Why not?

Me:        Because I may be entering a quagmire.

Stella:    What’s a ‘quagmire’?

Me:        That’s not one of your quadrillion known words, I take it.

Stella:    Anybody can come up with one.

Me:        All right. I’ll play the game. What words should be ignored?

Stella:    No.

Me:        Why not?

Stella:    No, the word ‘no’ should be ignored.

Me:        Well, explains a lot.

Stella:    Instead of ‘no’, substitute the words, ‘Please go ahead and do as you wish.’ That will save humans and bulldogs lots of time and energy.

Me:        That’s quite a mouthful. ‘No’ is a lot shorter and gets to the actual point.

Stella:    It’s your time to waste, Lady Human. Another word to ignore is the word ‘sit’. If we want to sit, we most certainly will and there is little that can be done to stop us. Oh, which brings me to another word we ignore. That word is ‘stop’. Don’t even bother with that one.

Me:        Okay…

Stella:    ‘Okay’ is okay, mainly because we already give ourselves permission to do what we want anyway. If you say, “Okay’, understand that we have said it first.

Me:        I give up.

Stella:    That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long, long time.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Am I a ‘People’? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My question today is ‘Am I a people?’ Lady Human, you are the expert on human words. Am I a people or not?

Me:        Well, technically not…

Stella:    What!

Me:        …because the word ‘people’ is plural…

Stella:    More nonsense.

Me:        Which means two or more and you are only one.

Stella:    Yes, I am the one and only Stella.

Me:        True, you are the one and only of yourself, but there are other Stellas.

Stella:    So, me and all the other Stellas are people.

Me:        Again, not technically…

Stella:    What!

Me:        …because the word ‘people’ means ‘human beings’.

Stella:    Woah! Hold on there! You are saying that we Stellas can’t be people because we are not human?

Me:        I am sure that there are some human Stellas out there so the word ‘people’ refers only to them.

Stella:    Well, I never! How selfish can humans get?

Me:        Pretty doggone selfish sometimes. And then, other times, we do better.

Stella:    Stealing words and saying that non-humans can’t use them!

Me:        You realize, don’t you, that we are talking about human language? Words that humans speak? To other humans?

Stella:    Pfffftt! I hear you speaking human words to me all the time, words that you expect me to understand. And then you change the meaning of the words. ‘This means this and that means that, but now, all of a sudden, without warning, that means this and this means that other thing.’ Pfffftt!

Me:        Okay, but you have dog words that we humans can’t even pronounce. Like that ‘pfffftt’ thing that you do with your mouth.

Stella:    Pfffftt! There! That’s how you say it. Easy.

Me:        Pift.

Stella:    No, like this. Put your lips like this.

Me:        Puft.

Stella:    No, keep your lips tight over your teeth.

Me:        Pheesh.

Stella:    No. Please stop. Don’t even try anymore. Dog words sound terrible coming out of your mouth.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Watch Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, salute you, humans! I am here in support of what you call ‘free speech’. Rahrrrh! Grreghhh! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella?

Stella:    Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella!

Stella:    Don’t silence my free speech, Lady Human! Now where was I? Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella, hello!

Stella:    Lady Human, you are interrupting my freedom of speech. That is what you humans call ‘unmerico’!

Me:        The word you are searching for is ‘un-American’. And freedom of speech is not just walking around shouting ‘free speech’ over and over again. There is a lot more to it than that.

Stella:    What?

Me:        Responsibility. Truth. Courage. Clarity. Wisdom. Honor.

Stella:    Words, words, words. Blah, blah, blah. BORING! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        Stella, you are being so loud!

Stella:    That’s what they all say when you are saying what they do not want to hear.

Me:        What are you saying that I don’t want to hear?

Stella:    I thought I was clear. Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me:        If this is a ploy to do more empty barking, it won’t work.

Stella:    You cannot stop our bulldog mouths. Free Speech! Free…

Me:        Oh, what’s this? A fresh package of your favorite treats. Let me just open this up and…

Stella:    Here! Right in my mouth! Now!

