“Resist temptation! Resist it! Resist! Oh, doggone it! Why’d they leave it out where it could call my name?”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Resist Temptation
Junk Food – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. We are about to enjoy an evening snack as soon as Lady Human says it has cooled down enough. I am looking forward…ew, who has bad breath?
Me: Since he just this second walked in from outside, you have one guess.
Stella; Doodlebug! Aaaaggghh! Gag! Gag! Gag!
Me: I caught him off in the corner of the yard where he evidently located a ‘snack’.
Tiger: Pee-yoo. Doodle, we’re about to have a real food snack. Why are you eating leftovers outside?
Doodlebug: I’m hungry now. Why wait?
Wiggles: Because that nasty stuff out there is waste.
Doodlebug: But you raid the waste basket all the time.
Wiggles: That’s different. That’s indoor waste. It’s fresher and only stinks in a good way.
Miss Sweetie: All Doodle is doing is what the humans call ‘recycling’. I thought that was a good thing.
Me: Mmmmm. Different. We don’t eat our recyclables. Especially not that kind of recyclable.
Stella: That stuff we leave outside is no better than junk food, Doodle boy. And, speaking of food, where is that good food snack you promised us, Lady Human? It should be cool enough by this time.
Me: Here it comes. Scrambled eggs.
Stella: I hope you left room for real food, Doodlebug. If not, I will be happy to take yours.
Doodlebug: Not necessary, Aunt Stella. I always have room for more. Bring it on!
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
So, Chickens Are Good for Something – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Chickens live in our yard. Why? Lady Human will not let us chase them or eat them. What good are they? Fluffy white little weird two-legged things that have wings but cannot fly, that make loud squawky noises but never say anything intelligent. It’s almost like they are cats.
Me: Why are you so down on the chickens? I’ve seen you standing out there staring at them.
Stella: Because they are funny-looking and funny smelling. And their pointy faces look angry all the time, so I keep waiting for them to tell me why. As queen, I may be able to do something about their complaints.
Me: Are you now going to be queen of the Silkie Chickens?
Stella: Hmmm. If they need a queen, I would be willing to serve. But they would have to stop being so weird.
Me: They don’t think that they are weird. They just think that they are chickens.
Stella: What is that you have there? Eggs?
Me: Yes.
Stella: That doesn’t look like the eggs that they have kicked at us in the yard.
Me: Those were raw. These are hard boiled. I cooked them.
Stella: How horrible! Lady Human, you cooked the chickens’ babies? NO!
Me: We talked about this, Stella. These eggs were never going to be baby chickens. There is no rooster. That means there is no daddy. These eggs will just stay eggs. I didn’t notice you and the others refraining from the eggs that they kicked at you. Where was your outrage then?
Stella: We figured that any eggs they kicked out couldn’t be their babies so…Wait, what are you giving Wiggles, and Sweetie, and Tiger, and Doodlebug?
Me: I just peeled the shells off the cooked eggs. Would you like to try one?
Stella: Well, if you’re giving them away…I guess I could taste one…just one.
Me: Here.
Stella: Where have these been all my life? More. More! MORE!
Me: One is enough for now. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. What do you have to say about chickens now?
Stella: How many chickens are there?
Me: Six.
Stella: And how many of these things can they lay?
Me: About one a day. Sometimes they skip a day.
Stella: So where are all the eggs they have been laying?
Me: We and our human neighbors have a claim on them, too, you know.
Stella: Not anymore.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
But We Already Have a Garbage Can – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Wiggles: And I am Wiggles, Destroyer of Garbage.
Me: Yeah, I know. I found the remains.
Wiggles: Isn’t it cool?
Me: No, it is not cool.
Wiggles: Waste not, want not. Isn’t that what smart humans say? I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.
Me: When I throw something away, there is a reason and I expect it to stay thrown away.
Wiggles: And it did stay thrown away, Lady Human. It stayed thrown away in my stomach.
Stella: Why don’t I get these gourmet opportunities?
Me: Since when is garbage a gourmet opportunity?
