Bulldog Manners 101 – ‘Scuse Me Again – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call bulldog class to order – again! This would not have been necessary if the bulldogs paid attention in our prior session. Instead, they decided to take naps.

Now hear this! No one naps during this course! If you do not intend to stay awake and pay attention for the whole class, there is no reason for you to be here.

Tiger:     Okay. See you later.

Wiggles: I agree. Bye.

Snoopey: Sounds good to me. Class dismissed.

Miss Sweetie: What? What’s happening?

Doodlebug: We’re free! Run!

Stella:    STOP! NOBODY MOVE! NOBODY FALL ASLEEP!

Wiggles: (snore)

Stella:    Wiggles, wake up! Everybody, listen! We are going to learn manners so we can behave better around the humans!

Snoopey:  I behave just fine, thank you.

Stella:    Rule 1:  Keep your feet on the floor. Never slap a human with your feet. That means you, Snoopey.

Wiggles:  So Rule 1 is just for Snoopey? That means that I can slap any human I want to with my feet. Cool!

Stella:    No, Wiggles, it applies to you, too.

Doodlebug:  But it does not apply to…

Stella:    Yes, Doodlebug, Rule 1 applies to you. It applies to everyone. So does Rule 2. Never cut in front of a human with your big, round bulldog body. You could trip them. They don’t like to be tripped. They only have a maximum of 2 legs, not 4, so it is harder for them to stop themselves from falling.

Miss Sweetie:  Why don’t they just grow more legs?

Stella:    Oh, Sweetie. That’s not how we are made. There is so much for you to learn.

Snoopey:  Well, I don’t need to learn anything. Rule 1. Rule 2. Done and done.

Stella:    Not so fast, Sister. Rule 3: When a human says ‘Scuse me, they are simply being polite. What they mean is ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY!’ If they can be polite to us, we can at least be polite to them.

Tiger:  Blah, blah, blah. Tall Man likes it when I slap him with my paws and jump in front of him. He plays with me. If he starts to fall, I will catch him.

Stella:    The humans have an expression about stuff like you just said. Baloney.

Tiger:  What is baloney?

Stella:    It is a wonderful, delicious form of meat.

Tiger:     And I said baloney and it appears? Where is this baloney?

Stella:    I haven’t figured that out yet, but the humans don’t put great store in it. We will have to keep looking for it. Very well. Enough for today. Does anyone remember the Rules of Bulldog Manners thus far?

Wiggles:  No.

Tiger:  I wasn’t listening.

Snoopey:  I don’t care.

Doodlebug:  Run! Play! Run! Play!

Miss Sweetie:  Huh?

Stella:  Fine! Class dismissed!

Snoopey:  Finally! Not a moment too soon.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Blog – So Much Rudeness, So Little Time

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello again! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Let me plunge right into my List of Offenders. I have not updated it for a while and, as a result, the list is longer this time. In order from least to most offensive:

  • Me – that’s right. Good ole Stella. I have been perfect this week – quiet, obedient, undemanding. I definitely deserve more treats than I have received. I will speak to Lady Human about that later.
  • Moon the Cat – I have to be honest. It hurts to admit it, but Moon the Cat was better behaved this week than any of the bulldogs, other than me, of course. The only thought that gives me comfort is that the situation will not last. Why? Because CAT!
  • Tiger – You silly thing, you are still challenging Snoopey, just not so often. I see you prancing…yes, prancing…past Snoopey, hoping to provoke her. And you are still barking at Lady Human when she is busy with mysterious human behavior. Tiger, be more considerate of Lady Human’s time. Hey, she wasn’t petting any of the rest of us either.
  • Snoopey – Please stop sticking your lower lip out in that pitiful way and making that high-pitched ruh-ruh-ruh whiny noise from your throat. We know what you’re up to, Attention-Grabber.
  • Squawker the Silkie Chicken – I know you are a chicken and your brain is not as big as mine, but PLEASE, if there is no emergency, STOP THE SQUAWKING! You are the only one doing it. How would you like it if I stood by your chicken run and barked and barked and barked all the live long day? Get the picture? I don’t mind if you ladies cluck quietly among yourselves, just keep it down.
  • WIGGLES! – If I were a human, I would scream. Wiggles, if it’s time to go in your crate, GO IN! Stop arguing about everything. Just because you are a bulldog, you don’t have to be bulldoggy all the time. It is unbecoming. But worse than that, when Lady Human turned her back, YOU PEED IN THE HALL…ON THE BEAN BAG CHAIR!!! That’s where we play with Lady Human! Hey, I like to sit on that chair myself. Well, I used to like it. Now I may not ever be able to make myself sit on it again. And why? You had just been outside for…I don’t know…I can’t tell time, but it was a long while. This is what comes of the humans always saying “Oh, what a sweet dog you are, Wiggles” and “Wiggles, what a good dog!” This will teach them. Peeing indoors is not “sweet” or “good”, Wiggles. If you absolutely have to pee, at least keep in off the furniture and on the floor.

As you can see, people, it was a difficult week to be the queen. Thank you for your kind attention.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Stella – Chicken! Hush Your Squawking!

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, and I are here again to discuss what Stella thinks is the topic of the day. Though this subject will never make the front page of the New York Times or any other page, Stella likes to keep her interests close to home and personal.

Stella:   If it doesn’t involve me, it is not interesting.

Me:        That is a self-centered approach to life.

Stella:   Exactly. You understand.

Me:        That was not a compliment.  On to your question.

Stella:   A hen outside squawks very loudly. She is annoying. You know that I don’t like annoying. I told her to be quiet, but she just looked at me like I was crazy and kept up the noise.

