Bulldog Celebrations – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs, and first let me say, ‘Merry Christmas to all’ before I start pointing out all the ways humans mess up celebrations.

Me:        Well, thank you. And no, thank you.

Stella:    Didn’t you tell me that criticism is helpful?

Me:        Constructive criticism, yes. But not too much and not too often. It can get kind of overwhelming.

Stella:    Constructive. As in the human word ‘construct’? I have to build something? With these paws? How do you expect me to do that?

Me:        Never mind. Just tell me how you think humans mess up celebrations, so we can all go to bed on time tonight.

Stella:    Number one: That one right there – everything is rushed. Meals and visiting. Got to go here. Got to go there. Rush, rush, rush. And there’s all that food.

Me:        What’s wrong with food?

Stella:    Nothing, if you share. Otherwise the good smells are so unfair. It makes me want to cover my big old nose with my big old paws. Awwww. And then there are those things you hang all over the house, things that we are not allowed to chew on, play with, or carry around. Things that break if you breathe on them. Things that make funny noises and play music at all hours and flash lights into my eyeballs.

Me:        All right then. How would you celebrate Christmas?

Stella:    Me? I would eat a big breakfast, run around and potty outside, take a long nap, then another long nap, watch some Picture Box. That’s about it.

Me:        What about visiting family and friends?

Stella:    I already do too much of that every day.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

You Did It Again – Conversations with Stell

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been silly again. She is silly at least once a year, usually at this time they call Christmas.

Me:        I know. I know.

Stella:    But if you know, you know, why do you keep doing it?

Wiggles:   What did she do? What did she do? Did she pee on the carpet?

Me:        No! I never do that! It would not even occur to me.

Wiggles:   It occurs to me every time I walk into the front room.

Snoopey:   It occurs to me in that room, too, but I don’t do it anymore. The humans don’t seem to like it.

Doodlebug:   Self-control. Self-control. Self-control.

Miss Sweetie:   What does that mean, Doodle?

Doodlebug:   I don’t know, but it sounds good and it has something to do with the carpet in the front room.

Tiger:   Why does Lady Human go out every Christmas only to come home too tired to play my jump around game for more than five minutes? Does Christmas mean ‘get tired and sit in a chair’? Because if it does, that’s fine. Just let me know in advance.

Stella:   No, she said something about peace and goodwill. That must mean wearing yourself out and getting grumpy because that’s what she does.

Me:        I don’t intend to, but I catch myself rushing around last minute and getting stuck in traffic and crowds.

Stella:    Because traffic and crowds are so fun, right?

Me:        No, they’re not.

Stella:    Because traffic and crowds are Christmas?

Me:        No, they’re not.

Stella:    Would doing what Christmas really is make you tired and grumpy?

Me:        No, it wouldn’t.

Stella:    Then I would do what Christmas really is if I were you.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And I’d be careful walking into the front room. I just saw Wiggles run in there. Merry Christmas!

Me:        Merry Christmas, Stella.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Everybody Gag! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…English…Bulldogges.  AAAAAGGGGHHH! Awww, what’s that awful smell?

Snoopey:   It’s Lady Human. I smelled her as she passed by. AACK!

Me:        Why all the barking?

Tiger:     Stink! Stink! Stink!

Me:        You all are the last of God’s creatures to be complaining about stink.

Stella:    No, I think you hold that prize now, Lady Human. Gag. Cough. Spit. Ew, it won’t go away! You need to clear up that smell immediately.

Miss Sweetie:    Yes, please. PLEASE! Ugh, my nose is burning.

Doodlebug:        And you all thought MY breath smelled foul.

Wiggles:   Your mouth is a rose garden compared to this. And I don’t even like roses.

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined! The stink killed it!

Me:        Why are you all barking? It’s like an eruption!

Stella:    Why? Are you kidding me? Take it away! Take the stink away! What is it? Will it end the world?

Me:        No, it just seems like it. I harvested the chickens’ eggs. One of them exploded.

