Wait? – What Does That Even Mean? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans do not mean what they say, nor do they say what they mean. It is an age-old problem. I should know. I am ages old.

Me:        What? Just how old do you think you are?

Stella:    Humans say that you are as old as you feel. Today I feel 1,456 years old.

Me:        Very interesting. So you weren’t born in this century. I thought you said that humans do not mean what we say or say what we mean. It’s beginning to sound as though you have that problem, too. I guarantee you that you are not over a thousand years old.

Stella:    Strange words coming from you, Lady Human. You have no sense of time.

Me:        I think my sense of time is…

Stella:    Who wakes the household every morning at the same time? Give or take a few of what you all call ‘minutes’.

Me:        Doodlebug.

Stella:    His stomach works like the toy you call a ‘clock’. Humans have entirely too many toys. Maybe Doodlebug swallowed one.

Me:        Nope. His digestive system operates on a schedule.

Stella:    What I need right now is to go outside and potty…

Me:        Hold on. Wait a couple of minutes until I finish this.

Stella:    A couple? What is a couple?

Me:        More like 5 minutes. Wait 5 minutes.

Stella:    Okay. One…two…three…four…five. Five minutes is up.

Me:        That was only a five count, not five minutes.

Stella:    Humans always say ‘wait’. It must be your most important, most favoritest word.

Me:        Favoritest is not a word.

Stella:    It is now. And now is now! And I have to go potty now! Not 5 minutes from now! Now!

Me:        Oh, okay then. Why didn’t you say so?

Stella:    I did. Unlike humans, I say what I mean and mean what I say as you almost found out.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Read My Mind – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human does not understand me. I need my bulldog/human dictionary, but I have not finished it. Truthfully, I have not even started it yet. It’s not my fault. Naps cut way into my daily schedule.

Me:        Try me.

Stella:    Okay. Try this. Look at my face. Listen to my voice. Mmmmm-shish.

Me:        All right. Do that again.

Stella:    Mmmmm-shish.

Me:        You want to go outside.

Stella:    Nope.

Me:        You want a treat.

Stella:    Nope…well, yeah, always, but not my message.

Me:        Sorry, I don’t know what you are thinking.

Stella:    You see? I need a mind reader.

Me:        Or maybe you need to send a stronger message.

Stella:    Uh, no. I think the problem is on your end, Lady Human. Let’s try again.

Me:        Very well.

Stella:    Mmmmm-shish.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You want to chase the cat.

Stella:    Of course, but no. Try again. Mmmmm-shish.

Me:        Oh, I’ve got it! Snoopey is talking to Moon the Cat and you want them to shut up!

Stella:    Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! What clued you in?

Me:        The disgusted, irritated tone.

Stella:    Good. It finally came through. Remember that tone for future reference.

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Who’s a What? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a good girl.

Me:        Yes, you are.

Stella:    What am I?

Me:        A good girl.

Stella:    Are you sure?

Me:        Yes. Good girl.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Why what?

Stella:    Why am I a good girl?

Me:        Well, when we go out, you won’t jump on people or attack other dogs.

Stella:    So, I am a good girl because of what I don’t do.

Me:        Yeah…

Stella:    That’s all ‘good girl’ means then.  I don’t act like a jerk when we go out. Okay.

Me:        ‘Good girl’ is shorthand for everything you are. You are trustworthy. I can take you anywhere and not have to worry about your behavior. And when so many people are afraid of bulldogs…

Stella:    I know! Why are they like that?

Me:        Bad experiences, I guess. I don’t know, but ‘good girl’ means I can trust you. And ‘good girl’ means that you don’t try to stuff everything in the house into your mouth. I can leave the room and come back to find the furniture still intact. And ‘good girl’ also means that you do not bark insanely over nothing the way some we know do.

Stella:    Name names. Oh, let me! Snoopey. Miss Sweetie. And Tiger, every other day. Say more about me!

Me:        You have a sweet temper. You are patient when I have a lot to do.

Stella:    Like when I wait for the bathroom door to open so I can go potty.

Me:        The back door.

Stella:    That’s what I said. I always wait for the bathroom. I am a good girl.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 2 – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen and Dictionarist for the Olde English Bulldogges. (How many words am I supposed to put in my dictionary?)

(Transcriptionist: That is up to you, but the more the better.)

Stella: Uh-oh. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. But I am a bulldog. I can handle a big mouthful, given enough time.

The Humans Say:

Sit!

The Bulldog Definition:

Put your rear end on the ground unless you don’t want to, in which case, stand or lie down as you wish. “Sit” is one of those words by which the humans mean, “Stay in place. I am in control.” Of course, we all know that they are not in control. We are bulldogs.

 

The Humans Say:

Stay!

The Bulldog Definition:

Move! Run! Roll around! Take a walk! Whatever you do, do not stay still! This human command is vague at best. Stay? For how long? What if it starts to rain? What if it starts to snow?

(Even in Texas, that is a possibility.)

 

The Humans Say:

Stop!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop what? Immediately examine what you are doing. Humans use this command when you have something in your mouth or when you are standing on top of furniture or if you are using the toilet in the house. They are very sensitive about what we eat, where we stand, and where we use the bathroom.

(I don’t really understand why.)

 

The Humans Say:

Drop it!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop and think. What do you have in your mouth? Even if you think you have a right to what is in your mouth, go ahead and drop it.

(It may have sentimental value to the humans. Or it may taste great but be bad for you. The humans are good about trying to save us from our desire to eat everything.)

 That is all for now, bulldogs. Thank you for your divided attention. (I know that you were thinking about what you are going to eat next.)

Signed,

Queen Stella

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.