Stella: Since it came home in a paper bag and smelled delicious. Paper bags are bulldog clues. They always carry delicious leftovers as you humans call them. What was in that bag?
Me: What I failed to eat of a sub sandwich.
Stella: Sandwich. Mmmm. Let me guess. Bread. Meat. Fragrant sauce. Why did you not offer that to me? Why was I not favored with special garbage?
Me: It’s not good for you. I can count on you not to nose through the trash. I can’t count on Wiggles. I forgot. My mistake.
Wiggles: Awww. But I disposed of the garbage for you. I am a helpful dog. Think how much less garbage would be on Earth if you just let me run through it.
Me: You may have a point. You might qualify as the environmental wonder of the world. Still…the upset stomach…
Wiggles: Oh, I forgot about that. All right. I’ll just rummage through our own trash. That will still be a big help.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Why Do Cats Get Special Food? – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sure, we bulldogs get food. Lady Human measures it out to us every morning. She says the white coat lady whom she calls Vet (humans have such bizarre names) says that we should not eat too much, or we will get fat. Very well. But why shouldn’t we get special food, especially if we are not allowed to overeat?
Me: What special food are you talking about?
Stella: You can’t fool me.
Me: I didn’t know that I was trying to fool you.
Stella: I see when you sneak great smelling stuff into the cat’s bowl, ignoring the rest of us.
Me: Great smelling stuff like…tuna fish? Salmon? Really?
Stella: Just proof that you don’t love us as much as you love Moon the Cat…wait, sorry, MOONCAT.
Me: You’ve gotten special salmon dog food before.
Stella: When?
Me: I don’t remember. Sometime.
Stella: If it didn’t happen in the last ten minutes, it didn’t happen. Step up your game, Lady Human. Do you eat the same thing every day?
Me: Yeah, until the leftovers are gone.
Stella: Leftovers? What are leftovers?
Me: Something a bulldog would never experience.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.
Reading the Ground – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am strolling around the yard with Lady Human, not doing any business if you know what I mean. We are just checking out spring. What are you staring at?
Me: You.
Stella: Yes, I do deserve your undivided attention.
Me: I like watching how you work your nose.
Stella: Haven’t you heard? Humans say that bulldogs are not a “working” breed.
Me: Looks like work to me.
Stella: I am reading the ground. I think that is how a human would put it. But not the way you read one of those silly things you call a “book” because that would just be weird. You would have to put it on the ground and stick your nose on it and sniff and sniff and leave some nose drool and a nose print on it. I can’t really imagine you doing that.
Me: So, when you read the ground, what do you learn?
Stella: Who passed by this way, what they had to eat, whether this is their favorite pee spot. Stuff like that.
Me: Yeah, you wouldn’t get much out of my books.
Stella: You mean I wouldn’t be able to tell who had handled it, or who had just eaten pizza or a hamburger or a chicken treat, or who had peed on it?
Me: I certainly hope not.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Fun Times – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human and Wiggles went off together by themselves the other day. I have held my peace in patience UNTIL NOW! Where did you go? What did you do? Why were you gone so long?
Me: And why is any of this your business?
Stella: Everything having to do with the Pack is my business. I am the Queen. If someone is having fun, I need to know about it so that I can demand equal fun time for me.
Me: If you must know, Wiggles and I went to the vet the other day.
Stella: Wrong answer! Visits to the vet never take that long.
Me: They do when the vet is super busy. Wiggles, where did we go in the car?
Wiggles: To a place I have been before.
Me: I know. But what happened there?
Wiggles: Stuff.
Stella: I know what you were doing. You were eating ice cream and corny dogs.
Me: Wiggles, were we eating anything?
Wiggles: No, there was no eating. I kept waiting and then that nice lady said something about a treat and then nothing like that happened and I was sad.
Me: What did happen?
Wiggles: One nice lady poked something into my rear end. That was not a treat. And then another nice lady let a bug bite me.
Me: That was a rabies vaccination.
Wiggles: She should not have let that bite me.
Me: It’s not a bug. It’s a shot with a needle.
Wiggles: She caught me when I was not looking. Not fair.
Me: Okay, Stella, does that sound like lots of fun to you?
