Christmas Rant – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, beg everyone’s pardon. Apparently, Lady Human has something that she wishes to say. Proceed, Lady Human.

Me:        I’ve had it. This is my rant. It is long overdue. Here it comes! I HATE CHRISTMAS! No, that’s not true. I like Christmas. I hate what we’ve done to it. I hate the stupidity of how we celebrate and how I have allowed it to affect me.

Stella:    Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! I love rants! Go on.

Me:        I was stuck at an intersection because all these silly people decided that they had to get their cars washed on the last Saturday before Christmas Eve. REALLY? And on a day when the temperature was expected to drop 52 degrees. From 73 degrees, down to 19 degrees. Who does that? I mean REALLY! WHO DOES THAT? The whole intersection was blocked and the silly woman in front of me – all right, maybe she wasn’t a silly woman, maybe she was just confused, but it was silly that she wouldn’t move at all and REALLY? Did she think that the situation was going to change? DECIDE! MOVE IN A DIRECTION! ANY DIRECTION! LOOK! YOU JUST LOST ANOTHER GREEN LIGHT! WHAT DOES THAT MAKE? FIVE?

Stella:    Was it five? I can count to five. One, two, three, four, five…that’s a lot. This is so exciting! What happened then?

Me:        Then, she finally moved. And I got out of the intersection, too. I was so stupid to go out in holiday traffic.

Stella:    Stupid. Yes. Yes, you were. So human of you.

Me:        And I called her an ugly name. She couldn’t hear me, but that didn’t matter. Not Christian of me. Not Christmasy.

Stella:    I love ugly names! I have a secret, ugly name for each of the bulldogs. Someday, I may share them with you, but you can’t tell the others. Rant on!

Me:        My patience level should have been higher. My attitude should have been better. I was naughty, not nice.

Stella:    Oh, Lady Human, did you fall off the list of that fat, bearded man in the red suit? Wait, is this still a rant? Because it doesn’t sound very ranty anymore.

Me:        I’m just mad at myself for acting up, for having a bad attitude, being selfish, and impatient.

Stella:    Boy, Lady Human, you really were naughty. You should fall off that nice list. You have me tired simply hearing about it. Nap time! We’ll rant more later.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Mouth Traffic Jam – Stella’s Blog

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, hello!

We bulldogs are known everywhere by our big, beautiful mouths. They are wide and deep and framed on the bottom by serious-looking teeth that Lady Human calls our “upside down vampire fangs”.  I don’t know what an upside down vampire is. Since she loves bulldogs, that was probably a compliment to us. Probably. Maybe. Lady Human says weird things sometimes. I still love her. Probably.

Bulldogs are vocal. Human translation: LOUD. It is one of the things I like most about us. If you are a dog, bark. If you are going to bark, BARK LOUD!

Don’t be a pipsqueak!

But having said that, there is too much bulldog mouth traffic around here. This past week has been LOUD. When Lady Human takes me somewhere in her rolling box and there are too many other rolling boxes in front of her, she says, ‘Traffic jam!’  That means we won’t get to the fun place or…yuck, the vet (a sweet lady, but you know, vet) any time soon.

What we have at our house is a MOUTH TRAFFIC JAM. Too much bulldog talk too much of the time. Why does this bother me? Because with everyone else barking, no one can hear me. As queen, I deserve to be heard first, foremost, and all the time.

If the queen barks and no one hears her, how can she be queen?

So today I am issuing a queen order. (A what? An edict? If you say so.)  I am issuing an edict.

NOBODY TALKS WHILE I AM TALKING. IF I AM QUIET AND START TALKING, EVERYBODY ELSE, SHUT UP!

SIGNED, QUEEN STELLA

Well, that was easy enough. I am surprised that the humans haven’t figured out the edict thing yet. It would solve all of their problems.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.