Me:        So, free speech can be silenced.

Stella:    Free what? Oh, whatever. Free treats! Free treats! Free treats!

Me:         Didn’t you have something you wanted to say?

Stella:    Not now, Lady Human! I’m too busy chewing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Mine! Mine! Mine! – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, et cetera.

Me:        Hello, what?

Stella:    It means ‘and so forth and so on’.

Me:        I know what it means. Where did you learn that?

Stella:    The Picture Box had a bald man inside and he said it again and again. I liked the way he made it sound, so I claimed it. It is now mine.

Me:        I think you must have seen Yul Brynner. He was an actor.

Stella:    Well, he surely knew how to say ‘et cetera’. But that phrase is mine now.

Me:        You can’t just claim a phrase that everybody uses…

Stella:    Yes, I can. Mine. See! That simple.

Me:        You can’t declare some common words to be yours…

Stella:    Mine! Done!

Me:        You can say it all you wish, but you can’t keep others from saying it.

Stella:    Yes, I can!

Me:        Why?

Stella:    Because, you know…Queen. You have a short memory, Lady Human.

Me:        Oh, Stella.

Stella:    That’s my name. I claim that, too. Mine! Nobody else can be Stella.

Me:        I believe that there are a lot of Stellas out there who would dispute that.

Stella:    Dispute. Okay. That’s mine, too. Claimed! Done!

Me:        Language is to be shared, not hoarded.

Stella:    Not anymore. It’s mine, all mine. Except for some words that I don’t like. For example, the word “no”, the word “stop”, the word “down”, the word “enough”. There are others that I don’t favor, but I don’t remember all of them. For now, I am not claiming these. I am freezing them so that they cannot be used against me.

Me:        I think this queen thing has gone to your head.

Stella:    Being queen is not a thing. It is me. Who I am. After all, someone has to be in charge. And the humans don’t seem to be. Therefore, MINE!

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me:        Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella:    Uh-oh.

Me:        Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella:    Nothing.

Me:        Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella:    Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me:        Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella:    You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me:        What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella:    Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella:    Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me:        I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella:    Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me:        That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella:    Oh.

Me:        Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella:    Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me:        Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella:    I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 2 – Stella’s Blog

I am Stella, Queen and Dictionarist for the Olde English Bulldogges. (How many words am I supposed to put in my dictionary?)

(Transcriptionist: That is up to you, but the more the better.)

Stella: Uh-oh. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. But I am a bulldog. I can handle a big mouthful, given enough time.

The Humans Say:

Sit!

The Bulldog Definition:

Put your rear end on the ground unless you don’t want to, in which case, stand or lie down as you wish. “Sit” is one of those words by which the humans mean, “Stay in place. I am in control.” Of course, we all know that they are not in control. We are bulldogs.

 

The Humans Say:

Stay!

The Bulldog Definition:

Move! Run! Roll around! Take a walk! Whatever you do, do not stay still! This human command is vague at best. Stay? For how long? What if it starts to rain? What if it starts to snow?

(Even in Texas, that is a possibility.)

 

The Humans Say:

Stop!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop what? Immediately examine what you are doing. Humans use this command when you have something in your mouth or when you are standing on top of furniture or if you are using the toilet in the house. They are very sensitive about what we eat, where we stand, and where we use the bathroom.

(I don’t really understand why.)

 

The Humans Say:

Drop it!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop and think. What do you have in your mouth? Even if you think you have a right to what is in your mouth, go ahead and drop it.

(It may have sentimental value to the humans. Or it may taste great but be bad for you. The humans are good about trying to save us from our desire to eat everything.)

 That is all for now, bulldogs. Thank you for your divided attention. (I know that you were thinking about what you are going to eat next.)

Signed,

Queen Stella

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Kind of Accent is That? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella.

Me:        No “Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” this time?