Stella: I’m still not sure what was going on. But I’m sure I smelled corny dog on Wiggles’ breath when she got back.
Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Yet Another Human Party Day – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human tells me that this is yet another human holiday. How many holidays can humans have? She says that this one celebrates a change in what they call a calendar. I am glad bulldogs do not have such silly things.
Me: It would just be one more thing to chew up.
Stella: And this is just one more day for humans to party.
Me: You don’t see me partying, do you?
Stella: You party by watching things on the Picture Box and eating nuts.
Me: Yes. That makes pretty much every day a party for me.
Stella: I don’t understand what this celebration is about. The humans on the Picture Box pop exploding bottles that shoot foam everywhere. They fire off guns and rockets that blow up the sky.
Me: And, hopefully, nothing else.
Stella: What’s the big deal? You said that you all change the calendar and, from what I gather, a calendar is a short book made of paper with numbers written on each page and each page has a different name but none of them are named after dogs, so I don’t really care. Is that about right?
Me: Yeah, pretty much.
Stella: So why celebrate paper?
Me: It’s the idea of a new start. The year changes and people like to think about changing things in their lives.
Stella: But they’ve already changed the calendar. Isn’t that enough? Humans are so needy.
Me: A lot of people like to start a diet after the holidays to lose weight.
Stella: Diet. You mean as in eating less?
Me: Yep. Maybe. That can be part of it.
Stella: Madness! Let’s get this so-called holiday over with as soon as possible. Eating less? Preposterous. Keep your new calendars. I’ll stick with last year’s. Bulldogs eating less. The very idea…
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Fuzz Is Not For Eating – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Bulldogs love to eat, preferably food, but we have been known to eat other things. That is, we have been known to eat anything that will fit in our mouths.
Me: In other words, you settle.
Stella: No settling involved. If it fits, we eats.
Me: Yeah, like that fuzz that was on the floor.
Miss Sweetie: It looked like ice cream.
Tiger: Yeah, if you didn’t want us to eat it, why did you put it on the floor?
Me: I didn’t PUT it on the floor. It fell on the floor.
Tiger: Same difference. Humans are in charge of everything.
Me: Not exactly. I wish you all would understand that.
Snoopey: Now you are going to tell us that some mysterious force that no one can see causes the fake food to fall on the floor.
Me: Well, yes. Gravity.
Stella: Ridiculous. Human nonsense. Who ever heard of gravity? I think she makes that stuff up.
Me: I do not need to argue the existence of gravity. Just drop something and watch it fall. Not up. Down.
Doodlebug: I saw that delicious fuzz fly up before it headed for my mouth.
Wiggles: That proves there is no such thing as gravity. Lady Human is fooling us.
Me: My whole point is that you all not eat just anything that falls on the floor. Fuzz is not food.
Stella: It should be labelled as ‘NOT FOOD’.
Me: Why? You can’t read.
Stella: Oh, yeah. Well then, put one of those circles with a line on it.
Miss Sweetie: Yes, I would definitely eat that.
Me: All right, here’s a test. In my left hand, I am holding a piece of fuzz. In my right hand, I am holding a treat. Which one should you eat?
Stella: Put them both on the floor. We will check them out and let you know.
Miss Sweetie: Wait. What flavor is the fuzz?
Doodlebug: Does it matter?
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Food Day – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today is what our humans call Food Day.
Me: No, today is what we call Thanksgiving Day.
Stella: Same thing.
Me: Not really. Remember this morning when I gave you all your breakfast? Do you remember what I said to each of you?
Stella: Yes, you said, “Food. Food. Blah. Blah. Blah.”
Me: No, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving!”
Stella: Same thing.
Me: I admit that special food plays a big part in this celebration.
Stella: Is that why you ate chips and salsa for breakfast?
Me: I… really, I just…well, the chips and salsa were sitting there.
Stella: And they jumped into your mouth because they are special food for Food Day, especially in the morning.
Me: Forget about the chips and salsa thing.
Stella: It is hard to forget that picture in my mind.
Me: Back to Thanksgiving Day. It is a special day for giving thanks to God and remembering our blessings.
