Bulldog Manners 101 – ‘Scuse Me Again – Conversation with the Pack

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call bulldog class to order – again! This would not have been necessary if the bulldogs paid attention in our prior session. Instead, they decided to take naps.

Now hear this! No one naps during this course! If you do not intend to stay awake and pay attention for the whole class, there is no reason for you to be here.

Tiger:     Okay. See you later.

Wiggles: I agree. Bye.

Snoopey: Sounds good to me. Class dismissed.

Miss Sweetie: What? What’s happening?

Doodlebug: We’re free! Run!


Wiggles: (snore)

Stella:    Wiggles, wake up! Everybody, listen! We are going to learn manners so we can behave better around the humans!

Snoopey:  I behave just fine, thank you.

Stella:    Rule 1:  Keep your feet on the floor. Never slap a human with your feet. That means you, Snoopey.

Wiggles:  So Rule 1 is just for Snoopey? That means that I can slap any human I want to with my feet. Cool!

Stella:    No, Wiggles, it applies to you, too.

Doodlebug:  But it does not apply to…

Stella:    Yes, Doodlebug, Rule 1 applies to you. It applies to everyone. So does Rule 2. Never cut in front of a human with your big, round bulldog body. You could trip them. They don’t like to be tripped. They only have a maximum of 2 legs, not 4, so it is harder for them to stop themselves from falling.

Miss Sweetie:  Why don’t they just grow more legs?

Stella:    Oh, Sweetie. That’s not how we are made. There is so much for you to learn.

Snoopey:  Well, I don’t need to learn anything. Rule 1. Rule 2. Done and done.

Stella:    Not so fast, Sister. Rule 3: When a human says ‘Scuse me, they are simply being polite. What they mean is ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY!’ If they can be polite to us, we can at least be polite to them.

Tiger:  Blah, blah, blah. Tall Man likes it when I slap him with my paws and jump in front of him. He plays with me. If he starts to fall, I will catch him.

Stella:    The humans have an expression about stuff like you just said. Baloney.

Tiger:  What is baloney?

Stella:    It is a wonderful, delicious form of meat.

Tiger:     And I said baloney and it appears? Where is this baloney?

Stella:    I haven’t figured that out yet, but the humans don’t put great store in it. We will have to keep looking for it. Very well. Enough for today. Does anyone remember the Rules of Bulldog Manners thus far?

Wiggles:  No.

Tiger:  I wasn’t listening.

Snoopey:  I don’t care.

Doodlebug:  Run! Play! Run! Play!

Miss Sweetie:  Huh?

Stella:  Fine! Class dismissed!

Snoopey:  Finally! Not a moment too soon.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.






Stop Staring At Me! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen (yes, I said it again!) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human and I are on an errand, a wonderful, wonderful errand to the feed store. Why? I’m glad you asked. We are going to pick up bulldog food. FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-LAH-FOOD! That’s a song that I just now made up.

Me:        Probably not.

Stella:    Yes, I did. I heard it on the car music box and they had the words all wrong. Except for the fah-lah-lah part. That was all right.

Me:        Please remember to be polite in the feed store. If any other dogs are in there, they are not your business. No bulldog leash tugging.

Stella:    I’ll be polite if they are polite. I am not putting up with rude.

Me:        Ignoring rudeness is not putting up with it. Ignoring rudeness is putting rudeness in its place. It’s nothing and other people’s rudeness isn’t your business.

Stella:    Stop staring at me!

Me:        I’m not staring at you.

Stella:    Not you. Those people in that car parked next to us. How rude! This is not a zoo! I am not an exhibit!

Me:        They are smiling at you.

Stella:    And look at that. They’re pointing at me! How would they like it if I pointed my stubby little toes at them? What? Now they are waving at me! Stop invading my space!

Me:        They like you. They think you are cute.

Stella:    Cute? How undignified! I am a queen!

Me:        You could still wave or smile. Real queens do.

Stella:    What do you mean ‘real queens’? Hmmpphh! Well, maybe one small…oh, look, they’re gone. Good. It’s about time.

“Love is not rude…” [I Corinthians 13:5 KJV]


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.