Stella:    It goes without saying, though I will probably have to keep on saying it to remind everyone. Humans and bulldogs forget so easily.

Me:        What is the issue of the day?

Stella:    You talk funny.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Okay, I pardon you, but you still talk funny. And Tall Man does, too. You don’t sound like a lot of the people on television. I love television. Except for those weird black and white pictures of old humans from a long time ago. Scary. Humans can be ugly.

Me:        Yes, we can be, in more ways than one.

Stella:    So you should not take so many pictures of yourselves. Really scary.

Me:        Okay, thank you for pointing that out again, Stella. What about this talking funny business?

Stella:    Different humans sound different. And now I notice that different dogs sound different.

Me:        Different dogs?

Stella:    There was that dog I met who said he was from Co-lom-bee-yah. What the freak is that?

Me:        Don’t say ‘freak’, Stella. There is more than enough real cussing and fake cussing as it is in the world without bulldogs adding to it.

Stella:    Well, Mr. Co-lom-bee-yah did not understand the word ‘freak’ either. He did not understand anything that I said and I was speaking very plainly. So I want to know why I can understand some humans and some dogs and can’t understand others. Their words sound strange.

Me:        Are you telling me that dogs have different languages and accents the same way humans do?

Stella:    What? I don’t understand.

Me:        The way we pronounce words, the way we say them has to do with accents. The words we say are language. I am speaking English right now.

Stella:    What? Is English that ‘blah, blah, blah, blah” that we hear from you so often?

Me:        Oh, mercy.

Stella:    Now that sounds like that other dog I met, the one from Fran-sah. She said mer-see, mer-see, mer-see all the time. But it still didn’t sound like what you said.

Me:        Where are you meeting all these dogs from other countries?

Stella:    When I am just walking along, minding my own business. They shout at me. I wish I could answer them, but I don’t understand what they are saying. So I just say, What? It is my question for all dogs.

Me:        I had no idea that that is what we were hearing. I thought all dogs understood each other.

Stella:    If we did, we might not have so many fights.

Me:        You know what. That could be true of humans, too.

Stella:    We really need to write those human and dog dictionaries. It might straighten a bunch of problems out.

Me:        Or cause more.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bird Dogs – Can Dogs Fly? – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today’s subject – Bird dogs!

BIRD DOGS! I heard Lady Human talking about bird dogs so she knows about them, too! Dogs can fly! I always knew in my heart that we could. Well, some of us can anyway.

This makes me so happy that I am going to dance. Not fly. Not yet.

But now at least I know that dogs can fly. Imagine what it will be like to fly. I will take a running start – not too fast, of course. I am still a bulldog. When I get up to top speed, I will jump, just a little hop, and off the ground I’ll go and I will just keep going. Flying! A flying dog! That’ll be me!

Wait, Lady Human is saying something. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh.

Well, that’s disappointing. And here I got my hopes up and got excited, all for nothing.

Apparently, the humans are misusing their words again. I don’t even know why they invent words if they are not going to mean what they say.

She says that bird dogs are dogs that help hunters . No flying is involved, not by the dogs anyway.

Why don’t humans say what they mean and mean what they say? Stop it, people! This is why I like talking to dogs. Dogs are honest. Dogs are straightforward. Dogs don’t twist things around.

I suppose now Lady Human is going to tell me that a dragonfly is not a dragon. That a house fly does belong in the house. That a catfish is not a cat that fishes.

It makes me want to cry. I don’t know who to believe.

Humans and their confusing, inexplicable ways.  Why can’t they be more like us? No one ever misunderstands what a dog means.

What? Lady Human is speaking to me again. What do you mean dogs are hard to figure out? Nonsense! You are just not listening. Try harder. I know. Write a human dictionary for dogs and I will write dog dictionary for humans.

What? What do you mean pay for a transcriptionist? That is your job. You pay for things. That is your job, too.

Until next time, dear humans, I will keep trying to make communication between dogs and people plain. I want to make sure that when I ask for a treat, no one misunderstands me.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.