Stella: Just today? That is stingy.
Me: No, not just today. We should give thanks every day. But today is a public celebration. Families. Friends. Special food. Well-wishing.
Stella: Like those humans who throw money in a hole in the ground.
Me: No, not at all. This well-wishing is hoping everyone has a happy day. So Happy Thanksgiving, Stella girl.
Stella: And to you, too, Lady Human. Have a good Food Food Blah Blah Blah Day.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Floor Licker – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My manners are fastidious. That’s what Lady Human says. I don’t know what fastidious means, but it sounds great! Just like me. I am fastidious.
Me: Well, you don’t lick the floor.
Stella: So not fastidious people lick the floor?
Me: No, but non-fastidious dogs do.
Stella: Oh, like you-know-who. And the other you-know-who. And the other you-know…
Me: Like every bulldog I know, except for you.
Stella: They are simply not fastidious like me.
Me: I understand licking a spot where food has fallen, but Wiggles, for example, licks random spots that have no rational relationship with food.
Stella: How do you know?
Me: I know because no food has fallen in those spots.
Stella: How do you know?
Me: I can look at the floor and see.
Stella: Pffft! It’s not what a floor looks like that counts. Humans are so silly. Smell, Lady Human. Millions of nasal receptors, Lady Human. The floor smells like…what is one of those places that sells lots of food all at once?
Me: A smorgasbord?
Stella: What? No!
Me: A buffet?
Stella: Mmmm. No.
Me: A grocery store?
Stella: That’s it! But please introduce me to those other food places I’ve never heard of when you get a chance. What other secrets are you withholding from me?
Me: I can’t begin to explain.
Stella: Well, well, so hidden smelly spots on the floor are not the only mysteries here.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldog Menu – Conversations with Stella and Snoopey
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is time to order supper. Lady Human, I will have the salmon with potato.
Snoopey: And I will have the lamb and rice. Sweetie is sleeping, so I will order the lamb for her, too. And give it to Tiger. She hates lamb. Ordering for others is great!
Me: Hold your horses there, partners.
Stella: Are there horses here, too? Are they having supper with us? Cool.
Me: No, it’s an old expression. It’s a friendly way of saying, “Stop!”
Stella: Will it hold up our meal? This is a terrible restaurant.
Me: We’ve talked about that before, Stella. This is not a restaurant. This is our home.
Stella: A nice home. And a terrible restaurant. Very limited menu.
Snoopey: The service lacks much to be desired.
Stella: Well, Lady Human, you have our order. The others can put theirs in later. When does the kitchen close?
Me: We don’t have a menu, Stella, and the kitchen is already closed. We have your regular food, not the salmon or the lamb right now. The store was out. I will have to buy more when they get a new shipment.
Stella: You don’t make our food? You have someone else make it? You mean we’ve been eating take-out? Snoopey, rate this restaurant as negative 4 stars, whatever that means. Humans seem to care a lot about stars and check marks and sticking their thumbs up in the air.
Snoopey: Yes, I saw a man doing that on the side of the road. Very popular.
Me: You’ve seen me carry the big bags of food in. Did you really think that I was fixing it outside and then bringing it into the house in sacks?
Stella: There is no telling what you do outside and bring into the house, Lady Human. I am afraid to even guess.
Copyright 2017 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
What is Jury Duty? Do They Serve Food?
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human awakened us for breakfast at an unreasonable hour this morning. It was still dark. Food is good, but not in the dark. Why, Lady Human, why, oh why?
Me: Hey, at least you all got to go right back to sleep. I had to catch a train into town so I wouldn’t have to deal with traffic and parking.
Stella: Why, oh why would you get up and leave in the dark to go someplace called ‘town’ where you never go?
Me: Jury duty.
Stella: Nonsense.
Me: No, jury duty is a real thing.
Stella: What I mean is that those are just more human nonsense words. What would drag you out in the middle of the night away from your loving bulldogs?
Me: It was just a little before sunrise, not the middle of the night. Still…you’re right. Every once in a long, long while, people get a jury summons. Our court system calls us to serve on a jury to judge the facts of a case.
