I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am hereby starting a Dictionary for Bulldogs that will help all bully breeds better to understand humans who, as we know, are not clear in their instructions and who say silly things. My royal remarks are included in what my transcriptionist refers to as italics.
I will begin with a few common words and phrases that humans like to use almost every day:
THE HUMAN SAYS: BULLDOG DEFINITION:
Come! Stay where you are. Humans are always confused.
(For example, does the human mean come to where they are or come into the room where they are or come to a new place where they are going? What?)
Come now! Stay where you are. The human has specified a time but not a place.
Come here now! Stay where you are. Clearer as to time and place, but remember! You are a bulldog.
Come here now! (With treat in hand) Move immediately to the human and receive the offered treat.
(The human should have started with this instruction.)
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stay where you are and stare.
(Humans talk a lot and expect dogs to listen as though we are human and understand everything that they are saying. Show respect by staring. The talking will eventually end and you may get a treat.)
BLAH! BLAH BLAH! BLAH! Stay where you are, stare, and perk your ears up. The human MAY be about to say something important. But maybe not.
Go! Stay where you are and stare at the human. Look as puzzled as possible even if you think you know what the human wants. “Go!” is not a direction.
(Humans believe that we can read their minds. As helpful as that would be, it is not true.)
Go there! Stay where you are, stare at the human, and check for a pointing finger or hand gesture. If there is, then and only then, look in the direction the human is pointing to let them know that you are considering going in that direction.
Go now! Stay where you are, stare, and check for a direction. The “Now” command means the human expects an immediate response. Slowly move in that direction, remembering that you are a bulldog.
(The problem with “Go” is that they never tell you how far to go. Stop when you reach a fence.)
This concludes my dictionary list for now. Thank you for paying attention, bulldogs.
I know how hard that is for you to do.
Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogges
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.