Me: Sweetie? What’s going on?
Sweetie: Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. Nothing to trouble you. Just go on about your business.
Me: If you are thinking about digging in the trash, it is most certainly my business.
Sweetie: Just patrolling to make sure you all aren’t wasting any food. But you’re okay. Everything here stinks to high heaven, and not in the good way. Not one item to tempt a bulldog or a human, and we know how loose human standards are.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…English…Bulldogges. AAAAAGGGGHHH! Awww, what’s that awful smell?
Snoopey: It’s Lady Human. I smelled her as she passed by. AACK!
Me: Why all the barking?
Tiger: Stink! Stink! Stink!
Me: You all are the last of God’s creatures to be complaining about stink.
Stella: No, I think you hold that prize now, Lady Human. Gag. Cough. Spit. Ew, it won’t go away! You need to clear up that smell immediately.
Miss Sweetie: Yes, please. PLEASE! Ugh, my nose is burning.
Doodlebug: And you all thought MY breath smelled foul.
Wiggles: Your mouth is a rose garden compared to this. And I don’t even like roses.
Snoopey: Christmas is ruined! The stink killed it!
Me: Why are you all barking? It’s like an eruption!
Stella: Why? Are you kidding me? Take it away! Take the stink away! What is it? Will it end the world?
Me: No, it just seems like it. I harvested the chickens’ eggs. One of them exploded.
Stella: Was that the loud pop we heard?
Me: Yes. Yuck.
Stella: One rotten egg caused all this by itself?
Me: Yeah. Thank the LORD that the eggs were double bagged.
Stella: Not good enough!
Snoopey: Christmas is ruined!
Me: No, we will recover from this before Christmas. I promise. I’m disposing of the remains of the rotten egg now. Give it a few minutes.
Wiggles: Minutes? Is that like 1…2…3?
Doodlebug: 1…2…3…nope. Still stinks.
Me: Okay, the offending egg is outside.
Tiger: Not good enough.
Snoopey: Christmas is ruined! Nooooo!
Miss Sweetie: Why is Christmas ruined, Aunt Snoopey?
Snoopey: Because Christmas is supposed to smell good and now the whole world stinks.
Me: The stink will dissipate soon. There was only one rotten egg and it has been disposed of in the outside trash.
Snoopey: No! Then Christmas is ruined for the whole wide world.
Stella: Yes, but we’re okay. So, yippee!
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is washing big pieces of cloth in her big, noisy machine. It is annoying. I wish it would stop. Dare I ask?
Me: Nope.
Stella: Please.
Me: Nope. Has to be done.
Stella: But why? It just goes on and on and on and on…
Me: I have to wash all this stuff to get the dog smell out.
Stella: Dog smell? Like what I smell or what I smell like?
Me: What you all smell like.
Stella: Are you saying that I stink? Are you saying that you don’t like the way I smell? Awwww. My smell is me. If you don’t like my smell, you don’t like me. Awwwww.
Me: Not the same.
Stella: Yes, the same. How can I separate me from what I smell like?
Me: I could give you a few more baths.
Stella: Some other way.
Me: I can do what I’m doing right now. Wash everything. Now that you and Snoopey are both sleeping in my room, I have to wash your bedding…and mine pretty often. When I walk into my room, I want it smell more like me than like you.
Stella: Wrong choice.
Copyright 2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have terrible news. I have been robbed! I don’t know if a bulldog did it or a human did it. The crime may have been committed by giant insects or the Giant Floating Enemy Balloon that came to live with us last week. All I know is that I went outside briefly, just to pee, and when I came back in, all of my bedding and toys were GONE! Snatched clean out of my crate…
Me: Stella.
Stella: Mwaah! Ohhh! the bulldogginess of it!
Me: Stella.
Stella: Why me? I’m a good dog! Why did this happen? I know! I won’t ever go outside to pee again. I will pee right here and guard my crate!
Me: Stella!
Stella: Wait, Lady Human. I am not finished. As queen, I will conduct a thorough investigation and find the culprit who made off with my things.
Me: Look no further. I did it.
Stella: What! NOOO! Why? Why? Why?
Me: Because…
Stella: Why? Why? Why? Can no one be trusted? Oh, the horror…
Me: Stella, it’s all still here! It’s all in the wash. When it comes out of the washer, I’ll put it in the dryer and then back in your crate – bed, blanket, stuffie toys and all.
Stella: But why me?