Stella: As I said, nonsense. Blah, blah, blah.
Me: Suffice it to say, I had to go downtown. I had no choice. To get there on time, I had to leave ultra-early.
Stella: So, you did this jury duty nonsense thing?
Me: I showed up. They didn’t need me so they sent me home.
Stella: Darn tootin’ they sent you back! How dare they take you away in the first place?
Me: Humans have responsibilities to other humans. This is one of the more minor ones.
Stella: Is jury duty fun?
Me: Mmmmm.
Stella: No fun. Is there a bunch of food? Do you get fed for going to ‘jury duty’?
Me: Nope. No food. I took my own sack lunch.
Stella: No fun. No food. Do you play games?
Me: Nope. No games. It’s all pretty serious.
Stella: No fun. No food. No games. Do you make a lot of that stuff you call ‘money’?
Me: Nope.
Stella: No fun. No food. No games. No money. Why do it then?
Me: Duty.
Stella: I don’t want to know any more. Duty does not sound like a bulldog thing.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
All Eyes on You – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Let’s wait and see what happens.
Me: What’s going on? Why are you all looking at me?
Stella: Nobody say anything. Just stare.
Me: Okay, that’s not funny, y’all. Why are you staring at me? Why is nobody moving?
Stella: Why, Lady Human, whatever do you mean?
Me: You. All of you. Staring. Without blinking.
Stella: Yeah, scary, huh?
Me: Are you trying to scare me?
Stella: No. Yes. Maybe. Did it work?
Me: It’s just kind of weird to look down and have everyone focused on me for no reason.
Stella: It’s never for no reason.
Me: What is the reason then?
Stella: Where you are standing.?
Me: Yeah, what about it?
Stella: Kitchen.
Me: Okay.
Stella: We are ready. Whatever you decide to do, we are ready.
Me: What do you think I’m going to do?
Stella: Something having to do with food. Don’t worry. We are ready.
Me: I came to get some water. For me. Just water. For me.
Stella: No, the kitchen is for food. We are ready.
Me: I’m not doing any food stuff now.
Stella: Awwww.
Me: You want some more water?
Stella: No, thank you.
Me: All right then. I am leaving the kitchen now. You can stop staring at me.
Stella: Sweetie! Wiggles! Take first watch. If she makes a move toward the kitchen, sound the alert. Our sleepy eyeballs can be open in a heartbeat.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
The Joy of Cooking with Bulldogs – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and today I am in the kitchen, helping Lady Human prepare whatever the mess is that she is cooking.
Me: Mess? I beg your pardon?
Stella: Pardon granted. We may be able to salvage some of it. It is hard to tell at this point.
Me: Wait! I just dropped that. Let me clean…
Wiggles: Never mind. All cleaned up.
Me: Oh, okay. Thanks. But don’t clean up any garlic or onion that I drop. Not good for you.
Miss Sweetie: What is that on the floor there?
Me: I don’t know. The cat was interested in that spot a while ago, too. Wait!
Snoopey: No problem, Lady Human. I got it. Kind of sweet.
Me: All right. I don’t know what that was. Let me get the rest of my ingredients into the slow cooker.
Tiger: Slow cooking is not a problem for me. I eat most things raw.
Me: Well, this is for me and I like to blend the flavors in a slow heat.
Stella: For you? How selfish!
Doodlebug: When this recipe doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, I will be happy to gobble up the wreck. That is my purpose in life. To clean up human food messes.
Me: This will not be a wreck.
Stella: Promises. Promises.
Wiggles: Just toss what you don’t want on the floor. We are waiting.
Me: I am not tossing good food on the floor.
Stella: Who said anything about good?
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Why Are You Reading in the Kitchen? – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have witnessed humans ‘reading’ their strange books before, but never in the food preparation room that they call the ‘kitchen’. It doesn’t seem right. Food. Books. Reading. All at the same time. All in the same room. Nope.
Me: The book I was reading was what we call a ‘cookbook’.
Stella: Even worse. You cooked a book? Disgusting.
Me: No. I didn’t cook a book.
Stella: That’s what it smelled like to me.
