Popcorn Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am the human commonly referred to among the bulldogs as Lady Human.

Stella:    Hey, that’s my spot. Get out of my spot, Lady Human! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Snoopey:   What?

Tiger:     Who?

Wiggles:   Bark…bark……bark…bark.

Doodlebug:   What?

Miss Sweetie:   Hey! Huh! What?

Me:        Okay, please stop. You sound like a bunch of popcorn kernels going off.

Wiggles:   Popcorn? Mmmmm!

Stella:    When?

Tiger:   Where? How?

Snoopey:   Ruff…..Ruff…Ruff. Ruff.

Me:        You see! Some of that doesn’t even make any sense.

Doodlebug:   Sense? What? What? What?

Tiger:     How? When? Where? What?

Wiggles:   Someone said popcorn.

Snoopey:   Look! Look!

Stella:    At what?

Snoopey:   Nothing.

Miss Sweetie:   Looking. I see nothing. Where’s the popcorn?

Me:        There is no popcorn.

Stella:    I distinctly heard someone say popcorn. Was it you, Tiger?

Me:        How could anyone hear anything with all this barking? You bark and then she barks and then he barks and then you bark again.

Stella:    Yep.

Miss Sweetie:   Why?

Stella:   Why what, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie:   Why is there no popcorn?

Tiger:   Exactly. Ruuuuffff!

Miss Sweetie:   I will bark until there is popcorn. Ruff…Ruff…Ruff…

Me:        Noooo! Please don’t! Look! I’ll get you treats or supplements or something if it will calm you all down. No more popcorn barking.

Snoopey:   Where did she go?

Stella:   To the kitchen. You see. I told you it would work.

Miss Sweetie:   Aunt Stella, you’re the best.

Stella:   Okay, Sweetie, you can stop barking now.

Miss Sweetie:   Why?

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…Or Visitors – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. First of all, allow me to explain what happened today…

Me:        Rudeness. That’s what happened today.

Stella:    Now, Lady Human, in all fairness…

Me:        Fairness? Can you imagine walking into a house to visit and the whole place erupts in wild barking?

Stella:    Yes, I can imagine that. It happened here today. It was crazy. Bulldog madness.

Me:        You were barking as much as everyone else. Our poor visitor felt totally unwelcome.

Stella:    Of course, she was unwelcome. We don’t let just anybody walk in here. Where was her invitation?

Me:        I invited her.

Stella:    Well, I didn’t. No one told me. Perhaps you should plan a little better next time. Bulldog invitations must be issued in plenty of time for us to get used to the idea of a stranger coming here.

Me:        And how much time is that?

Stella:    A year or two ought to be sufficient. I’ll let you know if that’s not enough.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put It On Silent – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have pointed out many times before, humans talk entirely too much. Sometimes, they even talk in the middle of the night. I was sound asleep, minding my own business as always…

Me:        As always?

Stella:    When out of the darkness came a weird voice, floating down the hall, sneaking into my sleepy ears.

Me:        And you and Sweetie started barking your heads off, even after I told you all was well.

Stella:    All is not well when a goofy, little voice in the night squeals, giggles, and says, “Hee, hee, hee! Let’s play!” Now I know that it was not your tiny human relative who visits. She was not here and she does not speak human languages yet. And I know that it was not a bulldog. A bulldog would never sound that silly. It was totally unbulldoggy. No self-respecting bulldog would make such a noise. Not even Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:    Hey!

Stella:    No offense, honey, but admit it. You do make strange noises, even for a bulldog.

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Miss Sweetie:    I heard the sound first and I was the first to bark the alarm.

Stella:    No, I was the first.

Miss Sweetie:   No, I was the first.

Stella:    No, it was me.

Me:        And I came down the hall and told you both that all was well and you kept on barking at me.

Miss Sweetie:    I stopped barking at you first.

Stella:    No, I stopped barking at her first.

Miss Sweetie:    No, I stopped first. I remember.

Stella:    Are you saying my memory is not as good as yours? Are you saying that I am old?

Miss Sweetie:    Mmmm. Yes. You are old, Aunt Stella.

Stella:    EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Me:        Excuse me, please. I have an announcement. The late-night noise in question arose from an online game that I started playing on my phone when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I apologize to the whole household. I forgot to silence my phone before I went to sleep and, when I opened the app, the music and silly voice started immediately. I couldn’t silence it quickly enough. In fact, I don’t like those noises either. But I do like the game and sometimes it helps me go back to sleep. End of story.

