I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, are you dreaming? You have that kind of look on your face.
Me: More like hankering than dreaming. I’m wanting some flavored popcorn.
Sweetie: Me, too! I’m hankering, too!
Doodlebug: Is it okay if I hanker after some cheese?
Sweetie: Me, too! Let’s make a list of hankerings!
MoonCat: Everyone take a seat and get comfortable. This may take awhile. Add tunafish to my column.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. After the other day’s food fiasco, I have called a meeting to…
Sweetie: To guarantee the quality of all our food and treats. These matters must not be left in human hands any longer. All food will be inspected and approved by me.
Doodlebug: Why you?
Sweetie: My food.
Doodlebug: Mine, too!
Sweetie: Mine first!
MoonCat: To guarantee food quality, won’t we have to guarantee that there’s food? Don’t the humans do that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Speaking of food…
Me: Were we speaking of food?
Sweetie: Always. Humans eat different stuff all the time. Our food always looks the same.
Doodlebug: And you never eat our food, which is good because more for us.
Sweetie: Yeah, we want some different food.
MoonCat: Don’t look over here. Mine is mine.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Rights.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where’s our food? Food! Food! Food!
Me: It’s here. Y’all are food fixated.
Sweetie: Food is what it’s all about.
Me: No. Life is more than food and the body is more than clothing. Do you know who said that?
Sweetie: Clothing? Like sweaters? Life IS more than sweaters. No sweaters! No sweaters! No sweaters!
Doodlebug: Food! Food! Food!
MoonCat: And so run the one-track bulldog minds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those long sticks look yucky. Throw them away.
Me: First off, since when does a bulldog think anything looks yucky. Secondly, these carrots can be made into a soup or baked in a casserole, so no, I will not waste them.
Doodlebug: But they’re all limp and saggy and smooshy and…yellowy brown.
Me: But they’re not bad. Waste not, want not.
MoonCat: I definitely “want not”.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: That was good, Lady Human, but not nearly enough.
Me: That’s all for now.
Sweetie: MORE!
Me: Yelling won’t get you more.
Doodlebug: What if we both yell? MORE!
Me: Even less likely you’ll get more. More will make you bloated and you’ll feel bad.
Sweetie: Then how come I want more?
Me: One of the great philosophical questions of our time.
MoonCat: The answer is obvious. Need I say it aloud. Oh, all right. BULLDOG!
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, where is our food, please?
Me: Oh, yeah, it’s about that time, isn’t it?
Sweetie: Oh, not that “time” thing again.
Me: Well, it’s on schedule.
Sweetie: But the other day, you changed the “time” when we ate, so this “schedule” thing must not be all that.
Doodlebug: And a bag of potato chips. Are potato chips on the “schedule” thing? ‘Cause I wouldn’t mind it if they were. Wonderful things, potato chips.
MoonCat: Wonderful things – regular meals and never being really hungry. Don’t forget the important stuff. And the occasional can of tunafish.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: What is that delicious smell-good that is invading my nose? Ooh, it’s coming from the bag in the kitchen.
Me: No, no, no! That’s trash!
Doodlebug: It doesn’t smell like trash. Well, maybe it does. But that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes.
Me: There are no goodies in there for anybody. You’re probably smelling the greasy food leftovers from last night.
Sweetie: I must have missed that. Give me my greasy leftovers.
Me: Sorry, hon, they would upset your stomach.
Sweetie: Never waste food. A bulldog’s mouth is the perfect trash bag.
MoonCat: An accurate description if I ever heard one.
©️ 2025. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come you’re so quiet, Lady Human?
Me: I’m just thinking.
Doodlebug: Uh-oh.
MoonCat: A human thinking. Never a good thing. Hide!
Me: No, nothing bad. It’s just another holiday. New Year’s.
Sweetie: Where is its tree?
Me: New Year’s doesn’t get its own tree.
Doodlebug: Poor New Year’s. What does it get?
Me: Some people party. Some people cook a bunch of food. Some people shoot off fireworks. And some people like me are just quiet and think a lot. About the past. About the future.
Sweetie: About the food? Where are those food people? Let’s go New Year with them!
Copyright 2024. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Me, first! Me, first!
Me: You first what?
Sweetie: Me first to get the food you have in your hands!
Me: Who says I have food in my hands?
Doodlebug: Aw, Lady Human, the only things you ever have in your hands are food or some mess we made that you just cleaned up. And what you’re carrying right now does not smell like a mess.
Me: Well, it’s not, but it’s not our kind of food either. It’s food for the parakeets.
Sweetie: That counts!
MoonCat: No. I guarantee you. It does not.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Old English Bulldogges. Where is supper, Lady Human?
Me: Coming…There! How’s that look?
Sweetie: That’s wrong!
Doodlebug: Yeah, where’s the good stuff?
Me: That is good stuff.
Sweetie: No. No. No. Where’s the good stuff! You know. The GOOD STUFF!
Me: I don’t have any of the canned meat today, if that’s what you mean.
Doodlebug: MoonCat is getting some!
Me: MoonCat is getting cat food made for cats.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it smells wonderfully stinky and it’s in a can so why not let us try it?
Me: Nope. Let’s not cross that line.
Doodlebug: Not fair.
MoonCat: Eminently fair. And delicious. AND FOR CATS. Some lines should never be crossed.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Okay, when is it? When is it? When is it?
Me: When is what?
Sweetie: The special teatime you keep talking about. We’re ready.
Me: Oh, that’s just a human thing.
Doodlebug: Oh, no. Bait and switch, everybody!
Me: No, not ‘bait and switch’. You have your afternoon food. I have mine.
Sweetie: Yeah, hmmpphh. You get the good stuff.