Me: I was trying a new recipe for crispy bread.
Stella: Sounds like a cooked book to me. Why can’t you try cooking something delicious that has meat in it?
Me: Maybe next time. I used to cook and bake all the time and then…I stopped.
Stella: Why? Because all your cooking and baking tasted terrible?
Me: No… well, some of it did. I stopped because I was the only one eating the result and a lot was going to waste.
Stella: That was before you had bulldogs, wasn’t it?
Me: As a matter of fact, …
Stella: Because we would have SO cleaned up your leftovers.
Me: Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. With the weather getting cooler, I may be doing more baking and soup cooking so…
Stella: Here’s my list: anything with meat in it as in chicken, beef, pork, and whatever else counts as meat, cheese dishes, and anything else you’ve got. If I don’t like it, I’ll let you know and then you can throw it out. So, keep on reading in the kitchen, Lady Human. Turn it into a library if you want to.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
If It’s Not Food, DON’T EAT IT! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am grossed out. I think that is the right way to say that I am grossed out.
Me: Are you disgusted?
Stella: Yes.
Me: Is your stomach turned?
Stella: Yes.
Me: Then ‘grossed out’ is the proper term.
Stella: Do you know that Doodlebug threw up? A whole bunch?
Me: Yes, I certainly do.
Stella: Doodle! Why would you do such a thing in the house?
Doodlebug: Uuuhhh. Yuck.
Me: Well, let’s see here. There are one…two…three leaves, completely intact. Were you eating leaves earlier?
Doodlebug: Uuuhhh.
Me: Don’t eat leaves.
Snoopey: I’ve eaten leaves and THAT didn’t happen.
Me: Probably different leaves. There is an oak leaf and 2 heart-shaped leaves I don’t recognize. I’ll have to do a search of the yard. Doodlebug, don’t eat leaves!
Doodlebug: It’s all right, Lady Human. I feel better now.
Stella: Gross! If you are going to make yourself sick, please have the courtesy to the rest of us to do it OUTSIDE!
Doodlebug: I wasn’t trying to make myself sick. I was minding my own business and it just happened.
Stella: Since when does it just happen? Stop eating stuff you find in the yard. Leaves, and yes, I will say it out loud. Poop!
Miss Sweetie: Ummm! Aunt Stella said an ugly word. She said ‘poop’.
Me: Yes, poop is a big issue since y’all came.
Miss Sweetie: Funny word. Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
Me: It’s okay to say ‘poop’. It is not okay to eat it. So there! I said that! Doodle, are you listening?
Doodlebug: The leaves made me sick. They were stuck to the poop.
Stella: That’s the point. You wouldn’t have eaten the leaves if you hadn’t been eating the…you know…don’t make me say it again.
Miss Sweetie: Poop. I said it for you, Aunt Stella.
Me: Okay. The mess is cleaned up. Can we move on to a more pleasant subject?
Stella: Sure, but first, all this talk about…you know what…has made me want to go outside and…you know what.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to The Bulldog Cafe – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and proprietor of The Bulldog Café.
Me: The Bulldog Café? Is that a real thing?
Stella: Of course. On the menu tonight is Victor Adult Dog food. It comes in a big yellow bag. It does not make you sick and our skin is fine so I guess it is okay. I used to eat a food that gave me lots of bad gas…
Me: Wait. You are running a café? Don’t talk about bad gas and skin problems.
Stella: What else should bulldogs talk about? When it comes to food, only the very best and that means stuff that doesn’t give you gas or make your skin itch and your hair fall out. Now where was I before I was so RUDELY interrupted? Oh, yes…on our menu tonight, popcorn.
Me: No.
Stella: How can I run a café without desserts and snacks?
Me: No popcorn.
Stella: Just a little bit.
Me: Nope.
Stella: But…but…but…
Me: I am not saying never. I am saying not tonight. I’ll do more research.
Stella: Research besmirch. You humans and your little black boxes and your fingers tapping, tapping, tapping. On our menu tonight, ice cream.
Me: Nope.
Stella: Why ever not?