Miss Sweetie:    You couldn’t silence your phone quickly enough? You are old, Lady Human. What century were you born in?

Stella:   You mean this all happened because of that little talking box you pay too much attention to all day long? And now you pay attention to it at night? Give it here, Lady Human. You do not need it that much.

Me:        Nope. It’s mine.

Stella:    Turn the talking box over.

Me:        Nope. I’m the human. I am in charge of it.

Stella:    And as you will come to admit, I am the loud barking box and I am in charge of that.

Miss Sweetie:    No, I am the loud barking box.

Stella:    No, it’s me.

Miss Sweetie:   No…

Me:        Here, let me turn my phone’s sound back on and turn the volume to max. Who’s the loud barking box now?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Stop the Music! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a true lover of the humans’ music. Today, I must say, SHUT IT OFF!

Me:        What? What’s wrong?

Stella:    Too many notes. STOP IT!

Me:        Stella, you all seem to like it when I turn on music.

Stella:    That is when you play good music, Lady Human. All you have played today is loud dance music. I like dancing as much as the next bulldog, but I can’t dance to this human stuff. I keep thinking about dancing, dancing, dancing, and now I am just tired. Good evening. I am going to take a long nap. See you in the morning.

Snoopey:   Yeah, let’s go to bed. I’ve been dancing in my head all day long. I’m exhausted.

Tiger:   And then there were those dancing humans on the Picture Box. I have never seen humans act that way. I think they may not have been real humans. They may have been mechanical. That’s scary.

Miss Sweetie:    Dancing…dancing…dancing this way…dancing that…dancing forward…dancing back…

Stella:    Sweetie, stop the stomping. Go to sleep.

Doodlebug:   Dancing is just jumping around but slowly. I do that all the time. Therefore, I am the best dancer.

Wiggles:   No, I am! Watch!

Me:        Yay! Comma dance! Comma dance!

Stella:    Anybody can do that!

Me:        I can’t.

Stella:    I meant anyone with dancing talent. You told me that you can’t dance.

Me:        I can’t.

Stella:    Is that why you watch all those humans dance on the Picture Box?

Me:        I like to see people who do it well.  What kind of music do you want to listen to?

Stella:    Push that button.

Me:        The volume?

Stella:    Yes, push it again.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And again.

Me:        Now I can’t hear it.

Stella:    Push it one more time.

Me:        Like that?

Stella:    Yes, now I can’t hear it. Perfect. Good night.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Infernal Machines – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree an end to the humans’ infernal machines.

Me:        What?

Stella:    There is a machine that is worse than all the others. A wicked device that groans and rocks and jumps and clunks. Here we are, innocent bulldogs, on a quiet afternoon, napping, chewing, snoring, dreaming. And then, all of a sudden, BANG, CLUNK, CLANG, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, SLOSH…

Me:        Oh, that? The washing machine got out of balance.

Stella:    The washing machine gets ‘out of balance’ a lot. Out of balance. Is that even a thing?

Me:        Yes, especially with this washing machine and all the bulldog laundry it must process.

Stella:    Blame it on the bulldogs, yes. Whatever goes wrong is all our doing. The washing machine, as you call it, is a human invention, is it not?

Me:        Yes, but…

Stella:    And the washing machine, as you call it, washes human clothes, does it not?

Me:        Yes, but…

Stella:    So how is it that we bulldogs are to blame for its loud clunkiness?  Infernal human machines!

Me:        Your blankets and beds are so heavy and bulky that they throw the balance off during the spin cycle…

Stella:    Spin cycle. Blah. Blah. Blah. Is that even real? Why is an evil machine interrupting our afternoon nap?

Me:        Well, I suppose we could just let all your bedding stay dirty and stinky. Or we could hose it off outside. It wouldn’t smell very good, but…

Stella:    I do like that lavender scent. I do like it when my bedding is all fluffy and soft.

Me:        That would pretty much go away if we stop using the machine for your stuff. Of course, we humans would still enjoy its benefits. It hardly ever goes off balance when it’s washing human clothes. But whatever you want…

Stella:    Why is life so full of difficult choices? Why can’t I have my fluffy clean bedding AND my uninterrupted naps? Fine. Whatever. Go ahead with your washing machine, Lady Human. But I reserve the right to call it what it really is – INFERNAL MACHINE!

Me:        Thank you for not cussing.

Stella:    What is cussing?

