Bulldog Baths – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. May I state for the record that I personally hate baths? Of course, I may. I am the Queen. I may do anything I wish.

Me:        No, you may not.

Stella:    Pardon the interruption. Lady Human has once again inserted herself into my business.

Me:        I have an objection to make.

Stella:    Please go on. Be as objectionable as you wish.

Me:        I am not the one objectionable today. Today I am objecting to Snoopey and Wiggles and Miss Sweetie. They have been licking my feet and legs.

Stella:    Here, let me see what your legs and feet taste like and I will be able to tell you why.

Me:        Noooo!

Stella:    How do you expect me to help you when you won’t let me see what the attraction is? Maybe you taste like sirloin steak. If so, can you blame them?

Me:        Sirloin steak? None of you has ever tasted sirloin steak.

Stella:    And why is that, Lady Human? Hmmmm?

Me:        Bottom line, I am not a lollipop. I don’t need to be licked like one.

Stella:    They were giving you a bulldog bath. That’s all. Probably trying to help you out with your weird and busy day.

Me:        I could use help in other ways. Besides, now that they have given me a tongue bath, I have to take another bath.

Stella:    How insulting! And after all the effort they went to. Are you saying that their tongues are dirty?

Me:        Yes. I am stating that categorically.

Stella:    Fine. Now hear this, Bulldogs! Stop licking on Lady Human. She does not appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. But she is now on her own when it comes to baths.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me:        Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella:    Uh-oh.

Me:        Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella:    Nothing.

Me:        Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella:    Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me:        Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella:    You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me:        What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella:    Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella:    Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me:        I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella:    Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me:        That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella:    Oh.

Me:        Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella:    Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me:        Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella:    I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Bulldogs Stink!- Conversations with Stella

Hello, humans! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Or simply Stella, as I like to call her.

Stella:   I am not simply Stella. I am not simple at all.

Me:        All right, complex Stella, what do you want to talk about?

Stella:   You and Tall Man were spraying water everywhere this afternoon. Why?

Me:        We were giving Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie baths. We put an attachment on the hose that sprayed water all around them, head to tail. It makes washing the soap off easier.

Stella:   You wasted your time and your water.

Me:        Really? I think they smell a whole lot better than they did.

Stella:   Nope, not so much.

Me:        We used some nice vanilla-scented shampoo.

Stella:   Wasted.

Me:        We scrubbed their hair and rinsed them with lots of clean water.

Stella:   Wasted.

Me:        Now I’m disappointed.

Stella:   Have you seen how they roll around in the dirt? And in other stuff?

Me:        I thought that was an accident.

Stella:   Nope. Stinky dogs like stinky stuff.

Me:        You don’t stink.

Stella:   Nope. I am a bulldog, not a stinkpot.

Me:        Maybe if we give them another bath in a few days.

Stella:   Nope!  Waste! If you want to save water and the environment, don’t bother bathing Doodlebug or Miss Sweetie.

Me:        But if we don’t bathe Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, we won’t be saving OUR environment.

Stella:   Good point. Carry on. But don’t trust to hope. It has abandoned these lands.

Me:        So what should we do?

Stella:   Do what any sensible bulldog does. Take your paw and put it over your nose.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.