Stella:    Was that the loud pop we heard?

Me:        Yes. Yuck.

Stella:    One rotten egg caused all this by itself?

Me:        Yeah. Thank the LORD that the eggs were double bagged.

Stella:    Not good enough!

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined!

Me:        No, we will recover from this before Christmas. I promise. I’m disposing of the remains of the rotten egg now. Give it a few minutes.

Wiggles:   Minutes? Is that like 1…2…3?

Doodlebug:   1…2…3…nope. Still stinks.

Me:        Okay, the offending egg is outside.

Tiger:   Not good enough.

Snoopey:   Christmas is ruined! Nooooo!

Miss Sweetie:   Why is Christmas ruined, Aunt Snoopey?

Snoopey:   Because Christmas is supposed to smell good and now the whole world stinks.

Me:        The stink will dissipate soon. There was only one rotten egg and it has been disposed of in the outside trash.

Snoopey:   No! Then Christmas is ruined for the whole wide world.

Stella:    Yes, but we’re okay. So, yippee!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Night Before Christmas – Conversations with the Pack

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Old English Bulldogges, and poet.

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, every bulldog was stirring because someone smelled a mouse.

 Tiger:     It was a rat! They smell different from mice.

Stella:    Show off!

Snoopey:  It’s not in the house. It’s in the outside world.

Tiger:     Why can I smell it so strongly then?

Snoopey:  It stinks! And as much as I hate to admit it, you have a good nose. As do I! Don’t get any ideas about becoming pack leader!

Stella:    Stop! Enough politics!

Miss Sweetie:    We should all bark at it. We should all bark at everything.

Stella:    Sweetie, that’s your only solution for anything. Now everybody settle down. I am trying to write a Christmas poem for Lady Human and Tall Man.

The humans are nestled all snug in their beds while vast herds of bulldogs romp through their heads.

Wiggles:  Bulldogs romping. Haha! I want to romp.

Snoopey: In humans’ heads? That sounds painful. No, take that line out.

Stella:    My poem! My words!

When out on the patio, there arose such a loud clatter that I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Well, not ‘sprang’, not really. More like I sat up gradually and looked around.

Tiger:     It’s that rat! I told you.

Snoopey:  Wait! It’s not that fat, bearded man in the furry suit, is it?

Wiggles:  The humans on the Picture Box said that he would come down the chimney. I don’t want anybody coming down the chimney. Especially a fat human. He might get stuck.

Stella:    We don’t let regular strangers in the house. Why would we allow a stranger to come down the chimney? Oh, great! This Christmas thing isn’t fun. Now we’re going to have to sit up all night on guard to make sure the furry red suit guy doesn’t invade the house by way of the chimney.

Tiger:     I’ll take first watch.

Snoopey:  You will not! I will!

Stella:  Doodlebug, you take third watch. Doodlebug? Doodlebug!

Wiggles:  Doodlebug fell asleep. He is dreaming his Christmas vision of bulldogs romping through his head.

Stella:    Okay, I’ll finish the poem later. Let’s try a song.

Bulldogs guarding by an open fire. Jack Frost nowhere to be found. Yuletide carols being sung by a…

What are ‘Yuletide carols’? And how does that fat, bearded guy in the furry red suit come down the chimney when there is a fire burning in the fireplace. Never mind. We need to do more research on Christmas before we can help the humans celebrate.

Wiggles:  I know the best way to celebrate with the humans. My big wet tongue is ready for their salty faces. Merry Christmas, bulldogs!

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Christmas Rant – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, shall now begin my Christmas rant. Ranting is not reserved for humans alone. I have plenty about which to rant.

Me:        Like what? You have not been out in the crowds.

Stella:    If you wish more ranting time, you have my royal permission. Go ahead. I will add mine later. Rant on!

Me:        The people walking in front of me at the grocery store crept along like snails. So slowly.

Stella:    Yes, slow humans. Everyone should have a bulldog pulling them along. What else?