Me:         Never mind. Forget that I mentioned it. No one needs a cussing bulldog.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella the Bulldog Poet – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans and dogs (and cats if any are listening or reading, even Moon the Cat). Please allow me to present my musical poem entitled “Bulldog Blues”.

BULLDOG BLUES by Stella the Bulldog Poet

They call us the dogs who are clowns

But our faces are turned down like frowns.

You can make us smile.

Our grins are wide for a while.

But then we get the Bulldog Blues.

Bluuuuuues! Mwahhh! Mwahhh! Grraahhgh!

Bulldog Blues!

 

The End

 

How did you like it?

Me:        For a bulldog, it is really good.

Stella:    For a bulldog?

Me:        Well, I mean, you have a short vocabulary compared to humans, but you made a couple of rhymes and it sounds as though you could put it to music.

Stella:    That was music. I was singing it. Didn’t you notice? You don’t have a very good ear for music, do you?

Me:        I guess I’m used to the human kind.

Stella:    I think they could play it where you push those buttons in your rolling box.

Me:        The car radio?

Stella:    If you say so. I think humans would start singing it, too.

Me:        We could, but it won’t mean as much to us as it does to bulldogs.

Stella:    Still, it is way better than that boring stuff you play on the car’s music box. All that stuff without words. It’s nice to nap to, but mine is better. And shorter. And louder.

Me:        Loud. Now that is one thing we can agree on when it comes to bulldog singing.

Stella:    Loud and proud. If you are going to sing, sing like a bulldog. Make sure everyone can hear it.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Mouth Traffic Jam – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once again, hello!

We bulldogs are known everywhere by our big, beautiful mouths. They are wide and deep and framed on the bottom by serious-looking teeth that Lady Human calls our “upside down vampire fangs”.  I don’t know what an upside down vampire is. Since she loves bulldogs, that was probably a compliment to us. Probably. Maybe. Lady Human says weird things sometimes. I still love her. Probably.

Bulldogs are vocal. Human translation: LOUD. It is one of the things I like most about us. If you are a dog, bark. If you are going to bark, BARK LOUD!

Don’t be a pipsqueak!

But having said that, there is too much bulldog mouth traffic around here. This past week has been LOUD. When Lady Human takes me somewhere in her rolling box and there are too many other rolling boxes in front of her, she says, ‘Traffic jam!’  That means we won’t get to the fun place or…yuck, the vet (a sweet lady, but you know, vet) any time soon.

What we have at our house is a MOUTH TRAFFIC JAM. Too much bulldog talk too much of the time. Why does this bother me? Because with everyone else barking, no one can hear me. As queen, I deserve to be heard first, foremost, and all the time.

If the queen barks and no one hears her, how can she be queen?

So today I am issuing a queen order. (A what? An edict? If you say so.)  I am issuing an edict.

NOBODY TALKS WHILE I AM TALKING. IF I AM QUIET AND START TALKING, EVERYBODY ELSE, SHUT UP!

SIGNED, QUEEN STELLA

Well, that was easy enough. I am surprised that the humans haven’t figured out the edict thing yet. It would solve all of their problems.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Louder We Are, The Less We Hear

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Peace and quiet – the words always fit together. If we leave out the quiet, the peace is never completely …well, peaceful. Shooting wars are loud; arguments can be loud, if not on the outside, on the inside. Loud can be uncomfortable. It can damage your hearing even if it doesn’t damage your eardrums.

When the bulldogs start barking, they don’t hold back. Full volume with no shutoff and no timer. You can hold your hands up, you can say, “Shhh!”, and you can start barking orders yourself. But when they are in full voice, a single human can’t compete. At that point, everybody is hearing the noise, but no one can hear what is being said.

“Hey!” is my favorite go-to word at those moments. I can’t drown them out. It doesn’t matter. “Hey!” is an attention grabbing word. It doesn’t have any other purpose or meaning. If I shout it long enough, loud enough, I will eventually insert it into a narrow window in the barking and one bully will pause, then another, and so on.

At last, I can hear and be heard. Whether I am obeyed or not is another matter entirely.

I believe we are guilty of shouting at each other and at God more than we are willing to admit. When we get loud, we can’t hear. Take a breath. Lower the volume. Listen in the quiet for the still, small voice of the Lord. (1 Kings 19:11-12 KJV)

“Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, as a child that is weaned of his mother…” Psalm 131:2 KJV

No matter what we are trying to say, the louder we are, the less we hear. The less we hear, the less we learn.

 

©2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.