Me: Honey, of all the bulldogges, your crate was the only spot in this whole room that smelled like…well, dog.
Stella: That’s because I’m a dog!
Me: So are they!
Stella: The smell wasn’t bothering me and your nose isn’t nearly as good as mine. Why were you opposed to me smelling bulldoggy? Which I am. Bulldog me!
Me: You will have all your stuff back before long. A couple of hours at the most.
Stella: Show me. I want to visit my stuff. I want all the stuffies and my bed to know that they are still loved and I am here for them.
Me: Hard to do when they are swirling around in the washer.
Stella: Swirling?
Me: No, never mind. They are swimming and having a good time.
Stella: Well, all right. I can’t deny them the pleasure of swimming. But the next time I go out to pee, I am taking my crate with me.
Me: Nope.
Stella: Well, I am taking my stuffies and my bedding with me.
Me: Nope.
Stella: Well, just the stuffies.
Me: Nope.
Stella: Okay then. But I want you to put an alarm on my crate.
Me: Nope.
Stella: Why ever not?
Me: To guard what? The stink?
Stella: We have already discussed that issue, Lady Human. We will just have to agree to disagree on the definition of ‘stink’.
Me: Nope. My definition wins.
Stella: Humans are so picky.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. Allow me to repeat that – QUEEN! As queen, I should not have anything assault my nose. Ever.
Me: What is the problem?
Stella: There is a terrible stink.
Me: Well, you know…bulldogs. Hellooo!
Stella: I already said hello to everyone. And what does stink have to do with bulldogs?
Me: Is that a real question, Stella?
Stella: This stink hit me in the face when I came into your room.
Me: I don’t smell anything peculiar.
Stella: Let me be brutally honest. The stink is coming from you, Lady Human.
Me: What? I showered. I put on clean clothes.
Stella: It is your skin.
Me: I rubbed on some essential oils. That’s all. No perfume.
Stella: 220 million dog nose receptors can’t be wrong.
Me: 220 million, huh. That’s a lot.
Stella: I don’t know what 220 million means, but I know it is more than four. Four is the number of one paw’s worth of toes. How powerful are human noses?
Me: Hmmm…5 million.
Stella: Don’t be embarrassed about your weak nose, Lady Human. Be embarrassed about stinking so badly.
Me: Essential oils don’t stink. They may be overpowering to you, but not to humans.
Stella: Please warn me before you use them again.
Me: I will if you will forewarn me about bulldog gas leaks.
Stella: I can make no promises. Our gas leaks surprise even me most of the time.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.The funniest thing ever happened. I am still laughing. Lady Human, did you see the hilarious thing that happened?
Me: I must not have because I am not laughing, but I could stand to have a good one. What happened?
Stella: You gave Miss Sweetie a bath.
Me: Yes, and….
Stella: Miss Sweetie is always so stinky and dirty.
Me: Yes, and…
Stella: She is forever rolling in dirt and mud and she sticks her head in trash cans.
Me: Yes, and…what is so funny? I am missing the punch line.
Stella: When she came back in the room, Tiger was running through…and she stopped and turned around…and ran up to Miss Sweetie and sniffed…because she smelled like a completely different dog and Tiger didn’t recognize her! Isn’t that hilarious? Tiger thought Miss Sweetie wasn’t Miss Sweetie because she smelled GOOD!
Me: I can understand her confusion.
Stella: We read the world with our noses. You can’t always believe your eyes, but a bulldog can always believe her nose.
Me: The new shampoo really worked. Pineapple scented.
Stella: Keep using it. It will make Miss Sweetie more popular.
Me: I think she smells a lot better, too. Speaking of baths…
Stella: Still laughing. Can’t stop.
Me: It’s time for yours.
Stella: Huh?
Me: Your bath. It’s time for your bath.
Stella: Un-uh. I don’t stink. I am super clean.
Me: Among the bulldogs, you are the cleanest, I’ll give you that.
Stella: I am the Queen. One must keep up appearances.
Me: How do you keep your ears so clean?
Stella: Simple. I don’t roll in the dirt. But I can’t have a bath.
Me: Why not? You have before.
Stella: It’s that new shampoo you use. If I start smelling like a pineapple, my subjects will not recognize me.
Me: Sure they will.