Me:        “No, ma’am! You can’t get three of the same item on that one coupon!”

Stella:    No, ma’am! You can’t! What is a coupon?

Me:        “No, sir! If there are no more, there are no more!” Hey, guy! They ran out! Move along!

Stella:    Yes, move along there, human! Wait? What did they run out of? Not our treats again, I hope!

Me:        And then there were the people who insisted on blocking the store aisles so they could get a picture of their pet with Santa Claus.

Stella:    The big bearded man in the red furry suit? He takes pictures with animals? Really? But on the other hand, is it a good idea to put your animal in the lap of a bearded stranger? Do I really want my picture made with a guy I don’t know?

Me:        Humans like it. I simply wanted them to move out of my way.

Stella:    Did you call someone an ugly name this time?

Me:        No. I went shopping in a better frame of mind and I exercised self-control. Well, some self-control.

Stella:    But not enough to keep from ranting. Merry Christmas, Lady Human! My turn to rant! My turn! Miss Sweetie ate a greasy paper towel and threw up all over the place. Not very Christmasy. Christmas is supposed to smell good.

Me:        Yeah, she dug deep in the trash and pulled one out. Thanks be to God, she threw it up and is feeling better now.

Stella:    Don’t do the crime and you won’t do the time. Why trash dive when we have all this good food?

Me:        It’s in her nature. And you are not complaining about your food?

Stella:    Oh, that’s right! Food rant! I have seen all kinds of special food come in, but we are eating the same old thing, day in and day out. Where are our cool goodies?

Me:        You all get treats.

Stella:    Not red and green ones. Just dull old brown ones. Where is our bulldog Christmas?

Me:        We’ll work on that. You shouldn’t eat everything we eat.

Stella:    You shouldn’t eat everything that you eat. Rant!

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Christmas Rant – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, beg everyone’s pardon. Apparently, Lady Human has something that she wishes to say. Proceed, Lady Human.

Me:        I’ve had it. This is my rant. It is long overdue. Here it comes! I HATE CHRISTMAS! No, that’s not true. I like Christmas. I hate what we’ve done to it. I hate the stupidity of how we celebrate and how I have allowed it to affect me.

Stella:    Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! I love rants! Go on.

Me:        I was stuck at an intersection because all these silly people decided that they had to get their cars washed on the last Saturday before Christmas Eve. REALLY? And on a day when the temperature was expected to drop 52 degrees. From 73 degrees, down to 19 degrees. Who does that? I mean REALLY! WHO DOES THAT? The whole intersection was blocked and the silly woman in front of me – all right, maybe she wasn’t a silly woman, maybe she was just confused, but it was silly that she wouldn’t move at all and REALLY? Did she think that the situation was going to change? DECIDE! MOVE IN A DIRECTION! ANY DIRECTION! LOOK! YOU JUST LOST ANOTHER GREEN LIGHT! WHAT DOES THAT MAKE? FIVE?

Stella:    Was it five? I can count to five. One, two, three, four, five…that’s a lot. This is so exciting! What happened then?

Me:        Then, she finally moved. And I got out of the intersection, too. I was so stupid to go out in holiday traffic.

Stella:    Stupid. Yes. Yes, you were. So human of you.

Me:        And I called her an ugly name. She couldn’t hear me, but that didn’t matter. Not Christian of me. Not Christmasy.

Stella:    I love ugly names! I have a secret, ugly name for each of the bulldogs. Someday, I may share them with you, but you can’t tell the others. Rant on!

Me:        My patience level should have been higher. My attitude should have been better. I was naughty, not nice.

Stella:    Oh, Lady Human, did you fall off the list of that fat, bearded man in the red suit? Wait, is this still a rant? Because it doesn’t sound very ranty anymore.

Me:        I’m just mad at myself for acting up, for having a bad attitude, being selfish, and impatient.

Stella:    Boy, Lady Human, you really were naughty. You should fall off that nice list. You have me tired simply hearing about it. Nap time! We’ll rant more later.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.