Me: I don’t have any and I have to do…
Stella: I know. I know. More research. Leave it to a human to make everything complicated and unfun. So, what’s left? Oh, yes. On our menu tonight – plain water. There! Does that make you happy, Lady Human?
Me: Well, it doesn’t make me unhappy. In fact, I’ll have some with you. Water is healthy.
Stella: Yippee! So much for The Bulldog Café. I can’t wait to see our ratings on Yelp. Phhhuuuhhh!
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill
No Double Dipping – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am ticked off. Is that the correct term, Lady Human? Ticked off?
Me: If you mean that you are annoyed, angry, riled up, fuming…
Stella: That’s me!
Me: Is there a reason or…
Stella: Of course, there is a reason. There is always a reason. I am a reasonable bulldog.
Me: Do the words ‘reasonable’ and ‘bulldog’ go together?
Stella: YES! Why am I ticked off, you ask.
Me: I didn’t actually ask why? I just wondered if there were a reason or…
Stella: SILENCE, PEASANT!
Me: I beg your pardon!
Stella: Not yet! Why was Snoopey fed twice today? Why? Why? Why?
Me: Snoopey was not fed twice.
Stella: Yes, she was. She double dipped. That is not fair. It is not allowed.
Me: Snoopey was fed once. There was no double dipping, as you call it.
Stella: You took the huge plastic spoon…
Me: The scoop…
Stella: I said that. The huge plastic spoon and the food bucket around and we each got our food and then you went out and came back with more food and put it in Snoopey’s bowl.
Me: I ran out of food on the first go-round before Snoopey got fed. I had to get more out of the storage can. When I came back in, I put food in Snoopey’s bowl. Snoopey did not double dip. She got fed once.
Stella: It looked suspicious and unfair to me.
Me: You were napping during breakfast. I saw you peak a couple of times. You missed the part where I ran out of food.
Stella: NO DOUBLE DIPPING! NO DOUBLE DIPPING!
Me: Is this going to turn into another bulldog strike?
Stella: Not if you double dip me.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Where Are Your Food Bowls? – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I…
Me: Where are your food bowls?
Stella: Lady Human, interrupting me while I am addressing my subjects? How RUDE!
Me: Where are your food bowls?
Stella: We rearranged a few things.
Me: Rearranged as in carried off? Have you hidden them?
Stella: We like them. They make excellent drums.
Me: I don’t want to have to go in search of them come breakfast time.
Stella: Sweetie likes to wear hers and sit in it and step in it. Doodlebug is a better drummer though.
Me: Yes. You are all very versatile. But I need them.
Stella: No, you don’t. I have seen the sloppy way you humans eat. Round bowls and flat bowls and small bowls and square bowls. You never even have the decency to put your faces down into them. You bring the food up to your mouths with those long metal stabbers and pointy silver pokers.
Me: I don’t need your bowls for me. I need your bowls for you all. Otherwise, breakfast tomorrow may be delayed.
Stella: Delayed?
Me: You don’t want me to pour it on the ground, do you?
Stella: Food delayed? Everybody, pull in the bowls! Wiggles! Where is your food bowl?
Wiggles: It was in my way. I moved it.
Stella: Get it! Doodlebug!
Doodlebug: Mine was empty so I didn’t need it anymore.
Stella: No, silly! You need it every day. Tiger?
Tiger: It’s around here somewhere. Why?
Stella: Breakfast tomorrow, that’s why. Snoopey?
Snoopey: I like to eat my food off the floor. It’s neater that way.
Stella: Aaagggh! Whatever! Sweetie?
Miss Sweetie: Yes?
Stella: All right, Sweetie, I can see where yours is.
Miss Sweetie: Where?
Stella: Really? You are sitting in it.
Miss Sweetie: No, I’m not.
Stella: I can see it under you.
Miss Sweetie: That’s my chair.
Stella: Bring all bowls forward! Now!
Snoopey: Where is yours?
Stella: Never you mind.
Snoopey: I think it’s under your toys. I think I can get it.
Stella: Don’t even try. Now who’s stupid for befriending the big purple dinosaur in my crate?
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.
Bulldoggy 