MoonCat: No, I think, if you pay attention, you’ll see that Lady Human and I both get the good stuff. I’m glad that’s settled.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Me: Sweetie? Why haven’t you eaten your food?
Sweetie: I can’t. There’s a bug on my bowl.
Me: Oh, it’s just a fly. Shoo it off.
Sweetie: Do you eat food that a fly has sat on?
Me: As a matter of fact…
Sweetie: Ooo! Don’t tell me!
Me: Look. A fly wouldn’t stand a chance of sitting on your bowl if your big ole bulldog mouth would eat when your food is set down and not hours later.
Sweetie: There’s just no telling where its feet have been.
MoonCat: No doubt all the same places your feet have been.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Okay, what are you up to, Lady Human?
Me: Up to? Whatever do you mean?
Sweetie: I saw you fooling around with our softie food. You hid something in it, didn’t you?
Me: Would I do that?
Doodlebug: Absolutely!
Sweetie: Yes, without question!
MoonCat: Do I even need to answer that?
Me: Don’t you want this wonderful smelling treat? Mmmm! It’s so good. It’s your favorite!
Sweetie: It does smell good.
Doodlebug: It does look good.
MoonCat: Ask the question, bulldogs. What’s the catch?
Sweetie: Is this a bribe?
Doodlebug: Yeah, you want us to do something we wouldn’t do otherwise.
Sweetie: But it does look good.
Doodlebug: And it does smell good. Oh, all right. Give it here.
Sweetie: Mmmm. Is there any more?
Me: Not right now.
MoonCat: You all sold out cheap.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is the meaning of this? I have never been treated so shabbily in my life!
Me: What’s the problem now?
Doodlebug: There is some kind of muck in my food bowl.
Sweetie: Back to a one star review.
Me: We’ve been over this. This is not a hotel or a restaurant.
Sweetie: Good thing. You wouldn’t be in business by sundown.
Me: The “muck” in your bowl is fresh homemade food, made just for y’all.
Doodlebug: I beg your pardon. Our standards are higher than this.
Me: Higher standards? Like when I caught you trying to eat your own…
Sweetie: Don’t bring that up, Lady Human. That’s a painful memory. And a foul smell.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is Lady Human?
Sweetie: She’s here in the food room, staring at a pot.
Doodlebug: Did the pot ask to be stared at?
Sweetie: Yeah, is it that good-looking, ma’am? Is it better looking than I am? ‘Cuz I don’t think so.
Me: No, I’m just heating some water to make tea.
Doodlebug: Does staring at it help?
Me: No, in fact, there’s an old saying about watched pots never boiling and…
Sweetie: Then stop it right now!
MoonCat: Yes, because I’m staring at my empty food bowl and it’s still not filling up.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you all have fouled things up again.
Me: Whatever do you mean?
MoonCat: Meow. Dinnertime. Late. Fix it. Now.
Me: Well, I’ve been going by the time change, so, yes, I guess mealtimes seem late the last few days.
Doodlebug: Seem? There’s no seem about it. Where’s the food?
Me: Since it’s been getting a little darker earlier and the time changed, you all have been eating at different times so…
Sweetie: I’m not talking about what WE have been doing. I’m talking about what YOU have been doing. How come meals are late?
MoonCat: Meow. We have been patient.
Sweetie: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You humans have been fooling around with the sun again. Telling us when it will rise and when it will set.
Doodlebug: Yeah, as though you know!
MoonCat: I know this. Hungry. Food. Give it. NOW!
Outright 2023 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What is that you are doing, Lady Human? What is in your hand?
Me: Well, it’s your food bowl.
Doodlebug: It’s not my food bowl. My food bowl is always over there, ready when I want it.
Sweetie: Yeah, what are you trying to do, ma’am? Confuse us? Leave well enough alone.
Me: His food bowl comes close to getting spilled every time I walk through here.
Doodlebug: Then don’t walk through here. Walk through there.
MoonCat: Meow. Don’t move my food bowl. How will I find it in the dark?
Me: Uh, the same way you find everything else in the dark?
MoonCat: Hmmm. Questionable.
Sweetie: We are set in our ways. If it ain’t fixed, don’t break it.
Me: I think you mean “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sweetie: That’s what I said.
Doodlebug: We like the way we have things set up. If you go changing the setup, no telling what might happen.
Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human, we might go changing your set ways. Then where might your food bowl end up.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
“Resist temptation! Resist it! Resist! Oh, doggone it! Why’d they leave it out where it could call my name?”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. We are about to enjoy an evening snack as soon as Lady Human says it has cooled down enough. I am looking forward…ew, who has bad breath?
Me: Since he just this second walked in from outside, you have one guess.
Stella; Doodlebug! Aaaaggghh! Gag! Gag! Gag!
Me: I caught him off in the corner of the yard where he evidently located a ‘snack’.
Tiger: Pee-yoo. Doodle, we’re about to have a real food snack. Why are you eating leftovers outside?
Doodlebug: I’m hungry now. Why wait?
Wiggles: Because that nasty stuff out there is waste.
Doodlebug: But you raid the waste basket all the time.
Wiggles: That’s different. That’s indoor waste. It’s fresher and only stinks in a good way.
Miss Sweetie: All Doodle is doing is what the humans call ‘recycling’. I thought that was a good thing.
Me: Mmmmm. Different. We don’t eat our recyclables. Especially not that kind of recyclable.
Stella: That stuff we leave outside is no better than junk food, Doodle boy. And, speaking of food, where is that good food snack you promised us, Lady Human? It should be cool enough by this time.
Me: Here it comes. Scrambled eggs.
Stella: I hope you left room for real food, Doodlebug. If not, I will be happy to take yours.
Doodlebug: Not necessary, Aunt Stella. I always have room for more. Bring it on!
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 