All Eyes on You – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Shhhhh! Let’s wait and see what happens.

Me:        What’s going on? Why are you all looking at me?

Stella:    Nobody say anything. Just stare.

Me:        Okay, that’s not funny, y’all. Why are you staring at me? Why is nobody moving?

Stella:    Why, Lady Human, whatever do you mean?

Me:        You. All of you. Staring. Without blinking.

Stella:    Yeah, scary, huh?

Me:        Are you trying to scare me?

Stella:    No. Yes. Maybe. Did it work?

Me:        It’s just kind of weird to look down and have everyone focused on me for no reason.

Stella:    It’s never for no reason.

Me:        What is the reason then?

Stella:    Where you are standing.?

Me:        Yeah, what about it?

Stella:    Kitchen.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    We are ready. Whatever you decide to do, we are ready.

Me:        What do you think I’m going to do?

Stella:    Something having to do with food. Don’t worry. We are ready.

Me:        I came to get some water. For me. Just water. For me.

Stella:    No, the kitchen is for food. We are ready.

Me:        I’m not doing any food stuff now.

Stella:    Awwww.

Me:        You want some more water?

Stella:    No, thank you.

Me:        All right then. I am leaving the kitchen now. You can stop staring at me.

Stella:    Sweetie! Wiggles! Take first watch. If she makes a move toward the kitchen, sound the alert. Our sleepy eyeballs can be open in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Eye Contact – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. If we ever meet, face to face, do not make eye contact. I am a predator. You humans are predators. Keep your eyeballs to yourselves.

Me:        But you and I make eye contact all the time and you don’t seem to mind.

Stella:    Yes, about that, Lady Human…

Me:        You think of me as another predator.

Stella:    Admit it. With humans, one can never be too sure.

Me:        Stella, it’s me. We’ve sat together and eaten together…

Stella:    Not really. You’ve never eaten out of my bowl and I have never eaten out of yours, not that I would mind doing so.

Me:        You don’t want me to look at you.

Stella:    Of course, you should look at me. Watch all my cuteness and squirrel chasing expertise and special dance steps.

Me:        So…

Stella:    But no eyeballing.

Me:        Many humans consider it a sign of respect and honesty to look another person in the eyes.

Stella:    Many humans are not bulldogs.

Me:        In fact, no humans are bulldogs, but, to continue on the eyeballing subject, I have looked you straight in the eyes lots of times. What’s different about today?

Stella:    Today I am ticked off.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And when I’m ticked off, you’d better watch out. Predator alert! Keep your eyeballs to yourself.

Me:        And tomorrow will you be ticked off?

Stella:    I haven’t decided yet.

Me:        Am I allowed to be ticked off now and again?

Stella:    No, absolutely not. You are a human. You are supposed to have better self-control. Being ticked off is for me. I am the Queen.

Me:        How will I know if you are ticked off?

Stella:    Just try eyeballing me and see what happens.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Bulldog Mediation – Snoopey & Tiger – Conversations with the Pack

I am Stella, Illustrious and Noble, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and therefore, IN CHARGE!

Snoopey: As pack leader, I beg to differ.

Me:        As the only human present, so do I.

Stella:    Fine! Be that way! I’m still queen. So there!

Me:        Is this about the spat this morning?

Stella:    If by “spat” you mean the barking, growling, snapping conversation between Snoopey and Tiger, yes.

Me:        That started when they started eyeballing each other from across the room.

Tiger:     It started the day Snoopey was born.

Snoopey:  It started the day Tiger came to live with us.

Me:        It started when you two disobeyed my instructions. No eyeballing each other. Keep your eyes to yourselves.

Snoopey:  You have been putting drops in Tiger’s eye.

Me:        Yes.

Snoopey:  I want you to put drops in my eye.

Me:        No.

Snoopey:  Not fair. I am the pack leader. I should get to have drops in my eye.

Me:        The vet gave those drops to us for Tiger’s scratched eye. You do not have a scratched eye, therefore, no drops for you. It is not a gift or a privilege. Tiger doesn’t even like it.

Tiger:     No, except that I get them and she doesn’t.

Miss Sweetie:    Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie:    Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Me:        Hold it! Quiet down!

Miss Sweetie:    fight, fight, fight

Stella:   That’s not what she meant, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:    But I like a good fight.

