Reading the Ground – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am strolling around the yard with Lady Human, not doing any business if you know what I mean. We are just checking out spring. What are you staring at?

Me:        You.

Stella:    Yes, I do deserve your undivided attention.

Me:        I like watching how you work your nose.

Stella:    Haven’t you heard? Humans say that bulldogs are not a “working” breed.

Me:        Looks like work to me.

Stella:    I am reading the ground. I think that is how a human would put it. But not the way you read one of those silly things you call a “book” because that would just be weird. You would have to put it on the ground and stick your nose on it and sniff and sniff and leave some nose drool and a nose print on it. I can’t really imagine you doing that.

Me:        So, when you read the ground, what do you learn?

Stella:    Who passed by this way, what they had to eat, whether this is their favorite pee spot. Stuff like that.

Me:        Yeah, you wouldn’t get much out of my books.

Stella:    You mean I wouldn’t be able to tell who had handled it, or who had just eaten pizza or a hamburger or a chicken treat, or who had peed on it?

Me:        I certainly hope not.

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Stinky Hands – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans stink. They say that dogs do. They say our paws smell like corn chips, whatever those are. Corn chips. Mmmmm, they sound delicious. But back to my point – humans stink. I had to pull back my nose from Lady Human’s hands because they smelled so awful.

Me:        I saw that and I don’t know what your problem is.

Stella:    Millions of scent receptors, remember.

Me:        My hands don’t smell.

Stella:    Millions of scent receptors cannot be wrong.

Me:        What do I smell like?

Stella:    Where do I begin? You smell like whatever you ate last, the last three dogs you petted, that soap you wash your dishes with, that soap you wash your clothes with, everything you walked through for the past few days, raccoons, skunks, chickens, squirrels – yuck, grass, dirt, poop…

Me:        Okay, thank you. I get the picture. But I washed my hands and you still wrinkled up your nose.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. My nose is always wrinkled.

Me:        You pulled your head back and said, “Pffft”.

Stella:    I have the right of free speech. The right to comment on what assaults my senses. Pffft was the best description I could think of.

Me:        What does Pffft mean?

Stella:    Think of the worst smelling thing ever, a scent that humans hate. It sneaks into your nose and suddenly, ATTACKS! What would you say? PFFFT, of course! The perfect word for bad smells. It blows the scent out of your mouth and nose and says, Stay away, you nasty smell! Go back to the place you came from! Which in this case was your stinky hands.

Me:        Pffft. Okay. I’ll have to remember that. I’ll have to remember that every day.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Uh-oh! Bath Day! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.The funniest thing ever happened. I am still laughing. Lady Human, did you see the hilarious thing that happened?

Me: I must not have because I am not laughing, but I could stand to have a good one. What happened?

Stella: You gave Miss Sweetie a bath.

Me: Yes, and….

Stella: Miss Sweetie is always so stinky and dirty.

Me: Yes, and…

Stella: She is forever rolling in dirt and mud and she sticks her head in trash cans.

Me: Yes, and…what is so funny? I am missing the punch line.

Stella: When she came back in the room, Tiger was running through…and she stopped and turned around…and ran up to Miss Sweetie and sniffed…because she smelled like a completely different dog and Tiger didn’t recognize her! Isn’t that hilarious? Tiger thought Miss Sweetie wasn’t Miss Sweetie because she smelled GOOD!

Me: I can understand her confusion. 

Stella: We read the world with our noses. You can’t always believe your eyes, but a bulldog can always believe her nose.

Me: The new shampoo really worked. Pineapple scented.

Stella: Keep using it. It will make Miss Sweetie more popular.

Me: I think she smells a lot better, too. Speaking of baths…

Stella: Still laughing. Can’t stop.

Me: It’s time for yours.

Stella: Huh?

Me: Your bath. It’s time for your bath.

Stella: Un-uh. I don’t stink. I am super clean.

Me: Among the bulldogs, you are the cleanest, I’ll give you that. 

Stella: I am the Queen. One must keep up appearances.

Me: How do you keep your ears so clean?

Stella: Simple. I don’t roll in the dirt. But I can’t have a bath.

Me: Why not? You have before.

Stella: It’s that new shampoo you use. If I start smelling like a pineapple, my subjects will not recognize me.

Me: Sure they will.

Stella: Worse. They will start calling me ‘Queen Pineapple’. Bulldogs can be so cruel.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.