I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree an end to the humans’ infernal machines.
Stella: There is a machine that is worse than all the others. A wicked device that groans and rocks and jumps and clunks. Here we are, innocent bulldogs, on a quiet afternoon, napping, chewing, snoring, dreaming. And then, all of a sudden, BANG, CLUNK, CLANG, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, SLOSH…
Me: Oh, that? The washing machine got out of balance.
Stella: The washing machine gets ‘out of balance’ a lot. Out of balance. Is that even a thing?
Me: Yes, especially with this washing machine and all the bulldog laundry it must process.
Stella: Blame it on the bulldogs, yes. Whatever goes wrong is all our doing. The washing machine, as you call it, is a human invention, is it not?
Me: Yes, but…
Stella: And the washing machine, as you call it, washes human clothes, does it not?
Me: Yes, but…
Stella: So how is it that we bulldogs are to blame for its loud clunkiness? Infernal human machines!
Me: Your blankets and beds are so heavy and bulky that they throw the balance off during the spin cycle…
Stella: Spin cycle. Blah. Blah. Blah. Is that even real? Why is an evil machine interrupting our afternoon nap?
Me: Well, I suppose we could just let all your bedding stay dirty and stinky. Or we could hose it off outside. It wouldn’t smell very good, but…
Stella: I do like that lavender scent. I do like it when my bedding is all fluffy and soft.
Me: That would pretty much go away if we stop using the machine for your stuff. Of course, we humans would still enjoy its benefits. It hardly ever goes off balance when it’s washing human clothes. But whatever you want…
Stella: Why is life so full of difficult choices? Why can’t I have my fluffy clean bedding AND my uninterrupted naps? Fine. Whatever. Go ahead with your washing machine, Lady Human. But I reserve the right to call it what it really is – INFERNAL MACHINE!
Me: Thank you for not cussing.
Stella: What is cussing?
Me: Never mind. Forget that I mentioned it. No one needs a cussing bulldog.
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