No Catty Remarks, Please – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is a rude, loud mouth and must be ignored. Always.

Me:        What’s this about?

Stella:    Rude. Loud. Mouth. You can’t tell me that you didn’t hear her. Meow. Meow. Meow. Typical.

Me:        It means something to her.

Stella:    She lays up there on top of the big chair, looking down on us from her high perch like she’s all that and a bag of bulldog treats, and she starts making these remarks and I know that she is picking on us and putting us down.

Me:        Maybe she’s saying, ‘Hello!’

Stella:    She sees us every day, Lady Human. Why would she say ‘hello’?

Me:        I doubt she’s insulting you.

Stella:    She’s a cat! Why do you think humans call spiteful comments ‘catty’?

Me:        You know about that?

Stella:    I know a lot of things, Lady Human. You would be surprised.

Me:        I already am, Stella.

Stella:    There is no other choice. I must work on a dog/cat dictionary for the benefit of human and dog kind.

Me:        How are you going to accomplish that?

Stella:    Very carefully. And from a safe distance.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me:        Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella:    Uh-oh.

Me:        Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella:    Nothing.

Me:        Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella:    Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me:        Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella:    You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me:        What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella:    Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella:    Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me:        I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella:    Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me:        That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella:    Oh.

Me:        Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella:    Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me:        Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella:    I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 2 – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen and Dictionarist for the Olde English Bulldogges. (How many words am I supposed to put in my dictionary?)

(Transcriptionist: That is up to you, but the more the better.)

Stella: Uh-oh. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. But I am a bulldog. I can handle a big mouthful, given enough time.

The Humans Say:

Sit!

The Bulldog Definition:

Put your rear end on the ground unless you don’t want to, in which case, stand or lie down as you wish. “Sit” is one of those words by which the humans mean, “Stay in place. I am in control.” Of course, we all know that they are not in control. We are bulldogs.

 

The Humans Say:

Stay!

The Bulldog Definition:

Move! Run! Roll around! Take a walk! Whatever you do, do not stay still! This human command is vague at best. Stay? For how long? What if it starts to rain? What if it starts to snow?

(Even in Texas, that is a possibility.)

 

The Humans Say:

Stop!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop what? Immediately examine what you are doing. Humans use this command when you have something in your mouth or when you are standing on top of furniture or if you are using the toilet in the house. They are very sensitive about what we eat, where we stand, and where we use the bathroom.

(I don’t really understand why.)

 

The Humans Say:

Drop it!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop and think. What do you have in your mouth? Even if you think you have a right to what is in your mouth, go ahead and drop it.

(It may have sentimental value to the humans. Or it may taste great but be bad for you. The humans are good about trying to save us from our desire to eat everything.)

 That is all for now, bulldogs. Thank you for your divided attention. (I know that you were thinking about what you are going to eat next.)

Signed,

Queen Stella

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 1 – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am hereby starting a Dictionary for Bulldogs that will help all bully breeds better to understand humans who, as we  know, are not clear in their instructions and who say silly things. My royal remarks are included in what my transcriptionist refers to as italics.

I will begin with a few common words and phrases that humans like to use almost every day:

THE HUMAN SAYS:                    BULLDOG DEFINITION:

 Come!                                             Stay where you are. Humans are always confused.

(For example, does the human mean come to where they are or come into the room where they are or come to a new place where they are going? What?)               

 

Come now!                                     Stay where you are. The human has specified a time but                                                              not a place.    

 

Come here now!                           Stay where you are. Clearer as to time and place, but                                                                      remember! You are a bulldog.

 

Come here now! (With treat in hand)     Move immediately to the human and receive                                                                                    the offered treat.

 (The human should have started with this instruction.)   

 

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.                         Stay where you are and stare.

(Humans talk a lot and expect dogs to listen as though we are human and understand everything that they are saying. Show respect by staring. The talking will eventually end and you may get a treat.)

 

BLAH! BLAH BLAH! BLAH!                            Stay where you are, stare, and perk your ears                                                                                    up. The human MAY be about to say something                                                                                important. But maybe not.

 

Go!                                                                        Stay where you are and stare at the human.                                                                                        Look as puzzled as possible even if you think                                                                                    you know what the human wants. “Go!” is not                                                                                a direction.

(Humans believe that we can read their minds. As helpful as that would be, it is not true.)

 Go there!                                                            Stay where you are, stare at the human, and                                                                                     check for a pointing finger or hand gesture. If                                                                                 there is, then and only then, look in the                                                                                             direction the human is pointing to let them                                                                                       know that you are considering going in that                                                                                     direction.

 Go now!                                                              Stay where you are, stare, and check for a                                                                                           direction. The “Now” command means the                                                                                       human expects an immediate response.                                                                                             Slowly move in that direction, remembering                                                                                     that you are a bulldog.

(The problem with “Go” is that they never tell you how far to go. Stop when you reach a fence.)

This concludes my dictionary list for now. Thank you for paying attention, bulldogs.

I know how hard that is for you to do.

 

Signed,

Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.