Stella: Worse. They will start calling me ‘Queen Pineapple’. Bulldogs can be so cruel.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
The chickens play a little game with the bulldogs now. They push a couple of their eggs against the wire wall of their run and the bulldogs paw at the offering. Every so often a dog successfully punctures an egg (they are infertile eggs – no roosters around right now) and licks up the egg white and yolk.
I always know when this has happened because when I call the bulldogs back into the house, they don’t show up. They are busy egg hunting behind the chicken run where I can’t see them. They are not about to break off simply to run back into the boring house where no one offers them smelly eggs.
A good fresh hard-boiled egg now and again is a reputable treat, but on occasion, the hens offer their bulldog followers an egg that they have kept buried, an egg overlooked in the regular retrieval process – in other words, a smelly old egg.
Stella, Snoopey, and Tiger are discerning food connoisseurs. Egg offerings do not tempt them. But Wiggles and her 10-month old puppies, Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, are trash divers. A stinky smell will lure them off course and entice them every time.
“Don’t eat that!” and “Ew! Yuck!” are my two most common warnings to them. I have started using truly delicious, pungent treats to break their habit. It appears to be working.
If you were given a choice between a raw egg and a smoky chicken jerky treat, which would you choose? Precisely! Me, too! Smoke and salt every time!
So what have I learned from the bulldogs?
Bottom line, if it smells bad, that’s a red flag warning. Stay away from the stink!
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Hello, humans! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Or simply Stella, as I like to call her.
Stella: I am not simply Stella. I am not simple at all.
Me: All right, complex Stella, what do you want to talk about?
Stella: You and Tall Man were spraying water everywhere this afternoon. Why?
Me: We were giving Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie baths. We put an attachment on the hose that sprayed water all around them, head to tail. It makes washing the soap off easier.
Stella: You wasted your time and your water.
Me: Really? I think they smell a whole lot better than they did.
Stella: Nope, not so much.
Me: We used some nice vanilla-scented shampoo.
Stella: Wasted.
Me: We scrubbed their hair and rinsed them with lots of clean water.
Stella: Wasted.
Me: Now I’m disappointed.
Stella: Have you seen how they roll around in the dirt? And in other stuff?
Me: I thought that was an accident.
Stella: Nope. Stinky dogs like stinky stuff.
Me: You don’t stink.
Stella: Nope. I am a bulldog, not a stinkpot.
Me: Maybe if we give them another bath in a few days.
Stella: Nope! Waste! If you want to save water and the environment, don’t bother bathing Doodlebug or Miss Sweetie.
Me: But if we don’t bathe Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie, we won’t be saving OUR environment.
Stella: Good point. Carry on. But don’t trust to hope. It has abandoned these lands.
Me: So what should we do?
Stella: Do what any sensible bulldog does. Take your paw and put it over your nose.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Pooper scoopers are one of the truly great inventions of the past century. They are a real necessity if you have more than one bulldog. Or even if you have only one bulldog. With one-handed operation, the pooper scooper “bites” the poop from off the ground. The same hand can open it and dispose of the poop in the trash receptacle of your choice without direct contact. Done and done!
Of course, I have seen a bulldog accomplish the same thing, only the poop doesn’t get deposited in a trash can. Wiggles is particularly adept at poop disposal. I won’t go into details. Suffice it to say that every once in a while she darts away and refuses all orders to return until, well, she returns “empty-handed”, so to speak. Also good at trash diving, Wiggles is our waste disposal specialist.
Poop scooping aside, we still have to watch our step in the yard. Dogs can be selective about their bathroom spots and go out of their way to stay out of our way. A couple of ours prize convenience. They step out the door, walk a few feet, sniff the air, and say,”Yep! Here!”
I have learned to watch my step, even away from the bulldogs. If I’m not paying attention, it’s way too easy to “step” into something that is nasty and smells bad. And that odor follows you around until it gets washed off, sometimes with a power hose.
And if you aren’t careful, you can smear that mess onto other people and things. I remember when I was very young, we were leaving my grandparent’s house. I was all dressed up and was wearing a beloved red coat. Once in the car, we started noticing an odor and pretty quickly, my parents discovered that I had stepped in dog poop. It was on my lovely, little patent leather shoes and ON MY RED COAT!
Everything had to be thoroughly cleaned. I never looked at my red coat quite the same way again. And I had no idea that I had stepped in something stinky until we got closed up with it.
Pooper scoopers can’t handle a lot of the filthy stuff that gets left in our paths. For that stuff, we have to watch where we step.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 