Stella:    UHHHH, children these days!

Tiger:     Believe me, Sweetie, no fight is good and you would not like to see a real one.

Miss Sweetie:    But what were you and Aunt Snoopey doing then?

Tiger:     We were…disagreeing…loudly…while showing each other how white our teeth are.

Snoopey:  Yes, Sweetie, that was it. And always remember that it’s IMPOLITE TO STARE.

Stella:    And ONLY the humans have control over what the vets give us and that includes eye drops! Agreed?

Snoopey:  I concede the point…

Stella:    Good.

Snoopey:  …this time.

Stella:    Oh, of course, because next time you think that you will have control over the vets and the humans. Wrong. Mediation closed. Ruling: Keep your eyeballs out of other people’s business.

Me:        A fair ruling, Your Majesty. One we should all observe. God save Queen Stella! Wait. Where’s Wiggles?

Wiggles:  Here. AHHHH! What a wonderful nap! Hasn’t this been a great day?

Miss Sweetie:    So, there’s not going to be a fight?

Stella:    Go to bed, Sweetie. Good night.

Miss Sweetie:    Okay, Aunt Stella. Good night. It’s not a very exciting night though.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stop Staring At Me! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen (yes, I said it again!) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human and I are on an errand, a wonderful, wonderful errand to the feed store. Why? I’m glad you asked. We are going to pick up bulldog food. FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-FOOD! That’s a song that I just now made up.

Me:        Probably not.

Stella:    Yes, I did. I heard it on the car music box and they had the words all wrong. Except for the fah-lah-lah part. That was all right.

Me:        Please remember to be polite in the feed store. If any other dogs are in there, they are not your business. No bulldog leash tugging.

Stella:    I’ll be polite if they are polite. I am not putting up with rude.

Me:        Ignoring rudeness is not putting up with it. Ignoring rudeness is putting rudeness in its place. It’s nothing and other people’s rudeness isn’t your business.

Stella:    Stop staring at me!

Me:        I’m not staring at you.

Stella:    Not you. Those people in that car parked next to us. How rude! This is not a zoo! I am not an exhibit!

Me:        They are smiling at you.

Stella:    And look at that. They’re pointing at me! How would they like it if I pointed my stubby little toes at them? What? Now they are waving at me! Stop invading my space!

Me:        They like you. They think you are cute.

Stella:    Cute? How undignified! I am a queen!

Me:        You could still wave or smile. Real queens do.

Stella:    What do you mean ‘real queens’? Hmmpphh! Well, maybe one small…oh, look, they’re gone. Good. It’s about time.

“Love is not rude…” [I Corinthians 13:5 KJV]

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Mad-Dog Me! Keep Your Eyes to Yourself

Dogs are visual creatures and so bulldogs are visual creatures times 10. (That ten-fold estimate is just my best guess. It could run higher.)

Bulldogs are lots of things including funny, roly-poly, barrel-shaped, broad-shouldered, and good natured. Oh, and one more thing.

They are intense.

I have seen Stella go from a relaxed state with her tongue lolling out of her mouth to an alert, perked-eared, quivering-lipped, wound-up spring of a dog in one second because the cat walked across the path of her eyes.

I have witnessed a resting Snoopey, completely stretched out, jump to her feet because she caught Tiger looking in her direction and they locked eyes. A threatening stare between humans is called “mad-dogging”. If you ever see it in person between dogs, you’ll agree it’s aptly named.

Wiggles, on the other hand, avoids lots of bulldog intensity by averting her eyes. She’ll glance into my face, make eye contact, and then look away. She does it with the other dogs, too. Her message: Hey, I just want to enjoy myself. I don’t want to make you mad. I don’t want to start a fight. I won’t trespass into your eyeball territory.

Make no mistake. Wiggles is no pushover when the push does occasionally come to the shove. But she senses that she shouldn’t be mad-dogging anybody. She focuses her eyes on something more interesting, more peaceable.  Sadly for me (who has to clean it up), once in a while, that neutral object is trash.

So the good ole bulldogs have presented me with another example of what not to do.

Don’t keep staring at the wrong things. Stop focusing on what stirs you up, makes you angry, or gets you in a tizzy. (Boy, that just cut way back on my news viewing.) And stop minding everybody else’s business. Mind your own.

“Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.” Proverbs 4:25 KJV

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.