Me:        She probably doesn’t speak bulldog well. I heard her, too. I shushed her, but she didn’t listen to me either. She paused for a few seconds and then started up again.

Stella:   What is her problem? That noise is so rude.

Me:        Her squawking is akin to your barking.

Stella:   It is not. Chickens are not related to bulldogs. Look at us. Strong. Magnificent.  Look at them. Silly. Fluffy. And they walk funny.

Me:        They are likely thinking that same about you. Not the fluffy part. But silly, yeah. And you do tend to sashay when you walk, Stella. You know, the chickens have been with us a whole year now.

Stella:   I remember when they came. They were tiny little peepers. There was not a loud squawker among them. What happened?

Me:        They grew up, just like puppies do.

Stella:   Puppies don’t grow up to squawk. They learn to bark. Barking is noble. Chicken squawking is a horrible noise.

Me:        You have complained about Tiger and Wiggles barking.

Stella:   Only when they weren’t saying anything useful. Now about this chicken problem.

Me:        Occasionally, chickens squawk when they lay an egg. She’ll quiet down after it’s not such a big deal to her anymore. Or she may be bossing another hen around. They will sort that out in the pecking order. Sort of like your bulldog pack order.

Stella:   Did you say ‘egg’?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:   Eggs are food.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:   I should eat the eggs.

Me:        No, that’s not part of your diet. Remember when you had all the itchy patches.

Stella:   When I hear the squawking, I will run to check for eggs.

Me:        No, you won’t. You can’t get to them anyway.

Stella:   I will befriend Squawker and she will hand them to me.

Me:        I seriously doubt that.

Stella:   Wait! Do chickens lay eggs the way dogs lay puppies? Are you eating their babies? No!!! No wonder they’re squawking! I would squawk!

Me:        Don’t worry. These eggs will never turn into baby chicks. There is no rooster.

Stella:   We should have a rooster then.

Me:        If you don’t like squawking, I can guarantee you won’t like what a rooster does. Meanwhile, go use your Stella power on the squawking hen the way you do when you change Wiggles’ mind by looking her in the eye.

Stella:   I will try, but I have to be careful. Chicken brains are so small. My bulldog brain superpower might melt them.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Blog – If Only I Had Hands

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, people! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My transcriptionist has promised not to interrupt my blog this time.

(Transcriptionist: Unless absolutely necessary.)

That was an interruption. What is it that the baseball people say? STRIKE ONE!

I pay much attention to the humans and what they do. Here are some of the things I have noticed:

They balance on only two legs. Amazing! (Shhh! Don’t tell them how impressed I am. Oh, that’s right. Lady Human is my transcriptionist. Well then, truthfully, I am not all that impressed.)

They have boxes that roll on wheels so that we can go places. They don’t even have to run with their feet to make it go. We can all go without using our legs to push it.

Best of all, they have these wonderful long things on the ends of their arms called “hands” and they can do just about anything with them.

Think of all the things that I could do if I had hands.

I could take the little black box and push the buttons to make the TV louder or quieter when I want to. And I could watch MY favorite shows, not the annoying ones that the humans pick.

I could turn the knobs on the doors to enter and leave whatever room whenever. The whole house – all for me!

I could turn on and drive the big box with the wheels. Where would I go? I have no idea. Probably not very far because I don’t know how to drive and my legs aren’t long enough to reach the speed pedals on the box’s floor.

I could open the treat bags and pick out my favorite flavor whenever I would like. No more waiting on the humans to clue in that “Treat Time” is all the time.

But a bulldog dream is all that is. We still have to depend on the humans. Maybe that is one reason that the Great Creator made us without hands so that the humans would have to extend their hands to us.

Oh, well…Until next time, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Where Did the Treats Go? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am back for another conversation with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge….

Stella:  Ahem…Queen Stella.

Me:        Ahem?

Stella:   That’s what you say when you want to interrupt politely.

Me:        I don’t believe that I have ever said “ahem” in my life.

Stella:   Exactly. I was trying to be polite. Most humans just blurt stuff out.

Me:        I’ve heard plenty of bulldogs just “blurt” stuff out. Back to the point, what is your question this time?

Stella:   Where did the treats go?

Me:        What treats?

Stella:   Yes.

Me:        There aren’t any treats.

Stella:   I agree.

Me:        I get it. There haven’t been as many over the past few days and you noticed.

Stella:   Thank you! Now we are in the same crate!

Me:        I believe the human expression you want to use is “now we are on the same page”.

Stella:   What’s a “page”?

Me:        Never mind. You observed correctly. There have been treats, but fewer of them.

Stella:   Why?

Me:        They were all gone at the store.

Stella:   Have you called the police?

Me:        No, they weren’t stolen. The store just ran out of our brand. They’re waiting for more to come.

Stella:   How could such a thing happen?

Me:        Easily. More people are buying them…

Stella:   Why are people eating our treats? They get their own human treats, the ones that they are always hiding from us. Leave our treats alone!

Me:        The humans aren’t buying your treats for themselves. They are getting them for their own dogs.

Stella:   What! Other dogs are eating our treats? How could you let them do that? Stop them!

Me:        Hey, didn’t I share one of my apple chicken sausages with you all this week? One that I cooked for myself?

Stella:   Yesss…

Me:        And wasn’t it good?

Stella:   Yesss… Will we ever see them again?

Me:        Perhaps.

Stella:   When? When? When?

Me:        When we all develop a little more patience?

Stella:   Is that something else the store is out of?

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.